How do you stop a teenage tantrum?

Laurie - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 124 moms have responded )

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My 17yr. old Daughter has been having a tantrum (literally) for over 2 hrs. I can't even tell you why anymore...she just won't stop screaming at the top of her lungs, pounding the floor, jumping up and down and throwing things. She says if she stops, then it will mean that I will win the argument...and she can't stand it if she thinks someone else is winning the argument. She won't let me leave my house. I've even tried locking myself in the bathroom to get away from her, but she broke the lock to get in. I've had to close all my windows because of her screaming, and I actually am surprised that someone hasn't called the Police yet. She is still hysterical...even as I type this. I can't get her to stop. She wants me to agree with her...but if I say I do (even though I don't) she doesn't believe me...so the tantrum continues. Any suggestion?

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JuLeah - posted on 05/14/2011

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She won't let you leave the house? Her behavior is called domestic violence. Do you have a realitive for friend you can call and ask to come over? Call one of her friends and let them listen to her scream.
If this is new behavior, she needs help, something major is going on. (medically maybe)
If this has happened before, she still needs help. This behavior will continue into her adult relationships. Do you want her treating your grandkids like this?
I'd kick her out of the house, at the very least. I'd not let her back until serious intervention happens. She can not be allowed to think this behavior is okay. She can't be allowed to say, 'I'm sorry" and have that be the end of it.

[deleted account]

Granted, my oldest two are only 9, but if they ever got that out of control on me.... I'd call the cops on them myself and have them there while I remove everything out of her room except her bed and a few outfits, box it all up, and put it in storage. She can have it all back when she is 18 and out of your house.... OR she chooses to respect you and your home. Which ever comes first.

Lori - posted on 05/17/2011

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I am a pediatric nurse with a degree in child development. My take on this is that your daughter can control her behavior because you state she doesn't do this in front of her father. She has learned that terrorist tactics work. If she is keeping you from leaving and breaking locks between you and her, police need to be called. This will only continue to escalate until violence is involved. This type of behavior is increasing in this young veneration where boundaries are blurred and there needs to be a list in all families we call it the "non-negotiables" if she crosses these and chooses consequences that needs to be HER fault. The police are trained to deal with exactly these child bullying the parent situation. If she knows that you will follow thru she will become more and more able to control herself. And that is the main goal that SHE control her self or you will control her

[deleted account]

As the mother of 3 adult daughters, i would say that this is not normal behaviour, and believe me, I've been through my share of female teenage tantrums!

I think she needs some help, as others have said. Shame should not be a consideration - who cares what others think if your daughter needs help?

I do think you need some assistance to cope with all of this. I'm not certain what to suggest, as I don't know your health system, but maybe you could start with a visit to your doctor - about yourself, not your daughter.

Jodi - posted on 05/14/2011

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I don't think this is something to be ashamed of, I think you need some support right now.

I don't know how your health system works, but if it anything like Australia's free health system, you can still get in to see private operators if you are prepared to pay. Do you have the ability to do this? If there is the option, it may well be worth paying rather than having months or years. This is definitely not normal 17 year old behaviour. Sure, the selfishness and tantrums might be, but not the physical violence and the hours of ranting, that just isn't normal.

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124 Comments

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Mary - posted on 03/16/2012

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Call the police. Her not allowing you to leave is illegal. So is breaking the lock. She needs a reality check!

Jeannine - posted on 11/23/2011

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OMG Laurie, I read your post and joined this site, because yoiu have the EXACT problem I have.....my daughter is 16, will be 17 soon and she just cant get to her first class on time. She has been late over 30 times and she's only been in the class for 2 and a half months. Blames it on her teacher, the bus, the distance of her locker, etc, etc etc. When I try to explain to her that it's unacceptable it turns into a screaming match...I litterally cannot get a word in edgewise. She phones me at work and does this too. I'll tell you what the problem is.....we were too easy on them the whole time, you know....the cool mom. Well, I'm sick and tired of it now, today was the last draw......She is losing all of her privledges and is grounded for a month. Would have been a week, but I added a week for everytime she called me back at work, after I had already told her to stop phoning me and yelling at me on the phone. I have to stick to it. Simple. Wish me luck!

