How should I spank my 12yo daughter

Esme - posted on 11/03/2013 ( 67 moms have responded )

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me and my husband have decided to spank our 12 year old daughter called Eva when she is naughty. this was rare until she went to secondary school and got a boyfriend. It isn't the first time she will be spanked as we have done it before when she was about 7 and stopped last year. but recently, she has been seeing this boy when we tell her not too, getting really bad grades, talking back to me and fighting with her brother who is only 3 weeks younger than her

I want to know what you think on things like, position, implements, whether to have corner time after and if it should be bare bum or not. We are going to do it in her bedroom, but if what she does to someone is the reason she is spanked, they will be there too eg: brother (Isaac)

don't tell me i shouldn't spank her or that spanking is abuse.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/04/2013

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I would think that, with a 12 yo, you could find a better method, and a more effective one than spanking.

Spanking is more effective with younger children. Older children are intellectually developed and can actually be spoken to and reasoned with.

And the method that YOU wish to use (implements) IS CHILD ABUSE. Spanking, by definition is with an open hand. BEATING/ABUSING, on the other hand uses implements.

How about you try age appropriate punishments such as restriction? Her grades are bad, she has no social life, no phone, no computer unless for homework. Works great with my teen. I stopped spanking them when they were about 5, because at that age, they began to understand reasoning, and could be talked with rather than any other method.

@ Terrihamet: Dentist also equals pain, shots at doctor equal pain, is that also child abuse? Since your answer will be no, I suggest that you come up with a different formula...

Stephanie - posted on 11/04/2013

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I wouldn't spank her. It will not do anything but make her rebel even more. Instead of letting her go out to hang out with this boy, make her stay home. Make her do chores. You are her mother and need to put your foot down. Take away phone, internet, tv. Tell her NO!

And contrary to what others may believe...spanking is NOT abuse. There's a fine line between a spanking and abuse.

Terrihamet - posted on 11/04/2013

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Please don't tell you its child abuse?? Um, sorry madam then why are you wasting my time posting on here? It's THE WORST child abuse! And that's the only advice you will get from me bc if I know who you are so would the authorities. Lucky for you, not so lucky for your poor daughter.

Dove - posted on 11/04/2013

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Spanking a 12 year old? Yeah... do you want the issues you already have w/ her to get WORSE. Try parenting instead. You might like it... and it might actually work.

Briezhette - posted on 11/04/2013

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I agree with motheroftwo. My mom used
To lash out and hit me. When I was 13 I got smart and realized I was almost as big as her. So I ended up beating her so bad I almost put her in the hospital. ( I blacked out snd don't remember much of ot because I'm bipolar but for real it happens) and think of what it might do to her future kids... She'll beat them until she feels better because that's how she's going to feel about what you're doing. She may think you get pleasure from her pain.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/04/2013

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Another thing I forgot to add is she will also start hitting back eventually so yeah, not a good idea

Briezhette - posted on 11/03/2013

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To add to what I have already said and what these other ladies have said, if you do start this kind of punishment again at her age... Then it may lower her self worth. Once you've done that you have a whole other mess of issues to deal with. Instead of having little crushes, she will likely date much older men who treat her wrong (and by treat her wrong I mean who physically abuse her). If you make her feel like that is what she deserves when she "does something wrong" she may feel like that for the rest of her life... That is how alot of women end up in severely abusive relationships, some that are so abusive their children's and their own lives are in danger.

Spankings are seriously an all round bad idea.

Michelle - posted on 11/03/2013

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Like the other ladies have said, spanking at her age won't help at all. You need to find her currency and take things away when she doesn't behave.
Spanking can get you into big trouble if she tells anyone that decides to report you. You could end up being charged with child abuse and lose her altogether. There are consequences for abuse.

Lauren - posted on 11/03/2013

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Please don't spank you TWELVE year old! She needs positive and negative reinforcement and punishment. This means having consequences and encouraging good behavior. Spanking is wrong it itself, but I understand it (maybe) when a child is just that a child... She is growing into a young woman and needs structure and responsibilities. She clearly has this "young woman view" of herself.

Briezhette - posted on 11/03/2013

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In my opinion, she is too old for spankings. Spankings will not do anything for a preteen. Her hormones are changing, so of course her attitude will change. Also as far as the boy, as I said she is a preteen, so the more you forbid her to see him the more she will fight it and try to be with him. Sometimes you have to let your child make their own mistakes. And corner time? That should stop after 9 years of age. It will not do anything for a child older than that. The way to punish a preteen/teenager is to take away possessions and privileges and reward good behavior. For example, when I was in junior high for every "A" i got on a report card i was given ten dollars and for every "B" I received five dollars, but for every "D" i got a new chore and for ever "F" something was taken away. If i did something wrong I got grounded and sent to my room, with my computer and tv taken away. As far as fighting with her brother, just separate them. Siblings will always fight, no matter what. Hopefully this is helpful.

