How does a mother cope with custody battles?

Shelley - posted on 01/04/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi my name is shelley. I am currently going through a custody battle with my daughter's father. I was wondering how other mothers would cope with this.



shelley

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Miranda - posted on 01/04/2010

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I am going through a custody battle with my sons father currently. He even called my sisters house after I went back home (I live in another state) to tell me that his wife was adopting my son! I don't know about your daughters father, but my sons father is a ruthless evil, selfish person, and is a child, it is ridiculous! Men talk about baby's mamas? NO WAY! Fathers are MUCH MUCH MUCH WORSE! Its so hard for me to handle, I would honestly like to know the same question.

Alishia - posted on 01/04/2010

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I FULLY agree with Kacy and Veronica!!!! No matter what may be said, hold your head high and keepy your composer... Documentation is VERY helpful and a BIG thing the courts look at, trust me I do so with my step daughters and it has always ended up being a big factor...

Veronica - posted on 01/04/2010

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Hi Shelley,
Dealing with these kinds of situations is never easy and probably never will, unfortunately, as I am finding out also. Iam very fortunate that my x never pushed for custody, but he does expect to go by the Court hand book as far as other things, like driving one way and such, but he only pays child support when he feels like it. I raised my son myself for two years and would not trade it for the world. While his dad would call and make other plans for his weekend with our son, I would try to fix it, but now that my son is older I just have him call his dad if there is an issue with his dad not getting him. Of course it always comes back on me, but I do not under any circumstance say anything bad about his dad in front of him or around him. He will find out some on his own. Just hold your head high, keep yourself straight and as a few others have said documentation is important. As she grows some things do get easier, or may be just different. Shrug, I just gave up on him getting to me and making me upset. I do not care what he says to me or respond back but with an "ok" or something like that. For instance Im moving and quitting my job. I say "ok" My son is my world that is what I focus on, not much else matters and surely not what he thinks of me or says about me, as I know different. You can make it through this with lots of prayers and being strong. I know you can. Keep yourself straight.

Adrianne - posted on 01/04/2010

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This is a hard one I have been doing split parenting with my daughters father for over 4 years. It has been really nasty at times. It has also been ok at times. I just try and remember that he loves her to the best of his capabilities. He is remarried and has 2 other kids. I feel like mine gets lost in the mix. It is so hard to be with out her when she goes I feel lost. The kids are smart and will make their own choices when they get older. It is important that she knows her father but make sure he has to meet you in the middle. I can't say that you ever get used to it but you have to deal with the fact that you are split parenting.Try and distract yourself. Unfortuanatly there are so many kids and families in this situation. Make sure that she knows other children of split familys too becasue as they get older they can relate to each other. When they are little it becomes the normal for them. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING even when times our good. The best thing that you can do to cope is make sure that your feelings towards him and your situation are seperate from the parenting sistuation. It is so easy to get emotions mixed up. Think It may have gone bad between you and him but did it go bad between him and his child too. Dads are not moms and do things diffrent pick your battles. Best of luck

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Dondi - posted on 08/06/2012

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it's horrible. Constently fighting with the ex. excercise helps- talking helps.

Shelley - posted on 01/04/2010

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thanks so much everyone for giving your advice. It makes me feel better knowing I can get thorugh this troubled time in my life. Thanks again everyone.

Shelley

Kacy - posted on 01/04/2010

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1. Put the kiddo FIRST. Every decision should be with their best intrest in mind.

2. Keep a journal or calendar. Write down everything he says and does.

3. Never meet with them without a friend. For example; that way if they yell at you in front of the kiddo, you have a witness. Usually it is easier to be nice when there is someone there help you keep cool.(don't bring your BFF that wants to kick his ass)

4. Clean house! What I mean is if you have a facebook, Myspace, etc... make darn sure there is NOTHING on there that might look bad.

5.Don't be afraid to ask people to testify for you. Good choices are pastors, daycare providers, teachers, anyone who knows you to be a good person and a good mom.

6. Get a lawyer if you can afford one. If you can't, consider asking your family for help paying for one.

7. Miranda, dye your hair a natural color. It's stupid, I know, but if it goes to court, it can make a difference.

8. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, USE THE CHILDREN AS GO-BETWEENS, OR PLAY HEAD TRIPS OF ANY KIND WITH YOUR EX THROUGH THEM.

For the most part, the court looks at what will be best for the child. This doesn't mean who has the most $, but issues of past and current actions and behavior can be an issue. Men get custody more than they used to, so there is no banking on the fact that you are the momma, but the system tends to be fair most of the time.



P.S.Your exes wife cannot adopt your child unless you sign papers saying she can.

Alishia - posted on 01/04/2010

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It's hard and does get ugly... I went through it with my mother over my son and now going through it again with my 2 stepdaughters who my husband has custody of. All you can do is be there for your daughter, document everything you can, no matter how big or little. As tough as it may be sometimes, always keep your composure while in fromt of your child, if you have to "let it all out", do so after they are asleep and in the comfort and privacy of your own room. It is real dificult for a father to get get and obtain custody (believe me), but stick to your guns! As long as you are providing proper housing, care, nutrion, and all essentials for your daughter, and are not out partying or doing any wrong, you will be the one giving him the fight! If all he is doing is just trying to get back at you, he has no hope... He would have to prove that you are financially, mention, emotionally, and in any other way unstable.

For Lequita, it is not wrong for a father to get custody of his child(ren), when the mother is running around on him, not caring for the child(ren), leaving them with anybody, to go out drinking and cheating.

Lequita - posted on 01/04/2010

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I think that you can only take care of your child. Do what you know needs to be done. Pray that you get full custody. I think that it is just wrong for a father to even think of taking his child away from the mother. My prayers are with you. Be strong!

Shelley - posted on 01/04/2010

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It's good to kno there are other mothers out there that are going through the same thing. My daughter's father is also evil and is pissed off at me cause i'm with a guy he doesn't like swo he's using shyanne to get back at me which really isn't fair to her

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