how does everyone deal with this?

Rie - posted on 10/18/2012 ( 53 moms have responded )

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i know ive been posting questions on here, but my divorce has been finalized in august this year and im new to the changes. i dont mind that my ex sees our daughter on his visitation, and i have no intention denieing it, but i am not going to lie...i get really annoyed with the fact that his mom and his sister are the ones that tells him what to do( for example, they were the one told him where i can and cant go), pretty much he is controlled by his family. i dont really trust neither one of them due to the fact that i have been lied to during the divorcing process(even though they were telling me that im still part of their family, they were telling me lies like whatever we talked stayed between us, which whatever i talked to them with trust pretty much leaked to him) and he has threatened that if i do move without his permission he will take me to court for modifying the agreement. i am having hard time dealing with the pressures from my ex's family...is there anyone out there that has gone through same thing, or still going through the same thing? i get along with some of his family, but i just feel like they are constantly trying to control my life. i work and i pay my bills and i have been providing everything my daughter needs, since my ex does not work and he has no income coming( he still hasnt paid for the child support) i dont want any trouble with anyone, i know some people say that its a matter between my ex and i, since we are the parents, but its kind of hard when his family are constantly telling him what to do. how does everyone deal with visitation plan after divorce??? i know its something we have to talk about, but he is hard to reach, and he doesnt really talk about it...and whenever he does talk, its not negotiation, its his demand(from his mom and his sister) and my facebook is being watched by his sister...how does everyone deal with agreeing for visitiation??? i know that some moms denies visitation from their kids dads, but like i said in the beginning i dont mind him seeing his daughter as long as hes really willing to and not because his family told him so. i dont want my daughter to be traumatized about our divorce becasue of me. but talking to my ex about how we do the visitation plan is like talking to a wall...he doesnt want to compromise, and he expects me to bring her back to him and take her back with me, when on divorce agreement it says we split the travel cost. if he wants to have his daughter, does that means i have to pay for everything, since he doesnt have money??? or if i didnt listen to him and i didnt send her in, and he gets mad and told me he would take it to court for violating the agreement, would that really affect me? i know that the visitation thing cant be just one way, it has to be something bothe of us agrees, but he just doesnt make it any easier on me.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/18/2012

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Ok, first of all if he is being difficult with visitation arrangements, get the lawyers involved and figure out a plan with them that everyone signs off on. Then it is a legal document, and he will be there and so will you. NOT his family.



Secondly, stop discussing ANYTHING with his family. It was a bit naive of you to think they would be on your side about anything. Don't trust them any more. But when he is with his daughter, he is the parent and makes the decisions not you. I know that can be a hard thing to deal with.



Then, make sure you are reporting that he is not paying child support. As much as you may want to be nice, don't or it will bite you in the ass in the long run. He is being a dead beat dad.



Then, block who you need to from your facebook, and make it as private as you can. Remember, anything that you post is really very public. So if you are complaining about your ex on facebook, it will eventually get back to him through mutual friends or whatever.



I am not divorced, but have lived through it many times and my sister got divorced from an overbearing asshole. She is still having problems because she is trying to be nice. He doesn't give a shit and treats her like crap. Best thing to do is keep your kids OUT of adult business. Don't complain about their dad. If he or his family complain about you to them, it is completely immature, but nothing you can do about it. NEVER talk negatively to the kids about anything regarding their grandparents, aunts, uncles and especially their own father. It is non of their business.

Sheena - posted on 10/18/2012

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I don't know what state you're in but you don't have to allow him to see her if he's not paying support. Also are you trying to move out of state? I'm divorced and remarried. My husband is military so obviously I had to move when the time came. I sent a letter to the courts explaining my situation and it was fine. I would maybe consult an attorney to find out exactly what your rights are in your state.

