Husband making important family decision without me

[deleted account] ( 7 moms have responded )

And it's making me crazy. My husband wants to leave his job and move because he is unhappy. Well that may be what's best for him, but we have two kids and that doesn't even seem to factor in and when I try to talk to him he just doesn't seem to get it. He just tells me it would be better for the kids if he were home more, which I agree with, but part of the reason he isn't home more is he also volunteers with what's left of his free time. He's talking about moving and going to school in another state this Fall, we own a house which would never sell in time, and my daughter is due to start Pre K this Fall, which if we move she will most likely miss school the entire year. Plus she is just about to start speech therapy, which she desperately needs, and that will set her back and I will have to start the process all over again.



Now I don't want to come off as a selfish witch either, my husband works hard, works crazy hours, and I know he isn't happy. But when you're a Mom your kids come first and I don't understand why it isn't the same for him. That's not even addressing the fact that he thinks we can afford to do this and I don't agree. What do I do to keep him from making a selfish decision against my will, or keep him from hating me if he listens and doesn't do it?

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[deleted account]

Well I appreciate the ideas and I know it's impossible to know everything about a situation based on a few paragraphs so forgive me if I disagree a bit here and there. As I mentioned my husband is in the Army, we have been through 4, 1-year long deployments, lived in 4 states, and since my daughter was born we moved 4 times. Believe me change and moving are not unfamiliar to me, but it's also left me with the knowledge that change is difficult for children at any age. Yes they will get through it and I've learned how best to help my daughter transition. My point to my husband was simply that this didn't have to be done now and he has given me no good reason to say we should do it now. I have supported him and followed him in his career throughout our marriage, asking little in return except to have my input valued. I chose to stay home with my kids and he has made that possible, but I want to do the best I can for my kids so I am putting forth the opinion that this is not best for them. If you disagree I can understand that, but it is hard to judge without knowing my husband, who tends to put himself before others, which is why I am so strongly asserting myself in this decision. Thank you again for the ideas, they have led to some serious thought.

Catalina - posted on 04/27/2012

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Being married is hard. And it weans being reasonable and compromising. Have you said everything to your husband that You've said here? Make sure you're both communicated well or bigger problems will arise.

If your husband is not happy then I don't blame him for wanting change but maybe he is going to wrong way about it!

It's important that he feels supported so maybe try saying "honey I know youre not happy, so together let's figure out what we can do to make you happy" there will always be a solution.

Is this a midlife crisis?

And privately I would write down your real reasons for not wanting to move and I'm sure there are solutions there too! Good luck!

Louise - posted on 04/27/2012

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I know you dont want to move because of the kids but your arguement has flaws in it too. If you have started speech therapy you will be transfered to the new areas speech therapy unit and your daughter that is starting school will also be moved to a pre K class as well. Why does your husband have to move to go to school? Why can't he study in your state? Ask your husband to write down all the finances that he thinks you will be ok financially to give his job up. Ask him to prove to you that the entire family wont be affected by his choice financially. If he can do this then really he deserves the right to a better future, and if he thinks studying and getting another job is the right thing, so he will be around his family more, he is going to push to do this.

Believe me it is a lot easier for you to move now whilst the kids are young than to drag them out of school over the age of 8. The older your children are the harder it is for them to fit in. Your husband is not happy doing what he is doing and in desperation to get a better future he wants to move state. If it is financially viable then help him!

Sarah - posted on 04/27/2012

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Maybe he thinks if he is happy it will be better for his kids too. If he wants to retrain than you should support him in that adventure. It may be more difficult in the short term, but he will be happier in the long term, provide better for his family, and have more dedication to his family. I can understand your worries, changes are scary, but when you marry you vow to go through those changes together. You can find a new pre school and speech therapist, your state isn't the only one who will have them.

[deleted account]

All very true Tabitha, here are the details. He's in the Army, he would be getting out to go to the ROTC program and use his GI Bill, it's a pay cut but I'm not sure how much of one yet. My problem with any pay cut is my husband spends money without thinking about it and we have a lot of debts. He would then go back into the Army as an officer when he graduated, so it would be more money in the long run and a good career move. The problem I have with renting our house is I've seen what renters can do to a house and eventually we will need to sell it, I don't want to have to do more work on it that we can't afford. I know they will have pre-k and speech therapy else where, but that doesn't mean the pre k will have open enrollment, most have deadlines. With the speech therapy, she is due to start soon and I don't want to get her started only to disrupt her therapy with a move and have to start all over, according to her evaluation she is already close to 2 years behind where she should be and if she doesn't catch up I'm worried they won't let her start kindergarten on time either. Overall, I just don't think it's the best move right now, if he could put it off just this year, I would definitely do it then, I don't see the urgency.

Tabitha - posted on 04/27/2012

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Is there a job lined up or does he just plan on going to school? That would be the first issue that would need resolved. Most likely, there are preschools and speech therapists in the area where he's wanting to go. So she won't miss out. You husband attending school could help your family in the long run if he will be able to make more money afterwards. As long as there is still money to support the family while he's in school, it might not be a bad idea. You can always rent your house out to supplement the income.

[deleted account]

Well I am the same way but I'm not working. I sometimes feel like being a mom isn't enough. I need a new change but you're right. You're kids are your number 1 and if your daughter needs speech and is going to make a big difference. Like you said he volunteers maybe he could cut that off or limit himself with at least an hr.

Hope all works out. Good luck!

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