How to discourage daughters relationship with highly tatooed boyfriend

Rachael - posted on 10/01/2011

I am sorry but I think you should support your daughter and maybe get to know this man without tatto's. She will continue staying with this man and his family if you dont support. Support for now, she probably won't marry this man.

Amanda - posted on 10/01/2011

What u NEED to do is fall on your knees and pray for her. Ask God to guide u And He will. Birth control is not the answer. Sex before marraige is wrong. Have a mother And daughter time And express ur concerns. With God ALL things are possible! God bless u.

Lyn - posted on 10/01/2011

I would worry less about the tatoos and more about her wanting him to stay with you. Explain that if they want to live together, they should work and save the money to have a place of their own. It will not hurt your relationship with her if you say no. She will respect you and you will no longer be a target for her moodiness and demands.

Cate - posted on 10/01/2011

Sounds like classic rebellion almost like she's waiting for you to tell her to stop seeing him. I went through this and my mother with her degree in social sciences told me if I cared for him there must be something special about him. The last thing you want to do is alienate her to you when she may need the most important advice of her life. Don't point out all his bad qualities it'll only make her search harder for his good qualities. Tattoos just are not a good enough reason to shun him and they may be blinding you to his good qualities. He should be working but honestly how many people are unemployed right now get to know him for both your sake and your daughter then at least you can say you tried. At 18 she can do what ever she pleases and if she's staying days at a time with him his family would probably accept her full time you don't want to push her away.

Kelly - posted on 10/01/2011

If you tell her not to do something, she will go and do it anyway. Why dont you meet him, then make your mind up? never judge a book, and all that. Having said that, whatever you make of him, she should respect your wishes and maybe not have him stay overnight in your house. Whatever the outcome, whether you like him or not, its her choice, and i dont mean to pry or be rude, but for goodness sake, get her on some kind of contraception AS WELL AS CONDOMS. all the best x

MICHELLE - posted on 10/01/2011

I would explain to her that a MAN will provide a place for him and her to live and would feel less of a man to have to live with her parents. I wouldnt judge him by the tattoos because that doesnt make up whom one is. I wouldnt allow him to move in but i wouldnt forbid her from making her own mistakes. Just pray that she learns from them.

Belinda - posted on 10/01/2011

get her to talk with him. find out what his goasls are in life and get off the tatoo part of it. I don;t like alot of tatoos, but if that is all she is hearing it won;t help. help her to relize that he has no goals, help her remember or relize her on goals.

Candice - posted on 10/01/2011

Tattoos= not a problem. Being a slacker with no job=problem. Get your priorites straight, still it is HER choice since she is an adult.

SHERRY - posted on 10/01/2011

Diana I know how ur feeling because 15 years ago I startedthe younger guy then me's he a only child from a higher class then I was from I work & that's where we met for the first time. his mom was none too happy with him dating someone older than him & has 2 young sons I told him I new how she felt because I would feel the same way if my only son was date someone with kids I'm only 2 yrs older then him. She went out of her way to break us up even have old girlfriend calling setting him up on dates then lie to him try to get him to go there . even though she knew we were dating exclusively it made their relationship strained we have been happily married for 13 years . My point is the more u push the issues of you not liking him she will keep date him. you would be better off getting to know him and making decisions what your relationship is now . Not what it was then are what you knew or heard back. If not u might lose ur daughter for years. Sometimes u have to put ur feeling A-side & try to get along with him try not to bad mouth him she will either see what u see in him are u might have a change of heart & like him .I have teen boys & I'm going through the same thing hope they make the right choices while dating my boys are 17& 16 I have ask them not have sex until they get married .but I know that my boys most likely won't wait but I'm not going to step in their relationship because I know it make them stay longer because I don't like them but a wise man once said. u have to push the baby bird out the nest in order for it to learn to fly, if not it will never learn to do anything on its on

Camina - posted on 10/01/2011

She's 18, so just be honest and tell her "You know how we feel about the tatoos, and yes you are leagally grown, but however just because his parents is special and allowing him to do whatever, Well this is ME and your dads place, and when you get your own place, you will have all of those same rights and responsibilities!

Krista - posted on 10/01/2011

Cornice makes an excellent point. More often than not, the girls who latch on to loser guys are the girls who genuinely do not believe that they can do better and that they deserve better treatment.

