How to not get so angry with my child?

Renee - posted on 10/25/2012 ( 30 moms have responded )

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I won't go through all of the things that has happened to me in my life, but what I'm worried about is how my issues affect my relationship with my daughter. I'm not nice to my daugher, I get too angry all of the time, I'm not affectionate, she's scared of me.. I can go on with all the things I do wrong.



I started to revisit this problem after talking to my boyfriend about having children. He wants to have kids with me. I don't because I don't feel like a fit parent.. and I don't because I feel like I'm already screwing up one kid, I don't want to screw up another.



The reason I feel like this is because I have serious anger issues. It's normal for our kids to make us angry, but my reaction when my daughter makes me angry is indescribable. For certain situations where a normal person would just give a child a stern talking to, I'm furious, I explode, I lash out, I'm not in control of myself and I don't think. I can write about this after the fact, but when I'm in the moment, I don't think about why I'm angry, I don't think about taking a moment aside to breathe, to calm down. I just react first and then feel bad later.



I don't know how to stop this, so I'm asking for advice. I've tried talking to the sources of my problems, I've been told to go to therapy, to walk out of the room, to take a breather.. none of these things seem to work.



Hoping for some good suggestions that might help fix us..

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Katrina - posted on 11/30/2012

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Try smoking some weed. It's only a temporary solution, but I've found that I can connect with my son with more patience and compasssion, I can realte to his method of thinking, and I can find ways to incorporate learning exercises into our problems when I'm high, but when I'm sober, I just yell at him a lot. YMMV.

Jennifer - posted on 10/28/2012

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Seek professional help ASAP. It's great that you are reaching out and admitting this, which must be difficult for you. This relationship sounds like mine with my mom. I'm almost 40 and still shudder when she wants to hug me. It's very, very sad for me. I was an innocent child and she abused her power in the relationship and now wants me to just 'forgive and forget'. it may help if you think about the longterm repercussions of your actions in the moment. Are you prepared to be estranged from her as an adult due to her anger and resentment? Of course not! So, your actions must change. Would you treat her the same way if I (a stranger) were standing there watching? If not, you are making a conscious choice to victimize her and it's not a 'loss of control'. In the momeent, imagine a loving mother is observing you. Ask yourself what a loving mother would do or find acceptable? Take your time in all your dealings with her. Don't allow yourself to just react. Seeking professional help for yourself and your daughter could help you both heal and save her from repeating history.

Katherine - posted on 11/08/2012

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First, don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that your posting this and are so concerned shows that you really love your daughter and want to be the best Mom you can be to her. The kind of anger you are describing sounds like it's more than just an inability to control your emotions. It sounds like a chemical imbalance. I was like that as well when I tried the HCG diet. And my poor daughter... she just knew how to push my buttons, so she got the brunt of it all. My doctor suggested I take L-Theanine to help curb my anger, and it seemed to help. However, I've since abandoned the HCG diet and am just eating as healthy as I can, sleeping a minimum of 7 hours a night, and working out at least a half hour three times a week, and all of the anger has gone away. I hope some of this might help you, and wish you all the best.

Michelle - posted on 10/29/2012

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When I get really angry with my daughter I take time afterwards to apologize and talk to her about why I got angry. I give her options and ideas how to avoid pushing my buttons the next time the same kind of situation arises. For the most part, children love their parents, even if they're scared of them, and want to please them. But if we don't tell them how to do that how can we hold them responsible? Sometimes it's my fault and has really nothing to do with her, and I admit it, and ask her to forgive me. Children are quick to forgive and want to make things right so they can feel good about their parents and themselves. Apologizing and asking for forgiveness can be difficult but it's fair and will help to curb those outbursts when you know you will have to say I'm sorry. Lastly, if you can find it in yourself to ask for help, ask God to help. But pray for help for yourself, as well as your daughter. Obviously there are things from your own childhood that have scarred you so deeply that you are acting this way. I had the same type of childhood and was afraid to have kids myself. I remember saying when I was a kid, "I will never treat my kids that way!" When I finally had my daughter at 38, each time one of those situations arose, I remembered how my mom acted, how it made me feel, and I put myself in my daughter's shoes, and treated her the way I wished my mother would have treated me. Firmly, but fairly. Use your own parent's treatment of you as a guideline as how NOT to act, and begin to incorporate physical love into your relationship. Hugs and the words I love you mean so much to a child. Explain to her that you know things have been difficult, and you're going to try to be a better mom. It will be awkward for both of you at first, but the rewards will far outweigh the effort. Break the generational curse that you carry or she may carry it on to her own children.

