How to discourage daughters relationship with highly tatooed boyfriend

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011 ( 203 moms have responded )

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My Daughter is 18 and is sleeping and going out with a young man who is heavily tatooed. I appreciates its my problem,I find tatoos physically repulsive. He is a little older has no job and does not drive. He is so immature that she buys the condoms. He has letters on every finger,on his hands,arm and chest.

She wants him to meet us both and for him to stay here. I have no desire to meet him or have him stay. How can I discourage her and explain how both my husband and I feel. She knows we hate tatoos. I do have a good relationship with her but she is very strong willed and moody. At the momment she works part time and stays for days at a time with him and his family.

Any ideas appreciated

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Krista - posted on 09/30/2011

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The tattoos aren't the issue here. And if you make it the issue, you'll only appear closed-minded to your daughter. Some of the nicest, most considerate and kind husbands have many tattoos. I realize that this is how you feel, but really...if the guy treated her like absolute gold and worshiped the ground she walked on, would you still be against him just because of his tats?

Concentrate on how he treats her. THAT'S what matters. Does he have no job because he's a student, or because he's lazy and expects her to pay for everything? Is he taking her for granted? If so, then have a conversation with her and actually LISTEN. Ask her "How does that make you feel when he gets you to pay for everything? Do you think he appreciates what you do for him?" And really listen to her answers. Maybe she does have doubts, but doesn't want to admit it to you because she's too stubborn.

Talk to her the same way you'd talk to a good friend in that situation -- be caring, be concerned, be loving, and let her know that you're there for her. And meet the guy. He might not be so bad. But you are not obligated to have him stay there -- it's your home, and you're well within your rights to say that the only man she'll have sleeping over at your house will be the man she's married to.

Krista - posted on 09/30/2011

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Yeah, the tattoos aren't the issue. The poverty isn't even an issue. The guy just sounds like an unmotivated, irresponsible loser, to be frank.

The thing is, though...the more you try to break them up, the harder she'll cling to him.

My first recommendation is to get her on the pill or IUD, and pronto. The LAST thing she needs is to have a baby with this guy.

Now, she's 18, and it's September -- is she going off to college? What does she want to do with her future?

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

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wow.



get a tattoo, = getting kicked out of home :(



what a wonderfully supportive attitude.



and to think, just the other day I was thinking how nice it would be to have a Mother, or even a Father for that matter..



I also didn't care for the "Lovely girl,but not too clever" comment, if you've said it here you've said it to her, maybe not out loud, but actions speak louder than words..



You do need to stop with the judgments and just support her, and maybe even trust her and her decisions. This is her life, her journey, your job is to support her.

Katherine - posted on 09/30/2011

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First of all having tattoo's doesn't define a person. That being said, your daughter is legally an adult now. Technically she can do whatever she wants. If you have a huge problem with it then kick her out.....plain and simple.

Vera - posted on 10/02/2011

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I am a married woman, 52 years old, I have 28 tattoos, and I am proud of every single one of them. I am highly educated, and I have a great job working as a computer technician for a public school system. Just because someone has tattoos doesn't mean they are “rejects” or “lesser” human beings. Just because you are “repulsed” by tattoos, doesn’t mean you should be “repulsed” by the person underneath those tattoos. You are being narrow-minded and judgmental for no valid reason. How would you feel if someone was “repulsed” by your looks just because you look different ?

I understand your concern if your daughter’s boyfriend has no job, but don’t focus on the tattoos as the problem. You are behaving very immaturely if you refuse to meet him because of his self-expression. If you have never met him then how do you know he has so many tattoos and where they are located? If you really love your daughter, then you are going to have to face the fact that this is currently the man of her choice, and if you continue to act like a spoiled two year old, you will lose your daughter. Time for you to grow up and stop acting so childish.

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Charlie - posted on 10/05/2011

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" what a freakin' loser! hopefully your daughter will see this soon. and i don't blame you for having a "problem" with the tattoos. so do i. people who choose to mark their bodies in such a way (that can be seen by others) know they will be judged by it. that's why they do it. to get attention, make a statement. so judge them!"

Ignorance at it's best.

