Husband problems- please help

Jillian - posted on 11/28/2012 ( 237 moms have responded )

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I am having problems with my husband and not sure what to do. We have two kids 18 months, and 6 years old. I work 2 part-time jobs, clean house, cook dinner, and take care of the kids when I'm not at work. He only has them by himself when I work at night a couple times a week. Problem is, he is always wanting to have sex. Always. He gets upset, even angry with me if we don't do it more than twice per week. A lot of times I'm just not in the mood. I am tired, have a sore back, or just want to relax. He gets mad and tells me I am just making excuses and won't stop giving me a guilt trip. I have told him that if he would help with the house and kids or romance me a bit that it would make things better. He still doesn't do any of that. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I don't want to keep going on like this but I don't know what to do to make both of us happy. Helpful advice would be sincerely appreciated!

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Beverly - posted on 11/29/2012

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No. Coerced sex has a name, married or not. Your husband needs to man up and take care of his responsibilities before he demands anything from you. He does not get to come from work and sit on his rear while you work a full time job (kids and house) and two part time jobs then whine about what he wants. He is not the only one with "needs". His behavior is abusive. Honestly it is easier to be single than married to a self centered child.

Marian - posted on 11/29/2012

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This is very common. As responsibilities increase, as demands for our time and attention increase we find that our relationships begin to suffer. Sounds as though you and your husband need to spend a little time sharing your needs with each other. You have a need for some help around the house, which will give you a little free time. Your husband has a need to spend some intimate time with you. So, the two of you need to come to an understanding about how both of you are going to work towards meeting each others needs. It will take patience and understanding on both your parts. As partners you will have to work together to make it work.

Sometimes you will have to do something you don't feel like, or are not in the mood for. Sometimes your hubby will have to do the same. Don't forget to make time for each other every day. Maybe give a call in the middle of the day just to say "Hi I love you." Or spend the first 5 minutes of dinner asking about and listening to each other's day. The little things may help make doing the bigger things easier.

Donna - posted on 11/29/2012

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This is not uncommon, in my experience, some men will not read a letter from you, and they do

or die want sex with there partner. First thing my mother told me is you are married now, and you should not deny your husband, no matter how tired, you love him, it keeps him wanting you and only you! Well, after having 3 and custody of his own....I know well how you feel, but do

not resent him or be angry, men are different...no matter what, they want sex....make a deal with him once a week that you pamper yourself with a quiet time and bubble bath he can put the children to bed or entertain them. and he will be rewarded..He will probably suggest it more often without you asking for help..I am now 55 and I wish his desire was

was the same as when we were young with children! and I was tired! He still pampers me knowing

it gives me a reason to feel sexual and ready instead of tirded. good luck but don't be angry.

Deanna - posted on 11/29/2012

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Being tired can be used as an excuse. I don't in this case it is. But, romance is a 2-way street. You may have to make "appointments" for sex. Do you have a night off? Maybe on those nights, no matter what, have a bit of romance. On the other nights, maybe a spontaneous bout of sex would be good. Since you are working hard, he will have to start taking some responsibilities. Ask him if he will do the dishes for you. Or just something simple. If would take a bit off of you and maybe get you in the mood. Nothing sexier than a man doing dishes.

On a different note. Sex is a great form of relaxation and a natural pain-reliever if there is an orgasm.

Ask him to help, don't demand. He might be more willing to help if you ask him to help. And maybe when he does the dishes you can grab his butt and tell him how hot he is. Bribery does work with husbands too. Or make a trade off. He does the dishes and you can be "friendly" later. It might help.

Joni - posted on 11/30/2012

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Hi Jillian, I'm gonna shoot straight from the hip here, I was married to my first husband for 10 yrs, (with 3 kids), and I'll be celebrating my 10th anniversary with my second husband (2 kids). So, I'm no spring chicken and I've been around the block LOL. You don't say how old you are, but the first thing you need to know that i feel it is totally unrealistic for him to demand sex from you more than twice a week, especially given your circumstances. He is totally selfish, and I personally would not let him touch you until he shows you that you and the kids are a priority. You don't owe him sex when YOUR needs are not being met. Its a 2 way street. He certainly has no right being angry, in fact YOUR the one that should be angry. Marriage is about mutual trust, communication and trust. Not sex. If there is consistent cooperation and mutual goals, sex usually won't become an issue in the first place. This is also a breeding ground for resentment. If he can't understand any of this, I think professional counseling is warranted. But for a husband to contribute as little as yours does, and then expects sex, sounds very immature and lacking in priorities. I hope this brings some clarity to your situation, I for one, would not stand for that attitude..Goodluck!!