Amidy - posted on 10/28/2012

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I realized I needed help the moment I had my 2 year old son backed into the corner of his bed and I was in his face screaming at him for something stupid. I had a serious rage issue! Dumb things would set me off and I would loose it. I was put on an anti-depressant and it helped tremendously! Not many people think of anger problems as depression but a lot of the time it is. I would try a combo of meds, anger management, and parenting classes. Also make sure your getting enough sleep and try to spend some quality time with your daughter. I'm not sure how old she is and spending time with her can be hard, we just don't have much in common with kids, but it will be worth it to have a kid that trusts you and wants to spend time with you. I hope you find something that works for you.

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Dawn - posted on 03/08/2014

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You're trying your best hun. Disregard the negative. Listen to the positive. Know you are not alone. Do what you think will work for you but try new things. Just remind yourself how much you love and try as hard as it may be sometimes, to just smile at her. It makes a world of a difference. All the best.

Janet - posted on 01/23/2014

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Oh, and please no, don't smoke weed as one reader suggested. Kids know when you are in an altered state, and even if you feel more patient and helpful, you are partly ABSENT, which is worse than being angry and focused on the kid. I know from experience—child of addict.

Janet - posted on 01/23/2014

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I sympathize. I found your post because I feel my anger is sometimes destructive too. Thank you for posting. I'm interested in the post about DBT.

Kamilla - posted on 12/19/2013

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Just like you, I used to have huge anger problems too. I went to a therapy called DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy). It's for people with destructive behaviors. This therapy helps the patient to find a balance between their internal and external environment. It's also about learning to accept reality and yourself as you are and at the same time working for the necessary changes to the target in order to live meaningfully. It's a individual and group therapy where you work a lot with mindfulness. I really hope that you can get a hold of a place where they use this therapy, I would recommend it to everyone even people with smaller problems.

Good Luck!!!

Amanda - posted on 12/02/2012

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Have you ever talked to your Doctor,,re being tested for ADD...ADHD...? maybe do some light reading on it for adults and symptoms....

Lisa - posted on 11/24/2012

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Relaxation Meditation, soothing herbs/tea, and one on one time with your daughter. Sometimes we feel insecure as a parent and subconsciously blame our child for this feeling of ineptness. Find something you both enjoy, even if you can only find one thing in common it will be worth it!

Elsa - posted on 11/07/2012

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Take some time to go to the gimnasium. It helps a person to relax and to medidate about the things that are important in life.

Elsa - posted on 11/07/2012

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How about going to the gimnasium. It helps people to relax. It gives a person time to think on what is really important in life.

Robin - posted on 11/06/2012

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You may need medication for a mood disorder, or anxiety. your daughter should not be afraid of you. If your daughter is afraid then yes it is a problem. you may need to talk to a councilor about how to deal with issues with your child.

Jeanette - posted on 11/06/2012

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In my opinion, I believe that your daughter is not even the source of your anger, but since she is the closest to you, so you are taking it out on her. You need to seriously deal with the source of your anger and hate that is destroying your relationship with your daughter. If this continues, it could rub of on her and she will resent you for it later.

Mazy - posted on 11/06/2012

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Sorry I didn't read all of the comments, but I lash out in a similar way. And it doesn't help that I have three under 4 years old. For me, I think it has to do with previous depression issues compounded with PPD. I have found that if I take time release B vitamins in the morning & magnesium at lunch I feel much better & Im a lot calmer...actually able to walk away when Im mad. It takes a few days to see a change, but for me it works. It's a lot cheaper than therapy, and has less side effects than meds, so it might be worth a try. Good luck momma!!

