how likely is it for my ex to get more than weekends with our son?

Cece - posted on 05/10/2012 ( 57 moms have responded )

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My ex-boyfriend and i have been been apart for 2 months,.. We were never married. He wants my son on weekdays... But he works from 8-5 and then goes to school from 6-9...
How likely is it that the judge or state will grant him time during the week?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Brandy - posted on 05/11/2012

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Take your power back from him. You are allowing him to manipulate and control you through access and custody threats of your kids. Get yourself a lawyer and some legal advice, find out what your rights are and stand tall!!

Nancy - posted on 05/13/2012

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Have any of you been through a custody battle before? I'm reading a lot of 'any judge would see through that!', but wondering if any of you have ever experienced what you're saying? It's great to be a support to another mom but what you *think* the law says, and what it really says, often are not the same. The law, the court, judges, etc - it's not like t.v., folks! The best advice you can give this mom is to tell her the truth about what the law says (applicable to her state). The reason I'm saying this is that I went into the courtroom with one idea and came out with a totally different experience. Life is to checkers what court is to chess. The courtroom is complicated. The rules, the laws, the judges...they don't always make sense and sometimes contradict. Probably one of the most important things you should know, when your partnership ends, is that it is no longer any of your business what your 'ex' does, thinks, says, etc. Those things are your business when you were together, not now. Both parents have equal rights. To deprive the other parent of their time is heinous. To deprive your child of equal time with the other parent is heinous. Young moms, speak to an attorney in your area before asking advice of friends. Attorneys can tell you what your rights are, friends will tell you what your rights *should* be. When you're in the courtroom, which one is most important to know, your rights, or what they *should* be? Remember too, that when you try to control the other parent, it is likely you yourself who will be controlled (by the law). After having gone through a divorce (5 years ago), a custody battle (3 years ago), a custody battle between my fiancé and his ex (that ended last month), the best thing I can tell all of you is...BE NICE! Just be nice, people - even if your ex isn't, be nice anyways because it's the right thing to do. Your children are precious and they need to see what 'nice' looks like. God bless and good luck to you, and to your ex-partners.

Cece - posted on 05/13/2012

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I in no way meant that towards you Kristi. Your comments do help though.. As well as most of the people who have commented on this. This is a tricky situation and it will get no easier as we continue. I will def. post about what is going on. And in turn hope to help someone who is also going through the same things or similar. Thank you again!

Shannon - posted on 05/13/2012

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@ Nancy...you are so right that anyone needs to research/investigate/learn the LAW in their governing area. Opinions are just that; OPINIONS. It is best to make a plan.

Things that may be beneficial include:

-Once you have researched the law as it pertains to your situation/case, then document as much as possible.

-Search the web for templates for separation agreements, historical schedules and parenting plans and complete them to the best of your ability prior to consulting your lawyer in order to save both time and costs.

-Everything that you want/request MUST be in the best interests of your child. It is important to note that the child of your relationship is neither his nor yours, but both of yours!

-Clearly state what you want and why you want it; keep it factual, not subjective.



You may always HOPE for the best, but when dealing/communicating with X-partners doesn't necessarily work that way. Remember, your X's version of the events may be a lot different than yours, but none-the-less it is his truth and his reality: he feels just as strongly as you do! The emotions often run high after a break-up as the resentment and contempt you have for each other often supersedes the wants and needs of the child. Your definition of courtesy/respect/integrity may not apply to him, and you definitely cannot impose this on him (especially if he was not one to comply to your morals prior to the break up).



Although you may not agree with how your x is treating you now, try to communicate via e-mail (keeps a record) as if you were still together:

-Keep communication very brief with only the facts in point form.

-Some women have found it VERY helpful to end messages with a simple/general question (as long as it applies): "How would you like to handle this?"

-if you believe you know his personality/learning preference (visual/auditory/kinesthetic), speak in sensory terms that he will immediately connect with so that your x feels less threatened: How would this look to you/ How does this sound to you?/How does this work for you?

-most men are NOT detailed oriented, so provide only the important facts (in point form)!

-if your X sends a message and it is not urgent, ALWAYS give yourself 24 hrs to respond so that an expectation of immediate response is not established and expected. This also gives you time to consider/think/edit your replies!!



Finally, you shouldn't confuse how you're feeling with how you're doing. Dealing with a split and custody issues can be stressful: emotions can run the gamut, and can be very inconsistent from day to day (and sometimes even from hour to hour)!!

Best of luck!

Kylie - posted on 05/12/2012

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It seems to me like he's just trying to get at you.

