Husband getting lazy?

Kristina - posted on 08/30/2011 ( 24 moms have responded )

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Is it just me or am I the only one whose husband got lazier after getting married? Putting things off till I have to start yelling for them to get done, or not helping as much with the kids? Its like Call of Duty is more important than helping out his wife...Gah...

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Jodi - posted on 08/30/2011

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I'll be honest, my husband is very good around the house, and will sometimes take initiative when it suits him, but he never complains when I ASK for help.

I have found I need to ask for him to help with things because there are aspects of it that he simply doesn't think to do. Seriously, he'll sit on his arse watching TV while I am juggling running a bath for the kids, cooking dinner and timing it so it won't burn, as well as doing dishes as I go, and finding school uniforms for the next day. I never occurs to him I could use his help. So I ask.

I used to get pissed off that I even had to ask, but I don't now. He is more than happy to help, never grumbles or complains about it, but often just doesn't think about it before he is asked. I realise it's just that he doesn't see all the things that need to be done at once like I do, not because he is lazy.

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My husband and I used to fight a lot about video games. They really were taking away a lot of family time. We agreed that before he plays games he needs to do something "useful" It doesn't have to be a big thing, vacuuming the house, taking the kids to the park, mowing the lawn. etc. just so I don't feel in this alone. Also he doesn’t play games while the kids are up. They go to bed before 9:00 pm and so he usually plays a game for an hour or two after that. Make an agreement that works for the both of you, make sure you both agree. My husbands game of choice is World of Warcraft which requires a monthly subscription so it’s pretty easy to play for a month and then have some time off to keep things real.

Women have things that we like to do in our down time and men need that space for themselves and time out of reality also. It has taken me many years to understand this, but now things are better since we’ve come to a compromise that works for us both. Also an interesting fact, playing video games releases adrenaline that is similar to the type that is released while looking at porn, so be glad that he’s addicted to video games instead of porn, or if he has a porn problem maybe try and steer him over to video games more.

The biggest mistake women make is being naggy. Be sweet and happy to see him when he comes home. If he sits down to relax give him 10 or 15 minutes and then say "Hey babe, could you help me with .....?" Most women think that their husband should "perceive" that you need help. Yeah right, that's not gonna happen. But most of the time they are happy to help when asked sweetly and then get a kiss and a thank you after.

I can’t stress this enough. Be NICE when you ask him for help, THANK him after. Give him a kiss. If he gets distracted remind nicely. “I’m not nagging, I’m reminding you.” Smile, kiss, slap his butt whatever works. Also don’t complain if he does something differently then you. Yea he loaded the dishwasher completely wrong, but you didn’t have to do it so be happy. You could say something like “Thanks for putting away the laundry babe. But just so you know we usually put the pajamas in this drawer.” Use flattery to your advantage. “Hey babe I need your muscles, this box is really heavy.” And then whistle at him and wink. If you think everything he does is sexy he will do more for you I promise.

If all else fails put on a lacy nightie and go sit on his lap while he plays his game. It probably won’t last long. Good luck! You can learn from all of us that have had the same problem so you don’t have to figure it out on your own :-)

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2011

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JuLeah, you are right. *Help* is probably the wrong word. However, the biggest reason my husband asks if he can *help* or I am asking for his *help* is because he has just walked in from work and doesn't always know where things are at, so he sees ME as the manager of the house at that point. He would rather know where he is needed right NOW than just try to take a guess at what he should be doing.

Kami - posted on 08/31/2011

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Nope, mine has too. After 8 yrs, I finally blew up and told him how I felt, turns out he was waiting for me to TELL HIM what needs to be done. I think they start sharing our brain and not using their own after marriage. So just like the kids, I either give him a list or ask him to do thing with a time frame too! good luck!

Sarah - posted on 08/31/2011

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Ure not the only one to experience this. Unfortunately us women get so used to dealing with so many things at once that men think we can cope like that all the time.
When, really we all would love a wknd off from chores and our gallant strong blokes to take over.

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Alexandra - posted on 09/01/2011

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i think asking is the best approach. soooooooooo many times i assume my hubby knows what i want and he has no clue! what i dont like is when he says he is babysitting! it's his kids too! I get quite furious with this, haha.

Stifler's - posted on 09/01/2011

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bahaha last night i walked off and was like... i'm going to the shops to get nappies... see yabye... the kids better be in bed when i get back. they were.

Sharonica - posted on 09/01/2011

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TThis is exactly why there are no video games in my house. As if men needed another outlet, or shall I say excuse to put more of the 'housework' on the woman. If you feel someone is not working with you, they are working against you. There is no gray area. As for men not being able to multitask, I agree to a certain extent. The laundry has to be done. The children have to be fed, bathed, made do their homework, and so on. You don't have to do everything all at one time though. Furthermore, if you have expressed your true feelings and he has made no progress to take a little weight off your shoulders, then he really doesn't care that you're overwelmed. You are only human. If you crash and burn who will 'take over'? Your mom? You didn't get those children alome. Therefore you shouldn't have to do everything alone. You know, you should just leave him one day without the children. Wait til he gets home and make up some excuse like, I need some fresh air. I can't take much more of this. Go get your nails done, take your laptop to the coffee shop, then go to a wine tasting. Leave the house a mess and all. lol Do NOT answer that phone! Guess we'll if he sinks or swims.

Amanda - posted on 08/31/2011

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Read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman!!!! Don't start the yelling thing, that only leads downhill. Talk about "I feel" rather than "you should". Chances are he's struggling with the family dynamics / relationships / feeling neglected and his laziness is just the symptom, not the cause. (Speaking from my experience and what we've learnt at relationship counselling :) Work with him, not against him... xo

Amy - posted on 08/31/2011

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I'm with JuLeah; he's a coparent not one of the kids. I'm going to answer this because it's exactly why I haven't visited a mom blog in months. How supermom am I supposed to be? I work two jobs, take care of the kids full time and after not getting a break in months I'm supposed to smile and kiss him hello when he gets home from golfing? Sorry, no dice. Nobody seems to remember that I'm human, too. Not superhuman, just human. He wanted kids, too, and if he changed his mind he can cough up child support and plenty of it.

