how to get over this drama?

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009 ( 40 moms have responded )

18

34

0

shortly after i found out i was pregnant i started planning the baby shower out, then the person that was going to throw the party, turns around and makes up excuses and bringing the past up so she doesnt have to do it? this person also has made plans several times and wasnt there when i showed up before she canceled the plans. her excuse were things that happened in the past as well and then made up a few different stories to cover it up. now i have someone that i really care about that isnt talking to me because of her. my husband and i are certain we didnt do anything to deserve this treatement so now we dont have them around, and for the 20th time of going thru this with the same person we are feeling bad for no reason and i feel i should just drop it and break the ice... but again we didnt do anything and i dont want to be treated like this anymore and no matter what i say it doesnt help it just keeps happening? now we arent having a baby shower and we arent having these people around and invovled in our life, should we just leave them out or be the better person and give in yet again?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

LISA - posted on 09/09/2009

3

14

0

sometimes we need to let people go and let them see how much of a good friend we are and maybe they will acted better with us some people think we need them and sometimes they really need us let go and let God pray about

Kathy - posted on 09/09/2009

688

32

24

If the friends keep dwelling on something that happened in the past and can't get past it you probably don't need them, and your kids don't either, on the same note, people can change, and there is a chance of things rectifying themselves in the future, I say that because I've had that happen. We aren't the same as we were but we are good friends again. As far as the baby shower, I'm about 2 weeks till my due date, haven't had one yet because I don't want it till the baby is born. To me then I can be rested up and have my friends bring their baby gifts, and see the baby all at the same time.

Erin - posted on 09/09/2009

499

39

202

I would suggest sitting down with your dad then and discussing the situation. Explain to him why you can't handle the friendly/unfriendly rollercoaster that your stepmom has you on. Then tell him that you're willing to be polite with her so that your daughter and soon-to-be son can spend time with them. It's not an ideal situation, but it will show your dad that you are willing to be the bigger person so the sake of your children. If he's not willing to accept those terms, it's his loss. I'm sure you'd rather have your children have a relationship with their biological grandparents, but if that doesn't work, find a senior center that may have a "grandparents" program. Good luck. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Traci - posted on 09/09/2009

74

2

8

everyone has given you great advice. My family usually throws baby showers after the baby is born so they know what sizes to buy. Once your little boy is born have a get to together of everyone close to you (aka baby shower). You need to think of yourself, children & your husband - don't worry about others.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

40 Comments

View replies by

Cheralee - posted on 09/16/2009

19

13

0

Quoting Heather:

the thing is that these people arent just friends they are grandparents to my kids. and i cant help but to be upset about this. as much as i try to move on and not care about it it still bothers me especially since my 3 year old daughters asks for them. and its too late to plan a babyshower by myself. i have a month left.



I know how you feel.



My parents do not like my daughter's father, and when I preganet they put a lot of stress on me that did not help my health.



I had to do some thing that I did not want to do.  I told my mother that she was hurting me, and that if she did not stop it.  I was going to stop talking to her and Dad, and that meant that they would not be able to see they grandchild.  I left it up to them, if they wanted to cut off they nose.  Then I would not be my fault and that I would not feel guilty because of their decision.



I hope that you are able to work things out with your parents/in-laws.



If not here are some web sites to help you plan your shower



http://www.baby-shower.com/themes/couple...



http://www.babynames.com/baby-shower-gam...



Good luck!

Lucinda - posted on 09/14/2009

1

24

0

I know how you feel. I was going to have shower found the spot and thought thats all i had to do. I found out it wasnt good enough cause there was a glich no liquor of any kind can be served that was a problem on top of this persons life just had lots of drama going on never mind trying to plan my shower. So today I just said forget it. If this is going to be a problem I dont want it.. I am not going to throw my own I just think its tacky. If pple in my family or life wants to wish me an my new baby well they will have to see at the hosp or come over to visit. I feel like it was a tease and I dont like to be teased but I also rather not deal with the drama.

