I don't get it...

Angie - posted on 02/15/2009

I've read through some of the replies. I don't think Melissa was saying at every little whimper of your child to drop everything and run. You have to spend time to get to know your kids. And as a mother, you do learn that your baby has different "cries" for things that are bothering them. My kids are 9 and 17 now and at no time would I not give them a hug or a kiss when they want it, but if it's time for the 9 year old to go to bed, and all of a sudden she comes up with a million things she needs to do or tell me about and she's been home all afternoon to do these things, yes, I will go ahead and send her to bed and tell her to tell me in the morning! You know as a parent when your kids need you and when they are trying to avoid what they should be doing!

ADJ - posted on 02/15/2009

Quoting Jessica:

I apologize ahead of time if this offends anyone!
This topic is getting really out of control. Inconvenienced as moms? Are we kidding here?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but somehow I get the feeling that this post was put up to discourage mothers who do allow their children to cry it out, as if we're monsters or something, and have no idea what we're doing. I'm sick of psychiatrists and other people telling me how I should raise my children.
There is a VERY big difference when it comes to letting a baby cry it out at bedtime, and letting them do it during the day. I let my daughter cry it out when it was time for bed. I did not sit there and let her scream hysterically, and I did not ignore her. I would go into the room every minute or so, this way she would know I was still there. However, bedtime is bedtime, and EVERY child benefits from a routine, as well as the family as a whole. When my daughter comes up to me and cries, I pick her up. I do not let her sit there and cry, because obviously there is something wrong. I don't ignore her just so I can get the dishes done or mop the floor. This idea has been taken a bit out of context. But when it's bedtime, and she's changed and fed, I KNOW why she's crying and fussing...because she doesn't want to go to sleep! Unless she is sick, I don't change this routine at all. I do not expect her to be self sufficient (she's 19 months old!) but I do expect her to learn that bedtime is still bedtime, and even though she knows Mommy loves her to death, Mommy still means business.

I couldn't have said it better!

ADJ - posted on 02/15/2009

Quoting Jessica:

I apologize ahead of time if this offends anyone!
This topic is getting really out of control. Inconvenienced as moms? Are we kidding here?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but somehow I get the feeling that this post was put up to discourage mothers who do allow their children to cry it out, as if we're monsters or something, and have no idea what we're doing. I'm sick of psychiatrists and other people telling me how I should raise my children.
There is a VERY big difference when it comes to letting a baby cry it out at bedtime, and letting them do it during the day. I let my daughter cry it out when it was time for bed. I did not sit there and let her scream hysterically, and I did not ignore her. I would go into the room every minute or so, this way she would know I was still there. However, bedtime is bedtime, and EVERY child benefits from a routine, as well as the family as a whole. When my daughter comes up to me and cries, I pick her up. I do not let her sit there and cry, because obviously there is something wrong. I don't ignore her just so I can get the dishes done or mop the floor. This idea has been taken a bit out of context. But when it's bedtime, and she's changed and fed, I KNOW why she's crying and fussing...because she doesn't want to go to sleep! Unless she is sick, I don't change this routine at all. I do not expect her to be self sufficient (she's 19 months old!) but I do expect her to learn that bedtime is still bedtime, and even though she knows Mommy loves her to death, Mommy still means business.

I couldn't have said it better!

ADJ - posted on 02/15/2009

Quoting Brenda:

Well, hello fellow mom. :)  Might I suggest you check out the groups on here for attachment parenting?  I'm a graduate student in counseling, and I often find myself on opposition of the CIO method, which is counter intuitive, and not used by other cultures except our busy western culture.  I usually find myself defending a stance that is more natural than training a baby.  A lot of this hoopla is over "Babywise", a book linked to dehydration and Failure to Thrive (FTT) in infants.  The book was not even written by a child professional and recently, I have heard of hospitals handing out pamplets advising against it.

Children under the age of 9 months always cry for a reason, as you know.  Every need for them is genuine.  Love is just as necessary as food and comfort to an infant.  I always hear that people who promote cry it out at early ages (before six months usually) talk about how good their babies are.  They aren't good.  They just gave up on their parent filling their needs.  Babies in some foreign orphanages don't cry at all, the reason is because they are scheduled and not loved.  In fact, some, once adopted, are problematic because they don't cry when they need food or a change.

 

Okay, I was just going to read every one's different ideas and not comment. I find this all very interesting, and I think everyone needs to do what works best for their babies and families. However, I HAVE to put my 2 cents in on this one.

