How many nights a week would you let you husband go to the bar?

Cheri - posted on 07/07/2009 ( 121 moms have responded )

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My husband likes to go to the bar two nights a week and I don't get to go out. On Tuesdays there has been times when he doesn't get home until 1:30. But on Firdays he does respect coming home at 10:30. I do have a big jeolous problem, because he works out before he goes and makes me feel he is doing for girls at the bar. And when I tell him that I might go out with him he gets mad, because he thinks i'm playing games with him and I'm checking up on him. I try and tell him and even letters i've wrote to him. That I would like for us to go out together and do things as a couple. But I don't think he wants to do anything with me. He will sometime take me and my daughter out to a movies she wants to see and out to eat. But I told him I want time with him. My husband is an alcoholic and he will not do much with us not unless it he can drink. I am a stay home mom and I take care of our 6yr old daughter and I tell him I need a break sometime. I told him that I want girl night if he doesn't want to go out with me, but he says i can't go to a bar. I went out last friday, because my daughter wanted to stay the night with my sister in law, but he got mad and thought i was up to somthing, so since he didn't ask me to go out with him. I went out to applebee's and sat up at the bar and had a drink and appetizer, He go mad because I sat up at the bar. He came home drunk like always screaming in my face and told my i crossed the line. He told me he was going to go without me and wait for some girl to come up to him and talk and then the next day he took my key card away from me because I used it to go out. My bill was only like $9.00. He hides money so I can't go any where. My question is how many times would you let your husband go out a week? Plus he will wrap hair around my toothbrush if he finds hair in the bathroom. I keep a very clean house and I do everything a wife is suppose to do. Should I just let him go out Tuesday and Friday, but if he takes the key card and doesn't give me any money where is my time to go out. I'm tired of not get to live my life also. Help!!!

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Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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This sounds like a much bigger problem than just going out a few nights a week, if you are not allowed then he shouldn't be allowed to either. Have you thought about leaving, it does not sound like a very healthy situation for you or your daughter. If your daughter were in this relationship what would you tell her to do?

Laural - posted on 08/07/2011

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You are in an abusive relationship. That he loves his bars is the least of your troubles. If you can't get him into couples therapy, and get him to admint to and begin to work on his alcholism, your best course is without him.

Tonie - posted on 07/08/2009

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I used to be in the same situation and I tolerated it because I thought he was a good guy, for the most part, and that this was just something (a phase?) he was going through. The paranoia (wondering what YOU were up to) increased and the issues got more and more serious as time went by. I tried counseling, and it worked for a while. For some, I believe it would work, but you both have to want it. I continued counseling on my own when he quit and found the strength I needed to do what was best for myself and my two daughters, who were 1 and 3 at the time. I didn't want them to be raised in a home with someone that set such an example with the drinking, yelling, obsessive compulsive behavior, and verbal abuse. It had escalated to physical abuse at the very end (He had the chance to hit me ONCE, and I left).

I hope that your husband doesn't escalate in this way, but I recommend counseling at the very least, to have someone help you see your way clearly in order for you to be able to make a decision on how you want to live your life and how you want your daughter to be raised. More children of alcoholics grow up to be alcoholics, and more children raised in abusive households grow up to be in abusive relationships. I can only say that I feared having my girls treated the way I was being treated. I have since found a fantastic guy that is a social drinker, but not abusive of alcohol, and the voices are occasionally raised, but that's natural. I would say that 95% of our days and nights are spent companiably and happily and I have never regretted leaving the situation I was in.

(As a side note, my ex husband did escalate in his behaviour and has since been jailed no less than 12 times due to alcohol, drugs, and abuse. Somehow he keeps getting out, but at least I was not the victim in his 8 year tirade)

Alicia - posted on 07/19/2009

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I KNOW ITS LONG, But at least give it a glance :)



I dont know, but in my experince when men act like that its never good. The question shouldnt be how many times a week but a month or a year. The bar is where you go to see and be seen, its where singles meet and hook up for a one nighter, and the fact that he is acting that way about you going with him should be a red flag, as well as the fact that he doesnt want you going into a bar. I feel for you especially since you have a 6 year old daughter with the man, but its not going anywhere good. I know alot of people are always giving advice, some from experiences or some from friends experinces... but Im telling you there are very few classifications that each man fits into and it doesnt sound like yours fits into a very good one. Put aside the fact that he is an alcoholic going to the bar, and the fact that he doesnt want to go with you, or that its a few times a week. He doesnt let you go, not because he loves you so much but because he knows what goes on... probably regretably from his own experiences. Youve had to of known this in your heart though hun. When your in a realtionship and jealousy and insecurity play a role, its not the type of long lasting efficient happy relationship your dreaming it could be. You know in your heart the outcome of this... Everyone will probably beat around the bush with you and put things gentley and in reality theyre not giving you the help you truly need. Your husband isnt the one for you, hes not really the one for anyone... hes one of those men that some of us women have to encounter to be able to learn something important about ourselves.. strenght, mind, any or all of it. This is not a man, rather someone whos to be treated as a one night stand, only there for one purpouse and one purpose only, he does not want nor is looking for a wonderful loving connection that two people share but rather someone to dominate and resent so that he has a reason to behave any way he wants. In his mind he blames you for the way he is or for what hes done or will do. It rationalizes it for him, but you need to remember that its not you, he was just born this way, or got it ingrained in his head somewhere along his road of life... The best thing that you can do is realize once and for all that you will be happier without him, and that your daughter will turn out 100 times better without seeing what your relationship with her father, to set her standard for the rest of her life...