Kamilla - posted on 11/06/2012

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You are a very good mother, you want the best for your child and you know your problem and what to do something about it, and there are not many in the world who does!



DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) combined with counselling! That's the only thing that helped me (I thought I tried everything) and I used to have the same problem as you do! I was diagnosed with serious anger problems. But now, I'm free from it, I'm not perfekt, but I can handle my anger in a better way than I used to, sometimes better that other times. And this therapy is not only for those with anger problems, it's for everybody! We all have different kinds of problems (anger, depression, addictions, etc).



I think that they should teach this method to everybody, not just those with problems, it's a very important and good method. Read about it and please consider it, because I thought I was lost and nothing seemed to work for me, but THIS did work and I hope and pray that it will work for you too! Give it a chance.



Please let me know!

Sincerely,

Kamilla

Ps: When I had my problem I was a mother to one, now, I'm a mother to two.

Holly - posted on 10/29/2012

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IMO I think that you need to find a family member or a friend that would be a good care taker for her, until you get your life back

Angie - posted on 10/29/2012

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HI Renee. First let me say that you are a good mom for 1, wanting and searching for help and 2, even being aware of the issue and concerned for your child. So kudos to you for that!

I am a mother of 6. And I really truly get where you're coming from. Over the years, due to various reasons, I feel that I became angrier and angrier at things (or people) and it really affected my moods and general tolerance level for my kids. I would take the chaos and take the chaos and take the noise and take the whining and take the fighting and then I would just snap. Then I was noticing it happening on a daily basis, especially towards the end of the day, I was so irritable I couldn't stand it. Now this felt physical to me. Like there was something going with me that made me so damn irritable and emotional all the time. I did go to the Dr and found that I was all off hormonally. K....so just hear me out, cuz I freaked at the thought too.....He put me on "Fluoxetine", a generic brand of Prozac. I was feeling desperate so I just decided to try it. Within 2 weeks...WOW....I didnt feel any different except more of a calm come over me. Like, I just didnt react in an irritable way and my tolerance level really was much higher. Im not going to say I never snap or get angry or feel irritable, but it really helped me by making me feel more even keeled. Im really glad I did that even tho I swore a long time ago I would never take anything like that. So Im just telling you this because my anger and irritability issues came from, in my opinion and the Drs opinion, a chemical imbalance. There were a few times I ran out and like clockwork, about 2 weeks later, my moods and irritability were right back. I went up to a month without taking it and i was right back to that god awful feeling of just being pissed off at the world and irritable etc...... So there is suggestion number 1.

Suggestion number 2: I dont know if you ever heard of Scientology, and if you ever have whether or not it was positive or negative, but I have been a Scientologist for a long time. I have tried "therapy" and counseling and all that garbage but found that Scientology was the only thing that worked for me and that MADE SENSE. It doesnt matter what religion you are, what race you are, or how old you are.....Scientology can help anyone. It is a place you can go, or website you can visit, to get help for any problem, any issue in any area of your life. There are a lot of books or courses you can do that would really change your life, There is quite a lot on "children" ; the raising of, the treating of, the effects that abuse or similar things can have on the child and why they grow up the way they do....its simply amazing.

Scientology is unlike anything I have ever done. It truly is the only thing that has worked for me. Here is a link. Maybe you could check it out and watch some of the videos to get an idea what its about and how it can help you.... http://www.scientology.org/

Here is one excerpt off of the website.....



WHAT DOES SCIENTOLOGY SAY ABOUT THE RAISING OF CHILDREN?

"L. Ron Hubbard has written a great deal about raising children. In Scientology, children are recognized as spiritual beings, occupying young bodies. This does not make them any less a person and they should be given all the love and respect granted adults. Scientologists also believe children should be encouraged to contribute to family life and not just be “seen and not heard,” as the old saying goes.

Most children raised in good Scientology homes are above average in ability and quickly begin to understand how and why people act as they do. Life thus becomes a lot happier and safer for them."



Please check it out, the information is priceless. You child is counting on it! Please dont continue letting your child live in fear of you or feel like she is useless or unworthy.



