Husband is ALWAYS tired

[deleted account] ( 51 moms have responded )

My husband is great he works and I am a stay at home mom. We have two boys...my problem is he almost immediately falls asleep after work. He eats dinner and then falls asleep (he is 28, i'm 23). He also has a very low sex drive. We are going to the doctor about it in two weeks. He is overweight but has been a big guy our entire relationship so its nothing new. He tells me he believes he has a medical problem but I feel he is just bored of me. He says it hurts his feelings that I think that. I don't know what to do it lowers my self esteem. I quit initiating sex because he turns me down so often I just couldn't take it anymore and bought a vibrator. What I really want is to be intimate with my husband again. I'm so sad. For example today he got off work at noon drove to my uncles house and spent the entire afternoon drinking beer with the guys... he got home asked what was for dinner and fell asleep @6pm! HE WAS FALLING ASLEEP IN HIS FOOD! I am so sick of this but I don't want to get mad if it is truly medical but its hard not to take it personally. He says he is tired all the time and says it has nothing to do with me and he loves me more than anything. Anyone else dealing with this?

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Rita - posted on 06/25/2012

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Sounds like my husband, who has ADHD/SCT, seasonal affective disorder, and sleep apnea. Meds and a CPAP helped a lot. But he also has some immaturity issues in my mind. I don't know if it's truly immaturity or just really bad coping skills, but he can make some really dumb decisions. Your husband should go see a doctor, but he should be helping himself. Don't do it for him. Divorce isn't an option for me, but I'm not putting up with his crap. If I were you, I'd stop making his food. He's a big boy; he can scrounge around for it himself.

Chantal - posted on 01/09/2012

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I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. I think it's a man thing to shut down emotionally and physically when they are stressed. My husband does this sometimes when he's stressed or depressed and will be like that for months. He has no interest in sex or having anything to do with me. He just shuts down. We used to have some crazy fights over it. And there was actually one time where I considered leaving.

I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with him medically. Of course, that should be ruled out first. Falling asleep at the dinner table is not normal by any means. If there is nothing wrong with him physically, I would suggest counselling, whether it's on his own or as a couple.

Kadambari - posted on 06/26/2012

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Being tired all the time could be an indication of a serious underlying problem. He needs to see a physician. It could be a hormonal problem (low testosterone which also leads to lowered sex drive). It could also be a result of general inflammation in the body or anemia. Once medical reasons are ruled out, you should look at lifestyle and diet. A diet high in carbohydrates can make you very tired. I know this from personal experience. Once I decreased my level of carbohydrates, I automatically felt a lot more energetic. I would reccomend you read some of Dr Andrew Wiel's articles on diet. He has a very popular blog. I also just put together these videos for another mom with similar issues so I am sharing it with you as well- http://www.mystreamup.com/ln/streams/448... . I hope things get better soon.

Kathryn - posted on 01/11/2012

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Oh my goodness, you just described my marriage :-(. it truly does suck! My husband found out he had low testosterone, very low. There are prescription mess for this that are supposed to help. Tiredness is a symptom of low T as well as depression and most importantly to us, no sex drive or apparent interest in us. If you know already that erections haven't been the greatest, I'm willing to bet he has low T. It is important for you to come to terms with the fact that it is NOT you're fault! My husband told me for a couple years he thought it was a medical problem before he get checked. At 28, you're husband is brave to go to the doctor,take that as a sign of his love or you, cause telling someone he has no interest in sex is a very difficult thing for a man o do. Hope you get some resolution, and btw, good call on the vibrator !

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/11/2012

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Wow what a range of answers! I can't believe that some of you turned one drinking example into "he's an alcoholic, and he's having an affair!"

Ashley, STOP thinking that it is you, until you've had him in to his appointment, and gotten results back from the tests! Good grief! You are both young, and if your husband feels that something is medically wrong, then it needs to be checked.

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Audrey - posted on 01/18/2012

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My sister also struggled with this with her husband. It turned out he had sleep apnea and depression and a heart problem. So he got help for all three and is better.

Jennifer - posted on 01/14/2012

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ya he is just over tired with work and trying to find a way to release his work day..with out having to come home to tell u all the problem at work he keeps them in..and drinks them away...my husband gets that way to...but my husband works all night...11:30 at night till 7:45 in the morning...my husband gets that way to..but we do go with out doing it for a while..because he is just so tired....that sometimes we fore get how long it has been..but I know that it helps alot...if u can get some one to watch the kids for u..so when he comes home the house is to ya'll self's...and before he gets home slip in to something to get him in to the mood..you must have something to slip in to..and when he gets home..treat it like nothing and bring him his dinner in the thing u fine to slip in to...and see what happens after that...my husband like it if I wear nothing but panty holes...or a nice teddy should do the trick...but ya something like that should work...ok...good nite

Kelsey - posted on 01/12/2012

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He could have diabetes. If he is over-weight and doesn't have a very healthy diet it could all contribute to being tired. My dad has diabetes and when his diet is off he sleeps all the time. He also had sleep apnea that was so severe that they removed his uvula to help him breath properly at night so he could have an actually restful sleep.