How is your relationship with your husband? Are you guys solid, and affectionate? Does he treat you with respect and love? Modelling a good relationship is key.

It sounds like her self-esteem is probably a bit low, in no small part due to her stalled work situation.

I think it's time to have a heart-to-heart with her, and talk about her, what she wants out of life, how she feels about herself, and what she envisions as her ideal partner...and whether or not she is settling for less...and why.

Lisa - posted on 10/01/2011

I feel that some children tend to do the exact oposite of what their parents desire for them out of rebellion. There are a lot of things that your Daughter needs to see but SHE has to see them. I don't have a problem with tatoos (I don't have any and I have never dated a guy that did) but when you are tatted from head to toe or have large obvious tattoos good jobs are more difficult to come by because you cant hide them and most companies prefer them hidden. Knowing that, your Daughter has to see how difficult it may be financially for the two of them if they stay together. I would also let her know that I love her no matter what but he could not stay in my home (even if he didn't have the tattoos he couldnt stay in my home). She is welcomed to come home or stay at home as long as she is trying to do something with her life. It has to be her choice (I am guessing she is a legal adult). As long as she continues to only work part-time and date this man that is unemployed they would have to live independant from me. We all want the best for our children but they have to want whats best for themselves. Tough love is sometimes the best love but just make sure you continue to love. Don't push your opinion on her let her learn the hard way but be there for her emotionally. Let her handle the financial support (for the two of them) with her male friend. They should be financially resonsible for themselves. She will see how tough it really is, but when you make grown-up decisions you have to live a grown-up life. Best wishes!!

Mom - posted on 10/01/2011

Hey Diana I feel your pain. My 19 year old has been dating this really homely (wouldn't matter but sometimes the outer is an expression of the inner) since she was 17.
He has slept around on her and lives with another vulnerable girl in his one bedroom basement suite insisting he will not see her on the street but is not sleeping with her. My daughter believes him even though she is forbidden to call him at home now because he "doesn't want to rub the other girls nose in it"
When she was living with him and working he took all the money she made to meet their expenses so that she could not afford the fish tank she wanted and saved for.
You cannot convince her or tell your daughter a blasted thing in my opinion. However you must tell her that finances or space or other relatives means there is no room for him in your home but if he wishes to pay room and board of some huge amount he could live there. when she protests he ahs no money say "Honey he loves you and he will find a way.
We are doing him no favours by helping him learn to be a free loader. He needs to have a job and the needs to learn to help support you if he wants to live with you.
One day he needs to help support my grandchildren so he best start by learning to support himself.
Dont be badmouthing Mr. Tattoo or she will not even hear a word you say.
We cannot have a choice in who our kids choose to love as our parents did not with us.
The only lever you have is the right to insist that the two of them support themselves in their own place.
The sooner this happens the sooner he will get selfish spend the money wrong and get there derrieres tossed from the place.
Living together for young and carefree people is the sturdiest way to orchestrate the breakup.
Anyone who spends that much money on his body will for sure be spending to much on himself and your daughter will not have much and suffer till the brain overtakes the hormones.
If she has a few smarts she will figure out that it is not good for her if it isn't.
But if you let him move in you have constant irritation and lack of privacy and your daughter will not get to see what a looser he is.
whatever reason excuse or means you can find to let her know her honey moving in is not an option but that she is most welcome to move out with him is good Don't fret when they do, I am sure it will be the beginning of the end.
Then make a boundary that you do not give them money food or anything at all.
Living together is for self sustaining adults and if they are not ready and like who is at eighteen? She will grow a lot more yet emotionally and cognitively have faith.
She is welcome for dinner but you do not have to embrace every choice and adult decision she makes and you have to show her how to protect herself by protecting yourself.
also I shoed my daughter this incredibly old fashioned book called "The Rules"((Time Tested Secrets For Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right) and if she believes in any of it it will show her that moving in with a man who is not ready for or caring enough of her to want to set her up in her own castle will not get her what she wants and that is the ultimate relationship. It shows a girl how to hold out for what she really deserves.
So remember you are doing this out of love for her but in no way can you personally support this dud, well whatever Mr. Tattoos name is.
Wish them well in finding themselves, keep a light and happy heart and try not to let her stuff become yours.
And I validate your feeling on this, you do not have to accept this fellow, you only need love your daughter as she is and give her all the nice stuff you do and wish her the best with this and all wishes of her life.
Enjoy it now cause when she gets married you do have to defend the marriage but even then you are under no obligation to support it materially or economically.
All you need is love and a sturdy attitude.
Luck with it, I know how you feel with this 46 year old hound dog my daughter thinks is God.
I personally think he is a pedophile.
Your daughters sounds like a self worshiper. They will figure it out in time.








