How do you let someone know how hard being a sahm is?

DOROTHY - posted on 06/04/2012

He either feels guilty..... or he is just making idle converstion. Let that be the ice breaker. start chatting about anything but what you have been doing the whole day. Who want s to in any case be reminded of that shlep of doing housework and cooking. Have a mind shift from being an unappreciated women to a sexy wanted women and play along...... you will enjoy it. I can assure you.

Dawn - posted on 05/31/2012

I heard that when out daughter was younger. "What did you do all day? The house looks the same as it did when I left." One day I had heard it enough and bit back. I told him that between a toddler & a puppy following me around making messes, if the house looks the same, it's been a good day. I never heard another word. Now we have changed roles... lol! He said he was surprised at how much he expected to be able to finish but didn't get to. I reminded him of potty treating two species simultaneously (the toddler is 16 tomorrow, the puppy passed 2 years ago), and he immediately admitted defeat :) He's a good AHD, & I never c criticize

Amanda - posted on 05/31/2012

My partner does the seem to me. Im 21 with a 1 year old and my other son will be 3 in August. It has got to the point now where I just feel its a waste of time doing any housework or cooking. I feel so depressed and low but I put up with it as I dont want my kids coming from a broken home like I was as I feel I missed out on so much. I think most men are like this and its one of the flaws we need to try and deal with the best we can.

Teresa - posted on 05/30/2012

My husband claims that he would do a better job at being a stay at home parent than I would. Maybe so... Hey...let's see. :D lol

Teresa - posted on 05/30/2012

Good girl. I was going to say the same thing. If he gets a taste of how bad it could be, he will appreciate how well you take care of things.

Janessa - posted on 05/29/2012

Leave him with the kids for a day and night, wake him up. I'm always sorry to hear that guys actually do feel that way sometimes. So sorry.

Mhairi - posted on 05/29/2012

I know how u feel, whethers it's meant or not it's hurtful. The only things that I can suggest would be 1: you go on strike and curl up on the couch all day and when he asks what happened u reply - u no when u ask what I do all day? Well I didn't do it today. Say it nicely of course lol
Or
2: on his day off, make sure he doesn't make plans, have a list ready to hand to him of all the things u do and tell him ur going out for the day, to have fun with the kids, oh and everything on the lists has to be done by the time u get home. Don't give him the chance to argue, run lol. Only down side to this is that he will more than likely have a major bone to pick.
If u choose option 1, which is probably best, the only thing u do is stop a kid from seriously hurting themselves. Good luck with and enjoy a day of rest lol

Anne - posted on 05/29/2012

make it a week.....

Kristn - posted on 05/28/2012

Get a part-time job. Preferably one with an afternoon-early evening schedule, like at a plant-nursery or at a local mall or whatever floats your boat-preferably one in a place that you already shop in or already interests you (discounts would be a nice side bonus, right?). Use an available -mommy's-day out or other daycare in the afternoon so that you husband will have to pick up the kids and possibly have to feed them just a few days a week. You'll make a little of your own money, your kids will get to make/spend time with some friends & your husband might see that what you do isn't easy. Don't come home from the PTJ and then do all of your chores, make it so he HAS to pick up some of the work. It sets a good example for your kids too because then they might appreciate all that you do (okay, albeit, a little later on) and that they shouldn't expect a woman to always pick up after them. Since the job would be part time (like 2-3) days a week, you'll still have plenty of time to keep the house (mostly) the way you want it and you'll have plenty of time to be with your family. It will also give you some adult time away from your family (there's absolutely nothing wrong with that). It might also make you feel better about you. I'm not saying there's anything ar all wrong with being a SAHM but this might be a helpful, if not permanent solution to help you make your point and assist with your problem.

Becky - posted on 05/28/2012

Make a list of everything you do each day for a complete week. List your chores every day Sunday through Saturday. Check them off as you are doing them. Leave this in plain sight so when he asks you, you can go right to the list and start naming them off. Have a chore list of the things. Explain you would be more than happy to get a job but daycare would cost (get a couple of quotes) and show him how much money you are SAVING by staying home with your children. Don't let it get you down. It's a lot of work to raise children but the rewards are tremendous.