DAWN - posted on 10/15/2011

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hi just came across ur post
i can tell u i hav experienced the exact situations as u. tantrums that last 2hrs with many risk takin behavias. no1 wil eva undastand unless they hav bin in the situation. every person is different every child is different and how 1 would deal with the situation may not b right 4 u.
all i can say is neva return comments or physical. it winds the mood more. i found tryin 2 restrain doubled the anga when they get up.
i walk away even if bein attacked
i cant write everytin on ere. but im awiliin 2 speak 2 u via email
i hav difficulties cumin 2 term wif diagnosis an explainin 2 family. we sound very similiar.
my daughta is 13 too with a diagnosis of early onset bipolar
i wish u all the best xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Carlie - posted on 09/16/2011

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and YOU are allowing her to make these choices, by leaving it up to her. I understand why. Treating her like an adult? Okay, well, she's basically telling you, without saying it out loud, "I'm the boss, I'm old enough to make my decisions." She's right. She is. But not that way. Sit her down and explain that to her, give her an option to fix it, telling her YOUR idea (signing her in and out/dropping her off and picking her up-like a child), or she can risk being suspended-and if that happens-then you will put your idea into action. That way, you give her ONE last chance to fix her wrong choice(s). You give her RESPONSIBILITY for her actions, which is what she wants. Be firm but be cool Mom. Geez. She doesn't want a lecture. Good luck!!

Carlie - posted on 09/16/2011

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and so....why can you not take her to school? you'd know for sure she was getting there. sign her lil butt in.....and pick her up after school today. if she wants to act like a child, then there has to be consequences. Surely she learned that when she was 3 or 4? help her remember what that was like. but in an adult way of course. :P

Jenny - posted on 09/07/2011

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hi i realy feel for you, am going through a very similier problem my daughter is 13 and has been very spoilt ,she took has temper tantrums will throw herself on the floor ,through things,scream shout bang doors anything to get her point across ...all i what i found was to get a reaction out of me which at first she got ,then i relised i was also fueling her more as she had somebody to argue with ,so i stopped,when she behaves that way she has no reaction i show no emotion on my face say nothing and walk away ..result she stops i wait for her to come and talk to me ,when she is sorry ,sometimes i've walked out of the house gone for a little walk and come bk ,i understand that it is a scary situarion to be in but if she sees that you are frieghted or bk down from punishment that are giving she will do it more tick to what you say no matter how much she kicks off she will soon learn mum is no push over and will not be treated in this way ,call the police if you have to but show her you are her parent yr house and you will not have it no matter what it takes wishing all the luck in the world x

Jennifer - posted on 09/02/2011

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Laurie, did you ever update? how are things now? thinking about you and sending (((hugs)))
Its so easy to say what you "should" do, but so hard when you are going through it. When my 13 did that I kept thinking "this will stop soon right?"

Julianne - posted on 09/02/2011

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Tough love let the police come, it is apparent that she is in control of this relationship. I am saying bluntly that there is a strong passive agressiveness about you as the mother, where you want her to stop but you are not willing to do the things that will help her. I am noticing that she is blaming everyone else for her actions and is not willing to be accountable for it. When she is at school or gone rent a PODS, get some help and move her stuff to the box.HIDE the key. Do the bare minimum. If you want to get real with it. She can't fight with you if she is not there. If she puts her hands on you call the police. They also do the "SCARED STRAIGHT" program, or both of you go to a family counselor, where the conversations are mediated in a calm environment. Maybe this will help her to see the errors of her ways...

Judy - posted on 08/27/2011

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You need to get help for her. Now will be the time. If it is not to late.BUT it is never too late. Maybe talk to a couselor @ school. I know you are a single mom but there is truly help out there. Sometime they have social workers and Psychiatrist that the your state should provide and it works on how much you earn. Another suggestion let her be late again and get suspended and let her deal with the consequences. She is seventeen and needs to take full responsibilty for her actions. Also she sounds like she could start getting violent and you mentioned she is bigger then you. You surely don't want that to happen to you or someone she is in contact with at the time. I will pray for you both and hope everything will work out.

Renee - posted on 08/19/2011

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I know this is very late, but my husband and I have this sick sense of humor...get a squirt bottle and spray her with water like a cat whenever your daughter makes a sound or stomps, LOL! Sorry, that's kind of weird, but hey, it's just water so it's not abuse, right? Another idea is to just drive away, I know she's following you, but you are the mom and she's old enough to stay home alone. I'd drive off until either my husband came home, I picked up a friend to help defuse the situation or had somebody to help me keep my sanity.

My daughter is almost 16 now and we have had those moments where we scream at eachother (not healthy, but I might use my water squirting idea, hmmmm). No tantrums, and the arguments are brief. Our SON, however, flips out and always has. Banging chairs, slamming doors, screaming and stomping. He's 13 now and did that last night. We ignored him and he finally just up and appologised for acting that way! Maybe ignoring will work? Hard to do, but it works on toddlers!