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Rebekah - posted on 10/01/2011

I agree that the tattoo's shouldn't be the issue. The bigger issue to me is what can he offer her in the future. I would point out rationally what he doesn't have, like a job or the fact that she is the one taking all the responsibility. Set your rules for your home and explain why. That will cause her to think about this relationship and then hopefully she will make the right choice. Being to forceful will just push her the opposite way you would like.

Juanita - posted on 10/01/2011

You have to set rules. Sit down with her and explain to her how you guys feel about her relationship and if he is a grown man then he should get his self together.. no GROWN MAN SHOULD BE LIVEING UNDER THE SAME ROOF WERE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND PAY BILLS.

Victoria - posted on 10/01/2011

Hi Diana i can see where your coming from with your daughter and not liking the guy she is with becuz he doesnt work, and isn't mature enough for her.



Most people these days do actually come from poor back grounds, i come from one and with the current state in jobs here in the UK, and i'm sure its like that for Australia and the US, there arnt that many jobs going, but he could at least try n find one!.



Il tell u a story



when my sister was 18 (now 22) and worked for the local council she started dating this lad the same age as she was and my dad didnt like him, the lad drove, and only lived 20 mins away from us, but could hardly keep a job for more than 3 months my dad kept telling my sister how much he disliked the lad, but the more he told her the more she kept seeing him eventually they moved into a flat together, but he was basicly making her pay for everything, my dad and sister's relationship went really bad, got to the point where she wouldnt come home when he was there. and it hasnt been as strong as it was since.



I also agree with everyone else as well. with birth control and trying to talk to your daughter like she was one of your friends explain your concerns and everything but dont dictate that will only encourage her to keep seeing this lad. rest assured your daughter will move on to somebody else eventually she is just going through a faze

Cornice - posted on 10/01/2011

I actually have more questions. Does your child or has your child been raised to know her self worth? I ask because my stepdaughter is 18 and did not know her self worth, and has in the past defined herself by these lowlife guys she has associated herself with. We have begun to fill my daughters life with many activities including work, church activities, volunteering, etc. The bottom line is if she is still living in your house she needs to follow your rules. If the rules and values have not been pushed early on, its a hard road to get these girls to place of self worth, but the journey is well worth the fight! Keep loving her through the process! God Bless and Good Luck!

Sheila - posted on 10/01/2011

Personally, I can not comprehend how this young man would want to come to your home and leisurely meet mom and dad. Wow, I would think that Dad would be ready to have more than a talk with him. But if you two are under control about this situation, then maybe you should do just that. Have the daughter and boyfriend in for a talk out of concern over dinner. Tell them that you do no find it acceptable behaviour to be sleeping together. Your daughter is old enough legally,but that does not make it right. However, you are supporting her yet, so if she is such a big girl and wants to act irresponsibly then she should be able to support herself. It sounds like you have set good ground work just by your response of concern. But, just as with alchoholism or other addictions and wrong doings, by condoning what she is doing you are feeding the problem. You may be able to tell that this is a Grandma talking, with grown men and older grandchildren. You are experiencing the hardest time right now of raising children. All the love and care that you have devoted to this child and now the birdie has left the nest. My heart goes out to you, because you just feel so helpless. You don't want to loose her, but you can see her digging a hole for herself. Just stay strong to your convictions and be positive with good reinforcements. And if you are so inclined , pray. That has got me through so much. Best wishes to you, Mom. Stay strong and remember your relationship with your husband. That is the best example that you can give, your love and commitment through marriage, you are fortunate to have a husband to be a duo. So many parents are doing it alone .

