How do you tolerate a daughter who is 18, insulent, lazy and has no ambition to work? Help

User - posted on 11/05/2010

How do you tolerate a mom who

a) cant spell insolent right
and
b) is actually thinking about kicking her daughter out of the house...

Adolescence is a difficult stage...
Your daughter needs guidance...
Kicking her out will do you no good...
She won't start working just because you told her to...
You can bet she will rebel...

Ginni - posted on 01/15/2010

I do not agree with kicking her out.. Especially if she has no job and no money to get a place of her own.. However, I would sit her down and be very honest. Use a time line. She has X amount of time to get a job and start paying rent to you or get her own place. If she chooses to rent from you then she also helps with the housework, cooking, laundry etc..(This includes the toilets). If she flat out refuses then it is time for her to go.

Senita - posted on 01/14/2010

i have the same problem. i dont give my son any pocket money cause he wont even help me clean the house. when on holidays he treats me like i am his slave. my son has a job oportunity and he gets paid when he works but at the moment he cant be bothered so he has no pocket money at all so whenhis friends invite him out to the movies or something he is broke

Cathy - posted on 01/14/2010

I was once told by a very loving Mother that Tough Love is the hardest love in the world. I experienced a very difficult time with my son. Never knowing when I would be called and told he was dead. I had to let him go out on his own. Not his choice but ours. He was raised in a good home, he knew our values, but was choosing his own way. We were enabling him by letting him get away with it. He was destroying my husband and myself. Give her ultimatums, a time line and hold to them. It is hard and my heart aches for you. Good luck

Antoinette - posted on 01/14/2010

put her out

Cassidy - posted on 01/14/2010

my parents have been going through this for years. they have realized now that they did TOO much for us and it's been really hard for them to change. I wish they had figured it out sooner when my sister was 18. Now she is 22 and living at home. She has battled addictions with crack,coke,meth; she has gotten quite a few STDs; got pregnant 3 times this year and miscarried each time; stole money;gone through jobs; totaled her car drunk and left the scene; and many other late night dramas. And she still thinks drinking is fine. It was not this bad when she was 18. My parents are good strong christian leaders, they are not niave and my mom is a therapist. We have gone through SO much heartache. Please, nip this in the bud and learn to let go before she progresses further down to a destructive path. I am 25 with my own family now and I will tell you I wish they had told me NO more often and made me do things the hard, but RIGHT way.

Lauri - posted on 01/14/2010

COLLEGE, COLLEGE.COLLEGE!!!!!!!! should have been trained from day one..........................

Theresa - posted on 01/14/2010

At 18 you are no longer legally responsible for her. Sit down with her, discuss the rules you expect her to live by if she's to live in your house. Let her know they are non-negotiable. Tell her if she chooses not to follow she can feel free to leave. If she doesn't leave and continues to not follow the rules change your locks and lock her out. Not easy, but sometimes tough love is the best.

Jill - posted on 01/14/2010

It is really hard, I know, but she is 18.

Tell her you love her, and that it is time for her to move out and make it on her own.

If she stays, you are just enabling her.

Good Luck!

Teri - posted on 01/14/2010

You don't tolerate it, make it worse for her than you, do not give anything to her, she is an adult. stop giving her money to do things.

Jess - posted on 01/14/2010

I could never imagine kicking my daughter out of the house. She will always be your daughter and I don't think you should do anything that will push her away. It wasn't that long ago that I was 18, unemployeed and living off my parents. I called it my "gap year". Its a very common thing to do. I lived in a small town and there just wasn't any jobs.



Its not the best economic climate to be looking for work right now either. In my case when I couldn't get a job after a few months my confiedence was really down and then it became a personal battle.



Perhaps there is more going on with your daughter than you realise. I think instead of getting hostile with her, try the loving approach, ask her whats going on and offer her the emotional support she needs. Its a new year so set some goals with her.



