How to deal with a child that left home @ 17 & acts like you don't exsist

Lisa - posted on 06/24/2011

I would inform your son that his behavior with his gf, and since is unacceptable. If he chooses to remain away from your home, that you will list him as a runaway with the police. Anyone who harbors him will be subject to police action. (This may not actually occur, but it did work with a friend in a similar situation with her son. He came home voluntarily and has not left since.) Good Luck

Tah - posted on 02/19/2010

pray about it, but trust me, he will need you before you know it and he will get back in contact....be patient, and when he reaches out let him know how much it hurt the family and it can;t happen again..at 17 you know we thought we knew it all. We learned better and he will also..

Beverly - posted on 02/19/2010

Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. There is no pain like the pain a mother feels when her child goes against everything she has taught him/her. First, stop evaluating your behavior asking yourself where did I go wrong with you. Second, hold your ground in regard to house rules. Third, Trust that God will keep his eye on him and and even ask for confirmation of that fact. (He will provide trust me on this one) and lastly, I am so sorry your heart has been broken. Hang in there Mom....he'll be back and apologize. God bless you.

:)

Jacqui - posted on 02/19/2010

Dear Donna, I have a 17-year old daughter, which I know is different to your scenario. She is still a virgin and is proud of it. Do you know where your son is living and if yes, he is still under-age to be his own boss. Do his gf's parents know what transpired? If you know where he is, you could forcibly get him to return, although it may make matters worse. The only other thing is to go to him and insist on discussing the issues between you and also re-emphasize the house rules, but perhaps you can reach some sort of compromise. You may have tried all these options, in which case all one can do is wish you luck and hope that somehow the situation works out. God bless.

Carol-agnetha - posted on 02/19/2010

i also think boys seem to fall really hard in love at the age, so its his emotions and hormones raging

Carol-agnetha - posted on 02/19/2010

its such a difficult age as they think they know everything! you need to give him enogh rope to hang himself!! by letting him get on with it... he will do it with her somewhere, so us parents just cant stop it.. get him to be responsible. make sure hes using condoms. maybe only one night a week the gf can stay? as long as the other children cant see. make a deal with him.. unfortunately the law doent back us parents after they are 16

Lori - posted on 01/28/2010

I have been having major issues with my 17 year old girl as well. My has ranaway twice...both times with a boy. (We don't approve of her drug dealer/user boyfriend!) I called the police and they told me that legally she can not leave home until she is 18 and unil then she's my responsiblty. (we live in Texas so I'm not sure what your laws are)We found her both times and have made her come home. I told her that she will live here if she likes it or not until she turns 18 in 6 months. That way I know she will graduate. After that I really think she will leave but I don't think it will be long until she's back wanting and needing money, food, clothes and love! I tell her I'm not here to be her friend...but to be a parent and to teach her how to be an adult!

Elaine - posted on 01/28/2010

Hi Donna,
I am so sorry to hear your going through this & I understand how you are feeling, as I have been through a simular situation!!! I just sent txt messages every couple of days reminding the child how much we loved them & we prayed they were staying safe!!!
It is very difficult indeed when they dont want contact with you!!! I found the txt messages good as I could really think about what I wanted to say & word it carefully!!
I hope all works out ok for you!!! God bless

Sharon - posted on 01/27/2010

hey didnt get 2 read other txts or coments,at 17 hes not a child.hey i no wat ur going through i ave 5 kids eldest 19,no txt book with kids,u ave 2 give a bit of frredom.its ur home though so he has 2 respect dat the more u try &keep dem away from each other the more dey will be attracted.i know as ive been der.pull back,i no its hard but u ave 2.good luck.but plse for your sanity jus as long as der protected dats all u can do hun

Kelly - posted on 01/27/2010

Sounds rough Donna. As I said earlier..........I feel for ya ! Being the single mom of 2 "adult" sons.........I know how stubborn they can be. They think they have all the answers. It never once occurs to them how much they hurt their parents with their actions. I'll pray for ya girl. I hope he turns around and you get an invitation to the wedding. He will regret that later in life........even if HE doesn't think so !!! Hang in there !

