Husband feels like he's only in our marraige for our 8 month old daughter

Alisha - posted on 12/26/2012 ( 79 moms have responded )

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My husband mentioned the other day that he currently feels like he is only in our marriage because of our 8 month old daughter. We have had our share of ups and downs. Married for almost 4 years, together for 6 years. He works 2 full time jobs and I work 1 full time job. We hardly see each other other than when hes crawling into bed at 2 in the morning from his second job and when I take him dinner every night. The nights that he has off hes either sleeping or he goes out with friends. He says that he still loves me and is still in love me. But he gets bored and annoyed with things that I do. But that its normal and marriage becomes this. He is a great father to our daughter, when hes not beyond exhausted. He says that he doesn't care about what I do anymore, that I'm not as important, that our daughter is his first and main priority. What do I do at this point? Is there saving us? I feel like I have tried everything.

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D Anthony - posted on 12/26/2012

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I won't pretend to know the answer to this, or any question for that matter but I can offer an idea or two.... My wife and I have a 14 month old Peanut and our lives have drastically changed since her arrival and, though we were warned that this would happen, nobody could have explained to us just how profound that chang would be. We are both still tired all of the time.

My suggestion is that you gently recommend that you would like to see him more and ask that he stick around maybe a night or two more than he currently does. If you can make him think the idea is his that would be even better (some of you ladies are great at this and whether we know it or not, some of us guys appreciate feeling like we have some control). Have something planned (order out, steak, guy flick, game night, maybe have some friends over if the folks or inlaws are comfortable watching the peanut for a little while). The important thing is to have some fun. And, don't be dissapointed if the things you used to do don't "engage" you two like they once did. Many, many things have changed and you just have to find new fun things to do together.

This is a high hurdle to clear, I'm currently trying to do the same thing with my wife of 6 years. I am not without blame for the lack of interest in the relationship that created the best thing we have ever done. However, I have realized that you can't neglect the person that helped create your kiddo. It is a scarry time and it is a wonderful time, don't be afraid of change and do the best that you can. I know you will and that you will come out of this better than you two were when you started this adventure.

Amy - posted on 12/27/2012

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I would disagree that your daughter should be the most important person in your relationship right now. While your daughter does need a lot of attention to meet her needs because she is so young and will need that attention throughout her childhood, if you do not make your marriage a priority, her overall needs to experience love, acceptance, etc. will not be met because it will not be modeled by her parents.

Have you tried counseling to work through your issues? I believe children are the most happy and healthy when they feel secure in their parents relationship.

Jodi - posted on 12/26/2012

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It sounds to me that working 2 jobs is taking its toll on him. I don't know where you live, but is it really necessary for him to be working this much to support the family? Where I live, 2 full time jobs, even on minimum wage, would support a family, and while it would not be in any fine style, and you would still have to be careful where you spend it, you could certainly get by on that. Personally, I think he should look at dropping the second job, or at the very least, cut back, because 2 full time jobs is too much for any person to sustain on a long term basis, and is bound to take its toll. He is possibly tired and could even be a bit depressed. He has no time to just enjoy life, and as long as the two of you have no time together as a couple, your marriage is not going to get better. It is really important for you to nurture a connection together as a couple, and you don't seem to be getting this.

So basically, if it were me, I'd be setting a goal, as a couple, to get rid of that second job. I'd also consider talking to a counsellor together about reconnecting with one another as husband and wife, not just parents. It is important to nurture your own relationship too, and this doesn't necessarily just "happen". A long term relationship is hard work, and there are times you actually have to make a real effort to ensure you are nurturing it appropriately, and at the moment, it seems that neither of you are.

