Husband who acts like a room mate..

Dawn-Marie - posted on 10/30/2009 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I have a husband which is my 3rd. When we met he was a batchelor, no marriages or children he even told my parents he had no intensions on ever getting married. Well, we married and got pregnant right away we always have gotten along until after my daughter was born. Things came to full circle in January I was admitted in th hospital for a nervous breakdown because of us NOT getting along. I had a drug overdose and I admitted myself in a psyc hospital where they diagnosed me bi-polar and depression. NEVER came to see me. He sold the BMW and got a crappy car, booted me from all the band accounts, with held marital assects ect. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly but no emotional support or ANYTHING a true husband would give his wife....I think its MID LIFE CRISIS. Im responsibe for my OWN bills the monies I made on my job are my own stuff like that. I think its time to move on....This isnt a marriage. Views? Suggestions? Hes also the type I can say nothing to because he takes everything and throws it in my face and he makes all the rules, which with him are double standards....He also makes me pay for my own medical care....

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Marcie - posted on 01/23/2014

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I hope you left him. I am married to someone very similar. I pay my own way.. he never has any time for me - treats me like a doormat but thinks if he says "I Love You".. that's all I need. I have the roof over my head, too...... (I pay for the food)... and all my own expenses. He is beyond stingy but has plenty of money for his expensive hobbies or anything HE wants. I got nothing for Xmas. Nothing for our anniversary. And I make sure he has everything HE needs. Twists everything around to make me the "bad" guy........ and offers me the moon but I always get dog poop. Wish I had a quarter for every promise he ever made to me. His charm is wearing thin.. as his bs. If you've already been in treatment for depression ( and he NEVER came to see you?).. Geez........ get the Hell out. I am a pretty strong woman, have my own career, raised 4 kids ( not his), and married the 2nd time at 62. Not sure why I did that except I do get health benefits and there's a pension in my future.. I'm too old to start over. Just hope I outlive him. Those of you who are still young? Get out. You can do it. Be strong.

Hannah - posted on 11/09/2009

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Get the fuck away from him. This is a toxic man. You need to be able to be a good mother to your daughter and for that to work you have to be able to be a happy person. Seriously, yuck. Move out get the divorce get the child support checks (probably more money than he ever gave you before) Do it NOW. He is never going to improve. And waiting for him to see you, pity you, love you is making you insane. Pick up and go you will feel so much better

Kathy - posted on 11/09/2009

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I can tell you from experience, it does not get any better. Was almost in a same situation. I left before the nervous breakdown. I was very very depressed. Tried to talk to my ex about it and he said I will be alright. No support at all. Very emotional abusive relationship. Please leave while you still have your sanity. I promise you things will get better once you leave. There is somebody out there that will treat you like the queen you deserve to be treated. Don't accept anything less. Good Luck!!

Socorro - posted on 11/02/2009

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then get rid of him, he is nothing!!..the way you are telling us the situation, it seems like you can survive on your own...don't you? but if you can't, well, that will all depend on you if you can still bear his presence.

Lisa - posted on 11/02/2009

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what a jerk. you don't need that kind of person in your life. Get rid of him and move on. Life is to short You will find the right man just take your time.

Brandy - posted on 11/02/2009

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Have you guys tried some sort of counseling? Maybe he doesnt actually understand your depression? Maybe it scares him? Either way you both have a baby girl who needs you both and if you guys work it out or not she should be both of your guys main concern. I understand a little about the no support thing and it does get me down but i try and remember I have two healthy beautiful boys who need me and thats more important than anything. But my suggestion is communication!! try and see if he will go with you to see someone because i think there are things that both of you need to work out :) good luck! I hope everything goes good

Cynthia - posted on 11/02/2009

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You no what to do right.. but maybe feel if u do you will be lonley but think of it ur already all alone taking care of the kids, if you don't leave better yourself so when u finally had it you can take care of yourself better

Jennifer - posted on 11/01/2009

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Honey, I think you already answered your own question. But dont rely on others to give an answer to you, stand up for yourself and let your voice be heard, listening to everyone elses can be deafening and confusing.

Charlie - posted on 11/01/2009

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This man sounds TOXIC , i would get out of there quick and find a lawyer to get what is rightfully yours and your child's .

Leigh - posted on 11/01/2009

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Who are u really? What do you really want in this lifetime? Get rid of the negitives & make positive progress to live your life the way you want. Start now, you have a daughter you need to demonstrate the same behaviour too, so that she learns to make better choices in a partner.