If he really wanted more time with his child he'd find the time even to come to your place and see him. If he really cared about your daughter he would never say that he wouldn't take her if it went to court.

It seems to me that he want's you to be to scared to take him to court, cause he doesn't want to have to man up and be a parent.

Make sure you have everything recorded. So if you do take it to court the judge can see what you are saying is not unreasonable.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
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Ali - posted on 09/22/2013

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My children's father hasn't seen them since February 2013. He then moved to Florida without letting his children know. He didn't contact them the whole time he was in Florida nor did he call them on their birthdays. Now that he is back in the same state as us he has tried to take me to court twice to lower his child support and obtain more parenting time but failed to show both times. He is now taking me to court for a third time and is asking for them to sleep over where he is living every weekend. He is living with his mother and her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment. I'm just wondering if a judge would grant his sleepovers every weekend if my children wouldn't have their own beds to sleep in. And if a judge would grant him every weekend leaving no time for me to do things with them?

Julie - posted on 08/26/2012

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My five kids grew up without a dad... (died)

You are SO important in that boy's life...



Register with Child Support Eenforcement Bureau in your area and it will cost you nothing to register that you pay and then the mom is legally bound to visitation -



You should have him at least every other weekend and every other Holiday, etc.

♥ spend as much time with him as you can... No one is promised tomorrow ♥

Julie - posted on 08/26/2012

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My five kids grew up without a dad... (died)

You are SO important in that boy's life...



Register with Child Support Eenforcement Bureau in your area and it will cost you nothing to register that you pay and then the mom is legally bound to visitation -



You should have him at least every other weekend and every other Holiday, etc.

♥ spend as much time with him as you can... No one is promised tomorrow ♥

Mike - posted on 08/26/2012

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Hello,



I have a son that is 7 years old, he was a big surprise. His mother and I were never married. I've been paying child support since he was born and I pay half for the sports that he's involved in. His mother and I have never been to court. I don't get my son every other weekend and when does sleep over he only sleeps over for one day. This year is has only slept over twelve times. I only have my son for three to hours for Christmas and fathers day, I don't have him for the summer where we can go away on holidays together.



I have tried and tried to have more access to him bnut will not give me more access. I'm now thinking to stop paying her child support until we can come up with an arrangement.



I don't want to go to court and spend all that money that I can put away for my son because we all know the court system wants our money.



What should I do?

Tobie - posted on 05/19/2012

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Cece - your original posts imply that you do not want your son's dad to have mid-week visitation with him because he's in school at night (for the time being), even though he has made care arrangements with your son's grandmother for that time he's in school. I have been to court many, many times and I will tell you, the court loves to push the standard order, which in most cases, includes mid-week visit with the non-custodial parent. If he tells the judge he has care lined up, especially with grandmother, he will most likely get mid-week visit. And the fact that he won't be there because of school (bettering himself to possibly make more money) goes especially in his favor.

Cece - posted on 05/18/2012

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Connie... Our son is 2 years old. My ex and i were together for 4 years and yes that is his son. My daughter is not his but he has been around since she was 2years old. And he still takes care of her and she knows him as her dad! He is a good dad on the days he sees him. That is how we setup visitations (without going to court) was that he would see the kids every weekend but that some weekends would be sleepovers. The last 2 weekends he hasnt see them but he says he will this weekend. We will see.

Cece - posted on 05/18/2012

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Tobie.... We do not have court appointed anything!!!! Im not selfish in any matter regarding my kids. My son lives with me. Has since the day he was born. I suggest you read things before you ASSUME you know the situation. I have put it out several times, plainly that i do not want to keep my son from his dad!!

Tobie - posted on 05/17/2012

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Why should the parental grandmother go to YOU to spend time with her son's child during his court appointed mid-week visitation? Get real! Don't be one of those selfish bio moms who think all things must go through them! You should always be thinking...what is best for my child? Spending time with dad and his family is important for your child! He is half of them as well as half of you. He deserves to have a relationship with both sides. If dad is at school and arranges for special time with grandma, it's good for him! Put your own feelings out of the picture.

Connie - posted on 05/16/2012

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He's probably gone from 7-7:30 am til 9:30 pm. When would he have any time with your son? You also did not say how old your son is or how long you were with your ex or if your son is also his son. Possibly the courts would let him have your son every other weekend but I can't see him getting anymore time than that.

