How do you handle divorce and the "girlfriend" spending time with your daughter?

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Cheryl - posted on 12/03/2012

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How to deal with my x and his new girlfriend when the ink on the divorce papers weren't even dry.



My son id 17 and my husband & I just recently got divorced and we still have to live together until my new house is ready. My son went to a game with his father and he was texting his girlfriend on my son's time with him. Daniel was looking over his fathers shoulders and read all the texts. When he came home he said that Dad has a new girlfriend but first he called him a F-ing asshole then he proceeded too tell me her name was Kristen C and I just put two and two together and confronted my x husband. I told him that Daniel was very upset and that he is not even remotely ready to see his Father with her or hear about his father with another woman. My x & I were married for 23 years and he has a new one all lined up for when my son and I move out, It's been living hell, at first I cried then I got mad now I'm over it but my son does not want to ever meet this woman or see her but my x keeps wanting to talk to him about it. Daniel my son doesn't want anything to do with his father anymore" can't say as I blame him" This man has no boundaries with throwing this woman in his face, the fact that he spends days at a time away from the house to be with her is rattling my son to the core.Now he is going on vacation with her wth whats wrong with him.Any Ideas.....

Jodi - posted on 08/07/2009

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My ex has had girlfriends in my son's life. The first one was around for a long time. My son used to come home and tell me that she was his babysitter. It was only when they moved in together that I realised she was the girlfriend. I didn't mind, my son absolutely adored her, and she was very good to him. But I do think she was the one doing everything for him, and even used to be the one who was looking after him all the time, because his dad hardly ever spent time with him. I guess that's the part that disappointed me, the fact that he had someone to dump his son on when he wanted to go off with his mates.....



Having said that, however, there is very little you can do about it. Unless the girlfriend is some crackhead or child abuser, you won't stand a chance at preventing her from being near your daughter. The best thing you can do is try and get along with her and accept it. The most important things is your daughter's happiness, and if she is happy and likes the girlfriend, don't worry too much.

Sharon - posted on 08/07/2009

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Ok I'm NOT the girlfriend.

I think it depends on the situation.

Is he dumping his visitation off on his convenient girlfriend?

Is this girlfriend actually the mistress. i.e. someone with no morals who broke up your marriage?

Is this girlfriend someone he met last week and he says is his "soulmate" and he wants her to be the new mother of his child so he has more time to feck off?

Or is he caring, loving, you've been divorced for 6 months and they've been dating for 4months and she cares a lot about your daughter and your feelings....

definitions are important.

Is this the first girlfriend after the divorce? Do you think your exhusband is going to "play" more before settling down? You don't want your daughter getting attached to your exhusbands temporary playtoy.

Who has primary custody?

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Pamela - posted on 08/08/2009

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Hi Karen,
How long have you two been separated and divorced? As this will have an impact on whether the new "girlfriend" should be involved in your child's life yet. For example if you have only just divorced and he already has a new girlfriend that may be too soon to be introduced to your daughter. I would sit down and express your concerns with him about his girlfriend interacting with your child and say that you would appreciate that when she does interact with the child that its only as daddy's friend to start off with as some children can be very sensitive to having someone come and go in there life especially if they are dealing with being separated from one of their parents due to divorce or if that new person and them develop a bond and then one day daddy isn't with her anymore that can put children through a lot of emotional distress.The one thing you will find with this is that if you lay any ground rules you will need to be willing to follow them yourself if you move on or this may cause problems. How old is your daughter? Is she able to talk to both of you about her feelings since your divorce? I know this is going to sound bad and i don't mean it to be but the worst thing you could do is tell your daughter that you don't like daddy's girlfriend as this may cause her to become withdrawn or act out against her so i would recommend that you don't express how you feel about her to your daughter. You can ask your daughter how she feels about daddy's girlfriend as this is important to see how they are getting along or how she is being treated. Some children cope better then others with divorce and new partners in their parents lives as long as you communicate with her she will be fine. Just remind her that she can talk to either of you about anything. I hope that makes sense and helps.

Amanda - posted on 08/07/2009

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I'm sure you were looking for more mom's who are in your situation, as opposed to "new step moms," but... I too am "the girlfriend.." I completely understand why you would be worried, and as a mother, you should definitely care about who your children are spending time with... Just make sure that you don't pass judgement on her, if you don't personally know her... It is a hard thing to do, I know, but you have to understand that life for the 'girlfriend," isn't as easy as you may think, and she may be as nervous about spending time with your kids, as you may be with her spending time with them. The best thing you can do is encourage your children to keep an open mind, and remind them that it is okay to love whoever they choose to love.. If she isn't a "good person," they will be able to make that judgement on their own. :) Best luck to you.

Krista - posted on 08/07/2009

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I'm going to answer this as "the girlfriend" as I was exactly that. You just really have to understand that your ex IS going to move on and that as long as the girlfriend is a positive influence, there isn't much you can do about it. My husband's ex has STILL not met me even though she KNOWS and has been told by many people that I am an extremely positive influence. Just remember that what you do and say affects your child.

Ciara - posted on 08/07/2009

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Ive also been that girlfriend and I treated the kids just as I would of treated my own son.. Their mother was iffy about it at first but she learned to enjoy me spending time with them and making them happy... if it were me however, i'd probably be a nervous wreak mainly because I still have issues with my ex dating other people I still love him and selfishly dont want to share..

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I was the girlfriend and you know what, the mom hated me and was a jealous wreck. She tried to make my life miserable... I love her 2 kids (boy and girl) with all my heart! Let her! Don't make it rough on her... if your ex is letting her spend time with them, then he trusts her because hey- they are his kids just as much as they are yours.

Just relax and don't bad talk the father/girlfriend.

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2009

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I may be the wrong person to respond as I was the girlfriend after a divorce, and am now the "new" wife/step-mom.

I think as long as the girlfriend treats your daughter well, and respects your and your ex's situation, there shouldn't be a problem. I do caution anyone about introducing a new bf/gf too soon, since kids have a habit of getting attached to people quickly and you don't want your daughter to get hurt. Talk to your ex and make sure the girlfriend is planning on sticking around....

Not sure if I helped, but I hope I did!

Good luck!

Candice - posted on 08/07/2009

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you hope to GOD that the girl cares about your daughter, is kind, respectful, and try to think of it as "there is no such thing as too many people loving your child". Before i had a baby, i spent time with my daughter's father's other kids from his marriage, and i did my best to treat them as well as i would have treated my own, and reminded them often that their mother loved them, and that i was not their mother, but loved them too.

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