how much control should my ex husbands new fiance have over our 4.5 year old?

MoM Of - posted on 04/10/2012 ( 112 moms have responded )

6

0

0

Please does anyone know how much control my ex husband's new fiance should have over our 4.5 yr old?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lynn - posted on 04/11/2012

162

6

2

When I married my husband, he had two kids - his son was 8 and his daughter was 5. We moved out of state, and I started my home preschool. When they came to visit for a week during school vacations and four weeks in the summer, they were home with me. I enrolled them in art classes, and lots of summer activities with my Godson, who was also 5.

My point is, that if there was any discpline needed, I was the one who was taking care of them all day, so I certainly wasn't going to wait until my husband got home to take care of any issues we had. For example, when they were running around in the house during nap time, after being told repeatedly to be quiet while the little kids were sleeping, I made them go outside until they decided to be quiet. (In AZ in the summer, that IS a punishment!) I never spanked them, but I did raise my voice when they got paint all over their brand-new clothes that I had just bought, when I let them make an art project.

In my house, I am the one taking care of the kids (we have a ten year old son and an eight year old daughter now). I discipline other people's kids all day long, and I am paid to do so. If your son is with your ex-'s fiance, and he's not around, then yes, I think she should have the right to discpline him, if needed. I taught my husband a lot about raising kids, and he's a better father this time around, than he was when his first kids were younger.

I think you should do your best to get along with your ex and his fiance, because there's a good chance she'll have a big say in the rules of behavior in her home. Let's be honest - most women dictate how their homes are run, more than their husbands. Invite them over for dinner, and present all of you as united parents to your son. You'll have different rules, but if you all get along, you'll all be much happier, and your son will grow up much happier. Don't make it about who's in control - sometimes you will disagree, but if you have a good relationship, and treat them as you want them to treat you, your son will benefit from having three parents who all want them best for him.

Melissa - posted on 04/11/2012

4

12

0

People who are saying she should have no say in anything are just being catty. It's her house, too, and she should have some say in what goes on, especially if she is left in charge of him. Otherwise, he will be a spoiled brat when he's there, because he'll know he can get away with murder if she's not allowed to discipline him. Plus, if there are other children in the home that are hers (now or in the future), it won't be right if they have to have different rules. This is about doing what's best for him, not just having a power struggle. That said, his father should be his main disciplinarian and make most of the decisions regarding him, but you can't just throw her under the bus. However, if you don't want her spanking him, she has no right to and I would address that.

Molly - posted on 04/11/2012

2

1

0

You have zero say. It is up to your exH & his fiance to define her role. You decide what happens in your home. He decides what happens in his

Medic - posted on 04/10/2012

3,922

19

550

Ummm lets go for none....your child should respect her and treat her kindly but in all reality out side of that there really is not much she should be doing.

Emily - posted on 04/10/2012

2,233

8

295

What exactly do you mean by "control?" Generally, I think it's best for the natural parents to do the majority of the parenting and discipline, but since the fiance will be in your child's life too, she's going to have to have some parenting duties and be on the same page with your ex and you. If you're having concerns, I would address them with your ex, in a respectful way. Maybe set up a meeting with the three of you to go over things. It's about what's best for your child, keeping any animosity between the three of you out of it.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

112 Comments

View replies by

Kim - posted on 12/08/2012

1

0

0

I am a stepparent, and a mother. I feel all the children in a household should be treated equal, and that is exactly what went on in my house,......on my part. Our rules in our house should stand no matter if the bio parent liked it or not. It is not right that my child and his should have different rules. What does that show your children? I might have been more strict, but my house, my rules. I was the primary caregiver for both sides of our children. Punishments were the same, if I bought for one-I bought for them all, if one went somewhere, the others always had a turn. BUT.... No matter what happens, the "stepparent" always gets the short end of the stick.

My child suffered, as she once told me, at the consequences of the other children. She was always treated the same, even when the others were at the other parents. She always felt like we were more strict with her, but now she is a parent herself, she can see that the consistency of her discipline growing up, was for her best self, and she appreciates all of it.

As the "stepchildren" are grown and will start having their own families, I hope and pray they see it the same way, that I was able to give them something, equality.

