I have a 13 year old girl who has been treating me horribly.

Megan - posted on 02/26/2010 ( 233 moms have responded )

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My daughter and the things she says to me are hurtful and she doesn't seem to care. I know the teenage years are the worst (I was one once) but never talked to my mother that way. Everything is my fault, and she turns things around to make it my fault. I am @ a loss on what to do. Taking things away - she doesn't care. It's like she enjoys treating me like crap. Everybody who meets her thinks she is the sweetest and most polite and lovable girl. Not w/me. I call her "SYBIL" or the "EXORCIST" (not to her, and she wouldn't know what that means). What do I do???? I can't do or say anything right. Any suggestions. I have asked her why she says such mean things to me and she responds "I don't, you do it to me". In her brain, does she really think I do or is it just an answer. I asked her if she talks to her friends the way she talks to me and she said "no". So, by that answer, I know she knows that she is not nice to me. Please help!!!!!

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Krista - posted on 02/26/2010

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Is there something that she regularly needs you to do for her? Drive her somewhere, or do some particular favour? Or is there a dance or party coming up?

The next time she gets bitchy, and says that you're making her do it, I'd say "No. I am not putting those words in your mouth. You are CHOOSING to say what you are saying. And I am CHOOSING to tell you that if you speak to me like that again, you will not be going to (insert desired activity) on Friday. So, the choice is yours. You can speak to me with a civil tongue in your head, and go to (desired activity), or you can continue to speak to me in a hateful manner and you'll stay home on Friday night and clean the bathroom. Your old enough to start making your own choices, so there's one for you to make. It's completely and utterly up to you. I'm not going to make you choose one way or the other." Then, if she does get bitchy, enforce it. Say, "Well, I told you that you had the choice of speaking to me like that and staying home, or being respectful and going to the party. I made it very clear what your choices were, and you have obviously made your choice. And now you are going to live with the consequences of that choice. There's the Mister Clean, there's the bucket. Go to it."

That's what I would do in theory, anyway. I don't have a teenage daughter, but I WAS a teenage girl once, and a seriously mouthy one, too (as the regulars here could probably have already guessed.) And the only thing that ever worked with me was just a calm, consistent, application of consequences for my actions and reminding me that my actions were my own choice. She'll probably be furious. I was. But eventually it'll get better.

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Just a suggestion, if you have a camcorder record her bad behaviour and play it back to her so she can see what she's like from a different view point.

Colette - posted on 02/26/2010

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Oh Meagan,
Teenage daughters should be illegal. They couselor told us that our daughter lashed out at me because she knew I would love her no matter no matter what (a compliment he said) When she got angery and frustrated at kids at school she wouldn't say anything to them because then they may not like her so she brought it home it home to me. She would hurt my feeling and I would cry and that was showing her that her anger was being felt and for some reason that felt fair to her. She had been hurt and now was hurting back but noo one at school was mad at her or going to say anything. It was a very uncomfortable circle of events and went on way to long for my liking but now is 30 and we are very close. Hang in there and just keep telling her you love her. It's ok for her to know you don't like her and you don't like her behavior as long she knows she is loved.

April - posted on 03/05/2010

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Two Books: Boundaries for children, Love Language of Kids... Also, I just want to tell you that grounding is a great thing to do... taking things a way is a start, but if that doesnt phase her, grounding should do the trick. U can do grounding in phases... For instance if she loves talking on the phn or on the computer, put a limit on it. For example: She can't use the phone or computer after 6 p.m.. If she continues to be disrespectful, you can take it away completely. If she usually goes to bed at 10, round up her bedtime. If she loves watching television, limit her television. Take away priviledges that she loves....Let her know that she can regain her priviledges (in increments) once she communicates to you in a respectful manner. Reading the love language of a child, and boundaries will help guide you on what probably would be good ways to discipline your daughter. Even if she gives you a hard time about the discipline stick to your guns... Otherwise, you will loose ground. You don't ever want to compromise with a rule breaker. Even when she is yelling at you, you make sure that you are always remainng at a softer tone.

Other ways to build the bridge to her teen castle:

You could start making sure that you guys eat dinner together at the table. If you don't already. Make it to where she has to be there at a specific time everyday. For instance if dinner time is at 6 p.m. make it a requirement.

You could slip notes under her bedroom door: like I love you notes, or encouraging words, not referencing anything about her attitude... Just words that lift her up...Something that fits her personality but also yours.

Have a family game night, where she can invite a couple of friends, and you play games like Monoply, or etc... there are alot of games that everyone can enjoy!