[deleted account]

He sounds very controlling and he likely is hiding something. He's not your father. If you want to go out, go out.

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121 Comments

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Rosemary - posted on 07/27/2009

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I think a husband should NEVER go to a bar alone...period! I think if he meets a friend out every once in awhile it's ok. I used to be a single woman...and ring or no ring, when I went out I went out to party and be naughty. You definatly attract the wrong attention if you're at a bar alone and married. I absolutely think it shows that he doesn't want to be in his current situation.

Joann - posted on 07/20/2009

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Darling - Run don't walk to AlAnon - Take care of yourself and your children - he is an adult and however he wants to run his life that's his business - PLEASE GO TO AN ALANON MEETING they are only a $1 and its the best thing I ever did for myself and my family - People that are in these rooms can only understand what you are going through - Alcoholism is a disease - and through these programs that you will find help, friendship and the courage for you and your children - leave the rest to GOD

Joann - posted on 07/20/2009

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Darling - Run don't walk to AlAnon - Take care of yourself and your children - he is an adult and however he wants to run his life that's his business - PLEASE GO TO AN ALANON MEETING they are only a $1 and its the best thing I ever did for myself and my family - People that are in these rooms can only understand what you are going through - Alcoholism is a disease - and through these programs that you will find help, friendship and the courage for you and your children - leave the rest to GOD

Tisha - posted on 07/18/2009

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I think all us girls need to start being the Alpha females we need to be and stop letting these men in our lives treat us like door mats. Let me think back a bit weren't the words in your wedding vows, love honor and cherish? If you aren't being loved, honored or cherished. Its time to kick them to the curb and find a man that treats you how you are supposed to be treated. And in case you didn't know, when your partner restricts where you are allowed to go and takes away money from you so that you cant buy anything it is a form of abuse and there are programs for that. Women are stronger then men give us credit for. And just remember ladies, we know where they sleep and they should do well to remember one thing... dont mess with the one that makes your meals. Because the next one could be your last.

Sheryl - posted on 07/18/2009

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Please update us so we know what you are doing and that you and your baby are okay!

Cindy - posted on 07/17/2009

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Having been the daughter of an alcoholic I know first hand what you're dealing with. My suggestion is that you find a time when you can go to ALANON which is a support group for spouses and children of alcoholics. They will teach you how to cope. I left home as soon as I could get out of the situation. He divorced my Mom and his life went from bad to worse. Your husband isn't concerned with you or your daughter, he is concerned with himself. The addiction he has is in control of him and until he has been delivered from it it will be in control of you and your child until you leave. He is dangerous, controlling and cruel. Did you ever see the movie Sleeping with the Enemy? What you have said tells me is you can see that from where you are. WAKE UP! I know that some people like your husband can quit drinking and live a normal life. In my father's life he saw the problem ... finally when he was in his 70's and started going to AA he has almost 18 years sober. I cannot tell you how many lives he hurt in the years he drank. I was also drinking as a young adult and Jesus delivered me from the desire for it. I went to a church service went home and never have had a drink of any kind for over 20 years. PRAISE GOD! OH and as a point of caution and wisdom, You can't tell you husband how many times a week he's allowed to go to a bar... you're not his mother and he obviously doesn't care what you think. So quit fighting over it. Get away from him.

Jackie - posted on 07/16/2009

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Why is it that men have to be so controlling and not stand by us and let us do things and live our life also? A woman has more responsibility than a man does and yet we still can keep going. It gets hard and we do need a break. My husband wants to live the single life but then tells me that he wants to be with me. Im so confused by all of it and I thought that I was strong enough to just deal with it. Im finding it hard cause I want to go to school for nursing and he doesn't seem one bit supportive at all. I really would love for him to be supportive of what I am trying to do for my family. I really would love for him to notice me and want to spend time with me and go out with me but he goes out with others and to the places that I tell him that I want to go. He will go with friends and never take me anywhere.