Tori - posted on 10/18/2012

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As for dealing with the family, I cannot help you there. But as for visitation - it is both parents repsonsibility to do there part for the visitation. What does the divorce decree say -- who transports to his house and who returns? Stick to the paperwork that it what it is there for -- so the parents do not have to compromise which I promise does not work. If he has to come and get them according to the paperwork -- then tell him if he wants to see her come and get him that you are not going to take him to her. He has a responsibility as a dad to do this. If it says you have to take her and he has to return and he fails to return her, then you contact the county constable with a copy of your signed divorce decree and state he is in violation of the decree and has not returned your daughter (local police cannot get involved her ONLY county --- at least in the state of TX). You should also have a stipulation in the decree that says you have to stay within any counties that connect to the county you live in UNLESS he (the non-custodial parent) moves over 100 miles away and then you the custodial parent are free to move where ever you want. I can also say this -- if he fails to pay child support for more than 1 year in the state of TX or fails to maintain contact (i.e. he calls/visits -- not you promoting visits) for more than 1 year, it is considered abandonment of the child and you can take his rights away --- you may not want to which is understandable & don't let him know this, but over time depending on how things go --- you may find it easier --- especially if you determine it is you and his family keeping the bond & not him. It is best for the child in the long run. She what your laws are in your state. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS & KNOW YOUR DECREE FRONT & BACK AND STICK TO IT. Don't expect to be able to talk about things like this so soon after a divorce that is what the decree is for. I am divorced 6 years to a deadbeat dad --- not car, no job, no home, no child support, visitation when he could afford it or at his convenience --- in that time and I tried to maintain the relationship with him & his 2 kids for the sake of the kids --- now my kids are in counseling and my son who he has manipulated is having emotional issues for having to try and maintain his relationship with his dad when it is the adults (fathers) responsibility not the child's. He still does not pay support --- it took me this long to stop feeling guilty over the divorce and realize that this guy needs to man up --- I no longer take the kis there --- he has to come get them if he wants to see them, I have filed for non-payment of child support even though I support them just fine b/c it is his responsibility --- its the give them an inch & they will take a mile. Let him take you to court if it is really a split of the travel costs (keep receipts and mileage records with dates). Also after every conversation/text (take pictures of the text, keep notes of conversations --- all this works in your favor in court. If he doesn't have any money how is he going to take you to court anyway --- when my ex threatened that, I told him to go ahead --- knowing he didn't have a leg to stand on --- he never did, it is just an empty threat to try and manipulate you into doing what he wants. Stay strong and hold your ground. If he wants to see his child he has to put effort forward to and not a court in the world will disagree with that, especially if you have documentation to back things up. Also, if his sister is monitoring your facebook --- regardless of the reprecussions - she is obviously not looking out for you --- block her or categorize her where she can't see certain things --- check out your privacy settings, or delete her as a freind, sounds harsh --- but its one less worry. If you have mutual friends, they have privacy settings now where people cannot see you just b/c you are mutual friends.

Jen - posted on 10/31/2012

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It sounds to me like you need a lawyer. Beyond that, it is your job to comply with the custody agreement. If you want to move, you need to follow whatever process is in the agreement. I doubt that requires your ex's permission, but you probably have to tell the court, and you may only be able to move within a given area. Yes, you have to allow him visitation even if you don't think he really cares but that his family are the ones pushing for it. Unless you think someone in his family is abusing or neglecting your daughter, the fact that they are the ones pushing him to take her doesn't really matter. And finally, your ex has to abide by the custody agreement just as much as you do. So, if transportation is supposed to be split and he wants his daughter, he has to drive her one way. I would have him come get her and then you will pick her up. That puts the impetus on him to make the visitation happen. Keep records of the times when you have transported her both ways. And don't discuss visitation (or anything else!) with your ex's family. You deal with him only. If they want something, they can deal with him. No reason for you to have to put up with them at all.

Amber - posted on 10/28/2012

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This sounds like a really stressful situation. My first advice is to find someone to talk too, either a counselor or a person in your religious affiliation. Make it someone not emotionally involved with you or the situation so that way they are unbiased and will listen. Second if your decree says you split travel then offer to meet him halfway and document when he does not show. Thirdly it sounds to me like he is already in violation of the court rulings so if he were to take you back he has to answer for his actions and when the judge hears both sides they will make a decision based on what is best for the child involved. Basically it sounds like you are going above and beyond what you need to do so do not worry about their threats just keep doing what you think is best for your daughter and you and don't allow them to cause you stress that you do not need.

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Judy - posted on 12/15/2012

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Biggest adjustments is THEY ARE NOT YOUR FAMILY ANY MORE! Their loyalty belongs to him. they are unhealthy for you. Unfriend his sister on Facebook. Most divorce agreements state that yo are free to move within a certain mile radius. If yours doesn't then it.... doesn't Either way divorce orders usually also state that neither party will interfer with the others freedom. He is being difficult. Go to the Department of Child support in your state and have them file for child support for you... the courts can insist that he get a job and start paying something.

I was in a similar situation. My ex's family still likes to pretend we are one big happy family. My new husband is offended by their behavior. I feel sorry for them because my kids are the only grandkids they have and they don't see them often. they were very controlling while married to their son. I had to grow a backbone after the divorce. It hurt but I felt so much better about myself when I did. Grow a backbone. Make your plans and stick to them. Get your facts of legal rights from a lawyer and the courts. He is having his cake and eating it too. Still controlling you even though he has no right.

