How to improve my relationship

Holleigh - posted on 06/09/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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My Boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years we have to children. I love him to death but our relationship is going down hill. He has a really bad temper and when he get mad enough he hits me. It didn't used to be this bad I don't know what happened. Everything I do makes him angry and for awhile now he has been beating me. I can't really talk to him about anything no more he just get mad and tell me shut or else he will just hit me if i says something that pisses him off. I need help because right now i don't know what to do.

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JuLeah - posted on 06/10/2011

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This can't be fixed. This is not about you. You didn't cause this, you can't cure this.
Domestic violence just gets worse.
Your children are learning every day how men and women interact. Your sons are learning to hit women, belittle, shame, degrade, disrespect. Your daughters are learning to accept that treatment from a man.
Call local shelters, women DV centers and get some information on the pattrens of DV.
Millions of women and men (men can be victums too) deal with this.
You are not alone.
There are no words you can say, no right thing you can do that will change him.
DV is a choice, it is a leanred behavior, but a choice. He is completly in control and knows exactly what he is doing. It is a choice, it is always a choice.
The cause of DV is DV, and you can't change that for him, but you can change it for your kids.

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControl...

This link ought to work. It is the power and control wheel, so if the link doesn't work, search under power and control wheel

Now, get your ducks in a row before you take action

Gather all important papers (shot records, school records, birth cerfiticates ....) and put them in a safe place.

Gather a sample of photos you wants to keep.

If you have a support system, speak honestly to them without your bf knowing. Only do this if it is dafe and only you can know that.

The two week after a woman leaves is the most dangrous time of all.

When answers are needed, they will come to you. You will find your path through this. One thing I know about DV is that abusers never pick weak stupid women to beat on, weak and stupid would not be able to surive them :) You are strong, you are resourceful, you are able to do what you need to do here to protect yourself and children.

Lissa - posted on 06/10/2011

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Go to a police station, a shelter, a church, call your family and get them to pick you up. You are being abused, you have already been isolated from your family. This is not your fault and any of the places I have listed will help you. Abuse does not get better, it almost always gets worse. Whether he hurts your children physically or not they will be emotionally traumatised if you stay with him. You do not want your children to grow up thinking it's OK to treat a woman this way or be treated this way by anyone. Please just walk out the door now, if you haven't already done it. Do not be scared to tell your family, unless they are awful people they will help you and support you.

Vikki - posted on 06/12/2011

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I found this information in another post on this site and was hoping that it could help. God Bless!!



NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (NCADV)

If you have encountered a Mom on Circle of Moms who has reported domestic violence (including child abuse), or if you are in an abusive relationship, we recommend you contact the following:



National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

United States Residents: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)

http://www.ncadv.org

For questions, resource materials or referrals, Moms can contact

Maria Luisa O'Neill

1-303-839-1852 ext. 109

mloneill@ncadv.org



American Domestic Violence Crisis Line

Americans residing overseas: 1-866-879-6636

http://www.866uswomen.org



Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Center

Australia Residents: 1800 200 526

http://www.dvirc.org.au



Shelternet

Canada Residents: http://www.shelternet.ca



Women's Aid

United Kingdom Residents: 0808 2000 247

http://www.womensaid.org.uk



Other Countries: A worldwide list of agencies against domestic violence can be found at http://www.hotpeachpages.net



If you or someone you know is in immediate danger (and you have contact info), please contact your local law enforcement.



For introductory information on what battering is:

http://www.ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem.ph...

[deleted account]

Pack a bag, grab your kids, and leave asap. Please. Go to the police, the hospital, a nearby church, anywhere, but please do not stay w/ a man that hits you. What if he beats on the kids or ends up killing you?

Get out now! You CAN do this. Your kids are counting on you.

Melissa - posted on 06/10/2011

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*hugs* sorry to hear sweetie. I know easier said then done but everyones advice is right you need to leave. My best friend left an abusive relationship after nearly 5 yrs, I never ever thought she would I gave up trying but she did it now she is happier then ever with a husband and little girl. He was an abusive alcoholic he's strangle her hit her, kick her in the stomach while she was pregnant, broke her nose punching her, all sorts seriously it was bad. You need to get out

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26 Comments

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Dionne - posted on 10/07/2013

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Hi Sweetie,
I have been down that road... And I know how you feel. It's hard to believe right now, but the best thing that you can do for yourself, and for your kids is get out. I know how confusing it all is, and I know that it's hard, but believe me, that is the best thing that you can do for your children and for you. You don't deserve to be a human punching bag and the kids don't deserve to be around a man who mistreats their beautiful mother that way. :)... My prayers are with you, I know it's hard, but you can do it!!! :) Believe in yourself and believe that you deserve a better life than this... It's out there waiting for you!!! :)
Much Love

JuLeah - posted on 06/15/2011

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Sandra, she does not need any more fear in her life. But, the safe house is a good idea.