Katherine - posted on 01/12/2012

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Sleep apnea it sounds like. My ex had it. My mom has it. They both needed CPAP's for sleeping.

Barbara - posted on 01/12/2012

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I have discovered a company that has amazing vitamins and nutritional products that honestly give you more energy within a few days of taking them. They have a patent pending formulation that, unlike any other vitamins, actually allows the vitamins to be absorbed by the body. I know they would help your husband, regardless of what else might be going on. If you'd like more info, message me and I will fill you in. In the meantime, I agree with others that contacting a Dr is a good idea! I wish you good luck and hope to hear from you.

Jaret - posted on 01/11/2012

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I have a product that can truly help with low energy issues (and there are even some libido-boosting side effects). Its all-natural (no ephedrine or caffeine, etc) and thousands of people have had great results with it. We offer a 30-day money back guarantee so you truly have nothing to lose... BUT the big question is: Does HE think that falling asleep at 6pm each evening is unusual? Obviously if he doesn't think its a problem then there is little chance he'll be willing to try something that can help him. I read many of the other responses and I agree with them as well: could be depression, could be his weight, could be his thyroid, could be that he's struggling with his sexual orientation. I knew a guy who was secretly shooting heroin and he ALWAYS had a sleepy look in his eye (would literally close his eyes while sitting at a meal). So it could be many things. But what you really have to find out is if HE'S willing to look into what the problem is. If so, you can go from there. Being a "big guy" (as you put it) can also adversely effect your health so he may want to look into doing a nutritional cleanse (NOT a "poopy" cleanse but a toxin cleanse). I actually just finished a 9-day Cleanse yesterday and I literally feel like a million bucks. So contact me if you think he (or yourself) would be interested in a cleanse or even just the specific product I mentioned above which boosts energy (its just a super-nutritient vitamin drink that he'd take one shot in the AM and shot in the PM). Very simple. Good luck.
Contact me for more information.

Sarah - posted on 01/11/2012

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I would be concerned about a common problem called sleep apnea. It is especially common with people who are overweight. Essentially sleep apnea is a condition where the person stops breathing while they are asleep when their airway occludes (closes off) once they become fully relaxed. This causes them to wake up sometimes hundreds of times a night. These frequent night wakenings cause people to become excessively tired throughout the day. Most people with sleep apnea also snore very loudly. It can be diagnosed by a simple test (they put a small oximeter - a machine that reads the oxygen content in the blood - on the finger overnight, then read the results in the morning). If the person does have sleep apnea, they usually recommend a CPAP machine, it fits over the nose and forces air into their body at intervals over the night. Other factors that can lead to your concerns could be diabetes, thyroid, depression, and alcoholism. Good luck with finding the answers to your questions, I hope it all works out for you.

Tristen - posted on 01/11/2012

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Sounds like he has Adrenaline Defficiency Syndrome. My husband got it about 5 years ago, it flares up every once in a while depending on his work stress and caffiene consumption.

Chrissy - posted on 01/11/2012

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Get him checked for diabetes. That is what it sounds like to me. My husband is insulin dependent and has the same problem. We both work 2 jobs each and have 4 children and a grandchild between us so we are always busy so I understand the frustration of him always wanting to sleep. My husband does the same thing. The most important thing for him to do is to make the effort to do something when you need him to. My husband would rather be sleeping but if I ask him to do something or if I have to go to work he will still step up. I also understand the difficulty in believing that the problem is not you. I still struggle with it on some days even though I know it is a medical issue. Keep an eye on that it may be a sign that you are burning out some and may need to check your health as well as your mind can play tricks on you ignore your well being.

Shannon - posted on 01/10/2012

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In my experience, by not addressing the situation at all you are ensuring that the behavior will not change. The partner (Ashley in this case) promoting or supporting the other (her husband) can begin to feel taken for granted and used and worst of all unimportant – last. You start to wonder are you going to have yet another difficult and "heavy" talk about how your relationship is not where you want it to be. The LAST thing you want to do is "ASK" for more love and affection or romance. Besides, asking for more love and affection or romance makes a man think he's doing something wrong, or that you're criticizing him. Women want their partners to be more affectionate because he really FEELS good about you, not because you lodged a complaint and now he's "stepping up." In my experience, past efforts to get a man to see the problem have led him to getting even MORE distant, or irritated with me. I think that both men and women want the same thing – a partner that makes them feel great both when they are together...AND when they are alone.

Using "I" statements and careful listening can help get you what you want. "I" statements place the focus on how your partner's behavior affects your feelings. The first step to preparing for your conversation is to identify your own feelings about the behavior. Explore deeply your feelings about the lack of intimacy - being left alone. What emotions come up? What fears does it conjure up?

A simple "I" statement begins with telling your partner that you want to discuss something important to you. Next, fill in the formula: "I feel___________________ when you ___________________. It would make me happy (closer to you, etc.) if you would _______________________." Make eye contact and speak in a clear, loving tone. Rather than putting the emphasis on what your partner has done wrong, use an "I" statement to express how you feel.

Hope this helps...of course investigate all medical possibilities too.

Crystal - posted on 01/10/2012

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I know what you are going through. Work made mine husband mentally tired therefore when he sat down his brain shut off and his eyes closed. There were night where he would sit down to take off his work boots and never got that far. He hated the fact that he was always too tired for all of us and that depressed him a bit. It's not you. You say that you have kids, well think of your self in those shoes. Example : for a week when u go to bed your brain doesn't shut off come morning you are exhausted, you then spend the entire day taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning , maybe being a referee to the kids, the. Cooking for your family, cleaning, bathing the kids, putting them to bed and maybe with difficulty who knows. Do that for a week and it knocks you on your ass to the point where you have a hard time getting back on track. It's frustrating.

I have 4 kids and I'm in my late 20s also a stay at home mom. I have been in his shoes plus I have been in yours.

Going to the doctors isn't a bad thing either. Hang in there:) and just think when you two do get intimate it is going to be a night you won't forget:)

Alexandra - posted on 01/10/2012

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I think there might be something really going on with his body, either depression, or hormone imbalance, or something like that. If there is nothing wrong with your realtionship otherwise, then don't take it personal. I think it is really a good idea to go to the doctor and have an extensive blood test done. He is too young to have this kind of fatigue.

LaLasha - posted on 01/10/2012

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No honey! Please don't blame yourself I'm sure he is head over heels in love and lust with you. He might have really have a health issue. High blood pressure, diabetese, sleep apnea, and the list goes on have all been linked to excessive tiredness. Also low testorone which is linked to excess body fat. So please don blame yourself and don't be bitter with him just get him medical health.

Xiaoling - posted on 01/10/2012

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ok obviously is drinking problem, does he smoke too??well this 2 things goes together for man, so that will make his sex life messed up, he probably is not feeling no interest in sex but just after sometime of marriage life,usually goes that way, unless he is having and affair outside the marriage which i am not surprise for man,otherwise he has to stop drinking and smoking and see a doctor about his problem,because you guys are still young and a lot more to go in life,iam old but iam dealing with this problem too, so trust me,have a heart to heart talk to him and if that doesn't happen than you need to ask some one to talk him out of it.

Angela - posted on 01/10/2012

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If he has undiagnosed sleep apnea or diabetes, either could be the cause. My hubby has both conditions but as long as he sleeps long enough now that his apnea is being treated appropriately, he is not falling asleep when he sits down. He used to even fall asleep at his desk at work and that hasn't happened in over a year.

Sandra - posted on 01/10/2012

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No...but this definately sounds as though he has a problem .....blood tests are needed as he may have some disdorder....there has to be a reason for him falling asleep like that..Make sure The Dr runs tests ......yes it would be hard not to take it personally as you are both young .......
You have taken steps to satisfy your needs for now but I say be patient ..wait for results and take it from there...

Amy - posted on 01/10/2012

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This exactly what I thought too. Husband has this plus low testosterone. The med. for thyroid is cheap and he will see results quickly. Also both of these are inherited. Anyone else in his immediate family?

Frances - posted on 01/10/2012

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A thorough physical exam should reveal whether his problem is a medical one. Also, his doctor may recommend that he lose some weight as well as suggest how to approach weight loss in a way that will work best for him. The two of you may want to write down a list of questions that you would like to have answered by his doctor in addition to concerns that both of you have. If you husband does not object, you may wish to sit in on the doctor's report when test results come back. Good luck to your family.

Karen - posted on 01/10/2012

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My husband has the same issues. He has sleep apnea and low testosterone an vitamin D. He is also overweight. His job is stressful and he is on anxiety meds. He is finally on a good testosterone replacement and things are much better. One thing you can do is change the family eating habits to eat healthier and do a vitamin D supplement. Mine has a CPAP machine but it doesn't seem to do much for the sleep. He is still tired but his desire has come back. Try not to be too hard on him till you hear what the doctor says because he might not be able to help what is happening to his body. Hopefully there are answers out there for those of us who have this problem.

Laura - posted on 01/10/2012

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Does he snore? Could be sleep apnea....a medical check-up is definitely in order! Good luck!

Jodi - posted on 01/10/2012

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Sounds classic for sleep apnea. Ask his doctor for a sleep study. This is very easily treated and will change his life (and yours!).

Maggie - posted on 01/10/2012

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this could be so many things. wait and see what the doctor says - they'll probably test his testosterone levels and maybe test him for sleep apnea. Try to get them to test vitamin D levels, too. Try giving him vitamin supplements and see if that helps any. In the meantime, hang in there.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/10/2012

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Sounds like he needs to see a therapist, and also do a cleanse, start eating better and taking some supplements

Leslie - posted on 01/10/2012

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There are so many things it could be, but falling asleep like that at the table is not normal. It sounds a little like narcolepsy. I would have the doctor test all those things others have recommended - thyroid, sleep apnea, testosterone, and narcolepsy. Also, depression. But one feeds the other. If he's falling asleep and tired and grouchy all the time, then he could be depressed about it. I know a woman who was diagnosed with narcolepsy, she would fall asleep in her car before she went in to work. They put her on some kind of medication and she's like a different person. Good luck, I really think the doc is going to find something totally addressable.

Bonnie - posted on 01/10/2012

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It could be a range of things. Good thing he is willing to go to the doctor to get checked out. A lot of men are not. The only thing is, you would think when he got off work early, he would have wanted to come home and spend it with his family because of how tired he gets by dinner time.

Wunna - posted on 01/10/2012

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Get him tested for Coeliac Desease (Gluten Intolerance). A lot of man are undiagnosed.
My son was diagnosed with 14 month and changed dramatically in health and behaviour.

Jackie - posted on 01/09/2012

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maby he need to lost some weight and the sex drive will come back .If you truly love you man stand by his side .

Sarah - posted on 01/09/2012

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Maybw look into low testosterone. It has a few of those symptoms. Might want to google it n c

Chrystal - posted on 01/09/2012

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My husband and I went through something similar he was tired, gained weight yet was never hungry, and lost almost all his sex drive. He'd tell me how much he loved me and how much he wanted me that it wasn't me he just didn't feel like himself. I tried to be understanding but it hurts when your partner isn't showing interest and you feel your begging to be intimate so I get how your feeling. For him they did every test under the sun and ended up finding nothing they told him he was suffering from stress. He didn't listen when they told him to slow down then he had 2 mild hear attacks in a months time stress induced. He finally listened and we figured out how to lower his stress and slowly he's gotten back to his old self and we have gotten back to us. It took a toll on our marriage for sure but we loved each other enough to keep working on things and things are better than ever. Don't stop looking at the medical aspect till you find an answer. Society has so ingrained in us that if a man doesn't have a sex drive it's because the women isn't turning him on anymore and it's just not true they go through ups and down just like we do. Try your best to understand that you are a beautiful women and he loves you don't doubt that.

Ariel - posted on 01/09/2012

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Heather Kelly: ...What? Are you saying it's immature for a man to go hang out with family or friends or am I misunderstanding you? Men need time like that to manage stress.... I only agree with you if he's doing it all the time late into the night, but she said he came home by 6pm....

Everything else you said was helpful, though.

Donna - posted on 01/09/2012

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On top of having his thyroid checked make sure he has him iron levels checked. My husband has low iron and he falls asleep a few minutes after he sits down in front of the TV. I think he does love you so don't worry about that.

Kimberly - posted on 01/09/2012

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He could have low testosterone. It can cause a lot of the issues you are worried about in men, and sometimes even in women. The low sex drive really makes that sound like a strong possibility, along with the exhaustion and weight issues. It can also cause depression in men, which makes other symtoms worse. Being on the heavy side can cause men to produce too much estrogen, which can lower testosterone levels as well. He is a little young, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. He may also feel like he is not able to perform if he is not feeling the drive and is afraid of disappointing you. Which becomes a vicious cycle that has more to do with his physical and emotional issues than anything else. How is his diet? Not enough veggies, fruits, fish, lean meats, beans, whole grains, yogurt and too much processed foods could be leaving him sick and lethargic. Try a food-based energising vitamin, and be careful about od'ing on caffeine. He may not be getting enough water, dehydration makes you tired. How active is he? Lifting weights, sports and other arobic activities actually give you more energy, plus they increase bloodflow to the genetalia, which actually helps make you want sex more. Healthy people feel sexier, so go to the doc, clean up the diet (if needed) and get more active. Diet changes and getting more active helped my hubby feel better (and more amorous) !

[deleted account]

What kind of diet does he eat?

If he's overweight, it would do him a world of good to reduce his carb intake.

I used to feel tired a lot of the time too -- especially a late afternoon crash. I believe it was related to an unhealthy diet of processed foods, refined grains, and sugar.

Kansas - posted on 01/09/2012

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Get his thyroid tested NOW!!! Before I had mine tested and ultimatley treated I almost lost my marriage for the exact same reasons. I was so tired and depressed that I contimplated suicide. But since I've been on thyroid meds, all that stuff is gone. Please don't give up so easily, especially if you still love him, do the doctor routine for a while and if the stuff still continues then make a change. As for the going out and have drinks, sometimes a change in routine like that can spur a burst of energy that's unusual.

Melissa - posted on 01/09/2012

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Have the doc check his testosterone levels! My hubby is a big guy and had issues with wanting to sleep all the time and wasn't interested in sex, then he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and put on a cpap machine. It helped a little but not completely. I talked him in to finding another doc to see if they could find something else. The new doc checked his testosterone levels and found that they were extremely low. He now takes replacement testosterone and it is amazing how much energy he has now! He has even lost 30 lbs and will continue to lose more since he now has energy to workout! Good luck I hope they figure out what is going on, it is tough on a relationship when this is happening.

Heather - posted on 01/09/2012

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He IS 23 and he needs to grow up! He shouldn't be going to his uncle's house, drinking beer, than coming home to pass out. That's so messed up. Yes, medically, he needs to get seen and really checked out. But still, how many hours of sleep does he get every night? What kind of work does he do? Does he snore? This can help when he sees his doctor. Go with him to ask questions and tell the doctor what your husband won't tell them.

Sandra - posted on 01/09/2012

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Not saying this is true for your husband, but I'm gonna put it out there because it's more common than I ever knew! This exact same thing happened with me and my now ex-husband. Turned out he is bisexual which was a little more gay than I could handle being his wife. Like I said this doesn't mean it's true for your husband but this does happen. Worth looking into for your own sanity. Especially if you went to the extreme of having to buy a vibrator which I also did at the time. Good luck figuring this out.

Krista - posted on 01/09/2012

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I would wait to see what the doctor says. There is a REALLY broad range of possibilities here, from depression to sleep apnea, to thyroid issues. He definitely needs to insist upon a complete workup of tests in order to determine what is going on.

Linda - posted on 01/09/2012

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Does he snore? He could have sleep apnea, which would definitely make him tired.

Michele - posted on 01/09/2012

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I have a great product. That can help that.It have me my life back,because I was a lot like your hubby.

Lisa - posted on 01/09/2012

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It sounds like he may have some strong symptoms of depression. You are doing the right thing by going to the doctor. Good luck!

Brianna - posted on 01/08/2012

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i think ur doing the right thing by see the doctor. i do think that if he lose weight he would probably have more engery adn feel better about himself therefore making him wanna get intimate. i think it would probably help u guys if maybe u schedualed 1 night of week for sex. good luck

Elfrieda - posted on 01/08/2012

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It could be that his job is really stressful, or that he is depressed. He could also feel like he's failing as a husband and father, and instead of trying harder, he feels overwhelmed and shuts down (literally, if he's always sleeping).
I think it's good you're going to see the dr about it. I doubt it's you, but I agree it's hard not to take it personally. My husband had a period of a couple of months like that, where I almost would have expected an affair or something except that he was always either at work or zoned out at home (ignoring me). It was hard. We went on vacation to a resort where there was nothing to do but lie on the beach and eat and drink (I hated it, so boring, but it was very good for him) and we clarified what's important to us and we made some 5-year goals for ourselves.

We made some changes in our life (big ones - new city, new jobs) and we're doing great now. I hope you guys get through this rough patch as a stronger team than when you started. I think it's totally possible, if you're both working on it!

Jennifer - posted on 01/08/2012

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It could be so many things! Overweight? Is he cold alot? Dry skin? Could be thyroid- I take iodine for mine. Is he pale with dark circles under his eyes? Could be low iron. Molasses is great for it, stir a tablespoon in milk for a treat. My husband suffered lead poisoning, and it affected him for several years. He still has to deal with low testostrone and lung problems. I hope the doctor helps, but if he doesn't find anything, look into natural medicine. It has helped my family more than anything else!

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