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Kenny - posted on 01/22/2013

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yes and ladies that goes for some men to I know im one of them. intimacy starts in the morning from the time you wake to the time you go to sleep. it can be started at any time inbetween. talking on the phone, to a warm touch, and kiss to a hug or just kind words for the one you love..making love being with that special person starts in your head, done you remmber when u first ment so much to each other. helping each other doing house work to, holding hands. Ladies dont forget you use to want to make yourselfs look amazzing do we still do that to keep our hubbys or men do u still do the things you use to do to keep your ladies eyes on you.. think about it.. I know most of us have stopped .. now ask yourself why.. to keep the flame going its needs fuel.. men ladies give it fuel. and if your wife or hubby doesnot respond then you in so many words married the wrong person for you.. I know I did.. and so did she,, but that is history.. good luck

Kenny - posted on 01/22/2013

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wow sorry to hear this I had the same problem when i was married.. allways fighting for sex for tenderness and to feel wanted and loved.. life is not suppose to be this way .. so i found out. good comunication and trust in each other is the key, when we first start out with each other we do things just because , we care we love we want to.. when we have been with someone for a while we take them for granted, sometimes it wont matter who you are what u do you just married the wrong person for you.. but talk and see if this can be worked out,, if not its time to move on with a better understanding of who we are.. so we dont keep making this same mistake.. hope this is allways hope.

Kenny - posted on 01/22/2013

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Im glad to see someone doing something that makes others feel good and makes for a better day.. or days weeks etc, to know what your partner needs is being responsible and caring good for you and all of those that do the same male or female..

Irmarie - posted on 01/16/2013

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Anna i love what u said about The best love making starts before you hit the badroom That is soo true! I hope it gets that part!

Monita - posted on 01/15/2013

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what a selfish prick!!...while mine sleeps all the time yours asks for sex!!!...
I think it is just being young and immature selfish man that they are.
My advice he is bullying you, playing the guilt card ..just keep on making sarcastic remarks ..Like " I wish I had someone to help me; I would do anything for anyone who cares enough to help me, My friends husband works fulltime and stills helps out ; isnt she lucky to have a husband like; I wish I had someone like.
hope this helps
Make him realise how it hurts when someone doesnt help out

Kenny - posted on 01/14/2013

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so have sex with him its part of life,, he may and does have a higher sex drive then u but believe me its inportant that you guys work this out..

Anna - posted on 01/08/2013

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A man that wants sex more than 2x a week is not a sex fiend- just normal by thinking between his legs and not thinking with his other/real brain about what you need before you can meet him there. (A man that is remotely forceful/controlling about it is a serious problem, as in the case above). The problem your husband has is that he doesnt see the need to suit up and help out. He doesn't perceive YOUR needs which is a real squelcher of lovemaking. They say good sex is created before you even hit the bedroom. There is nothing sexier than a man who perceives your needs and then does something about it=true love. Helping you when your exhausted is essential for good sex or any good feelings in the relationship at all. I really struggle getting my hubby to help out too--thankfully the sex frequency part is not such an issue, but his sitting in front of a screen for hours on end when Im exhausted (3 young children) really kills my attraction/respect for him. I can understand where you're coming from. The question is, Can HE understand this?

Lynese - posted on 01/08/2013

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this is not a response from lynese but her male partner
haveing children does change the sex at home as we get tired and sometimes it is the last things females want
the problem is men are more phisacal than women and the act of sex is more important to us than women
Your husband most likley feels regected etc by the terms no
talk to him
but i would say with the work load you have he is very lucky to have sex twice a week
i would suggest to you that if he wants more he should help you more and he should be told this
Try talking to him if he loves you he will talk and help you

Doreen - posted on 01/06/2013

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when my Husband helps around the house, it makes me feel happier about the setting I am in and helps me desire him more.
I don't have any personal advice for how to get him to help, but I liked the one ladies idea of saying help me with my needs around the house (let me take a bubble bath while you watch the children, then there can be a reward), and I can help you with your sexual needs.