But, as far as their father, they were treated differently because the "mother" didn't like this, or didn't like that, he would allow them to get away with things that my daughter didn't, that I tried to keep for rules in our house, that we agreed on .... it made it very difficult for me to be strong. What happened......DISRESPECT .... and that is exactly what I got from them, no matter how hard I tried. I stuck to my guns tho. They were not beaten, they were not hated, they were not threatened, they WERE loved. After 12yrs, it is still a struggle even tho they are grown. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't do anything different. "Rules" and "punishments" are two different issues, please make yourself aware of the difference. Being a stepparent is the hardest thing I have ever come across, please respect her space....unless your children are in true physical or mental harm.

Angela - posted on 12/07/2012

197

27

18

I absolutely love my ex's new girlfriend...they don't even plan on getting married but she is the mother of my children's halfbrother...my kids sometimes call her mom...she loves them like her own son...she is wonderful 2 my kids & I wouldn't have it any other way :-)

Wifeylewis2011 - posted on 12/07/2012

1

0

0

I am step mum to my husbands 4 year old and my husband is a step father to my 3 year old and i think that step parents have the same control as actual parents to pretty much the same extent apart from smaking! i treat my step daughter the SAME as my actual daughter and i have every right to! i cook for her, i bathe her, i buy her clothes, pick her up from school and everything an actual mum does so why should i treat her any different when she is in my home, around my daughter and care for her the same as my own child?!

i wont accept being treated like crap by a 4 year old weither it be mine or anyone elses. i am a part of my step daughters life and will be for the rest of her life and im not going to change because some people dont agree, everyone has a different oppinion to how to raise children and neither is wrong, just personal preference and good luck to everyone. every step parent deserves a pat on the back in my oppinion.

Bethany - posted on 08/18/2012

17

24

5

Dylan how come you feel the step mom cant have a say? Or know about the custody agreement? Where is the support, that's not going to teach a child to support people, that's going to teach them to walk away instead of helping. Isn't that promoting poor skills?

Dyan - posted on 08/18/2012

1

23

0

None. It isn't her kids. You deal with their father and him only. Yes, they are a couple, yes, they are getting married. However, it is not her job to step in.



You can all sit down and think of co parenting rules that both houses have that she can help enforce and you and him can discuss how she can displine your kids. However, custody agreements and what not are not her biz.

Bethany - posted on 08/18/2012

17

24

5

Roxanne I agree with most of your post except for the part about how a child shouldn't be home if the bio parent isn't there. If you expect your child to respect the step parent they need to be there with the child, please realize that being a stepparent isn't easy. Everyone has to work together, but I never feel its ok to act like the step parent does not matter as much as the bio parents. Remember respect is earned NOT given.

Roxanna - posted on 08/18/2012

110

53

16

My ex husband remarried a year shortly our divorce when our daughter was 4 years old. I took it upon myself to befriend his wife and work out a relationship that would work best for all of us. She pitched a fit and told my ex things that I did not say. My belief is that as mother and co mother, we need to work together for the good of the child. Put your differences aside and be an adult.
Unfortunately, my ex never took advantage of his visitation with our daughter and my girl did not have a bond with her co mother. So when I was ill and had to send her to her Dad's for ten months, my daughter sufferred greatly. She developed behavioral problems, her Dad is Military and was gone more than he was home and she missed me. Years later, I found out that her co mother spanked her on a number of occassions! I saw red! I very calmly spoke to my ex husband and he in turn spoke with his wife and my daughter to get the story straight.
Until my daughter turned 15, she had very limited visits with her father in his home, now she is an adult and can handle herself.
My ex husbands wife and I are not friends, but I only have to deal with my ex husband now, not her.
Keep that in mind. Talk to your ex husband, if he is not there, then niether should the child. If your child misbehaves and she is the one with him while dad is at work, time outs and take away privelages. But YOU need to stress to your child to respect HER, not because she is dads gf, but bc she is an adult.
Good luck!