Olivia - posted on 12/29/2012

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I agree with what was already said. We are made to feel horrible if our children are not the most important thing. Reality is, that children thrive more when parents put their relationship first. Kids who are the center of their parents' life and most important, tend to be self-centered and bratty. I don't think a date is going to change things that quickly. It seems to be more deep-rooted than that. He is most likely is resentful. Resentful of your relationship with your child, of him working 2 jobs, of whatever.....I would think you need to talk through things with a counselor or pastor perhaps? We've all been through rough patches. It's is so hard after having kids because they do tend to consume us. Good luck to you.

Cyndi - posted on 12/30/2012

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First, I'd pray for guidance. Only God can change men's hearts. Next, I'd try to remember what he saw in you in the first place, and try to do some of those things again to rekindle the flame. I'd also develop my own interests and take care of my own emotional needs so you won't appear so "needy" in his eyes. It also helps because if your marriage doesn't last, you're more ready to handle you're own life. I've heard it said that a marriage is like a rubber band, if you chase him, he'll get uncomfortable and run from you, but if you move away from him, he'll chase after you because he doesn't want the rubber band to break. If you haven't already seen it, watch the movie "FireProof" you'll find it really insightful. God bless & hang in there. Some of the most painful moments of your marriage are actually the biggest opportunities for growth. You can grow together or apart, make wise choices.

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Irene - posted on 02/11/2013

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sweetheart i can truely relate to your situation. like you my relationship with husband is in bad shape now. but its a little different situation. don't let what he said stopping you from being a wife to him. start doing again the things that you used to do before that he finds amazing about you. i don't think being super busy will give him a reason not to be a good and romantic husband to you anymore. and please stop saying that you tried everything, because you haven't. there is other ways that you might not paying attention. talk to him, what he really feels and from there you will see whats the reason of him becoming cold or taking you for granted. just to share it with you, a week ago i wanted to leave my husband already, but i been thinking and thinking, and we both our in just beginning stage of our married life. we cannot give up on our family, we should not give up! remember that if you can still do something and you think that your husbands still loves you. fight for him. fight for your love and fight for your family. i hope the next time that i will hear from you again your situation is better than this now. i am also fixing my own problem, but i am facing it and i know i can still fix it. just don't think to much because it will make the situation worst. I will include you to my prayers. God bless you!

Crystal - posted on 02/07/2013

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I did mention the importance of the affects it'll have on a child, by sharing my own situation...

"The difference being I have no intention in staying in our relationship if we cannot make some major changes because our daughter is 2.5 yrs old and by her 3rd b-day she'll start picking up on a lack of compassion towards each other, and that's more damaging than splitting up if it means happier mom and dad over-all. "

Yes, this can have a major impact on a child, I recognize that, I just hope the OP does. Her little girl has some time though being so young. But time goes fast, and these aren't little issues to smooth over.

Better to figure out early whether this relationship will be one worth saving and working on (both parties!!!) or calling a spade a spade and dealing with the details after the initial decision to split.

Helene - posted on 02/07/2013

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I have read and skimmed all of your responses and it seems that no one has mentioned how this is and will affect your daughter. I know way to well how this situation feels and everyday seems to get longer and longer not knowing what to expect on a daily basis.
I give you so much credit to reach out to strangers to get maybe the one idea or suggestion that just might help your situation.....Just remember your daughter can feel and see the tension and that's not a good environment for a baby to live in.....Keep us posted please...I'll say a prayer for you ...Helene

Judy - posted on 02/07/2013

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None of this is okay. Im not sure how he could be a great anything considering hes hardly ever home. The biggest thing to give people you love is your time..plan and simple. Whether you or the kids and he doesnt sound like he gives any of you his time. Not sure what your financial situation is but you will always be 2 ships passing unless he quits one of the jobs and spends more free time at home. You guys should also try counseling before calling quits and find out where you both stand...some changes have to be made for your relationship to improve..if not it will get worse and resentment will build. I wish you luck..please keep us posted.

Fiona - posted on 02/01/2013

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I would be moving on if that was me, as the child is the result of your relationship and not the extent of it.........HELLO! Regards Fiona.....

