I am so alone

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

I am 32,married for the second time. I have a 13yr old from first marriage and my beautiful 10 month old. I divorced my 1st husband when my daughter was 9;he impregnated another....I was fine as a single mom,started all over,new job and all. I met my second husband at work, we dated only two month -boom, I was pregnant! me and my ex tried for years to concieve,so I took this as a sign of"meant to be" After that ring was put on my finger,(3 mos. preggo), he changed. He works 2nd shift, I work days, we only see each other except from 1am-5am,and weekends. sat at noon, he always has to help a friend, then goes to the local bar till 10 pm, Sundays, he sleeps till noon then leaves to play poker with his buddies. I thought he would change when our son was born, but no. Drinks heavily, says to relax him from finacial stress;but beer costs more at a bar. Im lost, hes sooo defensive about it, when I ask him to stay home with us;we are no fun! Do I divorce again??? he came home wanting to fight, and I tried to take my son and go to my moms for the night, and he became physical, I am not happy, so how can I show the happiness of the world to my son? I don't want my daughter to see this and think its ok, she will be dating soon, but I also don't want her to just give up when life is hard, In july we will be married two years, but I havent been happy, and hes not around since I was 3 months pregnant!! We've never been grocery shopping or anything together,serious,never. I dont want to leave the house because it depresses me to see families together, while my husbands at a bar! I don't think he's cheating, just cheating me. He doesnt think hes an alcoholic because he doesnt drink on the weekdays, but he drinks 20+ on sat and sun.Please help, I want to smile again. He says I have the problem, he wont let me have friends, because his ex cheated on him, plus I dont have a baby sitter, he's gone!! I want him to be a husband, i don't want to go out, I just want him to share in our son.he doesnt even know him! maybe he will have to be a dad if I leave, but im afraid he will not cut down on the drinking when my sons around,thats why ive stayed, so i can supervise, so confused, will not admit he has a problem, we have ben sleeping apart for two weeks, im so sad.I want to be a happy mom

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Teresa - posted on 06/19/2011

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i haven't read any of the other responses but this is what i think: you deserve to be happy. That's it. If he isn't maing you feel happy, then something has to change. Maybe you could try marriage counselling, if he'll agree to go. you'll most likely have to talk him into it, by the sounds of how you described him, but if he loves you and wants to make the marriage/family work, tell him, that is probably the only way to start figuring out what you both want. seems like he is unhappy too, and you need to work out the issues.
if that doesn't work, i don't think that leaving him would be the worst option. Especially if he is being violent and controlling. Like i said before: You deserve to be happy, and your children deserve to be happy, and to grow up in a positive and nurturing environment.
i wish you all the best as you try to get to a better place in your relationship. i hope you have someone to talk to in person, too. a good hug is in order!!

Patricia - posted on 06/19/2011

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You have to stick to your guns NOW. He is just starting to turn violent now is the time to either pack him up and change the locks or pack a weeks supplies groceries included and go to your Mom's. If that doesn't wake him up file for a divorce and move on ==you and your children deserve respect the drunk is a little man who can't be trusted= sorry but most men I have known who don't want their ladies to have friends are either messing around or so insecure they will never grow up=they'll drain and abuse everyone else to make themselves feel like a real man. In other words if you're not around someone who might find you a valuable attractive human being he feels just great about your relationship. This is the the time to act make sure you drain the accounts so he doesn't have alcohol money! This will prevent any drunken threats when you're out of his reach!

Nicole - posted on 11/23/2009

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Is it possible to get the kids sat and have a date with him and while your out your not parents but your 2 loving people that chose each other and if all else fails go to your mums and just get on with your life you need to study you and the kids he just hasnt grown up -my husband used to hide in the shed and read all the time to hide from all our troubles so I packed up the kids and moved out for 3 days and things changed but we are really in love with each other -So ask him straight out is he happy with the way things are and if not what can he surgest to change the way things are -cash flow isnt going to change so stay away from the big things...Hope this helps

Sonia - posted on 11/21/2009

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get out an get out now!! thats easier 4 me 2 say becouse i am not u but u have 2 set an example for ur daughter its the 21st century and an equal world every one has the right 2 friends next time he leaves 2 go 2 the pub leave with ur chlidren and dont come back until he comes looking 4 u! and thas if he does come looking! i feel 4 u!!

