How should I spank my 12yo daughter

Esme - posted on 11/03/2013 ( 67 moms have responded )

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me and my husband have decided to spank our 12 year old daughter called Eva when she is naughty. this was rare until she went to secondary school and got a boyfriend. It isn't the first time she will be spanked as we have done it before when she was about 7 and stopped last year. but recently, she has been seeing this boy when we tell her not too, getting really bad grades, talking back to me and fighting with her brother who is only 3 weeks younger than her

I want to know what you think on things like, position, implements, whether to have corner time after and if it should be bare bum or not. We are going to do it in her bedroom, but if what she does to someone is the reason she is spanked, they will be there too eg: brother (Isaac)

don't tell me i shouldn't spank her or that spanking is abuse.

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User - posted on 11/03/2013

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I dont see it appropriate to ask other mothers if you should spank your daughter in what position or bare bottom or not. If you have spanked her before you should already have in mind how you feel right to discipline her.

Do you discuss with her what she is doing wrong? If not you need to have a deep discussion about it, and if she is seeing her boyfriend without your knowing, how is that happening? Is she sneaking out, during school,etc? If you dont want her to be seeing boys at this age, keep a tight watch on her. drop her off and pick her up from school, when she goes to friends houses, talk to the other parents and make sure you are on the same page where they will be and that no boys will be over. As for her bad behavior, ensure she knows that it is not acceptable, take away privileges like phone tv, time out with friends,etc, until she starts acting better. I know how teen girls are (lol I was one too), you cant be too strict on them because they will rebel, but you cant give them too much freedom either. Hormones are raging and they need limits and positive guidance from their parents. Make sure you and hubby are setting an example on how you want her to behave, set your limits and be firm, but also once she starts acting better, give her freedom little at a time, so she knows the better she is and the better grades she gets, she will be able to do things she wants to do. They need to learn they have to work towards their freedoms in life and for things they want.

I hope that you are already doing everything you can to help her with these issues, just make sure to stay firm and for her to know that yall have the say in what goes and not her. I hope the best for your family

[deleted account]

You can't ask for opinions and then add "don't tell me I shouldn't spank her" because it seems that all the opinions are that how you should spank a 12 year old is NOT AT ALL. Even those who are fine with spanking a child are in agreement that it is not appropriate at the age of 12. And punishing a child ON DISPLAY, so to speak (i.e. spanking them with an audience to prove a point) is nothing short of utter humiliation, which is absolutely the worst, most ineffective way to discipline! Talk to any psychologist and they will tell you how damaging and counterproductive that would be.

Michelle - posted on 11/03/2013

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Like the other ladies have said, spanking at her age won't help at all. You need to find her currency and take things away when she doesn't behave.
Spanking can get you into big trouble if she tells anyone that decides to report you. You could end up being charged with child abuse and lose her altogether. There are consequences for abuse.

Evelyn - posted on 11/03/2013

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Let me get this straight: You have decided to spank your 12 year old daughter again because she has a boyfriend, is talking back, getting bad grades, and fighting with her younger brother who is 3 weeks younger than her...are they twins or is he her half brother?

First, for health reasons you should not be spanking her at this age. If she is starting puberty or her monthlys, spanking could damage her since her body is developing still especially in this manner.

Secondly, spanking at this age rarely works. Neither dies time out because she is way too old for that. You need to implement things that go with the actions she is doing that is considered against your rules. If she has any technology like a cell phone, computer, tv set or other things of this nature take them away. Ground her from going out with friends to do things. Give her chores at home to do. Make her earn the use of technology or the rights to do things back. Set up rules for both kids and enforce them. But only give consequences that have to do with the rule breaking.