G - posted on 10/05/2011

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I understand your concerns, especially about the lack of a job. I don't care for all the tattoos personally, a few are fine but I do wonder about the mental health of someone who seems addicted to getting tattoos all over their body. Employment is harder to come by these days and you can't take back a first impression when employers see all those tattoos, long hair, piercings...etc, that is just an unfortunate reality. Glad birth control is being used, that's one smart decision at least. You don't have to facilitate this relationship, if she's 18 and wants to see him, fine but it's still your house and you have the right to set rules. If she doesn't like the rules, she is free to leave and go live her lifestyle elsewhere. Yes, she is going to do what she is going to do, I had to reconcile that with myself and my daughter, it is THEIR life after all. I know people misunderstand you just want what is best for your daughter and are concerned her choices will lead to pain and difficulties, things you will not be able to protect her from or take away from her, that is only natural.

Stephanie - posted on 10/05/2011

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Wow, Camille, I am so glad you are raising children. That's dripping with sarcasm, by the way. Judge people because they have tattoos?? Grow up!! Some people do go a bit overboard with them, true, but others get tattoos in remembrance of a loved one or pride for their heritage or maybe the fact that they were in the military, etc. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Stephanie - posted on 10/05/2011

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I would certainly not focus on the tattoos. I have them myself and am not a bad person and I know people who have many and are also not bad people. The thing you need to focus on is the fact that he has no job and does not drive. If your daughter is 18 and he is older then why is he not driving?? The more you and your husband object to this relationship, the more your daughter is going to want it.

Kelly - posted on 10/05/2011

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First I'd quit focusing on the tattoos and focus on the major issues at hand. Yes, tattoos are a personal expression and not all people like them but I don't see that as the main issue here. I feel that you might want to think about starting to set some boundaries for your relationship with your daughter. The first thing I would do is establish a more suitable living arrangement. If she wants to live at her boyfriend's home than so be it, but if she wants to reside in YOUR home, she must follow your rules regardless of her age. Floating between two houses is just giving her more freedom to enjoy the life of part-time work and deadbeat boyfriends. If she lives w/ you, there is no "staying over at his house," as in she sleeps at home, alone, every night. She'll either move completely in with her boyfriend and find out what it's like to work and support a man who doesn't. I wouldn't even begin to try and get her to change her mind about this boy. The best you can hope for there is that she will see that there are much better ways to live, tire of him, and move on without any drama with in your family and home. Good luck!

Mary - posted on 10/04/2011

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Your opinion always matters Meggy,glad you have love and are happy.I was with a man for 8 years that did not marry me he was my best love ever in my life,love at age 40.He died at the age of 48 and I miss him so much.Just wish we were married and lived happilly ever after.Just love your kids and man and it matters what makes you happy.Its not always a christian marriage,I just think its right to have faith.Its never worked for me finding a good christian man or any good men,just mean ones who want to control me.Its not easy for me since my childhood was not the best with two loving parents,just always felt like I was not good enough no matter what I did.Good night all you moms and just love your kids,they are a blessing.

Carol - posted on 10/04/2011

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Diana, My suggestion is that you and your husband meet this young man. Get to know him. You may find out that the reason that he has no ambition is because he was never encouraged by his parents to persue his dreams. Maybe with a lot of encouragement he will get motivated to go back to school and/or look for a job. If not then hopefully your daughter will see that you guys are trying to help him and that he is not taking advantage of your kindness and she will make the right choice. Either way you will be showing your daughter that you are trying to make an effort and hopefully she will get the point. My daughters are 11 and 12, but I do remember that I had a boyfriend that my mother hated and the more that she fought with me the more it made me want to be with him. Once she left me alone then I opened my eyes and found out that he was nothing like what I thought that he was. This went on for over 4 years. So the more that you fight with her about him and she has to defend him against you the more she is going to care about him.... As far as the birth control goes hun, I really do not know what to tell you on that one. I am sorry, I will probably have a topic on here as my girls get older. Good luck to you and your family! Carol Santillan

Jessica - posted on 10/04/2011

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Wow... just wow. Your digging yourself pretty deep there. Granted the guy sounds like a scum bag but pointing out that he comes from poverty sure isnt scoring you any points, especially if you try to point that out to your daughter. All shes hearing is that you disaprove because he isnt what you want for her. This is more than just an educated guess. I was the mirror image of your daughter when I was younger. I liked 'fixer uppers' the impovrished, drunken and troubled boys covered in tattoos had the same draw to me as a dog from the pound. No matter how much my parents pleaded with me I just couldnt see their point. My advice is to at least meet the young man. And listen to your daughter, the moment that line of communocation shuts down your in big trouble. Set clear boundries about drugs and alcohol. Be strict but let her know your always there for her (that part takes actions not words) and pray your heart out, because no matter what you say ultimately she will do what she wants. Good luck

