I have a 13 year old girl that is going though issues at school. There are only 4 girls in her class and one day they are friends and the next day they are saying mean things to one another. My daughters best seems to be 2 faced to me. when Katie talks openly about her feelings to her freind her friend will go tell the one the issue was about. My daughter feels very alone and I don't know what advice to give her. I seen this going on first hand at an activity in our little town and I got to where I heard and seen enough. I went up to the two girls leanedover them and said softly

Martha - posted on 12/24/2008

Oh man, this sounds so familiar. It happens with boys, too. I don't know if this is just a small-town thing, but it is rampant in my area. My daughter and son both experienced times like this. That 13-14-15 age group can be pretty cruel to one another. My daughter handled it by creating a life outside of school and her neighborhood --- acting in a drama group in a neighboring town, we changed churches, and she developed interests that did not include flaky girls. Once they realized she was fine without playing their games and she didn't need them to feel validated (or whatever!), she got more respect. But I always told my daughter that junior high and high school are just tiny dots in the broad spectrum of her life, and once she got into college, it was a relief. She just finished her Master's and is getting married in June. My son saw this whole thing with his sister from 13-18, and he decided he would not let kids get to him like that. He let every hurtful comment or action roll off his back. Again, once kids realized they were not stirring up trouble by acting cruel, things changed. You know, it's so sad, but we have seen that a lot of these kinds of kids grow up to be adults that act just like that. How unfortunate for them.

Deirdre - posted on 12/24/2008

i know how you feel i have a daughter katie also Who went through exactly what your daughter is going through i told her 2 stay away from her friends she did for a while but their all friends again your daughter will learn as she gets older who her true friends are its best you dont say anything to the other girls as you could have there parents come up to you and have a go at you which will make things worse just give it time and it will all work out in the end.

Mary Ann - posted on 12/23/2008

I agree with previous posts in that it is difficult to watch your "baby" go through difficult times, but learning to deal with bullying, negative people, and finding her own happiness in a difficult situation are skills she will need to learn and use for the rest of her life. When I talk to my teen I usually acknowledge the feelings - that is unfair, mean, etc. If I can relate, I will share a situation from when I was a teen and how it was handled and/or how I wish I would have handled it differently. I also may compare it to those rare similar situations which occur as an adult. As part of a general discussion, I bring up options of how to handle it including how the individual might respond - good or bad. I also give the option -" is this something you think I need to address with the school or do you want to handle it on your own?" If the behavior would be considered harrassment in a work environment, we should not expect children their own problems gain strength, confidence, and independence. What she really needs to know is that she can always talk to you freely and that she will always be loved and cared for at home. Oh, but if I see the kid I will whisper to my child "Oooh I don't like her!!" She laughs and also knows I am on her side.

Mandy - posted on 12/23/2008

My 11 year old was going through thesame thing this past summer, we live in a very small town with only about 5 girls her age. All i have done is let her talk her feelings out with me and then we talk it over together on how to deal with these girls. Most of the time she has been able to figure it out herself. The only advise i told her is that never do the same as they are doing and that will make her the better person. I also told her why girls usually do that and she understood. I also explained that girls her age and even older can be very mean and as long as she does not react to the others, that they would stop the behaviors. She has been doing a great job handling these girls now and most have stop the behaviors.

Rachel - posted on 12/23/2008

As some of the other moms wrote, this is an age related thing and my heart goes out to your daughter (and to your because it's awful to see it happen to one of your children). I've always tried to ensure my children have friendships away from school, too, such as Sunday school, band, sporting club etc. It won't change the school situation but it will give her other friends who may behave differently.

Michele - posted on 12/23/2008

Unfortunatly that seems to happen in small towns the most.My oldest step daughter went through that, I think that contributed to her mental issues, but I digress. My (step)daughter is a very attractive, blond girl, and I think some of the girls felt intimidated. By junior high, she no longer fit in with the crowd she used to hang with when she was younger. She started dressing wierd and disrespecting her father and I. Her once friends shunned her and it broke my heart. I felt like you, only I wanted to line them up firing squad style and slap their faces, but I also knew that my daughter had choices and chose not to fit in. You need to talk to her about what it means to her to be a friend and look at the differences between what it means to her vs. what her friends show . Something you might try is get her involved in an activity she enjoys, in a neighboring town, she might meet new friends there that have the same "friend"values

Elizabeth - posted on 12/23/2008

correction*** taught 13 year olds FOR 8 years

Elizabeth - posted on 12/23/2008

That is so sad to hear. Having taught 13 year olds and 8 years, I can honestly tell you that it is a part of growing up, and she (unfortunately) has to resolve the issue herself (it must be really hard for a mother to see her 'baby' going through this. If you have a good relationship with her teacher, talk to him/her...and if he/she is a good teacher, he/she will nip it in the butt. I would express my feelings to my daughter and 'open' her eyes to the options she has as friends. Girls are really mean at this age. I once taught a class of 12 (all females) and it was the worst class EVER. Good luck and hug your daughter for us.

Wendy - posted on 12/23/2008

Teen age girls, especially 13-15 year olds seem to be searching to find their place in the social circle. My daughter who is 14 has had similar problems and we have used it as a learning experience for her. She is learning that there are some people you can not trust to keep things secret, and there are some things you should not share if you do not want it getting back to the person it is about. When she needs to vent we encourage her to vent to us, then she will not have to have to worry about someone going to the person it is about. There is a great book that has given me insight into the world our daughters are in, it is called "Queenbees and Wannabees". It explains the social circles and who the different players are. You will see your daughter and her friends in the different girls described in the book, and better understand what they think they are getting out of their actions. Another thing is that I try to stay out of it while she works through her friend"bumps" unless I see that it is above her capacity to handle. Then I get the other parents/teachers/administration involved so she can learn how to use the network that is in place to help resolve problems appropriately (I never speak to the children directly, only their parents, as that can have disastrous results). I hope that helps.

Danielle - posted on 12/23/2008

Hi Dorothy...When I was a kid, the same thing happened to me with a friend of mine. After a while, I got hip to what she was doing and I just stopped telling her things. Kids go through these things and once your daughter gets wind of exactly what's going on and gets tired enough, she'll cut the girls off who aren't treating her the way she thinks she should be. As far as approaching the kids, I wouldn't do it. Your daughter is almost in high school where you won't be able to lean over and straighten a girl out for her. Let her find her way. Talk to her and let her know that you see what's going on and it's not right and she doesn't have to be friends with people who mistreat her and make her feel bad.