I dont get it

Chatty - posted on 07/08/2010

GLOrons!

Chatty - posted on 07/08/2010

muahahaha!

Psst.....Diane.....lock the damn thread! You can't delete it but you can lock it! Gah...

Hayley - posted on 07/08/2010

well, diane, re read your posts before you start attacking other parents = your post was very judgemental and hoity toity - something that gets right up my nose - esp when the person is a one go wonder or a 'childless child care worker' You may not have meant to - but that is how your post came across!!

Jaime - posted on 07/08/2010

LOL it always amazes me that many pro-spanking moms seem to think that those of us who use positive discipline strategies all sound like mindless, submissive housewives. I mean surely we must speak to our kids like they are just the center of our world and can do no wrong "aw, it's okay shnookums, mummy wummy just wants her wittle baby bear to behave and be a good boy" *pukes*. I'd rather shit in my mouth than speak to my kid like that--c'mon now! I don't spank my son, but I'm not about to talk to him like I'm retarded and don't recognize when he's being particularly defiant and in need of some serious discipline and a stronger line of communication and self-discipline on MY part! GAH!

Sam - posted on 07/08/2010

So young and naive! It is so much more complicated than that. Life is not black and white. Someday you will change your tune! And p.s - There is strong evidence that spanking a child only leads to teaching them that physical punishment is acceptable and it doesn't work! Let me guess, you were spanked as a child?

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

omg why can't you delete your own postes this is stupid..i have been so done with this 135 posts ago..i dont care im a good mom and im sure u all r too...I wasen't talking about anyone of u so dont take this personally UNLESS you can't control your kids or let them run you..other then that this post should not ofend you..ok well i gotta go have a life now...PEACE =]

Vanessa - posted on 07/08/2010

Okay the only thing I have to say here is how the hell do you know that these parents don't have control over there children? How do you know that the children run rings around them? How often do you see these misbehaving children? Once in the shops or in the park or on a plane? How do you know that it isn't simply that these children and parents are just having a bad day? My son is 2 and a half years old and is generally a good child. He puts his toys away when I ask & he says please & thank you without prompting most times. In saying this he is a 2 year old and he is discovering himself as an individual so like all children at some stage he is gonna throw a tantrum. Unfortunately sometimes he decides to do this in public. It doesn't mean I don't have control of him, he gets sent to his naughty chair when he does wrong but I also like to reward him for doing things right. We have a happy, loving household with minimal tantrums its just somedays we are tired, sick or just out of sorts and I am sorry if this means I have to upset the general public but I can't not go shopping for tea just because my son is having a bad day.
What I am trying to say is maybe you just need to readjust the way you see people. When you go out somewhere and you see a child mucking up don't instantly think they don't have control. Have some compassion and maybe think Oh that poor Mum/Dad but that is children for you they can erupt without warning sometimes, I know how they feel. Don't tell me you don't know how they feel either because if you have a 2 year old you have experienced tantrums!

Cynthia - posted on 07/08/2010

lazy parenting and ignorance. you seem like such an expert diane and abigail, maybe you should both write a book. i can see that from working in a day care you've become quite the expert and you diane with your one child.

Cynthia - posted on 07/08/2010

small minds

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

o i forgot to metion he was not by the road our drive way has a big slope

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

my house is child proof i even have a child lock on the fridge..but for example i seen my son trying to throw a ball in the road and i stoped him and told him not to do it..a few min later he trys it again..i live in a community so there is no traffic but im not gonna say "now hunnie bunny mommy told you not to do that, dont do it again" im gonna prolly pat him on the bottom or bring him inside. Im trying to teach my child not wrap him in bubble wrap. O and by the way congrat on the baby Abigail =]

Francine - posted on 07/08/2010

couldn't have said it better my self .have had the same problem never had to smake my 1st boy he was so good but my daughter a wild child tryed everything as well. same days good some days bad.

Andrea - posted on 07/08/2010

Jodi I completely agree with you.

Jessica - posted on 07/08/2010

Do not pass judgment on other mothers. They are doing the best they can with what they have. Every child is different. I have two girls and two boys. My 2 1/2 yo boy is very curious, into everything. I cannot break his spirit, but I can try to channel his energy into something productive. Come to think of it, this was a waste of my energy to respond.