Whatever you choose, don't fall into the trap of arguing with her as if you are her peer! You are in charge in your house! I tell my kids, "This is not a democratic home, it's a dictatorship. You have to do what we say or you pay the consequenses." Hope it turned out ok!

Carlie - posted on 08/16/2011

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By the way, she is just as much to blame as you are-or whoever has shown her it is ok to react in this manner. I URGE you to speak to her like she is an adult. I URGE you to reconsider some of her requests, depending on the situation and what it is. Don't be so quick to say No. Listen FIRST. I URGE you to ALWAYS be honest with her. I have a 4 year old daughter, and if she wants to know why the pool guy has an earring in his nipple, then I tell her. Because if you "gloss things over", then who are you helping? Be honest with her. Don't gloss things over EVER, or lie to her-to protect her. You never have to gloss things over with your children. Some parents think you have to-to spare them-because they are too young, etc. That's horse marlarky. :) You are only trying to control them by protecting them-or suffocating them-as teenagers call it. Our job as parents, is to break it down to their level of understanding. That's excludes suffocation and lying. And I've never understood that one. How is lying to your children, protecting them? :) Oops. Got off track a bit. Sorry.
You obviousely love your daughter. When people are desperate, they turn to other people or things that they never thought they would. Kudos to you, that you aren't afraid to ask for help. But your daughter is. She may say she isn't, but again, ACTIONS speak louder than words.

So, good luck mama!! I hope you two reach some level of understanding. You can do it. Tell yourself that. Right when you think those words, DO IT. :)

Carlie - posted on 08/16/2011

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She's 17? Oh my. Why is she acting this way? Why does she think it's ok, to act this way? That's the million dollar question, eh? Talk to her like she is an adult, even though your post implies she is acting like a toddler. If you shut her out and ignore her, you will accomplish nothing. She's doing this because she wants your attention. Well, she's getting it, right? Stand firm with her. She's desperate as well, if she has to break the bathroom lock to get to you. And I think you SHOULD agree with her, but in a different way. YOU HAVE TO, to make her stop, right? It's the only way, if nothing else is working. Again, you have to agree DIFFERENTLY. Don't tell her that though. Make her the bigger person-for now. You have to get her attention-and you have to get it ASAP. Say something like: "YOU WIN." she will look at you like you are bonkers bananas, and probably say that "you are just saying that to get her to stop yelling." AGREE WITH HER when she says this. Because anything you say AGAINST her, will upset her again. She will probably hesitate after you agree with her, she won't really know what to say then for a second-because you are being honest at that moment. She will probably do some internal deciding at that hesitation. Take that chance. That's when you have to assert yourself. If she asks who has won the arguement, tell her she won-for now. You will need to correct her assumption that it is important to "WIN" an arguement-later in your conversation. Someone has either shown or told her that it is vital that she wins when fighting with someone else. People only do that when they are afraid to admit that they are wrong. They have to control every thought, every emotion, every sentence, every word-and they are NEVER wrong-so they ALWAYS win. Let me tell you-that hurts us, more than it helps us.
You need to listen to her. Listen like you have never listened before. You should apologize to her. I don't know what happened in this arguement, but it takes two to have one. There is something YOU could have done better, just as there is something she apparently could have done as well. You should stand up to her. "She won't let you leave the house." Why? It's YOUR house. YOUR actions have given her freedom to think it is HERS. Again, she thinks it is ok to act this way. You may have told her until you are blue in the face, "that it's not her house, this behaviour won't be tolerated, if she doesn't like it, she can get out"
Well....is that working for you? NO. I'm not a fan of control. She may be your daughter, but she is still a person. So...you should apologize for not respecting her. Ask her what YOU can do to fix this situation. If it's reasonable, do it. If not, ask her if she has an alternative or OFFER one. Do not laugh at her suggestions, or make jokes, or talk behind her back to your spouse. That reeks of disrespect. At the very end of your conversation, apologize again, but like this: "I'm sorry that my actions have led you to act in this way. If you should EVER feel this way again, then please feel free to come talk to me. I recognize that you may get upset again over something else, but I hope that if you do, you will come to me, and we can work it out-just like we have today." Then say: "I want you to know that it's not important who WINS the arguement. No one wins when we argue, and if my actions have shown you that it was, then it was extremely wrong of me. What's MORE important, is listening. Ask her if she agrees. It's imperative that you, as a parent, know for sure-and by asking her, it keeps her involved in the conversation-makes her feel as if her thoughts and opinions are important. And they are. You also don't want to do ALL the talking, because then you risk her eyes glazing over. :) And then she won't be listening, and you will get upset, and then you both will have ROUND 2. She is on the verge of being an adult. She wants to be treated like one. That's it. She feels like no one is listening. She feels disrespected. It appears she is acting this way, because maybe she feels nothing else has worked for her EITHER.