RichG - posted on 01/30/2013

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from a male point of view he doesnt want to live somewhere that his daughter isnt. He may find that he still cares about you, but how many romantic or spontaneous gestures does he give you. ? When I broke up with my ex she and I spoke like we didnt care abut each other any more, and the more she was negative towards me, the less I loved her. She kept on making comments about if we break up scenerio this is what would happen.

2 jobs and you having a job means no quality time together. I could have save my relationship if we were nicer and complimentary, and spent atleast one night every two weeks together.
I called it quits becuase every time i went to bed sh would start an argument over nothing, and I had enough of it and the threats of breaking up.

Do you still love him? If you left would you feel sad that hes not there or more afraid that you would manage on your own. its not too late t change. if you want to hold on to it say a few complliments aout him, and see what he says? Believe it or not us males still need to feel that going to work and earning the money is appreciate, its easier than looking after a child granted, but still needs appreciation, especially if hes doing two jobs.

Is he depressed? does he snap? does he recent the time that you are together?
Ask a friend to look after the daughter and both go out even if its for dinner. When was the last time you both did something spontaneous together?

As an example 3 months on when my ex and i had patched things up we were doing alot more sexual things, you know handcuffs, sex outside, sex in the car, nothing weird, but nice to feel young again.She showed me how to get her going! yes after 8 years I started to find this out.

but we started to talk alot more nicer as well, so this is the key.

Crystal - posted on 01/28/2013

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It seem like many of these women are leaning towards you putting in more effort.

Yes he's working 2 jobs, but that doesn't mean you're not. Working a FT job and being a FT mom, we should all agree is super tough.

If he has time to see friends on time off, even if it's only a little, because he's admitted you're no longer a priority (in your words 'not as important, he doesn't care what I do') he should be sacrificing what little free time he has for your relationship.

It's obviously a little rocky right now.

If he can cut 1 job that may be a step in the right direction. Or yours, whichever is the least contributing income! Make other sacrifices where you can to lessen any financial burdens and work on spending time together.

I personally do not agree with playing up the ideal trophy wife/housewife role, getting all done up and drowning yourself in perfume. Also, I don't think 'sex' is the answer either. But that's just me.

We shouldn't use our sex appeal as 'tools' in a marriage unless the major issue is 'boredom' in the bedroom. That's when a make over and lingerie would be tactful.

It sounds as though his major issue is you. Not to sound blunt, I seriously do not want you to feel down about this, anymore than I'm sure you already do. But if that is his issue, it's HIS issue and he needs to make some changes himself.

There are 2 of you in this marriage. Him working 2 jobs does not give him a freepass in regards to working to maintain your relationship 1, and a father 2.

Princess - posted on 01/28/2013

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Well! I think you must give him some time everyday. go our together share your feelings, and do everything watever he likes. he will surely tell u one day that u r the right choice for me and we will always be together. All the best and be a happy family!

Maria - posted on 01/27/2013

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I think your husband should love your daughter AND you, if he doesn't love you you should NOT be married, if he doesn't love your daughter it AIN'T a good husband. Your family should have love all around it love,love,love. Why don't you try some family activities? It's good 4 the WHOLE family! But your daughter SHOULD be the most important, but that does NOT mean you are NOT important! Ur husband 2 give u guys EQUAL love.

Glixia - posted on 01/25/2013

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He sounds like he is basically there because of the child only which is sad. P>S+ The child will forever be his child. He should be trying to work on his marriage. I advise you to try to work with him, try to change the routine.( U said you tried everything , I am sorry). If he dislike your voice or say _what? in a annoying tone of voice, he is practicaly tolerating you . It used to happen to me. Get a hobby, make some new friends, lose some weight, regain confidence. He is too confortable you will be there when you get home. IF he thought otherwise he would be willing to cope with you a bit more.
Feel free to contact me if you need to talk.

Crystal - posted on 01/21/2013

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Perhaps 1 job could go.