Third, some things to note here: She is 12. She is going to start noticing boys at this age and may have a boyfriend at school. You can stop the actual dating and tell her no she is too young. It is time to start talking to her about dating and what age is appropriate for this. The bad grades is another thing. If she does well in school and can do the work that is something I would really address with her as responsibility If she has some sort of problem that needs addressing such as a learning delay have that checked out. As for talking back, this can be expected at preteen years. They are not going to agree with mom or dad on things and that is just part of their growing up though you do not have to take it. Tell her that unless she can talk to you nicely you are not going to talk to her. End of it. If she persists in this behavior, then send her to her room, make her write sentences, give her extra chores. Anything like that. As for fighting with siblings, that is pretty much common among siblings. You have to step in and stop it and try to work it out. You are the parent.

As for the spanking being abuse, depending on the state it is against the law. In some if you use an implement to spank with on a bare bum, that is grounds for abuse as well. Most suggest spanking on the bum with an open hand and not to the point of leaving any marks because if you do and she says anything about it, you will be in trouble.

As I said, spanking at this age is not worth it as it does not work anymore. You need to investigate some of my suggestions here and try them out or go to counseling.

Briezhette - posted on 11/03/2013

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To add to what I have already said and what these other ladies have said, if you do start this kind of punishment again at her age... Then it may lower her self worth. Once you've done that you have a whole other mess of issues to deal with. Instead of having little crushes, she will likely date much older men who treat her wrong (and by treat her wrong I mean who physically abuse her). If you make her feel like that is what she deserves when she "does something wrong" she may feel like that for the rest of her life... That is how alot of women end up in severely abusive relationships, some that are so abusive their children's and their own lives are in danger.

Spankings are seriously an all round bad idea.

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Jodi - posted on 11/06/2013

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LOL, the classic "I found my mum's password and she doesn't know I'm posting" troll post. Done and dusted methinks. You'd think the OP could be original.

Justine - posted on 11/06/2013

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I did not mean it as an actual beating where she is badly hurt. it should have been in quotations and I apologize if I have offended you.

Dove - posted on 11/06/2013

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lol Really?! Bored child or.... Jodi, I'm not the boss here or anything, but I think this show has probably run it's course.....

Esme - posted on 11/06/2013

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It is quite funny seeing all of you fighting between one another. Firstly, they don't beat me! Secondly, I keep meeting with him in the middle of the night. I wake up late for school and then I get the paddle when I get to school for being late. I don't even want to meet up with his, he makes me

i found my moms password for this and thought id write something? shes just arrived home, im in my room. please dont tell her that iv been on this. i'll probebly get slapped anyway for lieing to her. HELP!!!!!

Jodi - posted on 11/06/2013

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@ Kaitlyn. I am going to say it. Your post about the 3 meals a day.......NO-ONE WAS ARGUING. Seriously. Plenty of people gave their opinion. The opinions were different. But they weren't arguing over it.

Anyway, that was totally off-topic, so I will leave it at that.

Justine - posted on 11/06/2013

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Esme - My daughter is only 5 so my fiance and I have not needed to spank her as time-outs are still effective however, being that your daughter is 12 I don't see what else you could do besides an occasional spank here or there. I do believe that you and your husband need to clarify/decide the difference between a spanking and a beating because if the two of you have different view points on where the line is drawn that can start problems in your marriage. Also, try to keep in mind that your daughter is going through a lot of hormonal changes and is going to be bitchy, snotty and just plain rude at times. Speaking from experience, being spanked for every wrong thing is not going to change or better your daughter in fact it may actually push her away to the point that she can't trust you or your husband and might keep things from you and go to her friends for advice. I'm not going to comment on a position or implement however, I would NOT suggest a spanking on the bare bum nor do I think the spanking should occur in her bedroom - I believe a bedroom should not be private as you are living in my house and are still a minor but should be a "safe haven" so to speak. Lastly, I do not agree with Isaac being in the room while she is being spanked; he knows she's getting in trouble he doesn't need to witness it. Plus it might make their relationship worse than what it is. Think of it like this - you wouldn't have her teacher in the room witnessing the punishment so why should he be there?
Hope this helps in some way!