Camille - posted on 10/04/2011

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what a freakin' loser! hopefully your daughter will see this soon. and i don't blame you for having a "problem" with the tattoos. so do i. people who choose to mark their bodies in such a way (that can be seen by others) know they will be judged by it. that's why they do it. to get attention, make a statement. so judge them!
i dated a guy in college that my mother didn't like and i'm glad she let me know. when we finally broke up it was easier knowing that my mom was right about him all along.
i think i'd say... "when your boyfriend has tested negative for drugs, tested negative for STD's, has a full-time job, a car, amd some manners, then sure, he's welcome to spend the night!"

Pamela - posted on 10/04/2011

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First, I would say that to try to discourage her at this age may cause more problems than not. I remember myself at that age and I was learning who I was and though I did not totally rebel against my parents until age 19, I still did things that I knew they would disapprove of. In fact I hid my actions from them, which just might happen with your daughter if you push it.

We all have to learn on our own, and though I know it will be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for you to accept, I encourage you to TRUST your daughter's ability to get past this experience. If you have reared her correctly by giving her loving boundaries, then STOP WORRYING!!!

Try to remember something you did to "test" your Mother at that age and when you realize that it is the norm, perhaps you will settle down.

I recently took a workshop on Getting Rid of Old Habit Patterns. It really helped me to be reminded that if MY OWN REACTION is bigger than the situation, it was reflecting some deep seated habit patterns of my own that need to be changed. I took that message to heart and have since cleared a lot of old habit patterns.....not all yet, but a number of them.

It felt really good to let go of "old crap" that no longer serves me and probably never did! LOL!!!

Ease up!!! If you feel it best, sit down and ask her why she likes the boy. Tell her you want to know what qualities she sees in him. You just might be surprised. And last but not least..........STOP JUDGING the book by it's cover!!!!!!!

Sam - posted on 10/04/2011

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i say you and ur husband explain to her how u feel, tho u do need to give him a chance,(u get to no him and u don't like him that's fine u tried for her). i haven't read many comments but just because someone is tattooed and u don't like that don't make them a bad person and some boys take a while to grow up, do u no why he doesn't have a car or a job? u can't stop her seeing him u will just end up losing her, no he shouldn't stay the night, tho if ur daughter thinks she is an adult and can make her own choices then why does she still live at home. it is ur house and ur rules she needs to understand that but if u want her to stay, look past the tattoos(which is art/means something to people) and try to get to no him even tho it will be difficult, she will love u more for trying when u don't want to then if u tell her to stay away from him. u also cant think that it wont last for years, teenagers can fall in love and my a good life for themselves.

that's what i think, tho i'm only 22 and neither of my two kids are at that stage yet, i just no that when my daughter and son get to be teenagers i will try to understand, tell them how i feel and stand by them no matter what.

hope it helps. = ) good luck.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/04/2011

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Mary, First off I'm 30 so maybe my opinion won't matter as much with the age difference. People with faith don't always make better decisions- (or have better spelling and grammar skills and know how to use paragraphs), when I married my first husband I was a practicing Catholic and he also claimed to believe in God. He was a mentally and verbally abusive towards me and nearly led me to kill myself with his abuse. I have a now 7 year old girl with him. We were divorced in 2005 after being married for nearly 3 years because he was having an affair with someone else who he now married. He has little to no contact with our daughter even though he still claims he's Christian. We won't get into the kind of God fearing woman his wife is.

I'm married to an atheist now who loves my older daughter as his own. He treats me as an equal and listens to me. He is nothing but loving, supportive (thank El because I live across the country from my family) and helpful. So I greatly doubt that you have to have religion just to make good decisions.

As for women having sex outside of marriage means we don't have respect for ourselves I don't agree with that at all. I decided to have sex with my husband before we were married because I love him and he loves me. It was a mutual decision.

Diana I believe you need to stop judging this man based on apperance and lack of a job and car. A friend of mine doesn't drive either that doesn't make her a bad person.

Mary - posted on 10/04/2011

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Meant to say got no respect from his family just judgements.Good healthy communciation is important.