Donna - posted on 01/27/2010

I wanted to thank each and every one of you women that have responded! There are alot of different opinions and I have read every one & am trying to take pieces and use them in this situation! I HAVE emailed, text, and even tried calling--no answer on any of it! I have been informed through friends of friends that they plan on getting married in the summer--WOW what a blow! He graduates in May and don't know whether he will send an invite or not---and now a wedding???? I will keep praying but it looks very futile at this point! Me and his step-dad seem to be the only ones that are concerned about the choices he is making...his Bio Dad is an alcoholic and as long as his son drinks with him--he doesn't care about much else! His grandparents are to interested in giving him everything he wants and making sure he is NEVER upset that they really don't care...uuuggghh!!! Just not sure anymore!!!

Renee - posted on 01/26/2010

Give him space. I went through a lot at that age, and pulled some "disappearing acts" on my parents. I know now that I put them through hell, but at that time I needed space. It is possible to care too much, kids need to figure some things out on their own. Yes, I made mistakes, but in the end I feel confident in telling you to have faith in what you taught him all his life. It may seem as if he has forgotten all of it right now, but the values you instilled in him are still there somewhere I'm sure. He will come around when he gets it all straight in his own head, without anyone telling him how he should act or feel. Keep him lifted up in prayer and trust that God will send him back to you when the time is right...remember God's time isn't always our time. Good luck :)

Candice - posted on 01/24/2010

Donna, your family is in my prayers just let him know that no matter what you will always love him, but there are things that you just can not have in your home.
I always told my boys that no matter what they did I would always love them even if I did not approve or agree with the choices that they made. I think that is probably why everything is working out.
The oldest quit school at 17 and left home & moved in w/this friend & that friend;doing nothing but partying & laying around,not working or contributing at all. Then he finally moved all the way to South Carolina from Missouri. He now has a beautiful daughter,a wonderful girlfriend,his own home & a good job.
We talk on~line every day & he calls me every weekend.
There is hope.

Rhonda - posted on 01/24/2010

give him some time he would come around you are his mother and children love they mother, he just want his own way that is why he is acting like that don't give in but make sure you know where he is at all times you still care your rules are your rules.God bless you

Linda - posted on 01/24/2010

Hang in there...keep letting him know that you love him and that you are there for him. Is he still going to school? My daughter was 15 when she moved out and went to live at a neighbors house. She refused to go to school and missed her whole sophomore year. She moved back home at the end of the school year and told me she was going to graduate with her class and SHE DID!

Judy - posted on 01/24/2010

Something similar happened with our son . He didn't have anything to do with us for quite awhile. Send your son a letter or call him and tell him that you still love him and he is always welcome to come home.....with rules. Keep the lines of comunication open and it will all work out. Our son is 36 now and we have a good relationship.

Julie - posted on 01/24/2010

what you resist-persists. release him with love. only then, will he be able to return.

Candice - posted on 01/24/2010

Great news~ Saw my son yesterday;talk about tears :( But, he looked good & his attitude was 100% different! ) I did not buy him alot of Christmas presents due to the fact that he couldn't be bothered w/my feelings; so I bought some socks & food & misc. necessities. He kept saying thanks mom! Instead of his old "is that it?" or some other rude response.
He admitted that he isn't getting to work alot with it being winter & he does roofing. But, they got another roommate ;now making it 3 of them helping to pay rent. Did not ask for anything said he loved me & would call next weekend.
It was good to see him for myself & know that he really was OK.
I hate the fact that he no longer is at home, but I am also proud that he is standing on his own. He finished school & he is supporting himself. He could be like so many others who drop out & lay around on someone else's couch doing nothing.
To other parents I have to say "pray for their health & well~being & be glad that they are doing well,even if they are not at home;usually they will miss you & come calling"

Karrie - posted on 01/24/2010

Hi Donna, My motto was a little different, my son went threw this too. But he asked me to have his girlfriend around i was unsure but thought I'd rather it happened under my roof and as long as the girls parents knew it was ok within reason. I set times. As to him cutting you off, he is your flesh and blood, maybe you might be able to come to an agreement of sorts. Just don't give up, I lost sixteen years with my family, and both sides miss out on to much. Which in my case I missed out on weddings, deaths and births.My mother and I have only just reconnected an left in my 20's and now I'm in my forties. So please keep trying with your son. I hope it works out.