Keylee - posted on 11/21/2009

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Take the kids and go to your moms, make him think you are leaving him....big word *think* you are leaving him. Then when he comes around and finally asks what can he do to have his family back then tell him everything from top to bottom. Tell you want to be able to raise a family in a happy home not a reckless one. Ask him if he wants his son to behave the same way that he is. It will be hard but you've gotta be a cold hearted bitch trust me I know from experience and tell ya what since then my hubby only has 6 a night which is after 5pm and sometimes he doesn't even have all 6. I stayed at my moms for about 3 nights and when he decided to act out and start it up again I kicked him out of our house. I told him that was it and I had the locks changed and threatened to call the cops if he didn't leave. It is a really really hard thing to do but if you love him and you want to try your best to make things work then you've gotta be tough. It took 2 weeks for him to finally straighten up and has been for the past 2 years. I am so grateful that I did what I did. I really honestly hope this helps.

Lucy - posted on 11/21/2009

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it must be horrible, but I have to say I think the hard line is all that is left to you. I would usually always recommend trying couples counselling, but it can only work for relationships that started with a good grounding then run into trouble, it sounds like your relationship barely even got started before the problems did, so there are no real foundations for you to save. From what you say you have clearly told him how you feel and tried to talk it through, but if he is not prepared to deal with his alcoholism and immaturity you can't do it for him and you know you and your kids deserve better. It sounds like you are lucky enough to have a supportive mum who is probably just waiting to open her home to you and her grandkids whilst you find your feet. As for the message you are passing on to your daughter, there is a difference between giving up and moving on with your life in a positive way. Good luck hon.

[deleted account]

I have to agree with Sarah on this. Give him the ultimatum...if he doesn't comply, then you take the children and leave. You may still love him, but you can't fix him. He has to want this or he'll never change.

I have been married 3 times and I am truly happy now. First hubby was an alcoholic and still is (left him in 1985). He lost his wife, his children, and he has never met any of his 6 grandchildren. He's still the same man I knew. Life is too short.

Sarah - posted on 11/21/2009

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I think you need to say loud and clear. BUDDY YOU NEED HELP, and Noone can make you get it, if you choice to take help that is offered to you, then I will be here to support you. You are damaging our children and I will not stand by and let it happen, if you feel that alcohol is your priority over your family. Then we will Leave you to drown in it. If we are what you need and want then step up and be the man you promised to be, and the father you need to be. and if he refuses treatment you leave. It sounds like a simlified approach but I am not dumming it down. with Addicts you have to be blunt strong and you have to do what you say if you say you are going to leave if he does not presue help then you have to do it. or he will never change. and you can not go back until they has recieved help. I dont want to tell you that leaving is the right decision but once the refusal of help is there its the only decision.

I come from a family with a drinking history. And you know the corny thing about you have to want help it is true. My grandmother wanted to clean up and did and has been for like 30 years or close to anyways. and My mothers x boyfriend refused help... or played the systems said he was getting help and wasnt drinking so my mother would keep him all the while drinking and litterally walking to my moms house telling her he was sober and on his walk two doors down he put his beer in the snow as to pick it up and finish it for the walk home. to drunk to remember it there though.

Anyways My hopes are for you and your family to be able to support this individual as best possible, but your self and your children come first.

Cyndy - posted on 11/21/2009

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Couples counseling does help!! And if you ever do get your man to counseling and you end up staying with him, have your children go to a child psychologist for counseling as well. Your daughter may be experiencing problems now that will come out in later years(like a fear or hatred of men) but then she may end up having the same relationships as you do. Think about it! Please leave this man if the abuse gets worse or unable to bare. Don't be a statistic. I've been happily married for 16.5 years (as step-parents) and without counseling throughout the years we would have never made it this far. It really does help. Take care of yourself and your family.

Amber - posted on 11/20/2009

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Hi hon, im feelin you. U r feeling this way because u want things another way, a better way and theres nothing wrong with it. But in life we have to figure out how to be happy with wat we have. Mums deal with it everyday. I guess and i knw u guess it everyday that u just have to look on the bright side of life! A nd it would help if you stop looking at wat ui dnt have and satrt looking at what u do have because u dont knw that other families that are shopping together havent got problems, becos of course they do.
Like i said, we always want or desire wat we dont have until we get it and then its as if, oh we want something new. What u r feeling is totally normal. Number two, u married him so try loving him and fogiving him, living with that touch of hatred makes things worse, just go and give him a hug even if it kills you, tell him how you feel softly telling him u want to make things better n u wanna start by doing things together that will give u happy memories. If he doesnt want to make those happy memories with you.. then, u knw the answer.. happyness will not be found through him!

