I do not want my mother-in-law babysitting my 8 month old. Advice?

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012 ( 49 moms have responded )

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Although I was very uncomfortable with it I allowed my MIL to babysit and it saw a dissaster! She told me she showed him her breasts to make him feel comforted since he cried the whole time I was out at a movie with my hubby. She also gave him iced tea from her cup and put him in his crib to cry when she knows we dont cry it out. Yes, she told me this. Now keeps bringing up watching him again. I dont want to cause a war but I just dont want her alone with him ever. What should I do?! Plz help.

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Lacye - posted on 07/27/2012

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Nicole, I'm going to put this very bluntly:

He's your son. If your husband isn't willing to stand up for yall's child, BE a crazy bitch! Somebody has to put their foot down and if he's not willing to do that in order to spare his family's feelings, then you are going to have to play the devil's advocate and do it. Your son can't speak for himself. Only you can do it for him.

Kathleen - posted on 07/29/2012

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We set rules with both my mom & my MIL. There wasn't any exception to them. Both my husband and I explained that THIS is how we're doing things & we would like it if they followed our examples. My mom was cool about it, but my MIL would always have some kind of comment /excuse. Unfortunately one day both she and my sister-in-law caught me when I hadn't slept & was less than happy that we had company yet again. When I saw my MIL letting my daughter drink from her cup I simply said "you know, we don't let her drink from our cups, and she IS NOT to drink from yours, she has her own." My tone made it very clear is wasn't up for discussion. When my sister-in-law rolled her eyes I finished up with "it isn't up to you two to decide what and how we do things. We've always asked, now I'm telling. Respect what we're doing". It didn't go over well, however, it had to be done. My MIL went along, but my SIL always gave me problems. We finally told her she could no longer babysit. If my MIL or SIL, or any other babysitter showed my child their breasts, they wouldn't be welcome in my house any longer. Period. That is completely out of line. I found with experience, if you don't set boundaries with family, they will continue to push. I would also include your husband in the discussion. I originally felt it wasn't my place to speak to my MIL & SIL because they're just that; in-laws. My husband did speak to them, but he's kind of a softy. When he finally understood just how mad I was, he quickly set up a family meeting. Good luck to you and stay strong.

Paula - posted on 07/29/2012

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WoW, I think most parents these days seem to quite ott about their demands and what they will and won't accept from their immediate family. Wow! I think mostly you all come across as over protective. Children with more variation usually end up less judgemental and more approachable within society as adults :)

Julie - posted on 07/28/2012

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Sharlene, that's not entirely true, unfortunately... if the point of infection was originally transmitted via the mouth (we can use our imagination as to how that would have occurred, ahem), then she could pass it orally. Also if she has a cut in the mouth and there is some blood transmission during a flare-up "down under"... it's not as likely, but unless you know how she caught it and where that initial flare-up occurred, or are sure she never bites her lip, etc... yeah, I wouldn't have her share her drinks with an 8 month old baby... either way, for all those other reasons you mentioned, I would not feel comfortable leaving a child with anyone whose choice-making abilities are so dubious...

TOY - posted on 07/28/2012

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WOW! As a 1st time Grandma myself it means the world to babysit my 16 month old granddaughter! I Honor & Respect both my Son & Daughter-in-Law as they make choices on how they want My Granddaughter raised! That doesn't mean I agree with every choice they make, or believe that every decision is the right one. I know they would never do anything to harm their Baby Girl. So, when they ask me to do things their way I am happy to! I have no problem not smoking in home or car when my grandbaby is with me, in fact for the first 3-4 months if you smoked you had to change your shirt before holding my grandbaby. I also follow thier wishes when it comes to Sugar, Sodas. It is healthy for infants to cry SOME, it helps develop their lungs, that being said if my grandbaby was to cry for 15 mins or more and I have checked & done everything possible to comfort her and there is no apperent reason for her crying I wshould be texting/calling her mom so fast to let her know & ask her if she has an idea I could try till she got home .I dont understand the showing the boob thing even if your baby is breastfeeding that makes it weird & mean to me. Ya'll need to have sit down with her & explain to her if she wants babysit again she will have to agree to honor your wishes even if she disagrees with your choices. My parents showed me by example how to be the Best Grandma I can.