Patricia - posted on 08/16/2011

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i agre cmletely ignore her if that des not work tak everything away except her bed coupboards and clothes and whatever school and toiletries she needs that usually worked for me for a while i id try communication first but tha does not always work

Shannon - posted on 08/10/2011

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completely 100% ignore her. She is 17 and demanding attn like a 2 yr old, deal same as 2 year old, walk away and speak to her calmly with out giving in to her. allow her to speak freely as long as it is in a normal(not sceaming) tone. Good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2011

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@Lesley If he gets hysterical and physically violent at 13, you probably need get him in therapy asap and if he is already in therapy, call his therapist the minute his tantrum starts. If he gets violent the kindest thing you can do might be t ocall the police...I know that sounds harsh...but that will get the ball rolling to get him help and your ex will no longer be able to parent him inapproriately if authorities are involved. I know there are horror stories circulating about calling the police or cps involvement, but my best friend works for cps and believe me, they work HARD to keep families together. Being angry, hurt, stressed ,etc... is normal and ok, being violent is NOT.

Jeanie - posted on 08/02/2011

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This is to Lesley (his name doesn't show on his post for some reason) about his 13 year-old boy who sometimes claims he is too tired to get out of bed and will cry and cry.

I hope... I know you believe he is just taking advantage of a situation, but I hope you will investigate whether there just might be a legitimate physical reason for him to sometimes be so tired that he will cry himself sick.

How is his sleep hygiene? Is he actually going to bed with lights out at the SAME time every night? Does he NOT sleep in until noon on weekends? And how is the quality of his sleep? Here is a post about the importance of sleep http://itsnotmental.blogspot.com/2008/07...

It took YEARS before a new doctor evaluated one of my kids and was astonished she'd never had a sleep study before since she'd had such issues with sleep (she missed a lot of school too).

Next is energy level in general. So many kids with some kind of sleep problem get labelled "lazy."

Then there is the possibility of allergies. That can make a person feel horribly tired and have trouble getting up in the morning.

And thyroid levels, and nutrition (like B vitamins)....

It may be that your son is simply malingering. But I know that even after many doctors had said one of my kids' issues were all in her head, she now, as an adult, still appreciates the fact that even though we could not completely BELIEVE her in the face of all evidence (doctors) saying it wasn't "real", at least we did not DISbelieve her. And it turned out - things were NOT just in her head or "behavioral."

Lesley - posted on 08/01/2011

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My 13 yo son has been living with his mother for the past 12 months with no discipline...I had custody of the kids prior to that as they were taken from her by DHS because of abandonment issues. I went to court to seek full time custody and didn't win even with all the documentation going my way...bad luck for the kids hey!
Since being with their mother there has been no structure at all and I now have my two youngest back with me and have to teach them all over again. I didn't have problems with them when they were first in my custody.
My 13 yo WILL NOT get out of bed to go to school if he's tired and a tantrum ensues to the point that he nearly makes himself sick. I've tried just ignoring him and dressing him (he's small for his age), but he screams, punches and abuses me.
If I let him get away with this he will use it all the time and not go to school. It also adds a depressing atmosphere of frustration over other members in the household.
I've let him just cry it out this time...he behaves like he is 5 y.o. and then he will just waltz out of his bedroom like nothing has happened. I believe I have to begin taking and stopping things he likes to do in an attempt to stop the tantrums. He literally punches me and I just take it and push him back onto his bed and he attacks me again whilst screaming abuse.
His behaviour apart from these morning scenes are fine and thankfully they don't happen everyday, but I've only just got him back in my care and already the behaviour he has brought with him from his mother's is making life very difficult.
I have even tried waking him up in the morning with a hot milo and toast in an attempt to start the day in a nice mood.
Help!!!!!!