Remember that building a bridge takes work, but it can be done....



Also, when your daughter is gone, go in her bedroom, and start praying the word of GOD.

Always speak life about your daughter, because the way she is acting is not who she is.... She is more than a conqueror, she is wise, slow to anger, obedient, and etc...

I am a firm beleiver that your words are powerful, even if you are not saying it to your daughters face, you are speaking your own reality.

So always, no matter what it looks like speak what you want. Begin to thank God for giving you wisdom on how to raise your beautiful daughter.

Write your hopes down for your daughter.

Write her great qualities down.

Begin to thank God for all your hopes for your daughter, and thank God for all the good qualities...

Even write down the qualities you want her to have, and begin to thank God for those.



Remember you are not alone, and stand your ground.



The Blogger Mouth.

Tanya - posted on 02/27/2010

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Unfortunately some teenagers aren't how you would like them to be..i have 2 of my own and when they feel as tho they don't want to respect me..i let them fend for themselves and find out the hard way..i've also taken things away from them and they don't seem to care anymore, but i've learned that the older they get the more they want, and the more they want to go out and hang out with their friends..so therefore..i take their freedom away from them..the way i see it is i can come and go as i please, but they can't..it doesn't bother me to have them mopeing around the house with an attitude..because guess where they're doing it..that's right..in the house..we as parents need to take control of our kids before it gets out of control..who cares what other people think..kids are only going to do what parents allow them to do..Lay Down the Law!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Katherine - posted on 03/05/2010

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Hi Megan,

At 200 posts we lock a thread. If you want to reference it please copy and paste the link.



Thanks

Katherine

WtCoM

Administrator

Amanda - posted on 03/05/2010

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Join the club, I've a 13 year old boy the exact same!!! And to make it worse every1 think's i'm mad when I tell them because he only turn's in2 this monster when he's with me, if Dad's around it doesn't happen so when I explain and complain when he comes home my son has a perfectly good explaination on how i'm makin it up, then I get blamed that it's coz i'm a girl n my other 2 children aged 10 n 2 r girls and i never complain dem coz I let dem get away with everythin!!! I'm just hoping he'll grow out of it, I haven't punished him coz I was hopin dat knowin it was hurtin me n I was hurtin was punishment enuf, and d fact dey don't tell u everythin so we don't know maybe in school r friends what exactly is going on in der lives r dey exacting revenge on us who dey luv 4 d actions of other people!!! Oh just wait 4him 2 have a teenager, revenge is a dish best served cold, ha. God dat sounds a bit mad. Hope ur ok though it just seems it will never end!! Oh n if u find a miracle answer dat works please let me know.... ;)

Charlene - posted on 03/05/2010

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I feel for you. I went through the same thing too with my children. Don't feel like you did anything wrong because you didn't. She is acting out for some unknown reason. I would suggest maybe counseling or if you go to church see if the pastor would be willing to talk to her. My children now tell me that they were sorry for the way they treated me. But just remember it is not your fault.

Bonnie - posted on 03/05/2010

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I would sit quietly, just the two of you, and explain how her words and actions are hurtful. Then tell her that you will no longer be available to drive her places or buy her stuff or whatever else it is you do for her. "Sorry dear but I am exhausted from being treated this way and will not be able to drive, buy, give, etc. Perhaps when you decide to treat me with respect I will feel more life doing things for you such as laundry." Sound very sad about the entire thing and sympathetic to her but quit enabling her. You are letting her get away with unaceptable behaviors! good luck and keep us posted

Mayra - posted on 03/05/2010

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Well, let me tell you I know were your coming from my daughter isn't 13 yet but she is 10. She started back talking to me in August when school started...She said mena things to me she said I spent money only on me ,that I hated her and her brother because they were in my way...Any ways one week-end I took my son who is 2 years older to my moms house so I could talk to her alone..i told her everything I went though growing up with my family my parents and that they never spoke to us about what we felt ...I even told her about my faher hitting my mom one day and I called the cops on him....We cried ,we laughed and she finally said she was mad because her dad was not coming to see her and that she though I did nothing to help...I spoke to her dad and said it was not my fault...Megan try to find out her real anger....you would be surpriced it might not even be about you!...good luck!

Meadow - posted on 03/05/2010

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My oldest who is 15 has ODD. Or rather Oppositional defiant disorder. And ADD on top of that with hormones. Having said that, and knowing that my teen has her moments, we have good and bad ones. But mostly with ODD, it doesn't make a different weither you bribe your child or threathen to take everything away. IT DOESN"T EFFECT HER.

