Hubby wants sex, show me the $$$...

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Okay so here is the deal, my husband is so controlling with the money. He treats me as if I were one of our teenagers. I do work and bring in my own money but I pay out at least 50% of my take home on car payments and gas, not to mention I pay all our insurances, food for five, cheer expenses for two kids and clothes for myself and three kids. I don't have anything left after all this. Also I have been receiving my paychecks late because of cash flow issues at my company. He makes way more extra money than I do, when I check his checking account there is anywhere from $5k to $10k at any given moment. Would it really kill him to kick down a couple hundred here and there?

So I saw a therapist last month and he mentioned what leverage I had that can be used when my husband acts like a douche and I honest couldn't answer, I had nothing. He doesn't care about too much as long as he gets to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, which he always does, I have no control over that. I can simply not be around when he needs to leave and has the baby but he will just leave her with our teenagers or drop her off at the sitters so that doesn't work. Or if someone needs to be picked up and he doesn't want to do it he just calls me, if I can't or refuse, then he leaves them there until I get a phone call and am forced to do it. He could care less about dinner or stuff like that. We seriously don't have sex but once every few months. He has been making comments lately about it like if I do X he will let me buy Y. I'm thinking if he's pushing for sex more often, he needs to provide me with spending money and help with my expenses as well:) Crazy I know....

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Evelyn - posted on 01/26/2013

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I have to agree with the ladies here. The playing of games is childish and does not get any answers to problems. He does not want to go to see out counseling services. He does not seem to want to talk things out unless he gets something in return. He sounds self-fish to me. But you are starting to sound that way too. Why is he not contributing to the kids? He helped bring them into the world. That is my worry. The kids are going to suffer with your game playing. And you and your husband are setting an example of how adults are to these kids. What they see and hear they will do when they get grown up. So this is not all about you. Its about them too.

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2013

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And from what I gather, your husband has the funds for the counselling. A marriage where sex is one of the bargaining chips is not a marriage that will work in the long term.

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2013

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But you're not trying to make things work. You are playing games.

And what makes you think I am angry? They are typed words. You can't tell how I feel from a bunch of typed words.

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2013

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So why did you post here? What answers are you actually looking for? Because it seems you are after a particular type of response here. You're not going to get it from me, because I clearly don't agree with what you are doing, and I think your marriage is screwed up and neither of you wish to do anything about it. I'm not quite sure what it is you are after. Validation?

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2013

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If you dislike him so much, leave. You clearly have nothing but disdain for him.

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Dove - posted on 01/25/2013

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Working on a marriage only works if both partners in the marriage are willing to work at it...

He clearly isn't willing, so I guess you can either play his pathetic immature games with him.... or demand he treat you like a human being and get out. Maybe if you leave him he will come to realize what he has to lose and start acting like a decent human being? Or you could file for divorce and he'd have to pay alimony, child support, and the medical insurance for your children. ;)

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013

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I'm not after anything in particular, it's just post. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Its obvious you don't agree and that's fine.

It just seems to me people are so quick to judge or to say just leave him. I have seen so many women on here post problems with their husband and the first response from most is "get out" or "just leave". Whatever happened to trying to make things work?

I do believe in working things out and I do love my husband and the life we have. Yes obviously things are screwed up. I do not disdain him but I certainly don't like the way he's trying to control everything. I just want a little more help, cooperation and to be considered an equal. I certainly do not want to feel like I have to "ask" for things from my spouse. Maybe I'm going about it the wrong way but nothing else has worked. I would love counseling but without the funds or cooperation I can't.

Why is it you seem so angry?

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013

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The bills I pay are all in my name. He does pay the electric, rent, utilities and of course anything he wants for himself but that's it and the utilities do get shut off because he simply doesn't pay it sometimes. Every month the cable is shut off and he waits until the day of shutoff for electric. Why, I have no idea, the money is there in his account. All I've been asking for is just some money to pay for the kids hair, food, shoes for our toddler or help with their cheer bills.

He refuse to got to any kind of counseling. I don't consistently go to a therapist I was only there for my anxiety med check. I cannot afford to see a therapist on a regular basis as I am responsible for all our medical bills and my oldest and youngest daughters both have medical issues. I have to keep up with their bills or they won't receive care. We don't qualify for assistance because he makes too much $$. He has a separate health insurance that would cover couples counseling but I'm not on his plan and he refuses to.

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013

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He treats me as if I were one of the kids. This is just a thought, I have not been doing this, he sleeps on the couch every night. He snores extremely bad and he says he doesn't want me to wake him up asking him to turn over so he refuses to sleep in the bed. We had sex a total of two times last year and not at all this year yet. I have to ask for everything and he usually says no or lately I get "what are you going to do for me". Yes this is not what a marriage is but I'm not prepared to go anywhere so I'm trying to make the best of it. I guess I just figure that maybe if I play his way for awhile, since he is withholding things from me, that he will start providing me with what I need and that having sex more often will bring us closer. I know its a stupid game and trust me I hate games but I'm thinking if I play along with him for awhile maybe he will be more cooperative. I just don't know what else to do anymore.

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2013

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Fine, you want a suggestion? Find a different therapist. No therapist worth anything would recommend playing these games in a marriage. And stop paying the bills if you have no money for them. I'm sure your husband will sit up and listen when suddenly his phone is cut off, or the electricity goes out. You are like a couple of children, not a team. Good luck.

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013

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It would be more productive to offer suggestions rather than firing off judgmental comments don't you think? He refuses to go to any kind of counseling and I'm not just going to walk out the door but at the same time I have bills to pay and he refuses to help. It's my husband so I'd hardly call it prostitution. He wants to make a game of it, it seems more to like a compromise. Women withhold all sorts of things from their men all the time when they are mad, like attention, conversation, sex, the bed etc. Now if I had said I was going to refuse do his laundry unless he starts helping out financially a little more, would you think the same? Then you probably ask me if I consider myself a maid, haha. Simply because it involves sex you immediately jump to prostitution.

This entire thing seems to be his idea, why not play along and help us both out? I just received this from him in my email "I'll pay if you play". I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage here. Do I like the fact that getting anything out of him be it money or help with the house/kids is attached to some sort of condition, no, but apparently if I don't "play" I'm SOL.

Evelyn - posted on 01/25/2013

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It almost sounds like two kids both wanting their way and saying I will give you this for that and then both do not follow through. You do not sound like adults at all in a marriage. Did you understand what marriage is when you got married?

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2013

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I don't know, do you consider yourself a prostitute, because that's what you are making yourself.

And no, a therapist wouldn't recommend ANY leverage. Sex or otherwise. Your therapist is a fake. Tit for tat does not make a good relationship. A real therapist wouldn't recommend that as a way of resolving your issues.

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013

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This morning I asked for $$, he said "cash on doggy style". What would you make of comments like these?

Starr - posted on 01/25/2013

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Hahaha.....the therapist used the word leverage not relating to sex, but it got me thinking, LOL. My husband withholds a hell of a lot more from me than just money to get his way, so why not use what I've got? It's the only thing that may work, every time I ask for money he always comes back with what I'm going to do for him so I say forget it. He wants something in return for his money so why not give it to him? Only issue is that he will say he'll give me money for something and then find another reason to withhold it.

Jodi - posted on 01/25/2013

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Your therapist recommended using leverage? Really? What sort of therapist does that? Any decent therapist would NEVER recommend you use a form of blackmail (yeah, give it a name like leverage if you want, it is just a wolf dressed up inn sheep's clothing) because it is not how a marriage is supposed to work. Ever. It is also never recommended that you withhold sex in order to get your own way. That's just not okay and it is not healthy for your relationship.

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