Janet - posted on 07/29/2011

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I know this doesn't help right now. But I would suggest taking her to Yoga. Teach her that you will not discuss anything with her until she can learn to calm herself down. Right now her power is that you are afraid of her. Is there a dad in the picture? Just curious if you have adult help. Is there a valid reason why she is getting to class late? If so you need to talk to her teacher. If not then let her get suspended. It wouldn't be the worst thing.

Janet - posted on 07/29/2011

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I know this doesn't help right now. But I would suggest taking her to Yoga. Teach her that you will not discuss anything with her until she can learn to calm herself down. Right now her power is that you are afraid of her. Is there a dad in the picture? Just curious if you have adult help. Is there a valid reason why she is getting to class late? If so you need to talk to her teacher. If not then let her get suspended. It wouldn't be the worst thing.

Sheila - posted on 06/27/2011

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When my daughter use to have tantrums I would imitate her, I would have the same tantrum that she was having to mirror how silly she looked and sounded. I promise you she stopped, I think she saw how silly she looked and felt embarrassed.

Julie - posted on 06/21/2011

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Dear Laurie your having the same problem my best friend had with her daughter she tried everything without result I told her what I'm telling you its time for tough love. I'm not sure what country your in you almost answered it yourself call your local Police station and have a word with them and they will come and give her a few home truths one of which at the age of 17 in the UK you can ask her to leave she is also anserable to the law so if she causes a disturbance it will be her that gets into trouble This maybe difficult for you however its time for her to realise you can't do the things she is doing without consequences if your in the UK you can get me on my mobile 07854373780 if you need to chat I have two daughters now mums themself and I have had lots of foster children I will be hooured to try and help you through this difficult stage of your childs growing up.
with love and light Julie

Victoria - posted on 06/20/2011

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My sister gets walked over as well, and because I am on outsider to the situation, I can tell where she goes wrong. She never follows through on ANYTHING. Its all about empty threats. If you can't physically keep her off of the computer, lock it and don't give her the password. Or unplug it and put it away. And just let her scream! I know it isn't the most pleasant option, but if she doesn't act like this with her father, send her to live with him. It may be admitting defeat, but you have to do what is best for her. My sister did the same thing with her son, because he didn't respect her at all by the age of 17, but was afraid of his father. He would even say that he hated his father. Now that he has moved in with him, he is doing so much better. I wish you the best of luck.

Jennifer - posted on 06/20/2011

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call the police. Find a therapist. She is running out of time to realize that tantrums are not the way to solve problems If she were anywhere else but home and carried on that way the police would be called - she needs some anger management skills. My son did this and therapy REALLY helped.

Carmen - posted on 05/20/2011

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The truth is Laurie, I have an 18 year old son, 17 year old daughter and an 8 year son and my advise is that she needs to be seen by a specialist. If that doesn't work the next time she has one of her tantrums you need to call the police and show her you are not putting up with her behavior any more and place her in a crises center to have her evaluated and have the professionals find out what is wrong with her. Had she been my daughter it would have been taken care of when it first started and I would not have allowed it to go this far. I would not live in my house with my child if I was in any fear of them. it hurts to lock your child up but it hurts more when you child has control of you the parent. We parents don't ever want any harm for our children and always want the best for them but in today world we give our children so much and it gets to a point when they want something that we can't give them and they start acting out. Most of them do it for attention but a lot of them do it because them have a problem and we as parents don't always want to see it that way. Good luck with your daughter because they don't really start to mature till there mid 20s'. Keep in touch and let me know how it goes.

Carmen - posted on 05/20/2011

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The truth is Laurie, I have an 18 year old son, 17 year old daughter and an 8 year son and my advise is that she needs to be seen by a specialist. If that doesn't work the next time she has one of her tantrums you need to call the police and show her you are not putting up with her behavior any more and place her in a crises center to have her evaluated and have the professionals find out what is wrong with her. Had she been my daughter it would have been taken care of when it first started and I would not have allowed it to go this far. I would not live in my house with my child if I was in any fear of them. it hurts to lock your child up but it hurts more when you child has control of you the parent. We parents don't ever want any harm for our children and always want the best for them but in today world we give our children so much and it gets to a point when they want something that we can't give them and they start acting out. Most of them do it for attention but a lot of them do it because them have a problem and we as parents don't always want to see it that way. Good luck with your daughter because they don't really start to mature till there mid 20s'. Keep in touch and let me know how it goes.