I used the Babywise system with my second child from the day I brought him home from the hospital. The new versions of Babywise books do NOT say you should let your baby CIO at an early age, by any means. The system is simply this: Eat, Awake, Sleep, Eat, Awake, Sleep, Eat, Awake, Sleep. Your baby wakes up from his nap, you feed him, he plays for awhile, then he goes back to sleep. This system adjusts for age. It promotes healthy sleep because he is not sleeping on a full, upset tummy.  This is very similar to the BABY WHISPERER schedule. You feed him every 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours, just as every pediatrician would recommend.  If you use this system faithfully, the idea is that you won't HAVE to let him CIO. His system naturally falls into a healthy rhythm, and everyone gets the sleep they need.

At 3 months, my son was sleeping 10 hours a night and drinking 35 oz. a day. He cried for about 20 minutes one night after I realized he was just waking up out of habit, not need. After that, he just slept right on through.

I guarantee you will not find a happier baby than him. All smiles and dimples all the time, and you can ask anyone we know. He is a happy baby because he is a RESTED baby. Do the research and you will find that children thrive on routine.

It is not the fault of the Babywise system if ignorant parents misunderstand it and use it as an excuse to ignore their child's needs. I know alot of moms who have used this system, and not one of their kids has ever had dehydration or FTT. They are healthy, rested, thriving children.

Babywise is a HUGE proponent of breastfeeding, I might add. It is just not a proponent of locking mommy into nursing prison, because baby wants something to suck on every 30 minutes.

The bottom line: do what works for you and your children, and don't judge other people for using methods other than your own.

Ally - posted on 02/15/2009

what a fabulous post melissa! you are so right...as a registered nurse I wish there were more parents out there like you! infants do not need to learn to self soothe at this point in their development...they should be learning to be able to trust their caregivers in order to learn the world is safe and happy. Infants cry because they have a need and they need to know that their caregiver will meet those needs in order to become a trusting person later on in life.



I have ssen it first hand when babies of parents who are product of cry it out have lost a certain sparkle in their eyes so to say. The parents think it works because their babies don't cry and sleep through the night when in fact infants are programmed to not do that! they simply stop crying and give up becasue they realize no one is going to come to their aide! I hope your post will discourage parents from this developmentally detrimental practice and moms will stop trying to get back to theur pre baby routines right away!

Trish - posted on 02/15/2009

there are times when u have to let a baby cry, if not you going to end up with a 10yr old who just kicks up a fuss and straight away gets what they want. I'm not saying leave them to cry if they hungry or need changing or in pain but if u know they safe, fed, dry etc then yes leave them to cry it's the only way they learn not forever but I used to leave my daughter to cry for half an hour to get to sleep when she was only about 6 weeks old, by 8 weeks I'd leave her to cry and within 5 - 10mins she'd be asleep and a couple of weeks later she never cried at all.

Marj - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree always go with your gut it will never steer you wrong. If you accept some advice and then doubt if you did the right thing for your child you will feel guilty about it. So, therefore do not feel guilty listen weigh the advice and go with the gut. you will never regret that

Lish - posted on 02/15/2009

I agree!
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

Gayle - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Melissa:

But y'all - it's not just CIO... it's more than just that.  It's the "I'm not gonna hold you right now becuase I'll spoil you" attitude.  It's the "You're supposed to do this X way" attitude I have such issues with.

Yes!  I hated the constant "advice"  given to me by so called helpfull people.  One that stands out said the my pediatricain was crazy and I was doing everything wrong.  You want to know how that felt to a new mom that had never changed a diaper before in her life??????  With my next (due in 4 weeks) I feel 100% more relaxed and ready.  And more likly to ignore unwanted advice from no-it-all "supermommies"

Jessica - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Melissa:

This idea has been taken a bit out of context.

I couldn't agree more that this idea has been take out of context.  This isn't an anti-CIO thread.  This is a real plea of trying to understand how a mother could let their child do x,y,z and have a very detached relationship.This isn't just about CIO... it's more than that.  It's the detachment parenting I'm talking about.  It's not a stereotype, I'm just using examples of what I've read here.  *shrug*

No, I agree with that. Motherhood is a tough business, and our children should always come first in every way, emotionally, physically and developmentally. If a parent is going to be detatched, and foster that kind of relationship with their children, it begs the question: "Why have kids at all?" So I do agree with you there. Sorry about the rant!

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

y"all have a great weekend and happy v day!

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

This idea has been taken a bit out of context.