Brigitt - posted on 11/01/2009

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no male deserve a female if he made her cry or made her mentally unstable..i have a mental illness of depression,my mother bi-polar..we had a partner that wasnt helping our mental illness..once we havnt been with the guy for awhile ive been feeling like i dont have depression apart from my odd days of having to dealing grumpy kids but hey that's life...what i'm trying to say is your husband don't deserve you.as you are standing on your own feet anyway bout time you do it with out him being under the same roof as you as this aint healthy for your daughter....as she will be suffering more than you at the end of the day...trust me i've been there as a kid and also my kids have been through it now i don't date guys unless someone else got my kids for the night so they dont meet the guys...as i don't want to mess with my kids head no more...

hope my advice helpfull

goodluck

April - posted on 11/01/2009

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If you do decide to get a divorce next time dont go looking for a man let him find you.

Lydia - posted on 11/01/2009

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Ummm...I dont understand why you are still with this guy? Seriously...if the situation is so bad that you actually suffered a nervous breakdown then boot him out (or walk out). He may not hit you but that doesnt mean he isnt abusive - if he emotionally manipulates you into submission that is abuse. If you feel unable to take any action to change your situation then find yourself a support network to help you find the strength you need.

Helen - posted on 11/01/2009

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This man sounds like he still hasn't grown up yet, if the house was yours before the marriage than I would suggest that you tell him to move on, otherwise you need to get out of that marriage asap. Just get your daughter and yourself away from him and let the courts make him pay.

Krissy - posted on 10/31/2009

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I have one word for you DIVORCE. Since this is your third marriage I wouldn't get married again. I would wait a very long time. It seems you pick the wrong kind of man. GOOD LUCK and GOD bless!

Lil - posted on 10/31/2009

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HI You really picked a barstard go and get a good lawyer and start preceedings against him you deserve better than that he is so very selfish he has it in his head he can do what can do what he likes to you so Now is the time to say Stop no more

Make sure you take your medical reports with you to the lawyer and tell

every thin him every thing that has ben happeningl

Lil

Lil - posted on 10/31/2009

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Quoting Dawn-Marie:

Husband who acts like a room mate..

I have a husband which is my 3rd. When we met he was a batchelor, no marriages or children he even told my parents he had no intensions on ever getting married. Well, we married and got pregnant right away we always have gotten along until after my daughter was born. Things came to full circle in January I was admitted in th hospital for a nervous breakdown because of us NOT getting along. I had a drug overdose and I admitted myself in a psyc hospital where they diagnosed me bi-polar and depression. NEVER came to see me. He sold the BMW and got a crappy car, booted me from all the band accounts, with held marital assects ect. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly but no emotional support or ANYTHING a true husband would give his wife....I think its MID LIFE CRISIS. Im responsibe for my OWN bills the monies I made on my job are my own stuff like that. I think its time to move on....This isnt a marriage. Views? Suggestions? Hes also the type I can say nothing to because he takes everything and throws it in my face and he makes all the rules, which with him are double standards....He also makes me pay for my own medical care....


 

Lisa - posted on 10/31/2009

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Let me guess, a little bit of PPD also? Its caused by your unstable bond with your husband, not your baby.. Stop focusing so much on your relationshit with your 3rd and focus on being a mommy and you cannot fail. If you are responsible for all of your own bills and your own medical care, you are already doing it yourself so throw out the trash. Take your beautiful daughter and be the best mommy you can ever be. He is the root of your evil it sounds like and if you purge your life of him you will be able to thrive. Rake him through the coals for alimony and child support :) Your stong, you can make it!

Cassie - posted on 10/31/2009

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I agree that maybe the marriage is over. If you are ok and accepting of this the thing that needs to be worried about which I didn't see much about is your child. No matter what her age is she is effected and will be effected by all of this. You guys split you need to find a way to tolerate each other because now that you have a child even a divorce will not severe your relationship completely. You are always her mother and he is always her father. You said you are taking care of all your things, but who is taking care of her? She needs to be top priority...will can either of you support yourselves and her on your own? You will need to work some arrangement to secure her well being.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I came from a family that sounds a lot like this, but I was lucky that my parents found a common ground eventually and my brother and I were put first. It is going to be hard on all of you...My best friend is fighting for her kids and is states away from them...I see everyday how it tears her apart. She had no choice but to leave them because she was in a violent situation and the courts would not give her the kids...long story short not having her babies breaks her heart everyday...even when she tried to live close to them.

I wish you luck and hope things get better for you.

DENISE - posted on 10/31/2009

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Dawn, I was in a similar situation to you and while I was 6 mos. pregnant I was planning my way out at that time. It appears that your husband is selfish, thoughtless and inconsiderate. My suggestion is that you get out of this abusive relationship and realize that you are not a door-mat. You deserve better than that, get you a real good attorney and divorce him, I hate to say it, but it's time to move on. What he's doing is CRUEL, marriages doesn't have any rules besides the vows you take. The bible says the law is for the lawless, take him to court, get child support and whatever else you can do and get it the legal way. Make sure you show and prove the distress you have been under since the birth of your daughter. Where is your daughter in the midst of this mess?