Chris - posted on 01/06/2013

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You may have married my husband! This is exactly what we go through, often. If we have sex on Tuesday, he's telling me "we never have sex" by Thursday! He tries to guilt me into it, so, I turn it around on him. Make him question himself and why I don't respond to his tasteless tactics. There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all!

Chris

Irmarie - posted on 01/06/2013

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Jillian, you know what its so good to know i am not alone... i feel like u described my situation. Its so frustrating when our husbands fight n get angry about sex... Sometimes it makes me want it less when we have to fight about it. I completely agree on the romance i feel like now and day no man wants to go thru the trouble of romancing a women they forget that we have neeeds too that arent just intercourse. I dont have much advice as i am going thru the exact same the only thing i have done and suggest u do is talk to him about exactly what you feel and if he cant try to come on to you the way u need in order to get in the mood, well he doesnt love you deeply enough to change , my husband says he doesnt know how to be romantic LOL.. and with being a mom and a fulltime employee u wonder is this healthy for me? Do i wanna fight forever about sex? The kids arent going anywhere until they decide to move out, so is this gonna be my life? Keep your head up and i hope things get better soon!

Meg - posted on 01/01/2013

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Now that i had time to read the rest of your post, Vince:

Yes, of course, compromise and mutual give-and-take are absolutely the path to a good relationship.

What is important is not to assume that this can be achieved in every relationship. What has been very harmful to me and others with no-compromise mates has been people with reasonably healthy relationships telling us that we can make it work, that it's up to us.

It is very important to recognize that there are people with whom it will not work, and that in such a case, if compromise (on the part of the person willing to engage in it) and counseling and time do not bring change, exit is a viable and often wise and merciful option.

Give-and-take must be mutual if it's going to work. If one person in the relationship always takes and the other is always the one giving, the giver can't fix it by always giving more. Took me over 20 years to learn that. I'd like to help others learn it sooner.

Vince - posted on 12/31/2012

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Hi Meg....I do agree...there are people out there that are never satisfied with what you give them. And no spouse should have to put up with an abusive partner. I think when men and women keep these things in mind it helps them be better partners to one another. I certainly wouldn't want to be treated that way so I don't do that to my spouse.

Happy New Years to all! I hope this year proves to be better then the last!

Meg - posted on 12/31/2012

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No time to read your whole response right now, Vince, but:

I'm actually very healthy, and the centerpiece of my post-divorce health is building friendships with men so I won't become bitter toward men in general and so I can enter my next relationship joyfully and love well. I have known people who were consumed by bitterness and anger after their divorce. I didn't want to go that way, so I've very consciously taken affirmative steps in the opposite direction.

Another part of my recovery is speaking out about abuse. That's what you're seeing here. I have posted about it here not because I'm bitter and unforgiving, but because it is very important for other women to know that they need not stay in abusive relationships.

I will continue to speak out about abuse, and to support women who are struggling. Many of them, I believe, have been reading this thread and have benefited from the message that they don't need to spend their lives trying to satisfy insatiable people.

Vince - posted on 12/31/2012

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Marriage is definitely a balance between spouses'. What works for one couple may not be what works for another. We can't say women or men are all the same......I know men and women that think they don't get enough sex........and yes they sometimes react the same way as Jillian is describing. I still contend that her husbands behavior is a learned reaction. The same as a child would react after getting their way. Men and women sometimes play the guilt card........we are all adults but as couples we tend to push aside the things that make us so............

Sex is an important part of marriage.....to what extent varies from couple to couple, not to mention the duration of sex. We have friends that are in their 40's that go at it all the time, while my wife and I only have sex once to twice a week. Sometimes quickies and sometimes it's the art of really making love," to put it eloquently"

Jillian's complaint is that she feels as if she is doing all she can in the household and that her husband does nothing and wants more sex and he uses his learned behavior to try and guilt her into more sex.....There was nothing mentioned about abuse. We all have different levels of what we consider tolerable and or accepted behavior. Meg has obviously been in a bad relationship and had her fair share and I can tell by her blogs that she is still suffering from what has happened. The best thing she can do is try and forgive and bring a more positive outcome to her life now......not dwell on the past. My wife was also in an abusive relationship and if she still lived it emotionally then it would effect what we have had for the last 20+ years. I had a fiancé that cheated on me while I was in the military and did all kinds of things that aren't nice but I have to move forward and look at the glass as half full rather than half empty and nurture the present not the past...........

