How do you move on from the death of a child?

Kerryann - posted on 02/10/2009

Thank you Jerri..we celebrated her birthday also and it was hard cause it was so soon after she died..she died in June and her birthday is/was November 17th..i went to work and tried not to fall apart that day but it was hard for everyone..i called my brother and he was on his way to her grave ..they let lose 2 doves in her honor..last year when she was down for spring break i had gotten a new cell phone that could video as well as take pictures and i spend that whole time she was with me video taping her like a crazy aunty..lol..i taped her dancing and singing..i didn't realize how important that little piece of video was gonna be :( before the funeral her mom was suck a mess ..wishing she could hear her laugh and voice and until she said that i forgot that i had even taken the video of our Jah Jah..i showed it to her and she cried and cried but she hugged me so tight and told me thank you and please keep my phone safe cause that was the last piece of Anjahreca that we had..i think i must of watched that video at least a million times since...

Jerri - posted on 02/10/2009

Kerryann,

I am so sorry, truly. I know that I can't say anything to ease your pain or balm the loss of your niece, knowing personally how you feel since I lost a child myself. I can say that the only thing that will help is time and prayer. You will never get over it, but you can move on and get past it. Dealing with the loss of my son, I celebrate his birthdays. I may plant a tree, or send off balloons or it could be as simple as eating a cupcake or having a good cry as I watch his last video. Important to remember is that you have a gorgeous, little boy who is full of life and energy. And now knowing that we have no promise of tomorrow then live your life to the fullest with that little boy and play every day and enjoy him because we know that we are not guaranteed tomorrow with our children.

Father God,

I lift my sister, Kerryann, up to You. Her heart is broken and grief has slowed her down. Father grant her healing as only You can and give her strength to move on. Father, fill her heart with great peace so she can know that her baby is fine and well resting in Your arms. I ask all these thing in Your precious name. Amen

Johan - posted on 02/09/2009

terrible 2 experience the loss of a child,but these feelings r all normal,dont xpect 2 snap out of it,it wudnt b rite ,u wudnt 4give urself if u didnt get upset,allow urself 2 feel pain,anger and all the other emotions u have.no1 xpects u or ur son 2 b brave even yrs l8r ,if u want 2 break down and cry do so.talkin does help esp wiv others that have experienced the same loss.4 awhile do xactly wot ur doin wiv ur son,no1 will frown on u 4 being a protective parent,a gd parent.in time the pain will gently ease but u will neva 4get.i lost twin boys they only lived 4 50 minutes,so i can feel sum of ur pain.my 3 step children dealt wiv the loss and continue 2 deal wiv the loss beta than us adults.but as long as u keep talking 2 ur son about it,u'll both heal each other,.hope that helps.xxxx

Maria - posted on 02/09/2009

I understand your pain I lost my Nephew-GodSon Alex in a terrible car crash on my youngest daughters 4th Bday. Alex was a blessing to us we have 3 girls and he was our son. He was a wonderful bright thoughtful child he and our middle child were born 2 days apart.



I understand how you feell regarding be overprotective. Healing comes with time and alot of support from others..



I cannot tell you how many times I got up in the middle of the night to check on my girls. How many nights I stayed up crying after they fell asleep and still do. The pain never goes away I think we just learn a better way to cope with it.



The both of you are in my thouhghts and prayers...

Kerryann - posted on 02/09/2009

thanks again everyone for your kind words..i'm trying to take one day at a time..today is a good day..i thought of her all day but i wasn't crying today..the day i posted this note was a reallyyyyy BAD day and i couldn't seem to get a handle on my emotions..today was a day of disbelief if that makes any sense..all day i kept thinking "if she really dead? or am i dreaming?"..smh..sometimes it doesn't seem real..

Sherry - posted on 02/09/2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there were definite answers on how to deal with this but I my suggestion is to turn to your faith and a good church to talk to someone there about how you feel as a aunt who lost her niece and as a current mother who needs to better understand how to do with this for yourself and your child. Look online for support groups too and go talk to a therapist to just get some stuff out so you aren't holding it all in. Think about her often and always remember she is still with you in your heart.