Rie - posted on 11/01/2012

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in our parenting plan we just have which one have her on around christmas or after christmas, but thats all there is, it doesnt say who has her around christmas or after christmas. the reason im saying this is because my family in japan has been sick, and anytime now anything can happen from now and within the next few months. i just wanted to see if i did go home to help my family out that will be considered as violation, seeing he briefly told me his mom wanted our daughter on christmas but he hasnt been in touch with me, he said he doenst know if he can come pick her up since he doesnt have any money. im pretty much stuck in a situation

Christina - posted on 11/01/2012

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If the parenting plan does not clearly spell out holidays then it typical follows the weekend rotation, so if it is his weekend then you would be in violation Typically it is better if all holidays are set up from the beginning, for example with mom on even years and dad on odd years, except mother's/father's day and parents' birthdays but kids birthdays are also shared, if they can't be celebrated together. For extended holidays, fall break/Christmas Break/Spring Break and Summer break should also be clearly stated. For example with mom 1st half of Thanksgiving on even years and 2nd half with dad on odd years. Summer break is typically split in half, if he chooses not to do his half that is on him but it is usually what is done. You should definitely talk to your attorney and get all holidays spelled out very detailed so that you are arguing about this issue EVERY holiday, EVERY year. If you don't take care of it now it will remain an issue and you will eventually have to address it. And it typically gets worse once one or both spouses meet someone else and remarries. Deal with all of it now and get it all done through the courts. The more you have clearly stated by the courts the less he can try to control you because you just refer back to the court order and always refer him back to the court order.

Holly - posted on 11/01/2012

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If he is SCHEDULED to see her, and you blatantly scheduled to be out of town with your daughter when he is supposed to be able to see her, then yes, yes it is.

Rie - posted on 11/01/2012

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i have been just wondering, if the baby daddy wants to see his daughter on christmas and i will be out of town with my daughter when he says he does, does that consider to be violation of his visitation rights? that was another issue he was trying to control of. he thinks he can see her whenever he please to see her.

TINA - posted on 10/29/2012

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You can move a 100 miles and u have to tell the court not him he has no say where u move,, I'm in the same boat girl only my ex is mentally ill and does same stuff no job for him too!!! U are suppose to share the driving court rules! I just got a good job offer and I'm moving and not telling him till I'm gone he only has supervised visits thank god!!! Delete the family from your Fb or adjust your settings and switch yourself to private!!

Cindie - posted on 10/28/2012

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If the parenting plan says u split the transporting of your daughter then he has to transport her one way and you the other. Also he needs to be responsible for all of what's been ruled. And as for child support I would file for it bcuz they will make him get a job and make an effort atleast!!

Shana - posted on 10/28/2012

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Everyone else who has commented has the right idea. You owe him NOTHING, or his family. If your decree says within the US, by all means, you can go wherever you want to. It is also your constitutional right. I would only tell him though, at the last minute so he can't kidnap her. Unfriend everyone that has to do with him, block them also. They are NOT out for you. And last but not least, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so if you are at all a God fearing person, PRAY, PRAY and pray some more.



My parents were divorced and every time I went to visit my dad, my mom would get something out of us that my step sister had or something and she would take my dad back to court for fear that my step sister had more than we did. So, because my dad could not afford it, money wise or mental health wise, he had to stay away from us. We hardly ever saw him. So, now that we are grown, we realize it was the only thing he could have done to protect us and himself from harm, any harm at all. I hope it doesn't go that far with your child, but, to tell the truth, this is where it's heading, in my opinion. Not because of you, but because of him and his family.



But, please, don't just be steal either. Don't be walked on. Get the lawyer involved again. If you have to, go through the County for a lawyer. If your county finds out he isn't paying child support, he will more than likely lose any and all rights anyway. Good for you, but not for your child. Just be careful what you say to anyone. If he keeps bullying you, throw it back on him. I don't know if you saw the movie with Patrick Swayze but I you should be nice, until it's time to not be nice anymore! LOL Good luck!

Rie - posted on 10/28/2012

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thank you everyone for your advise. im trying to put my foot down, as far as im concerned, i dont really have any dirt on me, since i dont put anything on fb. i dont contact none of them unless they do. but as far as my concern, its not me that have dirt on, they should worry about them. im not going to be the one to traumatize my daughter.

Margaret - posted on 10/28/2012

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You need to see a counciler and ger some professional advice. Check with a local womens shelter to see if they have someone who can help you.