To address Megs post about men needing sex all the time despite having an ill wife.....Well, I've been there. If a spouse truly loves the other then they will have the patience and understanding that the other is just not up to it and take into their own hands if needed. There is nothing shameful about pleasing yourself. There's absolutely no reason that two married people can't feel comfortable enough when the other doesn't feel like having sex that they can't please themselves. Sometimes it's just easier.......Sure, I wouldn't want that to be what it comes down too all the time .......but it works for both of us on occasion.

I think Angela hit the nail on the head! When I see that my wife is stressing over getting something done I will pick up the slack and she does the same. " Honey , why don't you relax, I can get it done...' I would hope that I'm not one of the few men out there that doesn't mind doing his share around the house, though I do know individuals of each sex that really aren't into cleaning etc.....I clean, cook, do laundry, help the kids with their homework, I go to my kids school to have lunch with and or to sit in class sometimes and evaluate what's going on etc........There's nothing my wife can do that I can't and vs. versa. Except having a baby of course! LOL! However, there are duties we each consider to be gender related. I think I should be the one mowing the lawn and taking care of the duties outside with the exception of the flower beds, which we both take satisfaction in doing....she does feel that certain things are inherently her duties..... It really all comes down to each individual and what's deemed a comfortable balance within the relationship.

An ideal..." caring , loving spouse" picks up on the subtle signs that one another unconsciously gives off...... For instance, I can tell when my wife's shoulders and or neck are tense. I watch for little things that effect her and I volunteer to massage that area for her. We often lay on the couch massaging each others feet while watching tv...It's good for her , it's good for me...it's definitely a tension reliever!.....we are closer for having done so! There are so many small things that make a difference.

As a man, and my experience ... I will reiterate that there's nothing wrong with Jillian retraining her man to think differently about helping out more around the house etc.....and using sex to get it. She needs to do it under the radar......Honey! If you can give the kids a bath then I will have time for "Us time" Men get the picture! Jillian will be projecting a positive way for him to get what he would like to have and in turn she gets a little relief. Men really are simple in this way....If my wife said Hey....Honey ..if you feel like cooking tonight I will have time for us" You better bet I'm cooking tonight! Sounds funny but it's true! It works! Eventually, he will do these things with anticipation that he won't have to ask for it..He will also have a greater understanding of what you go through on a daily basis and be able to rationalize why he's not getting it that night without getting upset....For me , there's nothing sexier then a woman who surprises her man with some spontaneous sex......It makes you feel needed and appreciated! Loved ( because men do think that way) It's a shocking reward for being the person that you are! The saying amongst men is " She's got you wrapped around her little finger"....Well, compromise is the true way to a happy relationship, you do things sometimes when you don't want to in order to make the other happy and vs. versa......

Pamela - posted on 12/29/2012

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Get a third, unrelated person with some professional background to assist in a little counseling session. May be as easy as 1 time, or it may require more.

Each of you should TRULY look at the level of consciousness of the other and consider each other's point of view. Perhaps your husband has been taught that a man should not do housework from one pr both parents. If that is the case then it can be discussed and compromises can be reached.

Angela - posted on 12/29/2012

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Shell,
If what your doing works for you and your husband, who are we to tell you it's not equal? If you feel it's a healthy balance and it works without any questions or second guessing, Shell do you! It makes your relationship work and you two are happy, my God bless you two.

Shell - posted on 12/29/2012

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Don't get me wrong.... I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions to the general rules.... ie: abusive men that take advantage of women, and men that are more sensitive and helpful on their own (My Dad is one... he does laundry, cooks, grocery shops.... uhm yeah that stuff) lol I think how a man is raised affects them too. But by reading those books I feel like I understand men a little bit better. And having an understanding allows me to react differently.

Angela - posted on 12/29/2012

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Vince,
May we hear your (a man) point of view on Meg's and Shell's post?

I agree men and women should treat each other as equals. I find myself in relationships that are not equal but there is a healthy balance. For example, I may feel like I am doing all the stressing over bills and he sees this and does all the house work, including cooking. Then he may be stressing over the bills and I will pick up the load for him, when I see it.
A healthy balance!

Alexis - posted on 12/28/2012

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yeah, hes getting away with making you do most of the work. sit down with him and decide what each of ya'll are going to do and when things need to be done, if he doesnt want to help then thats another issue. he doesnt wanna help with the house work and the kids more then ya'll need to set a monetary amount that he has to pay you to do the work.
actually went through the same thing minus the kids when me and my husband first moved in together, its hard and hes gonna fight but keep talking to him about it and express your feelings in comaprison to something he's felt. most guys just dont think about all that you do for them, so some times its good to remind them in a sweet loving non-agressive way.

Mary - posted on 12/27/2012

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Ladies what a load of crock that a man NEEDS sex all the time. What are you a toy? they could do with growing up. Is not sex between a couple supposed to be a pleasure and not something a husband gets by right of a marriage certificate. I thought we lived in the 21st century not the 18th. Girls I think you could do with a change of attitude and have a bit more respect for yourselves and expect to be treated as equals there is a big difference between a request for sex and a demand and no should mean no.

Meg - posted on 12/27/2012

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If a man needs sex and cannot live without it, what is he to do when his wife is ill?

Shell - posted on 12/27/2012

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Our brains are wired differently. We are generally more sensitive. They NEED sex, we need an emotional connection. They bond w/ buds over beer and a ballgame w/o talking, women have gab sessions. Thus why most men thing we women talk too much!!! Women discuss their feelings, men do not (and have a much harder time doing so, not because they don't WANT to, they don't know how because they are wired differently). We SEE the laundry pile up... Most men really just don't look around enough to notice. And I tell u ... I can see now when my Husband says ok or smiles and nods..... i KNOW when he hasn't heard a word I've said. I now ask him 3 times..... 3 days earlier than I want it done to clean the shower. It gets done. But I ask politely 3 times without nagging or being rude.It is SOOO much easier than getting angry because he "didn't listen the 1st time". I also found making a list works too.Men are appreciation STARVED no matter how much u appreciate them, they want more little appreciation treats! I pass them out like candy! And sometimes I give my husband sex when he wants it and I don't because I love him. And I'm telling you.... when my man is being an ornery bull... he is either hungry or horny. I can fix both of those things and then I've got a happy man willing to help me and make me happy too!!

Truthfully I would love to write a book about how women thing..... but there isn't a man in the world that would read it!! haha

I don't know Meg, maybe I'm an optimist, but they really enlightened me. Try checking them out..... My favorite authors are Mark Gungor and while he is no therapist or preacher, Steve Harvey! So real and so true.

Shell - posted on 12/27/2012

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I didn't say the choice to leave was wrong for you, I'm sure it was. All I'm saying is that we don't have enough information to make that decision based on facts here. I understand my man and that helps us have a happy marriage. I am nobody's slave...And you don't know what my definition of a man is please don't presume to.

Meg - posted on 12/27/2012

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No, Shell. All along, I have said "if": If this pattern of behavior is long-term and not amenable to improvement. I was married for 24 and a half years, long enough to establish that the pattern was long-term, long enough to attempt improvement repeatedly via counseling, and many years of accommodating my ex's "man-needs" and being kind and giving in the face of contemptible treatment.

If your definition of a man is someone whose intrinsic maleness entitles him to his wife's labor and body and exempts him from an obligation to practice kindness and contribute household labor of his own, then you stand the risk of passing to the next generation the belief that men are kings and that women have no rights, even to their own bodies.

If that is the future you wish for women and their children, then that is very dismal indeed.

I do anticipate a bright future for myself! I will either be with a man who treats me as an equal and beloved adult, or I will be on my own. My daughters will know that they need not be joined for life to a man who treats them like nothing more than a maid and a concubine. Given the circumstances in which they grew to their teenage years, it is probably the most important gift I can give to them as a mother.

Shell - posted on 12/27/2012

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Again Vince, well said! Meg I do think you are starting to beat a dead horse and make something out of nothing. My husband yells when he is mad, I hate it, but I'm not going to leave him for it! I hope that women reading your posts don't go run out and get a divorce, I hope they read the beginning posts from me, Anne Benissan, Vince, Marion Brack and others who suggested reading materials about how to understand men FIRST, before they take drastic measures and claim abuse or leave a man... who may simply just be behaving like a man.

I do notice in your post you said: "who acted exactly like Jillian's husband (and much more,"... that being said we don't know if there is much more or any more. I understand that asking more questions is helpful, but we never got answers and you are assuming the poor fellow is abusive right off the bat.

Anyway I hope your future is bright Meg! Take care of yourself.

Meg - posted on 12/23/2012

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Vince, I wish someone had speculated the way I am now when I was married to someone who acted exactly like Jillian's husband (and much more, but with out raising his hand or his voice).

Part of the problem is that we don't probe. We assume the best possibility given the facts presented, but don't address the other possibilities. This leaves dear people believing that their job in life is to work ever harder to satisfy an unsatisfiable person until death takes one or the other of them, and to display this to their children throughout their lives as a model of marriage--thus setting the stage for their children to be in such relationships themselves.

I'll say it again:

Here is an abusive pattern of behavior: expecting one's spouse to do all of the work, refusing to help when asked repeatedly, and getting angry when sex, though happening with reasonable frequency, is not of the frequency or kind one desires. The common thread in the pattern is always expecting your needs to be met and never putting yourself forward to satisfy your spouse's needs.

If that happens for a while, through a rough patch in the marriage, and if it can be worked out by the couple alone or in counseling, then it's a marital setback.

If it's a year-to-year, decade-to-decade way of life, unchanged even with counseling, it is abuse.

And calling it abuse is very, very important to someone caught in it.

Jillian is probably not in an abusive relationship. People have learned that she probably is a troll, posting fake situations on this website. So I'm not worried about Jillian. I'm worried about the women in situations like Jillian describes reading the message that if you're married to a selfish, demanding, unhelpful man who is pissed off if you have sex with him 2 times a week but not 3, the solution is to have sex with him more often so he won't be angry or run off with another woman, or to trade your body for chores.

Vince - posted on 12/23/2012

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Meg, After reading all your post and every post for that matter with great care including Jillian's. I have to agree with the census here, I think your reading way more into this then what Jillian has stated. I'm really sorry you were in an abusive relationship but I am however beginning to realize that your still bitter about the whole thing and your suggesting things that just have not been stated. What if? Seems to be what your answers are based on. She never stated he was being abusive in anyway. Just a little angry and try's to guilt her into sex. She's tired of having to do all the chores and work and take care of the kids and have sex more than twice a week, she wants help with that issue. That's what she needs help on.......All this other stuff is pure speculation and doesn't help.

Angela - posted on 12/23/2012

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Ladies I replied to Jillian by asking her if she felt if she as being abused in ANYWAY and she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't like. Beverly I agree with what you said. I feel her husband wants to show her a form of his love, i never stated sex is love period. Beverly, unwilling to meet your parnters emotional and physical needs is hardly control, does that not go both ways? Not arguing, just here to learn. So please school me. Again I am stating to Jillian, no one should force you to do anything you don't want. You dont have to stay in any relationship that is not healthy for you.

Meg - posted on 12/22/2012

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Jodi, I'm staying in this discussion because it's important for women who are in relationships with unsatisfiable partners.

Jodi - posted on 12/22/2012

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LOL, Ladies, no need to argue over what Jillian needs - she's a troll anyway.

Beverly - posted on 12/22/2012

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I think love and sex, while related in a healthy relationship, are not even close to the same thing. Demanding sex is never an act of love. Period. Not wanting to have sex with someone who doesn't respect you or is unwilling to meet your emotional and physical needs is hardly controlling.

Meg - posted on 12/22/2012

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What do other readers think about Angela's proposal?

If Jillian has sex with her husband twice a week but generally prefers not to do it more often than that, is she being overly controlling and failing to let him love her?

Angela - posted on 12/22/2012

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Meg, going on Jillian statement. She works two part time jobs. She didn't state how long she works or if she earns most of the income. She did state he doesn't help like she would like for him to but he has them a couple nights when she is at work. I asked Jillian if he was being abusive to her in ANYWAY and no responds. Meg you stated under abusive patterns, not listening to your spouse when expressing needs and expecting them to always meet yours. Jillian is not listening to her husband expressing his need to show his love to her. Not saying she should be forsed to do anything she doesn't want. It's not just her husband that determines the frequency of sex, Jillian stated he gets angry when he doesn't get it as often as he would like. He gets angry because she determine she was not going to let him show her the love he wants. It goes both ways and either of them are listening to the other partner in the marriage. They have both lost how important the other partner is in the marriage. Jillian get the help you two need or walk away.

Meg - posted on 12/22/2012

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Angela, I said that she should seek help to improve the situation and that if he still refuses to help and tries to use anger to coerce her to have sex 3+ times a week, she does not have the obligation to subject herself to that treatment for her whole life.

You don't have to hit someone or cuss at them to be abusive. Here are ways to be abusive, which may or may not be present in Jillian's relationship, but if any readers here are experiencing them, they are unfair, and taken together, they may form an abusive pattern:

-Expecting your spouse to both earn most of the income and do nearly all of the child care and housework. (Caring for kids two evenings while she works still leaves most of the child care to Jillian.)
-Not listening to your spouse when she expresses her needs and instead expecting her always to meet yours.
-Not respecting your spouse's sexual boundaries. Demanding sex with a particular frequency or done in a certain way and responding with anger when your demands are not met.

It's about control. If one spouse determines alone the division of income-producing and household labor and the frequency and kind of sexual activity, then that spouse is not treating his spouse as an equal, beloved partner.

A controlling spouse is an abusive spouse.

And lots of controllers never hit or curse.

Angela - posted on 12/22/2012

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Jillian
If you feel you have had enough, have tried everything you think possible, and nothing has worked. There is one other thing, LEAVE.

Angela - posted on 12/22/2012

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Meg, I agree you shouldn't advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. I think maybe you should go back and read what Jillian post. It stated Meg that he does help her with their children on the nights she is at work. It's their responsibility as parents to care for their children and home. Jillian if you feel that you have too much responsibility it may be good to let something go. I asked her earlier if he was abusing her in anyway, no responds. He has the right to get mad. If he wants to come home and love his wife after a bad day at work or working all day than come home and have the children until she gets off. I don't see a reason why he can't show is wife love. Meg, mad doesn't = abuse. We as humans get mad when things don't work out the way we like. If so Meg when you get mad then that makes you an abuser. Meg until she post that he is abusing her in some way please stop calling her husband that. We all are only commenting our ways that could help them with their marriage from Jillian's post not what if this happens, Meg. No one is saying stay in an abusive relationship but she never stated that it was. Jillian said mad, that could mean leave go to the bar for a drink or sit on the sofa with a beer. Never he smacks me or calls me out of my name. So lets work on the facts that were given.
Jillian could you give more detail to how he acts when he gets mad when you two don't have sex?

Angela - posted on 12/22/2012

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Meg, I agree you shouldn't advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. I think maybe you should go back and read what Jillian post. It stated Meg that he does help her with their children on the nights she is at work. It's their responsibility as parents to care for their children and home. Jillian if you feel that you have too much responsibility it may be good to let something go. I asked her earlier if he was abusing her in anyway, no responds. He has the right to get mad. If he wants to come home and love his wife after a bad day at work or working all day than come home and have the children until she gets off. I don't see a reason why he can't show is wife love. Meg, mad doesn't = abuse. We as humans get mad when things don't work out the way we like. If so Meg when you get mad then that makes you an abuser. Meg until she post that he is abusing her in some way please stop calling her husband that. We all are only commenting our ways that could help them with their marriage from Jillian's post not what if this happens, Meg. No one is saying stay in an abusive relationship but she never stated that it was. Jillian said mad, that could mean leave go to the bar for a drink or sit on the sofa with a beer. Never he smacks me or calls me out of my name. So lets work on the facts that were given.
Jillian could you give more detail to how he acts when he gets mad when you two don't have sex?

Ann - posted on 12/21/2012

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I understand how you guys want to stay married no matter how difficult the road is, but she is overwhelmed with responsibility. Her husband seems to have his job and twice a week care of the children while they sleep.

Jillian shouldn"t have to put on a fake smile and endure something that was meant to be fun and pleasureable between a man and a woman. Her husband has to share in the load and not given a pass on housework, simply because he is a man and you don't want him to be angry. He's angry already, because he is being denied sex from a woman that needs her feet rubbed.

He has to be given work around the house or the fear is going to be not his being turned off and/or turned away, but how long will it be before you seek the comfort of a helpful, understanding new man.

Hubby has to learn, without threat, that he could very easily turn into, "my first husband..." lol

Ann - posted on 12/21/2012

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Time for you to arrange a baby sitter for your children and visit your husband on his "two weeks" away.