I couldn't agree more that this idea has been take out of context.  This isn't an anti-CIO thread.  This is a real plea of trying to understand how a mother could let their child do x,y,z and have a very detached relationship.This isn't just about CIO... it's more than that.  It's the detachment parenting I'm talking about.  It's not a stereotype, I'm just using examples of what I've read here.  *shrug*

Jessica - posted on 02/13/2009

I apologize ahead of time if this offends anyone!
This topic is getting really out of control. Inconvenienced as moms? Are we kidding here?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but somehow I get the feeling that this post was put up to discourage mothers who do allow their children to cry it out, as if we're monsters or something, and have no idea what we're doing. I'm sick of psychiatrists and other people telling me how I should raise my children.
There is a VERY big difference when it comes to letting a baby cry it out at bedtime, and letting them do it during the day. I let my daughter cry it out when it was time for bed. I did not sit there and let her scream hysterically, and I did not ignore her. I would go into the room every minute or so, this way she would know I was still there. However, bedtime is bedtime, and EVERY child benefits from a routine, as well as the family as a whole. When my daughter comes up to me and cries, I pick her up. I do not let her sit there and cry, because obviously there is something wrong. I don't ignore her just so I can get the dishes done or mop the floor. This idea has been taken a bit out of context. But when it's bedtime, and she's changed and fed, I KNOW why she's crying and fussing...because she doesn't want to go to sleep! Unless she is sick, I don't change this routine at all. I do not expect her to be self sufficient (she's 19 months old!) but I do expect her to learn that bedtime is still bedtime, and even though she knows Mommy loves her to death, Mommy still means business.

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

At first my son wouldnt let me shower either - or would be ok until my hair was full of shampoo and then start screaming... what worked for us was me having a bath istead.. maybe because he could see me and talk to me? he seems to have gotten over it now - he'll sit in his vibrating chair just outside the open door

Alanna - posted on 02/13/2009

I completely and totally 110% agree with you :)

Erica - posted on 02/13/2009

I think there has to be a balance between the two perspectives. A baby who's hungry shouldn't be left to cry, but, at the same time, routines are very good for babies. They do have to learn to go to sleep on their own. So, my approach is to check the diaper, offer a bottle, and try to figure out if it's teething pain (which I might give the baby tylenol if that were the case).

But as a side note, many times my baby wakes up in the middle of the night very happy and wants to play. I feel like I have a responsibility to teach her that night time is for sleeping and daytime is for playing. She also fights naps during the day even though she is tired. I sometimes have to put her in her crib and follow my 15 minute rule. She can fuss for 15 minutes without a response from me. If it goes over 15 minutes, then I go to her. Most of the time she falls asleep before the 15 minutes is up.

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

But y'all - it's not just CIO... it's more than just that.  It's the "I'm not gonna hold you right now becuase I'll spoil you" attitude.  It's the "You're supposed to do this X way" attitude I have such issues with.

Gayle - posted on 02/13/2009

When I was a very new and VERY inexperienced mom I was told by several people the old "you'll spoil that baby, let him cry!". I tried it once. ONCE. I did, and after 30 minutes of it, I went and got him. He had peed himself, pooed himself and spit up and was hysterical. It still haunts me to this very day. We waited until he was about 9 months and tried again with very different results and it helped aid in putting him down for the night. On the other hand I have had family visiting that do not believe in crying it out and have gone so far as to pull my child out of the crib and hand him to me, and proceed to go to bed. Then I found out they call me a bad mom behind my back for it.

Shandy - posted on 02/13/2009

RIGHT ON SISTER! Thank you!!!! I thought the same thing. I just don't get how people do it or why. I can't nor will I EVER just let my gifts from God cry it out! End of story!

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Siouxxsie:

I've always been told, the more you love your children, the more independant your children will become as they get older. Fact, it's because they know if they fall, mommy and daddy have proven they have been there, are there and will always be there for their children to fall back on when needed. You can never love your children too much, but you can make the mistake of not loving them enough I think. It's a fine line between "spoiling" your child and nurturing them, doing right by them. If they need you and want you, live it up because it only lasts for so long before they're ready for adventures of their own and you have to stay home. For as close as most of us mother's are to our children, we know when they really need our comforting and when they're just seeing what they can get away with. I love my children tremendously and when they cry, I am there....however, there are times when my youngest cries and I give it some time before I jump to his calling. He likes to play games with me and see how long it takes to get to him....when I don't give in, he usually starts talking, laughing and falls back to sleep. Nothing wrong with that!

I couldn't agree more.

Siouxxsie - posted on 02/13/2009

I've always been told, the more you love your children, the more independant your children will become as they get older. Fact, it's because they know if they fall, mommy and daddy have proven they have been there, are there and will always be there for their children to fall back on when needed. You can never love your children too much, but you can make the mistake of not loving them enough I think. It's a fine line between "spoiling" your child and nurturing them, doing right by them. If they need you and want you, live it up because it only lasts for so long before they're ready for adventures of their own and you have to stay home. For as close as most of us mother's are to our children, we know when they really need our comforting and when they're just seeing what they can get away with. I love my children tremendously and when they cry, I am there....however, there are times when my youngest cries and I give it some time before I jump to his calling. He likes to play games with me and see how long it takes to get to him....when I don't give in, he usually starts talking, laughing and falls back to sleep. Nothing wrong with that!