Gail - posted on 10/28/2012

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same situation here, what I did was finally cut myself from all of their lives. your not their family not matter what they say he is, so they will have his back before you . if he can't go by the agreement let him take you back to court, my ex ddn't and the kids never saw him and I never got child support either because he was unemployed. my two older kids are grown and just fine. take care of what works for you and your daughter and if it doesn't feel right her going to see him then don't and let him hire a lawyer. but definately get them off your facebok. they are definately spying and looking for dirt. don't allow them to get any.

Ashley - posted on 10/28/2012

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get a lawyer. you have custody, so dont let him or his family call the shots. it is your way as long as you a fair about it, and if he doesnt like it then that is his problem. set up visitation every other weekend, and every other holiday. he gets fathers day and his birthday, you get mothers day and your birthday. he has to pick her up when it is time for his visit, and you have to pick her up when it is time for her to come home. if he doesn't show up to get her for his visits, then he misses that visit. have a lawyer write it up, and take it to court. the judge will see you are trying to be fair and let him have visitation, and wont have anything to hold against you. document every time you talk to him, and every time you have to drop her off, and every time he doesnt show up to get her. document everything! it is time to put your foot down, and quit letting these people run your life. you can also block them on your facebook so they cant see anything. good luck.

Jeanette - posted on 10/27/2012

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This is so true. I am a firm believer that if a father is asking to see their children then they should be responsible enough to pick them up. My ex and I recently are going back to court for a modification in visitation rights. He wont sign yet because I put on the decree that it has to be him and only him to pick her up. He stated to the attorney that he wanted a clause to say that a blood-related and responsible adult could pick her up in his absense in case he is running late or has an emergency. I can understand the emergency, but the running late, that really makes me sick to my stomach. Moms don't run late for their children. If we have to be there at ten, we arrive at nine thirty. What can I say, I couldnt agree with you more.

Jeanette - posted on 10/27/2012

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Hello. Im from El Paso. I can understand your frustration and the pain I hear in your words. I am going through a similar situation. When I divorced two years ago I din't mind my ex seeing our daughter, I never have, but to be quite honest he normally wouldnt as he was always on the road as a truck driver. Just less than a year ago he got new girlfriend. He still continued to see our daughter, but once the girlfriend (and now future mother of his second child) met our daughter and I things drastically changed. He took me to court to modify the visitation rights asking for a standard agreement. In his own words, he wants this because he wants "his daughter to have a relationship with his girlfriend". To think that all this modification came because he wanted to stop paying child support. I am a working mother, always have been, and probably will always be. I have had to work even when I was married because even when he did, I never got one cent from him until we divorced. He seems to think child support pays for everything for me and my daughter. Had his mother not giving him money to pay for an attorney to modify the child support, then he would have never gotten the "smart" idea to modify the visitation relationship as well. For him, he takes the attitude of if I dont get to have this then you dont either. If I saw that it was him that really wanted to take the initiative to be with our daughter more, then I would be okay. But to see that his mother and now his new future to be wife are FORCING him to spend more time with our daughter, that really hurts. He tried to put restrictions on where I could live and move to, but my attorney did not allow this as I am a working professional that could have a really good opportunity somewhere else in the future. I wish I could help you with your question about paying for travel for visitation if you moved, but thankfully that is one thing that I am not dealing with at the moment. Unfortunately, our daughter who is nine has been traumatized by this whole deal. I wish he could see what I see every day in her eyes, the fear she discloses at the thought of having to go spend overnight visits with him when she never has. All I can say to you is that this is a hard situation, not easy in any way, but we haave to stay strong for us and for our children, as we are the rock that holds everything together. Take care of yourself because you deserve it. Dont let them get the best of you, though I know there are days when you just dont want to deal and tears just come streaming down my face. On those days, I remember that I have mommies outhere, you being one of them, that can truly understand and validate the ill feelings that come with a divorce and children. To you, I say, many blessings and take care.

Faye - posted on 10/25/2012

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Good for you! Keep standing up for your rights as mom and her rights as well. If he is supposed to pick her up for his visits and he does not show, write it down.



While you don't say the age of the child, if she is young still and does not know the calendar yet, don't tell her that it is her weekend with dad, until he shows up. Pack a bag, just in case, but don't say anything to her that way she will not disappointed when he does not show.



If seeing her and spending his weekend with her was important to him, he would make arrangements to get to her. Even if it is borrowing a buddy's car for the evening.

Rie - posted on 10/25/2012

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ive heard that as well. which is why im not denying his right to see her. i told him he can see her as long as he comes pick her up and see her.

Faye - posted on 10/24/2012

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Sheena stated: "I don't know what state you're in but you don't have to allow him to see her if he's not paying support." I do know that in KS, these are SEPARATE issues! Just because non custodial parent does not pay child support DOES NOT mean that he can not see the child! KS judges will toss the mother in jail for Contempt of Court for not allowing the dad to see the children even if he is not paying child support.

