How do you go on after losing a child?

Henrietta - posted on 09/24/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hi I am a mom of 3 children ages 20,19, and 16. My oldest daughter Amber was recently killed in a car crash, It's a struggle every day to get up and get threw the day is there anyone who as any insight on how to cope with this.

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Coleen - posted on 12/08/2010

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Hi Henrietta, so so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my 17 year old daughter last summer to a vehicle accident. I have 4 other children, a son 23, twins 37 and my older daughter 39. When my youngest daughter was killed in the accident, it was the most devastating thing I have ever had to go through. I didn't know it happened until 6:00am when 2 police and 2 social workers came to my door. My whole world came crashing down. I went to the cemetary just about everyday to feel closer to her and I talked to her all the time and have cryed a lot, even to this day after 1 1/2 years, I still cry quite a bit, but not as much. I do have a full time job, which thank God has kept me sane. I think if I didn't have my job to go to I would be even more depressed. The days are getting a bit easier to get through, but my thoughts are of my daughter all the time. My memories, I find are starting to get more endearing and I am smiling when I think of her and all the things we did together. I still find myself waiting for her to walk in the door and there are lots and lots of things that remind me of her, but thats good.
Last year I got a tattoo of her portrait on my left upper arm as a memorial of her. I show it to everyone and I am very proud that I had the opportunity to have been her mother. I love her and miss her very very much, and I know that will continue for the rest of my life.
It helps a lot to have someone you can talk to and confide in, that won't ridicule you or judge that you are still grieving. You have a right to grieve for as long as it takes. Dont feel quilty and talk of your son and mention his name in your conversations.
As far as Im concerned, I still have 5 children. Its just that my daughter is on a long vacation and I will be seeing again one day.

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12 Comments

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Paula - posted on 09/26/2009

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Im so sorry i cant imagine the pain youd b feeling, maybe some grief councelling may help, have a look on the net, ive heard of groups that help with this situation, and there you can talk to and get advice from people with similar circumstances.



My deepest condolences

all the best

Lois - posted on 09/26/2009

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Hi Henrietta: So sad to hear of your loss. I have never had to face such a tragedy, but I want to encourage you to remember the beutiful and precious gift of Amber's life. I am sure she was a spectacular young lady, a wonderful big sis, and a great daughter that you are very proud of. Make sure you remember the joy she gave you when she was here, what a wonderful gift. Let everyone know that she is loved and share some memorable stories, the times she made you laugh or made you beam with pride. That is the true gift our children provide to us and that gift cannot be taken away from you.

Carolyn - posted on 09/26/2009

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What a terrible loss for you! I've never gone through this thankfully, but struggled greatly when my Mum died. I believe our bodies are just a vessel and our soul lives on in the memories of those who loved us. Keep her alive by remembering and celebrating the time you had with her, talk about her and to her, write her a letter telling her how much she ment to you and how you miss her or participate in activities she enjoyed, whatever makes you feel close to her and keeps her memory alive.

I know nothings going to take the pain away, but I hope you find the answers you need to make it easier on you.

Marie - posted on 09/26/2009

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First accept my prayers, second I had two friends from work that lost children. One was an 18 yr old that accidentally hung herself, her grandmother (my friend) prays and keeps herself busy. She is reminded everyday but she focuses on the good things about her and puts her energy into the others. The second was a 24 yr old only child, he was protecting a friend and was shot to death, his mother is still coping she has good days and bad but we realize if we keep her busy and show her she is needed elsewhere she has more good days then bad. My point is you have to move on you have 2 other children that need you. You will never forget her but remeber the good times I am sure she would want it that way.

Donna - posted on 09/25/2009

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Henrietta

I'm so sorry for your loss. THere really are no words I realize for it. One thing I can think of is to donate some time to a cause she would have been pleased to see you do so. Like giving in her name. I am also going to keep your son in my prayers.



Donna

Caryn - posted on 09/25/2009

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Henrietta - first of all I am so sorry for your loss.... I have not lost a child of my own. But just lost my mom suddenly in July. I have only one child, a 21 month old. I know losing my mom was not the same as losing a child, but all loss is hard. I just try to remember on those days that I don't want to get up, that I was not only a daughter to my mom, but a wife and mommy and also a daughter to my dad. The days I don't want to do anything I remember that they probably all feel the same way. But my mom would want us to remember her and continue on. The best you can do is keep their memory alive and by moving forward. You still are a mom to your other kids and they still look to you for how to handle difficult situations. Be strong, remember it is okay to cry, it is okay to talk about your daughter and it is also okay to say at that moment you don't feel like talking. When my mom died, someone told me a death is like suddenly there is a huge hole in the room, it is really hard to manuever around and very noticable, but with time, that hole is still there, just easier to manuever around. It made a lot of sense to me and helped explain how I felt. Again, I am horribly sorry for your loss. Hang in there, god only gives us what we can handle and has a reason for things that we may never understand. Your family is in my thoughts.

Henrietta - posted on 09/24/2009

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Thank you everyone for your advice, and it's very hard to comfort your other children who are also grieving she my son the 19 year old was in the car with his sister she was trapped in the car and he couldn't get her out so he just held her hand watch her take her last breath while waiting for help to arrive, so as much pain as I'm feeling I'm sure his is even worse for him this is the hardest thing my family and myself will ever have to deal with and sometimes just talking helps, but mostly I just cry and try to keep busy with my other daughters sporting activities, again thank you all

Sarah - posted on 09/24/2009

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There is no easy answer, eventually you will find what will work for you. The best advise I can give is, get up each morning, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you still have 2 children that need their mom. allow yourself a set amount of time for grieving, and when that time is up, you have to put it away. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but it's the best thing you can do for your sanity and well being

SONYA - posted on 09/24/2009

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OH HENRIETTA I'M SO SORRY! IT'S A DREADFUL WAY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE TAKEN FROM YOU. I HAVEN'T LOST A CHILD BUT HAVE DEALT WITH A FAIR BIT OF TRAGEDY. TALK ABOUT HER AS OFTEN AS YOU FEEL LIKE. DON'T BOTTLE UP YOUR FEELINGS AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO LET THOSE WHO SURROUND YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR HAVING O TOUGH DAY. THE ONLY OTHER THING I WOULD SUGGEST IS BEREVEMENT COUNSELLING. IT WILL HELP. ALL MY BEST WISHES AND THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU. LOL SONYA

Sarah - posted on 09/24/2009

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I have never had to deal with anything like that,so i can not talk to you from experience. Here are a few ideas you could try and see. Try involing yourself in something, like helping others that are hurting (they may give you ideas or you may just feel a blessing helping them) or doing something extra for your other children. Not sure if this helps but keep your chin up and I am sure your family understands your pain and they will be there to comfort you. Feel like you have to stay strong for them? They may need to see that you are hurting too. Don't be afraid to express that pain. Take the pain imbrace it and work through it and healing will come. It may take awhile, but in time it will come! Keep your chin up! You have other children that need you, take time with them and discuss your daughter and the accident with them keep her memory alive, but do not live on the memory, move on and make new memories too!

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