How to deal with adult children who can not hold down a job

Janis M - posted on 03/15/2013

wow, I can really relate to you. My husband is threatening to move out because he can't stand being around my son. My son has ADHD and a drug problem. I believe there could be other problems undiagnosed as well. He looks normal and has a good social life but cannot keep a job. I have considered getting him his own place but feel guilty because my other son is succeeding without my funds. My son will be 26 this weekend. We also feel like failures. I do think alot has to do with the ADHD. It is so difficult to nail down the medicine and treatment that will help them succeed. Just know you are not alone.

Holly - posted on 02/21/2013

for the psychotic melt downs you need to get him into a facility that will treat him... do not let him check himself in, you check him in. ALSO if he is destroying property and threatening you call the police. he needs to be treated as an adult, not a teenager. this is enabling him. I work for a psychiatrist/ addiction therapist, I have seen MANY people like this who have NEVER been held accountable for their actions.

Holly - posted on 02/21/2013

kick them out. too many people label their children with disabilities to make excuses for them... my grandmother is bipolar, i am bi polar, the doctor i work for is bipolar. many people who are bipolar think they are ADHD because of their manic phases... when they are manic, they bounce around like they are ADHD... not the same thing... because when they are not in their manic phases they aren't bouncing around any more, they are seriously depressed. the reason that few girls want to date them is because they can't provide anything for them, nor do they have the motivation to. they live at home with their mother and almost 30yo... kick them out... give them 1 month to find a job and a place. I will tell you they will be very motivated to finding a place. make them pack all their crap into boxes and schedule apartment viewings. make sure that they are actively LOOKING. get a calendar and mark off days. if you need to go with them to look at apartments then fine. but make sure that they do.

Janice - posted on 02/21/2013

I'm a nervous wreck. My husband blocked him from my phone but he won't know it. He will just think I'm not answering his texts which will make him even madder. I am not allowed to speak to him right now, my husband wants him to call him if he needs anything. As an enabler for all these years, I was in contact with my son every day. This is rough!

Dove - posted on 02/20/2013

If he is threatening to kill himself... you get him committed to the hospital on a suicide watch. If he is a danger to himself or others you do no one any favors by blocking him and ignoring him. You can't force him to get help UNLESS he is making threats... then he's either locked in a hospital... or could wind up in jail.

Make the calls before someone ends up dead. Please.

Janice - posted on 02/20/2013

And yes I am going to counseling and my husband is going with me. Te bipolar one will not take meds or go to therapy. We have tried many times. The other one takes meds for depression none of it really works. Hopefully now that he is unemployed and has time he will agree to counseling. He has so many issues causing his depression. He's obese and has trouble socially. He's addicted to computer games and stays up all night. He got fired for sleeping at his desk 3 times. It's all so sad. I'm trying to stop blaming myself for their failure but it's hard not to.

Janice - posted on 02/20/2013

Had a rough morning with both of them. Older one won't answer phone. Younger one threatened to kill himself, then tried to get me to give him 2000 cash to fix truck. A lot of back and forth texting. Him getting belligerent. My husband took my cell phone away and blocked his number from calling or texting. Then my son came to our house and got violent smashed the mirror off truck cut up his arm but luckily I wasn't there. My husband said I am not to talk to him at all. I'm kind of scared and nervous about what he will do when he finds out we blocked him from my cell.

Shawnn - posted on 02/20/2013

As Dove said, finding them resources to teach them to be responsible adults is your best option. As it stands...they know you're going to support them. This gives them no incentive to attempt to seek assistance to manage their problems.

Dove - posted on 02/19/2013

Are they in counseling and receiving treatment for their disabilities? If not... urging them to go (as well as yourself) is a good first step. Especially for the depression that is coming out of all of this.

There are also job counselors and training programs that may be able to help them find jobs that they are well suited for. If they end up simply unable to hold ANY job.... trying to get SSI is an option.

They need to work towards their full potential and find happiness despite any limitations in ability. You can't MAKE that happen for them, but seeking out resources that may be available to them and informing them of those resources could help all of you.