JuLeah - posted on 06/14/2011

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Good on ya Cynthia! Nad, Holleigh, you too will one day be telling your story of courage as you help another women get out

Cynthia - posted on 06/13/2011

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Been there....I have a huge scar on my stomach to remind me of the day he got beyond angry....was in I.C.U. for 2 weeks....I was so scared of him that I still didnt leave him after that....it took me months 2 come up with a plan...I was so broken..so sad..so weak...my son was 5 yrs old...not his....it wasnt till my sons dad took my son from... me after seeing me with numerous bruises....he told me get right n my son can come back...I fell into a deep depression for a couple weeks...then I thought...why am I suffering...why is my son suffering being without me cuz of some guy...who does NOT love n respect me...is this what im teaching my son?? Oh hell no I wont....I am stronger than that...im a MoM...I did it...I had 2 go 2 the police...the state...head of domestic violence div...they helped me...it was hard but I did it...hes in prison now....that was 10 yrs ago....since then ive been living...have 2 more beautiful kids a loving husband...the one thing is my son now 16 is affected by what I went thru...when their young they dont quite understand everything...when he turned bout 13 its like he automaticaly got mad at me 4 what I put him thru but he knows I will never go thru that again....Leave him today...for your sons sake n future....your a woman..ur a mom..you are strong...show ur son thats how women are!!!! God Bless You Mama....

Sandra - posted on 06/12/2011

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Find a safe house and a God fearing church. Human services can probably direct you to safe house. God has good things for you and being beaten is not one of them. Pray for your boyfriend pray has more power than any words we could ever say. He is probably overwelmed with the stress of providing for you and the children, pray for him to seek God's wisdom. The bible says to ask and it shall be done, ask in faith and trust God to do it.

Tameca - posted on 06/11/2011

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Sweetheart, this is the kind of story that I hate to hear. When someone say that their husband or boyfriend is beating on them. The first thing the women say if someone ask them why won't they leave him, her respond would be because I love him. If he loved you then he wouldn't be beating on you. Girl leave him because he is not worth all the pain he is causing you and your children. There is help out there. Babygirl, he got you right where he wants you and that is away from your family. This has happened to my sister and she had called the police on her husband and he was arrested and charged with child endangerment and some more stuff. When you get out of there PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK. You deserve better than that. Think about your children because that are # 1 in your life. I understand that it is hard. That's just the way life goes. You will eventually find somebody that loves you for who you are and not just for an hitting bag. I am sure you are a beautiful person inside and out.

Elizabeth [ Betty ] - posted on 06/11/2011

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When your partner is relaxed, not aggressive, you might ask him why he gets angry . But do this only IF you are sure it won't trigger an outburst. He may be using drugs, or he could be very immature , like a spoiled little boy . Many men are never disciplined when they are young and did not learn the meaning of the word no. So when they do not get immediate satisfaction they act like this. Do you have any way of getting away ? There are shelters for woman like yourself. Try to find out where one is so that you can escape from this terrible situation . There is a strong possibioity, that he may injure you so badly that you are maimed or dead . Who would care for the children ? Please think about that . Most men who beat their loved ones, are cowards, and they do not have much self-esteme . But it takes a trained person to cope and to rebuild their selfworth. Your little ones, are watching and learning these horrible habits, and will eihter do the same one day, or will hook up with somene just like him-some deep seated need to prove that they loved him ;But these ideas or so deep within their mind that they don't know it themselves.

It could also mean that he is tired of you, and this is his twisted way of ridding himself of you.

Make sure that he knows that his downright nasty self is not an option .

One person that I learned about , even went so far as to promise, that if he hurt her again, he'd better never fall asleep - for she would hit him with the iron frying pan ..

These are drastic measures, and could even lead to further violence .

As one of the women, says in her experience , save yourself from this ghastly situation - do it so that he doesn't have a clue until you are far away ..