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2010

Actually Abigail, in Australia, it is law to have an appropriate fence around your swimming pool (childproof). So yeah, you should be fencing things if your child has ready access to them and it is dangerous. I also put a gate at the top and bottom of my stairs and locks on cabinets that contain dangerous chemicals. It is common sense. I wouldn't want to be spanking or saying no to my kids every second of the day, and at the rate 2 year olds can get up to no good, that would be what I'd be doing. Prevention is a much more positive measure if you can.



And I have a full fence around my back yard (most yards here do). I would never let a 2 year old play in the front yard with access to the street. And as SOON as my kids were able to reach the door handles in my house, I put locks high on the doors so they could never let themselves out of the house without my knowledge.



And you work in day care? Seriously?? I am pretty sure part of your job is also to ensure their safety, and I am pretty sure you have to do that without spanking.....

Hayley - posted on 07/08/2010

dear diane - thankyou so much for sharing your expertise with us all - even those of us who have four children!! Do you realise the damage your comments can do to a mother who may not be as perfect as you!!Or who lacks confidence! I hope for your sake that you do not ever end up in a position where you have a difficult child or one with special needs, or that you are never left on your own with a few children to raise or that you never get ill!! You are right in that there are many parents who let their children control them - but instead of judging, you could put across helpful advice and encouragement - but wait - your judging everyone who doesnt reach your standards - next you will be telling us that your child never gets dirty, never plays up and that you run three businesses from home, study a masters degree and that your house is absolutely perfect!!

It is not so much what you have said but it is the way that you have said it!! We are all learning as we go and parenthood is never what we expect it to be - how about trying to be supportive of other mums - you being the perfect mother and all!!

Abigail - posted on 07/08/2010

Dana: I worked at a place called St. Pius ECC. I watched a bunch of one year olds, and sometimes two year olds. My job was to make sure they're changed, fed, entertained, and they take their naps. I was actually just an afternoon person. I mainly made sure the kids got afternoon snack, then I would take them outside or the gym where all the age groups would gather, and wait for their parents to come get them. Sometimes I would fill in for the main teachers in my room, so I got a lot of experience.

Jodi: Are you gonna put a fence along the road so your kid doesn't run into the street? There are millions of dangerous things that we can't put a lock on or a fence around.

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2010

"When a two year is about to stick a fork in an electrical socket"

See, that's why I (1) used to have a lock on my kitchen drawers and cupboards and (2) had those socket covers. I just couldn't trust my kids NOT to do things like that, and spanking AFTER the fact is often too late. To me, when it is an absolute PREVENTABLE safety issue, use the preventative measure, not the spanking. That's just common sense. Do we have child proof fences around our pools? Or do we just spank them if they go near it?

Chatty - posted on 07/08/2010

Abigail, where did you work in daycares? What did you do there?

Andrea - posted on 07/08/2010

Stick a fork in an electrical socket.....that called prevention child proof your house watch your child before they had the chance to stick a fork in it. I don't use the counting method but really they may become traumatized by counting but not spanking.......LOL

Abigail - posted on 07/08/2010

Hehe, I get that a lot. ^_^

Chatty - posted on 07/08/2010

You two are somethin' else!

Abigail - posted on 07/08/2010

Exactly! They honestly don't give a shit what you have to say, they just wanna play with their new toy that they found no matter how dangerous it is. And I really don't like the "123" thing either. First off, that kid can't count yet, and second, if you punish your child after counting, they may become traumatized and start crying in the middle of kindergarten class 'cause the teacher is teaching numbers.

But what cracks me up the most are the mothers that will just sit there and say "don't do that" 'cause whatever they found that was so entertaining, they're not gonna stop unless you make them stop.

Oh, and as for the actual topic of some mother's not in control, it's because those mother's don't know how. They can yell at their kids all they want, but it's when you speak to your kids in a loving way, that's when they listen, and I think it'll also prevent your child from becoming an angry person.