Im now 22 and have a wonderful job, a great work ethic and I take care of myself along with my partner and our daughter !



Its a phase it will pass as she matures, gets some confidence and works out what she wants from life ! She is still very young she has her whole life to get it together. She won't fully appreciate you as her mother until she has her own children.

Jess - posted on 01/14/2010

I could never imagine kicking my daughter out of the house. She will always be your daughter and I don't think you should do anything that will push her away. It wasn't that long ago that I was 18, unemployeed and living off my parents. I called it my "gap year". Its a very common thing to do. I lived in a small town and there just wasn't any jobs.



Its not the best economic climate to be looking for work right now either. In my case when I couldn't get a job after a few months my confiedence was really down and then it became a personal battle.



Perhaps there is more going on with your daughter than you realise. I think instead of getting hostile with her, try the loving approach, ask her whats going on and offer her the emotional support she needs. Its a new year so set some goals with her.



Im now 22 and have a wonderful job, a great work ethic and I take care of myself along with my partner and our daughter !



Its a phase it will pass as she matures, gets some confidence and works out what she wants from life ! She is still very young she has her whole life to get it together. She won't fully appreciate you as her mother until she has her own children.

Crystal - posted on 01/14/2010

I had an 18 year old and he was never like that we had tough love and at 18 he went to travel the world working on the railroad and now at 19 almost 20 he has joined the Army and I am so proud of him. Eventually they all grow up and thank you for the things you didn't do for them that made them who they are. But girls are so much different then boys I have a 17 year old girl and sometimes she is a holy tyrant!!! But stick to your guns and she will come around guarnteed!!! Good luck!!

Melissa - posted on 01/14/2010

Kick her out within 60 days if she doesn't find a job.

Cecilia - posted on 01/14/2010

you can give her jobs to do but I promise you she will not do them. Been there done that.
Even gave ours a job with our business we had and paid her she still screwed around. the
thing is the daughter is taking advantage of her parents and yes they love her very much but have to be careful not to a fault. Some of them nothing works like with my one daughter. She does everything to hurt others and take advantage and thinks everything is being done to her. its a mental disorder but the rest of us don't need to suffer with a 30+ FAMILY MEMBER that only cares about herself. Her daughter is much younger and may come around and not be like this. I hope so. Maybe a long heartfelt talk with her and explain the rules of the house and stick by them. A woman from DCF told us when our daughter was still a teen to fix her a bed in the garage and make her stay out there we just could not do it . We went for the sugary love her at all costs and it backfired. I don't think there is any one good for all solution each child is unique and you have to see what will work for yours. I hope you have success. Talking to her and trying to find out what is in her heart if she will talk may be the key. It seems to me she is angry about something she is not sharing. Hope this helps and good therapist is a very good idea.

Sharon - posted on 01/13/2010

I know exactly what you are going thru. I had to finally tell her she needed to go and make her own home somewhere else if she could not respect ours.

Ronda - posted on 01/13/2010

Don't enable her. Don't give her any money, don't do her laundry or clean up her room. Don't let her use the car or pay for her cell phone or car insurance. She will get tired of it if you stick to it.

Sarah - posted on 01/13/2010

well that is quite simple, KICK HER ASS OUT THE DOOR AND LET HER BECOME AN ADULT!!! we all have to let go at some point and god knows she is old enough.

Sarah - posted on 01/13/2010

well that is quite simple, KICK HER ASS OUT THE DOOR AND LET HER BECOME AN ADULT!!! we all have to let go at some point and god knows she is old enough.

Elaine - posted on 01/13/2010

first, if you are providing any car, insurance, cell phone, laundry services, maid service, chef service...etc.... please inform her that on a specific date (within 10 days) these will no longer be provided. this will be VERY HARD, but stick to your guns! you may suggest to her a bus route in the community or even give her brochures. my heart goes out to you, but you can do this. no telephone priv. either unless inquiring about a JOB! you don't deserve to be treated this way, but YOU are the only one who really needs to know this! you don't have to convince her...just yourself...and things WILL be different for you. God Bless you and your efforts!