Kelly - posted on 01/23/2010

Hi Donna................I'm a single mom of 2 sons.........21 and 19. Can't say I've had your problem, however, wanted to let ya know that I feel for you. Our kids can really hurt us with their words and actions and the worst part is that they don't even seem to realize that they hurt us or care that they do. You said you've got 6 kids and the rules never changed. He knew the rules but CHOSE to break them. I also don't see the need for a 17 yr old to be having sex with his girlfriend in YOUR home. I don't approve of that either. I'd have to say ...........leave it alone and he'll come home, dragging his tail behind him. He knows he broke the rule, he knows the rule wasn't going to change just for him and he's using his love as a weapon. As hard as it is...........you may just have to wait for him to come around again. And, he will.............we all need our family (and how serious was the relationship with the girl.........love, lust, sex?). You were expecting the same from him as you do the rest. Not many 17 yr olds can make it on their own these days. When he comes back to you..............welcome him back with open arms. We all make mistakes !! Good luck!

Crickett - posted on 01/23/2010

you were correct.. your home your rules.. give him time..and when you do have a chance take time to listen not just talk.

Eunice - posted on 01/23/2010

First of all do not change the rules. Pray for him and when he returns let him know that the rules will not change. I think he might be embarrassed and doesn't know how to face his siblings. Debrief with the other children to find out what they are thinking and realign their responses to the family's values. I might ask where is Dad in all this? Get him involved in as well. This might be time for a man to man talk.

Lesley - posted on 01/22/2010

As well as the argument he must be feeling many things:- guilt anger justification embarrassment for himself and his G,. but being a teenager I expect that he will put all the blame on you and none on him. You don't say if the argument happened when they were found or later. To my mind it would make a difference. The other point I would like to ask you to think about is if they are having sex is it safer for you to know where they are doing it or wouild you rather they sneak around doing it a car or in a park? Is there anything you could admit and apologise for whether in a letter or phone call to get a two way dialogue going. Please dont think I'm trying say you should change your rules, as you say its been the same for all your children but I feel if he thinks that you think he's so bad he wont want to make contact and boys can be very stubborn.

Candice - posted on 01/22/2010

thank~you joyce!

Joyce - posted on 01/22/2010

I am a 32 year old mother of three, one 7 year old and two 4year olds. I am a nurse and have been married for ten years now. I can't tell you much from the perspective of a mother as mine are too young for that but at age 17 I ran away from home on a wim because I was told I could not do something that I wanted to do. I lived with a friend and then in an apartment. I can see now how selfish I was but I can also see where my parents went wrong. They refused to see that I had grown up and was ready to start making my own life altering decesions. Not every 17 year old is up for that challenge but they all certainly try. Unfortunatly it took me getting very ill and needing my parents help for me to see the value of family. But in hind sight I can honestly say that if my mom and dad told me that we could sit down and talk about the things that I wanted to change and the things they were willing to give on then I may have stayed and worked it out. But as life goes, you make your choices and they lead you to where you need to be. I am happy and have a beautiful family. At 17 kids still need parents, even if they don't want to admit it. He is probably scared to face you and embarrased as to what happened. You should ask him to meet with you somewhere in the middle and talk and listen. Really listen because there is more going on in his head than you can possibly believe.

Good luck.

Candice - posted on 01/21/2010

Thank~you Storm! Your comment made sense & encouraged me with the situation between my son & me. God Bless!

Candice - posted on 01/21/2010

My son also left home at 17 because he didn't want to do chores and was "stranded"

out in the country. We have always been close & were on good speaking terms & even went places together after he moved out. That was 2 years ago. He graduated from High School last May and I have not seen him since. I tried to contact him occasionally w/no luck. (bad phone #) Finally heard from him once in July. No more until right before Christmas. Wanted to know if there was $ here from extended family! Needless to say I hung up on him! Nothing more. Then he calls me out of the blue last weekend & says he is coming into town. (he lives about an hour 1/2 away) Wants to meet up w/me this weekend. We'll see what happens.

it hurts me because he does not even seem to care how much I worry & miss him.