Jackie - posted on 07/16/2009

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I'm kinda in a similar situation...my husband will go out with other people and he won't go out with me. He tells me that he wants to be with me and no one else but never shows that. He doesn't even seem like he likes to kiss me anymore. We have had our share of problems in our marriage and when we do he goes out more. The first time was when we were first married and he works at a store and made friends with this girl Michelle, they used to go out with her friends and they were all female. When I tried to explain that it is hurting me, it didn't seem to matter. I used to think he was having an affair. He told me that he wasn't and the marriage started to get better. Then last year he wanted me to be friends with this Michelle girl and there was nothing but problems. She used my husband to make another guy jealous, she rubbed his head and gave him a hug with my husband's head in her chest. I about freaked cause I was right there when she did it and it was done at my house. There was another instance where I opened my home to her, her boyfriend and other friends to my husband and this Michelle girl was nothing but mean to me. My husband always takes her side and has a problem with me. I just want to be put on a pedastal the way he puts this Michelle girl on a pedastal. When I try to explain to him how I feel it doesn't seem to matter much. I have become very jealous. I have asked that he not be friends with her and that has only lasted a couple of months. He recently lost his full-time job and now going out. The other night he went out and Michelle was there because of mutual friends and he doesn't understand that Im upset cause he will not keep his distance. I want to know why men are so stupid and can't respect their wives but will respect other women? Am I wrong to want him to end the friendship when we were married before they met and they were only friends for like 2 years?

Kathy - posted on 07/16/2009

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He needs to seek treatment and you should go to Al -Anon in addition to individual and marriage counseling.

Erika - posted on 07/16/2009

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Quoting Naomi:

Im in a similar situation. My husband goes to the bar every nite and isn;t in a good mood if he doesn't get a drink. I own my own coffee shop and work over 50 hours a week for very little wages and he gives me very little.
Do you know what I done!. I feel so proud of myself, I booked a holiday last year, and paid it off. it wasn'teasy but I done it. Im going next week and taking my 2 kids with me.
My husband isn't too happy, but I have made my stand and I am going and can't wait.
Time will tell if it changes his attitude to things when Im away and he has'nt me to run about after him.
Play them at their own game. It has took a lot of courage for me to do this, but I feel good Im doing something for myself and my kids and he ain't stoping me this time.
Well we will see how it goes.


You go girl!!! I am in the same situation...now i get up and go without his approval! He is more then welcome to come but if he doesnt then thats fine too.  I have been with this man for 7yrs and it took me 6yrs to finally get courage and to love myself enough to say u know what i deserve a vacation, i deserve a nice dinner, i deserve to love me.  Take care of you and yours....live for you!!!

Erika - posted on 07/16/2009

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OMG honey...that sounds like my relationship before until i finally put my foot down and took care of me...this is not healthy at all!!! He sounds like my boyfriend, pay in mind that he doesnt stop me from going out anymore but he is still very manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive. You have too love yourself or else u cant love anyone. And if putting your foot down doesnt make him stop i would suggest counseling or just leaving him. I been with my man for 7yrs and we have had our good times but a good share of bad times. He still a bit verbally abusive and controlling. But i go out with my friends, and i gotta say TGod for friends n fam...they are empowering me in a huge way that has made a difference in my own personal life. They dont change hun...maybe a lil but it can get worse. DO it for urself and your child. The whole hair around the brush that is abuse. Dont blame urself either, just open your eyes and take control of your life. Much Love n respect, Erika.

Donna - posted on 07/15/2009

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Cheri, I would be happy if the hubby would go out every once in a while. I have absolutely no problem with him going out, he rarely drinks, but the guys at his job could cause trouble (if you know what I mean). But, like you, I'm not allowed to have a night out on the town. I work a 9-5 job, then come home, cook, clean, dishes, put the kid the bed, etc, while the hubby is relaxing. The only breaks I get are when I stay at my friends house, or visit my brothers, but even then I still have the kid with me. Only difference is that he is pre-occupied with his friends or cousins. The hubby & I have had arguments about me going out with friends, now he tries to make amends (because he's scared of losing me), by saying I CAN go out, but only with MARRIED woman. His reasoning for this is that a married woman will now pick up a guy & leave me hanging. My friends wouldn't do that. Plus, I know if I were to mention going out with ANYONE, he would give me a really hard time with him, because HE would have to feed the kid & put him to bed. I don't have too many local friends, and all of my really good friends are single, so I haven't really had any chances to test this theory. I enjoy being around friends, and having a good time. Before I met the hubby, I used to go out & hang out with my friends quite often, that was almost 20 years ago. Aside from birthday parties, weddings, etc, I haven't really been out for a night on the town.

Christie - posted on 07/15/2009

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Read books by Patricia Evans and find some help for yourself ~ this man will not break out of his confused perspective without a jolt, especially with the alcoholism. It is not a secure home for you and the way he treats you is not fair to you or your daughter. Patricia Evans has great books on men like this - there is also one by Leslie Vernick that might be helpful. The Library should have them if you can't buy them. Google it on Amazon and look for what makes sense to you ~ Good luck!