Dove - posted on 11/06/2013

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But Kaitlyn... that IS what happens when you get thousands of women together because everyone has a different idea of what is right or wrong. You aren't going to get thousands of women together to agree on ANY issue... ever. I'm sorry you are disappointed, but we're all just human here.

Kaitlyn - posted on 11/06/2013

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i do understand that completely and thank you for explaining it like a mature adult, i wasnt even upset about this post particularly and not the whole site in general, but even my first post of when to add a third meal of solid foods to my sons day, people were arguing over the proper way to feed children. i was just a lil disappointed because i had high expectations

Enna - posted on 11/06/2013

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Kaitlyn, I can see what you're trying to say, but you have to understand that these conversations only go haywire like this when someone posts something asinine.
I have a very hard time believing that any genuine parent would come on to a website full of moms and want advice on if they should spank their twelve year old daughter bare-bottomed in front of an audience.
The people on here who are trying to help people get pretty ticked off when people post stuff like this. Unfortunately there are people who think it's entertaining, so they post it on purpose. Most of the time it gets ignored.
Anyway, I wouldn't base your entire opinion of this site on one post that has people fired up.

Kaitlyn - posted on 11/06/2013

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i didn't post the original response to cause problems. i was disappointed because i thought this site was something it wasn't. and when i realized what it was i compared it to facebook, due to the amount of drama. i do apologize to those of you who are only on here to get or give good advice and support, none of that was meant for you. i definitely appreciate those who take the time to write something in hopes of helping someone else better a situation for there child(ren) because that's what is important to me, my child, and he's the soul reason i joined this site. not for debates, so i'll say again.... i'm clearly the one in the wrong here for thinking this site was something it's not.

Georgina - posted on 11/06/2013

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Good reply, my mother spanked me and my sisters as children until we were in are teens and we were very rebellious because of it and had no respect for her rules. I think it may have been more acceptable years ago but it didn't do us any favours. I wish she could have talked to me more.

DarkGLAMOR - posted on 11/05/2013

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Wow. I read this question and I am now plotting my escape from this planet. Esme, please tell me you are some sort of perv that got kicked off of Craigslist and not seriously a mother even considering spanking a 12 y/o.
This shouldn't even be about whether or not spanking is ok, but about COMMON SENSE. Whether you are pro spanking or not, you don't spank a 12 year old! You should go talk to a professional if you think that's ok. Please get some help.
Terrihamet: stop making noise. If internet was a finite resource I'd be mad at people like you for wasting it.

Terrihamet - posted on 11/05/2013

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Read carefully: 1) I never EVER used wording such as horrible monster, u did, Shawn or Sean or whatever u call yourself;
2) YOU went off topic wen u started your tirade about dentists. This is my opinion: any hitting by an adult of ANY kind to a child of ANY age is child abuse. It's my OPINION. You're entitled to yours and I'm entitled to mine. Get it?

Tara - posted on 11/05/2013

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If your child wants to be more mature and have a boyfriend. I suggest that you start giving her more mature responsibilities. By spanking her you are showing her that she is a young child and though that is true. Especially for us as parents. She will in turn become more defiant and controversial. Also, spanking without pants on... No. I do not agree on any level of appropriateness or for any age. Spanking without pants is an insult to any childs privacy. It is abusive on a whole different level.

Young girls are hormonal at this age which is another stress that should be taken into consideration. Good luck.

Angela - posted on 11/05/2013

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If you can trouble yourself to come onto an Internet Chat Room and ask advice on a very controversial topic - probably KNOWING that it's going to get everyone going - well, I just wonder why you didn't simply use the Internet to research the topic. I found this in less than 30 seconds:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_pu...