Kristi - posted on 05/13/2012

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Only you can know what you feel is best. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You have to do what is right for you. I have never dealt with custody agreements. So you are 100% correct about not really knowing if you haven't been there. I just wanted to point out a few things that I saw. I wish you the best. Please update once its all figured out.

Cece - posted on 05/13/2012

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Yes he is. I feel like i am doing the right thing. Most dont agree with me, but i guess until someone is in your shoes they dont truly know your situation. We made this arrangement because he didnt want to have our son every weekend.. He said he was fine with just every other weekend. And now he is changing it. I know the weekend that my son spent there he had friends over but i dont know if there was drinking. Im not looking for any negative information on m sons father. I truly want whats best for my kids.

Kristi - posted on 05/13/2012

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I understand you want them to be in his life, but most alcoholics can't just put the drink down for a weekend. So if I were you, until there is an agreement I would not do overnights. I probably wouldn't let him take either unsupervised. But that's just me. Your the mom. You need to do what you feel is right. Trust your mommy instincts. They are their for a reason. Is he on your sons birth certificate?

Cece - posted on 05/13/2012

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Thank you Kristi!
You are right about the loyalty, although i like her; i do know that i cannot fully trust her. Especially when it comes to her son.
They have only had him one weekend since we've slipt up. His choice.... The other weekends he could have slept over with him, they've decided to do other things and drink. They both drink... And their drinking is not to the point of just for a good time, but to get drunk. They dont stop after a few... They continue on till they are too the point of stumbling over and whatnot... And then drive home! I know this for a fact about both.. especially him, as that is the times he calls and texts me professing his love and then getting angry because i dont tell him back. He admits to doing it often.. Every weekend, because he says he has nothing else to do, likes doing it and doesnt plan on stopping. HE has had a dui before and doesnt think he will get another, That no longer is my concern for his safety.. But i do want my son and daughter to have him around.

Kristi - posted on 05/13/2012

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You need to look into "Right of first Refusal". That means if your son is with his father and decides to go out and get a sitter he has to contact you first and give you the option of having your son during that time. Also, it sounds like you like your ex's mother. You need to be careful. Her loyalty will always be with her son. I'm not saying this will happen but she might be trying to get him to get more time because she wants more time. Just because she acts nice to you don't be naive. Just be careful with that situation. If he loses in court she could go for Grandparents rights. Look up the laws in your state for GP Rights. You need to power yourself with knowledge.

Go check out this forum. They are very blunt but can really give you great advice.

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a...

Good Luck. Does he and his mother drink? Do they drink when your son is there?

Cece - posted on 05/13/2012

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Thank you Nancy! During this i have stayed nice, and not stooped to his level. What i came on here for was, a place to vent and to destress! Ive contacted my lawyer and we do have a plan of action. I have been through this before. And i also went into thinking because i am the mother and have never done drugs or had a dui or anything of that nature that they would see it was in the best interest of my daughter to be with me.... It didnt work that way, they allowed him supervised visits. I knew they werent going to last and wish i could have spared my daughter that hurt all over again, but the court system did not see it the way i saw it. I cant change that. I dont want my son to WITHOUT his father. That is not my reason. Those threats or what he calls them "promises" are scary. And i needed someplace safe to express my feelings. Again i dont want my son, or even my daughter to not spend time with him. Thank you

Cece - posted on 05/13/2012

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Like ive stated before... I do not object to him having more time with him. And the weekend arrangement was meant to accomodate his schedule. If his mother wanted time with my son, then she would call me.

Tobie - posted on 05/13/2012

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Most standard orders give the non custodial parent a 3-hour period one day each week, usually on Wednesdays. Why shouldn't he get that time? He has care lined up for the boy with another family member. He's not going to be in school at night forever. Let the boy have the 3-hour period once a week to spend with his grandma. If you object to giving dad and dad's family 3 extra hours a week, I'd have to agree with the dad's "selfish" description....sorry.

Angelica - posted on 05/13/2012

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I took my ex to court fr full custody and child support (2 sepatate hearing/ judges) and won with out seaking any legal representation. Do not allow him to threaten you and do not be afraid of the legal system. You could arrainge it that he is mandated to pick up the child at a police station by a certain time and if he fails to comply you can file a compliant. After a certain amount of docented incidents he can take him back to court and have his rights taken away. If he cared, he wouldnt be trying to give you hell. Think about using the courts as a form of protection fr yourself and child rather then some place scary and to be avoided. The other mom is right. Document the threats and if their are recordings keep them.

Cece - posted on 05/13/2012

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Thank you shannon!!!! I will definitely do all that!! Thank you to all who have commented... It has helped me alot. To no longer feel sad and hurt by the situation. Im starting to see him as they person he IS, not the person i HOPE for him to be.