Janet - posted on 01/13/2010

When I turned 18 (back in 1984) on the DAY I had to start paying rent, insurance etc.. I still lived at home cause I was going to college, but was taught that NOTHING is for free. You want it, you have to be responsible and pay for it!!!! This is not welfare, so get off your butt and get moving.

Lynn - posted on 01/13/2010

Though love!! Stop doing things for her,put your feet down.Tell her go to work or school or you will no longer pay for her . Your rules or out she will be mad but in the end she will thank you.

Erin - posted on 01/13/2010

Hi, my sympathies. I agree on the tough thing... but I don't know that you have to go all out straight off. Perhaps take her to volunteer with people who are really doing it tough. Send her away with a group as a helper or something if you can??? Perhaps seeing how hard people who don't have her fabulous mother do things???

Karen - posted on 01/13/2010

she needs tough love!she can't depend on you don't give her the option!tell you try to find a job or another roof to stay under!or she will take u down with her!mother's advise

Sharon - posted on 01/13/2010

Hi Kerri,

By financially supporting your daughter and giving her a roof over her head, whilst she sits at home and does nothing, you are enabling her to continue this action. I would suggest that you give her an ultimatum. Either she return to study or get a job within a perscribed period of time (perhaps two weeks or a month) and change her attitude or she will be given her marching papers. If you decide to do this it is most important that you don't back down and give in to her and allow her to stay. She will think she has you right where she wants you.

Stephanie - posted on 01/12/2010

I have witness from friends and family what you are going thru, And all I use to say was it could not be me.. I have two children a daughter 25 and a son 22 both of whom I put out at 18. I was a single mom who also was the father as well, but that's another issue. I worked everyday and made sure my kids wanted for nothing. all I asked of them was to go to school get an education, stay out of trouble and away from the wrong crowd, keep their rooms clean and cleanup after themselves..as the years rolled by I would remind them that this gravy boat that they where riding on would one day come to and end that when they graduated high school in order to remain in my house they would have to get a job to help take care of themselves..because I do not believe in taking care of adults.as for my daughter she had one extra requirement that I had constantly drilled in her head since she was 12yrs old. I also do not take care of other peoples children either. but kids being kids and thinking you are talking out tha side of your neck and they know it all they both tried me.My daughter needless to say got pregnant after graduation and 2months after her 19th birthday. I stuck too my guns and put her out.. Yes b4 the baby was born. my son thought he was out of harms way because he was not a girl. but a year after he graduated he still did not have a job. yes he to was put out. along with my tough love method I also explained that my door was not a revolving door that once you where on the other side that's where you would remain..My daughter thought I was joking she soon found out that I was a woman of my word.. Yes it hurt like hell and as I sit here and write this the thought still hurts of what I had to do.. but guess what???? I am on her computer at her home watching her son why she is at work, The pay off.. she grew up by force.from a strong willed mom I was determined that if she was going to be a singled mom with a house full of children b4 she was 25 it would be with no help from me... She just has the one child and a good job and she goes to school full time... For that I will help..Now on to my son.. 2 wks to tha day after I put him out he not only had one job but two and a place to stay, He also goes to school all with no help from me. I think sometimes what if I had let them call the shots where would they be rite now in there life. I am very proud of both of them and myself as well for not being weak or afraid to give tough love. Now I can go over to there homes and mess up and leave without cleaning up....LOL

Amber Lynne - posted on 01/12/2010

make her aware of your house rules, expectations that come along with being an adult living your house, and let her know that now that she is an adult-she can either abide by your rules & expectations, or she can find another place to live. Tolerating laziness in an adult child, and allowing them to do it in your home if certainly not helping it out any. She needs to know that she either has to buck up and be responsible, or she can find out just how tough this world can be. Sometimes tough love is the best medicine.