Lori - posted on 07/15/2009

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First and most, you must take care of your daughter. Is this the relationship that you want your daughter to accept as a husband and provider? I was in a relationship for 28years to a man that was an alcoholic. Verbal abuse and cheating with women. You get the picture. I asked him to leave after his last affair of 3 years. Today I am remarried to a very nice man. I'm not saying to leave, but get some help through AA or with your church. You need to learn some skills to handle this type of abuse and stress. AT that point you may decide that he is out the door and let it hit him in the backside. He sounds like he is very controlling and that will not change, it will only get worse. He has no respect for you or your daughter and how can he if he is drinking all the time. I'm sure you stay with him because you love him or he is your daughters father, but stop and think about all the things that he had done or taken from you. You should be able to wake in the morning and know that your partner loves you and wants to help provide for you and your family needs. I think he has become so selfish because of the drinking he can not see what he has done. You'll make a decision to either continue in this terrible life (and it is) or you will find someone that can help you. I suggest AA or a group for abused women and children. Sound terrible, but you have your daughter to think about too. I believe in the heavenly father and he will help if you seek someone to help you. It will have to be someone much stronger than you right now. These groups have people that will help you gain support and knowledge.

Leanne - posted on 07/15/2009

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He is being manipulative, controlling & very cruel. If you stay in a relationship like this for much longer, he will eventually erode all that is left of your self-worth & you could fall into the trap of starting to think that this kind of behaviour & emotional abuse is acceptable - which it isn't. Remember the saying:" No-one makes you feel inadequate without your permission" this is what you are in effect, allowing him to make you feel about yourself. Your child is learning life lessons at this stage in her life & she would be better off with you alone than be subjected to this kind of man in her life. I hope you find the inner strength to make the decision to leave him & pick up the pieces of your life & start building up faith in yourself once again. A married man should not be frequenting bars on his own, he should have given that up long before he walked down the aisle & by him not wanting you to join him, indicates that he's doing far more than just having an innocent drink or two.

Angela - posted on 07/14/2009

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This man is your husband, not your father. He has no right to tell you when and where you may or may not go. It took just 1 relationship very young in my life to learn this type of man is insecure within himself and tries to dominate whomever he can to make up for what he feels he lacks. Take a stand for yourself and your daughter. Do you want to grow up thinking that this is a HEALTY relationship? Good luck Cheri.

Lanette - posted on 07/14/2009

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I think that once a week is pretty generous. I'm really more happy with once a month. I think if you're out at the bar all the time, you're sending out the wrong kind of signals to other people. Like maybe you're not happy with your relationship or whatever. I kind of have old school thinking where I feel like a couple should do things as a couple. Does he really have to go to the bar for drinks? Why can't he go over to a friend's house instead and have some drinks? I think twice a week is pushing it and I think it's wrong for it to be ok for him and not for you. You do deserve a break also and his behavior sounds a little fishy to me that he doesn't want you coming out with him. And the hair around the toothbrush thing, is just downright wrong and disrespectful. It sounds to me like he should be treating you a lot better. He has it pretty good for him to be treating you that way.

Fiya - posted on 07/13/2009

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usually when guys accuse women of cheating or saying they are going to it is because they are cheating. I would definately find out for sure. You really need to think about what your daughter is seeing because it is going to effect her for the rest of her life. Everything she sees is going to effect the choices she makes as an adult.

Jenny - posted on 07/11/2009

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The only way that your husband will change is if you change. We as woman tend to try and change our Husbands to how we want them to be. I am happily married to the same man for 34 years and have two great sons, daughter inlaws and two beautiful grand children one of 9 and one of 15 months. yes my husband was also a heavy drinker and lived in the bars, we hardly ever saw him during the weekends. By the Grace of God he changed his life in 1991 and this was done only by me being the best person that i could be and prayed for him every day and still do. He does not drink since 1991 does not go any where without me.... only to work. we are so in love. I trust him and He trusts me. We have Jesus in our lives. And that is all that matters. i will pray for the two of you.... Good Luck

Gina - posted on 07/11/2009

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Well...what is good for the goose is good for the gander...you both should be able to go out ....but if your man has a drinking problem ....I really don't want to BREACH to you but he should get help NOw before it gets worse. Imagine he needs a drink every morning before he goes to work ..that would really suck and for your daughter to see that is not cool ...cause she might think its ok to have a man that does that....also you should not let him yell in your face ...Gril you derseve RESPECT ..and leting him know that is very important...and you daughter will see mama get respect and think I deserve respect too. Why don't you guys sit down and each decided what 1 day off the week he will go out with the guys and one day a week you can go out with the girls then choose one special night were you guys can meet some where and role play like a Blind date it would be so fun for you guys.(too add a spark) LOL Don't forget that date night for the family we usually go out after church as a family and do fun stuff but NO DRINKING on this day just good clean fun....I hope I didn't breach to you too much but this is my opinion HOPE IT HELPS !!!!!

Anne - posted on 07/11/2009

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Cheri,



My first question to you is "how much do you love this man?" In case you do not know it, you are being abused by your husband. You and only you can put a stop to how he is treating you. I have never felt so awful for anyone in my life as I did when I read your

post. I have been married for 47 years to the same man. We were married at the ages

of 18 and 19. We both completed our education after marriage and have two children. This man has respect for me.