Currently we are all going to therapy. My husband and I are also going to a "positive parenting" class that we have through the Navy. After that it's the class made just for teens and then toddlers since we have one of those too.

But things that I have fround that work for my teen and make her stop and look at me. She'll come in with a bad addittude, and yell. And I yell back "do you want me to yell at you" and then I really lower my voice "or would you like me to talk to you like this?

I also stop to listen and repeat what she says, so she know that I am listening to her. I can also tell her that I am having a bad day and be careful what you say. Though I have also told her to go to her room until she can talk to me instead of at me. We have both learned to aplogize to each other and know that some days are just bad days. I always tell her that I will always love her, but not always like her actions. I give her options to punishments, which seems weird but it keeps the drama down. I will ask for her opinion in things but I will at times tell her that it's not needed. and I will sneak up and grabs her to tickle her or give her a hug. And she does it with me. She knows that I would love to be her friend but I have to be her mom first and for most. Love and Logic books helped us, therapy helped us, reading books on your teenager is crazy or the primal teen are great books. Take a deep breath, stay calm,shoot, I also put my daughter and myself into Martial Arts to legally beat out our frusteration with each other. Being able to hit and kick something helps. But you will find something that works, just don't give up, learn to count to a zillion, I am way past there. Just remember that even at 15 they still are kids. I wasn't, I was working and going too school. But I don't compair how I was raised to how I have decided to raise my daughter and let me still be a kid. But we are a major work in progress, this din't happen over night. It's taken us eight months of seriously trying to do something different.

Amy - posted on 03/05/2010

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My ony suggestion is when she yells at you / says mean things- just smile and say "But I still Love you"... it is a phase and like you said she is polite to everyone else she is just taking it out on you because she can... she knows you will love her anyway... so tell her that and walk away. I know that it is not much help but really arguing with a teenage girl is not fun and really does not help in the end. If she is playing up at school, sneaking out etc... of course you will have to do something more, but she is just searching for her independence and working out who she is in the world... and when you can and you can get h er in a good mood... sneak her out for some quality one to one time... she will remember these days more than her 'bad' days ehen she is older.....good luck!

Sybil - posted on 03/05/2010

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Did this happen before she turned thirteen? If she has acted up some and it has gotten worse as she has gotten older, you may have a problem. My granddaughter was like that and by the time she got to be a teenager she was horrible. She treated her mom the same way. Sometimes when she mouthed off and acted up her mother would make her go take a hot bath and soak for a while. This would relax her and calm her down. When she got out of the tub she would apoligize to her and tell her she loved her and didn't know why she acted that way. Later she was told by doctors she was adhd bipolar.

Anna - posted on 03/05/2010

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Teenagers, ha ha don't you just love them.I have two daughters 12 & 13 yrs and i love them to bits. But yes,things have changed.Don't get me wrong they are good girls so im lucky that way, but like you its their attitude the way they speak to you as if your daft or something i cant stand that.I do find grounding them does work, the probblem with some parents is they get fed up with them and let them back out about an hour or two after so they know there going to get away with it (whats the point in that?) Also their phone, omg whats the most inportant thing in a teenage girls life,apart from makeup (the phone)again dont give it back until she earns it. The punishment has to fit the crime.Your daughters only going to get bigger so you want to nip this in the bud now before it gets out of hand. Good Luck xx

Leah - posted on 03/05/2010

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Above all, stay calm. That will drive her crazy. It sometime helps if you walk out of the room. Don't ever tell her to go to the room. You be the one to leave the room if she cannot treat you with the same respect that you give her. You are obligated to provide her with food, clothing, shelter, etc., but I'll bet you provide her with a lot of extras such as nice clothes, cellphone, whatever. Calmly tell her that you will not continue providing these "extras" to someone who doesn't respect you. After all, why would you want to provide nice things to someone who doesn't treat you with respect. You should value yourself more than that. Respect her, listen to her opinions, say yes to her as much as you can, but don't let her mistreat you without suffering the loss of something that she wants. Just stay calm and matter-of-fact as you slowly take her privileges away. Things will get worse before they get better, and the next several years will be rocky and full of ups and downs. Just stay the course, don't give up.

Sharon - posted on 03/05/2010

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I can understand where you are coming from, I have a 14 year old boy who is pushing it at the moment too.