Suki... im sorry that you are going through this.. With my daughter, her "father" has a felony charge on his record, and they were going to bypass that. But my lawyer fought and fought to get what we did, which is supervised visits.. He doesnt excercise that anymore so it really isnt an issue. But you are right that the law is no longer primarily with the mother.. It is true that kids do need both mother and father, but in some instances i dont believe they do. But that is just me. I hope that they soon wake up to the person your ex is. I will keep you in my thoughts!!

Suki - posted on 05/13/2012

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I have, and still going through a battle with my Ex, I don't want to frighten you but the Law is so messed up!!!!!! and is making sure fathers have the rights to see their children. My ex made 3 suicide attempts and was sectioned, is a alcoholic dos drugs, and the court still went totally against me and gave him the right to see my eldest son and now granted him permission to see the baby(18 months) who he kept denying was his child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All depends hun, what judge you get and how good your solicitor is,
Sorry i am not one to tell you what you want to hear, certainly going through the hole damp thing myself and feeling so disgusted with the LAW!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon - posted on 05/13/2012

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What a difficult situation. The best advise is to try to remove any/all emotion and negotiate as if it is a business deal:

-state what you want/think is best and why. In your case, precedent has set that your son has been with you weekdays, as you have always been the primary caregiver since birth.

-Create a Schedule A which factually states your relationship history in a chronological fashion (background-when met, child of the relationship, any health issues, date of separation)

-Also create a Parenting Plan of what YOU want...make it very clear (see attached sample below for Ontario, Canada)

-Always investigate your rights to the full extent of the law to have as a starting point and then negotiate backwards....knowledge is power.



As women, we are generally more emotional and compassionate. Unfortunately in situations such as this, it does us a great disservice. I have discovered that many women HOPE/believe that x-partners will have more compassion and understanding, as they constantly doubt that "s/he" would ever do "that" for the sake of the children. Best of luck!!



DRAFT WITHOUT PREJUDICE

PARENTING PLAN



JANE SMITH & JOHN DOE



This parenting Plan pertains to the care of the child by the biological parents that being:



MOTHER-Jane Smith

FATHER-John Doe



This Parenting Plan pertains to the child born of the relationship that being:



Child’s Name Birth Date Age (years)

Sam Smith-Doe d/m/y





1. CUSTODY AND ACCESS



As agreed July 28, 2012 the mother and father shall have joint custody of the child named in this parenting plan and the child shall have access to their father as follows:



Every other weekend from Friday at 7:00 p.m. to Sunday at 7:00 p.m.



In the event of a long weekend then the access exchange shall be extended to the Monday evening at 6:30 p.m.



The child will receive their evening meal with their father on his scheduled access, and he will ensure that any medications will be administrated.



The parties may consult with each other on all issues for the child regarding education, medical and dental, and other parenting issues of importance, however the final decision shall be made by the mother. A service provider agreement will be signed and provided so that the father can take it to all Dr's, counselor’s, schools giving them permission to share information regarding the child.



2. LOCATION OF CUSTODY AND ACCESS



The Mother, Jane Smith resides at:

Address: (905) 789-1234 home/work

Whitby, Ontario (289) 555-1234 cell

L1R 2H9 janesmith@hotmail.com





The Father, John Doe resides at:

Address: (905) 555-1234 home/work

Oshawa, Ontario, (416) 555-1234 cell

L1G 2X5 johndoe@yahoo.com





3. LOCATION OF PICK UPS/TIME



The child shall be picked up for their access at the addresses provided above in Section 2 of this Parenting Plan.



Should an event occur that will make the father late picking up or dropping off the child, then it is his responsibility to inform the proposed new time and reason for the lateness with 24hrs advance notice and no later than 2hrs prior to the scheduled times of 7:00pm



Pick up and drop off time should be no sooner or later than 10 minutes before the prearranged time of 7:00pm.



4. STATUTORY HOLIDAYS



The Christmas Holiday schedule shall override the regular access holiday.



In even numbered years the child shall reside with the mother from the first week of their school Christmas break. The child shall then reside with the father for second week of the holiday break. In odd numbered years the child shall reside with their father for the first week of their school Christmas break. The child shall then reside with their mother for second week of the holiday break.



In even numbered years the child shall reside with their father from Christmas Eve at 1:00 p.m. to Christmas day at 1:00.p.m. In odd numbered years the child shall reside with their mother from Christmas Eve at 1:00 p.m. to Christmas day at 1:00.p.m.