Gaye - posted on 01/12/2010

i think the idea of kicking her out is great, HOWEVER I would suggest taking her to real estate agents to get rental applications so she will know how much to pay in rent, go to an appliance rental place and do the same, sit down with her and say that if she wants to live under your roof she pays her bills as she would if she was on her own. If she is not open to this , take her to the salvation army refuge centre to show her where she will live unless she gets her shit together and gets a job to pay for her lifestyle.

I left home when i was 18, got an apprenticeship and lived on $200 pw (paying for rent, phone, petrol,power etc) admittedly i lived on a lot of 2 minute noodles at the start but it can be done. With all the government assistance out there for school leavers she should get on with her life and so should you!

Lisa - posted on 01/12/2010

The key to your answer is in your question. Why are you tolerating someone in your life who is making you miserable? I understand your situation, it's easy for all these people to tell you to throw her out, but that's not easy to do. But, what you can do is take a look at what you are doing for her that you can stop. If she doesn't have a job then you give her one. Make her a list of responsibilities she is required to do around the house. Dishes, laundry, cook dinner. There are many things she can do to eliminate stress on you. But you have to decide what you are willing to do or not do or take away if she doesn't follow the guidelines you set. She's only doing what you are allowing her to get away with. Good Luck!!

Cecilia - posted on 01/12/2010

the therapists would tell you that enabling her and they are correct. If you allow her to continue she will. My husband never would listen so my daughter is 31 and still has major issues, he is deceased and I will not put up with her.

Ruth - posted on 01/12/2010

Hi Geralyn,

I totally agree with everything you are saying. I don't think you are naive at all. Parents should try and remember their adult teenagers when they were helpless babies that they absolutely adored. Kindness is so much better than rejection disguised as " tough love".

Cecilia - posted on 01/12/2010

kick her out of the house

Chela - posted on 01/12/2010

No matter how much you taught your daughter prior to her 18th birthday (discipline, habits, chores, etc.). There's got to be a reason for her to be the way she is. You dont need the guilt of having put her out to face reality because she is of age, talk to a counselor - set her up to go to a counselor if you can and he/she can hopefully help you get to the reason for her behavior. Consider this your last attempt at helping your daughter face with the fact that its time to grow up and you are doing it in a positive way.



Im a mother of 3 girls (two are over 18), I can completely relate with your situation. Perhaps your daughter is insecure and really needs help and guidance in order to be out in the world and she will thank you for your guidance and support when she realizes you are helping her. But, if your help and support dont help her to change, you will have at least given it your all and then try the tough love method because it is your last resort. Best of luck to you both!

Juanita - posted on 01/12/2010

I feel for you Kerri, my son is 17, he is only lazy with attitude around the house but around anyone else he is an angel. I am fortunate that he does work full time and makes it to work every day. We have kicked him out previously but I found that didn't work and I would not do it again as that was too easy for him and would not learn the lesson we were trying to send to him. We are still putting up with the laziness (in little bits) and the attitude but I think that just comes with the immaturity of a teenager who think they know everything right now. (little do they know!)

I say stick to your guns, take your a daughter for a drive to TAFE as an option if she is not interested in working,or take her to the job agencies and sit down with her to help her write her resume up and apply for all the jobs in the papers etc. You must get her motivated in case it is just self confidence that she needs. As parents we must still have faith in our children and guide them through the tough times.Good luck

Janice - posted on 01/12/2010

Insulent is is inexcusable as is being lazy. Its easy to say just kick her out into the real world but I agree with everyone else. Give her time frame, your expectations and don't enable her. She can choose to leave too.

Drucilla - posted on 01/12/2010

I had a son that was that way. There is hope, I am happy to say he is now a father and doing wonderful. You do have to put your foot down she doesn't work she doesn't get anything but the basics. Give her a time frame to find a job. Tell her if she doesn't she will have to move out. Be prepared because it is very difficult to do.