I guess the moral to our stories is that they have left home & are trying to be independent adults & maybe someday soon they will come to their senses. In the meantime we pray. You will be in mine.

Sylvia - posted on 01/21/2010

Some time has passed now and anger should have subsided, if you cannot speak with your son, perhaps writing the good old fashioned letter may help. Just explain simply how you felt at the time, gently reinforce the rules of your house and that he is your son and your door will always remain open or at least your heart. good luck

Amy - posted on 01/21/2010

This too will pass. Focus on strengthening the remaining relations in the house and allow him to find his way back to you. When he does come back it may not be the way you want it to be but at this age they are asserting their own identity.

Audrey - posted on 01/21/2010

@Amy - Excellent advice and so true!!!

Amy - posted on 01/21/2010

I dont have any children that old.. Im actually not that much older than said child. I left home at 17 to move in with my boyfriend because my parents had no rules and there was just no love whatsoever. Doesnt sound like athst the case here but maybe the exact opposite. Maybe your child felt suffocated by rules and regulations (Im not saying that he should have been having girls in his bed, that would REALLY upset me) but in time he will come to realize that parents who make rules, do it because they care. First of all, if he JUST moved out, I mean, if this happened very recently, then you just need to give him time. He will def. come around. If hes been gone for months with not a word then I suggest maybe have his siblings try to contact him repeatedly. He will eventually crack for a sibling, I know I would anyways. Hope this helps a little!

Audrey - posted on 01/21/2010

LEAVE HIM BE, he'll be back... Been there... And when he does call or show up and ask to come back, say yes and make the SAME rules apply... Do Not soften or your door will swing back and forth and he will never mature... but don't be hard, thoughtless, nagging or nasty... Be loving and give your opinion only when asked but have the same house rules... It's your roof, not his...

Paula - posted on 01/21/2010

Give him time to grow up and see the world through his "adult" eyes. He will eventually see that life is hard enough without alienating those that love him and he will come around. Sounds like he has some rebellious issues and respect issues, along with a very disrespectful girlfriend. Shame on him for having her and going against your rules...but be strong and know that you did nothing wrong. He made his choices and now has to live with them. Prayer is the greatest thing in the world for all times. Go with god!

Cathy - posted on 01/21/2010

Time, contact him however you can, send him text's or emails every few days saying you love him and miss him and want him home. Let him know you are ready to talk when he is, but put no pressure on him.

Rose - posted on 01/21/2010

My kids are not that old yet( thank god),but i believe your reaction was very normal. And being tough now will only secure his beliefs later in life. Now might be hard but he'll come around. Remember when we were young all the bad mistakes we had made. But i had parents that would always have my back if i did get into trouble. When he does come around remind him that getting a girl "in trouble" is not fun at 17. My sister had a child at 15 and she's stuggled her whole life!!!!!!!! Good luck!

Beverly - posted on 01/21/2010

I dont know the laws in your state but some states you have to report them as a runaway so you dont get into trouble. My sister is dealing with the same thing and in Oklahoma the parent goes to jail for child neglect. I would definetly talk to your son about the having sex in your home but as far as him having sex, a kid will find any place to do it at. Set some ground rules about what happens and remind him that he has other siblings that look up to him, if you know the parent of the other child they may want to know there child ids having sex, i know i would. So what if they get made at you, theyll understand when they have kids of there own. all kids hate there parents they will get over it. ultimitley its a family decision but just check the laws in your state to make sure that you dont get arrested.

Reba - posted on 01/21/2010

Giving him time is the way to go, and pray for him. Stand your ground with firm but loving attitude. At 17 kids think their parents are dumb and we know nothing. As they get older they find out how samrt we really are. Keep good thoughts and your faith.

Beverley - posted on 01/21/2010

Hang in there and just let him know you love him but step nack and give him some space. Before long, he will realise he needs you more than he will care to admit. It may take the eventual approach to come from you but don't let pride get in the way.



My eldest stormed out of home for Gods knows what reason and spent the next 18 months away from home with this friend or that. She finally came to realise that her Mum and Dad loved her and would be there if and when she needed us. Now she is back home again - with a baby in tow but much older and wiser.