Oh! Hang about though - research doesn't give you the opportunity to get a load of attention for yourself in a Chat forum! Nor to sit back and watch as other Forum users may now be arguing amongst themselves.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/05/2013

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And Kaitlyn, I wasn't referring to you, just responding with an explanation! If you must know, I was referring to another poster telling me that I'm a horribly abusive monster whose children will never forgive me for the horrible way that I've raised them, regardless of the fact that she made a judgement based on one sentence that I typed. Those types of people, who assume, and push their own agenda were being addressed.

Ms Hamet, I cannot use novacaine, but the last time I took my kid to the dentist, they still administered that as a shot in the roof of your mouth. Mine ain't steel, don't know about yours. Now that you're totally off topic, are you content? And please don't call me 'honey'. I'm not your honey, nor anything else. You may refer to me as SHAWNN (spelled correctly), or Ms. Lively.

Yes, this has now gone horribly off topic. The topic was how to spank a 12 yo.

Pretty much NO ONE advocates spanking a 12 yo. The reason that some of us expanded on our answer was the disturbing wording of the 2nd paragraph. Only predators (IMHO) would presume to see if anyone would give them suggestions about 'positions' and 'implements'.

Admins, it may be time to close this one...it's going nowhere on a fast train.

Dove - posted on 11/05/2013

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Kaitlyn... it IS a great and helpful site full of advice and friendships. It's also a place full of debate and arguments.... because that's kind of what happens when you get thousands of different women in the same place. It's up to you to choose which things you will focus on.. no one else can make that choice for you.

I don't find it awkward that other people have a voice on here.... I find it awkward that you think 90% of 'us' are misusing this site... cuz we aren't. :)

Dove - posted on 11/05/2013

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Terrihamet.... Seriously? Now you're just looking to be a jerk... re: Shawnn's name. I thought you didn't have anger issues sweetie.... lol

Terrihamet - posted on 11/05/2013

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Hey sean what dentist have u been going to? I never feel a thing wen I get novacaine...u really need to calm down honey...

Kaitlyn - posted on 11/05/2013

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shawnn, just to be clear, i did NOT blatantly tell anyone they were wrong and you also gave the same advice after many others did before you if i'm not mistaken? i didn't mean to say any of you had bad parenting tips and i do realize that many debates will arise on such a site. the only point i was trying to get across is, state your opinion and let that be the end of it rather than criticizing everyone elses techniques. and dove, i'm not sure why you find it awkward that someone other than yourself has a voice on this site, i wasn't trying to tell you your place. i was implying that i, myself joined this site thinking it would be a great way to connect with other young moms and get some good parenting advice but i've come to notice the only thing you people do on here is bitch at each other over who's doing it better. but no, you are both right. i'm the one in the wrong here, for thinking this was a helpful site when clearly it is not. you both have a wonderful day :)

Enna - posted on 11/05/2013

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Wow, this got a lot of responses. I'm pretty sure that everyone who has been on this website for more than a week or two probably knows that the whole point of this post was to cause a big argument.
Esme, go get a copy of 50 shades and try spanking your husband instead of your kids.

Dove - posted on 11/05/2013

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It's a discussion, Kaitlyn. This board is for discussing. Sure, we have gone on a bit of a side trail from the op, but I'm sorry.... anyone looking for tips on how to spank a 12 year old NEEDS a side trail from the topic. The OP was looking for ways to abuse and humiliate her preteen daughter.

I find it awkward that a poster w/ 9 responses is telling posters who have been on this site for years that 'we' don't know what this place is here for.... Just saying.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/05/2013

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So, Kaitlyn, you apparently missed where everyone else gave basically the same advice you did?

This is a site for opinions. EVERYONE can post opinions, because, like assholes, everyone has an opinion.

What is abusive is folks using those opinions and bits of advice to call other parents out on their techniques, and not only that, aggressively push their opinions as fact. Those of us who enjoy a good debate (and, yes this site will prompt MANY debates on MANY topics) don't mind differing opinions, that's what makes the world go 'round. What we DO mind is one person telling everyone else they are blatantly wrong, or need to be turned in to authorities for using parenting methods that are legal, but that particular person disagrees with.