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Nicole - posted on 08/06/2012

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@ jeannie Thank you for your response. I do know that although she is completely wacko she is my sons grandma and she loves him very much so knowing this I keep the peace. She happens to be quite permiscuous so I dont feel Im being over the top with any fear of my son being transmitted an STD especially in this day and age. I know so many ppl who have it and I personally dont swap germs with ANYBODY except my husband. When I was a baby my mom got an infection in her breast while breastfeeding me and asked my aunt to nurse me. I dont think there is anything weird or perverted about that and I feel very connected to my late aunt because of knowing she shared that with me. My MIL on the other hand is no lactating woman and was never given permission to sooth my son with her breasts which didnt btw b/c she said he was hysterical the whole time.(I mean, why would it) I think she may not have been trying to be deviant but she is also not the most trustworthy person either. My mom later babysat for him and he did just fine as I think he has a differant bond with her. I think I will just tell her Im only going to let my mom watch him until he gets a little older and understands better that I'm coming back. I do think if t comes to it I will tell my husband he must explain to her how we feel about her behavior.

Jeannie - posted on 07/30/2012

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BTW Years ago I had a friend who was a real nature type. She had several kids and nursed them all. Had she been around in the 60's, we would have called her a hippie. She had 3 sisters, all pretty much the same, all with several babies. Anyway, one time she left her kids with one of her sisters for quite a long time. Since she nursed on demand, it became an issue for the sister that was sitting. So, she finally decided to nurse the baby as it wouldn't take a bottle. At first my friend was a little put off by this. But after a long talk, they both thought how silly. Women use to do this. They both were vegetarians anyway, so soon it became common for all the sisters to leave kids back and forth and they all nursed each others babies. Let me tell you, these moms and kids were very bonded. I thought about this when you mentioned your MIL bared her breast. Perhaps there was more to it. Maybe she tried to nurse your baby, thinking it would be like giving a pacifier. I am not saying it was right, but maybe it wasn't as odd as you think. l I would never have done it, but I think there was more to this incident than you know.

Jeannie - posted on 07/30/2012

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Nicole. Your MIL CAN be a lot of support to you. I never had one, but am one. I don't think grandparents should be used as babysitters. Make friends that you can trade sitting with. Then arrange very short times to leave your kiddos with her. Spell out exactly what your rules are. If she doesn't follow them, don't let baby visit her for a while. If she asks why, be honest but kind. Tell her some of her ideas about childrearing concern you. Be specific. Saying you don't do things the way I prefer won't help her support you. Say " I am shocked that you would bare your breasts", or I never let the baby cry it out. Then she will either adapt, or withhold information (lie) to you. So as I said, don't use gparents to babysit. Short visits. I think you will find some of the same problems with friends who babysit for you. But you won't make it so personal as you would with MIL. If you never hire MIL as a babysitter, you never have to fire her. You didn't mention 'herpes' so this sounds like hysteria of young mother's fears. And statistically, it is the young mom's generation that has a much higher rate of STDs than your MILs.

Jeannie - posted on 07/30/2012

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Because of the increase of oral sex, herpes now can be anywhere, so the oral ones may very well be what we use to call STD.

Genny - posted on 07/30/2012

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Don't play games with MIL. She's nuts. What grandmother shows her breasts to an 8 mt.old? Follow your Mommy instints, they already told you that u were uncomfortable, you should have listened! DON'T DO IT ANYMORE. U will figure it out.

Deepu - posted on 07/30/2012

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Best thing is to talk to her politely and tell her you are not comfortable with what she did (offering her breast,which is absurd.and iced tea).next time please ensure that you prepare your son's food before you go and inform her what to give when and where is it kept, in that way she does not have to try her methods of food.

Please note since she is family,the intentions wouldn't be wrong and you can always take a break and these time can be utilized for the grandmother to bond with her gson and you with your husband.

Paula - posted on 07/30/2012

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I think that in many cases actions are misguided only, I doubt there is much malice involved, I think even though it sounds nuts that your Mil showed her breasts, I thinks she was genuinely trying to help. Don't forget that in the past when families and communities all helped raise the children, other women would have breast fed your baby. It is human nature to share, I think that is the saddest part of reading all these replies, everyone is so ready to vilify the actions of the family members.