Mary - posted on 10/04/2011

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Wow Feen you reallly have a problem with what others have to say-Never judged anyone!Just gave an opinion.Women can choose who ever they want to love when ever they want-NO judgements here just saying how I feel.I have lived and seen how men treat women and once they get in that relationship they see no way out if it goes bad-Some have more strengths than others and get away.I did not see a good example of love growing up as a child.My last relationship with a guy I went to school with lasted 8 years till the day he died-I did not get the marriage and did not demand it at all.Just bothers me that he married a girl that was an alcoholic and used drugs and he says he did not know,she spent his money after she went through all of hers.I took care of and loved him till the very end.God no respect from his family and have not seen any of them in the 9 years he has been gone.We both had grown kids and its sad that none of them understood how important that man was to me,He was the best man I ever knew in my whole life,worked hard and provided after his divorce.We both understand many things about life cause we were age 40,stil had problems.We were working through lots of them and now all I have is the memories.

Charlie - posted on 10/04/2011

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"seems they do not respect themselves by sleeping with men before marriage."

Not all people believe in marriage nor do they believe in your god, what you hold as your opinion is fine ...for you, but to use your opinion as truth for all is beyond a joke and offensive to those who are not of your beliefs and religion, in fact I know more people of various religions and non religious beliefs who are not only are upstanding citizens but are in commited long term relationships purely because morals and ethics come from the ability to empathise with their fellow man, while some need guidance from religious text and contracts under god like marriage not everyone needs to be bound to ethically good behaviour because someone else tells them to.

"I respect everyone and deserve the same respect,just giving my opinion some people are just so judgemental of everything I say,What I say will be important to others just not to all women."

Sorry but you just wrote previously a blast on women who do not have the same beliefs and opinion as you , you have judged them based on your ideas ..... you have no right to then claim you have respect for everyone because the fact is going by your posts you only respect those who feel the same as you and everyone else is disrespecting themselves.

I am sorry you feel the world is bad and dangerous and that women are to stupid to think for themselves that truely is sad.

"someday you will have kids and will understand how moms feel about protecting there kids."

It's a mothering site we all have kids.

Absolutely it is about Diana, a woman who needs to not judge others based on their looks and assumptions based on that, how can you truely know a person without meeting them?

Mary - posted on 10/04/2011

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I know nothing about you Feen,wow I do have respect for women,seems they do not respect themselves by sleeping with men before marriage.I think God is important in our lives to make better decisions.I never said anything about others cultures,wow women just dont get it.Go ahead and buy condoms for men then and let them disrespect you-So you are saying its right for women to sleep with men that are not there husbands,that is the problem with this world it is going further away from having values.I respect everyone and deserve the same respect,just giving my opinion some people are just so judgemental of everything I say,What I say will be important to others just not to all women.There was a time I heard men say they would swim across an ocean for there women,now they cant even walk a block or provide.I understand many issues in life,I have dated many men and they are abusive in many ways and expect you to give it up without knowing anything about them other than what there Horoscope is,Grow up women and pay attention to the important things in life,someday you will have kids and will understand how moms feel about protecting there kids.Not a really safe world.Its about Diana and her daughter-if she wants to meet the boy she will-I say invite him over for dinner only and no staying the night.He needs to have respect for her family and the girl.

Anna - posted on 10/04/2011

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I would also like to point out that, in today's economic climate, finding a job isn't an easy task. Judging someone for not having a job or a car is foolish when the US's national unemployment rate continues to average around 9%.

Ali - posted on 10/04/2011

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Welcome him with open arms or you will be pushing her right into her arms. We went through this with my daughter and my niece. By bringing the young man home and being with your family and sharing time together it will help her see that he does not really fit in, but since she's 18 SHE has to make that decision, not the parents. If you try to force her it will backfire. Do a nice family activity together and then she may see him in a different light, but if not, you are there to catch her when she wakes up and realizes her mistake. Keep the channels of communication open and when she's ready to pick up her life and start again she will turn to you. She probably already knows how you feel about tatoos, right? So no need to lay down the law now. Pray for a good heart so you can be kind and warm with him, it's so hard, but possible.