Nadine - posted on 01/12/2010

I have four adult children. My oldes, 43, was very rebelious and beligerant as a teen ager. My mother babied him, enabled him, made excuses for him. He is still struggling with life today. I asked, numerous times, for her to back off but was told she loved him to much to see him suffer. Mom passed away two and a half years ago and continued to watch her grandson struggle right up to her end. And I am still watching it today. Had Mom backed off, allowed him to face hardship and heart ache, I truely believe he would have had a better chance of growing up and maturing. If your daughter is no longer in school you need to insist she leave your home. Tell her nothing in your home is available to her as long as she continues to treat you with disrespect. This means food, money, laundry facilities, a place to eat. This is extremely harsh. But it's much harsher to have to watch as she may continue to not only throw her life away but be misserable because of it.

Michelle - posted on 01/12/2010

The best thing my mom did for me was kick me out! Never went back. We still talk, but I make my own choices now not her. But that is something you will have to deal with is letting her make her own mistakes. You can't be choosy about letting her leave and then criticize ad nauseum if you think she's being dumb.

Jennifer - posted on 01/12/2010

tough love. You cannot enable her to continue down this path and not be productive. If you make her move out, she will have to be responsible to survive and she will be a better person for it later.

Sandi - posted on 01/12/2010

Tough love. I have a 19 year old boy that was that way too. I sent him packing to his cousins on a grey hound bus. He was gone 4 monnths. All he did here was play vidio games, sit at the computer and hang out with his friends, eat & sleep half the day away. He found out how good he had it here. He went without a computer, money or a vehicle. He had to suffer a little which was a good lesson. His cousin couldnt afford to keep him any longer especially since he couldnt find work, so I let him come back for one last chance. He has to follow all our rules just like our other two teenagers now and has to be in bed at a certian time, out looking for work and doed house hold chores etc. He is doing better so far and I hope he really learned his lesson.

Dorothy - posted on 01/12/2010

un fortunetly my baby brother still lives with my parents he just turned34 years old he thinks that my parents brought him into this world he dident ask them to so they have to take care of him till he dies thats his thought on that, my son is going to be 18 years old next month he has a job 15.00 hr he moved out and pays rent buys his own food exc...but i told him i would help him if he needed it for the first year,he agreed and only had to ask for help 1-X to buy food no problem i took him shopping that same day after he got off work 100.00 is what we put aside to help himwith the moving out thing any way my son put 50.00 of his own money twards thatso it was a good thing. but if the girl dont want to help then by allmeans help her to move out help her find a job and if possible an apartment she can aford but make shure you tell her that you can nolonger support her.but you will be there for her if she realy needs help for the first few months

Tania - posted on 01/12/2010

By making her get off her lazy butt and do things for herself. Don't pander to her.The more you do for her the lazier she will become.

Ries - posted on 01/12/2010

I think Melissa S, and Geralyn have it right. 18 year olds dont just suddenly turn out this way... you've just noticed! start small and firm until she knows your serious or it will be a lifelong issue between you. you have raised her this far, and Dr Phil might say you get what you worked for.. maybe just time for some catchup. it will be difficult and there will be tantrums, probably what you have avoided in the past... OR it may be a case of depression. My nearly 20year old son was the PERFECT teen until 18.5 yearsof age... he started his rebellious, the world owes me a favour behaviour then. I think becuase I went thro a divorce at 13-14 years and he had to be the big boy then and not rock the boat. it has to come sometime... it must be really hard to be 'a kid' at 17 and then adult at 18... it's not really that simple! and I'm a BIG tough-love mumma, just ask my kids! My son is doing great now... working in a factory, and studying nanotechnology at uni... he just needed some reminders about responsibility and accountability. so to give your daughter and your ego the benefit of the doubt.. maybe she just needs to see a GP, get checked for depression, find a purpose in life that brings her joy. She will get this with your support, and encouragement, and setting goals WITH consequences. When she gets your respect from her own obedience, she may see some in herself... and you will be building character for a lifetime.. it's SOOOO not too late! Good luck

Elodia - posted on 01/12/2010

Have you had her evaluated for possible depression or other illness such as thyroid or diabetes? She may not feel well but lacks skill to express herself. Remember how you felt at 18 it is a scary age filled with all sorts of hormonal imbalances.