Lyndal - posted on 05/28/2012

Go out and get a job so he can tell the difference or... just don't do it for a day. I read a story about it once. It was hilarious. The woman didn't get out of bed. The husband came home to find mud through the house, the kids in their pj's in the backyard, toys everywhere and the mum was upstairs in bed reading a book. It might only take one day of not doing anything for him to see what the difference can be. :)

Michelle - posted on 05/28/2012

Sasha

Our oldest daughter just went through this with her husband. It was agreed between the two of them that she would be a stay at home mom while he worked. They have 3 children 5, 4, and 2. They can not afford daycare. He would throw it in her face that he was the only one working. So she had no say on how things were done. I am telling you the same thing I told her to do write out a bill for the housekeeping, babysitting, lawn care, etc...., and give it to him an tell him that is what it is going to cost for you to continue doing the work from now or go hire someone to do this cheaper then what you have been doing it for which was nothing. Her Husband has not mentioned it again.

Barbara - posted on 05/28/2012

the fact that the question is even asked is a sign that he doesn't have a clue about what you do. Don't get into a war of words about it though - that is pointless. What you must address with him is how his question makes you feel; devalued, not making a contribution, not respected for being a good housekeeper, etc etc. Communicate! If he is a poor communicator, as so many men are, then keep on with the discussion and take responsibility for your own feelings and ask him to think about them. Also give him the benefit of your appreciation for being a good bread winner and dad.... good way to even the discussion and to honestly give him your appreciation. The thing about this discussion is that it goes to the heart of love and valuing and so, when he is expecting his physical needs to be met and you are steaming with resentment, this will only fuel the fire. If it may help, draw up a time chart with the time taken to do things, and include EVERYTHING from cleaning, hugging the children, reading to them, playing, shopping, etc etc - even unpacking groceries. The days go by SO quickly and you must do what you can to help him understand what you do - and don't be afraid to mention that some encouragement and recognition from him is what you really want.

Debbie - posted on 05/27/2012

I would leave him at home for one day with all the responsibility we have and he will very soon appreciate what you do!

Debbie - posted on 05/27/2012

I would leave him at home for one day with all the responsibility we have and he will very soon appreciate what you do!

Kimberley - posted on 05/27/2012

Just sit on your bum for the day and dont do anything at all, apart from the kids brekky and lunch. When he comes home and nothing is done, he will see what you do all day!!

Erica - posted on 05/27/2012

Charlotte, I have six kids and wish I had a maid *L*.

Teresa - posted on 05/27/2012

Trade places! They can't understand til they have walked in ur shoes! Believe me, being a Mom is the hardest job u could ever do. But the most rewarding one too! Talk to friends who pay for child care and cleaning services and tell him how much money ur saving the family! Wow! What a jerk!

Aunt Cece - posted on 05/27/2012

On his next day off, tell him you are going out for the whole day, and will be home when dinner is ready. Let him experience all that you do with 2 kids all day long..that'll teach him. Just don't fold when he says he doesnt want to do that..Insist that you need some time away from the kids for your own health..
If he asks that same question "what did you do all day?" hand him a list of every single thing you did in the order you did it..Write your list as you do all you do, and hand it to him when he comes home.
If that doesn't do it, and he still asks, say,
"Three guesses and the first two don't count." Also, get him involved with bathing and dressing the kids at night while you cook, or vice versa.. He isnt king of his castle..and you aren't his maid.

Marisa - posted on 05/27/2012

Tell your hubby he is lucky to have you! I'm a SAHM too and I have a 3 year old and a nine month old.. The house is not super clean but the kids are bathed and fed.. I do laundry but if my kids need to get outside I do just that. I can always clean house.Later I agree with what one of the other ladies said... Have him take both of them for an afternoon.. He will appreciate you more! My hubby gives me a break when he gets home so I can finish up cleaning .. You're a good mom and wife..