Perhaps he can sacrifice 1 night of going out with friends and have a date night with his wife.

Perhaps you two could look into marriage counseling to ensure it isn't something deeper. Making a comment that he's only in the marriage because of your baby girl is not a healthy realization unfortunately. Whether he says he still loves you or not. It's never a 'good' thing to remain married because of the children when the relationship is lacking. Children pick up on the lack of "love" or general compassion and learn from mom and dad as to what a healthy relationship looks like.

I've been with my SO for 13 years and we certainly have had our problems. I'm currently seeing a psychologist to deal with some personal issues. My SO has come in on a few occasions and added to the discussion to help with some tools I can use. I feel similar to how you describe your husband feeling. The difference being I have no intention in staying in our relationship if we cannot make some major changes because our daughter is 2.5 yrs old and by her 3rd b-day she'll start picking up on a lack of compassion towards each other, and that's more damaging than splitting up if it means happier mom and dad over-all.

That said, my Dr. has suggested putting aside a little time to do whatever it is we used to do together before having our daughter.

We all need to maintain our separate identities, but we also need to stay connected as a couple, not just parents. Easier said than done in a lot of situations, but if he has time to see friends from time to time, you both have time for a date night.

Secure a babysitter, whether it's a friend or family member and get out together and enjoy each others company!

Asasira - posted on 01/20/2013

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iam also in the same situation.what iam asking you is to be patient because of your Girl. i wish u well dear

Rachel - posted on 01/16/2013

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Alisha- I'm going to agree with many others and recommend you downsize your life until one or two jobs is adequate. Your story is very common, but it doesn't have to be. Of course there is saving you. Baby makes three is very stressful, but toss in three jobs and no time to just be a couple, and no wonder you both feel like this. You have a long life ahead of you to work. You only get a very short time to be with your babies. And you want to build a forever marriage with your spouse. The job can wait.

April - posted on 01/16/2013

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When a child enters the relationship, everyone's status changes. Hubby becomes a side show instead of the main event. He needs to know he still matters most in your heart (which it sounds like he does). Tell him how much you appreciate his hard work. Pay attention to his little cues. when is he most needy? Make your time available to him at that point. Even if it means your daughter must learn to entertain herself for a bit. As mom's we are pretty handy at arranging a child's schedule. Look for adjustments you can make that focus on him. I learned how to respect and love my husband much more than I did when we married 12 years ago by reading many books. My favorite was "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl. Her ideas are a bit on the drastic side at times but there is so much truth in what she teaches. We also have gone away for a weekend to remember with the couple2couple league. It helped us reconnect. I wish you the best. Hang in there!

SENDEGE - posted on 01/13/2013

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your only child you consider first priority will not feel loved and secure if you two disagree on the most important issue-Love- put your marriage first and she will benefit from the good fruits of your marriage. Communicate- ask you husband what causes boredom when he keeps around after knowing that, try to change for the sake of your marriage and daughter however hard it may be. You can also have some one be with your girl some one like an in law so that you create time for your selves. If he says that he loves you, He will be their for the both of you to talk. Remember the word Sorry and when you mean it, even when He is wrong! Remind him of how you love him, think about him (text messages can work here) and organise surprise outings all in the name of creating time for your selves. Cleanliness, Always be clean wear a good perfume and make your self attractive trust me he will stay around and, make sure you have sex, sex is a strong weapon to solve such problems it bonds you together again each time you have it. lastly put schedule where you have to pray together, no one will have the courage of facing God before settling an argument meaning settling arguments will come first and then pray. Success.

Linda - posted on 01/10/2013

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3 full time jobs between the two of you and an 8 month old baby is a lot to handle. I'm sure money is tight... but perhaps there is a way to eliminate 1 of those jobs? Are you paying for daycare? and if so, Is your job worth the cost of daycare? Is there family to help out? Consider if this is a temporary situation. If not, ask whether this life style is sustainable. It will be cheaper in the long run if you and your husband can work together towards resolution. Perhaps you can work in your home providing childcare for other moms in need.

