How do you know if you want to marry your boyfriend? What questions fo you ask yourself?

Tala - posted on 07/03/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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does this include, fatherly skills? The way he cleans if he cleans? How he keeps himself? The way he loves me? what he believes? What his future plans are? what kind of person he is right now?>?? I need help...

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Lisamarie - posted on 07/03/2009

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I will give you my reasons why I am marrying my boyfriend, but it shouldn't effect the reasons why you want to marry yours. You should set your own standards, and know in your heart that he is the one.





I am marrying my boyfriend, because he loves me for all my wrongs and all of my strengths. He ALWAYS supports me in any decisions I make for myself. He has forgiven for ALL of my wrongs, and boy I have been wrong a lot. He has made me feel beautiful even when I feel like I am the most ugly person in the world..lol. He never forgets my birthday, or our anniversary. He knows me better than I know myself, and it annoying at times..haha. Also, he is a GREAT father. He treat my youngest son as his own, and does not treat him differently.





I do think a man should have his own beliefs and future plans. He should be motivated to support himself along his family. As far as if he cleans.. I would never marry a man if he really believes its a woman's job, I cannot stand that. If you are the only one working in the house, he is the one that needs to clean. And vise versa.





If you are having doubts, then I think there are reasons for it. Listen to your heart, trust in it, it usually knows best. Facts about a man shouldn't make you want to marry him. Its all about how he makes you FEEL. Definately be sure 100% before you make that move. Also if you do get married, never stay in a marriage where you are unhappy all the time, and if he is the reason for your unhappiness. Marriage should be full of love and support. No matter what! Honesty and good communication is also a great key to a good marraige, and even a relationship.





I hear a man changes after marraige. But to get around this, talk to him about his expectations for a wife and a marriage, and you tell him your expectations. Get your thoughts and feelings about it, and your fears. He is the only one that can give you reasurence.





I wish you the best of luck!

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Yes. All the stuff you named is important. I think the overall question should be, "If this person stays EXACTLY the way he is right this minute, can I see myself with him for the rest of my life?" I think the #1 mistake women make is to look at a guy and see his "potential" instead of who he is. If you marry him, you marry who he IS. Do not marry a guy and think he will change or that you can change him. If he is young (say, under 30) he MAY change but he probably will not and if he does it will have to be HIS idea, not you changing him. If the answer to that question is, "No, he would have to change blah, blah, blah for me to really be happy", you need to not only NOT marry him, you need to break up and move on. You shouldn't settle for someone who is not right for you and he deserves someone who loves him for what he ACTUALLY IS, not what you think you can change him into. Some other good questions to ask:

1. Does he share the same religion? Even if one or both of you has changed or abandoned religion since childhood, if you were raised with it it is very likely that when you have kids you are going to want to go back to it to some extent.
2. Have we discussed kids? How many, what is our philosophy on child rearing?
3. Is he good with money? If he is a spender and you are frugal, will he let you manage the money? If you know you are a spender, you need a guy who is wiser with money to help out. If you are both spendthrifts, you are going to have a hard time and a lot of fights.
4. Does he have a good job? Does he make enough money to support you and future children? What if you have a really difficult pregnancy and cannot work? What if you have a special needs child that requires you to be at home? He needs to be willing and able to step up and take care of the family if you are unable to work or if you should decide you want to stay at home with your children.
5. How do you relate to his family? How does he relate to yours? If it is a big nightmare, would he be willing to prioritize you and move away or limit contact with his family? Would you be willing? The worst husband on earth is a "mamma's baby". If it's clear that "mamma" has more say in his life than you do, RUN!!
6. Is he a party type or a stay at home type? If he's a partyer, you will hate that when you have kids and can't run around with him. Will he get bored with you when you have to take care of the kids instead of partying all night long?
7. What are your goals in life? If you dream of stay at home motherhood you'd better make sure #2 and #4 are checked. If you plan to be a big time career woman, make sure that's the kind of woman he wants. If his dream is to come home to a lady in an apron with a hot meal on the table every night, then you'd better find that out now. If he is going to be Mr. Keep Up With The Jones' then you need to know that because he's going to be expecting you to put your baby in daycare immediately and go right back to work. It's good to know that and make sure that's what you want too.
8. Finally, ask yourself, "Is this the guy I could imagine growing old with? Will this guy still seem like a good idea when I'm 30? 40? 60? You think guys will grow up and change but they really do tend to stay mostly the same. The fun party guy that seems like a good idea at 20 will often run off with a 20 year old when you're 40. The guy who buys you everything when you're dating may also end up being the guy who blows all the grocery money when you're married. If you have a decent mom, does she like him? If you have a crappy mom, does she like him? You can learn a lot from that. If you know good, intelligent people and they don't like him, LISTEN. If the people who love you most think he's great (and they are people who tend to make good decisions) you are probably on the right track.
I've been married 20 years and still going strong and these are a lot of the criteria I used. I think my bottom line AFTER assessing all of the above was, "Could my life ever be right without this guy?" For me the answer was, ABSOLUTELY NOT! so I married him. :-)

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Heather - posted on 07/11/2009

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for me I knew my husband was the one for me by how well we meshed when I was angry about something he knew just how to get me smiling. I realized we balanced each other really well we are true partners in life sharing responsibilities and fun. We can do every thing together w/o feeling smothered in the least and truly enjoy experiencing life together. all in all I think you should look at not just him but at how you both relate to each other and what effect it has on both your lives. I have known good people that were great apart but poisonous together and also people who were awful apart but awesome together. Good luck!