Diana - posted on 10/01/2011

Thanks Sara.
The princess treatment is over. Its time for adult behaviour and consequences as such. Not sure I fully understand what you mean by my husband and not settle for less? But thanks for your kind thoughts anyway. I do talk to my daughter about my own experiences but in many ways times have changed so much they are a bit irrelevant by todays fast moving pace and changing social scope. She has been messing up a lot lately,and we have more or less let her limp along,with our support. Its been very hard. I have no girlfriends with teen agers and no parents or even in laws. I thank those mystical men who invented the intenet that enable me to converse with people from around the globe who share common hopes and dreams for their offspring. Your right tatoos are not the problem,and I am aware of that. Really its about maturity for both of them,and talking to others brings me clarity on that.
Its an old saying but you cant put old heads on young shoulders. Perhaps I need to lower my expecatations?
Ideally I just want her to be happy with someone her equal,thats all.

Sara - posted on 10/01/2011

As the mom of three grown, now married daughters I know you have a difficult job. We set guidelines and our daughters knew what we expected. My greatest fault was that I did not talk to them about my own struggles as a young adult and how my choices affected the future.
Tattoos are not the problem, except that his priorities are all messed up if cannot contribute financially to their relationship. I believe God wants the best for us and our children but He gives us free will to walk away and mess up. I would suggest to not to always be there to rescue her but allow your daughter to suffer the natural consequences. Your husband needs to treat as a princess so she won;t settle for less. Thanks Sara

Diana - posted on 10/01/2011

I dont think so,they were very close.He carried her picture around till his death. He probably was born a nut case as his mother and father were basically cousins. In breeding tends to cause problems mental problems.

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

I hear Hitler's Mum wanted an abortion, i think hitler knew this, wonder why he grew up to commit such evil acts.. Unless Hitler was a born sociopath (and I have no idea if he was or not) I don't believe people like him just 'are', they are created.

I think you guys are confusing support with enabling, if for example my child had a gambling problem I wouldn't give them money to gamble with, if I did that would be enabling them, I would however, give them a warm safe environment to live and (hopefully) learn in, that is supporting them.

If your child was an axe wielding child murderer then sure you wouldn't support them by handing them the axe, you would however visit them in jail, that would be supporting them.

Hey but maybe that's just me. And that's ok.

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

I concur Jane, Thanks for saying what I was thinking! I get where you are coming from exactly.



I loved your line"embroided on a tea towel" I will have to borrow that phrase.;)



I did have visions of an axe chain saw wielding child cutting up some innocent. No matter what I wouldnt support my child if they did that. I dont think Adolf Hitlers mum was probably all that supportive of Hitler,or if she was she was frightened of him. Our children can and do things that are bad and dont deserve our support. The idea that no matter what they do its ok is just too extreme. Some choices are just wrong. People/children do need rules,regulations and control too much agreed is a bad thing but too little is dangerous for society.

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

No I don't believe that I am confusing anything
.
Supporting them is being there for them no matter what, whether you agree with their decisions/choices or not. We can't live life for them, they need to live their own lives and learn their own lessons. Why should they do every little thing we say? How do they learn their own life lessons if they aren't allowed to live, and just have to follow rules all the time?

Don't get me wrong my daughter and future children will have guidelines, my job is to guide, love and support, not regulate, hinder and control.

I think differently to most people Jane. She is her own person and this is her life, I am just here to guide her until she can fully take the reins. I can't make her decisions for her.

I don't see parenting as a Win/Lose. I don't judge myself by how my daughter will turn out because only she can decide how she will turn out.

Has the best most excellent parent in the world Failed if they lose their child to drugs? Does the worst most shittiest parent win if their child becomes President of the world?

I don't doubt my daughter will make choices I will loathe, but I will support her in them because they are HER choices.

and FYI you did more than unconditionally love your son when he was in jail. You supported him even though he fucked up and made a choice you wouldn't have.

Jane - posted on 09/30/2011

I also think that you are confusing "being supportive" with "loving unconditionally." When you say "being supportive" you seem to mean "letting kids do whatever they want." You can and should love your child unconditionally, but you do not have to support bad decisions, and you don't have to give them money to help them make those bad decisions once they are adults.

Jane - posted on 09/30/2011

If she was warned and did it anyway she needs to learn that the rules aren't just something embroidered on a tea towel. They matter. So does flouting them. It is time for her to move out if she refuses to respect her parents' rules in their own home.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I have raised three teens. We told them we do not go bail but we will get you a lawyer. One of them had to test that. He learned that rules are rules. We love him but we cannot and will not let him put us in a position to lose our house by putting it up to guarantee a bail that he will forfeit by taking off. He had to learn the hard way that there are rules of behavior that apply to him even as an adult.