Firstly I would suggest you have a good look at yourself, I don't mean to be mean but sometimes we don't see how we are behaving and maybe she's right, Do oyu speak to her the same?

It is so easy to get caught up in the conversation and in the heat of the moment say things we know is wrong, but they just push you to the limit. I know this because I have done it.

Secondly, has anything changed with you or home that maybe she is feeling insecure about something. I know at the moment I am working such alot and haven't made any time and don't have the patience for him when I am home. That makes a difference and I think he takes it personally.

Thirdly, RULES! got to have them more now than ever before. Write them down and have concequences for when the rules are broken. She will hate you to start with but you are the adult and she lives in your house and these are the rules. Don't give in or she has won.

She needs to know that you love here unconditionally, no matter what but you don't have to like her behaviour.

I wish oyu all the luck and let me know how you get on.

Sharon

Grace - posted on 03/05/2010

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Well, her frontal lobe is not fully developed -- the part of your brain that allows you to make good decisions. So, at this time in her life, the world is about her. So, it is obvious that she may need a counselor to talk to. She's trying to find her own identity. I suggest you pray and ask God for guidance. Remember, you were a teen once. I don't know anything about your discipline, such as whether you are consistent in punishments or if you ground her for, say, a week, but then give her back the privileges you took away sooner than that. You remember, YOU are the parent and not her friend, you are her frontal lobe until hers matures. That's what I tell my boys. I hate to punish my boys for any reason, but hey, you have to do what is best for them. I know a lot of people do not want to let their kids know the foolish things they did when they were teenagers, but I tell my boys and I always let them know how STUPID some of those actions were, and I reiterate over and over how I can't believe I was that stupid to do something so stupid. If she treats other people with respect and not you, she needs to be straightened out. You really need to seek some outside help because when they are at this age, they could run away and they really believe they are invincible. Good luck and pray, for God is listening.

Lisa - posted on 03/05/2010

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Hi

Just reading this, I no expert but, if you have a close friend, aunty, grandmother or someone who your daughter looks up to could talk to her about it maybe she might open up to them. I come from a family of 4 girls and I can't imagine what it was like for my mum, this stage of our lives is probably the most difficult... hormones raging, boys, how we fit in to the world, and let's face it, "it all about ME" time.. If everyone else tells you she is sweet and loveable, I am sure this will pass, I have heard this from other mum's as well, we are all completely embarrassing to them because they are "to cool for school" LOL, Maybe punishing her will make her resent you, especially if there is a underlying "something" that is truly bothering her...if not, I thought Sharon's comment about recording her behavior sounds like a good idea, because that might be "completely embarrassing" for her to see .. I wish you all the best..

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Just reading some of the suggestions that have been made by people i have to agree with Krista Elliotts suggestion as I have done to my gils what Krista had suggested and I have also grounded them. I have six daughters and 5 of them are now adults and all my girls have all the love and respect in the world for me even my son my 16 yr old daughter and I have our arguments but in the end I am right and she knows it and i will always tell them all that I love them no matter what there is a saying " you always hurt the one you love the most" i hope some of the suggestions that people have told will help hang in there it does get better.

Cara - posted on 03/05/2010

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im so sorry your having these issues... i went through that with mine. i had to step back from the situation and take a breath then try again... i just told my daughter that i will always be here for her no matter what and shes not going to run me out of her life so she needed to get over it. she went through this for a few months(6-8 months).... some can be pms also... then stresses at school and her not thinking you would understand. im not sure but it could be a number of things and just have to keep trying until you find the trigger. good luck.

Francie - posted on 03/05/2010

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it sounds like she needs to go to counseling and find out why she thinks you are doing it and not her. Maybe even some family counseling with the two of you might help.

Dayna - posted on 03/05/2010

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No matter how hard she keeps pushing you away, just remind her that you love her regardless and when things go wrong which they will she will turn to you, if their is constant picking from both side it won't help, Don't take anything she says to heart no matter how bad it is. It is a age thing defying parents etc..................

[deleted account]

As someone else correctly pointed out, teenagers can be very sensitive. The difference between being sensitive and being merely selfish, however, lies in whether someone is willing to consider the feelings of others as well her own issues. So if your desire is to raise a daughter who is sensitive, but not selfish, you may have some work ahead.



YES you need the full, consistent, unfailing support of your husband. Parents should be ACTIVELY united in not allowing disrespectful talk to either father or mother. If the father adores his daughter to the point where he's willing to stand aside while she trashes her mother, and to dismiss it with some notion that the daughter is merely being "spirited" or "independent," both he and the mother will reap the whirlwind later.