SUMMER HOLIDAYS



Both parents are entitled to a minimum of a week uninterrupted vacation with the child during the months of July and August.



The father shall give this in writing to the mother by May of each year indicating his intended holiday time.



MARCH BREAK/ CHILDRENS BIRTHDAY/HALLOWEEN



The above named Holidays shall not override the regular access schedule unless the children wish it to.



MOTHERS DAY/FATHERS DAY



The parent with the entitlement to that holiday shall have the child from 10:00am until 6:30pm unless the regular access schedule applies.



Each parent will encourage the other to shop for gifts for the parent celebrating that particular parental day.



HALLOWEEN



As long as the child wishes to do so, the parties shall alternate having the child for Halloween each year with the mother having the child for Halloween on even numbered years In odd numbered years the father shall have the child for Halloween from after school to drop off at the mother’s residence by 10:00 pm that night. Alternatively, the father is welcome to participate in taking the child out for Halloween in their primary residence neighbourhood as he has done since 2007.



THANKSGIVING WEEKEND



In odd numbered years the mother shall have the child for this weekend from Friday after school to Monday night at 7:00 p.m.



In even numbered years the father shall have the child for this weekend from Friday after school to Monday night at 7:00 p.m.



EASTER WEEKEND



In odd numbered years the father shall have the child for this weekend from Thursday after school to Monday morning drop off at school.



In even numbered years the mother shall have the child for this weekend from Thursday after school to Monday morning drop off at school.



4. MOBILITY



The parents agree that their respective residences will be where the child shall reside during their access with each parent.



The parents agree to inform the other parent within 60 days of a proposed change in residence in writing. The parents agree that access pick up shall remain in effect unless the distance of the proposed change in residency exceeds 70 kilometers in which arrangements for pick up shall be reviewed with a view to change.



5. EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES



The parents may first consult each other and agree on all extracurricular activities. Neither parent can unreasonably withhold permission regarding extracurricular activities.



Each parent shall pay all associated costs in proportion to their respective incomes.



The parents agree that the child shall be enrolled in no more than 2 sporting activities per season not including school activities.



For all school activities either or both parents may attend the activity.



With respect to the invitation to birthday parties and events, the parent who has access at that time will be responsible for the RSVP, the transportation arrangements and the purchase of the gifts or items required of the event.



6. DISCIPLINE IN BOTH HOMES



Both parents agree that it is important to implement structure and stability in both homes.



Both parents agree that the same rules of the home should be applied to both homes in order to maintain structure in both. This applies to enforcement of bedtimes, supervision of homework and the administration of medications.



Both parents should structure acts of discipline in the same manner.



The parents agree not to criticize the other parent’s household rules, family or activities with the child. Each party shall respect the diversity and dynamics of the other family unit.



7. EXTENDED FAMILY AND STEP PARENTS



Both parents agree that it is important for both children to have a loving relationship with their extended family members. Both parents shall encourage and support the children spending time with each of the parent’s extended family.



9. DOCTORS/DENTIST



The parents acknowledge that the child’s doctor and dentist shall remain the same.



The child shall be medically cared for by the primary care providers who are:



DOCTOR: located at (full address)

TELEPHONE NUMBER:



DENTIST: located at

TELEPHONE NUMBER: (905) 683-2544



SPECIALISTS USED: Dr. X, Pediatrician





The mother shall the responsible for making all appointments in relation to medical and dental and may consult with the father prior and after each appointment. A service provider agreement will be signed and provided so that the father can take it to all Dr's, counselor’s, schools giving them permission to share information regarding the children.



10. EMERGENCY CARE DECISIONS



Should the necessity arise that a parent must seek emergency medical care for a child, then they shall have authority to make any required emergency decisions.



It is the responsibility of the parent that is with the child to notify the other parent as soon as possible and allow the other parent to attend and participate in making any further medical decisions.



11. EXTENDED MEDICAL/DENTAL



The father shall maintain the mother and the child on his extended medical and dental coverage until spousal and child support terminates.



Any expense not covered by the said plan shall be paid by the parents in proportion to their respective incomes.



12. POST SECODARY EDUCATION



Both parents agree that it is in the children’s best interest to further their education after High school.



Both parents agree that any decisions pertaining to the school and courses shall be discussed with both parents and the child.



The costs of school and any associated costs after any OSAP loans, or other contributions, shall be paid by the parents in proportion to their respective incomes.