Kimberly - posted on 07/30/2012

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Nicole, there are all types of behaviors. Your MIL was inappropriate with her care of your son. The fact that your husband refuses to discuss the issue and concerns with you leads one to believe that his adolescence was most likely the same way. He may see nothing wrong with her actions and does not want to upset you. I would remain respectful towards your MIL and if you need a sitter, hire one. If MIL asks if she can watch your son, politely say you already have someone watching him. Should the issue proceed then by all means tell her you don't feel comfortable with the way she cared for him and you have expectations for his upbringing that you would like followed. No need to bring up the other issues, just state the facts. :)

Stifler's - posted on 07/29/2012

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My MIL does things I don't like or whatever but I let it go (same with my parents) for one day like staying up later than usual, eating ice cream before bed, etc. She doesn't show the kids her boobs though wtf.

Stifler's - posted on 07/29/2012

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Tell her when she gets some fucking common sense she can babysit again. What a whacko.

Brianna - posted on 07/29/2012

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she showed him her breast!? wtf lol that is really really weird. i dont like my inlaws babysitting either they dont listen to my wishes at all exspecially when food allergies run in my family and i said dont feed her certain foods until shes so old ect. and they feed her bad things anyways! they also dont supervise her very well and let he do unsafe things. they tell me they want to babysit all the time but i just say next time, or make some sort of excuse lol i let my mom babysit all the time i just dont tell them my mom is babysitting. just try to avoid the subject.

Reba - posted on 07/29/2012

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It is worth the war, if it comes to that. My daughter breast fed my grandson, but I would NEVER show him my breasts if he were crying. Tell her flatly that her behavior was totally inappropriate, borderline illegal and that for that reason she will not be babysitting for you again.

KATY - posted on 07/29/2012

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Yes you chose to marrie your husband despite his family but you still get to choose to teach your children that despite loving the rest of your family, you are not ok with some of their choices.

Kelly - posted on 07/29/2012

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Nicole, its hard to leave your baby with anyone and takes alot of trust; its especially hard to find someone to things the way that you do, and mostly thats not possible BUT you have to be comfortable in knowing that even though people who watch your baby may do things differently, they are still operating in the best interests of your little one. That being said, first maybe you should have a talk with your husband so that you are both on the same page. How did he feel when you shared this information with him? Its obvious that MIL is not yet ready and though you don't want to cause confusion, its your baby. You have to know that the person that you leave your child with has an idea of what is appropriate. Maybe your husband should be the one to talk to you his mom.

Brandy - posted on 07/29/2012

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I can't trust my mom to watch my daughter. She's bi-polar, depressed, and doesn't actually watch her(she leaves my neices 4 and 5 in the pool while she goes inside and lets them go outside by themselves), just lets her do what she wants, eat candy and junk all day instead of real food, and smokes around her. So I never let her know if I need a sitter or not. She knows how I feel about these things and doesn't seem to care, so I never give her the chance to offer her babysitting services. I do take her to my mom's but I never leave her unattended. I know her feelings get hurt that I let my exes mom watch her ALL the time--I even drive 1 1/2 hours out of the way for her to watch her, but that's what she gets for not following my rules. I'm not going to let her risk my 3 y/o life because she got her feelings hurt. Tell your MIL how you feel and if she wants to be a drama queen about it don't let her see your son. Also your husband should support you on this 100% and since its HIS family--he should be telling her this. Whether he likes it or not. Good luck

Sharlene - posted on 07/28/2012

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@ Julia , you raise a good point there. However very unlikely, not impossible, just unlikely.

Michele - posted on 07/28/2012

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Cause a war! You are totally well within your rights to do so! Hell no would be the actual answer that would come from my mouth to whomever would suggest that again, and I would not give a care in the world if it was right to her face! She sounds like a complete moron, and I would have let her know point blank how inappropriately she acted while babysitting and that it sounds like she's the one who needs a sitter not the one who should be doing the "sitting"
No never again and who ever doesn't like it that's just to damn bad!

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

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Not realizing she has herpes, I could see why you'd have a problem with her sharing a drink. I thought your issue was caffeine, which I get, I didn't have to worry about it because my daughter drank only milk or water up until she was 12. However, your rules need to be respected. If she can't respect your rules, she's not respecting any aspect of your life, I'd still not let her babysit. I hope she gets some help

Dove - posted on 07/27/2012

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Keep that baby away from that woman! There's all kinds of things I could post about, but not one of them would be very nice. Try to be civilized if you can, but if not.... start a war if that's what it takes.