YES there should be consequences, determined and clearly set out for your daughter beforehand, for each incident of disrespect. What those consequences should be depends on what form of deprivation is most meaningful to your particular child.



Talking about your own feelings about the things your daughter is saying can be good, provided that such talk doesn't leave her with the impression that she has weakened or actually demeaned you in any way. One approach might be to say something like "It makes me sad to hear you speak that way to me, but even sadder to see you behaving in a way that amounts to pretending that you know no better. This isn't the way that you've been raised. It's the behavior of someone who was raised in a BARN, and in choosing to behave that way, you're not shaming me--you're shaming yourself."



Good luck!

Kellie - posted on 03/05/2010

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My daugher was the same way - hit 13 and she was a disaster = puberty was a nightmare. Your daughter needs to know whole heartedly that you love her, hug her and kiss her, but let her know in a very patient voice that you will not take such abuse anymore. Stand strong - do not let her get away with speaking to you in an abusive manner and you can not speak to her abusively either. Once she knows what "buttons to push" she will push them. After I began telling my daughter the way things were "going to be" and why, she stopped some of her antics. She had to know that I meant business. Your daughter must have something that is her favorite - using the cell phone, playing Xbox or something. Remove it from her room - totally - cords and ALL - several days. Grounding a few days usually helps too. Watch her closely and be sure there are no drugs involved or is she running with friends that impact her negatively - peer pressure is worse now that it ever has been. Maybe a friend should not be welcomed in your home anymore. Your partner needs to do the same. Stand strong, do not let her get you into the red zone. Once she knows that she can upset you, she will continue to do it.

April - posted on 03/05/2010

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I have 2 step kids ones 15 and ones 17 in two months. The advice I can give is that she is Not happy about something that is going on with HER.. This doesnt seem to be about her problem with you persay. If she starts saying mean things just tell her Honey Im sorry that you feel that way but I Love you and walk away. It might take a while but if you turn her negative energy into a positive energy she will get tired of losing Her so called battle and give up. She may be struggling with something really deep right now. She needs your love and affection weather or not she knows it. Its really hard to be a teenager .. I can remember it like yesterday and I see it everyday with the kids around me. Thank goodness my daughter keeps me in the loop .. Down here its same sex relationships and if you dont do it your a nobody.. I think that when she isnt doing this to you and she is just setting there watching tv get her attention and just tell her that you love her and if she needs to talk to you. YOU will make the time for her. Just let her know your there.. Sounds like she is punishing you for something that is happening to her. She doesnt know how to handle whats going on with her.. could be small, could be huge.. To a teenager everything is huge.. Whatever you do dont let her think that you dont care.. I hope this helps..So many parents are so busy now that they dont realize that kids use negative energy as a cry for help... I Pray that things get better in your situation. Your a WONDERFUL MOM for seeking knowledge from other parents.. I wish you the best with your daughter.

Reiko - posted on 03/05/2010

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This may be a little hurtful to her at first. what i have learned from having a 14 year old daughter is this. Early on when they are small you have to teach them how to respect you and adults or they simply won't. my daughter started getting off the path in 7th grade and I hd to sit down with her and explainhow the next 5 years was going to work for us. i will not allow her speking loudly to me saying hurtful things to my face, or acting out. I have been firm with her in doing that. taking away privileges like TV, Cell, social activities it works. I try to listen to her complaints about things adn give her honest answers adn why i came to feel that way. it's not easy but its a start communication is the key to everything. the kids these days are very different from when we were kids but long a they r in your house its your rules.

Kristie - posted on 03/05/2010

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Having 2 girls in their teens 13 & 15 I can totally understand your frustration. Even though there's No excuse for the behavior-remember -13-your body is changing, and a lot of girls are getting there periods or are really close. She vents/lashes out on you because she feels like she can-no she would'nt dare to her friends because she'd lose them. Our girls do lose items when acting up-key items-cell phone & computer/laptop. Remember to pick your battles w/her-that's huge-and remember that you don't answer to her-you can just walk away when she's in a mood. You don't have to take her places, or do things-buy things for her. Take a deep breath one night during her fit and calmly tell her the way it's going to be and walk away. Our oldest has everyone fooled too (she's not nice)-but don't put up w/the crap--and you can always get her where it'd hurt any teenager--you can take away her precious designer clothes-or makeup or heaven forbid if you can-spend the day with her at school-total humiliation-yes it's a bit extreme, but when I ask my teenage boys if they'd like me to follow them through school they get a mortified look on their faces and say NO. Good luck to you!!!

