Husband problems- please help

Patricia - posted on 12/20/2012

Nothing wrong with you but possibly something wrong with him. If his sex drive has increased from the norm you married him with, it could easily be a hormonal imbalance and you should both see his doctor. Also, my husband finally started helping with our two kids (2yo & 4yo) and being present as both a husband and a father. I had absolutely no sex drive before then but am now attracted to him again, thank goodness, because I have the support around the house and with the kids instead of him sitting on his computer playing and complaining. Seeing a father be a father is such a sexy thing. Just don't talk with him about it when he's angry and wanting sex. Find a time when you're both calm like right after the kids are in bed or get a sitter and go to dinner/lunch/breakfast just the two of you.

Meg - posted on 12/19/2012

Thanks, Beverly. I sure am finding lots of kindness for myself. From friends, family, and best of all from myself!

It took so long before I realized how deep my thirst for kindness had become and how very much I deserved it. Now my children see me as a recipient of kindness, not always only a giver. It is a much healthier way to live, and I think I'm now giving them a chance for a future without abuse.

That is the lesson more than anything: Our children need to see that we deserve to be loved so they know that they deserve to be loved, and should settle for nothing less.

Beverly - posted on 12/19/2012

Meg, I haven't responded since my first post but I want to say thank you. I know we both have needed voices like yours at some point, even when they were just whispers through all the noise telling us that we needed to work ourselves to death to please an unpleasable partner and meet all the other expectations of perfect motherhood, good housekeeper, and dedicated worker. I hope you are finding kindness even if only from yourself. You rock. Stay your stong, beautiful self.

URMOM - posted on 12/19/2012

its fun and it gets you more motivative so get on your husband and have some fun

URMOM - posted on 12/19/2012

kiss him its ok to have sex more than twice a week its fun

Claudia - posted on 12/19/2012

I can see you are a very smart woman with a lot of courage. Life is confusing.

Meg - posted on 12/19/2012

Trust me, if he is angry, there is no guarantee he will get over it, Vince. What should she do then? What if her having boundaries in her life causes him to get angrier and less cooperative, and counseling doesn't improve the situation?

What if remaining in this marriage means, for her, that she can have no boundaries of any kind. That happens to some people in marriage. What then?

Vince - posted on 12/19/2012

That's not what I'm implying either......I know she is tired and in fact does the majority of the cleaning and taking care of the kids if not all of it. I'm merely stating that she should use sex as a tool to get him to do something for her instead of just giving it up all the time and still taking on all the daily chores that must be done...Trust me , if he is angry he will get over it. As a man myself I find it rather shocking that she does all of this and he does nothing even if he gets it...Sounds to me like he is a little spoiled or taking her for granted maybe. In my opinion a relationship is a two way street...........

Claudia - posted on 12/18/2012

You are normal and wanting sex twice per week is totally normal also. Find ways to get turn on

Meg - posted on 12/18/2012

Shell, yes, I am angry when I see women advising another mom to submit herself to sex 3+ times a week with a man who treats her with contempt by acting like she's his maid then using anger to coerce her into bed.

I said exactly what you're saying about my ex for many years: "He's a good man, just oblivious." But the situation got worse and worse over the years, and counseling did not help. It took a lot of suffering and soul-searching before I understood that what was happening (what's happening to Jillian plus a whole lot more, but without physical or verbal battering) was abuse.

We don't know Jillian's full story. But if her husband has so much contempt for her that he uses anger to get sex and refuses after many requests to help her care for the home and children, then it is quite likely that he does not regard her as an equal and beloved adult.

If that is true, counseling may not change it.

And if counseling doesn't change it, then Jillian--and the many, many women in similar situations--need to know that they can leave.

I was married for nearly a quarter-century. I gave my all and much more until I was completely depleted. That I finally decided to leave does not mean that I don't value marriage. It means that I value it so much, I want my daughters to understand what good marriage is not. Maybe someday I'll be able to model for them what good marriage is.

Shell - posted on 12/18/2012

To Elizabeth and Jillian... NO NO NO NO .... just because he's not getting sex at home DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL FIND IT ELSEWHERE. NO NO NO. In some cases maybe yes. But NOT IN ALL. I speak of this from a man/friend that I know who is high testosterone, lacking sex but madly in love with his wife. He does not cheat. He isn't happy per say. But he does not cheat. They are not ALL LIKE THAT. You have to know he might. But if he loves you, he WILL NOT. DO NOT LET YOURSELF WORRY ABOUT THAT.

Focus on fixing your marriage. That is not a worry. In my honest opinion.

TO Jillian: Meg brings up good but warped points.... she seems angry. I don't know why. And I'm sorry that she is. But I'm angry too, that he doesn't just walk in the door and say "hey let me vacuum or dust or do laundry or wash that floor or whatever. IT IS NOT IN MAN'S NATURE!! And I still love my hubby. With all of his house cleaning faults and farting and burping and wanting sex and being oblivious..... the list goes on. But he is a good man and I love him for that. I'm giving you the advice I give with the pure belief that he is a good man. And you need to learn about him and figure it out. There is no leaving in your future... in my honest opinion. We work it out with men that are normal and oblivious.. it is just what we do. Try it our way (the ladies on here and Vince.. not Meg). And we will be here if that doesn't work. With more help and advice. But trust in us. We want you to be happy!!!!! Good luck!!

Shell - posted on 12/18/2012

To Jillian (per Meg) I would then ask:

Jillian.... Is he verbally and physically abusive? Or is he mad by laying guilt on you and pouting a lot???

And does he want to control your every day movement? Is he keeping you from your family? Does he let you use the phone to call friends and family? Are you afraid of him at any point of your day? Does he hover and try to tell you what you are supposed to be doing and when to do it?

I can't respond until I hear from Jillian. We are talking an extreme case if she responds yes. And then Meg, I would agree with you. Some other things need to be tried. I'm here to help NOT HURT.

Meg - posted on 12/18/2012

The part that makes me think it's abusive is that he is *mad* at her if she doesn't do it more often than twice a week, but he won't get off his butt and help her no matter how much she asks.

I used to think abuse had to mean hitting or verbally degrading or yelling and cussing.

Abuse can mean dictating the actions of a woman's body every moment of every day. If she must be taking care of kids and the house or earning money or laying down for him at every moment of her life or else he's mad at her--if her only alternative to carrying all of that would be to leave the kids unattended or the bills unpaid--then she is not in possession of her own self. That is abuse.

Shell - posted on 12/18/2012

Vince Well said!

Meg - We don't know if he is an abusive narcissist. We are sharing from our experiences only. We aren't trying to get her hurt! We are simply stating that even our normal men do happen to need more sex than we women do in order for their brains to be in their heads and not between their legs!! LOL Personally my orgasm is better with a few days in between so I don't mind offering up the proverbial quickie. I think he enjoys them all the same! haha

Angela... I like it. "The Reward System for Training Your Man"

Jillian.... Is he verbally and physically abusive? Or is he mad by laying guilt on you and pouting a lot??? I truly think most women have to push their husbands (train them) to help around the house (with exceptions like Vince) but it can be done. There is hope! Good luck!

Shell - posted on 12/18/2012

For what is't worth ... a TRUE clip about what our husband is going thru. It's not an answer to your question, but it will help you understand him a little bit better!



And as much as you won't want to hear this.... the more he gets sex the more likely he is to want to help you out. So I agree with Patricia.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/18/2012

I think that if she is being abused she should leave but what i read soent sound like abuse, he is not forcing her to have sex. Like was said, try and if you cant make yourself happy after every possible effort then leave. It is the sad truth in this world that if you dont give it up and he has problems that he will go somewhere else and find it. (not saying that he does) Like she said she want to make bpth of them happy, so he need to meet her in the middle or at least start to take steps to do more. EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY in a relationship that is what it is all about. Like you said megan, it took you years to see that your realtionship wasn't healthy. These are just ideas for ther to think about. She can talk them, leave them or use just parts of them.

Angela - posted on 12/18/2012

But, Megan, I don't think that what she described is abusive. I grew up in an abusive family; I know abuse firsthand. Granted there are levels of abuse. I don't consider desiring sexual activity with my spouse abuse. I know many women who do so much for their families because they like to be in control. I have friends who make these same complaints, then complain when their husbands load the dishwasher wrong or fold clothes wrong. But I still have hopes that this marriage can be saved with appropriate skills learned and utilized by EACH of them.

That said, NO ONE should stay in an abusive or miserable relationship.

Meg - posted on 12/18/2012

Thank you, Angela. That's what I'm saying. No one is under obligation to give her whole life and her children's childhood to this abusive environment. I thought I was. It took me two decades to figure out otherwise. We don't do Jillian and other wives of pathologically selfish men any favors if we make them think they're obligated to remain in such a situation forever.

Angela - posted on 12/18/2012

Reply to Megan: If she tries her hardest to make her marriage work and he won't meet her, then leave. But only after exhausting all attempts (counseling, etc..)

Meg - posted on 12/18/2012

It works if you're not married to an abusive narcissist. If her husband is an abusive narcissist, then you're giving an abuser a fantastic assist.

Maybe she'll deny him sex when he doesn't do his part, and he'll say, "If you do that, I'll freeze you out like you've never been frozen before" and stop coming home. Then what's her next move?

People saying "It worked for me, bet it will work for you" is cruel if she's married to a man with whom it will never work.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/18/2012

Like you said this is for people to give advise and where does advise come from? Past experierinces, we have not lived her life all we can do is tell her what it is that we have done or would do if we were in her shoes. No one has a perfectly healthy realtionship. If she wants him to help her then she needs to say something. If you just with hold sex then that wont work but if she can get him up to help out then give it to him. Like was said before a a reward. Intamcay has many different levels. Sex is just one of them. I have been in a relationship that is i didnt give it up he just took it. Now the relationship that i am in is better. Believe me my man is far from reasonalbe. I go to school work and take care of the kids and the house. Let me tell you it was a struggle to get him to have sex with me becasue i wasnt able to do all the things that he wanted me to do i n a day time. Over the years though I have noticed that if i make him happy, (not just in the idea of sex) he helps me out. Also it is the sad truth in this world you have to give to recieve. I know that to get my back rubed i have to do it with him. One thing of advise to to just stop doing everything. Either he will help or it wont get done. I have done this a few times and it works.

Meg - posted on 12/18/2012

If he gets angry when she won't have sex more than twice a week, you think he's gonna get nice when she says she'll do it less?

Good luck with that.

The problem is that people are interpreting her situation through the lens of their relationships with reasonably reasonable spouses. Someone who is pissed off because she only takes care of the kids and the house and works two jobs and has sex twice a week is not a healthy person who regards his wife as an equal and beloved human being.

What do you think Jillian should do if your strategy doesn't work?

Angela - posted on 12/18/2012

I am not implying that she make her body available to her husband, carte blanche. I am suggesting that she utilize rewards to train her husband. We do it with our children. We use what they like to invoke the desired response (i.e. if my daughter wants a sleepover, she must clean her room; if my son wants to play video games, he must get his homework done first). It is training. Besides, if I don't want sexual intimacy with my husband, I may as well have a roommate. Eventually, maybe the sexual activity will be pleasurable enough that she looks forward to it also. That is the hope.

Meg - posted on 12/18/2012

I feel like y'all didn't read Jillian's question very well. She and her husband already have sex twice a week (that's presumably why she knows he gets mad if they don't do it more often), she cares for the kids and works two jobs, he does nothing around the house even though she keeps asking him to, and he gets pissy if she doesn't put out more than twice a week.

Do you really think the problem is that she's not making her body sufficiently available to him?

It is really frightening that in what is supposed to be a supportive forum for women, the prevailing advice here is that Jillian offer more frequent access to her body in the hopes that he will treat her like an equal and beloved human being.

This keeps up and they oughta rename this forum Circle of Abusers.

Angela - posted on 12/18/2012

Thanks for sharing, Vince. You have described how things have worked in my house for years... :)

Vince - posted on 12/18/2012

Hello Jillian, I'm a father of two boys and would like to chime in if I may. My wife and I have been married for 20 years now and both my boys are 14 and 17 at the present time. I understand exactly how you feel and I also can relate to how he feels about this . I have to admit sex is an important thing for a man, though I do hear of women complaining about their men not giving it up as much as they would like also..... We both work a lot of hours, pretty much always have. Therapist say that even if one or both partners are tired form their daily lives they still need to find the time to make time for the other in that respect. I agree....My perspective on this as that men do tie sex together with love and attractiveness and they need their wives to want them. Once I get sex it changes my mood, I feel better, I feel like doing something, it helps my stress etc.....I've noticed that my wife sometimes feels the same way though I have to admit ...she does do it just for me more often, so a quickie is really great...Other times I have more of a focus on her and want for her to enjoy everything if you know what I mean......

As far as him not helping around the house, like other readers have posted ..use your sex time to get him to do something.....Example....Happily speaking...I still have some things that need to get done around here but if you'd help out I can make sometime for you.....that kind of thing. I might wake up one morning and ask my wife ...you feel like making my day for me, then I'll get in the shower we can make out a grocery list and I'll go to the market. She's happy she doesn't have to go and I'm happy because she just made my day! Sometimes she does the same thing to me......

You might say "hey honey, if you could give the kids a bath or at least your 6 yr. old a bath I could then make some time for us" Trust me, as a man this works, especially if I think I'm fixing to get some...LOL....Funny but it's true!

I do want to add though that my mom did raise me right and I'm also ex. military so not keeping a clean house in and or outside and taking care of the kids is not really something I let go. I do laundry, fold clothes, cook some great recipes, clean etc....if I cook my wife usually cleans up and if she cooks I usually clean up......I love cooking for the family, I get satisfaction knowing that they enjoyed something I did......

I think if you slowly groom your man into doing things by using sex though not being obvious about it you will accomplish more then you think. Then he's getting not only sex but in a willingness way from you which satisfies his need for love......Then he's happy and your happy too! Hope this helps!

Cathy - posted on 12/17/2012

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with you. I just think that if you try to give it to him. He would help you out in the house a little bit more. Men are difficult. You have to give in first then they would actually help out. I wish my husband would always give it to me but it's the opposite LOL!

Heather - posted on 12/17/2012

reverse the guilt trip, let him know he sounds very selfish and doesn't make you feel worthwile or like he even cares how you feel physically or emotionally. Remind him you are not the man of the house and shouldn't be run ragged everyday. And yes, if he has soooo much stamina he should help out with things then, maybe you wouldn't be so tired and could have sex. And last, you shouldn't have to beg him to romance you, remind him of that. That's not a huge request. Sex is part of love just as romance is, and if he can't...or refuses to show any romance/love/care...then let him know it simply doesn't make you as interested in sex.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/16/2012

I know that when I am really tired and have work to do, sex gives me the energy to do it. Just a thought. My man is the same way, right now he is going nuts because i just had a med procudire and we can't do anything and i can tell his mood is differnt. Like the one mom said sometimes just lay there and let him do all the work and have his quickie if that helps then just do it.

Shell - posted on 12/14/2012

My hubby needs more sex than I do. Sometimes I will just let him "bend me over", he is happier and funner to be around and it only took about 5 minutes out of my day =) LOL And then when we do connect under the covers (or wherever).... he really works hard to make sure that he takes care of me!!

And to be sure... I do that FOR my husband NOT because he gets mad at me if I don't. That is total BS.

Adriana - posted on 12/13/2012

Maybe if you would spend some time together, doing things that you both used to enjoy before having the kids, you would get into a romantic mood. Maybe, from time to time you could leave the kids, during the night at the kindergarden, with their grandparents, or with the babysitter. You may also use some vacation. I wish you the best in your marriage!

Adriana

MaryAnn - posted on 12/13/2012

You are absolutely right, If they want something they have to give something, they are just expected to go out and work thats it, we go out work and come home and work some more, after that we are so drained, but maybe if he bought dinner one night and had the house cleaned kids in bed and some wine a hot bubble bath, that might help. Its not you, men need to step up they have it way to easy. Good luck

Patricia - posted on 12/12/2012

I know with my Husband he says it is a stress reliever for him. I know for me it is a huge help too if I could get over being tired!! He also says he just functions better with it more often. I know I get treated much better when he does get it so I just make sure to carve out for him. :)

Anita - posted on 12/12/2012

I found after my 2nd child b/w doing house chores & working I had no energy left for sex. We went through a rough patch too cos hubby thought he should be able to get it when he wants it. I ended up getting a book called 'Real sex for Real women'. It suggested for mums like us, that are time poor & don't get alot of time to ourselves, that to get us in the mood we need more alone time. Whether that's 1/2 hr to yourself to do your favourite hobby- go for a walk, read a book, have a nap, a quiet bath, hubby taking the kids for a walk, whatever you like. But you do need to talk with him, sit down quietly & just say, look I'm soo tired that I just don't want sex but if you could help by giving me some time alone & not expecting it aferwards, then you're sex drive will pick up again. Good luck!

Ruby - posted on 12/12/2012

Jillian,

It is very obvious that you are too tired with that 2 jobs and other household works.. While your husband is on the contrary, therefore he has too much energy. Work with him on this, transfer some of the work load on him so that you will have some time and energy, while your husband can also focus his energy into something else..

Patricia - posted on 12/12/2012

You know my Husband I were having this problem and then he just came out and told me look if you just allow us to have sex a little more often I would be willing to do things for you.



I do notice if I withhold for too long he is more short and grumpy with me and less likely to do things I ask. Now if I do give in I get a whole lot in return.



Sometimes I know it might seem like a chore, but if you could go in and take a nice long hot shower, put on something sexy or comfy and nice smelling perfume maybe he likes and just some time to talk that might turn into more. I know it is hard when you have little ones in the house.



Maybe make a date night like the other said.

Gaby - posted on 12/12/2012

Hi Jillian, I'm not reading all the messages posted on this reply...so I don't know if anyone has mentioned this before. I guess it's just bugging me and I need to get it out... The reason you're feeling tired and not really "in the mood"...it's really all your fault. Your lack of committment to your "relationship" (I'm not sure you're actually married...don't really care to know) is what is creating this feeling of "not wanting to be with your husband". You need to stop flirting with your co-worker(s)...flirting is flirting...it's never safe. You may not openly admit it...but the reason you don't want to be with your husband is because you spend a part of your day fantasazing with your co-worker. The fact that you actually flirt with your co-worker (regardless of how harmless you think it is) shows that you are not satisfied with your relationship. Do yourself and your children a favor...you either stop flirting outside your relationship (try flirting with your boyfriend/husband...it's really fun and keeps things interesting) or end your relationship now and move on to someone that will make you happy (for another while until you get bored with him and start flirting again). I am not trying to be mean...but I don't like it when people try to victimize themselves for situations they are causing. You asked for advice...this is mine.

Emelyne - posted on 12/12/2012

this is common, but you are fine, just tired. But, as women we like to feel pampered as well. but part of our job is to please our husband. I had a friend once that experienced the same thing. She is a nurse and was working double shifts because her husband, a contractor was out of work. This became such a problem with her not wanting to be intimate, he began leaving the home and meeting with other old friends, and what happend was he began cheating on her. When we all met to discuss this he stated that she wanted nothing to do with him. So, the most important thing is to communicate. Men like the attention, and wants lots of it. They tend to feel insecure, and sex is their way of feeling wanted and loved. keep strong and take it easy you are every woman remember that. Try to make a special dinner, and se if you can have someone babysit, inorder to discuss both of your needs, then I am sure there will be a compromise. Best of luck!!!

Stephanie - posted on 12/12/2012

Your completely normal! Don't worry. I have a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old, work two jobs and still have to come home and yell at their dad that he's been home all night sitting in his ass and the house is still a mess. Just had this fight last night... Unfortunately. Some men still think that sex is a right, but damnit it's a privilege. I left my partner for not helping. I told him I'd had enough of the guilt trips and being accused of cheating just because we weren't having sex.

Some men need to loose why is most important to them to really understand what's on the line and how they really need to pull their heads out of the clouds.

This may not be an option for you, but it's something to think about. I hope you find some good advice and some stress free time for you:) just remember you are a mommy... And that means STRONG!!!!

Wanda - posted on 12/12/2012

Hi Jillian, Wow! Does that sound like my life! I know just how you feel. I know there is nothing wrong with you except exhaustion. We women do not have the same sex drive, in most cases, as men do. My husband use to do the exact thing to me and I just wanted to cry I was so very tired. The last thing I wanted was someone else touching me after taking care of my two young children. But I also know how amazingly important sex is to men. It means more to them than we, as women, can ever understand. It means, "I love you." and "I still desire you." and "You are still my hero." and so many more things. My husband never did help with the house or the kids and we eventually went to a councilor who told him he really did need to show me that consideration, but he was very selfish and stubborn and eventually we split. But I learned so much about this dynamic in a marriage. I have worked out a better system with my current husband, who pretty much wanted the same thing from me. I had 4 children by then, and I told him I could give him more sex if he didn't expect me to always have an orgasm. Wow, what a breakthrough! He didn't mind that, and he is a very considerate lover, so it took him a while to understand that it wasn't that important to me. Now, even when I am very tired, I know I don't have to work so hard at sex. I just enjoy the physical closeness and he feels loved. Hope this will help. God Bless, Wanda

Sadee - posted on 12/12/2012

Change your behavior and he will change his.

Cristy - posted on 12/12/2012

You are fine. What I do a tell my man if you can't give me what I want ( HELP) then I cannot give you what you want. I do everything...and I mean EVERYTHING. I night I just want to relax. Men think they don't have to do anything. You have to be firm, keep pushing the idea of help. You want it to work out, but your happiness is just as important!

Medi - posted on 12/12/2012

Tell him to start useing his right hand

Cikku - posted on 12/11/2012

I am a man so I guess I can give you the man view on this.



Below almost if not all the replies are the very same that you are not wrong and that the man is wrong - well it could be or could be not but that surely will not improve your relationship.



From a man's point of view, you are 70% in the wrong and 30% he is in the wrong.



He is in the wrong because he does not help around the house. If he works the same hours as you do your outside home jobs, then he should. At any rate I do it.



You are 70% wrong regarding not wanting sex. Sex for a man is very important, high up there as near loving your partner and both of these are as important as the children if not more for a man. Before you tell me that you love him like the sun, for a man, love and sex are two completely different things and we need both of them in high amounts. Seriously two times a week is too few times for a man and sex grumbling from a man could like to much worse relationship complications.



Do you really both of you need to work so much? I mean is it a need due to debts or more like a luxury like more money to go abroad in summer?



It is not like you are wrong but women in general think that way which opens up adultery and cheating on the men's part, which is bad anyway but expected. Just so you know, a man's brain tends to fry up the more without sex they go, shamefully, after a week I am already below the 70% though pattern in my brain.

Misty - posted on 12/11/2012

Tell him to put you in the mood he needs to help out with the kids and the house more. 2 P/T jobs equal a F/T one. Handling the kids and household chores should be split down the middle. He is being lazy because he has gotten away with it thus far, relations(hips) are a two way street and he needs to see that.

Misty - posted on 12/11/2012

Tell him to put you in the mood he needs to help out with the kids and the house more. 2 P/T jobs equal a F/T one. Handling the kids and household chores should be split down the middle. He is being lazy because he has gotten away with it thus far, relations(hips) are a two way street and he needs to see that.

Kizzy - posted on 12/11/2012

My husband and I run a marriage workshop at our church and the thing that saves our marriages is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. both of you read it and let me know how it goes!

Sylvia - posted on 12/11/2012

There is nothing wrong with you. But you both have to change,Your should begin to think of way to satisfy your husband's needs and your own as well. Women also need more sex than they are getting, they just don't acknowledge it. Men do need a lot of sex and they can get right into it without any foreplay or romance, So the thing is to find a happy medium. Men don't like to be nagged at. Women like to feel appreciated. Ask your man to help you with some thing around the house and if you get a negative response whisper in his ear what you will do to him "sexually" when you get him into the bedroom, even if you don't feel like it and you will see a smile come on his face, He will begin to respond to you and thing will begin to change. Then at some point but not that night, maybe a few days later, the both of you can sit down and talk about the things that are bothering you both. Only take on one thing at a time with your man. Battles are won one at a time. Also during the day text your man short reminders of the things that happened during your sex together. One sentence will do the trick. It will give him something to look forward to and it will help put you in the mood.

Angela - posted on 12/11/2012

Hi James,

I did not know if that post for me or for Jillian to contact you by email. If it would help you, my name is Angie (You).

Tonja - posted on 12/11/2012

Jillian you are so precious. You are busy working full-time caring for the kids, working full-time with 2 part-time jobs, and working full-time cooking, cleaning, and pleasing hubby. There is nothing wrong with you at all other than you are very giving and loving towards your family. Your husband is being selfish. You can't tell him this because you are too close to him. This must be told to him by a male that is close to the both of you that he respects and admires. He will be able to receive it as long as you are not around. It has to be told to him in a way that will help him understand that he could loose everything if he doesn't start engaging in helping you around the house and with the kids more often. He can't expect to make withdrawals from you if he isn't making any deposits all day long and therefore he has no right to make you feel guilty. If anything he needs to feel guilty.