Starbelly - posted on 09/14/2009

12

18

0

this is not a true friend. perhaps it's time to cut ties and move on. have your own shower - just throw a party welcoming Baby into the world! not exactly the "appropriate" thing to do, etiquette-wise, but who cares. it's becoming more popular these days to just have a party with all your friends instead of a "baby shower."

Dessie - posted on 09/13/2009

3

0

0

People like that are not you friend, so don't feel guilty at all. Not worth it!! If they want to behave like that, that's their choice & they will slowly realise that they won't have any friends anymore. Forgive them & forgive yourself & move on. Remember that you always have a choice and there's no right or wrong choice but the choice of the truth to pass to your kids. The choice of honesty, integrity, love & compassion.

Tammy - posted on 09/12/2009

1

15

0

I have been in a similiar situation, If she was your friend she won't do this to you over and over again..Being pregnant is suppose to be a happy and tress free time..I would just let her go..

Tiffany - posted on 09/12/2009

4

5

0

What I have learned is whether it is family or spouse or friends or a neighbor or a colleague, you must have in any successful relationship - communication, honesty, trust, commitment and I'll say communication again. Any rel. will break down without this, plain and simple. Communicate all of this to your father, stepmother-grandparents, as the advice you have been getting. Tell them also, for the future, your expectations as family/father/stepmom/grandparents and what you will not put up with ( give examples). Also, your love , commitment and inclusion of them in your life and your kid's lives. Put it all on them. Tell them they have a choice to make and you want them to think about it and get back to you. You will have your decision what you should do, after they make a choice and how they communicate back to you.

Alicia - posted on 09/11/2009

1

14

0

if the people that were in your life are good people to you and your hubby then i would try to give in and then explain what the real deal is so they would be your freind and not your foe you feel me see by you listening to your other so called friend all they are doing is turning others agianst you to yet again make you feel bad

[deleted account]

I say its time to cut the apron strings and stop being their door mat. You have every right to happyness as they do, if they can't be supportative and they keep breaking plans then you do not need them in your life.

Michelle - posted on 09/11/2009

4

1

0

I heard about this great way of working things out. I can't remember what it's called but it basically says; 1. Write down the problem, the decision you have to make and how each decision makes you feel (e.g. pros and cons of not seeing your dad, not seeing your step mother, etc.) 2. With each choice, think about how each decision will make you feel in a year. Are you going to feel worse or better? 3. Then look at 10 years and how you might feel then - if one of the choices is going to make you feel really bad then you might have to put up with a little discomfort now to have a good long term result. Whatever you decide you need to look at how your life will be better or worse by the decision you make. Most people find that this really clears their head and the decision gets easy. You try to take the emotion out of making the decision to do whats best for your immediate family. I hope this helps a little.

Michelle - posted on 09/11/2009

17

16

1

If this person was a true friend, she would not be treating you like this. Seems like she likes to control you and does this by making plans and then not being there. Slowly stop contacting her, withdraw your friendship... she does not deserve it!

[deleted account]

You could still invite them if you want, just dont count on them for anything at this point. Focus on your happiness. Some people are jealous and this is how jealousy rears its ugly head sometimes. Enjoy your pregnancy!!!

Lola - posted on 09/11/2009

1

6

0

I think moving on would be a good idea. Let her come to you this time...a dishonest and unrelyable person is not good friend material.

Lydia - posted on 09/11/2009

1,723

21

164

Its funny - but every presentation of any kind I have ever been to has repeated the message that you need to leave people like these behind as all they do is drag you down with them. I can see the sense in that and why its important but for some reason I always end up feeling guilty and apoligising to them regardless of which oneof us is in the wrong. I would leave them off the invite list. Whether or not you cave later is another issue... :)

[deleted account]

Leave them. They are obviously not friends and are very selfish and probably jealous of you, your hubby, and baby. Honestly, you do NOT need them around your children. This is a great time in your life and you should be enjoying it... how dare them take that away from you and your family! Something similar happened to me and my husband and I agreed that we just didn't need that drama in our lives. It is now a time to think about ourselves and our baby. It was a great decision and they have since come around and apologized, but I will never be hurt by them again.
Wrong me Once - Shame on You!
Wrong Me Twice - Shame on Me!
Wrong Me Thrice - Shame on Me!
Wrong Me Again - I'm Done!!!