I think this is the key to what is going on in your life - there is no respect being shown to you by your husband the person who is suppose to love you more than anyone in the world.

Going to the bar is NOT the problem. He is not shouldering his responsibilities as a husband. By the way what do you do for yourself to make yourself happy with your life?

Does he do things for you? It surely does not sound like it. This business of wrapping hair around your toothbrush is absolutely crazy. I hate to be the person to tell you this honey--- but your husband is in need of mental help assistance (I am a Registered Nurse with over 40 years of experience).

I beg you to get help for your family. I am a person of Christian faith. I believe that God can make your life better ---- that is a choice you have to make.



Has he been to AA? My husband and I have many friends who attend and are doing very well. He does have to have outside help, not just you.



Another question --- if your daughter watches her dad treat you with such disrespect how are you going to feel when she gets married and thinks it ok to be treated as she

saw her mommy treated. She will think this treatment is normal.



For Heaven's sake make some serious decisions for your life and in the mean time I will be praying for your family. Since you are a stay at home mom, you might consider

getting a job or going to school to prepare yourself to take care of yourself and your precious little child.



You do not need to spend your life in misery --- as it appears you are.



God bless you.



Anne

LISA - posted on 07/11/2009

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Quoting Kate:

This situation isn't really about letting him go to the bar, but about him controlling you and your life. What he is putting you through is emotional and psychological abuse and you need to either get him to straighten out or you just pack up your little girl and get the hell out of there.

No person on this planet has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do, even if he does call himself your husband. He has no right to stop your access to money, and last time I checked, a wife does not automatically become a house slave after her wedding!!!

Be strong and stand up for yourself and your daughter. If she sees you letting yourself be treated like this by her father, she will only end up in similar relationship herself when she is older. Good luck honey! :)


exactly... if not for you do it for her

LISA - posted on 07/11/2009

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honestly girl... I hate to say i'd leave his ass... completely...you didn't list anything good in that... he doesn't treat you right at all...you could do much better...how long have you been with him... he needs help with his drinking and if he won't get it then tell him you are gone until he gets help... drinking can completely change who someone really is...

Kate - posted on 07/11/2009

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This situation isn't really about letting him go to the bar, but about him controlling you and your life. What he is putting you through is emotional and psychological abuse and you need to either get him to straighten out or you just pack up your little girl and get the hell out of there.



No person on this planet has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do, even if he does call himself your husband. He has no right to stop your access to money, and last time I checked, a wife does not automatically become a house slave after her wedding!!!



Be strong and stand up for yourself and your daughter. If she sees you letting yourself be treated like this by her father, she will only end up in similar relationship herself when she is older. Good luck honey! :)

Marabeth - posted on 07/11/2009

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Quoting Gina:

My advice is to leave him and the abuse. Don't tell him because he will try to stop you. He is only yelling now but it will turn to physical abuse. Believe me I know what I'm talking about. I was in an abusive relationship in my 20's. After you have left him and he wants to reconcile put conditions on it. He must stop drinking and get counselling or your relationship is over. Your child's mental health depends on it.



i agree.. also agree with the post about setting an example as a grown woman for your young daughter.  alcoholism easily turns into physical abuse.  you can argue that you love him and thats all very well but alcoholism changes your brain/actions while youre addicted.  if you leave then you have the power, not the alcohol.  youd have the upper hand to potentially rid your family of the booze.  god alcoholism sucks so bad, im so sorry you and your daughter have to go through that.

Amy - posted on 07/10/2009

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He can go as long a I can go with! If we don't have a babysitter, well then I'm sorry honey your SOL! I know it's hard to stand up to your husband, trying to avoid conflict and heartache because you KNOW what his reaction will be. No matter how hard you try, there will eventually be a blowup. try to work what you can out now, if it can't be done, seek help from a professional

Candy - posted on 07/10/2009

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Cheri, as I've sat here and read over many replies, I find it amazing that others can have such a strong opinion and throw such harsh advice towards your situation when you ultimately are the only one that can make the choice to do or not do anything about it.



I remember being the mother of a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and pregnant with a third when my life was turned upside down by husband's DISEASE of ALCOHOLISM. I was confused, angry, hurt, terrified, saddened, ashamed, devasted, etc., and so on. I did not know what to do or where to turn when I remembered I had been introduced years earlier to the 12 step program of Al-Anon, a recover program for friends & families of Alcoholics. I attended my first meeting almost 6 years ago in addition to attending open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous to learn more about the disease of Alcoholism.



After 3 years of attending meetings and his continued drinking, I chose to divorce him. There were a few questions I always had in mind. 1) Am I giving my marriage everything I have? 2) Can I continue in this relationship and keep my dignity and self-respect? 3) When I think about living the rest of my life, is he there with me? In the end, I was the only one that could answer these questions, take the action, and live with the consequences of the decisions I made. I have made many friends along the way that have walked the path before me and been there with me, I have not been alone, nor will you if you choose not to be.