Kaitlyn - posted on 11/05/2013

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i think 90% of you are abusing this site. it's meant to be helpful especially to young mothers but all you crazy people do is get into heated debates on your opinions of how to raise children. maybe esme didn't word her post the greatest, maybe dove is right and she isn't even really a she. but the point is, if she is a mother looking for helpful suggestions most of you probably only enraged her by making her feel like a terrible mother. so those of you trying to one-up each other on parenting tips, why don't you try to get some useful ones or hey! here's a great idea, worry about your children maybe? and not on the fact that somebody on the internet disagreed with you. with that being said, your 12 yr old is getting to be a teenager, she will talk to boys and not do as she's told. it's what kids her age do. but don't spank her at that age. if anything it will make her resent you and she'll just do more bad things in hopes that you'll just give up. i'd try taking away something she enjoys and make her earn it back through good behavior.

Dove - posted on 11/05/2013

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No one's bent out of shape. We're just disagreeing w/ you. That's allowed here, you know? lol

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/05/2013

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Oh, no, ms. teri, you are entitled to your opinions. However, telling us that we're all horrible parents because we do not agree wholeheartedly with you is not forming an opinion, that is being judgmental. There's the difference.

And you still didn't really answer the question about what you consider other types of abuse. If your formula is PAIN = ABUSE, yet you naysay that the dentist causes pain (because you request novacaine)...LOL...Lady, you've got a great world that you live in... Last I checked, novacaine is administered as a shot, which causes pain, which in your definition is abuse. Children receiving vaccinations causes pain, which in your definition is abuse.

So, you've set yourself a VERY thin line here between abuse and not abuse. Do you also call CPS on the coaches of those contact sports because they're enabling and participating in the abuse of children?

Go ahead, I could laugh like this all day. People like this amuse the hell out of me, because no matter what they're right, all of the rest of us are horrible abusive monsters that should be put out of our misery...LMAO

Terrihamet - posted on 11/05/2013

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Okay moms, are you ready for this? You don't have to get all bent out of shape. These are just my OPINIONS! Nothing more, nothing less. I also don't approve of any kind of sports involving pain such as wrestling or boxing, etc. Here we go...

Dove - posted on 11/05/2013

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Well... then between me, you, and Shawnn.... you just 'proved' that spanking and anger have nothing to do w/ each other. Duh.... ;)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/05/2013

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Terri, you ASSume quite alot about people that you don't know, have never met, nor are ever likely to meet.

I, too, read your post about your son, and all I can say is that I'm sorry that you think that you have the right to cast stones at others when your own home is not perfect.

No anger issues here, my dear, just a long standing irritation with people who ASSume too much! LOL...but I've found that they never, ever stop. So, I figure they enjoy making an ass of themselves on their keyboard, knowing that repercussions will not be very likely. The only point you've proven is that you seem to be wearing your own personal set of blinders!

ETA, the very LEAST you could do (especially since it's right in front of you, in print) is spell my name correctly! Cheers!

Terrihamet - posted on 11/05/2013

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Dove...I don't have a problem with anger and I was never spanked either :))

Dove - posted on 11/04/2013

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Terrihamet... you've proved nothing. I have a big problem w/ anger... and I was never spanked. lol

Really Julie? Man... I haven't been keeping up on here enough.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/04/2013

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I see what you are saying when it comes to the difference between actual beatings and spankings. I wasn't trying to make it sound like she was beating the crap out of her kid. I just don't agree with spankings it just makes it worse, especially at 12 years old. It will not work. I dont think you guys are bad people, there's just different more effective ways of discipline.

Either way, at the end of the day you have your views and I have mine. Where I live people have their kids taken away or go under investigation with Children's Aid because there are better ways to go about it and CAS sees it as the children may possibly "be abused". Not only are you spanking them physically but it affects them emotionally as well.