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

lol thats a funny but good point abigail, people try to reason with a 2 yr old and say over and over again "no don't do that...u better not do that..im goona count to 3...1...................................2...................3.........u better not do that stop that" thats cracks me up, there not deaf there plain out ignoring your ass lol

Abigail - posted on 07/08/2010

Now my child isn't born yet, but I've worked in daycares and took care of my little siblings, so I kinda have experience with children. My mother spanked us when we did something wrong, and you know what? Spanking works. There are some who think that it's abusive, and some who think it's ok. If you smack your child when you're angry, I consider that abuse, but if you do it to let your child understand that it's not ok to do something, that is called teaching. When a two year is about to stick a fork in an electrical socket, spank them to show that when you do that, you'll get hurt... and then get some socket cover thingys. Two year olds have very short attention spans, so if you sit there and say "now junior, when you stick a fork in an electrical socket, millions of volts of electricity will go through your body and kill you" they're not gonna grasp that. That's just what I think.

Andrea - posted on 07/08/2010

You can lol all you want that how I see it like I said to each your own do as you please it your child.

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

lol ok

Andrea - posted on 07/08/2010

Baby, toddlers, and children they like to imitate what they see.They perceive that it's okay for them to do whatever you do. At a young age they can't understand why it's ok for you to do something but not them. If your tap or spank your child they will perceive that that it ok to hit. Then to many parents wounder why there toddler/child keeps hitting there brother, sister, play mat every time they do something they don't like. You did it why can't they, you tap them spanked them when they did something you didn't like.



This how I see it but each to his own do as you please it's your child. People just need to start looking at the long term. If some one can say they taught there kids how to roll, crawl, sit walk, talk and everything else they know then why don't you think spanking their butts isn't teach them how to hit. Everything you do teaches them something toddler, children are sponges they come in to this world not knowing a thing and we as parents are here to guide, teach and love them. Everything you do teaches them something just do what you have to make that learning experience a positive one that they take from it what you want them to. If you don't what then to learn to hit don't show them how this goes for almost everything. Yes they might learn to hit anyway but won't you rather be able say with a 100% that they didn't learn that from you. It a much easier fix if your not the example that they learned that bad behavior from. Everything you do has an effect on them even if you can't see it at the time. Think about the long term effects rather than it doesn't hurt them,they don't even cry, they have diaper on, I didn't even leave a red mark.

Pat - posted on 07/08/2010

I fully agree. I have 3 children ages 10, 13 and 28. I am the PARENT...not the child. It annoys the heck out of me to see other parents constantly trying to bargain with their children. You can tell immediately who is in charge...the CHILD. I don't yell or hit my children, but they knew when I meant business. I have never not allow them to be disrespectful.

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

yea of course you can do that..I dont but im sure you would get the same outcome...i have done that with my son but he dosen't care he will sit there and play with his toes or somthing..he has fun no matter were he is at so the time out this is not a punishment for him...which is y pat him on the but..and takeing the toy away is just as unaffective..he has so many toys that takeing one away wont make a difference..he is a extremly happy child and not a lot fazes him.

Cynthia - posted on 07/08/2010

Diane - I realize it may seem to you many of these people have overreacted to your original post, but here's the thing. You can do the 1-2-3 method with time-out and have the same results. It is A LOT more work getting them used to staying in the time out. You have to put them back over and over and in the meantime you get really mad doing it. And you can't talk to them while you're doing it. Maybe just to say "you're in timeout." But if you stick with it they eventually understand they're gonna have to stay there. Or you can take away a privlege or a toy for a day (or even a few hours usually does the trick for my kids). The whole point is there is still a consequence for their misbehavior, but you're still being gentle and loving. I am telling you that they will still listen if you follow through EVERY time. The same as you say you're doing w/ the 1-2-3 spanking.

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

o and smacking sounds awful don't refer to wat i do as a smack,,my son has a diaper on so there is no "smacking" sound and it dosen't hurt him

Diane - posted on 07/08/2010

I dont spank him as soon as i see him doing somthing bad..i do the 123 method and i NEVER go to 4 lol..i stick with it. as soon as i go to 3 and he is ingnoring me still i give him a quick pop on the bottom..but he knows whats coming and is not suprised by the outcome...he listens as good as a 2 yr old can...im lucky i have a son who listens well, now im kinda scared to have another cuz i might not get so lucky next time =/

Anjali - posted on 07/08/2010

Dear Diane,
You sound little overworked or very concerned about deciplining your child. But we do not teach children with stick. Every child is different. Though there are some milestones in the process of child's development but all the children do not grow exactly like this. Some are slow and some are fast growers. We need to be patient with our kids. That is why motherhood is said to be the most difficult part of a woman's life but most enjoyable also as you see your part of the body growing independently.
If it is written in books that child should be off to bottle or pacifier at the age of 2/3, it is generalized experience. Some children do not even use pecifier like my own son.But he was on bottle feed till the age of 2yrs. even though he was on full meals at the age of 1yr. so give time to your child to achieve her/his growth. But we should simultaneously should see what is good for him/her without being physical.