Leanne - posted on 01/12/2010

I have 1 question- Is she still in High School- now a days; Well they are 18 and in High School Still! Senior-itis! Make your decisions with a clear mind, not when you are PO'd-if she is in school, look at grades, effort, colleges, ACT/SAT, this is a tough horrible year for kids this age. If not in school, and all the above have fallen through, reinforce your family's "house rules" and she will have to step up or leave. Not sure which state you live in, but 30 days notice in writing signatures (you, dad, difficult kid) preferably notarized as the final statement.
Then she may get the idea-
Are you in the boat alone or married with support-If married tell hubby to step up-if alone get it notarized-kids these days can turn around and sue you and strap you down-
Again with a clear head, and calmness-
move on from there...Good Luck! Let me know how things work out!
(I am hoping it was just a really bad day!)

Geralyn - posted on 01/12/2010

I hear what everyone is saying, but I look at my 21-month old, and I cannot imagine a day that I would slam the door in his face and lock it. I think that it is more complicated than "bye bye baby" for the daughter and the mom. I respect the opinions of all of you, but I am siding with the gentler tough love approach. Granted I am not supporting the "lazy" daughter who does nothing, but I think too she could be overwhelmed, feeling directionless, and maybe a bit depressed? Like some of the moms had said.... A situation is not created overnight, and I am not sure the solution is a set period to get herself together or hit the road. Lacking motivation can appear as laziness, but it could also be fear, fear of the unknown of what's ahead, or feeling directionless, which can affect self esteem and being depressed....



I always knew what direction I was going - going immediately to college after finishing high school, and going to grad school after finishing college... My parents drilled into us college from when we were little, education being a big thing in our family. I knew I was going at least to college when I was 7. I remember that.... But if I hadn't had that path laid out for me, I am not sure whether I would have floundered for a bit.



To the original poster/mom, I think that your daughter needs to get excited about her life, and its not just about education and a career. Its also about planning our her happiness personally... meeting someone who will challenge her to be a better person and will be a good life partner and eventually parent to her children when she begins that chapter. Happiness in love, friendships, interests, education and career. What are her strengths? What educational programs are open to her where she could expand on her interests? Meet other people with like interests? Maybe work in the field, even doing an intership... even an unpaid internship to see what doors open up to her. I think that she just needs a bit of mom's help lighting her spark. Its scary to be 18 these days, and to be unsure... yes, she may be taking her frustration out on you and bickering with you, but think of it as a call for help. When she cried as a toddler, you scooped her up into your arms and kissed her boo boo or consoled her. She is that same fragile person.... who needs her mom.



- From naive mom of 21-month old....

Jenny - posted on 01/12/2010

18 is an adult. Give her two weeks to get her ducks in a row and then she's out on her butt. You've both had her whole life to prepare for this moment.

Cindy - posted on 01/12/2010

I went through this with Joey, He will be 21 next month. He would get jobs then quit. With him, I think he was just insecure about being out in the world. He currently is working at the same job for a year now. I just let him know I was there for him, but I did stay on to him about getting a job and keeping one. Could your daughter be a little insecure as well? It's harder on some kids to make that transition into adulthood, especially if they have been a little spoiled.

Amber Lyn - posted on 01/12/2010

If she is going to live in your home, make her pay rent. If she can't pay rent it's time to move out. I paid rent to my mother when I lived home, it didn't kill me, it made me responsible.

Sallie - posted on 01/12/2010

I happen to agree with everyone else, they are a adult time to go if you cant follow the rules and get a job, then they will see how easy they had it at home.