I think what you are going through is normal. You are probably both tired and lack of sleep never brings out the best in anyone. Give him space. Have friends over - if he sees you having fun he will want to be part of it. Stay positive and literally count your blessings. If you feel the need to express your feelings, write a letter. Save it and re-read it AFTER you are well rested. If you still agree with what you have written, give it to him to read on his time. Life does get easier as the children get older. We have experienced it, and I have seen so many of my friends with young children go through rough patches. Hang in there and it will get better!

Leslie - posted on 01/10/2013

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Somethings gotta give. He works two jobs and you work one. Who pays atyention to your children? Who pays attention to you. And who gives your husband attention? It sounds like its time to make a sacrifice. Give up a job, downsize, and sell material items that don't contribute to the entire family. If you have two cars, sell one. If your mortgage is too much downsize. Of course thats if you really want it to work. You have consumed all of your time with working.

Dawn - posted on 01/09/2013

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Nina, Dear,
In the first four years of our marriage the sex was great and problems minimal. But when a man is exhausted and/or depressed he might not even be interested in sex -at which your advice will simply cause more tension.
My husband went through that. He wasn't responding to my advances and I had no idea why he constantly rejected me. He just couldn't leave his feelings of failure in other areas out of the bedroom. He needed me to love him and be there in tender ways that didn't involve sex.
I will not disagree. Sex is TERRIBLY IMPORTANT! But it is not the solve-all for every problem. But I have really truly been where she is at. And she is going to have to do more than offer her body as a combo platter! :)
I am, however, glad your marriage is so spicy and pleasurable! :) It makes all the other stuff seem so insignificant! It is difficult to disagree when you are having so much fun together!

Brigette - posted on 01/09/2013

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Can you cut back at all financially so, he doesn't have to work so much???
Also if you aren't having sex... that is a big thing. If you want to regain a connection with him, sex is an important part of that. If you feel like you can, considering your situation.
And if you pray, that always helps me.

Rene - posted on 01/08/2013

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Find a group of friends who have children the same age and start to socialise as a family unit. Cut back on spending a keep your body, hair and makeup nice. Your husband may jusy be letting you know whatever happens he is the protector of your little girl and to him she is no 1. Cook for him as you do as they way to a mans heart is through hi stomach and always confess to loving him no matter what! If I were you I would give him a big kiss and be so proud of the love his has for your daughter!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/08/2013

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~~MOD WARNING~~

PLEASE refrain from in thread bickering, and personal attacks. I have already needed to delete posts, and if this continues I will be forced to lock down this thread.


Please review the NO THUMPS regulations that are set in place by our Community Management Team.

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Jodi - posted on 01/08/2013

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OK, ladies, that's enough bickering. Any more and I will lock this thread. Please also don't report a post just because you don't agree with it.

Thank you
Jodi
WtCoM Moderator

Nina - posted on 01/08/2013

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My husband and I have also been married four years and have never faced any problems like this. This answer: sex. Anytime you feel like complaining or nagging, instead do something sexual. Whether its simply kissing him with tongue or getting down on your knees and worshipping his dick. It is how to keep your husband happy and your marriage healthy. Trust me it works wonders. Become a sexual goddess and let him use you to fulfill all his fantasies without judgment. Swallow, bend over backwards, do things you would never normally do and he will fall for you all over again and you will start fresh.

Brenda - posted on 01/08/2013

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No advice....Just trying to take one day at a time. Also, isn't this site just for women? Why did D. Anthony Chester post?

Redbear - posted on 01/08/2013

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Another guy thing is the need to decompress and 'change hats' after a day; guys have 'boxes' and each box needs to mentally and emotionally moved into (their 'game face', 'home face', 'work face').