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

i want to thank everyone for all their suggestions, stories, opinions, and encouagement! i really need all of it, to just help me try to move on and to make sure i was doing the right thing by just staying away, i dont want my kids to hate be when they get older because i kept people like that from them, they are they type that wont fess up and take responsibility for their actions and will cover it up and beat around the bush, so if things so get resolved in the future thats fine, but i have tried to keep in touch and make a relationship with my father. i dont have to let my kids around people i dont want them to be around, i am the one that carried them and gave birth to them and have taken care of my daughter and will take care of my son when he comes. no1 has ever stepped up to the plate. problems have gone on like this since i was a little girl. but i thought by moving up here we were going to have so much family and friends around and have good jobs and actually have a support system as far as grandparents and family there when u wanted to get coffee, shopping, out to lunch, parties, or just want a night alone with my husband. but that hasnt happened. and this was the last horrible thing that i will let happen to my family. i mean seriously i could write a book about this family and sell it and make billions of money, maybe i should :) LoL but agian thank you all it was all great advice. and i think i will wait until the baby is here to have a baby shower it sounds like a great idea, and i will just stop worrying and trying to make everyone else happy and just worry about i have one more month until im a mother of two and my daughter is going to be a great big sister :) xoxoxo thanks

Candice - posted on 09/09/2009

1,721

18

305

i LOVE family drama. When i had my daughter, my sister in law made it clear to my mom that "a child out of wedlock" was not something she condoned. My full sister didn't even acknowledge the baby (she's 16 mos old now, she still hasn't), My half brother didn't care to meet the baby, and when he accidentally did he totally ignored her (to the point that when the baby started playing with his shoes he turned his head away). All in all, out of 6 brothers and sisters, a sister in law, and 3 adult neices and nephews, 4 of them have met my daughter ONCE, 1 called once when she was over a year old, and 4 haven't met her at all. Only my neice seems interested in her and sees her regularly. and NONE of them went to my baby shower.



My advice...move on, make new friends with other moms, and if you have any friends you want to celebrate your new child with, have a gathering after the baby comes and invite who you WANT to be there. But you can't force people to care, or to treat you well. You can, however, not allow them to mistreat you, even if that means just not talking to them.

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

thank you that was very helpful, Ronda :) Thats exactly how i feel... but i have had those sit down meetings several times with this women and its fine for a little while and right back to the same shit i just cant handle it emotionally going back and forth.

Ronda - posted on 09/09/2009

4

29

1

If you feel as if you have done nothing wrong, then the mature thing to do; would be to set a "meeting" up with this person, so you can get straight to the source of the problem. Explain to them you feel as if you've done nothing wrong, and see if they are willing to start fresh. If they are not, then at least you can go on with your lives, and feel completely guilt free. If these people love you, and care about your unborn child, then they will be back in your lives in their own time. You cannot force them, unfortunately! I have been here a MILLION times with certain people. I have to say, I did not bend...they came to me in their own time, and we're doing great now!

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

Pam i will deff keep u posted and let u know :) sounds really great!!! i just didnt want anyone to think thats why i was making a big deal of this situation.

Pam - posted on 09/09/2009

4

39

0

not saying you couldn't provide...we are jsut going through them and not really sure what to do with all of them as most of my daughters friends seem to be having girls!! lol!! i just hate to have a rummage sale or take to good will...

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

thank you so much Pam, it is really nice of you :) i dont want anyone to get the wrong idea its not that i cant afford to get things for my kids its just i wanted to see people and celebrate... they didnt even have to bring anything :)

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

i am not blaming others for what i dont have... i cant make my step mom respect me and stop bringing up the past and breaking plans and starting problems and i cant control my dad no wanting to talk to me because i dont want to put up with his wife. im not having a baby shower because the person that was supposed to throw it backed out at the last minute.... its not that i need to have a baby shower to get things for my son my husband and i are more than capable of providing for me kids... it was to see everyone and celebrate the addition to our family. i dont have anyone else to throw it... the people that are excited and would throw a baby shower are in florida.