He needs to respect our rules in our house just as we respect his rules in his house. It worked in that he has never been arrested again and he has now raised four kids and is starting on grandkids. He would probably be in a much better financial situation if he had respected a few more of our rules, such as graduate from high school, but he knows now why we said what we did.

There is a difference between being supportive and letting your kids walk all over you, and between being supportive and watching your kids make serious mistakes.

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

Yes it is our job to be supportive no matter what.

You can be supportive without agreeing with another choices in life. Well I can, maybe you can't. My support of my child ISN'T conditional.

Yes if it's a choice to do so. But to be kicked out for a tattoo that is on her body that was her choice is harsh imo.

Jane - posted on 09/30/2011

It is NOT a parent's job to be supportive no matter what. It is a parent's job to LOVE their children no matter what, but to let them know where the lines are drawn. She is 18, she wants to live an adult life that differs from what her parents are comfortable with, so it is time she moved out.

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

that's right, she's an adult and it's her body. therefore her choice.

and it is our jobs to be supportive no matter what.

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

I think kicking her out for a tattoo is rather extreme, if she was doing drugs and not ready to get help then yes, or stealing from her parents, or abusing her parents, but tattoos?

oh well, not something i'd do and this isn't my child.

I just don't feel the need to have so much control over another adult/person and this includes my child/ren.

Jane - posted on 09/30/2011

@Kellie - A parent's job is to do their best to give their child a healthy body plus the skills they will need to make a happy life for themselves. It is not to be supportive no matter what. If the parents have said for years no tattoos and she gets tattoos, then she needs to pay the price.

I have told my son for years that once he is 18 he can live with me if he follows my rules, and if he is either a full-time student or has a job and helps with expenses.

You can love a child (and parents do) without necessarily supporting unwise choices, letting them walk all over the family, or giving them a free ride. If the parents said no tattoos or you're out of here and she got tattoos, then it is time for her to find a place to live. It isn't her house. It is her parents. She is an adult and the sooner she realizes that the better.

It might be slightly different if she weren't an adult in that her parents should not throw her out, but she isn't a child. She is an adult and needs to act like one.

Jane - posted on 09/30/2011

Yes, the stepping back is terribly hard. It's rather like the final exam at the end of raising your child. You have to hope that the work you did in raising her was good enough. What makes it worse is that you won't know if you passed or failed for a number of years.

And if those are real tattoos and you told her no tattoos or out you go it is time to do what you promised. She may be counting on you to give in. But bosses and cops and life in general don't give in and the sooner she learns that the better.

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2011

wow.



get a tattoo, = getting kicked out of home :(



what a wonderfully supportive attitude.



and to think, just the other day I was thinking how nice it would be to have a Mother, or even a Father for that matter..



I also didn't care for the "Lovely girl,but not too clever" comment, if you've said it here you've said it to her, maybe not out loud, but actions speak louder than words..



You do need to stop with the judgments and just support her, and maybe even trust her and her decisions. This is her life, her journey, your job is to support her.

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

The hardest part is the stepping back. :(

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

You are so right Jane. I suspect she already has tatoos and is lying they are Henna. We said she could get tatoos once she left home,and agreed henna was a good alternative.If she wanted Tatoos,then she must leave,our rules our house.

I am pretty sure they are real ones now. If I find they are real,then I will have to tell my husband,and then ask her to move out.

I guess we have little choice but to meet him,grin and bare it.

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

Yes three years,quite right.

Very valid points. I would love it if he got a job,or even tried.He was at Tafe being paid by the government here to further educate himself but dropped out. I dont think playing ( I think its warcraft) games and making love to my daughter will get him to far in life!

Good idea about chipping in if he stays. I would find that hard to do ,and my duaghter would think we were being penny pinching despite the fact she is chipping in at his home. I cant see him staying here somehow,as there is no public transport from where he lives to where we live,so that would entail our daughter doing as she does now,driving him around in our/her car.

When my husband is around which isnt often due to work I will discuss your suggestions. Thanks again.

For the other poster,we have been poor/rich/poor/ and now very very wealthy. Unless you have been in such a situation its hard to explain, but I can tell you people treat and act differently around you and there is nothing you can do about it. Even people who have known us for a long time. Just a handful of friends have been there for us despite our highs and lows,as have we been there for them.