Kimberly - posted on 03/05/2010

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Mom, I know how you feel but it really does get better. Keep her involved in activities and be there for her no matter what. She will say some of the most aweful things but if you are there and you are consistant in your love and support it will pass. I actually took my daughter to counseling to help us get through that spot in life. We went through black gothic...(scary time) then she found an interest (FFA) and thngs began to change and it was also something we could do together and have something comon to talk about. Say lots of prayers.... hope this helps stay strong

Steph - posted on 03/05/2010

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my parents would do family video with us..and all kinds of bad behavior was caught in the back ground..it was very embarrassing to see, and may be good for her to see herself through the eyes of others..

Theresa - posted on 03/05/2010

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Are you close to her best friend and her mother? If so get some help there if you could.

Trust in them to shed light on her problem. It just could be the changes she is going thur with her body and that nasty PMS. Sit down and have a girl to girl talk let her know you are there to help her with her troubles not to add to them. Remind her how much you love her and want to help her,let her air what she thinks you are doing or saying wrong to her and go from there. I hope this helps. Theresa C.

Jennifer - posted on 03/05/2010

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Perhaps some free councelling from your family minister or church youth worker would help for you both?

[deleted account]

You have had a lot of responses on here and an awful lot of things to think about. I tried most of these things with my daughters when they were at that stage - what works for one doesn't always work for another. She is hurtful to you because her hormones are crazy at this age and she knows she can hurt you or try out different hurting tactics on you because you love her and will no matter what. She knows how much she is hurting you but doesn't care because of this. She can behave to you as she might want to behave to her friends but knows if she did (with her friends) she might lose their friendship. Knowing this doesn't make it easier for you to deal with. One thing I was recommended and I did was, after a bad session - sit down, when you are calm, and write her a letter and just leave it in her room. I did this a couple of times and it really did help. Tell her how you felt after the argument, Don't tell her off in the letter - just tell her how you were really hurt but you understand how she feels. She cannot argue back or interrupt while she is reading the letter - and she will read it - out of curiosity if nothing else. It may get through. Tell her she can always come to you with whatever is upsetting her and you are always there for her no matter what. Tell her all the things you want to say when she is giving you a hard time but can't because of the heat of the moment. Please try this. I know it worked with my daughters. One of them is on here and can testify - she is now a very level headed woman with a daughter who will go through the same stage in a few years. I would give her the same advice. Good luck.

Diane - posted on 03/05/2010

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make it clear that you dont stand for her behavior. do whatever it takes : ground her, take EVERYTHING from her,spank if you want to ( how embarrassing to get smacked) take her door off. if she cant respect you, she cant have privacy,etc. make her fend for herself in some instances. let her know that if she is "grown" enough to be a jerk to her own mother, she can get what she needs herself. when my mom would whip me into shape, even though i was punished, she told me she loved me before she walked away.

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I like Terra's response .. my suggestion is to read some parenting books by Dr James Dobson.(not that you don't know how to parent, but it is a good resource). I raised three sons on his prinicples...my favorite book was Parenting Isn't For Cowards.. he has a talk show on the radio, Focus on the Family ,,you may be able to google to find a radio station in your area. I loved his shows, it was great to hear other people dealing with similar issues and how their resolutions came about...Teenage years are challenging for everyone,..I'll be praying for you ... hang in there! .:)

Julie - posted on 03/05/2010

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BRIDGETTE ,YOU DON'T HAVE TO beat HER DOWN JUST A SLAP ON THE BEHIND WILL WORK BUT YOUR RIGHT ABOUT THE POLICE MY SON FOUND OUT THAT HIS MOM WAS WILLING TO GO TO JAIL AND NOT AFRAID OF THE POLICE

Tina - posted on 03/05/2010

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My daughter is 8 and I can tell you now she would never and never will talk to me that way b/c I won't allow it..She is talking to and treating you that way b/c you have obv. handed everything to her. She is does these things b/c she knows your not going to do anything about it, make her do chores she would not normally do, dont let her go about her normal day, don't let her go with her friends, don't drive her to places, you have to make her know that you are the adult, that is your house not hers, you buy her clothes feed her and so forth, take all of that away..She could be lashing out if you are seperated from your spouse, she may feel that you don't spend enough time with her or talk to her, what ever it is she is not going to share with you untill you stop allowing her to treat you that way...all these women talking about grounding or truning your ear that is what you have done for so long she don't care how you feel b/c you stopped paying attention to her, you already turned your back b/c u don't know what to do..calling in professionals is not needed either..take a weekend trip and get all of this out int he open, & don't allow her to walk out on you when she starts shutting down..You can make progress in 7 days if you stick with it..good luck