I hope the best for you! www.al-anon.alateen.org

Leonie - posted on 07/10/2009

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Quoting Naomi:

Im in a similar situation. My husband goes to the bar every nite and isn;t in a good mood if he doesn't get a drink. I own my own coffee shop and work over 50 hours a week for very little wages and he gives me very little.
Do you know what I done!. I feel so proud of myself, I booked a holiday last year, and paid it off. it wasn'teasy but I done it. Im going next week and taking my 2 kids with me.
My husband isn't too happy, but I have made my stand and I am going and can't wait.
Time will tell if it changes his attitude to things when Im away and he has'nt me to run about after him.
Play them at their own game. It has took a lot of courage for me to do this, but I feel good Im doing something for myself and my kids and he ain't stoping me this time.
Well we will see how it goes.


 

Karie - posted on 07/10/2009

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Cheri,
I've only read a few of the posts here but most of them seem to be saying the same things. Like, you need to realize you are worth more than you, or your husband, are giving yourself credit for.
Also, you have to consider the probable consequences of staying in this situation. Think about the children you have.
Do you want your little girl to grow up and marry a "man" like daddy? This is what she is learning from you!!
Do you want your son to grow up and be like daddy? This is what he will learn.

I believe you have a lot of soul searching to do, and some hard choices to make. Here's some of my suggestions:
If you are a church-going lady, please speak to your pastor -his wife, or have him direct you to someone there to talk to.

Find your local women's shelter and ask them for help if you do not have family and friends. The women's shelter will offer you & your children counseling, shelter & safety. If you leave, please be aware that many women who decide to go back to their abuser (for whatever reason) do not survive the outcome.

Yes, he needs help, but he will not get it unless he wants to. You cannot change him. He has to do this himself. You can seek help/assistance from your local Al-Anon group. Here's a link to one of their sites (pay attention to the quote in the big box, it's speaking to you): http://www.12stepforums.net/alanon.html

I'm going to assume that when you begin to take these measures into your own hands, the situation at home will worsen. From what little you said in your post, I believe he may become violent some day. If this is a remote possibility... really try to look at your situation from outside yourself for a moment here... then you owe it to your kids to give them a safe & secure home. This is your responsibility as a your kid's mom. Part of that safe & secure home is having a good, healthy, mentally & emotionally balanced mother that is there for them all the time.

Have you ever heard of Dr. Laura? Here's another link for you to check out: http://www.drlaura.com/main/
All else fails, see if you can call into her show sometime and see what she thinks about your situation. If you can't call, read some of her books. I'll warn you, she is pretty radical and seemingly old fashioned in her thinking...

Sorry, I've rambled on here more than I intended. I hope you will be able to resolve your situation, and that your family will be whole & healthy someday. God bless you and your little ones!

Andrea - posted on 07/10/2009

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Plain and simple. You are in an abusive, controlling relationship! I've been through the exact same situation!!! Either he goes to AA and you go to counseling together to grow together...or he (or you) needs to leave! GO GET A JOB AND STASH AWAY SOME MONEY! Only YOU can make YOU happy! Find your strength
and do it!

Sandy - posted on 07/10/2009

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Girl, you have a handful! You are dealing with something much bigger than just how many nights a week a hubby should go out.

I want to say so much to you, but will say this. He is in need of treatment. Flat out. Not a darn thing will get better in your family's lives while he remains drinking. While he is sick, the whole family is sick.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Honestly, treatment must come first. If he refuses treatment, then you have the ball in your court. You leave him until he gets sober, for your sake, as well as your daughter's.

I grew up with alcoholics, and I know this with every fiber of my being. It will get worse. Please see that.

Take care.

Liz - posted on 07/10/2009

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i'm not sure what u mean by a key card...perhaps credit card? You should have your own, he has NO business treating u like a child and keeping any money or accounts away from you, his wife. My opinion, men, married men should not go out to bars unless they invite their wives to come with them, why not, they should have nothing to hide. Get a job. do Not stay at home, get a job, and stash away some money of your own so you can leave that SOB or be able to stand on your feet when the day comes that he decides to leave, because eventually if things keep going the way they are going there will be an end to this relationship. my opinion. been there done that.

Jennifer - posted on 07/10/2009

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Cheri I am sorry to hear that he is treating you this way. It sounds like he is holding it over your head that he is in control- makes the money etc. You have an equally important job which is raising your child. My advice to you would be to seek out some sort of help whether it be through a church or some sort of counseling. Then after you are strong enough make a plan to better your life. You and your daughter are being abused- he may not be hitting you but he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. The question about the bar is such a small part of the problem. Its acceptable to need some time with friends and go to a bar without your spouse but on a weekly basis and when he isn't letting you have time is not acceptable. Also, the fact that he is so worried about you cheating tells me that he is possibly not being honest with you. In my experience if someone is that jealous its because they are the one being dishonest and cheating so they think everyone is like that. You need to get out of this relationship of you and most importantly your daughter. First, get someone who can help you and talk to you without him knowing. Then, make a plan to get your life on track! I will pray for you! You have made one step in the right direction by making this post and I am sure you know its soo much more than going to the bar or not.