Tania - posted on 05/19/2011

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I live in Canada too....My oldest son is 14 and has some anger issues and anxiety. I know it takes quite a while to see a professional.
Here is what I did. Look on line at you local mental health hospital. They usually have youth research studies. Call and speak to the coordinator and they will interview you and your daughter to see if sho qualifies for the study.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Gwen - posted on 05/19/2011

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hi ; i got 4 daughters ; bin tho it all ; just ignore her ; if she gets no responce from u ; she will calm down ;dont play her game ; dont get upset ; it a passing faze ; leave her 2 it ; but always hav ya own house rules ; your her mum ; n she will need u ;; calm ;

Jody - posted on 05/19/2011

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You need to put your foot down, and tell her that if this continues that you will have her either committed to a phych ward, or she will need to find another place to live. Because you will not put up with her abuse any longer. You need to take contol of the situation now! She behaves this way becasue in the past you have inabled it. You may have been afraid to upset her. Afraid of what she might think of you. This is an unhealthy relationship. Go to her room and ask her sit and calm down. To talk to you. Tell her the ground rules and stick to them. Good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 05/19/2011

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Its a youth or juvenile detention home. If ur county has a jobs and family services they could give you more info. Or maybe even ur police station would have info on a place like that. Good luck sometimes tough love is the best love.

Roseanne - posted on 05/19/2011

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I used to be the same way, I'm ashamed to say. Even to this day, I have to take a deep breath and just kinda meditate for a few seconds before I speak in certain situations. Although I am ashamed of the way I treated my mother, I see how she is with my daughter, and her tolerance for disrespect, and I realize how this happened with me. I actually get mad at her (although I totally speak to her with respect now. We are very close, and I feel horrible about how awful I was to her back in the day) and ask her not to allow my daughter to speak to her in that way. I give her (my daughter) time outs (she's only 7) when I hear it, but how often does it happen when I'm not around? I was a hellacious teenager, just like your daughter, and a firmer hand from my mother would have definitely helped curb that, in my opinion. If she ever called the cops on me, I probably would have pooped myself from shock and would have learned to calm down a little before I spoke to her again, to say the least. And as for just leaving your house during this huge anger explosion, I don't think that would have been the best option. If that were a scenario with myself and my mom long ago, I probably would have taken a while to calm down and trashed the house or something. I didn't learn the value of respect and money, and I didn't see how irrational and ridiculous my behavior was until I moved out on my own when I was 18. Sometimes becoming an adult just slaps you right in the face, and you're forced to adjust or fail in life. In time, everything will be well. I have faith ;) She'll love and appreciate you once she really sees how much you do for her, which is usually when they leave the nest.

Jennifer - posted on 05/19/2011

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Wow. Thirteen yr old who u took away everything! I have a neighbor just like that and she paid a visit to DH with an over night stay and told her they would be checking on her from time to time if her attitude didn't change she would go for a month. I have seen a c hange but she still have outbursts from time to time. I also believe its an attention thing. DH detention home for misbehaved teens it should be in your county. And the girls in there r way worse she hated it!!

Kathy - posted on 05/19/2011

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Tell her you don't feel safe with her behavior and get out of the house. Drive away. Or call the police.

Roseanne - posted on 05/19/2011

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Maybe you should have called the police yourself. That would have shut her up.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/18/2011

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wow grl i swear you were writting about my daughter and shes 13 and if she believes shes being untreated at school she dont care who they are she will tell them off and once took 7 staff members to get to the office she wont clean her room i turned her cell off and took comp. away also dad took her makeup n hair straightner away and dont seem like that works still

Lori - posted on 05/18/2011

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One thing to remember is that people only treat you how you ALLOW them to. A parent who is afraid to put their foot down will get their toes stepped on