Valerie - posted on 03/05/2010

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♥☠Take some time and start being a "Friend" to her too..Ask her about the boys @ school.Who she likes..Not only should you have mother daughter relationship but you can also be her best friend.Someone she can talk to ANYTHING about..I am that way with my niece and our relationship is heaven..11 years and not one mean thing has ever came out of her mouth to me.I have a 1 year old daughter and intend to be not only her mother..but her friend♥☠

Bridgette - posted on 03/05/2010

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Sorry for all that see this and DON"T agree.. It is time for you to BEAT her down. SORRY but I told my 18 year old she had to go and she has a a little child that just turned one in January. Now she is Younger that my daughter so you can't do what I did. Talking to her is not working so In real life you need to beat her down and if she says something about calling the police , as you are ppicking up the phone tell you she don't need to call cause you got them on SPEED dial and she will change all that.!! Y'all can get mad at me, block me or whatever. It's time!!! I seak my mind.

Wendy - posted on 03/05/2010

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Hormones and the need to break from parents are usually behind this kind of thing, but it never hurts to just ask, "Are you having a bad day or something? Because the Janie I know and love would never treat me like you just did." Then wait for a response. If something is really bothering her, she may just unload it on you and you can then help her deal with it. It also lets her know that you think she is better than that and kind of gives her a "save face" way to apologize. I had one time where my oldest son was being just terrible and he called me a b**** and used the F word. That isn't tolerated in our house. I tried to deal with it but he was kind of out of control. I called my husband and told him what had happened and asked for advice. He said he'd be right home. He actually left work and came home, took our son by the shirt collar and physically marched him into his room. He told him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES was he to EVER treat his wife in that manner. He gave him a lesson on how to treat a woman, and especially his mother that they laugh about now. He was scared to death to see his dad home in the middle of the day, but it made a big enough impression on him that we didn't have that problem any more. He is now a doctor and tells the story with gusto and laughter, but it did have a big impact. He realized that a mother is worthy of respect and that his dad would insist on her being treated that way. If your husband is willing, show this to him and when/if it happens again, you might see if this might work. It would really have to be sincere though - kids, especially teens can see through going through the motions. Good luck and try to remember it most likely isn't about you - she just doesn't know how to deal with all the changes happening to her. Keep telling her you love her anyway.

Julie - posted on 03/05/2010

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yes I agree but spanking won't help I know my mother spanked me so many times I ended up not like her very much which HURT ME MORE THAN THE SPANKINGS

Niesha - posted on 03/05/2010

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I would first say that you needs to first of all let her know who is in charge, it simply sounds like she's do 4 a spanking

Julie - posted on 03/05/2010

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Megan I truly know how you feel,what worked with my daughter and I was depending on the "crime" she would be grounded in different ways,what I mean is when my daughter decided to pound nails in the wall instead of confronting me she was put on full ground for 1 or 2 days full ground meant she had to be in her room after school no phone,no company nothing that would bring her joy she had to stay in her room the whole time except for go to toilet she ate in her room. Also try repeating what she says in a kinder way helped my daughter and I a lot.My daughter is 22,she graduated from high school,college is a respiratory therapist,senior certified pharmacy tech works two jobs and has 3year old daughter,so what i did must have did wonders as everyone is saying hang in there it may get worse before it gets better. When she screams I HATE YOU SAY BUT I STILL LOVE YOU!! I know this is very hard iI have two kids my son is 35 now

and let me say everything was my fault even when I wasn't there,and that was from the age of 6 with both of my kids,yes there is a thirteen years difference but I learned from my son so when my daughter to where he was when the trouble started I knew what would work and boy did it get to them when my comeback to their I Hate you was BUT I love you and not being able to leave their room made them what they are today.

Peggy VanDyke - posted on 03/05/2010

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if you talked to your parents like that what would they have done? and I ask that because I raised my grand daughter and she tried that and I resorted to what my parents did when I got smart with them. Also, my older son was on probation as a teenager and was told by his proby, in response to something he said to me and I clocked him, that there was such a thing a Parent abuse, calmed him down, he is 41 now and has total respect for me now.

