How to deal?!

Heather - posted on 01/23/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Hey ladies, I'm new to the website and am horrible with blogs etc! Anyways I'm posting on here today because I've found myself in a situation that is starting to make me question different aspects of my life and relationship which is causing unnecessary conflicts between me and my boyfriend. I've talked to my sister over and over about how I feel yet I still seem to get nowhere... My boyfriend has a child with another woman, the situation its self for me is messed up and his dad has even told me how much it bothers him along with other family members not including mine. His ex was with his brother until they started going behind his back sleeping together, partying and what not soon after they broke up they got together this woman is 40 years old and him 25! Her two oldest daughters were allowed to shower with boys at the age 13 have them sleepover whatever they wanted (so I'm having a hard time dealing with how a "man" could want a child or life with someone like that) not only that but she could practically be his mother. He ended up joining the Navy she got pregnant and it wasn't until after the child was born did they decide to get married, sometimes I don't believe this is his child from the things his mother told me she cheated on him quite often but lying seems to a genetic trait.. To make a long story short I cannot stand his ex or his child not just because the simple fact she isn't mine but her parents let her do what she wants no matter what it is and if I suggest spanking her I'm in the wrong, this child almost had me kicked out of my mom's home because she was throwing a tantrum and he did nothing to stop it. When we first got together he talked about he wanted a kid a family (along with a few lies in between these tales) what I couldn't understand was he had that they both cheated and broke up she still wants him and would go out of her way to have him back. I just feel like I'm stuck in this screwed up triangle and don't know what to do.. I could list other problems I have with this situation but don't want to sound like a negative nancy, so basically my question is what do I do? I've gave up everything my friends, family, college etc. I do feel some resentment towards him we never go out like normal 20 years old do we used to when we first got together now everyone thinks he's just using me for his own benefits a cook, maid and built in babysitter. Its driving me insane feeling like this and I can't express to him how much all this is bothering me not to mention the fact he doesn't even pay attention to his child when she is here that list goes on too. Maybe if someone can bare to read all this and reply I can share other things to that concern me. Thanks ladies and sorry for the long horrid story hope everyone is having a wonderful day and I can't wait to see what everyone has to say about this

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Heather - posted on 01/30/2013

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Sorry for the late response life has been hectic, just found out I had a miscarriage which no one seems interested in caring about everyone was looking at the positive which had built high hopes for me even though I had come to terms that the results wouldn't be great guess that's the fact of life kicking in? Back to the post yes I agree controlling what my mouth and might wants to scream its hard! There is days where I see us together and days not so much these past couple days has been good even though I've been in and out of doctors offices until now guess cause I'm just now realizing that I could have would have had a child had we not been in a car accident, I told his ex to keep his kid I did not want her around right now but guess since she has 3 children its okay for me to watch hers while I'm sitting here trying to figure things out in my which leaves part of me angry and thinking you both have a child so it doesn't really affect you so on just simply puts me back where I was.. some of our problems are because of me and how I feel about all this, he tries to be a good boyfriend but sometimes he's too childish to get the bigger picture. I'm just trying to hold myself together right now and keep my mouth shut

Dove - posted on 01/23/2013

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If he's willing to go to counseling with you and change and compromise and put in the effort it will take for you to both be satisfied in your relationship with each other and with his child (and him attempting to co-parent with biomom)... yes. If not... no.

One very painful and frustrating lesson that I have learned in life (and have to be reminded of quite frequently) is that you have absolutely no control over the actions and behaviors of another human being... no matter how much you want to. You can say or do things to make it seem like your way is the 'best' way (particularly when raising kids), but it's still the other person's choice to do it or not.

Sucks, huh? Some days I'd REALLY like the power to control another human being. Other days I have enough trouble just trying to control myself though. lol

Heather - posted on 01/23/2013

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True that is a good point! If I don't leave him though any suggestions on how to fix these problems in our relationship? I would ask if there was any chance of him growing up but that's just a silly question, unless he really does care and I put the fear of God in him lol. I pray all the time that he will change or help me fix these things that are destroying our future together

Dove - posted on 01/23/2013

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If you leave him and report it anonymously.... there is nothing for YOU to take on.

Heather - posted on 01/23/2013

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Thank you is all I can say! That is a burning question that bugs the crap out of me all the time! I was talking to my mom about it I told her that if and when I decide to have a child I don't want him or her having to live this kind of life I see this child living being tossed back and forth between homes to careless parents, I had that kind of life it was awful no child deserves that I just wish her father would either take enlightenment of having this child or let a family who will love her do so I can't be the step-parent I need to be if her father is so blind by his own childish behavior. I don't see us a having a child we've tried for almost a year now no luck plus we aren't having sex since we got into a car accident which has caused me to bleed... he was more concerned about our vehicle then me..
As for being concerned about his child's well being I am concerned I'm just afraid that if I do something all h@ll will break loose. My mom and her friend believe she's been molested but I'm afraid I don't have enough proof to give them I have pics of back in the summer each time she came home there was something wrong with her blisters from being sunburn, stitches from falling on bricks, swallowing a penny which her mother waited days before taking her to the hospital to get help, the list goes on.. Our friend works for a child support office she would be the one I go to just not sure if I can take all this on ya know?

Dove - posted on 01/23/2013

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Do you want him to neglect your child the way he neglects his own? You can't change him. All you can do is control your own actions. I sure wouldn't want to share a child with this man and would stay as far away from this situation as humanly possible. If you have legitimate concerns for the child (as would I) call CPS to look into it, but unless you have no problem with him dealing with your child the way he deals with his own.... this isn't a good relationship for you to be in.

Otherwise you may be on here in a year or two complaining about how you don't want your baby to be visiting your ex.... only it'll be too late then.

Heather - posted on 01/23/2013

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I might look/sound like a bad person for stating how I feel but I'm just being honest I don't mean to offend anyone either or upset them. There is so much more to this then me not liking this or that, I'm also upset that a grown man decided to have a child and is now ignoring her. I don't even know how to explain certain things for some to understand like his child saying her boobs hurt (she was 3 at the time) or licking a door handle like a crotch to say it nicely, humping things like the door,instead of questioning her mother he chooses to ignore these things so please just because I claimed I don't like the child doesn't mean I don't care, I have 5 nephews two of which are twins I helped raised. I would just like to have someone whom I can discuss these things with and not be judged for and get the best advice possible

Heather - posted on 01/23/2013

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Honestly I love him even though his past bothers, he won't even work with me to try to help me not feel this way he just gets angry. When we first got together I enjoyed going to the park with him and his kid but then after he got me to move in with him everything stopped when his kid is here he doesn't pay attention to her, she stays in her room and watches tv then back to her mother she goes.. I don't want to feel like the bad person in our relationship and it hurts knowing I'm the one who is taking care of someone else's child because her parents didn't think this through its not fair to either of us. I try so hard to make him do stuff with her but he would rather play on his phone or tablet or watch tv

Holly - posted on 01/23/2013

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This is not right on so many levels. It seems as though you need to get out of this situation, way too much drama

Dove - posted on 01/23/2013

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Seriously? Step OUT of the triangle. You hate his kid, you hate his ex, and it doesn't sound like the two of you get along that great either and you are with him.... why?

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