Brittney - posted on 01/20/2010

I think as parents we try and teach our children to be independent and to learn to make their own choices. And I believe those are really good things. However we also have to set rules and guidelines and when those aren't followed there has to be consequences! Now as for him living with the grandparents...I would talk to them and see what their feelings are, but as parents I would hope that they would be willing to work with you on this. I would also be talking to Dad and getting him on the same page. If he feels he is adult enough to live on his own, then as parents and grand parents you need to let him live on his own. Coddling him is not going to help the behavior.
I think you need do stick to your guns, love him, let him know you love him, but rules are rules, and if he is going to break those rules then there will be consequences. Hang in there, I know it's got to be rough. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ruth - posted on 01/20/2010

Stand by your principles! If not your son will not learn to stand by his as he matures.

You are setting a great example of what it means to be true to your values. You can love unconditionally but still say, "You will not cross this line."

This is not the time to whimper in the corner but the time to stand tall knowing you are doing what is right. It's called tough love. Yes, it will hurt and yes he will be angry, but do not let him control the situation by dictating the terms of his visit.

He's using your love for him against you by deliberately hurting you emotionally and showing great disrespect. Unless you and your husband stand your ground and take control of the situation your son will continue to play the victim card.

Let him know you love him but also allow him to experience the consequences of his actions. If it means not allowing him back into your home until he can show proper respect, so be it. If it means completely removing all financial support, so be it.

He wants to be treated like an adult he must accept the responsibilities of an adult. It will be one of the greatest gifts you can give him.

As you can tell I'm pretty passionate about this topic. We raised 4 children to adults. One of them was on the same path as your son. She got pregnant in HS, lost a chance for a full athletic scholarship to college, married and divorced, had another child out of wedlock, ran away with a fugitive, leaving her kids behind and ended up in trouble with the law. It wasn't until we followed the above advice that she changed her life around.
Today we have a great relationship. She is a single mom of 3 beautiful girls, going to college full time and has a bright future ahead of her.

It's about respect and taking responsibility for his actions. Teach him that and he will be fine.

Wishing you the best.

Donna - posted on 01/20/2010

As far as people telling me to bend the rules and be flexible...I have been as much as possible! I try to be open to all of my children! But having sex or sleeping with your GF/BF in my home will NOT be allowed! I have 4 other children under him, I have to keep some guidelines in my home! and beside God did not make us the parents so that our children could make the rules and guide themselves! I do alot of praying & trying to turn it over to God. But I do not think that lowering my morals or values for my family is the answer. Then he just thinks that not only I but everyone should make him the exception to the rule...and we all know life doesn't make exceptions and neither does God!!!

Carol - posted on 01/20/2010

It is so hard to have one of the family basically walk away. Many teenagers do this. You need to have an open discussion with the children remaining at home. Explain to them that you love them, that the rules have not changed and that your son is trying to find the right path, even if he has chosen the hardest way of doing so.
Leave the lines of communication open. Don't chase him let him figure out how hard it is to live without your support (financially and emotionally). If you know where he is staying, try to open a dialog with the adult (if there is one) who runs that household, so that you will have some knowledge of his activities.

Donna - posted on 01/20/2010

Thank you Dawn, and I do hope it will get better! He is NOT homeless or staying with friends, he moved 3 hours away to stay with his grandparents from his dad's side! I have tried talking to him, he wont respond! He did come by Christmas to pick up his Christmas gifts but asked that he not have to see or speak to me! Its not just me he wont talk to ..its his siblings to & they had nothing to do with our argument! I do understand about adjusting the rules per child..all of our children are handled per individual when it comes to the consequences of their actions, after all each instance & child are different! But we are a blended family and with 6 children we have to have some sort of common rules in our home in order for us to remain the parents! we have talked extensively to ALL of our kids about openness and we are ALWAYS here for them..and we have talked to them about sex, pregnancy etc...we have a very close family and this was just a blow to us all! But he is the second oldest and he has 4 younger ones that look up to him--I couldn't allow him to do as he wanted, or else the other 4 would assume they could do the same! I'm just lost as to how to cope with this!! I love him so much and being here at home isn't my main concern---I just need him to know that we love him, and we need to know that he loves us! But it seems that since he has his GF that he no longer needs any of us! But he is dating a girl that has NO respect or appreciation for her family...do you think this could be affecting his perspective on how he views us??