Cynthia - posted on 07/08/2010

so when when an adult acts in an unacceptable way, do you smack him/her? why do people think it's ok to spank a child, just because they are small? when they become teenagers, they still act out, but do you see teenagers getting spanked? No, because it's demeaning, right? Well, why is it demeaning all of a sudden because they are closer to the same size as you. Maybe spanking isn't all out abuse, the same as say a smack across the face, but it is still hitting... no matter how you look at it. Children are not horses, they don't need to be prodded by physical means (i am not suggesting anyone hits animals, i am simply thinking of how people use a whip to get a horse moving, lol).

BTW, I see a lot of people out in public with their kids acting outrageous and yes, sometimes the first thing I think is they need to get their children under control. But then I remind myself that I am only getting a tiny glimpse into their life and maybe they are just having a bad day, maybe I don't KNOW EVERYTHING about the situation. Who knows, maybe that child you saw with the bottle/paci had some medical issue. You do not know. Yes, it's irritating when people don't discipline their children and those people unfortunately will pay someday when their kids are older and out of control. But discipline doesn't have to be putting fear into your child over whether they're gonna get smacked on their behind by you. AND just because you spank your child doesn't mean you have control over them. I've seen lots of kids who were spanked (myself included) go on to make horrible decisions. Just because you're "controlling" him now, doesn't mean it's a great teaching tool. As a teenager I did a lot of really dangerous stuff. Maybe if I hadn't feared talking to my parents about stuff (god forbid, I QUESTION them) I would have preferred staying home more and less going out with boys and getting wasted. And believe me they thought they had "control" over me. They had no idea what was going on. My parents had the same attitude as some of the people who've responded here "don't question me, don't ever disagree)(don't start judging me here, remember you don't know the whole situation).

I've never spanked either one of my children and they (lo and behold) are really good kids. The two year old can be rather difficult and does throw tantrums, but he is learning. Time-outs are beginning to work rather well.

Jaime - posted on 07/08/2010

Another pointless debate about spanking. Constructive conversation might actually benefit the lot of us, but not many seem to recognize the merit in allowing children to be in control of themselves and learn discipline through positive strategies. Not all behaviour needs to be stifled. As adults we have plenty of outlets for aggression and frustration...some in the work place, at the gym, at home, etc. Why is it that we INSIST that our children behave "beautifully" when in public so as not to appear out of control? Are we really that hell-bent on creating a generation of sheep, as opposed to a generation of free-thinking, intelligent, self-motivated, self-confident, self-controlled, disciplined individuals? I'm not naive in thinking that there are not two extremes to the spanking vs. non-spanking agendas...but to whomever said it's black and white...not so much...this has a big-ass gray area and it can't exactly be ignored!

Korrinne - posted on 07/08/2010

i totally agree with juleah!!! my 7 year old son we have been tring since he was a baby to find the one thing that would work with him and still havent found what works...what we have found is the calmer we are the better he responsed......but we went thru the temper tantrums and all except way worst!!! so give some other people some understanding show compasion not disrespect to that poor mom or dad thats trying to do their best...and figure out what works and what doesnt......

Julia - posted on 07/07/2010

Well I can't much about the paci because I just pulled my from my 3 yr old about 3 months ago and she threw a fit but..as I told her that she is a big girl now and in pre-school she doen't need them so now she tell me that nomore paci mommy...yes I agree with about when parents say that 2-3 yrs don't u-stand you but..oh yes they do because my 3 yr old so smart to be her age and sometimes she amazes what comes out of her month and what she does and the thing with is when you spank you're chid people say don't hit them just talk to them well..whatever because when a 3 yr tell that she the parent and the boss that tell me that they know what they are saying to the parents!!!!