Give your family the option of assisting you . They could be your way out, so don't discount their help until you have tried. No one deserves this treatment . You will be in my thoughts and prayers, my dear young woman , and I hope that reaching out this way , has shown you, that you aren't alone . Just be very wise, and make a plan . And Bless all the woman who have tried to support you.







s

Vikki - posted on 06/11/2011

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OMG hunny, I cried when I read this. I understand that you have nowhere to go but there are battered women shelters in every county. I know it sounds scarey to be a single mom but there is help. Nothing good is going to come out of this relationship, if you have sons, he is teaching them that its okay to physically hurt the ones you love and if you have daughters its teaching them its okay to be hit. If it has gotten worse, I know it's a hard thing to hear because its a hard thing to say but, he could snap in his rage and kill you. I know you may think he is not capable of that because you know he loves you, but in a white hot rage he may not be able to stop and where will your kids be without you? PLEASE, PLEASE GET OUT!! No body deserves that!! I will pray for you and your kids to have the strength to do what you need to in order to survive.

Neva - posted on 06/11/2011

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You need to get out of there and fast!! This is an abusive relationship and its not going to get better. You need to call an abuse hotline, make a plan to get away and get counseling. There is nothing you can do that makes you deserve to be hit. Abuse only escalates unless he is forced to get help. You must make a plan and get to a safe house where he can't find you, this is important because the most dangerous time is when a woman leaves her abuser. You can look on line for the number of an abuse hotline and someone will help you. This is really important. He's not beating you because of anything you do, he's doing it as a form of control over you. He may be nice afterwards and apologize, give you gifts, etc., but that is just part of the control because then the cycle will start again. GET OUT OF THERE WITH THE CHILDREN. If you stay you are teaching your children that its okay for a man to beat up a woman. You don't want that.

Amy - posted on 06/10/2011

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He's isolated you from your family and now you've become his punching bag, you feel trapped and that exactly what abusers want! You need to get you children get to the nearest shelter and reach out to your family about what's going on. If you don't want to do it for yourself do it for your children, is this the type of relationship you want your daughter in 15 years from now, do you want your son to grow up and think this is how you treat a woman? Don't become a sad story we read about in the paper get out and get yourself and your children some counseling!

Dolores - posted on 06/10/2011

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Take it from someone who has been there..the slaps turn to punches and punches turn to beatings that end up with broken bones. Once it starts it only gets worse and yes it will eventually spill over on the kids. When my husband hit my daughter it finally gave me enough courage to get out. Trust me go now while you can. Many women have died from a man who was sorry that he hit too hard. God help you!

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/10/2011

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Or if you are going to stay, maybe consider putting the kids up for adoption that way they don't grow up in an abusive household.

Amanda - posted on 06/10/2011

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To me you sound like you still want to be with him.
If that is the case you need to find someone you can talk to. Maybe look at relationship counceling and find out what is behind these outbursts. Your bf sounds like he could do with anger management too

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/10/2011

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Yeaaaa... obveiously he doesn't respect you. Why don't you go to any local church that looks friendly and talk to a few pastors? They will be the most knowledgable on how to help you. They probably have programs they can send you to for information about your situation, advice groups who can also support and inform you of all of your legal rights. Right now, you need emotional support. Even if you don't totally believe in a religion, they believe in you and will be there for you! So I would try to find some light in your dark situation :(



This is coming from an Agnostic too, so I am in no way trying to convert you to any form of religion. I just think they are very nice and helpful as they are usually geared towards caring for others and being compassionate when people are in need of help. It would probably help you a lot to talk to anyone local about it. So just walk in to a few, or call and ask when you can come in and who to see. I bet you someone around associated with these things can take care of you :)



Also, police stations and hospitals will have lots of information for you too.

Holleigh - posted on 06/10/2011

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i don't have the money for a plane ticket. and am scared to tell my family about this

Amanda - posted on 06/09/2011

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I would see if there was some sort of support group that deals with that sort of thing in your area. Some sort of womens shelter. Call a close friend or family member and have them come get you or if you are able, get on a plane yourself and do not go back

Holleigh - posted on 06/09/2011

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i don't have anywhere to go we just moved to this state and i don't have any family here

Amanda - posted on 06/09/2011

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Personally I wouldn't be standing for that. I would be packing up my kids and taking myself and them as far away as possible.
Do you have a friend or family member that can put you up until you get on your feet??
You really needd to get out of there before he turns his anger on the kids

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