13. NOTICE OF ASSESSMENT/INCOME TAX RETURN



Both parties agree to exchange their income tax returns for the prevalent year on or before June 30th of each year.



Both parents agree that all costs associated with the children shall be shared proportionate to their income as assessed for that year.



14. COMMUNICATION



It is important and crucial that the parents maintain open communication with regards to the child(ren).



Each parent shall make their best effort to communicate via phone or e-mail. For important matters regarding the children, the parents shall phone.



The applicable e-mail addresses and phone numbers are listed above in section 2.



15. INVOLMENT IN ACTIVITIES



Other then school activities, each parent shall only be involved in the children’s activities during their time with the children with no exceptions allowed. If there is a need for anything more then that they shall both be involved equally.





16. SUPPORT PAYMENTS



All support will be enforced by the Director of the Family Responsibility Office as per the court order of July 28, 2012. Support to be adjusted annually based on the exchange of Tax returns, attachments and notice of assessments by June 30th each year. Any adjustments to support based upon the exchange of said assessments shall commence on August 1 of each year.



17. GENERAL



The mother shall retain the child’s passport, OHIP card and birth certificate. The father shall receive a copy of the OHIP card and the passport shall be released to him if required to travel and shall be delivered back to the mother when the children are returned to the mother’s residence.



All section 7 expenses shall be paid in proportion to the parent’s respective incomes.



In the event of a dispute over any term in this agreement or any other parenting related issue the parties agree to consult their attorney and /or attend mediation. The parties shall jointly appoint a mediator.



The father shall maintain life insurance, naming the mother as beneficiary, for security of spousal support, child support and section 7 expenses in the amount of $1 million for as long as support payments are required.



Dated at this day of , 2012





Jane Smith



John Doe

Cece - posted on 05/12/2012

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They told me that, we will obviously have to fight it if he files!
Ive gone through mediation with my daughters "father" And it was a long process... He has supervised visits which he no longer bothers to do. This ex was with me the whole process so of course he knows what goes into it.
Either hes scared he wont win or he is fibbing about wanting more time with him!

Zee's - posted on 05/12/2012

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Probably not likely if he is working and going to school. Contact your attorney.

Sandy - posted on 05/12/2012

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Hello, I just had to reply...and hope it helps.

I am in the midst of a divorce and the entire process has really open to my eyes to the reality of process.

First of all, I'm not sure what state you live but laws can vary. But, believe the same laws apply for married couples and for common-law.

There a lot of comments about judges reading emails or listening to voice mails, etc. In reality, the judge would request that you and your ex deal with differneces in mediatation - they don't do all the stuff we thing they do - unless it goes beyound point where couples have exhausted ALL other resources for a common decision.

The only time a judge would step is if there is true neglect or abuse of the child.

I would call your EAP (if you work provides one) and have a one-hour free consult with a divorce-attorney.

I would also advice seeking advice from a child psychologist - and, have you both meet with the person and here from a professional what is BEST for your child and they will take into consideration the age as well. And, they can make suggestions on what is best for your child - which is more than likely not condusive to your ex's schedule. But, if he hears it from a professional he's more likely to be wiling to nego parenting time.

Your ex sounds unreasonable and mediatotors will point that out to him - or, child psyh.

Keep in mind - a judge typically will not "grant" anything until you have gone through mediation....

Cece - posted on 05/12/2012

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i spoke to the laywer i had when i went for custoday for my daughter and they said to wait for him to file. A) he will have to file in the county my son lives in and B) it will mean i dont have to pay. I have nothing against my son seeing his dad. That is not the issue. The issue i have is the custody thing... whether or not he will have him 50/50... We agreed when my niece was doing that with her parents that all it did was confuse her and he didnt think that was right. Now that we are in the situation he doesnt care about that. Its not whats good for the kids its always about what he wants.... That is his concern. How he looks to everyone. I know he loves our son, but he is not willing to give up his alone time. His concern and main argument is that he wants to have fun and hes 30 and can do what he wants.. Which of course is true. But he knows and i know that he doesnt want to stop drinking and going out.. So why take my son on those days you dont plan on being home? Doesnt make sense.. He's been with me everyday for 2 years... my ex has only seen our son weekends since he was born. Because he did not want to move out of his moms house. But again that is the past... My concern is my children, and having a stable healthy loving home.