I'm going to 'out' myself here and risk being banned as a result: when I came home from work it was hard to stop being 'the provider', 'the engineer', 'the overseas contractor' and transition into 'husband', 'dad', 'lover', and the man that my family really needed me to be and it killed my marriage. It wasn't an act of deliberate neglect or emotional abuse; it was an inability to adjust to the role that I needed to be when I got home.

I can only imagine working two jobs really makes that transition even harder because so much of a day is consumed with the roles that it takes to just get put food on the table and, sadly, the path of least resistance is to just not make the transition.

Shannon - posted on 01/08/2013

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In what culture is every child parented by 10 people? Not in America. Right, that's why so many are abused and left alone. Get educated. The husband is complaining and we are trying to give her advice on how to keep this marraige intact. How quickly you seem to want to cause this child more pain with a divorce. Maybe try to be helpful and not hurtful. She doesnt need your nasty comments.

Lopang - posted on 01/08/2013

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Ok Shannon you want a two way conversation? I am not a feminist I am actually a Traditional African Woman but here we believe that respect is a two way street and you cant verbally bash people because its affecting thier self esteem and if the mother is not happy the baby is not happy and the father is not happy. Also raising a child its really hard we dont do it alone everyone helps aunts, grannies from both side. We also have single parents only on paper because every baby -child is parented and cared for by at least 10 people at a given time.

Shannon - posted on 01/08/2013

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I hear ya. But some of these women are young and will actually call them that to their face. I think it, but never say it.

Shannon - posted on 01/08/2013

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Really LOPANG. Your feminist view will only send him further away and alienate the child. REALLT LOPANG>

Lopang - posted on 01/08/2013

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Whats in tact?Shanon where women are disrepected? He doesnt care what she does? Hello what part of that is in tact?

Really SHANON

Redbear - posted on 01/08/2013

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When i said men are 'dumb' it was geared towards the fact that men do *not* get hints and need clear and direct speech without ambiguity. They usually don't perceive shades in conversation. It's a guy thing.

Wanda - posted on 01/08/2013

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Also available at a Christian Bookstore near you is Fireproof your marriage workbook and movie that you can do together when you can! And it could replace "the weekend to remember" if money is an issue! Hope this helps! I will pray for you guys! God Bless!

Wanda - posted on 01/08/2013

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Also I do agree that there needs some spending cut somewhere so your husband doesn't have to work a second job! The "Weekend to Remember". Will have money budgeting info at it and available on line!

Helene - posted on 01/08/2013

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I am no expert believe me but I would like to say a few things if you don't mind, don't know yall's ages but taking care of an 8 month old can be exhausting to everyone and I am so happy to hear he loves her so much. When I went thru this situation I had to realize that we were no longer a couple but a WE now with much more responsibilities that was new to both of us.
Your husband seems like a good guy and he might need a nite out every once in awhile to relieve the pressure of two jobs....can yall make a date night even at home when she's sleeping? Can yall plan a romatic evening together or has that part been dismissed?
I did find out that all the attention going to the new baby wasn't even good for me as I wasn't caring about the romance either....so I made some time and sat down asd asked him point blank...what's going on with you with all of the typical questions of him? I love you very much and am so proud of what we created together, our beautiful baby girl and go from here....Helene

Angela - posted on 01/08/2013

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I understand that your husband is feeling overwhelmed with responsibility here - but he should be making more of an effort to spend time with you. If he can find energy to go out with friends, he could make time for you.

If you don't have a babysitter, then you need to make a "restaurant" in your front room, with sexy food, devote each other only to each other. Children are wonderful but they can't take over your marriage. He seems to be doing this too.

The first year or two after children are born is chaos, trying to get into routine and cope with the lack of sleep/time is horrific, but he has to make the effort too, he needs to make an effort to remember your life pre children and what it could be again (when children are sleeping) if only he'd try.