Charlie - posted on 10/04/2011

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Mary why dont you show a little respect for the women on this international site who come from all cultures , religions and countries and stop preaching your god all over this thread.
I dont see anyone else making blanket statements using their god as a basis for their relationship ethics.....maybe thats because they have strength within themselves to do right simply because they are human.

Lindsay - posted on 10/04/2011

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i still think you shouldn't judge him based on appearance until you MEET him. i understand he doesnt have a job, and that doesn't always mean hes not looking, hes just not looking in the right places that dont have a huge issue with tattoos....
and your daughter buying condoms doesnt really mean hes immature....if he has no job, he has no money.....so how is he supposed to buy condoms with no money? just be happy that they are BOTH being responsible and that ONE of them are buying condoms.....

Mary - posted on 10/04/2011

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Really Ana,no god in relationships.How sad!With faith people make better choices if they know what they are doing anyway-they build stronger ties to family,not all good families have faith or go to church.Just wish the best to diana for her daughter.Its obvious god is not part of there lives or maybe he is she did not mention him.It makes a difference in life to have faith.Just my opinion.I believe in waiting till marriage and if it does not mean that much to a man to honor and love me then its not worth it to know him.

Mary - posted on 10/04/2011

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Never judged you or your man Meggy-Wow some people just misunderstand so much.I have faith in god and get judged daily and critized.Believing in god or not we will all answer to god.Lucky you to have a hard working good man,there is bad everywhere even in faith sometimes there is abuse.Did not cast stones girl.How can anyone not believe in god our creator.Its your choice.NO worries for your Atheist husband it is his life to choose how he wants to live it.Everyone else can have an opinion and it should be respected.Just love your daughter Diana and give her advice if she asks but let her know its just your opinion and she should respect it.You set the rules for your home and should not allow him to stay there.Sad that a girl would be involved with a guy that has no job,no car that is wrong.Its your daughters life and she can live it how she wants,just not in your home.I had my own apt. at 18 and did not sleep around ever with anyone ever.She needs to get more positives going in her life,if its in church or not,just as long as she sees the light in life of reality.You can meet him and invite him over for dinner,you might like him or not.Good luck Diana.Wish you a wonderful time of life in your marriage with your husband,this is your time now as long as you do not have anymore kids at home.

BRITNI - posted on 10/04/2011

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I would def not approach the situations with " you know I hate tattoos," I would tap more into the fact he has no job and the fact that he doesn't drive. I mean in all honesty just because he has tattoos doesnt mean he wouldnt be a good father/husband...there are plenty of crappy men that don't have the first tattoo! Dont lock in so much to appearance with her....teach her about character...and the fact that this guy wont work shows awful charter. Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 10/04/2011

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From a woman who once was married to such a loser, (though not tattooed) tell your daughter that she wants a man who can take care of things if she suddenly got sick and could not provide for herself. That disrespect is sometimes subtle and can turn into abuse faster than she thinks!!

[deleted account]

I have read yours and other responses...my honest opinion is if you do not feel comfortable with him staying in your house then he should not stay. However, I do think you should meet him. It doesn't have to be often, but at least you would get to know him a little better (this may not change your opinion but you never know!) and your daughter would see that you are making an effort. I myself had a relationship that my parents were not at all happy with, he was a much MUCH older man, but I was adamant I wanted to be with him. My parents agreed to meet him, but they also sat me down and told me that they werent happy with it. They explained it to me as an adult talking to another adult, but still with parental love and care. Over time my parents learned to get on with him and even enjoyed his company. After 3 years I broke the relationship off for my own good reasons. I have absolutely no grudge against my parents or how they acted, however..if they had forced me to stop seeing him, or refused to make the effort to meet him I could see that it would have caused underlying resentment that may never have gone away.
All I con really say is that I hope you manage to find a solution that suits everyone, its a difficult situation, and as you say..teenagers can be very headstrong/moody/manipulative! I wish you luck and hope everything turns out for the best :)

Jamie - posted on 10/04/2011

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Krista did say it all but I would like to say the way you said this was the tatoos are the problem. You need to take open you mind and realize that just because he has tattoos. My husband a Marine and a hero has tatoos, he is an amazing father and husband. There is a saying you should think about Don't judge a book by it's cover.

Leslie - posted on 10/04/2011

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Yes Melysa! And good for you. I have a daughter who got pregnant young and has 3!beautiful children. She is in college now as well. I'm not saying it's ideal and it has been a struggle and still is but she is much stronger and wiser now and we adore her and our grandchildren!