Christi - posted on 08/18/2012

1

0

0

I hv a stepson and a set of twins of my own. I hv raised neighbors kids (lots of them). Explain to ur child on a childs level that just like they treat their teacher or principal in school its the same. A child bottom line should respect adults period. My personal opinion on ur raising beliefs would b write how u would like ur child raised. Then ask her to meet with u one on one without ex (ex's tend to blow crap out of proportion and call u insane) & explain why u want to meet with her & go over things & ask fiance if she ever feels like she is insure of her boundaries to call u. All the kids i hv raised respect me. Why? I tell all their parents i will treat them like my own & love them like my own. I had an ex recently write me a super long letter thanking me for the way i was with her daughter, she sd she was.scared & she told me that she wished more woman would respect like i did. Respect is huge!!! But dont get me totally wrong on the ex, i would try to find a way for u and the fiance to explain why u two want to.do this. Goodluck. And PS never spank a kid, it teaches them that hitting is ok!!! I torcher mine thru naughty spot, make them write letters of why they did what they did and how would they correct it. Teaching lesson, all kids r mischievious at least 10+ a week. I also pick and choose my battles. I

Bethany - posted on 08/18/2012

17

24

5

I have been the "new fiancé" and I'm telling you us all about communication...between you and your ex, him and his fiancé , and last and most importantly YOU AND HIS FIANCÉ! Everyone needs to be on the same page for that baby. You need to make your expectations clear about what is ok foe her to do and not ok and how you and your ex want your child raised. I would also stress no matter how hard or ugly things get...DO NOT trash talk the other side. And remember your goal is to raise your child the best way you feel is right. But I urge you to have a conversation with everyone soon.

Kelley - posted on 08/18/2012

1

0

0

No one, and I mean no one other than you and your childs Dad should be spanking your child should you and he feel is needed. You need to have a discussion with him and her about this. She should be addressing any issue she has with him or you and let you or him decide what is the best action to take even if it is a time out spanking etc... Its not her child and she should never make such decisions, its not her jon or her right ! Point blank!

Holly - posted on 08/17/2012

61

18

0

I personally think she should be nothing more or less than what a babysitter or daycare provider is or does for a child.

Entertain, supervise, play with and at the most give them time outs or something a teacher would do for punishment.

I wouldn't be comfortable with anything more than that.

Denise - posted on 08/16/2012

10

20

0

I'm not sure what you mean by "control" because I haven't read through all the comments. What I will say is this - if your ex is expecting her to have any sort of responsibility for the child (e.g., watching him/her while he's at work or not home, preparing meals, etc.), then she should have the right to discipline the child when he/she misbehaves or otherwise breaks house rules. This doesn't mean she should have the right to spank him; but it does mean that she shouldn't have to wait until he gets home to "tattle" on the child. If she isn't allowed to do things like verbally correct the child, give time-outs, etc., the child will know that he/she can do whatever he/she wants and NOTHING will happen. I realize it's not her child, but it IS her home, and she should have some say over what happens in it.

Chaya - posted on 07/31/2012

737

0

227

If they aren't married, none at all,even if they were, you're the mother, not her. It's appropriate to expect him to follow the rules in her home, but that should be the extent of it

Vivian - posted on 07/30/2012

4

0

0

1st pray then tlk to her cuz they r not married yet so um they should be on the getting to know u stage n it depend on if its good r bad control n have u n her sat down woman to woman n tlk yett bout ur child tht needs to happen 1st she knows nothing n men r not good @ doing tht so u need to tlk to her n come to grip tht she is going to b n ur child life now n see wat kind of vibe u pick up fom her wen it come s to ur child but all the ill feelings u hve juz bcuz u hve to let it it go 4 ur child n except her cuz she going to b there God bless He wiill show u n help u threw this

Anita - posted on 07/23/2012

20

39

0

It depends... Do yu or yor husband spank the child. If not the his"fiance" should adhere to the discipline techniques set forth by you r husband. She has no say. If my ex-husband's spouse laid a hand on my child, I would have her arrested. That is assault as she is neither legally or biologically tied to the child at this point in time. If your ex is marrying a woman who beats the hell out of his kid, GET SUPERVISED VISITS IMMEDIATELY and file a restraining against her. He obviously has no sense for the safety of his child

Katherine - posted on 07/22/2012

36

13

0

OK, she doesn't have a custody arrangement, there is no reason for your child to spend time with her unless YOU want it...why are you sending your child with an unrelated adult when you're not required to. If you don't like the way she treats your child, don't have her babysit for you or manage visitation.