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Tami:

I agree with the message you are trying to get across, but I think you sound a bit vulgar and ignorant. I understand you are frustrated but by being so aggressive you are offending people instead of teaching them. I was told repeatedly that I was spoiling my son and I admit at almost 11 months he is a bit spoiled, but he knows mommy and daddy loves him and is one of the happiest most content babies I have ever met. I also respond almost immediately when cries  at night because I never want him to think he is alone, but once I check on him and attemp to rock/pat  him back to sleep after about an hour of him waking back up every time I start to walk away, I kiss him on his head and say mommy loves you and let him CIO. I have a video moniter and watch him till he falls alseep. I have spoiled him and as a result he is still learning to self sooth and put himself to sleep. I will always be there for my children but with the next one I want to try to teach them to fall asleep and self soothe, its good for their developement. Now this by no means means that I will ignore their needs or let them for one second feel unloved.

 

P.S. I have seen babies that are left to thier own and to CIO at a very young age, their parents may say they are calm but the truth is they are detached and have given up because their only way to communicate their needs is being ignored.

I am sorry you feel that I am being vulgar or ignorant as that is not my intention.  We obviously don't agree and don't have to.  I don't believe in spoiling a child at this stage so we will have to agree to disagree.

Debbie - posted on 02/13/2009

I coudn't agree more!!! I have never left any of my children to cry it out! Why on earth would anyone willing leave their baby to cry because a book has told them to. Crazy! If a baby is crying its because they are trying to tell you something.....I'm hungry, wet, soiled, windy, got cramps, headache, lonely, to cold, to hot, frightened, anxious, bored and many more. And so what if you are trying to get a million and one things done, your baby needs you more than anything 24 hrs a day, like it or not!!! Its your job to be at their beck and call, its in the job description called MUMMY! Apart from making yourself really stressed listening to their wailing, how do you think they are feeling?? Abandoned!! And in fact it just makes your child really 'needy' in the end. Your baby needs to know "if I need mummy I know she will come to me" that makes them feel secure and comforted and they will calm easily and cry less. Its not rocket science, just put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if no one came to you to hold you snuggly and makes you feel everything is ok...

Debbie Oakwell-Smith

Amy - posted on 02/13/2009

I am extremely fond of slings.  You can hold the baby AND do the dishes.

Amanda - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Melissa:

I couldn't agree more! I can't tell you how many times I've sat with my 2.5 year old while she cries and whines with frustration.  However, if she cries in the middle of the night, she NEEDS me and you better believe I go running.  She's secure and knows I am there for her yet she's emotionally stable enough not to abuse it.

Thanks, I was embarresst to admit that I run so fast to her in the night, I have injured myself :)  She is 2yrs 3 mos and to hear her calling ma ma at 3am means I bring her in my bed for snuggles...usually she's wet.  I use my gut and I know my daughter.  She's big in some ways but still a baby for a while yet.

Tami - posted on 02/13/2009

I agree with the message you are trying to get across, but I think you sound a bit vulgar and ignorant. I understand you are frustrated but by being so aggressive you are offending people instead of teaching them. I was told repeatedly that I was spoiling my son and I admit at almost 11 months he is a bit spoiled, but he knows mommy and daddy loves him and is one of the happiest most content babies I have ever met. I also respond almost immediately when cries  at night because I never want him to think he is alone, but once I check on him and attemp to rock/pat  him back to sleep after about an hour of him waking back up every time I start to walk away, I kiss him on his head and say mommy loves you and let him CIO. I have a video moniter and watch him till he falls alseep. I have spoiled him and as a result he is still learning to self sooth and put himself to sleep. I will always be there for my children but with the next one I want to try to teach them to fall asleep and self soothe, its good for their developement. Now this by no means means that I will ignore their needs or let them for one second feel unloved.

P.S. I have seen babies that are left to thier own and to CIO at a very young age, their parents may say they are calm but the truth is they are detached and have given up because their only way to communicate their needs is being ignored.

Tami - posted on 02/13/2009

I agree with the message you are trying to get across, but I think you sound a bit vulgar and ignorant. I understand you are frustrated but by being so aggressive you are offending people instead of teaching them. I was told repeatedly that I was spoiling my son and I admit at almost 11 months he is a bit spoiled, but he knows mommy and daddy loves him and is one of the happiest most content babies I have ever met. I also respond almost immediately when cries  at night because I never want him to think he is alone, but once I check on him and attemp to rock/pat  him back to sleep after about an hour of him waking back up every time I start to walk away, I kiss him on his head and say mommy loves you and let him CIO. I have a video moniter and watch him till he falls alseep. I have spoiled him and as a result he is still learning to self sooth and put himself to sleep. I will always be there for my children but with the next one I want to try to teach them to fall asleep and self soothe, its good for their developement. Now this by no means means that I will ignore their needs or let them for one second feel unloved.