Kristina - posted on 08/31/2011

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@ Jodi Adams - I totally agree if my husband is sick its like hes dying. He sits in bed and moans and groans and complains about everything that could possibley go wrong with the human body. When men are sick its like God made them paralized or something. They cant get outta bed to even get the poweraid that fell off the side table. But Ive been horribly sick with "all day sickness" and throwing up in the bathroom and all he can say to me is "What do you want me to do about it?" Doesnt even offer water or to hold my hair! lol

Kami - posted on 08/31/2011

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I totally get that frustration! I have been told to explain it all to them. "it would really help me out if you could do this now" with being polite and sincere. That is hard when I am steaming by this time....then I end up praising like he were a child.....

Kristina - posted on 08/31/2011

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Its not that I am not asking for help I am. Its just he doesnt want to do it. He puts it off and puts it off. Like the trash can be overflowing and Ill ask him nicely to take it out. And his reply is always "Not right now" or "Ill do it tomorrow before work" so I just give up. So the house ends up stinking and I wake up in the morning to find that the trash is still there. I do everything around our house, clean, cook, bath time, almost all the diapers, everything. The only room he has to do is the kitchen and we live in an apartment so its not very big. And most of the time all he has to do is put the dishes in the dishwasher. Youd think it would be simple but I guess with him its not. And with me being pregnant its hard to do everything by myself. Especially since I am sick 24/7 and throwing up all the time.

JuLeah - posted on 08/31/2011

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My sister laughs about this Sarah. Men can't multi task. She would come home from work, dishes stacked up from dinner all over the kitchen, kids still up, living room a mess ... she'd ask her husband who would say, "I am doing landuary"

And she would ask, "You need to stand and watch it spin?"

No, but he really can't seem to deal with more then one thing at a time ... if she was not there in the morning and he was left to get the kids off to school, one child would have all they needed, the other three, well, ... maybe not.

It used to drive her nuts. They are beyond that now, as I said, but, I understand this is a feature in men; they don't multi task

Elsie - posted on 08/31/2011

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HAHAHA, I agree with Jodi A. My guy is exactly the same way. Unfortunately I don't think it's ever going to change but if all I have to do is ask then it's not worth getting worked up over. Had to learn that the hard way too before I blew a gasket!

Don't get me wrong. He does a lot of work out of the house. ie. mowing the lawn, tinkering with the vehicles etc. But it would be nice if he would come in and be with the kids more so I can get more done in the house.

Take care and try not to let it get to you (hard I know). Take a break one day when he's home and just go out for a while. He MIGHT (maybe) appreciate what you do more...for a little while at least.

Stifler's - posted on 08/30/2011

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Yeah that's why i view it as help. Because he has no freaking idea why I want the dishes done before 7 and couldn't care less if it's done or not or whether the thing sin the dishwasher are dirty or clean or whether the kids have had a bath or when Renae's last bottle was.

JuLeah - posted on 08/30/2011

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helping with the kids? He is a co-parent. He doesn't help, he raises his kids.



Yes, well, I have heard many women talk about how their men change after the wedding. They all mention the word lazy.



I am not sure you ever have to start yelling, that is always a choice.



My sister figure out that if he didn't participate, he didn't get any benifit ... doesn't 'help' with dinner, doesn't eat.



Doesn't 'help' with laundry, doesn't have clean clothes



Husbands don't help, they do their share ... we need to raise our kids to understand this.



My sister simply left one Saturday to spend the day with friends, tired of each weekend alone with the kids for over a month.



He was home with the kids and got to be dad ...



She did stuff like this, and really, he is a co-parent now; does his share of cooking, cleaning, transportation ....



And, I do know men who do more then their share, above and beyond. ... course there are men who are single parents even if they have a wife/partner ... but that is not your question

Stifler's - posted on 08/30/2011

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Yeah Damian never refuses to help I just get so annoyed that he can't see that I am trying to get the kids in bed plus do the dishes so I won't be up all night and he's like "are you ready for me to press play on teen wolf?" it's like NO!

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2011

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Unless he is sick, and then we all have to just treat him as if he is dying.

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2011

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Ah, see, I USED to get pissed off with it, but I kind of get it now. Let's just say that second marriage later, as well as the extra 20 years have taught me that it's pointless getting pissed off about it. If he COMPLAINED when I asked him to help, I think I'd throw things at him, but he doesn't. Getting pissed off is pointless.



But after all this time, I now have him trained - he now usually comes and ASKS if I need some help before he even sits down!!!

Stifler's - posted on 08/30/2011

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It still pisses me off that I have to ask hahaha but we haven't even been married a year.

Stifler's - posted on 08/30/2011

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Not just you. I have to demand that Damian do this and that instead of him just taking it upon himself if I haven't stipulated that he does this and I do that. It drives me mad.

Tamara - posted on 08/30/2011

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I think may guys have in their head that house work and taking care of the kids is womens work, I would sit down and explain that no this is Our family and we both need to put effort in, You are not his mother and do not need to take care of him.

Katherine - posted on 08/30/2011

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I have heard soo many women say this. Yes, they expect you to do everything. What's up with Call of Duty anyways? Take it away lol.

No really tell him he needs to start helping. You married for 100%, 100% nothing more nothing less.
People always say 50/50 but it's not it's 100. Each person should give 100%.
Maybe you need to make a chart, his duties your duties.

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