Holly - posted on 10/22/2012

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honestly you just have to let go and realize you don't have ANY control over what happens at his home. NONE! and guess what your ex is going to get girl friends who control his life EVEN more so than his sister and mother.... then you'll have to get used to her... only to have them break up, and he will have another one. His family SHOULD be on his side, and be watching out for him... they SHOULD be against you and everything you do, that is why his family is HIS family and not yours I don't know how old your daughter is, but the STANDARD custody order is the best one to go by, i would suggest 50/50 but then it messes with her school... but yes as a NCP we do all the travel costs... CP gets the child for majority of the time.

Pamela - posted on 10/22/2012

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Danielle,

I am surprised that such things exist,,,,and then again I am not because our government has grown to have so much interference in our lives. When my now ex stole the children while I was sleeping, he took the distributor cap off of my car so if I awoke I couldn't follow him. Then he was gone for 3 weeks with the children moving all over this island. He called me every 3 days and each time I asked the children where they were he would hang up.



At that time parents kidnapping the children was not a recognized situation, so calling the police did not help. At least that has changed, but this restriction of setting a limit could work both ways. Obviously you did not have custody, for whatever reason, so it worked for you.

Dee - posted on 10/22/2012

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I hope your divorce paperwork stated who claims her on the taxes starting with your 2012 returns. Like some one else stated - The IRS could care less what your paperwork says, they go on a first file, first allowed. The divorce paperwork only gives you a leg to stand on when you take him to court if he claims her on a year that isn't his.



As far as the moving, if it states you can move any where in the US, then great! Mine states I can go with in 40 miles without having to have his consent, but no matter how far I move, I have to file a letter with the court. Make sure you do that, and in your "letter of intent" make sure you tell then that you have a job offer making better money, and if your lawyer approves, state that you need the increase in pay because he is not paying his 50% of travel expenses, lack of child support, and anything else that his is failing to do as per the agreement. The court should take in to consideration the fact that he isn't doing anything. If he would by chance get mom to pay to take you back to court, they may look more favorably on you if you keep them in the loop and have LOTS of documentation! Like everyone else said: keep track of everything!



I believe you stated that he is only getting the basic visitation schedule. In our state I believe it's called Local Rule 28 (every other weekend, with one or two nights a week, along with the holidays that each get). I don't know if it's written in there, but my lawyer told me that the person receiving the child has to travel. It makes sense, and should be that person's responsibility to pay the expenses for their trip. If it's his turn to get her, then he has to make the arrangements and fund the trip to get her. If he can't afford it, then he doesn't get her! Don't let him walk all over you. Don't let him say that he'll pay you back or con you into paying for his half of travel expenses. If he wants her, he will find a way to fund it so that she can visit him.



Personally - you are a few months into this and you already have a pattern set up with how he is dealing with it. Make a list of the issues you are having and go talk to your lawyer! Sit down and go over your divorce paperwork and have them point out what he is in violation of and where it's stated in the paperwork. Then you can decide what the best course of action is. Some states will not allow you to deny him visitation, even if it's been 10 years and he's not paid 1 cent of child support. Go over all your options with your lawyer! Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 10/22/2012

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Pamela, the divorce settlement wouldn't determine that; the custody decree would. If it isn't listed specifically, then state/county defaults will be in play. It's to keep one parent from stealing the child(ren) away from the other parent. Also, while it doesn't prevent the custodial parent from moving away, it does allow the non-custodial parents from blocking the CHILD(REN) from moving if it's too far. As such, the county/state will specify rules on address changes: how much notice must be given to the non-custodial parent, the distance limit for a move before the non-custodial parent can take the custodial parent to court for contempt, etc.



I had 60 miles stated in our decree as the max distance the custodial parent could move with the kids w/o approval from the non-custodial parent to keep my ex from moving more than one hour away from me as it would've impacted my ability to spend time with the kids while they were with him most of the time.

Rie - posted on 10/19/2012

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well as for taxes he wanted to claim hee every other year to.be fair and he wouldnt give in so i took the deal.

Danielle - posted on 10/19/2012

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There should be something within the custody decree that states if there are any limits as to how far away the custodial parent can move from the non-custodial parent, including the steps the custodial parent must take to notify the non-custodial parent. If it's on the decree that you split travel cost, then make him come pick her up or find a public place between the two of you for pickup/return. Make sure to establish the times and set the expectation that if one of you is going to be late, he/she must notify the other party asap.