Katherine - posted on 07/22/2012

36

13

0

As much as your husband sees fit. What happens in his house is not in your control

Mako - posted on 07/22/2012

4

0

0

Before she marries your ex husband all three of you should have a talk. The job of a stepmother is to have respect for the child and also create rules as you would create them; however, it is not her job to spank your child that is your job and your ex husbands job. Also, she can help child with homework and be a positive figure in your child's life without trying to fill your shoes because you are the mother of the child.

Taylor - posted on 07/21/2012

128

0

14

Well since the OP vanished we don't know all the details. However regardless if the parent is a step parent or a blood parents it's sort of ridiculous to say they have no right to enforce discipline in their own home. And legally speaking in the US if the father gives permission she can spank your child. You can as some have said try to win a court order on the subject. But to be honest from a legal standpoint it's a long shot.

Ashley - posted on 07/21/2012

149

22

4

I have not read any other posts so here I go. If the kid is in her home, she has a right to do what she thinks is best to "control" the kid. Just like if I send my kids to a babysitter, the babysitter is in complete control over them. Their house their rules. You dont like it I dont know what to tell you. But shes goin to be the kids new step mom so they better get used to her rules and judgement while they are with her. A new parent needs to have some say in how things are done in THEIR house.

Donette - posted on 07/21/2012

9

0

1

It is not about control....it is about discipline and discipline should be consistant no matter who is in charge of the child. Sit down, figure out the rules and the consequences then EVERYONE follownthem. The most important part of this process is the parents. Children need stability which is hard to achieve in split families so one waynto achieve this is through routine.

Chaya - posted on 07/21/2012

737

0

227

Absolutly none. She's not the parent, she has no legal right to the child, and it's none of her business.

Sara - posted on 07/21/2012

11

13

0

No, steps should never spank. I don't know why this fiance would want to?? Kids are more insecure with step parents, especially new ones, than their parents. Good step parents should recognize this and focus on building a bond and building security, confidence, and a self esteem with the step parent.

Julie - posted on 07/19/2012

6

0

0

this is a hard one..everyone has diff opinions on this.. I believe if mum and dad even though
parenting apart... you are the parents and..with many relationships failing..children have so much to contend with just with that.. and the input with a 3rd person etc..can either work or crumble the child..all must be done gradually respecting the childs feeling first..even if the new partners who come on board ..they cant just jump in and start ruling the roost as the saying goes..a child has to build up trust towards mum or dads new partner..i dont believe if both parents are still working well together but apart.. the new partner becomes the step-parent..only that should happen if .. one parent has left completely the scene.. otherwise..mum or dads new partner is just a friend to the child.. kids today are seeing to many extras coming and going in and out of their lives..
so! respect the childrens feeling.. a must
julie

Jodi - posted on 05/14/2012

44

0

1

This is a parenting decision that must be made by the three current adults in this child's life, you, the dad, and the soon to be step-mom. The quicker you three can get on the same page, the better your child's life is going to be!

Good luck!
www.theconsciousmoment.com

Michelle - posted on 05/08/2012

9

0

0

I think it's important to think of the child involved. This child is the one being affected and as adults we need to put them first. It is hard to be the "other" women in a relationship with someone who has children. They WILL be the "mothering" figure in their life during the time they spend with their dad and there is nothing that can be done about it. Now going as far as getting a protection order so they can't be around the child, that's making the father choose betwewen two people they love and only makes you look crazy. Judges don't look highley on parents who go out there and attack the significant other of their ex. People I know have lost custody over their children because of the petty games they played. People who attack their ex's partners usually still have feelings for that person and don't want to see them happy.

Here is what you need to do. Ask your self: Does this person make your ex happy? Does this person respect and care for your child the way you would?

If they do then be happy for them, unless you have unresolved issues with your ex. Your ex will be happy and your child will be happy too. That's what is important.

As far as control? That's a difficult question. The more people in a childs life that love them the better off they are. Consistency is the key. A child needs to learn they need to respect others and what is expected of them. I don't think she has the right to decide on the rules the two of you have set for expected behaviors but it is her house as well and should recieve respect and if she is not then the consequences need to be inforced at the time not later when her husband gets home.

It's something the three of you should AGREE on and put the child's needs first.