Yvonne - posted on 07/11/2009

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hi!
i am 24 and hav been married nearly 5 years now
we got married because we both felt we were happy to stay together and had been together since 16 and had been livin together since 18.
thers no one question u can ask except do wat ye both feel will make ye happy.
its a commitmenat that does need to be worked on to maintain but its worth it.for us anyways.

sayin that its not d most important thing for everyone...i knew a couple madly in love together 13 years with 2 children,everyone put pressure on them to get married and they did.for whatever reasons it seemed to change everythin and they soon separated.
only you know wat is right for you so go with your feelins and best of luck ; )

Leigh - posted on 07/11/2009

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Tala, is he your closest friend? Does he make you laugh? Can you tell him honestly what you are thinking & feeling, without him being judgemental? Do the things that he does that piss you off out weight the things that don't? Do you feel his love, not through his words, but by the things he does for you? I've been married for a really long time, & I can tell you from experience, what you feel for your boyfriend, changes when he becomes your husband & of course over the years this just intensifies. What first attracted me to my husband was his laugh, he has a really loud happy laugh, that makes anyone around him laugh, & I just found that attractive & still do now, but most of all it's the friendship that we share, when we lie in bed just talking to each other about everything & nothing. When you marry you grow together depending on where your life journey takes you, depending on the common goals you set together, but I think above all else your friendship for each other grows as well. The questions you ask are just as important, but I think it's mostly on how he makes you feel towards him. When I was first 'dating' my husband I used to get butterflies when I knew he was coming to pick me up to take me out, or to spend time with me, & to this day I get the same butterflies when I know he's on his way home from work to me. Good advice from the other posts. Good wishes for you & your future.

Jeanne - posted on 07/03/2009

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Ok here is my personal opinion on the matter. First off....can you see yourself growing old with this man? Do you like to talk to each other.....because the physical might slow down but conversation never goes away. Do you have common goals and dreams. Does he have any bad habits that you cannot live with now....cause if there are then you certainly will come to dislike them even more later on. Do you see yourself having children with this person? Is he a good role model? Does he love you for you or is he constantly trying to change you? Can you trust this man? Also for your own piece of mind make a list of pros and cons about this man...if the cons outweight the pros then I'm sorry to say it probably isn't a good idea to marry this person. And my dear, if you are this confused right now....DO NOT jump into anything until you have worked out your feelings and don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything otherwise because that just isn't fair to you. Good luck.

Jocelyn - posted on 07/03/2009

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Quoting Tala:

well thanks you for your reply, i totally agree but i just never said i would get married and now im starting to want to and he wants to talk about it, im just not sure how to go about this, any married woman out there who can help me?


i never thought i wanted to get married either :) but i did. i do think it meant a bit more to my hubby than it did to me, in that he is very traditional and that's what he thought was "right".  i would have been completely commited to him either way, marriage or not.  (btw it was not religous for us in any way).  if you are already commited to him 100%, then the best thing i can think of is to just sit down and talk with your bf.  talk about what marriage would mean to you, or what it wouldn't mean, and what you each expect out of marraige.

Jocelyn - posted on 07/03/2009

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Quoting Tala:

well thanks you for your reply, i totally agree but i just never said i would get married and now im starting to want to and he wants to talk about it, im just not sure how to go about this, any married woman out there who can help me?


i never thought i wanted to get married either :) but i did. i do think it meant a bit more to my hubby than it did to me, in that he is very traditional and that's what he thought was "right".  i would have been completely commited to him either way, marriage or not.  (btw it was not religous for us in any way).  if you are already commited to him 100%, then the best thing i can think of is to just sit down and talk with your bf.  talk about what marriage would mean to you, or what it wouldn't mean, and what you each expect out of marraige.

Tala - posted on 07/03/2009

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well thanks you for your reply, i totally agree but i just never said i would get married and now im starting to want to and he wants to talk about it, im just not sure how to go about this, any married woman out there who can help me?

Jocelyn - posted on 07/03/2009

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speaking from experience, if you have to ask that question, then you aren't ready. for me i just "knew". and i know that's a shitty way of explaining it, but that's the best i've got :)

of course, other things do come into factor, like if he can't hold a job, i would hold off until he proved himself capable. but you should already know if you want to marry him. and if the answers yes, then the next question you should ask is are we READY to get married. because those are two completely different questions.

Girlio - posted on 07/03/2009

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My thoughts? If I had to/have to ask the question in the first place then the answer would be no, I don't want to. I have been engaged twice, and both times I asked myself if this was what I wanted, why would it be good all those questions that you wrote. Needless to say, I have never walked down the isle. That being said, the man I am with is my lifetime partner, I will be with him always and I can't imagine life without him! He is my one and only, my true love, my best friend, an amazing father, treats me with the utmost respect, is tender, loving, helpful, caring, stands up for himself and his beliefs, might not agree with mine but does support them. He is my end all and be all! And I know I am all of those things to him as well. Yet neither one of us has any desire to marry the other. We will live together happily ever after, unmarried. One thing I have learned over the years. If I don't like/love what he is now, I never will, and he will never change, and why would I be with someone that I wanted to change because obviously they are not what I want/need.

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