Jessica - posted on 05/18/2011

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I can honestly say that I threw "teenage tantrums" but mine were not unprovoked. I was being emotionally. physically, medically, mentally and sexually abused. It was being ignored at school and then when that didn't set me off, My grandmother bad talked MY mom (who has been dead since I was eight).
I see a lot of "control" stuff being posted or the "understanding" stuff... why not try both? For all I know you could be doing what my grandmother did and just wanting attention. Maybe, and maybe not. Regardless. OBVIOUSLY you feel comfortable enough in her behavior to post this without fear. I believe that when a child misbehaves, then the parent needs to not only change HOW they discipline but HOW THEY BEHAVE. I have cared for children since I myself was one. My two boys are still small, but the benefit of being a "young mother" is that I remember this stuff and how it effected me. She is seventeen. Almost an adult. Call the cops. If you don't wanna BE walked on then DON'T BE walked on. It isn't her fault you LET her walk on you. Each of us is responsible for our own actions. YOU are responsible for yours and she for HERS. Would you rather she go to jail NOW or later? Later it might be for more. NOW she might learn and not be in for years. You know something though... The truth is the truth. It sounds like your kid has what is called "personality disorder". I do not actually believe this label should exist. Basically. Her feelings are not, were not, and have not been validated and so she "fights" for that validation and it gets kinda narcissistic at times. It only gets kinda (iffy) better when they are validated. Sounds like all she wants is for you to agree that it is unfair. It IS unfair. Suspending a child for being late in today's society where it is not socially excepted to like school and "playing hooky" is smiled on.... bad. Add they fact that punishing missed time with missed time doesn't work and is psychologically almost impossible to comprehend on a healthy level, and I honestly don't see what your deal is. My 15 month old knows better than to yell at mommy (though sometimes he does anyway, and promptly meets time out). My fifteen month old knows to respect mommy. Yours past fifteen YEARS without knowing this? Well. I am sorry to say, that the parent is reflected in the child. I pity your child for whatever made her this way.

Jennifer - posted on 05/18/2011

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oh yes stay calm, I'm not saying approach her w/violence. But enough is enough. She needs help and so do you!! You are the parent. U say she doesn't act that way around her father, that's because she fears him or respects him. Either way its the right way!! Ur children nned to know they can not disrespect you it states that in the Bible we fear God and the same applies to our children!! Am I a push over Absolutly.. do I let my children disobey and disrespect me..Absoluty Not!! Do they act like animals sometimes in the store sure who doesn't, do I spank them NO!! I say until ur beh aivor changes you won't be shopping with me for awhile. Its not a fix after some time it happens again, and the foot goes down!!

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Speak calmly and you must walk away. If she chooses to continue being hostile and unreasonable you may need to make a mental health arrest which is when someone is doing something that it endangering you or themselves. This means you call 911 literally and she would undergo a mental health eval. IF this doesn't scare her then it is possible she really NEEDS a psych eval. Especially if this is not the first time this has happened. The most important part is to stay calm or the cycle of conflict will escalate. I hope you are okay... since this post was several days ago.

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I had a daughter like that ring some one to come over the next step is some one gets hurt well definately the next time it happens as once she gets away with it it only gets worse. The other alternative is to storm out with a false sheer anger and scare the living crap out of her, my daughter ended up beating on me and then I had to defend myself the best way I new and when she went to run away I tackled her and sat on her she could not move she screamed until she stopped and I made her go to bed. She needs to know that you are still the parent and for the time she is in your house that that is the way she should treat you. Good luck I didn't do it early enough. Get some other adivse about anger management for her. My daughter has hadsome but not enough and is still having spac outs even with her two year old see what he has to learn from.

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With all due respect, escalating the physical violence is not approriate and will do nothing but further the divide between you and this almost adult. My parents tried to parent with authoritarian control ("my way or the highway") and it failed miserably! All of kids ended up estranged from each other and both our parents...yelling and fighting can cause a lifetime of hurt so I do not encourage you to take this route with her...reaffirm what you do love about her and tell her, praise the positive things and let her know you believe in her and will stand with her in life...you can also let her know that you will not support negative behavior but that you love her very much and expect the very best from her because you know she is a great person....everyone wants to hear these words, especially our daughters...what you would want to hear...tell her...the golden rule always applies...I encourage you to try this approach...what have you got to lose...the other power plays have done nothing to heal your relationship with her and draw you close...and don't forget to pray...you need God's help with this one;)

Jennifer - posted on 05/18/2011

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Throw water in her face and say that's it!! It stops now!! If ur late again ur suspended and from now until whenever ur grounded!! No nothing!!

Roberta - posted on 05/18/2011

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Your daughter is right out of control. I don't know if this is her normal behaviour when she doesn't get her own way, but she needs counseling as well as you to assist you with her behaviour. I would have called the cops myself if you could get to a phone. Sometimes we have to use tough love and this would be the time. What she needs to understand is that people have the right to different opinions and it isn't about winning or losing. My kids are in their 20's and I often have to point this out to them when they get in an arguement. By not phoning the police yourself, you are not doing this girl a favour. They would have taken her out of the situation and let her cool off in jail!!! She would have seen as well that this behaviour is not acceptable to you. Then I would have told her she isn't coming home unless she agrees to some counseling. You are letting her win!!! You are her mom as well and as her mom and as the person who she lives with and who has taken care of her, it is your right to set rules: even if she doesn't like them. If she doesn't then she can leave!!! I know this is a real tough one, but sometimes in order to bring peace to our own lives and make a stand we need to make tough choices. It may be the only way your daughter understands that she needs to learn respect for her parents. I would have also said at the time to "Grow up". Your are behaving like a two year old, so I just might start treating you like one. Good luck. I am afraid for your safety as well. No daughter or son, would keep me from leaving my house. I would have made a run for it!! Then phoned the police!