P.S. I have seen babies that are left to thier own and to CIO at a very young age, their parents may say they are calm but the truth is they are detached and have given up because their only way to communicate their needs is being ignored.

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

What I don't understand is why when someone mentions the CIO method, they jump to Babywise. I let my son CIO, but used the Ferber method (which has been around for 20 years more than Babywise). After 2 nights he slept better (still gets up in the night for feedings), and is happier during the day. I had never even heard of Babywise until I heard mother bad mouthing the CIO method. I know it's not for everyone, but my son is thriving now that he has set his own routine. He still cries when he needs something, but because I try to stay on top of his needs , he is usually smiling and laughing all day long.

Michele - posted on 02/13/2009

Very nice post, Brenda. I agree with everything you said. I know a couple who adopted 2 girls from China. One was an infant, the other was a toddler. The infant girl is now around 10 years old. They saved her soon enough and she seems to be adjusting well. The toddler girl is now around 4 years old. The parents have to work with her daily to get her to function normally. She always wants to be held and touched because she never received that kind of attention in the orphanage. She'll cling to your leg so that you have to walk around with her like that. It's almost an obsession with her. She hoardes food and stores it in her mouth to make sure she does not go hungry. And she has no fear. She would jump off of a roof if she found a way up there. I find this so sad and it is also proof that babies need to be held and not left to CIO.

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

Wow Brenda, you hit the nail on the head with my thinking! I love what you had to say here:

Children under the age of 9 months always cry for a reason, as you know.  Every need for them is genuine.  Love is just as necessary as food and comfort to an infant.  I always hear that people who promote cry it out at early ages (before six months usually) talk about how good their babies are.  They aren't good.  They just gave up on their parent filling their needs.  Babies in some foreign orphanages don't cry at all, the reason is because they are scheduled and not loved.  In fact, some, once adopted, are problematic because they don't cry when they need food or a change.

Brenda - posted on 02/13/2009

Well, hello fellow mom. :)  Might I suggest you check out the groups on here for attachment parenting?  I'm a graduate student in counseling, and I often find myself on opposition of the CIO method, which is counter intuitive, and not used by other cultures except our busy western culture.  I usually find myself defending a stance that is more natural than training a baby.  A lot of this hoopla is over "Babywise", a book linked to dehydration and Failure to Thrive (FTT) in infants.  The book was not even written by a child professional and recently, I have heard of hospitals handing out pamplets advising against it.

Children under the age of 9 months always cry for a reason, as you know.  Every need for them is genuine.  Love is just as necessary as food and comfort to an infant.  I always hear that people who promote cry it out at early ages (before six months usually) talk about how good their babies are.  They aren't good.  They just gave up on their parent filling their needs.  Babies in some foreign orphanages don't cry at all, the reason is because they are scheduled and not loved.  In fact, some, once adopted, are problematic because they don't cry when they need food or a change.

CIO at early ages causes undue stress to a newborn or young infant.  It is supported by medical facts, and most doctors today recant the idea.  I mean, think about what stress does to an adult body.  It does the same to an infant.  Increase in heartrate, blood pressure, adreneline... in a six week old infant, who knows what long term effect that has on them. 

Yet proponents of Attachment parenting like myself get accused of harming our children because we love them too much.  It just is not so.  Attachment parented children grow up as independent as those left to cio, and in my opinion, is it any wonder we have a generation of self absorbed, apathetic teenagers who can't bond and don't care about society in general?  Hm.  Attachment parenting is making a come back.  It is the natural parent, the parent who follows his or her gut, and loves unconditionally and believes in what their baby feels.  It is the way we have parented for ages upon ages, until we decided we were too good to be parents and had to schedule our babies to be conveinent for US and not for them.  I'm just glad that today, most pediatricians are figuring this out and the stands of the American Pediatric Association is turning around.  Anyways, I just saw your  post and had to put in my two cents and commend your courage for posting this.  I'm sure you'll get plenty of flamers on here, but you aren't alone!  :)

Anne - posted on 02/13/2009

What I want to know is WHY?   why do we have this idea in our heads here in America especially, to get our babies to be independant at such a young age?      Is it really natural and normal to expect a baby to 'self sooth'?     they have so much things to learn anyways why do we push this on them too?     I never let my now 4 year old CIO, and with her I was so tired!     She was a marathon nurser, she wanted to nurse all day, and all night.     When it came to weanning her I was so tired of it I just put her in bed said no and went to sleep next to her.      She was fine.   As long as mommy was there through the transition of not nursing any more.        I could never imagine myself letting her just cry herself to sleep after 15 months of going to sleep in my arms.

