How to correct my child?

Rita - posted on 11/21/2011

Oh my darling how I sympathise with you! My son is nearly one and has been walking since he was 10 months old and a mad keen climber...so much so that we are just about sitting on the floor as we have removed a lot of things to avoid injury. Unfortunately, it is being patient with him that will get you through. Remove ANYTHING you don't want broken or that can hurt himself on and that's half the battle over. Give him things he can play and touch and gradually work on teaching him to 'be gentle' and rewarding with lots of praise, cuddles and kisses when he does well. It is hard to find a balance between being firm and giving in..but you will get the hang of it. Little man has had to adjust too! Good on you for stepping up!

Penny - posted on 11/21/2011

I agree with both Terise and Valerie below. I recommend parenting classes. I took a class called active parenting when my kids were two. It has been a life saver.

Pam - posted on 11/21/2011

i agree with Amy D. below.

Terise - posted on 11/21/2011

I think you are being way too hard on him. One year olds dont understand much! You say you realize he is a baby but really I dont think you do realize just how long it takes for a child to understand us. Good on you for taking him in though. I wish you all the best.

Valerie - posted on 11/21/2011

my god its 2011 & how many of you ar still slapping your kids.....we had waggy finger for discipline & with a low firm voice waggy finger said NO & meant it....if i didnt want the kids near something it was burn & failing all else there was the naughty step which could lead to bed....raised 2 with waggy finger & burn....get lil man to focus on you & stop smacking him before you find yourself in more trouble than you want

Corinne - posted on 11/21/2011

On the subject of time out - www.ahaparenting.com has good info & reasons behind why 'time in' (love & attention) is more appropriate & successful than 'time out'. Very interesting reading.

Corinne - posted on 11/21/2011

Please spend some time looking at the info, suggestions & Q&A on www.AhaParenting.com. You will get loads of ideas & greater understanding.
Laughing is the way small children release tension - tension that is created by, e.g. him not understanding your communication (he can't understand why you don't want him to explore), his change in environment coming to live with you, and you smacking (hurting) him rather than using loving connection & understanding.
To 'correct' our children, we serve them well in life by looking first at how we can correct ourselves. Harder work, but there are huge rewards :) Please take a look at the website mentioned - I find it so useful!

Nancy - posted on 11/20/2011

Get a grip! He's only one. Keep telling him sternly "no" but a simple and very slight slap on the hand will eventually get his attention. One thing wrong with kids today is that no one smacks their kids any more. I don't mean to beat him but a small smack is going to eventually let him know that his behavior is not good. And most of the time a smack is NOT going to be necessary. Your stern NO will be enough.

Clarissa - posted on 11/20/2011

There is oe super power that works well with one year olds and that is the power of distraction.

Jane - posted on 11/20/2011

Redirection, babyproofing and limiting how much you say no may all help. The more you say "no," the more he's going to say it back to you. So, when you can, try to tell him what he CAN or SHOULD do rather than what he should not.

Clarissa - posted on 11/20/2011

This is a crucial time in their life and it is normal for them to test boundaries. As a new parent figure it is normal to feel frustrated but remain gentle and calm. Try to understand where he is in life. It is good to teach them choice and consequence.

Clarissa - posted on 11/20/2011

This is a crucial time in their life and it is normal for them to test boundaries. As a new parent figure it is normal to feel frustrated but remain gentle and calm. Try to understand where he is in life. It is good to teach them choice and consequence.

Sonia - posted on 11/20/2011

I'm a mom by adoption, and despite what we would LIKE to think, parenting kids who have been adopted needs to be a little different because they need to first build a secure trust relationship with you before they care whether or not you are displeased with their behavior. Do LOTS of nurturing: rocking, bottle feeding where YOU'RE holding the bottle, go over-the-top in meeting all of his real or imaginary needs. Babyproof like crazy, have some safe things that he can get into and mess around with (tupperware drawer). Redirect if it's unsafe "Not safe! Let's do (this) instead". Set him up for success as much as possible -- ie don't bring on the power struggle just to prove you can win. Best wishes to you! You are doing an awesome thing by taking him in!!!!