Sarah - posted on 05/04/2012

5

0

0

I have to say that I am "the fiancé" of a man who has 2 children and I have one of my own. There are many times when I am caring for his children on our days to have them bc he's at work. We have been together for 4 years and will be married next month. I have known his children since the daughter was a baby and the son was a toddler. I have been a very major part I their lives. I get them ready for school, help them with homework, take them to baseball practices, take them to movies, cook their dinner, do laundry, etc....and there are times when I HAVE to discipline them. I do not tolerate disrespect and my fiancés kids have the same rules as my son in our home. It's unfair to set rules for my son but not follow thru with discipline if his kids disobey the rules. So, everyone has the same rules no mater what. His children respect me very much...they use manners...and they do not walk all over me. My fear for you is that if you do not allow the fiancé to set boundaries and discipline in an appropriate manner then he will learn manipulation, disrespect, and have no rears for rules at his fathers house. I guess you would need to imagine being in the fiancés shoes---would you want a step child to disregard any rules you have? Is it fair to leave every tiny problem with the child for your husband to deal with? I have an 8 year old and although I would be irrate if another woman spanked him...I would always support a step mom of his disciplining him bc I know it teaches him a lot and he would need to learn to respect all adults...not just certain ones. I hope this helps :-)

Judy - posted on 04/29/2012

19

17

1

Are you the custodial parent? Is he? How much time does she spend with your child? Only he can control her while the child is with her. Do you believe she is good hearted, and has only the childs interests in mind? Are you of the belief that because she is not you, she will not take care of the child like you would? Women are naturally nurturing towards children...how long have you been divorced? Are you worried she will take your place in your childs life?



What exactly do you mean by control? That she says no when the child does wrong, or that she becomes your replacement? Or that she tells the child what to do every minute of the time the child is there?



These are some questions that need to be answered before a concise answer to your question can be made...

Julie - posted on 04/23/2012

6

0

0

From mum of old...

and a great nani..i have observed in many relationship...when a parent meets anew

partner....when it comes to the children ..HAVOC can strike....

Sad but! too much is expected of kids and their parents relationships..and some parents

have one after another .... expecting the children to fit in.....



Children cant do this...its confusing...When one starts a new realtionship..do it with out ur children involved for sometime..until you know just where this relationship is heading..

Too many new partners whether be female or male..come on the scene..and expect the parent with the children..the children have to like them..

Childrens feeling are just not taken into consideration... the new partner starts to try and tell the kids that arent theirs what to do..and of course the majority of the time the kids dont like it..

but! are not heard...



Children should be introduced to a new partner slowly until confidance is built up .....

And NO! way if it be the children mum or dad still on the scene..should children call mum or dads partners mum or dad....

Step parents.. and to be called so! only if one biological parent is not in their life... other ywise that partner is just mum or dads friend

Kids are having to have too many step parents who come and go..cause havoc and leave..

so! as a parent ..wanting start a new relationship..DONT RUSH INTO LIVING WITH THAT PERSON!!..... take time..let that person get to know ur child/children slowly..and watch just

how they interact with each other .. until u let that person move in.. YOUR CHILDREN WELL-BEING MUST COME FIRST..

Carrie - posted on 04/21/2012

1

9

0

"Control" ???? First of all one does not control children, they raise them. Therefore Fiance should not have to control your child, unless he/she is out of control on every level.

There are so many questions to your question. How much time would the child be around her? How much of a role do you want her to play in your childs life? What are you willing to accept as her role? What are your morals and values ? And what morals and values do you want instilled in your child? How does your child interact with her and what was her role prior to engagement?

The three of you need to sit down and discuss all of this as adults respectfully. As it is not about the adults welfare it is about the childs. I really don't think she should under any circumstances get to spank or hit the child, even slap the hand... time out, loss of privileges, explaining to said child, why what they did/said was wrong and is there a better way to handle it, etc.... is plenty enough "control" and that should go without saying. If you and your ex believe in spanking then you are the ones who should ultimately deal that punishment to the child. Even if it has to wait till dad gets home. She can time out or whatever is decided as acceptable "control". Then talk to the father and he can deal with it beyond that as he sees fit...... yes I think the child is a little young to be punished later after already committing said offence and supposely having it dealt with at the time..... as most young kids cannot learn from later punishment, it has to be talked about and dealt with at the time it is happening or happened.