Now with my second child we are dealing with some serious night time seperation axietiy.     I can not put her in a crib and let her scream it out.      What she needs is reasurance that mommy is there.   And what I do know just from my own experience, is that all children are different.     My oldest was happy just to be by me, and maybe holding my hand.    my youngest one has to be the center of my attention or else she thinks she is being rejected.      So can you honestly tell me that a child dealing wtih seperation anxietiy should be left alone to just cry it out?    and going in every few mins, isnt that just telling them that if they keep at it mommy will show up?     My child has a strong never give up will power.     just from shear tiredness on my part she would win.

For all of you parents out there who can do this CIO thing......Im happy you found a solution to a problem.     Its not for every parent.     Telling a new mommy who is tired out to let her baby cry it out is not always a good thing.      some times what they need to hear is just affirmation that they are doing a great job, and that they are the best mommy for thier child.     I much perfer to give the advice of do what feels natural and what feels right to you.   Sometimes it might require that you get some outside help during the day so that you can sleep and be rested for the night time.   I know with my baby now  when she is teething that means I will be up with her all night anyways.     When my 4 year old was sick a few weeks ago I was up most of the night with her too.      How do you know that your baby crying isnt related to growing pains?     would you let a child who is old enough to talk and can tell you they hurt to just suffer the pain them selves and 'self sooth' them selves?

Well anyways, do what you think is right.     Just dont advise others to do things your way just because it worked for you.

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

I do the same thing in the shower.  We have a bouncy seat with toys and put her right in front of the glass.

Andrea - posted on 02/13/2009

As far as showering goes, my daughter used to have a problem with it until I put her in her exersaucer while in the shower. For some reason, she just seems happier that way, and she'll play long enough for me to at least wash my hair. I do try to take showers when her dad is home though, because then I get an actual break, and can enjoy it.

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

I do the same thing for showering. The sound of the water doesn't scare him, but the hair dryer makes him scream bloody murder. It used to sooth him, then one day he just changed his mind about it. :) I now have to let my hair dry naturally if hubby isn't home....and wear a hat if I have to go out.

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Angie:

I agree with you that we should use common sense but using words like horrid are not helpful. I don't disagree with you, I"m just asking that you use kind and loving words to say it. Frankly, I think Dr. Sears has some dangerous ideas and I never followed any of his ways. I've always said, follow your heart and do what YOU think is best for baby and everything will turn out fine. Please remember that we're here to help other women not to make them feel like "horrid" mothers.

Couldn't agree more (also about the Dr. Sears thing).  I started my son on the Ferber method just after 5 months.  When I say I let him cry for 30 minutes, of course I don't mean without ever checking on him.  I go in every 5 minutes to sooth him without picking him up, then every 10 minutes.  It took 2 days and then he soothed himself to sleep.  I'v never heard of a mother letting their child cry when they wake up in the middle of the night.  That is cruel, and that is NOT part of the normal CIO method.  

5 months old DO whine, and they can manipulate.  My son fakes coughing because he knows I pick him up and at his back when he does.  When he fakes a cough and I look at him, he gives me a huge laugh.  Luckily his fakes are obvious....even my doctor has commented on them.

Jen - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Angie:

I agree with you that we should use common sense but using words like horrid are not helpful. I don't disagree with you, I"m just asking that you use kind and loving words to say it. Frankly, I think Dr. Sears has some dangerous ideas and I never followed any of his ways. I've always said, follow your heart and do what YOU think is best for baby and everything will turn out fine. Please remember that we're here to help other women not to make them feel like "horrid" mothers.

Couldn't agree more (also about the Dr. Sears thing).  I started my son on the Ferber method just after 5 months.  When I say I let him cry for 30 minutes, of course I don't mean without ever checking on him.  I go in every 5 minutes to sooth him without picking him up, then every 10 minutes.  It took 2 days and then he soothed himself to sleep.  I'v never heard of a mother letting their child cry when they wake up in the middle of the night.  That is cruel, and that is NOT part of the normal CIO method.  

5 months old DO whine, and they can manipulate.  My son fakes coughing because he knows I pick him up and at his back when he does.  When he fakes a cough and I look at him, he gives me a huge laugh.  Luckily his fakes are obvious....even my doctor has commented on them.

Angie - posted on 02/13/2009

Bless his little heart. Maybe the sound of the shower is scaring him. Try showering while he's napping or before you husband leaves for work.