Melysa - posted on 10/04/2011

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only one of your comments upset me you said that her falling pregnant would be worse then her doing drugs I was a teen mum and have 5 beautiful children and now I am at uni getting a degree

as for the issue with your girl the more you push the worse she may get but if you try instead to talk to him find out where he sees himself in 5 years his answer may be enough to show your daughter that he is not the one for him but by showing that she is important enough to you for you to try she knows she is accepted no matter what and is more likely to drop him when she sees he is no good instead of being a typical stubborn teen!

Leslie - posted on 10/04/2011

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I hope you will seriously consider NOT considering the post about letting him stay in your home. As I said before, the tattoos sound like the least of your problems.

No one here can claim to know exactly what will work for you just because of their past experience. You asked for suggestions. I suggest that you meet him and possibly have him over for a visit, certainly not to STAY and not even to spend a night! Reach back for some old fashioned values and let her know that you will not have him sleeping with her in your home. Do what you can to get to know him. He will either surprise you or show his true colors. Your daughter will figure him out and it might take longer than you hope for, but it's probably best to not say too much unless she asks for your opinion, then give it to her in the most gentle way you can, letting her know how very much you love and respect her and tell her ghat you know she will make the right decision. Unfortunately you can't choose for her but you can limit what goes on in your house and not enable them. You make the rules in your house and stick to them! And PRAY!! The VERY best thing you can do for your daughter is ask him who made her to make her into what he wants her to be. And ask him without ceasing!!! It will happen, maybe not in the exact time that you want it to, and there may be a lot of waiting involved but it will happen. I know, I've been there. REALLY, I have.

Anna - posted on 10/04/2011

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Your problem isn't that the young man has tattoos, it's that he's an immature person who, from your point of view, isn't a good influence for your daughter. Whatever you think of tattoos, his body art has nothing to do with his worth as a person. Your post leads me to believe that you're being rather closed minded about a person you've never met, and I think you would be better served to give him the benefit of the doubt and at least attempt an interaction before damning him as a horrible person.

Joy - posted on 10/04/2011

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i associate this art with gangsters...very old world thinking, but, i still do!!!
i will be completely devastated if my daughter will bring home one with it. but, antagonizing her with her choice will only bring her closer to him. i think i'll play along for a time, but, i will be clear to her that having a jobless, irresponsible partner will not go a long way.
be glad your daughter is responsible enough to buy the condoms!!!

Charlie - posted on 10/03/2011

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Your judging a man based on the way he looks ? wow that is incredibly shallow.

Perhaps if you actually got to know him and found out his reasons why he hasnt been able to find a job you may find a little empathy within yourself to understand his position and if you are a good person you may even suggest a few places for him to try hand in a resume instead of sitting back and judging based on preconceived notions and assumptions.


As for buying condoms it's no big deal at least she is having protected sex maybe you can get her on the pill if she isnt already, as for driving well that means nothing I am a tattooed, non driving, kindergarden teacher by career who doesnt like to create more pollution than is needed and enjoys walking.

Perhaps she would be less "strong willed and moody" if you found it within yourself to make an effort for the man she seems to like....in the end she will make her own decisions you can either be there for her and accept this is where she is going or drive her closer into his arms by being so judgmental.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/03/2011

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I keep re-reading this whole deal about teen pregnancy. She's 18 so it's not like we're talking about a high school girl getting pregnant and dropping out of school.



One of my cousins had a baby when she was in grade 11, she ended up graduating at the top of her class, left the dad and has her major in primary education specializing in special education. I know this isn't the usual way things go, but it could happen that having a baby and realizing that the guy is a douche could be good for her.



Now I'm only 30, my life lesson was that my first husband was a complete git and up an left me when I was very sick before I even turned 24 and I was with him from the time I was 19. I had a daughter with him and she wasn't even a year at the time. But my parents let me figure that out myself so the next time I wouldn't be so impulsive. That's what the OP needs to do.



And not be so damn focused on body art because I have tattoos and I'm a hospice aide.

Chantelle - posted on 10/03/2011

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Oh & yes i know he lost his licence but still i know lots of good people who have lost their licence it does happen. ( im not sure if it was mentioned why he lost his licence?)