Stacy - posted on 11/03/2013

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I dont see it appropriate to ask other mothers if you should spank your daughter in what position or bare bottom or not. If you have spanked her before you should already have in mind how you feel right to discipline her.

Do you discuss with her what she is doing wrong? If not you need to have a deep discussion about it, and if she is seeing her boyfriend without your knowing, how is that happening? Is she sneaking out, during school,etc? If you dont want her to be seeing boys at this age, keep a tight watch on her. drop her off and pick her up from school, when she goes to friends houses, talk to the other parents and make sure you are on the same page where they will be and that no boys will be over. As for her bad behavior, ensure she knows that it is not acceptable, take away privileges like phone tv, time out with friends,etc, until she starts acting better. I know how teen girls are (lol I was one too), you cant be too strict on them because they will rebel, but you cant give them too much freedom either. Hormones are raging and they need limits and positive guidance from their parents. Make sure you and hubby are setting an example on how you want her to behave, set your limits and be firm, but also once she starts acting better, give her freedom little at a time, so she knows the better she is and the better grades she gets, she will be able to do things she wants to do. They need to learn they have to work towards their freedoms in life and for things they want.

I hope that you are already doing everything you can to help her with these issues, just make sure to stay firm and for her to know that yall have the say in what goes and not her. I hope the best for your family

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/03/2013

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No matter how much you don't want to hear it, or you think it's not that bad it is abuse in some places, and depending how you do it, what you do it with, how hard you do it etc.. I don't believe in spankings at all. She will only rebel and resent you two more.
I was the same way when I was her age and she's just being a teenager. Of course she's interested in boys she is going through puberty. Do you remember when you were that young and boys went from "cooties" to "oh, I like him". It's normal. If they are being left alone and intimate, that's a different story. Just keep an eye out.

But spanking is not the answer, they only learn to become abusive like the people who started it.

Helen - posted on 11/03/2013

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If it is for real, and I am still not convinced, then you are pushing your daughter away at a time when she needs your support more than ever. Is she behaving badly or just behaving like a regular teenager? What has happened to get to the stage when you have no trust in her at all? How could humiliating and hurting your daughter ever improve her behaviour or make her feel you are a person she could approach if she ever needed help.
Please get some counselling before it is too late for her.

Evelyn - posted on 11/03/2013

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Let me get this straight: You have decided to spank your 12 year old daughter again because she has a boyfriend, is talking back, getting bad grades, and fighting with her younger brother who is 3 weeks younger than her...are they twins or is he her half brother?

First, for health reasons you should not be spanking her at this age. If she is starting puberty or her monthlys, spanking could damage her since her body is developing still especially in this manner.

Secondly, spanking at this age rarely works. Neither dies time out because she is way too old for that. You need to implement things that go with the actions she is doing that is considered against your rules. If she has any technology like a cell phone, computer, tv set or other things of this nature take them away. Ground her from going out with friends to do things. Give her chores at home to do. Make her earn the use of technology or the rights to do things back. Set up rules for both kids and enforce them. But only give consequences that have to do with the rule breaking.

Third, some things to note here: She is 12. She is going to start noticing boys at this age and may have a boyfriend at school. You can stop the actual dating and tell her no she is too young. It is time to start talking to her about dating and what age is appropriate for this. The bad grades is another thing. If she does well in school and can do the work that is something I would really address with her as responsibility If she has some sort of problem that needs addressing such as a learning delay have that checked out. As for talking back, this can be expected at preteen years. They are not going to agree with mom or dad on things and that is just part of their growing up though you do not have to take it. Tell her that unless she can talk to you nicely you are not going to talk to her. End of it. If she persists in this behavior, then send her to her room, make her write sentences, give her extra chores. Anything like that. As for fighting with siblings, that is pretty much common among siblings. You have to step in and stop it and try to work it out. You are the parent.

As for the spanking being abuse, depending on the state it is against the law. In some if you use an implement to spank with on a bare bum, that is grounds for abuse as well. Most suggest spanking on the bum with an open hand and not to the point of leaving any marks because if you do and she says anything about it, you will be in trouble.

As I said, spanking at this age is not worth it as it does not work anymore. You need to investigate some of my suggestions here and try them out or go to counseling.

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