Ashley - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Charlene:

Quoting Ashley:

i completely agree as well!....my son is 8 months old and he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and at first i will listen (because sometimes he will just gab and go back to sleep)...but the minute he starts getting upset i do the same thing..i get up and go check on him. half the time he just wants his soother and goes right back to sleep...other times he wants a bottle. the way i look at it is sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty...and i know howit feels..he might be the same way and i couldnt just let him cry and cry because i'm tired and dont feel like getting up!...on the other hand though my husband works during the day and my son hates when i take a shower. i have to let him cry while i'm in the shower or else i wouldnt be able to shower til 8 that night when my husband comes home. also if i'm cleaning or doing dishes and he's whining at me for no reason (he's been changed, fed, and had a nap) i will let him whine and half the time he will end up forgetting what he was whining about and will play with his toys (once he starts getting really upset then i will stop what i'm doing). i find they go through an age too where they try to test you. see what they can get away with. i couldnt agree more with what Michele and Malinda have said......and letting a 3 wk old baby CIO i agree with you Melissa on that one. they need the comfort at that age all the time. sometimes at that age they need to be held just because!....

When my son was not walking yet I put him in a chair, gave him some toys or bottle and put the chair in the bathroom with me while I took my shower, he is in front of the shower and can see me and I'll play peek a boo with him, he never had a problem with me in the shower. Now that he is walking I bring him in the shower with me and he plays with his toys, after I'm done I'll turn the shower off to the tap and he plays with the running water while I wash him up, rinse and dry myself off before we get out! I hope this helps you have a little more freedom to shower!

i have tried that and he is fine until he hears the shower going.....then that's it he totally freaks!...the bathroom floor is covered with toys..lol...he will be playing away then once i turn the tap on he totally freaks out. it's so frustrating but at the same time it breaks my heart as well. i've tried playing peek a boo with him too and it upsets him more!...once i get out he's actually sitting there sobbing and the most i'm in the shower is 15 mins..it doesnt take me long at all. like i said it's frustrating for me but i feel so bad for him and dont know how to get him to be okay with it. i've also tried talking to him while i'm in the shower and just doesnt work. i'm not sure if it's because he cant see me or if he maybe thinks he should be in there too!.....

Angie - posted on 02/13/2009

I agree with you that we should use common sense but using words like horrid are not helpful. I don't disagree with you, I"m just asking that you use kind and loving words to say it. Frankly, I think Dr. Sears has some dangerous ideas and I never followed any of his ways. I've always said, follow your heart and do what YOU think is best for baby and everything will turn out fine. Please remember that we're here to help other women not to make them feel like "horrid" mothers.

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Angie:

I think CIO can work for some families but not for others. I wish that we could all be a little more tolerant of other's family ideas. Let's try to be a little less judgemental of each other's needs, for pete's sake. I didn't practice CIO but my children learned to self soothe very early on and could wake at night and put themselves back to sleep. I was blessed with very calm children, but not everybody is. Melissa, I understand your frustration but calliing another woman's ideas "horrid and dangerous" is inappropriate. Please try being a little more loving and caring in your answers.

I respect what you're saying, however letting a 3 week old CIO is horrid and dangerous.  Anyone that would do that on purpose is just not right in my opinion.  There's a difference between letting a child CIO and whine.  A 3 week old doesn't whine.  My 5 month old doesn't whine.  She cries when she needs me.  This has nothing to do with tollerance.  This has to do with awareness.  If folks are continuing to give bad advice that could HURT A CHILD (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handou...) then yes, someone has to show them that it's not safe.

I'm not blanketing it all - I'm saying use common sense.

Angie - posted on 02/13/2009

I think CIO can work for some families but not for others. I wish that we could all be a little more tolerant of other's family ideas. Let's try to be a little less judgemental of each other's needs, for pete's sake. I didn't practice CIO but my children learned to self soothe very early on and could wake at night and put themselves back to sleep. I was blessed with very calm children, but not everybody is. Melissa, I understand your frustration but calliing another woman's ideas "horrid and dangerous" is inappropriate. Please try being a little more loving and caring in your answers.

Melissa - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Jolene:

Well I don't exactly agree with CRYING it out, but if my baby is fussing and I know that shes fed, dry, warm ect...I will let her for a bit. I never leave her to be upset. If my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night crying, of course I'm gonna run to her...but there are times when she wakes up and just talks to herself for a bit and rolls around, then goes back to sleep. I'm not going to go and get her for something like that (self soothing is important). So to me there is a difference between crying it out and fussing it out.

I agree that there is a difference between fussing and crying.