Karin - posted on 07/10/2009

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Hi Cheri - Life is too short to be in a marriage that has no trust or mutual respect. It's hard, but being a single Mom was the best choice I ever made. You need to set an example for your child.

Amber - posted on 07/10/2009

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Honey... Im in the same boat. My fiance goes out at least 4 times if not more... and also last night he got home at 1230, and a friend of mine had txt me tellin me he was all over a blonde chick here... my advice to you is get someone he DOES NOT KNOW,,,that u trust and let them watch him 4 u. Cause this only happens when im not with him. As far as the house goes i keep it clean to but if he see's one thing out of place he thinks the whole house needs to be re-cleaned. We will get through this together.... Keep ur head up.

Emma - posted on 07/10/2009

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I feel for you, you sound very unhappy. i think the reason you asked the question was to gain validation for what you already know. you and your daughter deserve a better life.
make an exit plan.

Lori - posted on 07/10/2009

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This is not a marriage. My first suggestion to you is to figure out why do you not love yourself and you child enough to remove you both from this control? Is he phyically abusive? Obviously he is emotionally and verbally abusive, no question. Think about how you are presenting this relationship to your daughter. What is holding you in this relationship. I am not an advocate for divorce, but I do believe you have to set boundries in your marriage, you are a person, equal to him, and you have the right to a loving spouse. If you are not getting that, it is up to you to make it happen. He has seem only submission from you so far without the self respect you should be showing him. He is in control and he knows it. Take back control of your life, but do it in a self loving self repecting way, a way that you can later look into the eyes of your daughter and know you did the right thing for both of you.

Laura - posted on 07/10/2009

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ZERO NIGHTS A WEEK. Look into getting advice and support, and perhaps get someone to sit down and talk to you both together and act as a mediator. Let him know just how hurtful and selfish he is being, not only to you, but to his family. Give him the chance to communicate, because their may be a reason why he is drinking so much.?? If he is not willing to work on trusting you and allowing himself to be trusted, to communicate with you as a partnership in marriage, then at least you can be fufilled that you gave the marriage your all, as you loved this person enough to marry them in the first place. Make sure you choose a time when your not angry to talk too.





You must be an amazingly strong woman I don't know how on earth you have the strength to stay? In my opinion it would be a relief to leave this abusive lifestyle and focus your love on your daughter and your future.





If he try's his nasty trick with the toothbrush again then use 'his' toothbrush to clean the toilet!!

Kathy - posted on 07/10/2009

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Quoting Cheri:

How many nights a week would you let you husband go to the bar?

My husband likes to go to the bar two nights a week and I don't get to go out. On Tuesdays there has been times when he doesn't get home until 1:30. But on Firdays he does respect coming home at 10:30. I do have a big jeolous problem, because he works out before he goes and makes me feel he is doing for girls at the bar. And when I tell him that I might go out with him he gets mad, because he thinks i'm playing games with him and I'm checking up on him. I try and tell him and even letters i've wrote to him. That I would like for us to go out together and do things as a couple. But I don't think he wants to do anything with me. He will sometime take me and my daughter out to a movies she wants to see and out to eat. But I told him I want time with him. My husband is an alcoholic and he will not do much with us not unless it he can drink. I am a stay home mom and I take care of our 6yr old daughter and I tell him I need a break sometime. I told him that I want girl night if he doesn't want to go out with me, but he says i can't go to a bar. I went out last friday, because my daughter wanted to stay the night with my sister in law, but he got mad and thought i was up to somthing, so since he didn't ask me to go out with him. I went out to applebee's and sat up at the bar and had a drink and appetizer, He go mad because I sat up at the bar. He came home drunk like always screaming in my face and told my i crossed the line. He told me he was going to go without me and wait for some girl to come up to him and talk and then the next day he took my key card away from me because I used it to go out. My bill was only like $9.00. He hides money so I can't go any where. My question is how many times would you let your husband go out a week? Plus he will wrap hair around my toothbrush if he finds hair in the bathroom. I keep a very clean house and I do everything a wife is suppose to do. Should I just let him go out Tuesday and Friday, but if he takes the key card and doesn't give me any money where is my time to go out. I'm tired of not get to live my life also. Help!!!


  You have so many replies that understand your situation and I am another, " GET OUT "



No man with a wife and child needs to go to the gym and after to a bar all the time without his wife, and then berate her for going out and threaten you about other women.



 Get a job it will bring your self confidence and self esteem to 50% of where it should be and then rely on you friends and family, they are extremely imiportant during these times.