Mary - posted on 05/12/2012

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Because he works and goes to school I do not believe that a judge will grant him visitation. My advice to you is to get a lawyer ASAP and have him file a motion in the court for custody and vistitation. Also have things spelled out the first time you go. The parent who files first usually wins. I went through this with my ex. I made the mistake on not spelling out the visitation for my ex. But at the same time right now its workin to my advatage. He has not seen our kids since Aug of last year. That is he choice by the way. He wants the kids when he wants and not in the best interest of them. That was my mistake.
As long as he is paying child support he does have the right to see the kids. But on custody, depending on what state you live in you may have to share joint custody but you can go for primary residence. I do believe that your son has every right to see his dad but if he is going out and getting drunk when he had the kids, that may not be in the best interest of the children. A suggestion that I have started is I don't talk to my ex on the phone anymore, everything is in writing on email.
As of his mom, I agree with one of the comments I read. You need to find out if his mother is working with him just to see the kids. She needs to back out and let your ex and you make the decisions concerning your children. If there is a lot of contention in his home between his mother and him that may not be emotionally safe for your children or even just your son. Putting a child in the middle of arguments will hurt the children in the future, emotionally.
Good luck to you.

Shanteel - posted on 05/12/2012

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I was young when I want to court, it is hard but all you can do is keep your chin up, I took notes myself and it helped me. Hopefully he does realise what he is doing to the children.

Cece - posted on 05/12/2012

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Thanks!
I know this will be a long ugly battle... And im keeping notes of everything. So i hope that in the end he grows up and looks at to what he's doing to the kids.

Amee - posted on 05/12/2012

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From a legal standpoint, unless either parent can prove that the other is unfit, the courts will likely grant joint custody. As long as he is not introducing the child to the partying, it won't matter to the courts that he chooses to party. It also won't matter if he chooses to have someone else care for the child while in his custody either, unless court decree states otherwise. Lifestyle choices rarely have merit when it comes to custody or visitation. If he is maintianing contact with the child he will likely be found just as fit as you. I've been there and it doesn't always make sense but the courts look at parents rights - both, not child's rights. The court decree I have with my ex addresses these things. 1) Neither of us are allowed to consume alcohol or illegal drugs while in the presence of our son or within 4 hours of exercising custody/visitation. 2) Neither are allowed to have overnight guests of the opposite sex unless they are family or a spouse. 3) In the event we are unable to care for our son in excess of 4 hours, we are to give the other parent first opportunity to care for him; and short of an unforseen emergency, we are to provide advance notice that we are unable to care for him. If any of these three things are not met, it is outlined in court decree that we will be held in contempt and therefore risk losing custody/visitation. For me, it would mean losing custody, for him losing visitation. We mutually agreed after several years of going back and forth that I was the better fit parent regarding custody, giving me primary custody and him visitation. No matter how you feel about his lifestyle or choices, as long as he is not putting the child in harm, as a parent, he will have rights just as you do. It may not seem fair but dividing a family never is. It's not perfect but you will make it work. And regarding your daughter, I went through the same thing. He tried to hurt my oldest son in order to hurt me but all it did was make my oldest resent him and thankful he was out of our lives.

Shanteel - posted on 05/12/2012

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yes he should want to see his son more and not go out drinking, with the threats he is just hurting you. As he know that it will work, fair enough he does give you money but I think he need to think about your son more and not get drunk with his mum. And she needs to start standing up to him 30 and still living at home the man has no responsible, I don't think any judge would let him see your son the way that his behaviour his

Cece - posted on 05/12/2012

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I have no problem with my son seeing his dad....I just think if he's going to see him, he should be there.

Shanteel - posted on 05/12/2012

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I spilt with my ex 5 year ago, we when to court I have whole custody of our to boys, and the judge granted him residence order were he gets them every weekends, half terms and every second Christmas. Due to the law changing, if your child was born after 2001 then he has the right to see your son

Cece - posted on 05/12/2012

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Those threats were made the first time when he was drunk and i made the mistake of answering the phone!
He is a child, and his mother enables him to continue to act that way... He is 30 lives at home doesnt pay rent or anythinf for the house. He drinks to drunk status with his mom. His mom, lets him do what he wants and talk to her in any way he wants. They walk on egg shells over there when he is angry.
He knows me very well and knows the things to say and do to hurt me.. My kids have always been that thing he can use! He gives me $400 a month... We dont have any child support agreements.
I have contacted my lawyer from my previous custody case. And they advised me to wait for him to serve me with the custody papers and we can fight from there.. They think it is empty threats. I mean if he really wanted to have him more, he would have filed the paperwork already right? Instead of just threatening to do it... If he wanted more time with our son, he wouldnt go out and get drunk on the times he was suppose to have him or could have him!
Thank you all for your advice and answers

Jenna - posted on 05/12/2012

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If he makes those threats hopefully you can get them in writing or voice mail. If he puts it on voice mail or in an email a judge can hear for himself what this guys motives are. The courts are funny and you have to put all your rubber duckies in a row. LOL it will be okay don't let him threaten you, he knows he is pushing your buttons and you let him by showing your emotions. I am no lawyer, but I have been down that road. Gain your courage and stop joining in the conversation. Do not respond to him change the subject act like you never heard what he said. Sometimes the best way to stop it is for you to change the direction. No fussing in front of the kids keep your composure. It is not about you all it is about the babies.