Rebecca - posted on 02/09/2009

I can't say when the feeling will go away, but I can share my experience with you and maybe it will help.
Last August, we lost my husband's grandfather to cancer. It was difficult because even though we were expecting it (he was at the end), it still came as a shock. This man that had been the cornerstone to the family was now gone. He was like a father to my husband, as his father was never around. My husband lost his brother when he was 18 and he had never been the same since, his brother was only 13 and as you can imagine it devastated the family. The day after my husband's grandfather passed, we got a call saying my Uncle had passed also. The way my Uncle went was so shocking and so unexpected, I couldn't believe it. It actually took a couple of weeks for it to sink in, I thought someone had made a mistake. Even today as I write this, I can still hear my brother's voice on the phone saying Uncle Joe died. It was so hard to deal with the two simultaneously, as they were both two totally different circumstances. Here I was trying to be strong for my husband, then I got the call and it shook me so hard. I remember talking to my mother in law after it happened, as her son passed in a similar way to my Uncle. She said that when it happened, she could not let her boys out of her sight. The first night, they slept in the same room. She had to get a neighbour to go and get a pizza for them for dinner because she couldn't leave the house, and couldn't leave the boys. It's been over ten years since his passing, and I don't think that any of them are really over it. But they have found a way to move on with their lives and to focus on the positive. My mother in law now has a daughter (me) and a beautiful grandchild with one on the way. All these things have helped the healing process along. Please give yourself time. You will heal when you are ready to, there's no set time frame. Just know that there are people out there that have experienced loss, and we are all sending you and your family love and light. I'm glad you reached out for help :)

Beth - posted on 02/06/2009

but I in away i dont think you will forget.. you see i had a family friend pass away it will be 5 years on the 21st of this month and I think about it every day as well... our whole life changed.. he was in the car with his wife. and was hit but a dumb ass drunk driver who decied to pass a big rig on a double yellow line.... killed him right there.... I still remember the call from my dad as if it was yeaterday and as am writting this i have tears in my eyes.... I have really never told any one how i really feel about this.... in our case there was no funreal due to his wife being in the hospital for like 3 to 4 months.... there was just a viewing.... and our life is nothing like it use to be... my dad never talks to his wife anymore.. my dad use to work with his son... and they never talked about it either.... I do have to say that I was glad that i was around before he died... you see we had moved about 30 minutes my me and my boyfriend at the time were bowling where he did.... and we also went to vagas the thanksgiving before he past.... but never got to tell him how i much he meant to me... I think that its worse when you lose someone like that.... other then them being sick.... its hard!!!!

Beth - posted on 02/06/2009

I dont know what to say but.. my mother in law last one of her children... in a motercycle accident... you can feel free to ask how she put her self together for all of her 11 children... my husband was only 8 when it happen.... She was in collage...  Her Name is Jane sanders....

Kerryann - posted on 02/06/2009

everyone thank you so much for all the advise..i had to ask because i was feeling so crazy inside from all this sadness. I do believe in god but right now I'm really sad and really PISSED that my baby girl is gone.. It's not fair that i won't get to hear about her first crush or first kiss. I'm not gonna watch her graduate or get married or have children..i feel so robbed and i'm angry about it and i'm just the aunt..my brother lost his baby and i can't make it better..i feel helpless and lost and scared all the time..and i'm drowning in maybes..maybe if she had come a week ahead for the summer instead of waiting the following week she was killed MAYBE she would still be here..maybe if i had of done this maybe if i had of done that..all those maybe and what ifs are kicking my butt..