Leanne - posted on 07/07/2010

PArents should be in control and children do learn by mistakes, smacking only works on some, my daughter has never been smaked and my soon as a very last measure ( only a few times), parents need to find the way of working things out that is acceptable to them and not hurt there child, rude children in public are a nightmare for everyone, so behaviour at home is also how you want your kids to behave out.

Jessica - posted on 07/07/2010

I feel the same way as many of these mothers do you just said you spank your child but he listens perfectly i dont get it!

Charlie - posted on 07/07/2010

OH MY , a child was spanked for being sick and not wanting to eat !!

Poor little child , that is heartbreaking .

Tanasha - posted on 07/07/2010

My daughter also has a favorite blankie that she uses to sleep with and sometimes will carry around the house, but she isn't "attached" to it.. she will put it down to play toys, color, watch tv with me, etc.. and she will suck her thumb during periods of stress (like sickness) or when tired. It isnt affecting her speech or the way her teeth are coming in, so I am not concerned about it, and neither is her pediatrictian. If he starts being concerned, then I will be, but I'm not going to let another person tell me "your child should do this " or "your child shouldnt do this" at a certain age, etc, because every child grows and develops differently.

Now in regards to plain outright bad behavior (screaming because mom won't buy them a cookie, toy, or whathaveyou), I do have a problem with moms who dont at least try to correct it. I threw... one or two fits in a store over an object when I was little. If I did, my mom would stop what we were doing (even if it meant leaving a full cart of groceries in isle 3) pick me up, and take me home IF I did not settle after being spoken to calmly. A couple events like that and I learned I'm not always going to get something when I go to the store and if I am not behaving, then the outing is over, which was my punishment. I do the same with my daughter, as well as try to avoid shopping times when she might be extra tired or hungry and therefor more prone to melt downs.

Emma - posted on 07/07/2010

Hi there everyone,
First I'd like to say that I have 3 kids 8 yrs, 5yrs and 2 yrs old, with my first I did not want her having a pacifier but after mths of unsettled screaming baby (which we found out was due to food intolerances) I gave in and gave her one. at the age of 2 we took it off her after mths of people judging us on her still having the dumby, and u know what she did, she started sucking her thumb instead and when tired or nervous she still does at 8 yrs old. Our only rule for her now on this issue is that it is a home thing and she is not to be walking around a shopping centre with her thumb in her mouth, which she needs constant reminder of. but I will not yell at her or spank her for it as my parents did to me as a child because I understand that she needs it at certain times. saying that my 5yr old never needed any comfiter at all. However my 2 yr old daughter was born sucking her thumb and when she started to crawl she started draging her cot blanket around with her everywhere we went, that was something she did on her own, we did not hand it to her if she was upset. She is very shy and does not like people much, she will hide from most people and cling to me or her father. We have tried to go out leaving her blanket at home but we get screaming from the minute we leave the house to the time we get home and she has her blankey back, she can't sleep without it. Sometimes even a child as young as 6mths chooses to have or do something like a blanky and forcing that away from them can be more detramental than leting them have the comfit of a thumb, dumby, teddy or blanky. when the child as a person is ready to give that comfit up and they decide that they no longer feel scared or unsafe without it then they will let go of that thing, just like adults will. I NO longer let the looks of judgement worry me from other people on this issue as I know that not having the comfit blanky with us is far worse for her and all around than the so called damage that it causes having the blanky with us. Every person in the world is different weather they be an adult or child, and if you are scared for what ever reason you find something to calm you down and make the situation bareable that maybe a blanky for a toddler or something less noticable for an adult but everyone has something that they turn to when nervous or scared. why take that away from them???

Sharon - posted on 07/07/2010

i agree with you i smacked my kids and they smack theirs .i wish that some moms who let their kids scream for the sake of screaming especially in shops and other public places i am sure they dont want to hear it so why subject other people to it.if mine started in shop and i could not calm them down i took them out of the shop eventually i managed to leave them with family or friends while i went shopping and vice versa that way everyone was happy

Andrea - posted on 07/07/2010

The word control has many meanings so those that say you should not "control" a child please understand the definition. Control can also mean "authority or ability to manage or direct" not only to "dominate influence".

Lia, I cannot believe a mother would spank their sick child because they didn't want to eat. I don't eat when I'm sick and neither does my son. You don't want people to judge you, but then you make a comment like that? How can we ignore that?