Fiona - posted on 05/27/2012

Im actually in the same position ive tried not doing anything. being away for weekends doesnt work for me he does nothing won't even prep a dinner for his daughter..its a dreadful place to be in.people who look at sahm's as women who dont do much makes me so mad..hope your partner reacts when you abandon the household chores
x

Charlotte - posted on 05/27/2012

Hey all! I am a stay at home mom too, with 3 kids aged 2, 4 and 6. I am however very lucky in that we live in south africa and have a full time maid! i could not cope without her, and when she goes away i wonder how any of you amazing mothers out there cope full time on your own! complete respect! my only question is how do you not turn into a screaming banshee???

Deanna - posted on 05/27/2012

let him watch the boys for a few hours :P or when he says "I do all the work" say "I do all the dishes and laundry. you can do that too if you want to." *hugs*

Erica - posted on 05/27/2012

One day my ex and I made a deal, I would volunteer somewhere for a week and he'd take care of the house like I did. He lasted two days lol. Let your hubs try it. make a list of what you do daily and leave it on fridge for a few weeks and then offer him a challenge; he takes a week off from work to do your job. If he can do it SUCCESSFULLY (you will have to define successful) you will deal with,his remarks, but if he can't he will quit yapping.

Chantal - posted on 05/27/2012

the simplest way would be for you to have a day off when he has a day off - write him a list of things you usually do in terms of chores and let him het on with it. When you get back at the end of the day I am sure he will be breathing a big sigh of relief!

Pamela - posted on 05/26/2012

Perhaps he doesn't see as well as you expect him to or think he does. If your house is always clean, etc. then he probably doesn't "see" like you would expect him to.

If you can stand not doing what you usually do and simply leave chores undone and when he comes home announce, "Well today dear I didn't do all the things I normally do before you get here, just so you can witness what I normally do each day." Perhaps then he will get the idea!

If you can't do that, one day make a list as you go along doing the chores. Write each one down with a number in front, i.e. 1. made the bed we slept in 2. Did the laundry 3. Washed morning dishes 4. Changed the baby's diaper 5. Made lunch for the children and me 6. Cleaned up from lunch 7. Changed the baby's diapers.........you get the idea. Then when he asks "What did you do all day?" Hand him the list and smile!

However you do it, have fun with it! LOL!!!

Anna - posted on 05/26/2012

I'd personally tell him to STFU, and I have (when I was unemployed). You might suggest that the two of you switch places for a day; I'm sure you could use a break, and he sounds like he could use a reality check.

Paula - posted on 05/25/2012

he KNOWS - he just does it to try and put u in your place - some guys will be resentful no matter what u do - if u worked too and he had to lift a finger to help out with household duties he'd groan about that - he sounds like a little bit of a bully - probably unhappy in his own station in life - nothing u can do - ur 22 with TWO underschool age kids - wait til they are both in school full time then get back to school for medical billing or anything u can get financial aid for - and empower urself in case boyfriend/hubby keeps on pulling rank - i just hope he stays til then - u do need financial support - does he pay all the medical - listen ive been in a marriage like that since forever with a guy saying things like that to make me feel down because HE feels down about who he is - my advice is to beat him at his own game - praise him to the highest and use him for w/e u can for as long as you can and hopefully love will grow - noone who loves anyone would talk down to them like that - trust me i know just bide your time - and tell him you do everything you can - if he has other things, please give you a list and you will try to make his life as easy as you can and that you go appreciate hes out all day - just dont get into a huge power play thats never good - ive seen that stuff come to blows

Janine - posted on 05/25/2012

although my hubby usually never asks 'what i did all day' he knows how hard i work im a sahm with 5 kids. i keep a very clean house and supper is on the table at 5pm sharp. i make all the food from scratch. i DID however go on 'laundry strike' i will only was the 2 babies clothes, my clothes and the towels that make it to the laundry room. i sit with my coffee in the morning and watch my hubby and 3 older kids scramble around to find something clean to wear. lmao. they will ask me 'where are my clean clothes?' i just look myself up and down and look my littles ones up and down and say'i dont know, we have on clean clothes. your clothes are your problem' you just sometimes have to nevermind what others think and spend time with the kiddos cause soon they will be moved out .. so next time he askes what you did just say 'played with the kids' and make sure that is true :)

Tammy - posted on 05/25/2012

My husband used to give me grief about not doing things around the house...until one day, I went for a girls day out and left him with our one year old girl. He has never complained since and always tells me how much he appreciates all I do.