Zen - posted on 01/08/2013

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www.paxprograms.com You can save your marriage. Your husband is experiencing what most husbands feel after a while not appreciated, admired and desired. He needs you to need him, want him and tell him how great he is. We women get so tired that we forget to do that. Think about being his girlfriend again, looking subtly sexy, taking on new things to learn and expanding your life and having new interests, surprise him, delight each other. Take some PAX classes and learn about how we women often think we are the "better man"...we know better how to do everything and this slowly and surely diminishes our men into impotentancy or adulterers.

Gonzalo - posted on 01/08/2013

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I encourage you to watch 2 movies, do it no matter how ridiculous it sounds now, "fireproof" and "courageous" from the same producers, please watch th to have an idea about what isissing there, if watching them together (you and your husband) good and if watching th by yourself( as well) God bless

Shannon - posted on 01/08/2013

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Although I agree with a lot of what you're saying calling men "dumb" doesnt serve anyone. It's that feminist mentality that causes marriages to break up. Maybe he needs a nudge, but I know plenty of "dumb" women that put their careers before their kids or marriage, think that the more they yell the more their husbands will listen, etc. and it all backfires. If no one is home to keep the house a home, there is no home.

Redbear - posted on 01/08/2013

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Having been down that road and divorced as a result of it, I can tell you what others here consider heresy:

1) Put your spouse and your marriage before kids
3) Put your spouse and your marriage before work
3) Put your spouse and your marriage before you

Note: spouse applies to both sides in this and requires a mutual commitment to follow those rules!

From experience: do something to speak his love language, sit him down for a chat (remember men are 'dumb' and don't take hints so be blunt, kind, and gentle), and tell him your heart. Tell him you want to make the marriage better, and then work together to set time aside for intimacy and set time aside to do something you both like to do together that *isn't* sex.

I spent years on the road separated from my spouse and my kids and that separation broke us as we both let the fires dampen out until there was only charred ashes of a dead marriage left behind. Please, don't let this happen to you both!

-Bear-

Shannon - posted on 01/08/2013

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Plow through and keep going. A divorce is not a good thing for this child and I think you can get through it. Is there ANY way you can reduce your hours so you can handle more at home for him? Sounds like he misses you. I also recommend Dr. Laura's books (available free at your local library). You will get through this, but you both are tired.

Dawn - posted on 01/07/2013

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By the way, I thought I would add that this sounds like he is begging you to put in the effort he can't seem to muster the energy for! If my also-overly-exhausted husband said "I feel like I am only here for our kid, I still love you." I would see that he is so overworked he is numb and can't even FEEL loved or loving! He feels as if all you both do is work for your baby! Time to spice it up and make that effort for him. Remind him why you love him. Put a suggestive note with his dinner when you drop it off, and then come through when he arrives home. Hang in there!

Dawn - posted on 01/07/2013

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Ok, I have truly and honestly been there. And what I found is that sometimes the woman has to woo her husband like he did when they were dating. Do you appreciate all he does? Have you told him? Remember why it is you fell in love or what you appreciate most about him as a person -then tell him.
Make a "10 things I love about you" list and tuck it somewhere he will find it.
Buy his favorite food or make his favorite dessert and pack it for him to take to work.
I know it is so hard when you are working one job and he is working two. You are both exhausted and worn down from trying to make ends meet! But do you best to be kind -even when you are exhausted. Do you think he is sexy? Tell him. Be bold -a vixen! And do what you can to spice up your marriage.
And make that marriage most important. Can you get even one day away? Does he have a day off each week? Kidnap him and go somewhere you used to love.

I like the book "The Five Love Languages."
Once you find out his language the book gives great tips for loving him in a way he understands.
I also like "A New Husband by Friday" by Kevin Leman. Though written from a religious perspective, it is FUNNY and full of great advice.
Also "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I am NOT a fan of Dr Laura. I think she is abrasive and sometimes crude and unkind, but this book is great! I showed it to my husband at B&N and he read one chapter and bought it for me (even though our budget was EXTREMELY tight!)

Those are great resources, but start with a trip down memory lane. Why did you fall in love? Then be vulnerable and TELL him!