Caroline - posted on 02/06/2009

Most people say I am sorry for your loss, but I don't start with those words I hope that those years you had with her were the best of your life now is the time to cherish those moments, don't be sorry for loosing her be happy for the times that you had with her, when you see her face as you close your eyes don;t feel sadness feel happy for the time you had together with her think of her laughter you had together. I am not a believer in god I have lost too many to have belief. I think of my loved ones every day and feel the warmth of their love each day. For your son, keep him close you need him, just make sure that each day to laugh and smile together, you are there to protect him and with in time you will find the confidence to let him go little by little or he will let you when he is ready. Live day by day, each day write a list of the good things in your life and you will start on positive. The hurt will never go it may fade a little but its the hurt that makes us human and you will learn to live with the hurt. Take care and all the best for yout future with your amazing son and family x

Francesca - posted on 02/06/2009

It was really sad reading your story Kerry-Ann and my thoughts are with you with your loss. I'm not sure if I can help because i have never personally suffered that kind of a loss however my partner whom i have been with for almost a year has and I can only talk on experience i have learned from him and how i have helped him. He lost a daughter when she was 4 and a half months old approx 19 years ago and he is almost just really dealing with her loss and his grief properly now because for many years he wasn't able to grieve for her as he felt he needed to be strong for everyone and so his feelings kind of became buried and he could only keep it personal to himself... When we met last year he was very honest with me and told me about his daughter but he wouldn't say too much and to be honest i didn't like to push him. I noticed that all he had in memory of his daughter was a beautiful picture taken just 2 weeks before she died where she was smiling and although it was a lovely picture it was in a worn out frame and it was the only picture that he had of her, so I gave him a frame that I had and we put her in it which made such a difference. He had also told me that he had always wanted an oil painting of that picture but nobody had ever done it for him and he found it hard to do it for himself, so for his birthday I got it done for him and it woz the most moving moment ever. He began to talk about her alot more and he also began to grieve for her but he still kept her private to a point. Slowly as time has gone on he has began to deal with his grief and be more open about her and last week was the proudest moment ever for him when he had a tattoo done in memory of her. It was his own hands holding a baby and handing her over to god so it had her name and the dates she was born/died on it and with the words in gods hands.... I was soo proud of him for doing that as it meant he was sharing her with the world and knowing that people would ask him the story behind the tattoo it meant he would have to talk about more openly which he did and continues to do and it has really helped him. His daughter would be soo proud of her dad and thats what he takes in his thoughts every day. From my point I just wanted her spirit to be alive again through her picture and portrait and she sits in our front room looking at us everyday with her beautiful smile and it has helped him heaps. He will never get over the loss but he can deal with it alot better because now he feels that she is around him all the time and I know she watches over him as I have felt her in our house and she has come to me on a couple of occasions so I know she is there too... He does tell me that he never would have done any of this now without me helping him but i don't feel like i have done anything really i have just tried to show him another way of accepting his loss.... I don't know if this has been of any help to you I hope it has - if you would like you can add me as a friend and then take a look at the pics of the tattoo of my partners it is beautiful.... Take care Kerryann and i hope you can take something from the fact that your niece's spirit will be with you and she will help guide you with your son just have faith in that. xxx

Nicole - posted on 02/06/2009

Hope your doing better from the great advice you've gotten.



I am writing from the experience of a child that lost a cousin. When I was little,9 yrs old, my cousin died in a car accident. She was the oldest, 17, of the cousins and a big role model to me. To tell you the truth I don't remember the funeral even though I did go to it. I don't even remember what I thought back then, I think as a kid I took it and stored it for later. Mind you I never talked to anyone like a counceller and just kept it inside.

Now it didn't bother me until later when I was in high school and the age that she was. It hit me then that she would never be older than that and that my Aunt would never have any experiences with her daughter passed that age (graduation, marrage, grand children...etc...). I am now married and have 2 girls of my own and at every stage I went through I thought about my cousin and aunt. I had times where I would cry in my room or I would hear of someone else in an accident and take a time out again.



This has not prevented me from living my life and being happy but I did notice it coming up a lot and when I became a Mom that's when I talked to someone just to keep from being scared like it sounds like you are for your son. This helped a bunch I think in even just the actual talking and getting off my chest.



I think that in you having talked to your son about it should do a lot and let him know that you are always there if he ever has any questions or just wants to remember her. For myself looking back I wish I had talked to someone then.



Hope that helps a little. You and your son will be okay. Take everyones advice and do what works for you two and give him lots of hugs.



Oh and I survived a car accident because due to that happening I took first aid courses and learned all the safety messures of using and being in a motor vehicle.