JEN - posted on 05/25/2012

Respect is earned not given, dont allow someone to treat u wrong. He needs to see what u do. Have him syay home one week. You leave 8 hours a day dont lift a thing and also, ,men dont see unless its gone. Be gone ,if its trash u will know if its real he will express his love don't
sell out.
Jen
mother of 3
Working pro

Holly Janelle - posted on 05/25/2012

Girly I am in the same boat well kind of. I have a SO of almost 2-1/2 years. He has an 11 yo son that I have been taking VERY good care of I take care of everything under the sun when it pertains to taking care of my SS. Before me, my SO was with a girl that was a school teacher but just didn't know how to handle him (because he is a very head strong difficult kid), and the fact that he had a kid by someone else(and I kind of feel the same way). The next was a complete b...you know what and told everyone that he still peed the bed and was just really mean just a good for nothing so then I came along. I take care of everything(I'm 24 btw he is 31) no one has to lift a finger. Before I came along my step son was being taken care of by his grandfather who has lived with my SO and SS since the ending of the first major relationship i mention and he let him sleep in his soiled sheets and everything his clothes everything smelled like urine! Now that I have taken the reins around here that isn't the case anymore. I take are of every aspect of this house and do a damn good job excuse my language, but my SO other acts like when we get into arguments about what I do and how I get no aknowledgement he says it would be done if you weren't here because his dad is there. Even though his dad is half ass at everything he does, I promise you he would miss me! anyways sorry I keep jabbering on but anyways he told me because we fight and argue that he is starting not give give a crap anymore and when I told him my ex e-mailed my brother asking about me my SO said he didn't even care he said I could go to him and he wouldn't get jealous or mad. So I quite laying out his clothes for him before work and after his shower in the bathroom when he gets home so his heiness doesn't get cold, quite having his tea ready when he gets home from work quite making his dinner plate...the list goes on I made everything really easy for him where he didn't have to do anything when he got home and just relax but im done making it easyfor him if he isnt going to appreciate it. He acted like it was so damn hard to show me he appreciated what I do. Since I have come in this house it has changed for the better No question. My SS used to get into trouble ALL THE TIME at school but now it's very rare but he won't let me take any credit for that even though I have created structure and stability in his sons life. Last night in bed he said "I have a 3 day weekend" and I said "uh huh" and he said I guess "That's good for me and bad for you I guess" I just kept quiet why should I make him feel better when I couldn't give a crap he made me feel like dirt?? At least he can tell that I sick and tired! I deal with all of the above and my father in law living with us come on! I'm so close to wanting to get out I have looked at apartments and I know the one I want but I'm waiting on this job and if I get it I have some serious serious thinking to do and I $175 deposit to get ready to put down. I'm angry too Girl but I think the only thing stopping me us our 14 month old beautiful daughter we have together. I don't know what to tell you but your not the only one. Sry you have to go through this :(

Sue - posted on 05/25/2012

Most men like their food cooked I would go on strike, not clean the house make sure the children are clean and fed. If that doesn't work go away for the weekend and leave him to do all chores and look after the children. He should appreciate you more

Melissa - posted on 05/24/2012

i loved being a stay at home Mum, and i miss it sooo much, but i do see your fustration, the father of my children used to come home to an immaculate house, tea cooked, children happy....and the best thing i did was got a weekend job, it was in a fruit shop every second weekend, gave me some independence as well as gave him a chance to have his childre-chores and all, i would write a detailed list of their and my routines, of course he never followed it but at the end of the day i came home to happy kids and cleanish house, cos he would do a last minute tidy up before i arrived home!!