I know if my kids were in someone else's care in this kind of circumstance. My first and foremost concern was that they are in a safe enviroment, the person was willing to protect them with their life and not hit them for any reason. There are other effective ways for a non parent to deal with things, unless the child is completely unruley. And if that was the case and I was the fiance, I would jsut make sure I didnt have to be alone with the child.

You as the mother need to keep the lines of communication open with both child, of how their time spent with extended family went. And should the child claim, unfair treatment, then you all need to sit and talk together respectively so the child can see that they are 1 being taken seriously, treated fairly and that you are all on same page together and not going to be taken advantage of. My 6 yr old twins try and play the ends against the middle with their father and I .. and we all live in same house ... if a kids wants something, doesnt like the answer or reaction from one parent they will go to other. So you all have to keep talking.

Arielle - posted on 04/20/2012

29

3

0

I was just reading back through some of the posts. If Dad is on "vacation" as you put it, why is your child spending ANY time with the fiance?

Jamie - posted on 04/19/2012

9

9

1

Shelly,

I am married and the mother of my husbands daughter was the same way. Check his visitation schedule. In Florida standard visitation is every other weekend, every other one evening a week and during summertime you typically get up to three weeks If still in the area of residence, the other parent still gets visitation rights. As far as one weekend and possibly an evening depending on duration of stay. That should all be worded in the order. In my experience if everything is going the way her mom wants than all is well with the world and we get her whenever and could even be later than the normal 5pm drop off time. But when she's wasn't happy, even if we didn't piss her off it was straight court order times. When she was a baby she woud just keep his daughter from him. Now that my step-daughter is older things have gotten better, and she pretty much makes her own schedule. Good luck to you. It's not always easy being a mom and sometimes a lot harder when Step is in front of it.

Kim - posted on 04/19/2012

17

20

1

If she is redirecting or "disciplining" your child, she needs to know that there are other, more healthy ways to do it than spanking. & that spanking is not on the table. I would see about getting together with her (just the 2 of you) for coffee or whatever & get to know her. She may not be so bad & if at all possible, you need to be able to get along with her, as it looks as if she'll be around for quite awhile & if you 2 can be at least respectful with each other (or end up as life long friends ~ yes this does happen!) for no other reason than the fact that your child. You don't want to have to play tug of war with your child in the middle. Try not to be on the offensive. I know that's easier said than done, but your child needs to have everyone on the same page, if possible.

Shelly - posted on 04/18/2012

1

11

0

I'm engaged I have a 8yr old son that's not his and he has a 4yr old son from his previous relationship. We get his son every other weekend and I care and love his son as I do my own. I do not believe in spanking at all. His ex believes in spanking. Me and the ex never speak and do not ever seeing us being able to talk about anything for she has issues with me. I've never done anything to her but she is very rude and disrespectful to my fiance and it makes it hard to get along with her she also uses his son against him and purposely distants his son from him. She was going to let my fiance have him every other week in the summer which we were very excited to have more time wit him and his son was alos excited my fiance works 2nd shift and since he would have to be home with me in the evenings she is no longer going to let us take him just the court ordered every other weekend. I find this to be very wrong on her part she also has told my fiance that its incovenient for him to call during the week to talk to his son cuz she has a strict routine. She never let's him know anything or give any updates on his son. She's not a very nice person and I see no way to ever be able to get along with here. The reason they split was cuz she cheated several times. And was abusive towards him. So I see no reason for her to be so rude and disrespectful towards him.

Michelle - posted on 04/18/2012

4

29

0

I have to say that I have been on BOTH sides of this. My ex husband is married to a wonderful woman. She loves my son like her own, disciplines him while he is there and loves him while he is there. It was really hard to share that with her, but I wanted him to have someone that loved him as though he was hers - and discipline goes along with that. That being said, if your husband doesn't spank, then she shouldn't either.

I am also a step mother and I have to say that this is the hardest job in the whole world. I discipline these children also (no spanking in our home). I spent more time with them than dad did, so it made sense. I would rather not always be the one to discipline, but it worked out that way. My husband and I talked a lot (and continue to talk) about discipline strategies and what works though. We do not have the same beliefs as the ex, but they didn't have the same beliefs when they were married either.