When you go the website you can explore anywhere you want but if you look at the top right of the page, you'll see "Scientology video channel". That part of the website is really interesting and answers a lot of questions. Also the videos that start playing right when you open up the website are pretty cool. They are just "feel good" commercials. Its awesome.



Well good luck to you. I hope I didnt go overboard....but the raising of children is where my heart is. Please take my advice. (scientology before drugs tho!) I would love for you to keep in touch.

SINCERELY....

Angie

Judi - posted on 10/28/2012

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I responded in another message to your story, but I felt I needed to respond to this as well. I recognize the detached feeling. I learned to box up my feelings. In other words, to suppress them or shut them down. A life time of doing this created depression. My emotions were flat line when the pressure was heavy. Exercise, coping methods & friendship or family are the best ways to deal with this! Women are made to talk to process thoughts so socialization is big! Organization helps a little too by reducing clutter causing less stress ;o)

Judi - posted on 10/28/2012

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I know first hand how hard it is to first recognize the anger issue. I'm so proud of you for coming this far! I was confused and anger management class was helpful for recognizing when I'm getting angry. Mine stemmed from my child hood and my parents divorcing when I was two. I was stuck in the middle of their hatred for each other. My parents still don't know how to recognize their own feelings so I had to accept the fact that I had to distance myself from them in order to heal and grow myself. This was my choice to be a better person & the best parent I could be. My parents choose not to recognize how to grow the way I have & its hard to be O.K. with this. I yearn for the family closeness. Also, from this I didn't know children have to be taught to recognize their emotions when they are toddlers to help them be confident within themselves. I have a five year old and I've taken many helpful parenting classes. I also took a couple years of therapy to discover the root causes of my anger that explodes and is intense. I understand the self loathing! I hate myself when I get like this. This self-hatred is bad for your health physically! My muscles stay tense and sometime spasm. I have had panic attacks. I had a mental breakdown, my brain refuses to do calculus or even algebra and I loved math all throughout my schooling. The brain & the body are very much affected by feelings and thoughts. They don't do well with the daily & nearly constant bombardment of negativity towards self. I know it's expensive & I thought, “I can fix itself, I don't need to pay someone to listen to me talk!” I started counseling sessions when I was on Medicaid during my pregnancy & I know some insurance covers therapy sessions with a small co-pay attached. There are also private therapists that will charge a smaller fee based on income. Personally, I don't like prescription drugs so I stay away from the ones that half of their therapy is seeing their patients to renew the prescription. The biggest things I got from therapy sessions were how to better recognize my feelings instead of shutting them down before they start & most of all, ways of coping. It's a struggle to take time every day to pamper and focus on myself. I am a mother. My instincts are to take care of everyone else and leave nothing for myself. During this long journey I found my career. I love being a massage therapist! I help others work through their troubles while I work out the muscles and pamper them. I also get the closeness I yearn for within the boundaries I set. Physical exercise is the best therapy ever! All this anger and thoughts that we are holding onto manifest themselves in the body physically. The body is able to work out the tenseness that usually is reserved for fight or flight. I notice when I slack on my routine and start stressing out. Funny how that works. I know what works for each person is different. The minimum I can get away with is once a week yoga class. I know I could deal with much more if I upped my exercise to 2-3 times a week or daily. When I'm up on my exercise and with my MT business, little things don't even make me blink. I'm able to be happy a majority of the time. It's a nice feeling.

Pattie - posted on 10/28/2012

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Have u tried anger managment plez do seek help for the sake of yourdaughter! Have u tried mother daughter time go out shopping for walks to the movied I wish u all the best you have done riight with the first step in seeking help plez continue to solve this problem obviously it is deep rooted - applaud you for asking for help♥. Pattie

Theresa - posted on 10/28/2012

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Umm none of us are in a place professionally to give you help or advice you need. It is great you realize you have a problem but go to a professional. Nothing will work until you are ready to make it work. Just like you can't make an alcoholic realize they have a problem until they are ready to get help. Maybe you need meds (not being ignorant).

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2012

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Well u definitely need to do something to get your anger under control bc its not fair to your daughter and she will grow up and want nothing to do with u or have a very messed up life. It is not right to treat her that way an think that way even when your not angry with her. Kids don't respond to anger and unaffection. U need to get help before u end up hurting her or let someone else take care of her since u don't feel u can do it. She deserves much more.