Tonya - posted on 10/30/2009

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i really appreciate the fact that u r a christian woman and dont get me wrong i know prayer and putting things in Gods hands is seriously important, but NOONE deserves to be a door mat!!! my church made me believe that divorce was out of the question, but sometimes things get so severe the theres no other option...sometimes u just gotta let go...God will fix it if its meant 2 b fixed, but please dont tell someone that it absolutely HAS 2 b one way or else....

Tonya - posted on 10/30/2009

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girl...i got the same problems...a man who gives me no support knowing im "crazy", living by his rules and basically on his time...ive been dealing with it til now, but im finally taking a stand...im not doin it anymore!!! im leaving and if i fall on my face...so be it!!! if ur responsible for all ur own, than why not BE on ur own???

Monica - posted on 10/30/2009

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so maybe he is scared and in self-protective mode. maybe he blames himself because you are unhappy. maybe he is just not good with emotions or communication. who knows, maybe you need to take care of yourself and your daughter and offer to go to counseling. most of all, you need to take care of your daughter and get yourself to a strong and healthy place in your life. my husband and i were both married before and i brought two daughters into the marriage. we handle our own finances and that works for us, because we are equal partners, both giving 100%. most of all counseling would help you get stronger even if he isn't willing right now. find a good counselor and a good church :)

Donna - posted on 10/30/2009

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You are lucky he hasn't left you or your daughter. The fact that he has stayed after you Bi-polar diagnosis says a lot . Most men would leave. This shows he still cares. My best advice is to turn your life over to Jesus and put your marriage in the Lord's Hands! Please get the book "The Power of a Praying Wife".It will change your life and your husbands heart ! God Bless You Honey! It will be alright.Don't give up on your family!

Katie - posted on 10/30/2009

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sounds alot like my marriage but my hubby pays for stuff and then makes me feel bad for it, i suggest for your mental sanity and mostly for your kid you guys seek marriage counseling as we did there wont be any over night changes but if you guys are both willing to make itwork or atleast try and make it work do this, and remember you both have to be commited to it. You have a child now its not just you guys you have to worry about you have to put the kids well being first and if its not a safe envirnment emontionaly of other ways then you need to think really hard on some of your other options like maybe separting. You dont want your daughter growing up thinking that this is how relationships are supposed to be and that its okay and have her end up where you are now. Thats what helps me figure out the right answers you and your husband are the biggest influances and rolmoldes she will ever have. Make sure its a positive one! and put her first and if you both are so unhappy in this union they your kid wont be happy either! Trust me ive been there!

Rebecca - posted on 10/30/2009

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my patner sort of was thurn ing this way one day i was just fed up with feeling like it was all my falt my parnter was the one telling me its all me and its was sending me on to a break down and i believed him then i sat down and thought to meself its not me we both choose this family life we both pay for it! so everytime he went to turn around and go at me i always come back harder and with an explanation of the conversation we having and how it is all him! its all in there head dont for one second stand there and take it i bet you dont feel good after that at all! he has come to the point now he thinks before he says if he wont care for you, you need to tell him how you would like to be treated if he cant fulfill your hopes and dreams go else where causwe someone out there can treat you right hold you head high and you can do anything dont settle for less and setting the rules your a grown woman now the last thing you need is someone telling you what to do its for your best not his!

[deleted account]

I think you should end it. He is your 3rd husband? My mom's also been married 3x, and she's at a point where she's done with men for the rest of her life, unless Mr. Right comes along. She's admitted to being horrible with choosing men.

Jennifer - posted on 10/30/2009

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It is time to move on, I figured that out about my own marrage. and am much happier, so are my three kids!!!

Kelly - posted on 10/30/2009

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oh honey i am sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble. i had an ex that was a better roomat than that. i think that maybe it is time to move on. my husband and i both work and he still spends his money me. we both pay the bills but he would be mad as heck if i said i want to pay my half and you pay yours. trust me i tried that once. he was offended said we work as a tema but not like that. lol the only thing i have to pay for on my own is my internet connection everything else is joint. we dont get along so much anymore but he would never do that. we even talked about just being roomates at one point and it broke his heart. if you need someone to talk to let me know. i totally get what you are going through did go throuigh it once before. but i have a beautiful girl out of the deal and so it was in its own way worth it......(not my current husband.)

Annette - posted on 10/30/2009

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i agree its time for you to move on however if he is a good father you need to work thought somethings so your daughter is not caught in the middle remember she loves mommy and daddy

Kelly - posted on 10/30/2009

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Where is your daughter in all of this? Did he take good care of her while you were in the hospital? You didn't mention anything about what kind of a father he is. It sounds like you are having a terrible time, but it also sounds like maybe both sides could use some work. Did he come around to the idea of wanting a baby by the time she was born? Becoming a parent puts a lot of pressure on someone, especially if they don't want to be a parent. I hope you will both get some help really soon.

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2009

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I'm a little confused. Where is your daughter in all of this? I totally agree it is not a marriage, and you need to get out, but other than mentioning you had a daughter, you said nothing more about her.........

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