Kids live in a world where there are different rules everywhere you go (school, home, church, friends homes, etc), so they are quite resiliant and can adjust.

Rachel - posted on 04/18/2012

6

21

0

My feelings toward my ex's gf has nothing to do with how I feel about this issue. Like I said in my 2nd post I have tried and tried to get along with her but she REFUSES to be even cordial. For example, they come to pick my son up (whenever the wind blows right) and she will sit there and point and laugh at me, call me b****, etc thinking I can't see her. She has done this for over a year. She keeps my ex from his son all the time. He is supposed to have visitation 3 weekends out of the month and it's dropped to 1x a month and it's whenever he get's permission from her. It got so bad I filed an harassment order on both of them because of all this. She has accused me of trying to get back with my ex and she is VERY insecure with her relationship with him. She blames me for EVERY little thing that goes wrong. I NEVER call them, text them, NOTHING. They even told the detective that was the case and he told them that they had NO right to be bothering me. I never even call my ex about our son. I don't need his input cause he never helped me when we were together so NO I don't feel the need to get into an argument with either one of them. He stopped paying child support last September so I turned him into Child support enforcement. She actually told me that she didn't feel like he should have to pay me anything because my son get's an SSI check for his disability. UH I didn't make our son alone! I could go on and on about this woman. TRUST ME. My point is my feelings toward her are VERY VERY VERY justified and heck NO I don't think she has ANY right to discipline my son when he's there. I have told her to her face that she can say something to him, time out, etc but as far as the harsher type of discipline NO.

Keâna-Nicole - posted on 04/18/2012

5

0

0

I also want to add..sometimes the "label" or "status" we put each other in puts bearing on how the situation is handled. In my house hold, Us adults always use and refer to any of our children's biological parents as who they are Mother or Father. Not my ex-husband or his ex-wfie..at the end of the day everyone knows the past..the present and future is the Child's Mother or Father or 3rd parent or whatever you want to use. We just don't use My ex or their ex...dealing with parenting issues should strictly about parenting.

Arielle - posted on 04/18/2012

29

3

0

I know you probably don't want to hear it, but as fiance (and soon to be step mother) she will have just as much influence as you and your ex husband. Hopefully she is kind and caring toward your child. Try to get to know her, that way you will be able to include her and get her view point on child rearing; and kindness and civility on your part will help her to resepct and abide by your wishes for your child.

Amanda - posted on 04/18/2012

19

9

0

I do encourage my son to treat her with respect, but I have let him know that if there is an issue, he is to bring it to his father or myself as we are the only ones with the authority to deal with it. And in my case, I am the ONLY person who has any legal right to make decisions for my child.

Amanda - posted on 04/18/2012

19

9

0

My ex's gf (now wife) entered my son's life when he was 8 and she was 16. From the beginning there were serious issues. She questioned my parenting choices, contradicted me in front of my child and felt that she was more knowledgable about all things child related. She was harsh and unkind to my child, jealous of the time that he spent with his father, refusing to allow them to do anything together without her present. She felt the need to control every aspect of my son's life. She also thinks that she has the right to decide on the schedule of visits and feels the need to contact me directly over any little thing. She does not allow my son's father to contact me directly and if I wish to speak to him, I have to go through her and explain my reasons for needing to speak with him. Even then she tries to speak for him instead of allowing me to communicate with me. Considering that my ex has no legal rights to the child, she definitely has no rights at all. I allow my son to spend time with his father because my son wants to, not because I am in any way obligated to. I might add that his father has paid zero child support in the last 13 years (the child is now 14). I have gone out of my way to be nice to her, even allowing them to spend a week in our home each time they come to visit. I have made the effort! My son's father and I had no issues with each other until she arrived on the scene.



With that said, I know that there are amazing step parents out there. My husband of 11 years is a prime example. I guess if there is mutal respect and each person understands and accepts their place within the child's life, then things could be worked out. To all of the stepparents who do a good job and make an effort where the biological parents are concerned, you are to be commended! Families are hard work. They are also very precious and need to be protected from people who aim to hurt and destroy. You would protect your child from anyone who treated them poorly, this setting is no different. And the truth of the matter is, legally, unless other arrangements have been made, a step parent has zero legal rights. It's up to each family to choose what they would like to do in this situation. If you feel that the step parent is harmful to the well being of the family, stand up and be an advocat for your child!