Donna - posted on 11/20/2011

Don't smack him he is only 1, just keep saying no, maybe take him away from the situation.

BERNADETTE - posted on 11/20/2011

Keep him busy doing positive things so you can reinforce his good behaviour. If you make a big fuss about the negative things he does he will do them even more as you have reinforced the behaviour. If he is doing something you do not like him to do distract him with something else- trying not to notice the negative behaviour. If it is dangerous you may have to physically remove him from the danger by picking him up and taking him away from it. What ever behaviour you make a fuss about will more than likely increase so be careful what you reinforce.
Bernadette

Angela - posted on 11/20/2011

Post a reply!when my five year old was with my parents when I was in iraq on deployment they discovered that putting him on time out they took his toys away and made him read a book instead if you prefer not to let him have a book because he might tear out the pages and at the time my parents had him he was a year old and it worked. I'm not saying that it will work for your nephew but the best thing u can do is try it out and see how it goes my stepmom was a daycare provider and often took him to work with her that is part of how they got him used to being on time outs.

Angela - posted on 11/20/2011

Unless it's something harmful that he is doing I would just redirect his attention to something else. Boys can be a bit stubborn :) . Make sure you are using a firm voice and be consistent. Since he's only 1, chances are he's going to be getting into EVERYTHING for a while longer. Baby proof the dangerous areas like steps or light sockets. He probably thinks you're playing a game when you smack him.

Heather - posted on 11/20/2011

It's also never too early to start using statements like, "This is the right thing to do"... "it's rude to make faces when you don't like what I'm saying"..."We do it like this...". Lots of praise when doing the right thing... even as you guide his hands towards the thing that you want him to do.

If he's laughing at your saying no, he may have already learnt that some people don't mean it and that nothing happens (like moving him away, placing his hands somewhere else etc) if he ignores you. Make sure that he knows that you are one of the people that love him so much that you are willing to train him in how to be happy and well behaved and that you are not one of the people that don't do anything and can be ignored.

Ethel I. - posted on 11/20/2011

Evaluate yourself as well. Are you a intense or impatient person?

Tara - posted on 11/20/2011

Redirection and CONSISTENCY!
Think its tough at 1?!?!
Wait till 2 and 3!
Just be patient, him not listening is not the end of the world though it may seem that way!

Eileen - posted on 11/20/2011

You just have to be firm and consistent... When he laughs you have to resist the urge to laugh at him, it may well be cute now, but later, ahhh not so much. Firm and consistent, i think thats the key.
Good luck, taking in a child who is already 1 has issues of its own, but love will prevail. Parenting is not meant to be easy, but is very rewarding!

Darlene - posted on 11/20/2011

As most everyone has said, he is just a baby, use your voice to correct him. Once he understands the tone of your voice and that you mean business, yet you are still loving, he will listen. Right now is a tough time for him, give him time to get to know you better and all will be fine. Hang in there.

Shalomith - posted on 11/20/2011

Put him on time out,find a chair and let that be the time out chair.

Rhonda - posted on 11/20/2011

I have a 20 month old boy. He is going thru a rebellious stage that started as soon as he could walk. He knows when he is not listening. Even tho others have posted that they are too you g to know... That is soo untrue haha. My baby will look me in the eyes and do something that I just told him not to. It's what they do. It's part is having a toddler. You aren't doing anything wrong. It's a learning game for both you and baby. I find my boy listens way better if I say "Kruz please don't Push those buttons on the tv" where if I say KRUZ NO! He will really act up. He is pretty good at listening when I'm calm and ask nice. If he still doesn't listen... I give him a time out or a smack on the bum. I think it's important to be stern, emotionally solid, and loving when you are teaching. If they see you are really upset then it's a whole new game for them. Just say things like... Ha no way little man! I love you waaay to much to let you play with that! Give him a kiss and move on. Don't pay anymore attention to his last mistake. I dunno if this helped but that's what I do. I don't dwell I just make sure he knows it's not gunna fly in my house and keep on trucking with my day. Good luck. You'll do great! Love and discipline together will make a wonderful child.