As for dealing with the ex's family, you aren't obligated to facilitate your child's relationship with them. It's your ex's job. Likewise, you don't have to deal with the ex's family. Granted if they're that pushy, cutting them off and only dealing with the ex might result in them going out of their way to harm you &/or your child, but it's something to consider. If you haven't already, please lock down your Facebook period to protect your & your child's privacy, and then either remove his sister from your friend's list or mark her as an acquaintance and make your default posts on FB for close friends only.



If you haven't already, start a spreadsheet tracking how much your ex is supposed to be paying in child support every month and how much you're spending time, mileage and money-wise on facilitating her visitation with him. This will make it easier for you to report to DHS how much he owes. I don't track travel on mine, but I did track childcare costs while my son was under 13 and I still track all out-of-pocket medical expenses for the kids since I had it specified in the decree that my medical insurance was primary and he had to pay for 50% of out of pockets for daycare and medical. The judge & lawyers loved my having the itemized spreadsheet.



I would actually file paperwork with DHS now so they can start trying to get some child support from him. At some point when he does get a job, they should be able to garnish some support for you. Also, if your ex somehow tries to collect a tax refund, it should be automatically redirected to you once it's on record with DHS that he's in arrearage on the child support.



In response what what Tori said about taxes-- if it isn't specified in the decree, he could techically file taxes and claim the child. It isn't right, but whomever gets the taxes filed first gets the deduction. It will be a hassle to get the IRS to kick out his return and accept hers at that point even if the ex is lying. To avoid that, I had it put into our decree that I get to claim our son & my ex gets to claim our daughter. Even when they were primarily with him, I still got to claim our son on my taxes. Likewise, now that the kids are primarily with me, he still gets to claim our daughter on his. Reasoning was so I'd have a write-off longer than the ex (son is younger than daughter).

Ronda - posted on 10/19/2012

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First of all your daughter has a right to her father. If he is good to her, then she needs that. Second, you don't need to have any contact with his family if you don't want to. You can block people from Facebook, screen calls, send an actual letter, and even go through a mediator, but they do not need to be involved!!

Charity - posted on 10/19/2012

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I've read ur questions and responses and seen that u said he's already signed a within the continental US clause so he can't say anything about where u live as long as you stick to that. Most states u have to live within the state unless you go back to court and ask to move out of. He's already given you that gift. Like others have suggested his threats are empty last thing he wants is to go back into court especially if he's not paying his child support. I recently went to court with my ex because he's jobless and a dead beat dad who wanted to stop the child support since he didn't have a job and it backfired on the loser. He was court ordered a work search and has to do 3 to 5 applications a day and has to go back monthly until he finds a job and then the child support plus his back will start to be taken from him. Just stick to your guns and keep being the awesome mom you are being and everything will work out for you. And if his mom and sister continue to harass you i'd look into a restraining order also would look bad for their side if you were to go back to court. Do what you think is best for your daughter, he's definitely not.

Tori - posted on 10/19/2012

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Okay so you hold the cards here regarding visitation and like I said stick to the paperwork don't try and work it out. If he wants to see her then he will have to come pick her up for his visitation it is as simple as that you don't need to be flexible & I seriously don't recommend trying b/c you will get taken advantage of. And just tell him that you don't feel like you guys can work together on this and you will be sticking to the legal document the court decided on (which they do for reasons just like what you are dealing with right now). And if you can move anywhere in the US and you want to, go for it. Don't let him threaten you about court to try and still control your decisions. You got divorced, so you don't have to deal with him and you can be in charge of your own life and the choices you make without threats & intimidation.

As far as him not working they will still request that he pay a minimum child support and if he isn't and he isn't following his visitiation schedule regardless of his working or not --- it will look badly on him --- in no way does hum not working go in his favor.

Lastly regarding the income tax --- you have primary custody of your daughter which means via IRS law she is with you for more than 6 months out of the year EVERY Year. He cannot legally claim her without lying on his tax forms. Also, he gets a reduction in his taxes (I believe) for the child support he pays just like you have to claim the child support you get. That is his tax break. My ex wanted the same thing & I told him a flat out no, and he has no legal leg to stand on here regarding claiming her since she is with you like I said more than 6 months out of the year. That is what the IRS uses to determine if you can claim someone as a dependent, the end. Don't let him try to fool you. Go to the legal website in your state that discusses child support, child custody, etc. (it will be something like this --- http://www.texas.gov/en/Pages/default.as... ---- note and official government website with its laws always ends in .gov so don't get pulled into someone else's site).