Chantelle - posted on 10/03/2011

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Can i just say that just because he doesn't drive does not make him a loser... I am 21 and i only got my p's this july... I am certainly not a loser i just didn't have anyone to help me & couldn't afford lessons all the time.

Deborah - posted on 10/03/2011

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Never mind the tatoos. He does not even drive and he does not have a job. DO NOT let him move in with you. He is a loser. Eventually she will get sick of buying the condoms and paying for everything else. Hopefully she will realize that he is a freeloader and he is just using her. Tell her to find a boyfriend with a job who can support her. You need to discourage this relationship. You don't want your daughter to support this immature and irresponsible young man. After you meet him, tell your daughter that she can do much better and that she needs to have higher standards for herself. Pray for your daughter. You may also need to get her into counseling.

[deleted account]

Look, after reading all this, first of all, Mary even though I strongly believe in God, I think this is not the place to talk about it. If you read Diana's post, it doesn't seem like she is really worried about her daughter having premarital marriage, but rather about her daughter in general. So I think it is not a subject to talk about, and it is of no help to talk agains birthcontrol or anything like that.

Changing the subject, I was in a really bad relationship as a teenager, and I didn't get much support from my mom, the guy was D**K, like someone said above, and I just was afraid of leaving him. At first I was blindly in love with him, but I started to hate him once I realized he didn't do anything for himself, he didn't want to work, he was lazy, selfish, etc, etc, etc... DO MEET the guy. DO NOT point out his flaws, just drive conversations and situations so the the flaws STAND OUT and your daughter will see them for herself. If he stays at your house, allow it, BUT NEVER do anything for any of them, your daughter will get sick of him playing all the time, and lazing around, they will start fighting, arguing, and she will eventually dump him. Make him ofcourse, chip in on all of his expenses, her expenses, and part of the house's expenses for allowin him in the house. That will make him not wanna go, that will let down your daughter. She might probably realize this on her own, but it oculd take years(like it happened to me, until I finally lived with him, and in less than a month I just didn't even want to know he existed)... AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, BE SUPPORTIVE, BE ALWAYS AT HER SIDE, because I took much of my ex boyfriend because I was just so afraid of my mother judging me or the famous "I told you so", so I pretended I was fine when I wasn't, and stood him for a little longer than I would of if my mom was supportive. BE HER FRIEND ALWAYS, that way she won't be afraid of the "I TOLD YOU SO"... it is not about inverse psychology, it is just that, one thing is staying over, or dating, you don't even see the tip of the iceberg, but... living together, or sharing their everyday chores together, and if he is lazy he will leave everyhting onto her, and she will quickly get tired of it... if you allow him in the house, she will be able to realize THE WHOLE ICEBERG, it has nothing to do iwth inverce psychology, or her wanting to do the opposite of what you want. You tittle to this post is how to discourage the relationship? Well I just gave you the answer.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/03/2011

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Mary, correct me if I'm wrong but didn't Jesus say Judge not lest ye be judged and let he who is without sin cast the first stone? I know you know that you are not saying you are without sin, but you seem to be casting stones at those who don't believe in God. Those people would include my loving, caring wonderful Atheist husband and my wonderful, caring (tattooed, hard working father of one) younger brother. I don't feel it's fair or that you have the authority to say that those who don't believe in God will get what they get for sure and will answer to God. For one thing how can the answer to someone they don't believe in?

Diana, I believe you should meet this man for yourself before you pass judgement based on tattoos alone. I believe you should be happy that you've at least raised a daughter who knows how to buy condoms and make her man wear them. It could be much worse. What ever you do DO NOT voice your objections to this man because it would drive your daughter away and if the relationship does fail later on you'd be out of a daughter since she'd probably be afraid of hearing I told you so.

Mary - posted on 10/03/2011

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Good for you Mercy having a god filled life-its important and hope you made good decisions for your life.I am aware of those that choose life withouth god and they get what they get for sure and will someday answer to god or not.He is our creator and very important if we make him part of our family and everyday life-Everyone has choices some good and others bad,just hope they learn from them and do whats right.

Chantelle - posted on 10/03/2011

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When i was 17 i was with the worst kind of person, he treated me terribly & took advantage of the fact that i was young and naive. Although my mum knew he was a D**K she still stuck by me and supported me, she told me that he was only using me for one thing & that he didn't care etc.. i didn't listen to her & continued to see him but my mum was still always there for me, she never kicked me out or anything like that and a few months later when i met my current partner i finally saw everything my mum was saying and left the other guy. My current partner has quite a few tattoos, but he is the most amazing partner & father. My parents love him, tattoos mean nothing at all ( i know we have already been through that, i just wanted to say that).