Angel - posted on 11/20/2011

That's normal!;) u juz have to explain to him
as if he is adult n understands (as they actually do) and repeat n repeat again till he gets it that this is not a game you are playing with him... Wat a good natured little boy! They are such Angels at that age;) my son is 6 now and understands but still always does things I say "no" to... Haha;)

Mary - posted on 11/20/2011

Well number one don't ever hit him even if you smack his hands because it teaches them that hitting is ok. You just have to be persistent and do things in a loving way. try giving him a time out, put a chair in a corner and have him sit in it but only for a few minutes and every time he tries to get up just sit him back down. You have to remember he is just a wee one so won't always understand what it is he did wrong. When you see him starting to do something he shouldn't try steering him towards some other thing to do. But most of all remember he is still a baby so just love him.

Angel - posted on 11/20/2011

Also, instead of NO, try saying STOP... My friends daughter is autistic and the therapist told her to say stop instead of no, it for some reason had proven to be more effective. Or say no not for baby and exchange the said object with his favorite toy...

Amy - posted on 11/20/2011

My son does that and he is 18 months. Just remember he is in a new place. Him acting up maybe how he shows how he feels. Just keep redirecting him. My son loves to get into our frige. He takes out everything. He laughs as we put everything back. Just keep at it he will learn what he can go into and can't.

Angel - posted on 11/20/2011

Hahaaa. This is a tough one, well, a 1 year old, spanking, no... lightly tapping their fingers, ok... Those r my views, and as far as him not listening, well a 1 year old DOES NOT EVER listen. lol. That's just how it is. And like everyone else said, babygates do wonders. I know EXACTLY how u feel. Also, if he bites, hits or pinches, seclude him. Put him in his playpen with NO toys and leave the room for 5 minutes or so. That's what my sons pediatrician told me to do and it worked wonders! If he hurts u or someone else pick him up and firmly but gently tell him no biting/hitting/pinching. biting/hitting/pinching hurts and put him in the playpen. I did this repeatedly for about a week and my son hasn't bit me since! He hits out of frustration, redirect him... Give him TONS of attention! Thats what he wants, good or bad in his eyes its attention... GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

Dalia - posted on 11/20/2011

Yes, he is just a baby. The only thing you can do at this age is re-direct him to be interested in something else. You do need to relax and adjust your expectations. Smacking is not teaching good behavior. It teaches that you are a smacker.

Dalia Orr

Tane - posted on 11/20/2011

when my son was 1yr now he's 4yrs old i didn't have the funds for a play pen so i would take him every ware if i was outside i would have him in the washing basket so i could keep an eye on him otherwise he would sit in his portacott and play when he started to get more mobile i would just redirect him, as he got older he became harder to redirect and no at 4yr old he gets a little tap on the hand and or time out it works plus if i explain to him what he has done wrong and give him the choice to say sorry and be done with it and cuddle and kiss afterwards :) anyways you have taken on a lot try not to be to hard on yourself chill and enjoy the eperience cause before you know it they will be telling you how it is:)

Tracy - posted on 11/20/2011

smacking his hands is teaching him to hit, it may be an easy thing right now but you don't know what you are getting yourself into by teaching that. My son is 16 months. I "baby-proof" everything, give him a room where he can touch anything so that he can explore and get some freedom. If my son takes something he shouldn't then I sternly tell him No! once or twice (make sure you always use the same word - don't say No and then next say Stop, or Quit etc. use one word and stick to it). Remove whatever it is he shouldn't have and put it out of his reach. Your bigger struggles are yet to come! : )

Alishia - posted on 11/20/2011

Try to use other words than no like that's not for touching and distract him with other things. You will have to repeat this process lots but eventually they understand they cant touch.