Keâna-Nicole - posted on 04/18/2012

5

0

0

Alot of these posts is frustrating to read...MOM's please put your own feelings aside!!! It is not about your feelings. It is about the well being of your child...Parenting is NOT biological..It has nothing to do with that at all...please think before making "controlling" comments..

Amanda - posted on 04/18/2012

19

9

0

None! She is not one of the child's parents! It has caused nothing but frustration and heartache in our family. She has no right to make rules or institute any kind of discipline. She legally has ZERO rights where your child is concerned.

Keâna-Nicole - posted on 04/18/2012

5

0

0

My Step-daguther lives with us. We are a blended family. One each from a previous and 3 together. MY Step-Daughter is turning 12 this year and I must say that I am truly blessed that WE have our own relationship. I could say more so than her and her own biological mother. Since my step-daughter lives with me, I am the one providing for all her day to day needs. I am the one that ensures she is going to school, studying, dropping off lunches when forgotten, playdates, bday parties...so I would have a say in her discipline. I along with my husband treat ALL the kids in the house hold the same, we tell them to do their chores, make their beds, make their lunches. They equally get in trouble, they are all included with family meetings to have their voice heard. Since I am on maternity leave and my husband works till the evening, anything my step-daughter would need such us, docs appt, dentist appt, picking up at school when she is not feeling well is my responsibilty as her own Mother will use "i don't drive" and the "commute by transit will take to long" as an excuse. But then will use "I'm her Mother" card whenever she feels like it. That is not respecting what I do for her child day in and day out. I agree with some of the comments above with "yes" to the respect factor of having your son having another parent role in his life...don't use the word "control" as that word brings out a different meaning than what is important and that is the best thing for your son. I continue to love and care for my step-daughter as my own and now that she is older, she see's the difference on how I am and how her Mother is...Let's just say, in her eyes I "earned" her calling me "MOM" and every other weekend it is a struggle with "Do I have to go see her"...I don't need to do anything other than provide her with love and support. Everything else she will end up learning about and seeing and judging for herself. Good Luck!..and...I would NEVER lay a hand on my step-daughter!

Danae - posted on 04/17/2012

12

9

0

It might be easier to consider how you might feel if these questions were being asked of you. You're concerns may be based on your own agenda rather than your child's actual welfare.

Cortnie - posted on 04/17/2012

40

29

0

okay let me say i do understand how step parents feel. my chldren have a step-dad or shall i say father because their sperm donor hasnt been around for 9 1/2 yrs.

if the step-parent only has part time contact with the child they have no right for punishment that is not talked about with the mom.

if the step parent took the place of bio parent they have all the say, school priv. , doct. , .....

i have lived with this issue with my husband , he raised my kids since they were babies. and no one can tell me that he has no rights , but then again he is their dad in their eyes.

its sad but normal family is no longer normal.

Shawnn - posted on 04/17/2012

7,030

21

1918

Jamie, please don't be so quick to judge those of us saying, at this point NONE>

She's a fiance. Not a step mom. Not yet, at any rate, and as a fiance, she should receive respect, but no discipline privileges. Not yet, and not until she can be on the same "page" with the biological parents.

I'm a step too, and I would have liked nothing better than to be involved in my stepdaughter's life, but the ex-b...I mean wife decided that while it was alright for her to bring multiple men into my sd's life, it was not alright for her father to remarry at all. So, no visitation, no rights whatsoever. Its all up to how the original custody agreement is written.

Shawnn - posted on 04/17/2012

7,030

21

1918

Why would your ex's fiance even be spending time alone with your child? That is inappropriate unless you've agreed to the contact.

Until she is married to him she has absolutely NO say in how he is raised, nor how he acts. If she wants to correct an action, she should have his father do this.

You will want to meet her early on, in a neutral setting with NO children. You, your ex, and his wife will need to agree on parenting strategies. Well, actually, you and your ex need to agree, and she needs to comply.

Believe it or not, there are steps out there who love their step kids! And she may be one. You'll know as the relationship matures how much you can trust her with, and how far her "coparenting" should go. But for now, physical discipline is a no no for her. And if she can't comply, you can have legal documents drawn up to limit her contact.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms