Husband took my son in for a haircut w/out me knowing - what would you do?

Diedre - posted on 02/21/2009

Of course it's upsetting - your husband and his parents made a decision about your child and went behind your back.  Your husband is entitled to make decisions regarding his child, but it was very immature of him to take his parents so it's them against you.  It's not a good precedent to set.  I would sit him down and explain to him that you'll be together long after they're gone and that YOU are his closest family now and he needs to grow up and make decisions WITH you.  And you should stand up and realize that he has a right to have his way sometimes.  It's a partnership.  

Your problem here isn't about hair.  It's about having him grow up.  THAT is why you're upset by the way.  They all worked against you and left you out.  

Amy - posted on 02/21/2009

I guess be grateful! My husband attempted to give our 20 month old a hair cut and it was awful! ended up looking like a mullet. So I had to take him to the barber and cut off all the curls. I was sad but they did grow back!

Claudia - posted on 02/21/2009

Well he could ask, because the parent thing is a two way job, and sounds as if your inlaws are not respecting your space. You should not trip on it because is just hair, but you could let him know how you feel and make sure you tell your in laws you kindly apreciate their concerb on the groomming of your kid but you will love to be asked if they want to do it again... dont fight be nice and move on... is just hair, call thing by its name and be free of guilt... sometimes inlaws dont think somethings are going to bother because they asume its okay.... dont worry be smart say thanks, explain and go on....

Shelly - posted on 02/21/2009

No Jennifer I'm not mean, I have 3 boys and I was praising the days that dad would take the boys to go do any thing he is great about dad and boys day out and they are now 17 & 15.  I'm so tired of listening to moms whine because oh my daddy wants to spend time with THIER children.  Grow up!!!!

Juliana - posted on 02/21/2009

thank him!

User - posted on 02/21/2009

I have four kids, 2 boys & 2 girls, I don't care what my husband does with the boy's hair, but if it were the girls' hair that's a different issue!! That's truley my territory!

Joy - posted on 02/21/2009

i think i would be ok with it. I guess i wouldnt check with my husband if i wanted to cut all our sons hair off either, I would just go and do it. Just explain to your husband that you would have preferred to have taken him in together and could he include you in anything further to do with him. He might have thought he was doing you a favour and doing something nice.

Sarah - posted on 02/20/2009

I completely disagree with most of the replys to this post. I totally agree with Gayle Steele......Of course he should have asked you first!!! My childrens father would never do anything without discussing it with me first not would I, and we have been divorced now for 7 years!!! Everything concerning out children is discussed prior tp any actions taken, from where they shoud go to school down to punishments received for bad behavior. And what's this....Your IN LAWS told you?! Obviously if they had to "break it" to you than your husband knew you would be upset with this as he couldn't muster up the courage to tell you himself!! I would have to assume (and maybe I am wrong) that this been an issue already discussed and disagreed on? I see no other reason why your in-laws would have to tell you if it was not. I once had an issue with this, however, my situation was that I had asked my ex to take the boys to get their haircut cause I had already had a previous work engagement. He decided to take it upon himself and cut their hair himself.....that was the last time I asked him to take the boys to get their hair cuts. Now, at a time where longer hair on a boy is widely accepted and stylish, not to mention the huge steps taken for the stereotypical "only girls have long hair" to be slowly evaporating, I feel this was a huge betrayal. My boys are older than your son, 10 and 12, so now they are free to pick their hairstyle as long as it is in regulation with their Catholic school's limitations and it is kept neat and clean. My oldest loves the long hair and would grow it as long as he could (which I would not have a problem with) but the rules at school require it to not touch thier shirt collars and not be in their eyes. He wears it like that and he looks handsome and takes care of it. My youngest prefers short hair. In the summertime, however, they are free to do with it as they wish.....and yes my youngest had a mohawk all summer and i LOVED IT!! Every couple needs to know when they should give a little and compromise and only you know your spouse, but I feel that going behind your back and doing it anyways was wrong in itself and was especially wrong to involve outside parties to have participated and gotten involved.

Gayle - posted on 02/20/2009

Quoting Bianca:

no u are not over reacting at all!!

my my daughter came home from my inlaws house one weekend with a bowl cut (she looked like a little boy) they for some reason thought her new style was a lot cuter than the gorgeous blonde locks she was starting to grow.

i was furious,and it happened to not be the last time they did it,it happened a few more times after this and i ended up not letting the children visit until they promised to not touch her hair again.

 

OMG!  I would be livid!  Let's all think about that!  How would we feel if it was a little girl instead of a boy? I bet some people would whistle a different tune.  BTW I am taking may little guy to get a "trim" tommorow.  My mom said "get it all cut off!" and my husband responded with " Its our kid and we will do what we want!".  Got to love my man!

Bianca - posted on 02/20/2009

no u are not over reacting at all!!

my my daughter came home from my inlaws house one weekend with a bowl cut (she looked like a little boy) they for some reason thought her new style was a lot cuter than the gorgeous blonde locks she was starting to grow.

i was furious,and it happened to not be the last time they did it,it happened a few more times after this and i ended up not letting the children visit until they promised to not touch her hair again.

Jennifer - posted on 02/20/2009

Quoting Teresa:

It's terrific that your husband didn't cut the hair himself! Hair grows, and between now and the next one, have a talk with your hubbie about your expectations and his! There are more important things to go to the mat about.

Now that is good advice!

Teresa - posted on 02/20/2009

It's terrific that your husband didn't cut the hair himself! Hair grows, and between now and the next one, have a talk with your hubbie about your expectations and his! There are more important things to go to the mat about.

Jennifer - posted on 02/20/2009

Quoting Shelly:

Oh my goodness some of you mothers need to get over your control issues,  He is his father He has every right to take his son for a hair cut.  You need to be on your knees thanking God that he wants to spend one on one time with him... I think your issue is that your in-laws knew before you...get over it.  I keep hearing moms say I wont my child to beable to talk to me about any thing but when our husbands do it with thier parents you get all bent out of shape.  Whats up with that ??  You need to charih the time that they get to spend together how do you think your son's are going to learn how to a productive man in this world??? 

I don't think the OP was looking for an insult, just a little comfort and advice.  You are just mean.

Jennifer - posted on 02/20/2009

I would have been mad as heck! Was dad pushed by the in-laws to do it?



However, what's done is done and it will grow back. Breathe.



I still would have been mad as a hornet!

Beth - posted on 02/20/2009

I would be sooooo mad! My son has long hair, my husband wants me to cut (and so do my in-laws). But he knows that part of this is me not wanting to loose my "baby", so as frustrated as he may be he knows I would flip if he cut my sweet boys hair. My mother-in-law has also let me know that she would not over step her place and damage our relationship. You have a right to be mad, and I believe you should tell them your trust in them has been damaged. Don't be mean but stand your ground on being upset. And I personally think it is a bad thing that your husband would undermine you to his parents, isn't the relationship w/ in-laws delicate enough as is?

Angela - posted on 02/20/2009

I’d probably have been mad too, like your opinion didn’t matter. But then I’d get over it. Just be happy your husband does stuff with his son. It’s just hair.

Katie - posted on 02/20/2009

Thank you everyone.  As the days have gone by I've already forgotten about it...it's in the past and I'm a bit embarassed that I did overreact.  (PMS + quitting smoking = overreacting). 

I appreciate everyone's well thought out answers, what I don't appreciate are those that feel the need to have judged and scolded me.   

Melissa - posted on 02/15/2009

Since it is the second haircut I think you might be overreacting a little. The first one is special and I would agree you could be perturbed about that one. Since you seem to value the curls I would just give him an fyi that next time you would like to be consulted first then let it go. You may do something sometime in regards to the child without talking to him first, would you want him to go off on you? Sometimes as a parents we have to make decisions without consulting that is just reality, although I do agree that ideally parents should be on the same page. As someone said it is a blessing that fathers are more involved than they use to be.

Melinda - posted on 02/15/2009

I'm sure I would have been bent, only because I take pretty much anything my husband does with my kids without me personal. Especially if my in-laws are involved. This isn't a good quality that I posses. I just know that I feel like I'm personally being judge "as not a good enough mother" to get my own sons hair cut. Again, not the best quality, but if that is your case I understand!

Pilar - posted on 02/15/2009

Quoting Katie:

Husband took my son in for a haircut w/out me knowing - what would you do?

So last week my husband took my 20 month son in for a haircut and cut off all his precious hair (this was Sam's 2nd professional haircut). I didn't even know he was going to do it...my mother-in-law is the one who broke the news to me. Needless to say I got very upset that my husband and in-laws decided to cut off my sons hair without talking to me about it. Am I overreacting? Or would you be upset too? (Note: My husband claims that I'm crazy for being so upset)

I have to agree with your husband not to upset you however, I give 100% of freedom to my husband with the kids. As long as he is safe  and no harm which I don't even think about it, is ok. Husbands are important in their lives and don't sweat the small things now - give him some room to feel he did good. We are as "moms" me included so possessive - that is not a good thing... but communication among couples is important. Let him enjoy and bond with his son – fathers are an important part of their lives. So a hair cut – who cares – let him enjoy the time even if the haircut was not to your liking. Hair grows back but bonding if you crash it scars and stays forever….. relax!

Hope that helps!

Pilar

Pilar - posted on 02/15/2009

Quoting Katie:

Husband took my son in for a haircut w/out me knowing - what would you do?

So last week my husband took my 20 month son in for a haircut and cut off all his precious hair (this was Sam's 2nd professional haircut). I didn't even know he was going to do it...my mother-in-law is the one who broke the news to me. Needless to say I got very upset that my husband and in-laws decided to cut off my sons hair without talking to me about it. Am I overreacting? Or would you be upset too? (Note: My husband claims that I'm crazy for being so upset)

I have to agree with your husband not to upset you however, I give 100% of freedom to my husband with the kids. As long as he is safe  and no harm which I don't even think about it, is ok. Husbands are important in their lives and don't sweat the small things now - give him some room to feel he did good. We are as "moms" me included so possessive - that is not a good thing... but communication among couples is important. Let him enjoy and bond with his son – fathers are an important part of their lives. So a hair cut – who cares – let him enjoy the time even if the haircut was not to your liking. Hair grows back but bonding if you crash it scars and stays forever….. relax!

Hope that helps!

Pilar

Amie - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree with Shelly. Whether you like it or not it is his son. It's not a big deal, it's his second hair cut. My own husband makes a lot of the decisions when it comes to our son. It doesn't bother me. Our girls terrify him though, he loves them just the same but when it comes to the father-son relationship, don't interfere. At all! Too many dad's just give up and say whatever because so many mom's have control issues and figure because we had them we should make all the decisions or have some say in them. Well we don't and we can't. Unless dad is not part of the picture. But he is, so don't sweat it, one day there will be something your son and he will do that will really call for you to be upset about I'm sure, until then, leave the small stuff be. Let them bond as father and son.

Gayle - posted on 02/15/2009

Sorry, if I came off sounding like I was controling. SO not the case! I guess I feel differently because my hubby is completely involved with our son. I would not just go and do something with out telling my hubby first. A girl friend of mine came home one day and found out that her boyfriend took thier 1 year old boy and got his ear piericed. I kind of fell back on that memory. She was angry beyond belief. And it is sad that I should have to "be on my knees thanking god" that he wants to spend one on one time with his OWN SON. If he did'nt, I wouldn't be with him.

Pilar - posted on 02/15/2009

Quoting Shelly:

Oh my goodness some of you mothers need to get over your control issues,  He is his father He has every right to take his son for a hair cut.  You need to be on your knees thanking God that he wants to spend one on one time with him... I think your issue is that your in-laws knew before you...get over it.  I keep hearing moms say I wont my child to beable to talk to me about any thing but when our husbands do it with thier parents you get all bent out of shape.  Whats up with that ??  You need to charih the time that they get to spend together how do you think your son's are going to learn how to a productive man in this world??? 

I could not agree with you more - well said :-)  

Pilar
http://pilarwienke.societyskincare.com/P...

April - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree with the father son bonding-my husband buzzed all of my sons hair off without consulting me-my sweet boy anymore-he looked like a little man! he had told my hubby he wanted a haircut "just like daddy's" I was a bit upset, but it was more about me no longer being in control of that- now, I am happy to see my son and his dad or grandpa going to the barber's together!

Noella - posted on 02/15/2009

I think what you need to remember that as mums we are the lucky ones we have so many more bonding moments with our kids dads miss out on a lot because they are doing the right thing and going to work everyday to provide for their families i say its great that he wnted to spend time with his son and that it wasnt his first hair cut so not worth worring about there will be many more much bigger issues to stress over in the future but use this experience as a learning curve for those and remember to talk to each other about your expectations so theres no problems later on. Good luck

Joy - posted on 02/15/2009

I say since it wasn't his first hair cut, don't sweat it.  Like others have said, it was good bonding time with Daddy and at least he took the initiative.  Look at it this way, Moms get all these moments that Daddy's will NEVER share.  Pregnancy, the work of HAVING them, breast feeding, etc.  Daddy's sorta have to find THEIR special moments and I think a boys day at the barber is sweet.  He'll always be Momma's baby though, so no worries :)

Shelly - posted on 02/15/2009

Oh my goodness some of you mothers need to get over your control issues,  He is his father He has every right to take his son for a hair cut.  You need to be on your knees thanking God that he wants to spend one on one time with him... I think your issue is that your in-laws knew before you...get over it.  I keep hearing moms say I wont my child to beable to talk to me about any thing but when our husbands do it with thier parents you get all bent out of shape.  Whats up with that ??  You need to charih the time that they get to spend together how do you think your son's are going to learn how to a productive man in this world??? 

Jenna - posted on 02/15/2009

was it his 1st and did they even keep any hair. i think it would have been nice if he told u he wanted to and could have asked if u wanted to come to. he wouldn't like to miss 1st steps. i would be a little sad i wasn't told or couldn't be there we took our son together for his 1st

Gayle - posted on 02/15/2009

Darn right I would be upset! My son's hair is so thick and curly, beautiful! Did he give a reason for doing it? Was it something that you had expressed strongly that you did not want? I know, hair grows back but still. I come from a family that my grandpa thinks men should not even wear jewerly because it is "sissy". I just believe that some thing start small, like a hair cut and can grow to bigger things. What else is your husband and in laws going to hide from you? My husband and I are very equal when it comes to son, from diaper changing to doctor apts. The other question I have is was he pressured by his parents?

Janette - posted on 02/15/2009

I guess it depends if this is something that you and your husband have discussed previously. (ie, how long to let your son's hair grow) If you've never really talked about it, I agree that its just hair and be glad your husband is taking the initative. I am sure there are lots of Moms who would like to have their husbands do anything with the kids!

Angie - posted on 02/15/2009

If my husband did that, I think I'd give him a hug and kiss for taking the initiative to keep him neat. I agree with the first three posts, sometimes there are times when we just have to let go and let dad do the guy things with our sons. Take a deep breath and realize that he was trying to help out.............

Shannon - posted on 02/15/2009

I ended up cutting my sons hair short last year and my husband was gone training with the military. I didn't think he would be upset, but he was a little. He just said don't cut his hair that much again without talking to me first. I agreed and we have been fine since then! Communication is key and just make sure he knows next time you would like to talk about it first!

Malinda - posted on 02/15/2009

Well, my husband and I do *everything* child related together (even go to all doctor's appointments together) so yes I would be upset, but that's the precedent in our home. I don't know what your relationship is like with your husband, so I can't really say whether or not you're overreacting.



As some thoughts to help you try and see your husband's point of view, maybe your husband didn't think it was a big deal because it wasn't that special First Hair Cut? Perhaps he feels like it's hair and will grow back and isn't a signigicant milestone to lose some of it now?

In any case, I would definitely express how I felt about it and give my husband a chance to do the same. I'm not sure that this would be one of those arguements that lasts for weeks, though.... You may just have to let this go as something that's done and express to him that you would prefer it not happen again.

Wendy - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree with Marj. I think you may be overreacting. I think it is sweet that your husband took your son to get his haircut - a father/son outing. Unless he gave him a mohawk, I don't think it is anything to worry about.......and remember, hair does grow back!!! :)

Lisa - posted on 02/15/2009

Your son's hair will grow back! That is a father/son bonding moment. Let him have it!!

Nothing to get bent out of shape about!

Marj - posted on 02/15/2009

Well, yes it could be overreacting. Remember he is a boy and maybe he felt he did not want his boy looking like a girl. That is if the hair was to long. I do remember that fateful day when I needed to cut the curls off and remember he is a boy and the curls belong on a girl technically. Has the discussion come up and you were ignoring it?? possibly, I do not know. But, look at if from dad's point of view. Possibly he wanted to do the father-son thing of going to the barber, you know they guy thing. there are times when that will take presidence over what mom wants and you can not be angry every time that happens. Well, try not to anyway. It really is a small matter in the big world problems of life.

Remember it did not hurt him or deface him in any way right??? but it in that perspective and look at the bright side, your husband is taking interest in your son. This is something many fathers do not even do, other moms would be happy if dad took them to get a haircut. Right.

Well I will stop not, just think about it.