Ashley - posted on 10/28/2012

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i jsut ready some comments. and medicine might help keep control of your anger. but maybe you could take some parenting classes also, since you asked how you can be a better mother. the classes could also help you to control your anger and give you differant ways to cope with it.

Ashley - posted on 10/28/2012

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its probably a good decision not to have any more kids right now...but dont lose hope because you at least recongnize you have a problem and realize it is affecting your daughter...that's the first step to fixing it. you should go to a therapist, and be completely honest with them. i know this is a hard one for most mothers, but maybe you can find someone to care for your daughter until you get this under control. she really doesnt need to be the one it is taken out on. and that will give you some time to work on you. im not saying you will hurt your daughter physically, but when you get that mad and cant control yourself, there is no saying what can happen. you just need some help, and it is out there, but you have to look for it. maybe even being inpatient at a hospital would help, because they will be able to see your anger and things that they normally wouldnt be able to because of only seeing you once a week or however much it would be, also being in the hospital might make it a faster recovery, so you can bring your daughter back home sooner. you should call around to therapists and hospitals. and if you dont like one, or feel like they are not helping, dont give up hope, find another. you might have to go through several before you find one who actually understands, and you feel comfortable enough with to talk about it too. do this for your daughter, if for nothing else. she deserves to have her mommy, and she deserves to have her mommy at her best, not worst. she needs you more than anything, and you cant fully be there for her until you help yourself first. she is worth it, and it may be a long road, but you can do it for her. good luck.

Danielle Kimberly - posted on 10/26/2012

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Maybe you can find a "self help" type of book.. If you look online or in a bookstore, I'm sure there must be something that could help you. Sorry I don't have much advise for you. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Lise - posted on 10/26/2012

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Have you actually gone to therapy? You sound like you may have depression which sometimes does come out as anger. I have seen this in family members and they needed medication to control their anger. I think you are very brave to come on here and ask for help. As mom's alot of us like to "play" the perfect mom role when we all have made mistakes. Good for you for trying to find a solution. I also get angry at my daughter over the littlest of things, I know how you feel guilty after but in the moment you are just angry. I would also get your daughter into therapy because it is hurting her even if she doesn't say it. Good luck to both of you :)

Renee - posted on 10/26/2012

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I love my daughter but I feel like I'm detached. I don't feel motherly. I think I'm pretty callous, cold, I'm more worried about work/grad school (even though I'm doing it for her). It's weird, like I know I'm doing it for her, but in the meantime, I don't treat her well. Maybe because I didn't parents myself, so I don't know how to be one. What do I need to do?



I'm don't walk around angry all of the time. I'm not mad at the world or anything. It's *when* I get angry that I'm worried about. I hate how I lose control to the point that sometimes I feel like I'm damaging my kid mentally and I don't feel like she's had a happy childhood because of me. I guess my question really is how do I stop losing control of myself? And then after I can do that, how do I become a better mom?

Danielle Kimberly - posted on 10/25/2012

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In general, when you are not mad, what are your feelings towards your daughter? You love her but you have a hard time showing her that you love her? It saddens me that she is scared of you, but trust me, I am definitely not judging you. Do you and your daughter ever do any mother-daughter things? Does she show interest in things that you guys could do together? You need to focus on growing a bond with your daughter.



Yes, kids misbehave, but its our jobs as parents to teach them and unfortunately the way you are dealing with her is teaching her how to deal with things, with anger...the cycle will continue and I'm sure you don't want this for your daughter. I think you need to start over. Forget about whatever/whoever you are angry about, because its eating you alive and your daughter is feeling the effects more than you can imagine. It might be hard, but focus on your daughter.. Start feeling what she must feel when you get angry with her. Put yourself in her shoes.. Don't just think about it sometimes, think about it all the time. You need to totally change your mindset. This might sound corny, but maybe you should try yoga, meditation or something that will clear your mind, help you heal mentally. You have to really want to change and I believe you do since you wrote this post.

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