Melissa - posted on 05/11/2012

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Truth is it depends on the court system you are in and his lawyer if there is one.

Julie - posted on 05/11/2012

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Why would he want a child he has no time for...?

Is he paying Child Support?

Susan - posted on 05/11/2012

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Your ex sounds like a spoiled self centered man who never really grew up. It sounds to me like he wants to cause you emotional upheaval. Actions speak louder than words and any judge will see the real picture through his behavior. You could keep a journal/diary with dates and times and how things worked out... If you go to court that would come in handy to show the judge how things have gone.
You said you have no problem with the Grandma spending time with your son. Could it be a possibility that he is being encouraged by her, to have your son more frequently in order for her to see the granbaby more often?
If that is the case, and she is a good Grandma, you could consider making arrangements with her to spend time with your son, herself.
As long as she isnt the kind that would decide to try to take custody away from you. If she is, there could be alot more hassle ahead for you.

Cece - posted on 05/11/2012

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Yes, i agree.... Hes calling me selfish today. Because i wont let my son go there during the week. I feel im doing the best for them... He wont be spending alot of time with him. And my kids are attached to each other... We've been together everyday... He says because he has nothing else to do thats why he goes out and drinks!!!

Laura - posted on 05/11/2012

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I wouldnt be surprised if that wanes as this goes on...If he cared about either he wouldnt be out drinking and carrying on. I think a judge will see the same thing.

Cece - posted on 05/11/2012

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Well thats been her dad for the last 4 years. He claims to still care and love her. And hes called her his daughter for that time we were togtther

Cece - posted on 05/11/2012

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Its funny that he wont give up his party weekends! Hes fine seeing the kids during the day for a few hours... But he goes out and gets drunk later that day and the night before. He doesnt call during the week to talk to the kids. He doesnt call to see if my son needs anything. If/when he sees him is when he asks what he needs.

Jodi - posted on 05/11/2012

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I totally agree with you - there is no point if he is not going to be spending the time with him. I mean, its one thing if he works 8-5 and is spending time with him in the evening, but that's not the case. Chances are he won't see him at all.

Cece - posted on 05/11/2012

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His mom will be taking care of him. I have no problem with son and his grandma.. But his whole point is that HE wants to spend time with him. The weekend is fine! But he;s saying im selfish.

Jodi - posted on 05/11/2012

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Have you asked him what he plans on doing with his son on those weekdays when he isn't there for 14 hours? Even if you are working, it's hardly likely that you would be working those sort of hours. This is just simply NOT ok for the kids. I can't for the life of me see a judge agreeing to that.

Cece - posted on 05/11/2012

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I am a SAHM.... for now... I am looking for a job. We have not going to court, he threatens me with it all the time. He says he will get 50% custody and that my daughter from a previous relationship will be the one hurt because he will not take her when he sees our son. He gives me $200 every two weeks. He says if I go the court route he will make sure that it is hell and that he wins. I said he was being selfish and wasnt thinking about the kids at all, just himself. So he said he wouldnt make those "promises" again.. But tonight he said that I need to wake up before something happens....
I have custody of my daughter.. So im wondering if because of that will it hurt my chances of getting my son. I dont want to keep my son from his dad.. But he says he wants to see him more... Thats fine.. I made a schedule that would accommadate his social life... (one reason he decided to end things) So every other weekend is the sleepover time.. Which he takes both kids.. But the first sleepover planned with both kids.. HE decided to go out and get drunk!!
Am i overreacting?

Jodi - posted on 05/11/2012

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I'd say that given he is gone from home from early until late, it would be unlikely. If you are a SAHM, it would be beyond ridiculous for a judge to hand him over to dad on those days only for him to have to place him in childcare. It simply isn't in the child's best interests. Is it possible that he wants him on those weekdays because it reduces his child support commitment? A judge will see right through that - it's not like they don't see that one being pulled every day.

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