Shell - posted on 12/20/2012

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And again Vince.... well said. It is nice to have a man's point of view on here sometimes. Thank you for sharing! You sound like a good man. I believe your wife is lucky to have you. I hope that you (and her) reap all of the rewards that you deserve.

Communication is ESSENTIAL. No matter how much you love one another. If there is no communication, then needs aren't met. And ultimately... love is lost. Because LOVE is HARD.. it IS work. On a day to day basis someone (hopefully both parties) are stoking those fires so that they don't go out.

I wish you so much good luck Jillian during this very merry Christmas time! And a happy new year to you and your family! And to everyone else that reads this post.

Vince - posted on 12/20/2012

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Hi Meg, I feel for any female that has had to go through an abusive relationship. My wife also was in a very abusive relationship before we met in 1990. I can only say that I don't know why men can be such butt heads...but I do know guys that are extemely arrogant and literally think they are the end all be all you might say.....I'm in my early 40's and have seen it all.

The fact that he is angry or mad that he's not gettng what he wants in my opinion is somewhat of a learned reaction. My earlier opinion was based on someone who is not physically reacting to not getting his way but emotionally. I will admit that at one time in my marriage, I looked at the lack of intimacy as a rejection and for a lack of understanding it was very frustrating and at times was mad about it....I will also add that the hormones that are released at climax can be very addicting, for some people it's really like a drug dependency.

If he's verbally or physically abusive then she needs to seek counseling and see where that goes or end it, but I can't advise on the level of help she may or may not need.........at any rate he needs a little mental reprogramming. Sounds to me like he's just sulking or looking for the pity party or like she stated earlier trying to guilt her into it........that's why I suggested she start using her smarts to intice him into doing more around the house by using "Us time" She would like him to do more around the house and he would like more sex. It's really up to her how much she gives it too him of course. I can assume they love each other, they just need to reach a level of balance ...

No spouse should ever belittle the other in order to get something they want. It comes down to talking like two loving adults with the notion that each others feelings are important. If two people love each other then in my opinion everything can be worked out. Communication is key!

Meg - posted on 12/20/2012

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Right, and even if it's not an obvious safety thing. It's very damaging to children to see their mother despised day after day.

Shell - posted on 12/20/2012

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Meg, I was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship some years ago and I figured if I was writing about him... I would not have used the term "mad".... horrible, extremely rude, furious, brutal or something like that..... so when I first read this post, it just didn't strike me as abusive (doesn't mean it's not), so I didn't want to advise her to leave the poor fellow just yet! lol But of course it it's like that she has worse problems than what I can fix!! Especially if her safety is at risk!

Meg - posted on 12/20/2012

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Shell, I so appreciate that recognition of the possible alternative situation! And I'm glad things worked out with your husband.

Shell - posted on 12/20/2012

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Vince I totally agree! When I got married, my husband worked all day, came home took a nap and then popped a squat in front of the boob tube and at 8 or 9 say Come sit with me Honey. I'm like... uh I HAVE STUFF TO DO. And I was angry about that. Then I read a few books on how men work... and voila, I understand mine better and I'm less angry. I can tell now when he is nodding/agreeing with me but has not heard a single word I said. I have no problem asking him nicely 3 days in a row to scrub the tub (I don't get mad if he doesn't do it the first time, I'm usually pretty sure he wont so I ask in advance =) , I will remind him to pick up those socks, I let him have a pile of clothes in a corner of our room and on the laundry hamper... I choose my battles. I make lists and he helps me with housework, he helps more with dinners and bath-time when our son is here.. why? BEcause I had to repeatedly ask him and let him know I'm snippy because I'm cooking, cleaning and taking care of 2 kids ( a 6 yr old and 30 yr old). And under no uncertain terms was he getting ANY ANY ANY sex when the child is with us. Well what do you know..... he skips working out, sits with us for dinner, helps with bath, picks up and wipes the table. So ladies..... I give him some sex after the child is in bed =) I'm just saying... if he is normal. It will probably work. You need to begin finding a way to reconnect. Fantasize. You may have to make the first move and have some sex to get his brain out of his pants and back into his head. But a good O has never left me in a bad mood!

If he is like Meg says well then it won't and you'll have to take a different approach. By no means do we want you degraded and abused.

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