Lisa - posted on 09/09/2009

2

0

0

Hi, they are giving you some great advice, I hope that things work out for you.

Pam - posted on 09/09/2009

4

39

0

well congrats!!! i have 3 grandsons so let me know what u need as the youngest one is 3 months now and we are going thru his clothes...and believe me .. we have PLENTY of onsies!!!! lol keep in touch i sent you a friend invite on facebook!! i would be glad to send you some of the clothes!! she is done and most of the clothes are in great shape!!

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

thats true i can always do that thanks so0o0 much.... i am having a boy so i will have one of each :)

Alison - posted on 09/09/2009

2,753

20

466

Let her issues be her issues. You set your own boundaries. If your dad doesn't like it, that is unfortunate, but keep yourself out of her attention-seeking emotional madness. If you can maintain a relationship with them and teach her to respect your boundaries, that would be ideal.



As for your shower, don't get bummed, be proactive. Either find another willing friend - even if they are not super close, a lot of women enjoy organizing these sorts of things - or do it yourself, before or after giving birth. Keep it simple if you have to, but don't live a life of regrets, and don't blame others for what you have not got. (And DO invite your step-mom, she can refuse if she chooses)



Let go of the drama, embrace your wonderful and growing family!!!

Pam - posted on 09/09/2009

4

39

0

plan one for when the baby is 2-3 months old.......then you will be able to see how fast he/she grows and put in requests... even the few that show up would be nice to just spend time with i am sure!! Do you know what u are having?

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

i just wish i was back in FL then i would have less drama and more people that would be happy to have another addition... its just up here no1 is happy about it. they dont care...i am happy but it makes me feel like i have no1 to celebrate it with ... my husband is the only one working and paying the bills and is never home because of it.

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

i understand what u are saying... i would deff have a baby shower but i have one month left... and i really dont have more then 5 people to invite at the last minute and probably only 2 will come?

Pam - posted on 09/09/2009

4

39

0

it is not too late to have a baby shower!! you can have one even after the baby is born!! I totally understand where you are coming from, BUT you need to go on with your life and not stress over things especially with baby coming soon. I always say to my self in my situation that they will regret it one of these days and believe me...they will come crawling back.....

Tricia - posted on 09/09/2009

1

9

0

Don't forget the most important thing is making sure you do what makes you happy. When your child reaches older years, you'll want to look back and remember how wonderful your friends and family were and how great the baby shower was. If this person seems to only want to take those things away from you then you should distance yourself. This is a time thats supposed to be all about YOU. You dont need a huge group to have a baby shower and its perfectly fine to throw yourself one. Even if it ends up being a very small circle of family, it will be filled with good memories, not drama. Take care of YOU first, thats whats important. Just my $0.02

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

this is the only things that are going on with these people but i have moved on from the other things that she has done to me and try to look past it and make peace with her for my dads happiness. but she just keeps going and going.... so now that i dont want his wife in my life he doesnt want anything to do with me since i spoke up and told him everything his wife has put us thru?

Heather - posted on 09/09/2009

18

34

0

the thing is that these people arent just friends they are grandparents to my kids. and i cant help but to be upset about this. as much as i try to move on and not care about it it still bothers me especially since my 3 year old daughters asks for them. and its too late to plan a babyshower by myself. i have a month left.

Erin - posted on 09/09/2009

73

23

9

The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you want these people around for your kids to see how they act and to possibly emulate them? I agree with Jessica, this person doesn't seem like a good friend or the kind of person I'd want around my kids. Enjoy your family and the friends who really care about you!

Jessica - posted on 09/09/2009

3

8

1

I think this friend doesn't sound like a very good friend at all and you should move on with your life have a baby shower without them. Life is much too short to spend your time feeling bad about someone elses issue. Your having a baby you should be happy and not stressing out.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms