husband left me and 2 kids,

Joanne - posted on 05/16/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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he left saying he doesnt love me and hasnt for 18 months, after i found out he had been having an affair with another woman for 3 months. he says he has no connection with me and nothing in commom, we've been together for 12 years and have 2 sons 7 and 3, what makes it worse is that the affair started when my mom was dying in hospital she had been ill at home for 3 months before that, we have had alot to deal with as he lost his dad last july and i lost my mom february i thought he was under stress at work nothing out of the normal in his job. he sees the kids regular and sits talking to me like were still together, also says he regrets the affair which he says is over now, and really why he needs to tell me that i dont know as he now lives alone so can do what he pleases, he texts me everyday and speaks to kids everyday on phone but always asks to speak with me everytime after, he says hes happy to be on his own, he still pays all the bills and keeps offering to help me with anything i need,hes had a different car and has told me i am still on the insurance and if i need to use it i can even though i have my own car?
i am so confused and obviously still love him, i thought when you seperated from someone you totally want nothing to do with them appart from the kids..

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Jen - posted on 05/16/2011

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Your husband had an affair while your mother was dying, and now -- after the affair is over, he's behaving like a decent human being while maintaining that he wants to continue living apart from you? OK, two pieces of advice: stop reading/answering his texts and calls to you. Tell him you only want to hear from him personally if there is an emergency. This does not mean he shouldn't talk to and see his children as often as possible, but you need to not be there when he's with the kids. In other words, distance yourself from him as he no longer wants to be married. 2nd piece of advice: get yourself both a therapist and a lawyer.

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2011

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I would just tell him plain and simple. If he wants to be with you, then come back home (if that's what you want) if not, then he needs to stop toying with your emotions. You will talk to him regarding the kids, and hope that he keeps up the same kind of relationship with them. Right now you need time to heal and all of this is too confusing. Later down the road when everything has cooled for awhile, then a friendship can start.

Staci - posted on 05/17/2011

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I have been in a similar situation - my ex informed me 3 months after we had moved into a new home AND had our 2nd child that he had been having an affair for 3 years. What I can be thankful for is that he severed the relationship completely with me and it allowed me to move toward healing and forgiveness faster. Right now, it appears, that he is still keeping you on the line because I am sure that he does have feelings for you still and due to the children but the fact that he enjoys being on his own indicates that he may enjoy the opportunities it provides. He needs to get off the fence and decide that he wants to be the husband and father he should be or he needs to give you the freedom to move forward instead of existing in a state of limbo. Either way - a good therapist or counselor would be productive either in reconcilation or your healing.

Jen - posted on 05/16/2011

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By the way, your grief over the betrayal and dissolution of your family is completely normal.

Louise - posted on 05/16/2011

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I know exactly how you feel. My 21 year marriage hit rock bottom last month and we are still living together but not as husband and wife. He says he loves me as a sister and can't bare to be apart from me or chat to me every day. Me on the other hand love him and want the relationship back. It is so confusing for everyone involved. Neither of us can afford to move out so we are stuck.

It sounds to me your husband loves you deeply and can't bare the thought of not talking to you every day. May be he is going through his midlife crisis and does not really know what he wants. If you want a fresh start then decline his calls and see where that leads. My feelings on this one is he will want to come back in a couple of months with his tail between his legs. Then you will have to decide whether you can forgive and forget and carry on. Good luck for the future I really do feel for you. xx

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Emilie - posted on 05/16/2011

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My ex husband had an affair with his brothers wife while I was pregnant with my daughter, and my stepfather had cancer. Now he is with his brothers wifes best friend. When I left him it was really hard for a while. It takes some time to get over. But if he wants out there is really nothing you can do except wait and hope and pray and everything will work out for the best. I know this might not be what you want to hear but things will work out. I thought my life was over and that I would never be happy again, but now I am married to a wonderful man that is like 10 times a better man that my ex, and now I know that he is the one I was meant to be with and I am totally over my ex now.

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