Cindy - posted on 02/06/2009

There is also a Group called Compassionate Friends Organization that is all over the world in every state..They are wonderful, they know exactly what we parents feel because they are in the same place we are...www.compassionatefriends.org

Cindy - posted on 02/06/2009

I lost my youngest daughter August of 2007, she had just turned 19 yrs old and I can tell you I have always been strong til then...I have just realized starting around the holidays this year that I have missed so much time...It is so weird...I don't remember things. I have been in a fog. You have to take 1 day at a time. lots of counceling, and more than that is prayer! God is the only way I am here today and the only way I will be tomorrow. I am so sorry for you loss and her Mother's.

Candice - posted on 02/06/2009

I am sorry for your loss.  There really is no time frame for grief. I can tell you that it will get better. The only thing you can do is focus on all the good times and remember that she is in a better place and that one day you will see her again. Time is your friend. It may be a year from now or longer, but you will be able to talk about the good times with others without the fear of totally breaking down.  To help my 7 year old son cope with the loss of his brother, we went and let him pick out a baby oak tree and we planted it. We called it Mason's tree. Another thing we did was we made a keepsake box that sits beside my bed. In it, my son helped pick out little stuff, like stuffed animals, pictures, blankets. We put them in the chest and take them out a couple of times a year to remember my son. These things seemed to help both of us. Counceling is always a good idea.

PaulaandRoss - posted on 02/06/2009

Sorry for your loss.  Although circumstances are very different, I can understand what you are going through.  Eight years ago I lost my infant son.  The pain never goes away, but things will get easier.  Find a personal way for you to deal with your loss.  For me, what really helped was having a journal to write in...all of my sadness, my anger, my pain, my worries, all of my emotions were poured into my journal.  This was my way to positively vent all of my emotions, without hurting anyone's feelings and without making anyone feel uncomfortable with my need to let all of my thoughts and feelings out. 

Having someone to talk to, that will truly listen and not judge, is also very important.

Let your emotions out!  Move forward, while you cherish your memories...this will also help you be the best mom to your son.  Talk to him about things when he chooses...he will want to talk about things eventually.  When I lost my son, I had an 8 year old daughter that I had to be strong for.  She vented out in her own way and talked about the death of her brother, when she wanted too.

Hang in there.  Things will get better!

Demetria - posted on 02/06/2009

First of all, my family and i offer condolences.... we are very sorry about your loss. 

now to respond to your question... in my opinion, you will never move on from the death of a child.  That is something that you will carry with you for the rest of your life.  i know that sounds grim, but trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel

you should stop trying to move on and start trying to accept it.  there is a difference.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but i believe firmly in Jesus Christ.  I've learned thru my faith that horrible things happen to good people, simply because evil exists in the world.  Evil is like a bullet, it has no eyes and it hits whoever. That makes life hard and difficult, cus you never know when tragedy will strike your house.

The key to dealing with tragedy is acceptance. The pain will always be there, cus that was your sweet niece. but when you begin to accept the fact that she is @ peaceful rest in the Saviour your soul will smile. you can then share this story with someone who has suffered the same trial.  Pray that God will give you peace....peace that even you won't understand. His divine peace can calm the most horrible flame in your heart.  Seems easier said than done, huh? it is. it will DEFINITELY take time but you will overcome the hurt as long as you can accept it.  I don't know you but i love you for being so brave to ask facebook mommies for help. Continue to stay strong, my friend!!!

Kelly - posted on 02/06/2009

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.I can not begin to imagine the emotions you must deal with on a daily basis.My first thought is to take all that sadness and turn it into a positive by being the best Mom that you can be.Draw strength from that terrible loss and do not take one day for granted with your child.Put all that energy into your child.You cant loose that way.

Ronica - posted on 02/06/2009

I m so sorry to hear of your loss. I have no answers other than remember all the good times and never feel that it's inappropriate to cry or to talk about it. The best thing i think would be to see a councillour for you and your child. He may say that hes fine but in 10 years it may hit him and he'll need a way to deal with it. Good luck with this :)