NECELIA - posted on 05/24/2012

You don't show him anything because he will never know! Point blank if he is complaining about being the bread winner while you take care of a family that he made leave his ass he is not a man but a child!!!! He will grow up when your gone!

Kristie - posted on 05/24/2012

They should be grateful! I always ask if he wants something to eat(breakfast) when I get mine and the kids ask if he wants lunch(on weekends), does he need anything to drink, I get his clothes(work or otherwise) out for him, I take his boots off sometimes. Gee I think I do more for him than I do for the kids..

Jessica - posted on 05/24/2012

I am almost 25 and have a 5 year old daughter. I cannot work due to being disabled and, though I am thankful to have an amazing husband who doesn't have the "what do you do" attitud, we live wih his father and he tends to be that way. I keep the house clean, I cook the meals and I also help keep his 10 & 11 year old daughters entertained on the days that he has them...still, he gets aggrivated if I don't spend every minute doing absolutely everything at the house. My daughtgr isn't in school yet, so she is home with me and I usually go spend time at my mothers during the day in case I have a seizure so my little one won't be alone. He has given me trouble about why I waste time over there instead of having my mom come here... my mother has a home of her own to take care of and my 3 sibblings still live with her. I don't understand why people hav to use money or the "roof over your head" excuse to be ignorant.

Sharsti - posted on 05/24/2012

Yep, everyone is right. He needs a training weekend!! Leave town for the weekend ASAP!

Uma - posted on 05/24/2012

Oops! I guess I posted a link that has been shared by others at least twice. Never mind, it is interesting to read. The picture is good too.

Uma - posted on 05/24/2012

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Check this link. Perhaps you could do what it suggests. lol

Lauren - posted on 05/24/2012

OMG!! Take a vacation and let him stay with them for a week. I have a 6, a 4 and a 1 year old. And I work full-time ~ Thank Goodness. Staying at home is the hardest job in the world!!! You are amazing!!!!

Tracie - posted on 05/23/2012

Leave him alone with the kids for two days with a list of chores and errands. No one can ever understand how demanding it is unless they do it. It will be a real eye opener for him, trust me. Good luck.

Ginger - posted on 05/23/2012

In truth hardly anything gets done in my house. By the time I get one thing clean my son has destroyed it the tornado of child has passed through my house. But I am also very very blessed to have a husband that understands and will help clean when he can.

Now there was a time when I was cleaning, leaving a plate of leftovers in the fridge covered up and all he had to do was heat it up when he got home. All his clothes were hung up, still got asked where where they, bathrooms were spotless, daily the floor was vaccumed two or three times. He finally had the gull one day after he helped clean up a kid tornado mess in ONE room to ask what the hell do I do all the time. I flipped I had enough.

I turned around and stopped doing it. Everything completely stopped, when he started to nagg I looked him the face and said, "Wheres my sick leave, vk pay, wheres my raise, wheres my over time?" Than I got even more pissy and started to list off the things I did and how if I was a professional in the work place what each job title was and how much I would make. I looked at him and said, "Either start coughing up the dough or stop complaining and start helping because I'm done unless I get help."

Now I get help and we work together. He understands I can't vaccumm no longer due to my asthma so he does it. He understands I HATE HATE HATE doing dishes so he does them after work or before he leaves. I do my darnest to clean up what I can before tornado kid attacks and he has came home to at least one room totally spot while the rest are almost there and thanks me for trying.

I will admit that I am a spoiled house wife. But thankfully my husband now understand that what I do is a full time job. Also on the weekends now he mostly puts our son to sleep because I need that break of fighting about bed time.

I hope your man understands your more than just a sahm.

Vicki - posted on 05/23/2012

Ugh what a horrid attitude. I've had this a bit from my partner as well. Where is your lunchbreak, child free pee time, freedom to walk around the shops on your own? Others have some great suggestions on how to make him understand but if you want a morale booster I suggest tracking down a book called 'What Mothers Do', your local library could probably get it for you if you don't want to buy it. It's an awesome read and made me feel a hell of a lot better.