Sharon - posted on 11/20/2011

You said you "took in" your nephew, so I am not sure if you will be raising him for a short time or adopting him forever. However, he has definitely felt a loss and a big change in his world. He is only one and right now, he wants to explore, touch, crawl, climb, squish, smoosh, stomp, lick and get to know his world. And that is a good thing. Up to now, he has lived under one set of rules that he knew. He has now come into your home and he doesn't know those rules. I am an adoptive mom, so I will go at this from that angel. Your first job as an adoptive/foster mother is to create a loving and secure environment for this child. You have different rules and expectations that he does not know and children learn by repetition and emulation. Try saying, "in our house, we always eat at a table" and set him back at the table or high chair or booster seat. His first parents might have never set any rules or expectations for him. If they were drug addicts, he probably doesn't even know what a plate or a table is. Hitting him really does no good at this age or any, but that is beside the point. He is a new child to your home, so you will need to step back and "set the stage" for him. How many times will you teach him to stop, look left and look right, before he crosses the street. You will start now and in a few YEARS, you might let him cross a busy street on his own. You would never dream of telling him today and expecting him to do it correctly tomorrow. Repetition, repetition and lots of love and understanding are the key to raising your child.

You also mention that you can't get him to listen. Make sure you are modeling the behavior you expect from him. If you often interrupt others, he will know that what you say and what you do are two different things. Make sure you are listening to him, when he is communicating with you. Even though he is probably not verbal, he does "talk" to you.

Parenting is tough work and I found myself often yelling and getting angry. I have been working on positive discipline techniques like these - repetition, set the ground rules, respectful behavior by all, and my behavior has improved. Which, of course, means my children's behavior has improved. Good Luck!

Sylvia - posted on 11/20/2011

Grasp the child FIRMLY by the shoulders, put on a stern face, make eye contact and keep it. while speaking with the child and say in a firm voice that means business, "NO! You may NOT DO THAT!". If he turns away, pull him back, firmly without hurting him, of course, and make sure he has to look you in the eye. Then repeat the "NO" and reinforce what you just said. This sends the message to a child that young that although you aren't hurting him in any way, you are bigger, stronger, in charge, the boss, and you mean business. You must reinforce the fact that you mean business and you are not amused, EVERY TIME he does this. DO NOT smack his hands. The power of your firm grasp and ability to hold him by the shoulders should be enough to let him know you mean what you say. You've got to do this every time he oversteps the bounds you've set, or you'll defeat your purpose. Cause equals effect.

Robyn - posted on 11/20/2011

Its a difficult age. Can I suggest that first of all, you completely child-proof your house so that any difficult behaviour can't hurt him. Then look for ways to reward him for good behaviour. Children that age really don't understand negatives. "Don't do that" doesn't make sense to them. "Do this" does make sense to them, especially if its followed by a small reward, like a smile or even better, time with you. They get more reasonable as they get older but two is a hard age too, so be very patient. When they are a bit older you can do more with the positive stuff, like star charts and more satisfying rewards like trips to the part, favourite tv shows etc. Don't reward 1 year olds with sweets. They just make them more difficult because the sugar hypes them up. Also, read a good book like Toddler Taming. If you haven't been through this before, thats a great resource. If you have, all children are different, so its always helpful to consult an expert.

Virinda - posted on 11/20/2011

What are you expecting of a one year old. He must learn to love you first, and you mut have many patience. Love him, play with him, rock him, cuddle him and the obeying will come a little later. He needs lots of love and he needs security now.