Charlene - posted on 02/13/2009

Quoting Ashley:

i completely agree as well!....my son is 8 months old and he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and at first i will listen (because sometimes he will just gab and go back to sleep)...but the minute he starts getting upset i do the same thing..i get up and go check on him. half the time he just wants his soother and goes right back to sleep...other times he wants a bottle. the way i look at it is sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty...and i know howit feels..he might be the same way and i couldnt just let him cry and cry because i'm tired and dont feel like getting up!...on the other hand though my husband works during the day and my son hates when i take a shower. i have to let him cry while i'm in the shower or else i wouldnt be able to shower til 8 that night when my husband comes home. also if i'm cleaning or doing dishes and he's whining at me for no reason (he's been changed, fed, and had a nap) i will let him whine and half the time he will end up forgetting what he was whining about and will play with his toys (once he starts getting really upset then i will stop what i'm doing). i find they go through an age too where they try to test you. see what they can get away with. i couldnt agree more with what Michele and Malinda have said......and letting a 3 wk old baby CIO i agree with you Melissa on that one. they need the comfort at that age all the time. sometimes at that age they need to be held just because!....

When my son was not walking yet I put him in a chair, gave him some toys or bottle and put the chair in the bathroom with me while I took my shower, he is in front of the shower and can see me and I'll play peek a boo with him, he never had a problem with me in the shower. Now that he is walking I bring him in the shower with me and he plays with his toys, after I'm done I'll turn the shower off to the tap and he plays with the running water while I wash him up, rinse and dry myself off before we get out! I hope this helps you have a little more freedom to shower!

Stacy - posted on 02/12/2009

I agree!  Why have children if you are going to let them cry all night.  When they cry you answer, that is how they learn trust and love.

Ashley - posted on 02/12/2009

i completely agree as well!....my son is 8 months old and he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and at first i will listen (because sometimes he will just gab and go back to sleep)...but the minute he starts getting upset i do the same thing..i get up and go check on him. half the time he just wants his soother and goes right back to sleep...other times he wants a bottle. the way i look at it is sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty...and i know howit feels..he might be the same way and i couldnt just let him cry and cry because i'm tired and dont feel like getting up!...on the other hand though my husband works during the day and my son hates when i take a shower. i have to let him cry while i'm in the shower or else i wouldnt be able to shower til 8 that night when my husband comes home. also if i'm cleaning or doing dishes and he's whining at me for no reason (he's been changed, fed, and had a nap) i will let him whine and half the time he will end up forgetting what he was whining about and will play with his toys (once he starts getting really upset then i will stop what i'm doing). i find they go through an age too where they try to test you. see what they can get away with. i couldnt agree more with what Michele and Malinda have said......and letting a 3 wk old baby CIO i agree with you Melissa on that one. they need the comfort at that age all the time. sometimes at that age they need to be held just because!....

Andrea - posted on 02/12/2009

God bless you for this post. Sometimes I feel so bad because I can't get my floors mopped, but my daughter needs me... and I have to remember that she is my priority. Luckily, both my family and his family are huge support, and I have people that will come play with her for an hour or two when I really can't handle the mess anymore... or they'll clean for me ;) But thanks again- it can be hard to realize it's ok to surrender!

Charlene - posted on 02/12/2009

It is hard when your baby is colicky, my son was and it trys on your patience, but same thing hugs and kisses, try try try again, if he doesn't go down the first time just keep trying, but never let them cry for ever. If they are gassy give them something to help that! I know no mom is perfect and I have had feelings of wanting to throw him out the window, I would NEVER do that, just thoughts because its hard to hear it and when you don't know what wrong, you just keep trying everything you can think of to help the little guy! But in the end I never just let him cry himself to sleep.

Charlene - posted on 02/12/2009

I agree, you can not spoil your baby with love and affection, they need you, its a cold scarey world for a baby they have no idea whats going on and have no way to communicate what they need, so crying is the only way for them to tell us they need us for something, can be anything! I would never let my baby cry himself to sleep 1-2 mins of crying and I go in pick him up give him a hug an dkiss and tell him its bed time, check his diaper, give him a paci, his stuffed dog, anything to help him, even music to help sooth him, he will go down! Never had a real problem with that! If he crys in the night and he doesn't take a bottle at night anymore, I cuddle him and sooth him, check his diaper, give him advil or tylenol, oral jell, his paci, his dog, put a blanket on anything to help him back to sleep. At this age they cry do to not feeling well, or nightmare, so why not go in and help them! They need to know that they are loved and can count on you for anything when you don't go in and just let them cry they learn that they can't count on you for anything, then you will have problems with them as they grow, they will not respect you, lie to you etc and they will feel like you don't love them! Shame on those people who treat their children that way! I will repeat you can not spoil your child with love, hugs and kisses and affection!

Jolene - posted on 02/12/2009

Well I don't exactly agree with CRYING it out, but if my baby is fussing and I know that shes fed, dry, warm ect...I will let her for a bit. I never leave her to be upset. If my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night crying, of course I'm gonna run to her...but there are times when she wakes up and just talks to herself for a bit and rolls around, then goes back to sleep. I'm not going to go and get her for something like that (self soothing is important). So to me there is a difference between crying it out and fussing it out.