I would suggest that you support your daughter, forget all of your prejudices, you do know know this boy at all. Maybe give him a chance, show your daughter that you are willing to try and see what she see's in him. You don't have to let him move in but have him over for dinner a few times, spend some time actually trying to get to know what he wants out of life, maybe you could help find him a job?
Also i do believe that you are going to be in for a fight when you say he cannot stay at your house when her brothers gf is allowed to, double standards between siblings can cause a hell of a lot of trouble.

Stephanie - posted on 10/03/2011

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I understand that, it's easy to say my way or the highway! You don't wanna push her out the pan into the fire. Don't show so much concern, subconsciously that may push her closer to her, but watch for changes in her. With so many differences he is giving her something that she feels she missing or maybe she just feels sorry for him and that is worse than loving a person because you see no wrong and find excuses for their actions or lack of.

Helen - posted on 10/03/2011

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Diana you should ask her the question "How would you feel if you ended up marrying this guy and had a family with him and you were the bread winner in the family? How would it make you feel if you had to go back to work straight away while he stayed home and you didnt get to see the little ones take their first steps etc as the mother? Or worse even both of you didnt work and lived off Centrelink family payments which dont go very far and therefore would not be able to enjoy your life and do the things that would make you happy? Eg: Take the kids to the zoo, Show, Holidays etc?" I know all this because my husband does work and I work part time also and its all still very tuff! Tell her to tell him he can get a job as a Garbage collecter and earn a decent wage even with loads of tattoos...I bet he wouldnt want to do it cause its early morning shifts and his lazy... She needs to see this for herself! Maybe she will start to feel it when he is given options and then doesnt take them up! :)

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/03/2011

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But Mary, not everyone has religion in their life. Heck I was raised Catholic and I was never 'filled with so much interest in God that I had no interest in boys'

Lara Lynn - posted on 10/03/2011

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Your line about your husband hardly ever being home because of work could explain a lot. She is hungry for male attention and affirmation period, whether she has to pay for everything or not. My husband has just retired from the military and missed about 4 out of 7 years with our kids. Luckily our girls are 14 and 16 now and his new job affords him a lot of time he didn't have before to spend with them. Your daughter's boyfriend's family may be crazy and dysfunctional but it sounds like they are around a lot and don't really give a rip what other people are like. The boyfriend does sound like a totally unmotivated loser, but she isn't thinking rationally at all. Her emotional and physical needs feel like they're being met even if the consequences of all of this should be more important than that from a parents' view. Maybe Dad should see some of the effects of his job on the family besides increased income and opportunity. Maybe now that "very, very wealthy" has been established and feels secure, he could enjoy some time with the family as part of his success. Reading about father/daughter relationships could be really good for both of you to get some insight into some "little girl" needs she could be looking for outside of your home. Hang in there!

Christna - posted on 10/03/2011

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I just wanted to agree that the pill is not a sure thing as I missed 2 and then 9 months later welcomed my 2nd child but IUD's aint a sure thing either because I had one put in at my 6 week check up after my 2nd child and ended up with a 3rd child even though I had an IUD. I am very blesses to have my 3 kids but I just wanted to let you know nothing is guaranteed so condoms and whatever else you choose might help her chances with not getting pregnant.

Mary - posted on 10/03/2011

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If you are talking about my post Charmaine,faith plays a large part in making good choices in marriage and waiting for the right man to come along.

Donna - posted on 10/03/2011

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You have a right to say no he can't stay there but she is 18 and has to make her own choices in life. Let her figure out if he if right for her. The more you complain about him the more you push her towards him. Don't judge someone because they have tattoos. I have one and I am a 48 year old mom of 2 . I've been married 31 years.

Rebecca - posted on 10/03/2011

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I have just experienced a simalar situation. My 18 yr old was involved with a 36 yr old. The Man raped my daughter and then tried to convince her that it was a mutual thing. He stole her virginity. After a few months of horrible heartache she was able to walk away. We are still dealing with the after effects. I believe all you can do is love her and ask her if she see's a future with him and really have her think about what her life will be like if she stays with him.

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