Good luck with it all..and dont be a depressd mummy, no mummy is perfect as loong as we are there for them.. and you are.. so love yourself!! The key to being happy and attracting positive things in life is loving you and letting go of the past! When u fall down get back up again :)

[deleted account]

maybe try couple councelling.. i know its all like "in the movies", but maybe if he really means so much to you and you dont wanna lose the man you fell in love with completely, try it. or threaten to leave if he doesnt change. i know threatning sounds "stupid" but sometimes it works, maybe its wat he needs to hear to realise your not gonna stick around if he is going to continue being a jerk n never spending quality time with you. your his family n you need to be FIRST on his priority list.
i hope you get thru this darl, n keep your chin up, never let anybody steal your smile.

Jennifer - posted on 11/20/2009

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you deserve better! and you will do better on your own! and your daughter and son both deserve a happy mum and a happy house! Just one thing........make sure you document the drinking so that when it comes time for him to try and get custody you've got some solid ammunition for the courts - you'll be a nervous wreck the first time your little boy goes off with him alone. And don't go through this alone, speak to a counsellor or your doctor as well as your friends. Stay strong and you'll find your smile once you get out of that unhappy house. And please please don't confront him when he's been drinking - get the kids out to your mothers or another safe place and then speak to him on a sober day.

Anu - posted on 11/20/2009

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I am sorry, this must be so hard. A friend is going through the same thing. There is lots of drinking and not really any participation in child rearing. She is pulling the trigger because he is just absent and kids don't really want to interact with him. She left work to be home with the kids but now has to go back to work. Good luck.

Alicia - posted on 11/19/2009

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I agree, him becoming physical is NOT acceptable, at all... no matter what. I think marriage counseling would be the best step now if you want to try to save it, but if hes not willing to put in his part to make this work, than honestly you're best off keeping yourself safe, and most importantly your children safe, and leaving... because honestly theres no saying the next time hes in one of his "moods" it may not be your son or daughter on the receiving end.. .alcohol changes people. Good luck, I really hope you can find a way to find yourself and your happiness again. I'll pray for you and your family and if you'd like you can add me and we could chat if you just need someone to talk to... (dont feel bad not accepting the invitation if you dont want to, but wanted to make support avail.)

Marie - posted on 11/19/2009

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You dont deserve to be treated that way. Tell him honestly how you feel and that things cant continue the way they have been. Tell him your not happy but make sure he knows that you would be if he could just make time for his family. If you want to make it work you could look into therapy, if your intrested and hes not make sure he realizes it could be the only thing that saves your marriage. Also it is NOT ok for him to become physical EVER! And your right its not good for your daughter to see, as well as your son. I hope you can work things out and be the happy family you want but if not you and your children deserve better.

[deleted account]

I did marry him too fast, his family is very religious so I felt pressured, all the meant to be crap was overload of preggo hormones! He still acts single, if im gonna be alone, then I want to be with out tip toeing around his drunken moods. he only touches me when hes in the mood, and only talks to me around payday and bills! I looked at fb pics and i dont smile anymore, everyone is noticing, I cant hide anymore.

Kate CP - posted on 11/19/2009

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He's an alcoholic and needs help. Get your children together and move out to a safe place. I, personally, think you REALLY jumped the gun by marrying him to fast. You didn't really know him when you got married. He needs help and you need a safe place to raise your kids.

Danyella - posted on 11/19/2009

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Oh sweetie, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. But from what I've read here, if I were you, I would divorce him and move on. As you said, you don't want your daughter to think this kind of behavior from a man is okay. You can do bad enough on your own. If you're already feeling alone and he does all this stuff, it might be good to start all over. It'll be tough, but think of your self-worth and dignity that he's taking away with each passing day and beer. How much is enough? The man is an alcoholic. You can't make him be what you really want. He's controlling, putting hands on you, and isolating you from others, that's not a good thing. This all could lead to something horrible. Think of your children. Pack up as much stuff as you can and leave to your mom's or a women's safe haven. Don't let him do this to you!!

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