How do you prepare a child for the death of a parent ?

Melanie - posted on 12/08/2009

O sweetie,what a tough situation to be in.I honestly don't know the best thing,but I have a suggestion.......Have your husband make a video diary for your daughter and encourage him to do a little of it by himself,so that he can trully express his emotions and feelings.Then you ought to make one of your daughter and him together.As for everyone,nobody knows their final day,so make it the best,and ALWAYS tell him you love him even on the roughest days...that's when it needs to be let known the most. GOOD LUCK!!

Shelley - posted on 12/07/2009

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. My best friend lost her husband unexpectedly a few years ago and she has three young children. She immediately sought counseling for herself and how to deal with the children. She learned so much and it really helped her through a very difficult time. I would recommend counseling from a professional so you will be better prepared. Keep pictures of your husband for your daughter.

Karrington - posted on 12/07/2009

There are wonderful ideas already posted but perhaps your husband and you should talk to your daughter together before he passes IF he passes. My cousin (who I am very close to) has two children who do not know their biological father (his choice). Her new husband and the man my adorable and precious cousins call Daddy has cancer, he had been in remission for four and a half years when the cancer came back. My cousins know that Daddy is sick and that he might die and they are sad but they also realize that everything their Daddy goes through is painful and makes him very ill and that in Heaven those things do not happen. Although he is a cousin by marriage Brandon has helped me so much with everything (while I was pregnant and even now he takes care of my car i.e. oil changes because I do not have anyone else to do it) and last year at Christmas time we did not think he was going to make it to this Christmas and he is still with us. Just make sure that you stay strong the best that you can in order to help your daughter through this but let her know that it is okay to express her feelings. Your story broke my heart and instantly brought tears to my eyes, I am so sorry for this hardship that has been placed upon you. God Bless, I will ask my Young Mothers group at church to pray for you and your family.

Dora - posted on 12/07/2009

My heart goes out to you. I almost lost my son just a couple of yrs. ago. He was missing for 3 days. He tried to committ suicide. I was the one who found the blood stained jeans. He has a, now 13 yrs. old sister, I struggled with how I was going to tell her about this and what if he had succedded. The Drs. have told us he will prob. succeed someday. He is Schizophrenic and is now on meds that help a great deal. I have also lost a Uncle and cousin to suicide so I was so hating to tell my Mom about her grandson. It is not a easy thing to do nor a thing you expect to have to tell a loved one. I also lost my only sibling in a motorcycle wreck this past yr. The only thing I can tell you is to not to lie in anyway to your child. They will always remember this and that will only make it more difficult later. I would let her know, as many of the others have said, that Dad will be gone and not coming back. He is going somewhere we all will go someday and she will see him once again. Her Daddy will be o.k. when she sees him again and he will no longer be sick and in pain. God needs another Angel to look over her. Something I would also do while she still has her Daddy is to make as many memories as possible now for her. Video tape her with him, even if it is just laying beside him or watching a movie together. If he is unable to write, have him tell you in his own words what he would like for her to remember and you write or type it for her. Maybe a letter for each birthday until she is 18. Have him say what he feels he would say to her on those days if he were with her himself. Or video tape him saying it himself. I think the most important thing now is to make as many memories together with him as a family as possible for your child to cherish. I know it is hard for you. My Father has had cancer and now needs a triple by pass and hernia surgery. Dr. aren't sure what to do next. Telling our children they are about to lose someone they love is never a easy thing to do. I used to go to Church with some kids that lost both their parents and the boy was only a few wks. old when his father passed. Their Mother passed just a few yrs. later. Grandma has them and she is now in the hospital and unsure if she will make it. The one thing I have watched this family do it stick together no matter what for these kids. They have made sure they go to Church, boy and girl scouts and other public events. You have to keep life going for them and for you. Make sure you do not withdraw no matter how much you want to. Pray every day and God will give you the strength you need to go on for you and your child. God Bless you and you are in my prayers!

Lorraine - posted on 12/07/2009

I read your article and I have not had to tell a child about his father, but I did have to tell my 8 year old that his little brother had passed away 3 days after he was born. I had to tell my dad that my mom passed away while he was dealing with cancer. He passed away almost 4 months later. I do know that memories last a lifetime, remember the good ones you already have and try to make new ones every day. If you know the Lord as your personal Savior, then you know he is going to a place where there is no pain, no tears, or suffering. I prayed and believed that God would heal our Pastor. He was such a Godly man who served the Lord with all of his heart. I finally with God's help realized that God answered my prayer, just not the way that I wanted it to be answered. The doctor's could not heal him here, so God took him to Heaven. You must remember to be positive, I told my son when my second child passed that Timothy would always remain in our hearts and our thoughts. You must talk about it, it is good healing, cry, hit a pillow. I made a photo album for Timothy, my mom and my dad. It helped me alot. There are times when I get such a joy sharing my testimony and there are times when it seems I want to quit. God has to be your strength. He knows your heart, your hurt, pain, agony already, talk to Him about it. God will put the right people in the right place at the right time. You just have to trust Him. The body dies, the spirit goes to be with the Lord, but you can keep the memories alive and even though it sounds crazy, I still go to the cemetary and talk with my parents. I share my life with them and let them know what is going on, that also helps. I hope this is a help to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Stephanie - posted on 12/06/2009