Jane - posted on 09/30/2011

I assume that at 18 she is considered a legal adult in Australia, just as here in the United States. That means that she can indeed go out with whomever she wants. However, it is still your house and if she wishes to live in your house then she needs to follow your rules. If you do not want him to live in your house you have every right to say so. You also have a right to insist that she use her own income to pay for her trips to see him.

However, you should probably meet him just as you would any other boyfriend, tattoos or not. The more you fight that the more she will want to be with him.

In return, she has every right to dislike your rules, but she can only move out if she wishes to live without them.

The good news is that if by chance her birth control fails tattoos are not genetic. Your grandchild won't have any. Plus if your daughter has to spend all her money on gas to go see this guy she won't have any money left to get tattoos herself and she may decide he isn't worth it.

Sometimes you have to step back and let your kids make their own mistakes. However, you don't have to help them make those mistakes.

Katrina - posted on 09/30/2011

Diana. First of all Kudos to you for encouraging the birth control...You probably realise though that Implanon lasts for 3 YEARS not 3 months as was stated...and therefore is a brilliant way to go (I myself am on my 3rd lot - stopped it twice for both my babies - and I have not had any issues.)

Also, for the other women, the Implanon has a "better" failure rate than even surgical procedures (tube tying/vasectomy).

Aside from that, I agree that you need to let her know that you don't approve but you need to also make it WELL known that you will support her decision to continue the relationship. But also, your house, your rules. Let them know there is no way he will be living in your house without a job because he would be paying rent and chipping in for food costs etc. and unless he has a job, you do not have the security of knowing that you WILL be paid. Even to the point of having a contract (so they can't squirm their way around you).

Just make sure you are being firm but fair.

Good luck with it.

Medic - posted on 09/30/2011

Diana- You may have valid reasons, but you are coming off as very holier than thou. It isn't about what side of the tracks people come from that makes or breaks a relationship. I am from "the right side of the tracks" and my husband well.....hes from the "wrong side of the tracks." How he was raised does not doom him to live the same way. Implying that all who come from meager beginnings with end a meager end is wrong and VERY judgmental. No wonder your daughter is strong willed against you. Maybe you need to reevaluate your issues before you try to pick apart your daughters.

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

Thanks Krista,great advice,thanks so much. None of my friends have teens so they cant relate at all.

Sorry for my mispelling of you name Marina. I am well versed in contraceptives and the failure rate. The implant and pill rate failure last time I looked was 1 in 300 for both.
I used to work as a product manger for both the pill and implant,but thanks for your concerns anyway. All contraceptive devices have good points and bad. Some suit certain ages and lifestyles better. The implant is an excellent choice for teens who forget to take the pill ,vomit easily and or drink a great deal. The down sides can be scarring and nausea.

For the record I dont mind what people call me ;)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/30/2011

Ok, so here it is. First of all, I have personally known women to get pregnant on those implants, Apparently they are not very reliable. Secondly, it is extremely difficult on kids when the parents treat them with double standards. Maybe you SHOULD let him sleep over once to get to know him better. Maybe there is more to him than just what you are seeing. Maybe not...but it would be a great way to discover what he is ultimately about. You may not want this relationship, but your daughter sees something in him. We have all been through relationships that do not last. I have my own regrets with a man that was quite frankly below my own standards. This may be her time. Who knows. I do know, the more you push him away, the more your daughter is going to run to him.

For the record, my name is Marina.

Krista - posted on 09/30/2011

Well, the fact that he lives 1.3 hours away is a bonus. Long-distance relationships can be hard to keep up, especially at that age.

Yeah, I would talk to her. If she doesn't want to go to uni, that's fine, but surely she wants more for herself than a part-time job. Maybe ask her where she'd like to be with her life in 5 years. It might get her thinking. And even if she doesn't go to uni, she might be interested in some sort of post-secondary training, at any rate.

And yes, definitely emphasize to her that implants and IUDs are great for preventing pregnancy, but they do nothing to prevent STDs. Show her pictures of genital warts, if you have to! LOL!

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

Mariana,

I did state the tatoos are MY problem!

I am not from thr States I live in Australia. So for the rest of you I will answer some questions.

In OZ you finish school at 18 and then perhaps go to uni. She didnt. All of the rest of the family have degrees,or doctorates. My son is doing med/honours.