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Dear Laurie,

Your relationship reminds me of the relationship I had with my mother so I can relate although it is a kind of reverse scenario. My best advice to you is to get alone with the Lord...allow God to search your heart and take out anything in you that may be making the relationship hard for her and ask Him for wisdom in regards to your daughter. This will greatly please the Lord and He will begin to show you the best way to deal with these situations when they come up. The power struggles are a no-win situation so I encourage you to model humility before your daughter...tell her the areas where you have failed but also let her know that you love her and because you love her these fights cannot continue....that you are willing to learn and grow in your relationship with her but you are not willing to be abused. Do not believe the lies that girls are just "high drama" or harder to raise...she is a gift from God no matter how she is behaving right now. Please try to see past her pain to her deep need for healing and that her actions are a result of her unsettled heart. I do not excuse her behavior but often family dynamics in general are because of more than one person...these tantrums are her way of coping with her pain. Pray for God to soften her heart and that He will do what you cannot...heal her of her rebellion and pain. As you walk close with God, I believe you will see Him bring great changes to you and your daughter. I have seen God do many family miracles! When we allow the Holy Spirit to change us, it is a natural outcome that those around us will be changed too. Have patience and know that God's timing is not our own...trust that He is working in her even when it does not look that way. Have the eyes of faith and you will see that He is faithful to lead our children to Him when we put our trust in His goodness. Love and respect your daughter despite her bad behavior; this does not mean you respect her choices, only that you love her despite them. Contemplate all that God has done for you and how much He loves all His children, even those who reject His love. Pray, pray, pray...and obey Christ in all you do and say in your home...seek peace and pursue it...God is faithful and will help you love her and also stand your ground without entering into power struggles. I pray God does for you what He is best at...saving, delivering and healing us and those around us. Love in Him, S.C.

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Being a 'good' teen is all well and good but these kinds of tantrums show her to have no frustration tolerance, be compulsive about control, and be abusive with others. She definitely needs counseling and she needs to learn boundaries about her behavior. Set a boundary with her that if she ever does this again you will call the police to enforce your disciplinary actions. When they outgrow thier parent's boundaries, it is time to deal with the law of the country. The bus situation is unfortunate, but in life you have to deal with the consequences whether they were in your control or not. If a school or a job has policies about being tardy, they can't randomly enforce them. She needs to take the consequences if they do not agree to allow another chance.

Candace - posted on 05/18/2011

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First of all, you can leave the house! You are the adult here and I get the impression that you are not sure about that! If you leave, the tantrum will stop because tantrums are all about attention! Another thing, DO NOT GIVE IN! You and you daughter are in a battle of wills and you must keep your authority and show her that tantrums will not work. After this blows over, YOU MUST enroll in a good parenting class, because your daughter's behavior started a long time ago. You have not given much background, but I get the impression that you may have been too permissive in your child-rearing. Let me tell you that permissive parenting is the most damaging to a child..even more than authoritarian parenting. Get some education on parenting so you can send your daughter out into the world a happier person.
From a Mom of four with a degree in early childhood studies with a concentration in early intervention.

Alicia - posted on 05/18/2011

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tell her your going to send her to military school. Believe me i was the same way. But my parents also said if i didn't stop my aunt who worked at a military school would take care of me so yeah i was screwed. But if you can't control her then truthfully i'd go for military school

Tamera - posted on 05/18/2011

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I don't always think its a good idea to have a school in your family's private business. Sometimes when you open that door, you get more than you bargained for and later regret it.

Zee's - posted on 05/18/2011

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Answering further down... and I know this is 4 days old, but...

Yes, A teacher CAN do that. In fact, chronic lateness can get her - and you - in trouble with Truancy. (My sister had to go to court because her daughter would purposely miss the school bus in 6th grade and was chronically late. Not horrid late - a minute or two... tops. And they hauled my sister into court for it. So yes. A teacher can do that. And if she thinks the teacher is mean, wait until she gets a job. She won't get 'suspended'... she'll get FIRED.

As for the tantrum part - call the cops next time and have her hauled to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. That's over the top and shows a serious lack of self-control.

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