My mom has stage 4 cancer and my daughter is very close to her nana and i have seeked counseling on how to help my 3 year old to understand. They suggested to get childrens books on death and grieving (hospice has great books) and to make poster boards with pictures of her and nana together. They also said to be open and honest with her. Cherish every moment and my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Jen - posted on 12/06/2009

My 1st husband past away suddenly 7 yrs ago when my boys were 4 & 1. We had no idea he had a heart condition & he suffered a massive heart attack that took his life. None of us had the opportunity to say good bye to him. I was totally honest with the boys that daddy died. That he wasn't coming back, he was in heaven with Jesus & God & Grampa Whitey. They were confused, as was I but I was always honest with them. I made each of them a daddy book that had pictures of them with daddy that they could look at whenever they missed him.

My advice to you is make the most of everything you have with your husband now. Enjoy each moment. Like Theresa said have him write in a journal to her so she has something to look back to & cherish for the rest of her life. I wish we had that opportunity for my boys. They only have my memories & what little they can remember now.

I wish you all the luck in the world. My prayers & thoughts are with you & your family.

Mandie - posted on 12/06/2009

Mary, wow, what a nightmare, I would get you both some counselling- whether or not your husband gets more ill, you are both really in a bad place right now and you need to be looked after.

Mary - posted on 12/06/2009

Thank you !!!

Mary - posted on 12/05/2009

Thank you all for your advice and support. There are some great ideas here. When I get the chance I will go through them more slowly and post some responses. This weekend he is hunting in the Southerntier, his 2nd. night out of the house for this trip. It is 12:30 and she is sitting on the floor in front of the wood stove blowing bubbles at her border collie. Hopefully sleep will come soon. Again, thank you all so much. It doesn't fell so lonely here tonight.

Jamie - posted on 12/05/2009

I was diagnosed with cancer in march 2007, and battled it, only to be told in may 2009 that i had a 2nd form of cancer as well that was more aggressive than the one that I already knew I had. While my girls were a bit older when i was first diagnosed, 6th grade and 9th grade, they were still children who's mom had cancer and might die. With every situation I had, between both diagnosis and all treatments, new findings, tests, all of that jazz, i was honest with them for their age level, i told them everything that i could to keep them informed, because no info causes minds to over think and make things worse sometimes. I bought books for them on the subject of parents with cancer, and i saw many out there for different age groups for a parent who has passed. There's lots of info out there, and i hope that you dont have to use it. I'm happy to say that for now, my cancer has gone into remission. I hope that you find some comfort.

Erin - posted on 12/05/2009

I have odd views on death...so everyone tells me...

Everyone is born to die. This is a fact of life. Grief is a selfish process that, granted, we must go through and everyone does differently; supposedly there is no wrong way to grieve. Personal experience tells me otherwise, but that's what they say. In the wake of his parents death my father turned into an alcoholic and not only did we lose our grandparents we lost our father as well...he is still living, but not in the sense that we want to associate with him; so in many ways he is dead to us. Getting to the point where you don't want to get out of bed, wish for your own death, or turn into an addict in my opinion are wrong ways to grieve.

With that being said, knowing that people who die do so for a reason helps me, sure we do not know that reason at the moment of their death it will come to us. As many have said, God needs them in heaven more then we need them here. To think that we need them more is selfish. We may want them a whole lot, we may have moments where we think we can not do without them, or that the tasks ahead of us are impossible, but realistically they are not and we can and should do what we have to to stay living. Walking around like a zombie does not qualify as this! Just because someone dies does not mean we have to stop living!!! You will need to live for your daughter, to show her that there will be things to look forward to, that together you both can do what is necessary to function as a family. You need to believe that you can do what you will need to for your daughter without her father around. You will need to be a rock! In the wake of someone's death it is understandable to be sad, because we will no longer be able to physically see the person we have come to love soo much. Just remember all the things that you, your daughter, and everyone in general have gained by your husband's life. You learned to love someone more then you thought possible, aside from your children I'm sure, you've learned what it is to have a best friend; you know all that you have gained by this person being in your life... You have not lost these things because of his death, you had them, you still have them...just differently. You need to remember that you have won a great deal by your life being blessed with his presence as long as you are able to have it, and that with faith/hope you will have many more blessings and should not waste time hating his loss, but spend your time enveloped in the remaining blessings you have and the future blessings you will enjoy! Don't let your life stop because of his death, and your daughter will be able to let her life continue as well.

