Mary - posted on 12/05/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )
... Orig. post in ... Moms with older husbands.....
My husband was a fireman at the 9/11 towers, just a few hours after the destruction.
His health is on a rapid decline recently.
Back surg. before we met.
His first heart attack was a month before the birth of our only child.
His second heart attack was the day before our wedding.
He had a biopsy done on his throat this summer that thankfully wasn't cancer.
Next week we find out the results of Bob's stress test (how much heart tissue is damaged since 2nd heart attack) and the PET scan results on Thurs. to see if the mass in his rt. lung cancer.
Sleep apnea is SO bad now, it intensifies with stress and exhaustion. I usually just rub him, or nudge him if I have to, the other night I had to physically wake him up 3 times. His C-Pap machine feels like scuba gear forcing air into your lungs, so he doesn't use it. There is no color in his face when he wakes up in the morning, he is gray if anything.
So, it took me years to find a man I could say... "I could spend the rest of my life with this person."... and I am loosing him.... I met a mountain man who could chop down a tree and build me a home with it, and now he has trouble picking up our daughter some days. I am watching him slip away right in front of me and it is ripping me apart !!! I am so frustrated, scared and angry. I have been trying to keep it together, push it out of my head, focus on Tayen. I have been walking around angry for days, the other day I finally just broke down sobbing during her nap. I don't know what to do.
It may not be right now, we never know what God's plan is. I am just trying to be realistic, the odds are it is going to happen someday. How do I prepare her (myself for that matter) for all this ? How do I make it ok ?!?! How do I look into those beautiful eyes and tell her that Daddy isn't coming home, he is home. Is there a way to do this so that she won't be scarred for life ? How can I help her become emotionally stable enough to LIVE through this. I know many adults, including myself, that show the results of not learning how to process the death of a loved one that we lost in our childhood. I shouldn't be baggage that she carries through her life, it should be an experience that helps her to become an empowered strong woman. How do I teach her what I never learned ?
I picture rocking her through the sleepless nights....
I can't write anymore right now....