Daphne - posted on 01/20/2010

As a parent we're often placed in a position where our children lash out when they are unhappy with us. Do you remember the "You're mean" and the classic, "I hate you"? He will eventually come around once his anger over not being treated like the adult he thinks he is fades. At 17, we all waiver between wanting the freedom to fly and the safe haven our parents represent. Some children will take the paved road through life, following were other have gone before them; the remainder choose to take the harder, uncut road. I have one who took the harder road. It may take a while, but eventually, he'll realize the limits you set were to protect him. Be there for him when he calls, he will find he needs his family.

Jacqueline - posted on 01/20/2010

Gosh ! isnt 17 the toughest age EVER you want your independance yet the luxury of being at mom and dads but you dont want to adhere to anyones rules. I have a 17 yr old some ppl think we are "hardasses" but we dont allow the gf to be in the house after 11 unless we are home and they are not in the basement or in his room that is a hude NO NO. He has to be home by 1 am and there are no sleepovers at anyones house (cause i know what a sleepover entails lol been there done that got my butt kick for it). I tell my son these are my rules for you till your head gets removed from your butt, we make the conversations very light he and I laugh alot when i give him heck and arguoing has subsided alot.
You said you have 6 kids if he is one of the olders ones you cant give in and become noodles alowing him to walk all over you guys you have to show the other kids "these are my rules there is no other way in this house " or you become an early grandma . Give him time he will realize he cant do all that he thinks he can, work, school and living expenses can get to the better of us , a 17 yr is not mentally equipped to deal with it all . good luck and make sure you always let him know he is always loved no matter what.

Wendy - posted on 01/19/2010

It will only be a matter of time before he realizes how much things cost and he isn't old enough even to vote. When he sees what his mistake is, welcome him home with open arms and a kiss.

Kids are silly, we were young once...stupid mistakes don't mean they last forever.

Angel - posted on 01/19/2010

i say let him go an dgive him time as they say we all go through it were we think we no it all at that age then relize we ned are family.i hope everything works out for u. i no its tough i am going through almost the same thing and mine is 15.so god bless.xox

Jane - posted on 01/19/2010

You may have to make the first move. Have you communicated to him that you are upset out of concern for him on many different levels?? They think they are all grown up, and from the other side, we know it isn't so. Are they practicing safe-sex? Can he understand the standards set in your home are for the benefit of everyone? Let a cool-down period take place, and reach out, out of love, not just pain and anger.

Nancy - posted on 01/19/2010

If you give in and break the rules for him, he'll never learn to respect you or other people. All he'll learn is that if he waits long enough, people will give in. If your relationship was stable before all this I'm sure he's no happpier than you right now. Hold your ground and your morals. Don't give in because your heart is aching. There are many things we do to protect our morals and that is how our children learn from us. Stay strong and pray that God continues to protect him and guide him in the right direction. Let him know that you'll be there for him, but he'll have to respect you in return for your help.

Dawn - posted on 01/19/2010

Hi Donna
I am a fifty year old mother of three,a 28 yr. old boy, a 24 yr. old girl and last but not least a 20 yr old boy. Each of my children have at some point moved out when they were in their teens. I thought I was going to die!!!!!!!!!!!! the first time a child of mine moved out,so I get it..... but I say keep your chin up,cause there is no place like home for all of us even a stubborn 17 yr old. He still loves you,you still love him so all will work out in the end I have also taken other peoples children into my home.The parents usually respond by telling me I shouldn't take them in . To that I say I will not see any child or young adult on the street because if it were my child I would be grateful that my child was not sleeping on the street or a homeless shelter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At 17 is when he thinks he doesnt need you at all but in reality its when he needs you most.I say maybe take him out for lunch or to a movie not pressuring himto come home but at the same time you are letting him know he is loved.Soon he will be asking to come home I wish you lots of luck and please keep in touch I would like to know how things are or even if you just want to vent lol Dawn