Sharon - posted on 11/20/2011

I'm with just about everyone else here Danielle: he is acting his age and you really can't do much about it except baby-proof your house. At this age kids need 24/7 supervision and it makes for very tired and cranky parents (usually Mum). Although I have smacked, I generally don't agree with it. When my kids were younger I sometimes smacked out of frustration - PND and all that - exactly when one shouldn't do it! Whilst I don't think they are the worse off for a few little smacks, I don't think they are the better off either. I can think of about 150 better ways I could have handled them (and still do!) but it's hard when you're in the middle of it and even harder when you are thrown in the deep end as you have been. To be honest, I am still wondering when mine will start listening - and so are all my friends, whether smackers or not!

Tracey - posted on 11/20/2011

I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old and there are parenting classes called "love and logic" and they are AMAZING......the techniques work-if you follow through with them. You can also order books from the love and logic institute and CDs if you don't have time to read them and u can listen while driving. Seriously, I get women at the store, etc...and grandparents constantly remarking on how awesome my kids respond to my parenting and it is completely the love and logic techniques. Best of luck to u !!

VICKIE - posted on 11/20/2011

If you never had kids before it would be great to spend time with other mothers his age so you can get a support group. If he haven't had stability it will take time to get him to know the rules in your house. Be patient and keep talking to him daily about right and wrong. Baby proofing isbalso excellent. He is to young to understand what the smack is. It will cause him to smack others. He need love, attention and guidance. Pray for wisdom on how to handle your situation. This is new to both of you guys and it will take time. At one he is still a baby. He don't really know what No means yet. Praying for you guys. Glory to God that you took him in that's a Blessing now you have to focus on helping him get use to the change and he will learn day by day.

Diane - posted on 11/20/2011

NO HITTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diane - posted on 11/20/2011

How long did you try EVERYTHING? It is patience and repetition. The punishment should fit the crime and be totally age appropriate. You say he laughs when you tell him no? What would you rather he did? He's ONE! Thats what they do. Have you tried watching the Super Nanny? Iknow it sounds too funky but it is VERY educational which sounds like what you need in this case. Best of luck and you might want to try some parenting classes in your area as well. They really do help!!

Natalie - posted on 11/20/2011

It can help to toddler-proof your home so there are less things to worry about. Cognitive development on his part means that he may not know that your limits are important, so you can only make things safe for him and expect him to explore. Saying 'no' and providing a distraction worked best for me (after trying to reduce the issues by changing things in the house). Please be aware that if you use physical means, he will remember and think that it's OK to do this. When you are trying to get through to him, move your body down (crouch) so you are eye to eye, then keep the language very simple. I hope you find times to have lots of fun with him too. It's a tricky time but there is a lovely one to follow this, when a child gets more self-control (closer to 2 years) and you have a beautiful connection.

Heather - posted on 11/20/2011

NEVER Hit a child. Try removing him from the situation. You can put him in a pack and play when he is doing something that you don't want him to do. Or, if he grabs something that he shouldn't have, tell him that he can't play with that, and then give him a toy that he can play with. Patience Auntie. He will get it. He just needs some love and your attention. He is ONLY 12 months old and he probably hasn't been taught very much at this point by who ever was taking care of him. If you need to talk you can email me at mysticbutterfly37 at yahoo.com. I have a 4 and 2 year old, and I have been babysitting since I was 12 years old, I am now 36!

Gabrielle - posted on 11/20/2011

Creating a loving and understanding environment is most important for a growing child. A child needs room to grow and to explore; a one year old needs both but with respectful boundaries. At this age a child will test your limits and tire you out at the same time but don't give up and know that this is just the beginning for this battle will last till the child is nearly 5. When you see your child doing something that is undesirable to you, tell him to stop and help him find something new to occupy his time. You will have to do this repeatedly. When he stops doing an act that you don't like, tell him Thank You and what a good boy he his, never say he his bad or you don't like him. When he throws a fit, don't react, just turn away and he will move on when he notices you aren't moved by him. Every few minutes try to enteract with him to give him positive attention, sometimes this helps with the constant need to get your negative attention.