Sharlene - posted on 07/27/2012

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@Nicole, the other is called Oral herpes and it's a viral disease. infected person with cold sore or fever blisters on face or mouth only. Well I'm glad you got all that Bullshit of your chest lol. Let us know the outcome. take care.

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012

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I didnt know that and feel soooo much better. I hate feeling like my heads going to explode everytime she sticks food in his mouth. I hate to sound like a germ- a -phobe. I'm going to have to confront her but I wish my husband would just do it. He never speaks up to them and then I have to be the crazy B.

Krista - posted on 07/27/2012

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Julie A., I just spit iced tea through my nose after reading your comment.

Sharlene - posted on 07/27/2012

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The other type of herpes genital is only sexual transmitted through sexual contact. But still I would not advise the MIL not to be sharing her drinking with your son.

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012

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The other one. But no, it isn't just his mom. His family is just so hard to even explain. Very innapropriate is the best way to describe.

Julie - posted on 07/27/2012

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So it's not just his mom? When you say she has herpes, do you mean the strain that gives cold sores that most people carry, or... the OTHER herpes?

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012

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I knew my hubby's family was lacking in morals. I knew way long ago if I married him one day there may be an issue regarding my future children but I still married him and had a child. You dont really know how crazy youll be over your kids til they come in the world and you look in there eyes. I want to protect him but I also dont want him to think negatively about his family. It's going to be tough balancing his life when it comes to this.

Julie - posted on 07/27/2012

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How about "I prefer my 8 month old son not to be screaming his head off alone in a cot, hopped up on caffeine and sugar while having to stare at his grandmother's norks." :P

Julie - posted on 07/27/2012

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You can always reply with a non-commital "We'll let you know when we're ready"?

Sharlene - posted on 07/27/2012

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@Nicole, I can only say that is not NORMAL behavior for adult. I also had the same problem with people and other kids sharing drinks foods with my children as well . I hope it works out with your MIL differences. good luck

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012

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No you arent. Its horrible how disrespectful that is. She doesnt know that I know but I do. either way i feel if I did I would be very careful of my germs.

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012

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I think sometimes she thinks shes a behavioral psychologist or something. Seriously.

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012

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I just have a problem with ppl trying to share drinks with him/ putting their fingers in his mouth when they know they are a carrier of herpes. Its just such an uncomfortable situation and she is very hard to communicate with b/c 1/2 the time she's lying.

Nicole - posted on 07/27/2012

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He doesnt want to talk about it but says he understands why I dont want her babysitting.

Lacye - posted on 07/27/2012

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How exactly was her BOOB supposed to calm your son down? I'm sorry but that is disturbing. For that reason alone I would not allow her to watch my child. Her giving him the tea was pretty bad but I just can't seem to wrap my head around the boob thing.

Sharlene - posted on 07/27/2012

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Sorry but that behavior from you MIL, is unacceptable and if it was me she would never be aloud back in my house I'm not saying to brush her off but that is not NORMAL . What has your hubby said about all of this ???????

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

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I'd be okay with causing a war, but don't do it unless your husband is willing to back you up.
I literally had to leave Oregon because I had to protect my kid from my step mother, I'd have gone to Iowa if I'd been able to. My step mother has since passed, and most of my siblings want me to return to Oregon, but there are a few I don't wish to be around, so I won't.
Perhaps you should simply tell MIL that she's not going to babysit again until the child is much older.
I wouldn't have gotten upset about giving the child iced tea, but you're the parent, if you'd said he can't have whatever, I need to respect it. Wether the child is allergic, you have religious reasons, or it's just not good for him isn't the issue, the issue is, it's your rule.
Personally, it sounds like your MIL is a little off, but what do I know. If you feel like she's in danger, you can handle it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/27/2012

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BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! i am sorry, but she showed him her boob!?!?! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry, totally inappropriate to laugh. I would be pissed as hell too. I would not let her babysit until she knows how to follow your rules. Or just tell her, no we already have a sitter. I would try to be around her with your baby plenty though, and show her how you behave.

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