Praying for you! Marriage is HARD. If it was easy, then EVERYONE could do it! Fight for it! 30 years from now you'll be glad you did!

Casey - posted on 01/07/2013

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My husband and I have been together since we were 16-going on 11 years now. he is my bestfriend. My husband works 60hrs a week, different shifts. Sometimes he gets up at 5am and gets home at 6pm. Other days he goes to work at 2pm and gets home at 2:30am. I stay home with the kids while he works and go to work when he is home. We don't have much time together. When he is home, most of the time, he is very tired. It can be really hard. I'd like to say that it gets easier, but sometimes it is very lonely. All we do is make the most of the half days that we sometimes get together and make plans to give us something to look forward to. It sounds like you two have some extra time to be able spend together, but he is deciding to spend his time elsewhere. Maybe let him know that you don't want him to pick you all the time over everyone else, but that you would like to at least spend time with him once a week or something that you agree on. It is for the good of your marriage and for your child, that you spend some time together.

Denise - posted on 01/07/2013

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Sorry to put it so bluntly out there , you just need to talk to him about why hes doing the things he is doing and come up with a better solution so you both can be happy

Denise - posted on 01/07/2013

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Im sorry to hear that , I think its fair to say he is cheating on you and in love with someone else , men are pigs ! Hes going to keep you around for his stability cause he wants his cake and eat it to , dead give away is hes out with his friends when he has free time , he has emotionally moved on and you need to focus and work on yourself now and prepare for your future with out him , Ive been in a similiar situation and its the hardest thing you will face in life but its all worth it in the end cause you get yourself back and your happiness , good luck girl :-)

Laura - posted on 01/07/2013

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I'm so sorry! That's really tough to deal with. It sounds like he may be really burnt out with working two fulltime jobs to provide for the family and not getting much out of it because of no time available for the two of you. A lot of dad's feel neglected the first year of their baby's life because moms are so concerned with taking care of the baby and with you already working fulltime you have your hands full too. Is there anyway you two can afford to let him stop working two full-time jobs? He also needs to decide if he wants to be married or not. He may be struggling with the transition of being independent and hanging out with friend's and being a family man. You can't fix the relationship by yourself. I can't tell you what to do. I don't have the answers or know both of you to be able to really offer any insight. These are just the thoughts your statement brought out so I hope they help. Good luck to you and your family : )

Ayesha - posted on 01/07/2013

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Just try to take care of him like your 8 month oldbaby MGM like to taken of just like babies play with him cuddle him dress up for him

Kim - posted on 01/07/2013

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You must always make time for each other, do date nite at least once a month ( more if you can). My husband and I have been thru the ringer since we got together almost 24 years ago (married now almost 19 years) thru my son (from previous marriage) and his drug abuse, jail and prison time, stealing from us. It took us 4 years after we got married and lots of infertility treatments to get pregnant with our daughter which is now almost 14 and she has Aspbergers syndrome and then she was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia and her outlook isn't good. We also have custody of our 10 year old Autistic grandson and we have my invalid Mom living with us that is completely bed ridden do to pain and Parkinson's disease. Yes, I'm serious this is all going on except that my son is now clean and sober and doing great. Through all of this we keep our faith and we make sure that we make time for each other. Even if that means we go to the grocery store together without any kids, sitting in our room and enjoying the quiet just so we can talk. It doesn't matter what you do together - what matters is your together without any kids. You mentioned he goes out with his friends - are they married? If so, why don't you set up a double date with his friend and his wife. If you find a couple to hang out with then maybe you can do game nite with them, sometimes at their place and sometimes at your place. We did that tonight, we had 2 other couples come over for dinner and we played a card game together. It's what keeps us going. We had a great time. The commoradery between us is great, the game didn't even matter that much. Sorry to ramble but Marriage is a 24/7 never ending job that is the most rewarding job you will ever have. Good luck,
Kim S

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