She went on the pill when she was 16,she will be 19 early next year. Lovely girl,but not too clever so she has no desire for uni,which is fine. She is incredibly beautiful like a young liz taylor. I think she will be going on the implant,its like the pill and is an implant which lasts three months and goes under the skin.Alarm bells rang for me when she said she wanted to get tested for stds. I suspect she intends to not use condoms once she is on the implant. Naturally I am unhappy at that prospect as this young man wont have the maturity to get himslef checked if he is to inhibited to buy condoms! She needs to use condoms is case he has an std now or sleeps with someone else.

I think I will as some of you suggest talk to her about my concerns he ust isnt driven enough for her,despite his "niceness'. I allow my sons girlfriend to sleep over so I am wondering how to tell her I wont allow him to. I am close to my daughter ,but for you that have a strong willed older teen daughter you know how they can be selfish,manipulative,sneaky and defiant.

At the momment she has her 4th job since leaving school. Two companies went bust,then two treated her badly and now she has a part time job. The boyfriend lives 1.3 hour drive away. The only thing we ask for is for her to any of the petrol there and back,and she complains about that!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/30/2011

The tatoos are not what should be worrying you....that is not a good way to look at life, judging a book by its cover. Look at what he is doing with his life, and decide from that. It does not sound like he has much motivation or desire for a better life. That is his business. Since your daughter is 18, she is legally an adult, so talk to her about your concerns as a parent...but treat her like an adult. Truly, don't bring up the tattoos. I have one, I am a good person, and am planning on getting more. If you were to judge me on that, but not see all the good I do...well...that would be YOUR problem.

Good luck.

Katherine - posted on 09/30/2011

Sorry that was harsh Diane. What I meant was she's an adult, and as one she should be responsible for her own actions.

It does sound like this guy is a loser and has nothing to offer her. But they are young still.....

I agree with Krista, birth control first and foremost.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 09/30/2011

Yep. Get her on an IUD - you wouldn't have to worry about msising anything. Pills are iffy - that's why I have kids! ;) 1 missed pill. Hey, I was a missed pill baby too LOL

I'm so getting an IUD now.

Yes yes, what is SHE doing with herself? If you just stand by your daughter and have educated her and prepped her properly, she will, on her own, grow out of her relationship with this guy. Get her into college though! She'll soon get sick of him falling behind. Of him not doing enough and it will naturally split them up. That's why my ex and I aren't together ;)

So just focus on your relationship with your daughter, and her future!

Krista - posted on 09/30/2011

Yeah, the tattoos aren't the issue. The poverty isn't even an issue. The guy just sounds like an unmotivated, irresponsible loser, to be frank.

The thing is, though...the more you try to break them up, the harder she'll cling to him.

My first recommendation is to get her on the pill or IUD, and pronto. The LAST thing she needs is to have a baby with this guy.

Now, she's 18, and it's September -- is she going off to college? What does she want to do with her future?

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

I dont want to kick her out. I love her and she does not earn enough to support herself. I risk her doing drugs or worse teen pregnancy if I kick her out.

Diana - posted on 09/30/2011

Yes she pays for everything.He had his drivers liscence taken away,not sure of if the details I have been given are the real reason he cant drive now. Thats another small issue of no real concern in the big picture.

I agree totally that he may be very nice to my daughter. Its just that there is a huge void socially , economically and even maturity wise that is difficult for all of us. Recently my husband and I went away. My daughter had him stay the night and invited a homeless friend to stay also and lied to my son that we had given it the ok.

We found out while we were away. So trust is an issue with her. He comes from a very poor background,we dont.
He isnt that motivated to do anything,even take responsibility for condoms. We have had 5 breaks and 4 pregnancy tests. I suggested bigger condoms,so that seems to have solved the problem. These are issues they should be dealing with as a "couple" but have been issues that my daughter and I have born.
From what my daughter tells me he cant get a job as his tatoos most employers find confronting. He does not sound all that motivated either to do much except play games and sleep.

With so many differnces between our worlds perhaps you can see why I would want to discourage a realtionship even if the boyfriend was lovely he does not even have the maturity to buy condoms! How willhe be capable of making any decision of importance? His own mother says he cant/wont make decisions. So lets forget the tattoo issue its just a symptom of the bigger issue.

Krista - posted on 09/30/2011

That's what I'm here for, kiddo.