Corissa - posted on 03/05/2010

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I have a 14 year old who is doing the same thing. Her dad and I have been divorced for 2 years and he is remarried and is expecting a child by his new wife and my teenager acts like she has multiple personalities. She is sweet and lovable at her dad's and the demon spawn with me. I ground her from phone and friends coming over and she says she doesn't care, but I think she wants me to believe she doesn't care, because when she gets her "priviledges" back she is ecstatic. I know it's hard, but don't let her know she is getting to you!! I think that is their goal. Good Luck!!

Julie - posted on 03/05/2010

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Megan,

Teenage daughters can be a real trial. On thing children do is test to see if you love them enough to stop them from doing hurtful or dangerous things. She knows that she owes you respect but she wants to know if you will require it. The next time she is mouthy very calmly say, "What you are doing is out of line and I'm not going to allow it anymore. The next time you do this you will be choosing to accept being grounded (or not using the phone, or whatever she loves a lot) for 3 days. If that isn't long enough and you do it again you will be choosing to increase the time. It's really important that she know that the punishment is her choice. I used to teach parenting classes and it is so important that our chiulren realize that bad behavior is a choice and when they choose bad behvior they are also choosing the punishment. It is vital that you not back down even one inch. If you do she will know that you do not mean what you say. The battle will be lost. Good luck.

Charlee - posted on 03/05/2010

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Establish a true pecking order. She is your daughter, your responsiblity is to grow her up to be a responsible respectful adult. You are NOT her peer. She cannot speak to you in that manner, if she does there MUST be reprocussions. Period.

Doris E - posted on 03/05/2010

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hi ,dont do somthing for her,,,,no more,,, it workt for me,,,,,give her a week,,,,

Fay - posted on 03/05/2010

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Get a grip on it now and let her know that it is unacceptable behavior and won't be tolerated. If you let it continue it will only get worse. My first daughter was always mouthy and back taked me, we argued constantly because we both always had to have the last owrd. I had to let her know that I was the mom and she needed to respect that. We are so close now and she respects the mom I am.

Shelly - posted on 03/05/2010

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You know I had that problem too with my daughter when she was 13 also. Fortunately it only lasted for a short time. I ignored what I could (to extinguish the behavior) realizing she was just trying to assert her independence and own personality. When it got to a point that I couldn't ignore, I grounded her to her room w/o tv or phone. It ended shortly after that. If she has a cell phone that would be the first to go, along with extra privileges. She will out grow this. My daughter is now my best friend and 29. It was worth it for her to be able to develop her own self.

Sylvia - posted on 03/05/2010

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Yes, and eventually he'll get the hint that everything doesn't work his way. I've always told mine that it's okay to be pissed with me, but I am still the parent and make the rules. And when they feel they no longer wish to operate under those rules the door awaits! They have no idea what awaits them out there and they think it is always much greener in someone else's backyard. That is until reality hits and they see they have it a whole lot better!!

Danielle - posted on 03/05/2010

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i am going through that with my 12 yr old son who thinks like sucks and isnt fair mommy doesnt understand and the whole world is out to get him. i take his stuff away for being a moody like pissant and stick him in his room. i take his tv out of his room and everything. he still talks to me like im a piece of shit but i dont have to listen to him if he is upstairs in his room

Jamie - posted on 03/05/2010

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Are you sure you aren't talking about my 13 yr old? I'm going through the exact same thing with my daughter! She is in her room right now after trying to beat up her brother while I was in the shower. I told her that she needs to come up with a plan of action in regards to her behavior. What is the problem? What is her goal? What things can she do to reach her goal? and How can I help her reach her goals? We will see if that helps. Know that you are not alone. Good luck!

Sylvia - posted on 03/05/2010

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I personally do not agree with the posting of paying your child to be nice and respectfull to you. Afterall, she is the child and you are the parent, and you do not pay people to do that. Be the Parent and tell her that respect is a two way street, you respect her and she you. If she has a cell phone, yes take it away without announcing you will do it. Telling her when her behavior changes, so will yours. I have 3 girls and know what you must be feeling. The oldest was the child from Hell for a yr and I told myself constantly "This too shall pass", and I stuck to my guns with all the house rules, and just as the phase started it ended and I had my loving child back again. Sometimes I think it is their job to really put us to the test. Show them who's boss -- you are! Be stern but also show the Love - eventually she'll get the hint.

Loni - posted on 03/05/2010

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Stick to your guns.....let her know what you will and will not absolutely accept from her and don't change it..........stay calm.........You can do it.......don't forget to give her the consequences.......don't break down...... be firm, but loving.......

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