Rie - posted on 10/19/2012

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thanks everyone for your advise. it really help me to.understand that im not alone being situation like this. i dont have any family member here in the states, all of my side of family lives in japan. so its kind of hard not being able to.get an advise. as for the.fb i am planning on blocking them. a.d for divorce decreeit said i am allowed to move out of state as long as i send out 60 days notice. but like everyone said i shoukdnt have to be worrying about him taking my custodt anf his threat. i am doing what i can do for my daughter even before our divorce got finalized. during our seperation he didnt pay for anytginh and he still owes me money, and he and his side of family thibks my famiky would help me out financially, but i really dont want to depend on my family. it has been just real hard on me to deal with.

Rie - posted on 10/19/2012

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our divorce was finalized in august, he agreed that were moving out of state and on divorce decree it says mother shall relocate within any f continental us.

Jan - posted on 10/19/2012

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First off, BLOCK his Mom and his Sister and HIM from your Facebook Page, LOCK IT DOWN. What you do is no longer any of their business. Second, DO NOT TRUST THEM! They are HIS family, their loyalties lie with him, NOT YOU. Third, Visitation is a 2 way street, tell him is he wants to see his daughter he needs to come and pick her up, and you will go pick her up for the return trip to bring her home. Put it in writing and Make 3 copies, one that you send to him, one for your records, and one that goes on file with your attorney or the court. That way it is documented. Your bank may even notarize them for free,

As far as the moving, if you have a custody agreement like my daughter got stuck with you have to prove that it is in the best interest of your daughter to move.

File on his unpaid child support. Does not matter if he is working or not. If you do not file, the court cannot back you. You are in the driver's seat, he is not holding up his end and threatening you? Please, Stand up for yourself and your daughter. Get the Ex's family out of your life and start living your own.

Janet - posted on 10/19/2012

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If he has no job and is basically homeless, how can he afford to take you back to court? The fact that he has not stuck to his side of the agreement, speaks volumes in your favor. Like others have said, I would contact your lawyer and see what he says, other then that, I would let your ex know that he cannot jerk you around and when he starts paying his child support and coming to get his child himself instead of completely relying on you, then you have no recourse, but to move where you have a job and can take care of your daughter. Also, it is good that everything is through email, more back up for you.

Kathy - posted on 10/18/2012

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First of all--if your ex is on facebook with you--cut him off--he's your ex. unfriend him, his sister, his cousin, his best friend..everyone associated with him, because trust me, they care about him not you. Sorry- that's the cold hard truth. I unfriended EVERYONE from my exes family and his close friends because they are loyal to HIM. Secondly, His family doesn't care about you--sorry it's true. Blood is thicker. Third, like everyone else said--go throughthe courts. In my decree all visitation, holidays, support was very strictly spelled out as was moving stipulations. If you plan on moving, expect and push for court dates. You want the visitation so nailed down and stamped so that there is no way for him to get around it.

Jennifer - posted on 10/18/2012

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make him talk about it. set out things how they need to be and if he can't deal with that, then you need to speak with the lawyers. (basically - tell him nicely how you would like things to go, how they would be easier for your child and so on...if he won't listen, lawyers are the next step)



if you can, cut communication with his family - its up to him to fill them in on how his daughter is doing and so on. if you do speak with them, ensure that nothing privet is discussed - its your life, not theirs.



also - if you are thinking of moving. speak with your lawyer first - you may not be able to leave a certin area without different visitation rules being set up. if you have it set that you can move - then remind him of that should he threaten it. the divorce would not be final if he had not signed and there fore agreed to it

Christina - posted on 10/18/2012

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The time-sharing plan should have been spelled out in your divorce. It is best to handle it now with attorneys and get it figured out all the way down to every holiday. It should discuss who does the drop offs, pick up, extra. It isn't all on you. If you have an agreement now then you do have to abide by it, if it is court ordered or you can get into trouble and judges do not like it when their orders are not followed. The more detailed it is the less it has be to discussed. There is a lot of good info on the internet, trust the official sites like your states. They should have a sample form that would show you. I have met families that said they would always keep the best interest of their kids but after years, possible re-marriages and then new children the attitudes change and it can get very ugly very quick. Child support should be done through the states so that you don't have to deal with none payments but the state deals with it. You have to remember that his family is his family and you should guard what you say to them. As long as you keep your daughter from being in the middle she won't be traumatized. That means no talking about your ex or his family whenever she is around, even if she is in another room and don't allow your family or friends to talk bad about him. You can search for positive co-parenting to come up with additional ideas.