I don't want to argue anymore I like this website and I want to continue using it, I don't want enemies or anything.

Julie A - posted on 11/04/2013

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You sure have proved your point Terri. I saw your post about your drug addicted son. I'm sorry about that. The nerve of you to tell someone their children are abused and will never forgive them. You should take a good look at that. Just sayin.

Terrihamet - posted on 11/04/2013

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My, my Miss Shawn we do seem just a tad upset, don't we? Calm yourself. Control your anger...hmmm...kinda makes me wonder..oh well. Bye and good luck with your silly ramblings. I've already proven my point now haven't I?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/04/2013

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I kinda wondered the same thing, Dove!

;-)

Dove - posted on 11/04/2013

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By the wording of the OP's second paragraph (that I finally just read) I am inclined to think the poster is a pervert just looking to get off on responses... that 'she' is not getting. Just saying.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/04/2013

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Um...You know me, Terri? How's that? You've met my kids? You've decided on your very own that they are horribly abused and disadvantaged?

Thought not. Too bad you haven't figured out how to agree to disagree without being verbally abusive. Too bad you haven't figured out how to hold an adult discussion without accusing everyone who doesn't agree with you of being horrible, abusive people.

Judge not, lest ye be judged, my dear. My kids are grown, and you are free to ask either of them if they've ever been abused. Trust me, they understand the difference. Ask them if they've "forgiven" me! They'll laugh you out of the state at your ridiculous assumptions that they are like your kids...

ETA: Thanks for the great laugh, though! I agree with Stephanie...It's too bad that you don't know the difference between a spanking (a pop on the butt) and a BEATING. Which I experienced, to the degree that Stephanie did, and my husband experienced to a worse degree.

Maintain your own kids, Terri. We'll maintain ours. We can get together in 20 years, if you'd like to see which are more successful...But mine prove their success daily!

Stephanie - posted on 11/04/2013

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I was spanked. I'm not harmed in any way and I have forgiven and forgot. Now that I'm adult I see my bratty behavior warranted one. I spank my girls, they're not abused. It's sad you would say another mother is abusing their child. That's a slap in the face to someone who was actually abused as a child and only wished they got one swat on the bum instead of beatings that caused bruises, welts, cracked bleeding sores etc. No parents is ever guilty for giving their child a swat on the bum.

Terrihamet - posted on 11/04/2013

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No, the dentist is not abusing me.Thats why I always request novacaine. Too bad you abused your child to the age of 5. If you think you got away with it and don't want to label it child abuse that's your problem. You are the one living with your guilt (obviously) and your poor child will never forget or forgive you no matter what you choose to call it.

Stephanie - posted on 11/04/2013

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Many things can cause pain...not just spankings. Are they also abuse? No! Like I said, fine line between a spanking and abuse.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/04/2013

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Just like Briezhette said, she could end up doing it to her own kids and no kids should have to go through that. My mom did it to my brother and I and her mom beat her when she was a little girl. Lucky enough for my mom I didn't take on that stupid role and have never laid a hand on my kids. Possibly because I'm smart enough to realize that it is wrong and will only make my child's behavior worse. My kids aren't as old as twelve but they listen fine without spankings.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/04/2013

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I would think that, with a 12 yo, you could find a better method, and a more effective one than spanking.

Spanking is more effective with younger children. Older children are intellectually developed and can actually be spoken to and reasoned with.

And the method that YOU wish to use (implements) IS CHILD ABUSE. Spanking, by definition is with an open hand. BEATING/ABUSING, on the other hand uses implements.

How about you try age appropriate punishments such as restriction? Her grades are bad, she has no social life, no phone, no computer unless for homework. Works great with my teen. I stopped spanking them when they were about 5, because at that age, they began to understand reasoning, and could be talked with rather than any other method.

@ Terrihamet: Dentist also equals pain, shots at doctor equal pain, is that also child abuse? Since your answer will be no, I suggest that you come up with a different formula...

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