There are many childrens books about grief and loss. Look them up, check them out at your local library. Read them before you read them to your daughter so you know they mesh with your beliefs about death, and if you find them extremely helpful you can buy them off of amazon.com or find them at a local book store. If you go to the book store first I would read them and again make sure they mesh with the message you want your daughter to have. There are also grief counselors you and your daughter may want to go...if you go they can help you determine how you want to approach the subject with your daughter...you could even start that soon since his death is imminent...help prepare you both before it comes. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family!

Carolyn - posted on 12/05/2009

I have been through 2 brain surgeries in the past 6 years and was told to make out my will both times. The last time, I was becoming a vegetable rapidly from fluid cysts on my brain. I wanted to kill myself so that I wouldn't be a burden to my kids and family. But I got on my knees and I prayed like I had never prayed before and I put my problems in Gods hand for whatever was to happen was his will. With in 2 days my doctor called and said he had a doctor from Japan that felt he could help me. Surgery would either kill me or save me. Either way was going to be his will. Well within 3 weeks I was able to walk without a walker, see normal again, feed myself, and finally after 6 years of being in pain every minute my eyes were open, I was no longer in pain and on no medication. My kids are 26, 24 and 23 now and I am enjoying life. We can't change what is will is but we can always have his memories. I would suggest you getting up with a place that you can make a teddy bear that has a recorder in it. Have your husband record messages for her and also have him to do a video and fill out cards (birthday, christmas, etc.) She will always have memories of him that she will cherish for the rest of her life. I will be praying for you and your family. Just remember even though you have and are going through so much God knows what you can handle so put it in his hands and he will take care of you and your family. When I was going through everything, I always said that I know someone is going through something even worst than me and that made it a little easier. Just let your husband and your daughter know that you love them everyday by showing them and telling them. You can keep a memory a live from one person to another with love. God Bless you and your family.....

Theresa - posted on 12/05/2009

I don't know how you prepare her for it, but you might want to take some time with your husband and help him write some things down for her. Things he'd want to tell her some day, advice, all the plans he had for her, how much he loves her some memories or funny stories about her and him, etc. Things she can read (or have read to her) and reread any time she misses her Daddy. Keep praying. Like you said you never know what God has planned.

Christal - posted on 12/05/2009

my father died when i was 5, in a motorcycle accident, him and my mother were both on it when a lady pulled out in front of them at an intersection, just less than a mile from our home. he never came home. me and my siblings stayed with our pastor and his family. i remember his wife, was honest about his death, but not harsh about it. she told us he was in heaven, that he loved us. and God needed him more than we did. we would visit his grave and bring flowers a lot, to help us cope with it.

i dont remember much about him, but thats what pictures are for. i'm just lucky god didnt need my mother, i dont think i could have handeled it. my mom is my best friend. i was a mommys girl. so i was lucky and happy to have her in my life.

so in short i agree with sharon, be honest. just make sure that you tell her over an over again that its not his choice and he loves her soooo sooo much. and that when shes older she will understand more. make sure you never let her forget him, with pictures. make a scrap book of pictures of the 2 of them. home videos. anything to keep his memory alive. its going to be hard on the both of you, but at least your daughter will still have her mother so be strong for you both.

God Bless, your in my prayers.

Christi - posted on 12/05/2009

I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for the death of a loved one. My mother had terminal cancer and although I told myself every day might be her last, it still hit me very very hard when she passed. I would sit her down and try to explain it like you would the passing of a pet almost. Tell her that her daddy loves her very very very much, but that he is very sick. Like Sharon said, don't tell her he is going away, she will think that it is her fault or that he no longer wants her. My husband put it this way for me when my mother passed, he told me God was building an army of all his most beloved children and my mother was one of his favorite. The reason she died here on Earth was so that God could call her home to fight for him in his army. It sounds silly, but it is really reasurring knowing that my mother had a greater purpose than to be here with me. And also tell her that just because she can't reach out and touch him doesn't mean he isn't here. He will watch over and guide her the rest of her life. It will be hard for her to understand and like I said, there is no way to prepare her or you for his death, but just reassure her that he is with God and he is very happy although he does miss her very very much. And always remember to tell her that he loves her. I really hope this helps and if you just need to talk, please feel free to send me a message.



God bless you and your family.

Sherilyn - posted on 12/05/2009

There is no simple, easy, or anyway of telling a child that thier parent is sick or is dying. I only know I had to hear it when I was young twice to my mother and father that their parents died.
The only thing I can think of is Daddy is sick and the angels are going to take him so that he can see you again one day.
That is what I was told about my Grand father after he had died in a airplane crash when I was 6 and I still see my grandpa he had once told me the stars were angels and everytime you see a shooting star you will see a angel comeing to save someone and that is why you make a wish.
I hope this helps you and god will be there with your family he was with you and your family through 9/11 he will be there through this.

Sharon - posted on 12/05/2009

You tell her simply & plainly with all the honesty a child her age can understand that daddy is sick & is dying.



Don't say "he isn't coming back." It implies he has a choice in this.



"the doctors have tried all they can, but they can't help him." Assure her he loves her and wouldn't leave if he had a choice. Its all you can do.