Veronica - posted on 10/18/2012

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Wow...I don't know where to start...I don't know what the laws are there, but I went through a nasty divorce that took over 1 year and now I'm in 15k of debt. The process was extremely extensive and we had a parenting agreement that had to be signed by both parties, the laywers and stamped by the judge. I was lied to, betrayed & manipulated by him and his overbearing mother who also has him on her cord still. He's a 36 year old man who basically lives with her, doesn't pay bills and didn't want to pay support at all., yet him and his mommy wanna do everything with her as if they're her parents. I say he's just a puppet and she's the puppet master. She went to every single court date, God forbid he EVER did anything...but anyway, he did try to jeopardise my job, my car my aprtment to try and get full custody. It won't happen. We have shared custody and it was a long drawn out process. I think you're being taken advantage of and need to open your eyes. Your relationship with your ex has nothing to do with your daughers relationship with him. Its in the divorce papers that neither of us or either of our families can talk in a negative way or slander eachother to alter her opinion of the other parent. There many laws in place for this type of shit. Do your research and stand up for yourself and your child. If the agreement isn't 50/50 then reopen it...and document when he's in violation, and after a year of violation upon violation--take his ass back and get full custody. Have a paper trial of documented proof and do it right.

Naomi - posted on 10/18/2012

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go back to your lawyer. he is the one who can get things enforced and/or changed.

Rie - posted on 10/18/2012

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hello, thank u for the advise. well on the divorce decree it says mother shall relocate within.continental us. and for the visitation it says on standard visitation hes suppose to comd get her n i gotta pick her up, but it doesnt say that i habe to take her and pick her up. he wanted to claim her in his taxes every other year too. i sent him message on fb 4 days ago and he didjt respond regarding how he wanted to do the visitation... if he does go to court, does the fact that hes jobless and homeless means anything in court?

Rie - posted on 10/18/2012

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hello, thank u for the advise. well on the divorce decree it says mother shall relocate within.continental us. and for the visitation it says on standard visitation hes suppose to comd get her n i gotta pick her up, but it doesnt say that i habe to take her and pick her up. he wanted to claim her in his taxes every other year too. i sent him message on fb 4 days ago and he didjt respond regarding how he wanted to do the visitation... if he does go to court, does the fact that hes jobless and homeless means anything in court?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/18/2012

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Yup. Stop being nice.



I lived in St. Peters, and Florissant.

Rie - posted on 10/18/2012

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well i guess i just neef to stop being nice. i just didnt want to go into fight because of our dauhhter. worst case we probably just gets stuck in missouri. well we used to live in southeast mo

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/18/2012

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Well, he cannot just get full custody. Especially if he is jobless and homeless :)

Rie - posted on 10/18/2012

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well im not moving out of the country... he made sure that i will not move out of the country, he prettymuch came up with unfair agreement with his mom and sister, which i dont care, i only care about whats best for my girl. i personally dont care the fact that he doesnt have a job or place to live on his own, and hes always depending on his mom for everything. i got a joband will have a place of our own and find her school and everythinh on my own. he agreed on the paper saying i can relocate within continental us, and he threatened that if i move somewbere he doesbt approve he would take me to court and will go for full custody.

Rie - posted on 10/18/2012

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well im not moving out of the country... he made sure that i will not move out of the country, he prettymuch came up with unfair agreement with his mom and sister, which i dont care, i only care about whats best for my girl. i personally dont care the fact that he doesnt have a job or place to live on his own, and hes always depending on his mom for everything. i got a joband will have a place of our own and find her school and everythinh on my own. he agreed on the paper saying i can relocate within continental us, and he threatened that if i move somewbere he doesbt approve he would take me to court and will go for full custody.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/18/2012

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Congratulations on your job, and if you do everything legally, you should have no problems at all. He cannot just take her or anything simply because you move. But check again with your lawyer. Sometimes the other parent needs to sign off if you are moving out of the country. If he is the one moving out of the country, well, that is his choice.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/18/2012

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Nope you shouldn't have to pay. He should. It is actually better IMO that you are communicating through e mail so you have evidence when you speak with your lawyer about anything.



You are in Japan right now and he is in Missouri? Just curious where in MO? I lived there for 10 years.

Rie - posted on 10/18/2012

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thank u. well i am being nice, and i dont post anything on fb or talk to my daughter negatively about her daddy. i just want to be able to live my life in a way i.wanted to within the agreement, and i went through court and i have divorce decree saying i can relocate as long as its within the continental us, and that we shall.discusd it. but he doesnt have a phone right now anf the only communication he has is the internet. i wrote him an email to discuss how.he.wants to do visitation since im planning to move and im in japan helping my family out and working saving up money to move but i have job offer and im taking it, and he expects me to come back to missouri, on the trip i have to pay for means both going and coming back. and.i know im only responsible for paying half. but hes the one doesnt have a job, so i shouldnt have to pay for everything, im not saying he cant see her, all im saying is thst he has to come pick her up and when shes ready i will go pick her up on my expense.

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