Diane - posted on 11/20/2011

Just dont laugh and dont smack, just try this. Focus his attention on something across the room, such as a toy or stuffed animal and make a big deal out of it ( like its the best thing in the world). A baby's attention span is so little and he will not understand why you are smacking him any way. He will start smacking you and other people if you keep doing it. Also ignoring him and walking away works sometimes , when he does something wrong.. He will see that you are not giving and feeding attention to him when he is doing something negative. Unless it is dangerous to him. When he does something good then make a big deal out of it (WOW you are a big boy and clap for him) This will make him want to please you more, because of all the wonderfull attention. Hope that helps.

Mandy - posted on 11/20/2011

As has been said, he is only one. He is learning everything.What everything means in terms off what is said to him and what things do, how they taste etc. He won't listen to you but you continue to address his behavior consistently with follow through and he will learn what it all means. When he does something that he shouldn't, describe what you want or don't want very simple terms, examples, don't touch, not a toy, not yours, dangerous, no hit, no shove, play nice, share, take turns, don't eat, thats yucky, be gentle, etc. Than demonstrate the behavior you want so he understands, praise him when he does it, give hugs and kisses, tell him to give it to you, take it calmly if he doesn't as already suggested, explain why simply,like stated above, use time out 1 minute per year so for one minute for big things like hitting but not for everything. You can also redirect and trade, if he is doing something he shouldn't get him distracted with a new object, game, area of the house etc, trade him a toy for what he has that he shouldn't have or to help him share/ take turns, when he cries, hug him and reflect his feelings, frustrated, disappointed sad etc but dangerous, not yours etc. baby proof your house so you don't have to say no all day. I have a 4 year old and a one year old. I smacked my one year old hand once and what did she do... responded in the same way when she was frustrated. The aforementioned work significantly better. I applaud you for taking him him. It is a big step and when you are new to parenting hard to figure all this out. Good luck! Love him that is most important of all.

Kathleen - posted on 11/20/2011

It's hard at this age. I have found that it works best if you say no one time and then just go over and remove him from the problem. For example, if he is standing on a chair, tell him to sit down. If he doesn't go over and take him off the chair and say "I said to get down". But don't make a big deal of it. Make a REALLY big deal when he does do what you tell him to. Problem is, if they get more attention when they are misbehaving, they will continue to do what gets them attention. Give him attention when he is playing nicely, or does what you say. Do not react when he disobeys, just go make him obey without a big reaction. I know this is hard and it takes a lot of your time and concentration but, that's what they require at this age.

Jennifer - posted on 11/20/2011

I have a 16 month old and a 3 year old, and the thing that I used alot is giving them a chance to correct the behavior themselves. Now your nephew is a little young but if you start now he will get it. When my son would touch something I didn't want him to I would tell him "that's not for you" (because the more you say "no" the less impact it has) and tell him to walk away from it or bring it to me if he already picked it up. If he didn't I would tell him to make a good decision and at about 16 months I could see him really thinking about it and I would continue to tell him to bring it to me or to leave it alone and after a while this really worked. I would only have to tell him once. Now there were consequnces when he didn't listen. He would have to spend 1 min in his playpen with no toys if it was something that was dangerous and if not I would just walk over, take it away and tell him again that was not for him. If it's more like hitting or things like that. I would very firmly grab his arm and tell him we don't hit and if he did it again he was going to time out. Follow through it huge!!! This has worked great with my daughter too. Hope it helps.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/20/2011

He's only one! He doesn't understand! Stop smacking him. Instead create a YES environment. Put away all the things he shouldn't have and baby proof so that he can play without being told no all day. When he has something that he shouldn't kneel
Down in front of him and instead of saying no try simply saying why he can't have it then quickly redirect
Him to something else. Use stop for when it's dangerous so when you say it he learns to not touch it but only use this occasionally or it loses it's impact. By creating a more positive environment your nephew will be happier, remember he's only one.