Emma - posted on 05/23/2012

There's not much we can say that will make them understand. I am a wahm (works at home mum!) with a couple of days daycare relief so I can get my job done. While my hubby doesn't outright say 'what have you been doing all day' he does get irritable if his shirt isn't where he expects it, or if I haven't done one of the many jobs he rings me and asks me to complete through the day when I have the kids. A bit passive aggressive, really. We make it easier for them to stay ignorant by helping them so much when they DO care for the kids, ie we don't expect any washing or cleaning to be done, just fun and feeding. We let them take the kids to Maccas instead of planning and cooking a proper nutritious meal, and we help by laying out clothes and packing lunch before we go etc, etc. I've given up trying to justify what I do. He's just jealous because he thinks it's all coffee dates and lying around - what HE would do if he was left at home all day. A funny way to handle it would be to take one day to write a list of all the little jobs you do all through one day. Then get quotes from a cleaner, a laundrette, a chef, a tutor and a playland to do the same jobs. Give him a bill for those amounts and show him THAT's the money you just earned today!

Victoria - posted on 05/23/2012

I gave my partner a invoice and told him if I was out in the work force doing everything I do at home then, this is how much I would get paid and that's how much he would have to pay to have a cook, a cleaner and a nanny and if he didn't want to pay for all that then he better shut up or he could do it himself.
I never heard anything about it again.

Erin - posted on 05/23/2012

Don't do any of the stuff you mentioned and then when he asks you that question then you can say this is What it looks like when I do nothing. Now you can make your own dinner, clean the house feed the kids, bathe the kids, clothe the kids, brush their teeth, play with them, read to them, teach them, take care of them when they are not feeling well, take them grocery shopping , do all the laundry, etc etc etc etc etc. I went thru the same thing when I only had one...I decided to work when my son was 18 months and all it took was 2 weeks and he was begging me to stay home with him...he had a whole new outlook on what I did all day and had a bigger respect for me. You keep doing what you are doing...all us moms know that its like having two full time jobs. On his day off give him a list of all the things u do in a day and have him accomplish that while taking care of two little ones. Best of luck to you .

Jacqueline - posted on 05/23/2012

For some reason, it is difficult for the men to understand the amount of work a SAHM does? I would stop trying to explain it. Action speaks louder than words - I went away for a few days leaving my husband to do EVERYTHING. I did not worry about it because men are quite capable but choose not to do it!!!. Your trip would have to be a planned one together to keep in his good books and just reassure him that you have "no doubt that he can manage"!! If you are unable to do this, just maybe get an hour or two "me time" which is out of the house - perhaps when he comes home from work???? This will at least help to maintain your sanity and to help you feel a bit better!! Just remember.....MEN ARE FROM MARS!!

Shawnn - posted on 05/23/2012

Well, I found that, when mine asked that question, he truly was asking because he'd have much rather been home with us, and doing what we were doing!

He didn't mean it in a demeaning way at all. Now, he's the stay home, and I work full time. Neither of us asks the other what we did today, just how the day went.

Have you bothered to mention it to him, and tell him how it makes you feel? I mean, really sit him down, and say, look here's what I do in a day, and it really hurts that you say things like...and fill in that blank. That's what I did, and amazingly, understanding happened.

And we're celebrating 23 years this year.

Christy - posted on 05/23/2012

I know that you and your husband must have agreed that you should stay home with your kids and not work for pay, why did you decide that it was a good idea? Sometimes we forget and society looks down at moms who "don't work" (for pay). I have told my husband before that I feel like I should get a job to help out. That doesn't go very far because by the time you add up the cost of day care, nice work clothes, car expense, etc. and you know that you still have to cook and clean your house (or someone does). I am so blessed that my husband does appreciate me and everything that I do. He likes that he and our kids are my focus, they are my job. And he tells me that he couldn't afford to pay me for all I do.