Tanasha - posted on 07/07/2010

I dont use spanking as a first resort, first of all. It is the final when all else fails (time outs, talking, taking away privelages, etc) and only if it is a repeat offense of the same behavior (i.e. running into the street for example which is a danger to the child). I dont think spanking makes a child violent as long as it is JUST spanking (i.e. on the bottom not legs or face or torso or anywhere else!) My daughter is rarely spanked, but I have used it. I am not a lazy mom I am a 24/7 mom actually. My daughter is very well adjusted, polite, friendly, inquisitive, all the things a child should be. She is not violent in any way, shape, or form, aside from the usual toddler behaviors. She is very concerned and caring for other people's feeling and emotions. And she is only 3! Does she have tantrums and melt downs? Of course she does! All toddlers do! Does she get spanked for them? No! But she does get time outs and firm talkings explaining why that behavior is unncessary. But will she get spanked for trying to run out into the street after the 5 or 6th time of being told no dont do that and why? Yes! It puts her life in danger and I think in an extreme like that I am right in doing what is necessary to get the point across. I was spanked as a child and I am a very loving, caring, and compassionate individual who dislikes conflict, fighting, all the things spanking is said to encourage. But again, it really depends on the child... not all children are the same and there are some who never get spanked and listen... wonderful for those parents! But there are also some who do, on occassion, need a small swat on the behind.. it has nothing to do with being lazy!

Andrea - posted on 07/07/2010

Oh my I don't even know what else to say to the person that spanked their child when she was sick. That just blows my mind I couldn't even imagine thinking of spanking your kids because they are sick and didn't want to eat to drink. That would be a natural thing for most people that are sick. There was a better choice you had and that was take her to the Dr. If you your child is basically going to go on a hungry strike because she sick take her to the dr do not spank her. My daughter had acid reflux and would go on feeding strikes for 5 to 6 day at time. I took her to the Dr every day durning it to make she wasn't get dyhdrated. Again this just blows my mind :(

Francesca - posted on 07/07/2010

I have never spanked my daughter. I think its a lazy parents solution to discipline. And my little girl listens great. But I would never hope to have a child that listened perfectly and behave all the time. That sounds more like a robot without independence. I would hate to think my daughter would idly listen as some adult dictates what to do. Isn't that why all those bad things happened to children when bad people told them not to tell?



You speak about kids like all kids are all the same and are all manipulating little terrors that you have to keep in check.. There are not. Some are more strong willed than others, Luckily mine is not. And its not manipulating. Its human nature. But clearly you must know everything about all children and everything to do with child rearing in your two years of experience. Wow, what an accomplishment.



But I find the whole topic disgustingly negative. If mothers are too busy judging instead of teaching their children compassion, well, its a sad world.



I feel that this thread doesn't support the spirit of COMs. This is suppose to be a supportive circle of mothers to seek advice. No one will want to ask questions if they fear they will be embarrassed in another thread. Maybe we should call it Circle of Mom Haters?

Rhonda - posted on 07/07/2010

I have to agree with you, why ar ethere so many people out there that can't seem to control their kids...... or is it they just can't be bothered to try?



Ooooops, I guess I should be more specific. In reference to parents controling their kids, I'm referring to the screaming fits while out in public not dominating them at all times. I have three kids and each of them had their moments while in public, in fact they still do at times. When these situations arose they were asked to behave and explained to that it wasn't acceptable behaviour, if this didn't work then we were on our way to the car for a time out, if that didn't settle the situation then we were homeward bound, simple. I didn't want to hear someone elses kids screaming and acting up I was sure that nobody else wanted to hear mine freaking out because they weren't allowed to have the treat or whatever it was.

Carolyn - posted on 07/07/2010

I have a 9 1/2 month old daughter who is into everything! i simply tell her no when it comes to things she really shouldnt be touching and trying to taste test! She smiles and does the poor me cry for two seconds and moves on to the next interesting object in her area.
I was spanked as a child and through my teen years even for the dumbest things. I would never do that to Mariana because i think there are other methods i can use to get my point across. I think my mother spanking me has made me a more violent person and i dont agree with spankings because of it but if its your method then have at it! All i can say is there are plenty of other ways to repremand your children without being violent.