Kathy - posted on 07/10/2009

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Quoting Naomi:

Im in a similar situation. My husband goes to the bar every nite and isn;t in a good mood if he doesn't get a drink. I own my own coffee shop and work over 50 hours a week for very little wages and he gives me very little.
Do you know what I done!. I feel so proud of myself, I booked a holiday last year, and paid it off. it wasn'teasy but I done it. Im going next week and taking my 2 kids with me.
My husband isn't too happy, but I have made my stand and I am going and can't wait.
Time will tell if it changes his attitude to things when Im away and he has'nt me to run about after him.
Play them at their own game. It has took a lot of courage for me to do this, but I feel good Im doing something for myself and my kids and he ain't stoping me this time.
Well we will see how it goes.


  You go mama and have a wonderful time with your kids, you deserve every moment of that vacation.



  I have lived what you are going through and keep your stand.

Angela - posted on 07/10/2009

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I would let him go, and tell him to never come back. He's probably accusing you of the things he is guilty of. A man that truly loves his family will make it a point to be there for his wife and the children no matter what. A real marriage involves both partners giving 100%. Saying and doing are two different things. He can tell you he loves you a million times, but if he can't show it then he's lying. You and your daughter deserve to be happy also, and you have to do whatever it takes to make it happen even if you have to leave him.

Mary - posted on 07/10/2009

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Hi Cheri. I sympathise with your situation. At first I thought it was only an absenteeism issue, but reading on, there is more to it than just that. Honestly this is a depressing situation. You cant say that just because he will give you time to live your life also will change the situation in the house..it will not! Sooner or later, you might find yourself drinking your depression away and guess what happens to your little girl when you are both trying to live your lives...she will be alone. You also cant say that because you do everything a wife is supposed to do so he should appreciate you more...whether you do everything or not - he should still respect you. It clearly shows he doesnt! An alcoholic husband is sure going to get violent at one point, reading your story, its just around the corner....have you shared this with your sister, she seems close to you. What is she saying about it, most times people who love us will give us good advises, and she is familiar with your husband, so she might be in a better situation to help you.

Conclusion - your problem is not getting time for yourself, your problem is realising your are in an abusive marriage. Maybe its time you took a break from the house and go stay with your sister for a while. All your husband is doing is hurting you and whether you see it or not, your daughter is being affected as well. When he is wrapping hair around your toothbrush, he is as sober as the day! So he knows what he is doing and he is doing it with an intention to hurt you. Most times housewives take time to get out of such situations because of financial support. You wonder whether you will manage without the money or what it will do to your daughter. Am not saying leave him permanently, but just go for a while.

Sherri - posted on 07/09/2009

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An alcoholic no longer thinks on a intelligent level. They think on an emotional level. He uses the bar to escape from responsibilities of home..Drink in freedom. If he kills someone drunk driving or you or your child drunk driving. Besides the jail time, financial hardship, you could lose more than the ones you love. If he is abusive it will get worse as the disease gets worse. You can do anything you set your mind to do. Let your children give you strength to make whatever changes you need to make.

Janelle - posted on 07/09/2009

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OH thank you thank you thank you, there are other mothers out there having to deal with the same problem i have. I have two school age children and a baby on the way and since my husband found out I was pregnant has been spending sometimes up to three evenings away from the family home. I am feeling used and abused by his doing this. He is not always going to the pub, sometimes to his mates place, but always involving beer. I am at home with the kids all the time and he has his out, when he goes to work. He says I have my time in the weekends to see my friends, and it never involves money, only petrol to get where I am gong. Am I being unfair, by feeling this way? My friends say he is being selfish and unfair. Help

Tracy - posted on 07/09/2009

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You have choices, honey! He is not being respectful to you, and he is not setting a good example for your daughter. Get out now before it gets violent. He has to make the choice to change, and he needs a wake up call. Good luck, sweetie!

Carlina - posted on 07/09/2009

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It's easy for someone to say ...."LEAVE HIS ASS!!!!" then for you to actually do it...
I would normally tell my friends with problem to try work things out and give advice to fix the problem but in your case....' LEAVE HIS ALCOHOLIC ASS!!!" Here..
1. He is an alcoholic- an addiction that can ruin yours and your daughters life, bad environment and example for your daughter.
2. Double standard - he cannot go to bars and hang out and expect you to constantly stay home and not do anything especially if he doesn't want to go do things with you..
3. Immaturity - So you go out and he flips and hides money and keys???? I dont know how old you guys are but thats too weird.
I know love makes us do and accept more than we should and weirdest things but there come a time when you need to start thinking for your kids and yourself.
I'm in a 16 year relationship and i'm 34.....have gone through some crazy things and up and downs but there's a reason why we are still together, I put my foot down on certain things and he gave in.....I refuse to put my kids through things because of my own or my husbands wrong doing. Good luck to you and I hope one day you will have the courage to put your foot down and take what you and your daughter deserve!!!!!

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Take your daughter and go to the nearest womens shelter. That is abuse and you do not deserve that.

Jaime - posted on 07/09/2009

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LEAVE HIM. He is abusive and will only get worse.

Your daughter needs to be shown what a healthy, supportive relationship looks like or she couod end up in the exact same position you seem to be in; and I am sure you want only happiness for her.

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