I have a 13 year old girl who has been treating me horribly.

Faye - posted on 03/01/2010

From A Course in Miracles. "Every loving thought is true. Everything else is a call for love." She is reaching out for love. Her method is crude and highly dysfunctional of course, but still she is reaching out for love. I know that doesn't tell you how to handle this, but if you understand where she is coming from maybe you won't be so hurt by her words, can reassure her that she is loved and maybe it will pass in time if she feels better about herself. Moms are an easy target for anger and frustration.

Jacqueline - posted on 03/01/2010

Raising a teenager is like nailing jelly to the wall. I have 17yo and he speaks HORRIBLY to me. He is 4 months from being 18. The younger teens were not that bad but right now it's mostly tears and heart ache.

Holly - posted on 03/01/2010

I have been in the same spot as you. We have discovered our daughter has a low self esteem and some problems with depression. These are normal for girls their age. The problem is parents not wanting to accept it. Girls at this age are horrible to each other and to themselves and are not sure how to deal with it. So what happens is they take it out on their moms. Reason being is we are the closest person to them. What we have done is this. She is talking to someone outside our family, she and I have what is called 5 minutes to rant/rave(she can tell me anything and I have to just listen I can't say a word till she's done) she can tell you anything without punishment(within reason). What this does is makes her realize mom is human to and can be her best advocate. Also she must earn everything! Computer, tv, video games,etc. Bed time is always 8:30 during school week, 9:30 weekends (unless she has earned a special outing such as sleepover or movie with friends. She has her cell phone but does not have any extras, it's only a phone, she gets it when she leaves for school and hands it back when she comes home(unless she has earned talk time). Basically don't yell at her, don't compromise, and most of all walk away if she's disrespecting you! She needs to know you can ignore her too. It will be hard for all of you but well worth it. Good Luck!

Karla - posted on 03/01/2010

does she own a cell phone, or get on the internet and you have taken these things away and she does not care? (I know my 14 yr old is LOST without these things)- maybe if you have not, turn off her phone and/or lock her out of the internet but do not tell her until she comes to you and ask her, "do you feel that was disrespectful?, now do you see how it feels to me?" and when you have her attention, TALK to her, but stay FIRM- she has to learn to respect you no matter what, but be careful to still be there for her so she does not shut you out- it may be an underlying issue that she just can't seem to bring up with you, it may be petty(but important to her) or it may be something a little more serious, either way - My 14 yr old knows he can come to me, trust me and talk to me about anything, but that I am still his mother and he will respect me. good luck- if you need more help, just speak out again and please give us an update on how you are doing- these are important years of growing for you both! :)

Emily - posted on 03/01/2010

My 16 year old started at age of 12 I promise it will get better as she gets older, and I feel the same way, I would have never talked or treated my mother the way that my daughter has treated me. I can probably tell you stories that would make your head spin. She still has her moments now but they are getting to be less and less. I feel for you and hope that you have the patients of a saint because man alive it gets worse before it gets better. Kids today have no respect for there parents or there elders for that matter and it is not a reflection of your parenting it is every teenager. This generation of kids suck. And yes she (my daugher) blames me for everything and I mean everything. If i breath wrong and she is yelling. So keep strong and try and pick your battles.

Toni - posted on 03/01/2010

Hi, I have 3 teenager daughters and they are far more spiteful than boys, however I have found that even though they say when you take things away they don't care - they do. I found that the easiest way to deal with it was to write a letter and put this under her pillow or on her bed stating why what she said hurt, if they read it you don't get into a screaming match so just tell her despite what she feels you will always lover her then put a note in her room, she will get the message....Good luck they are like the "EXORCIST" sometimes....

YOLANDA - posted on 03/01/2010

hello mrs. morgan, im not at that stage with my kids yet, but i do believe its just a form of puberty and not understanding the world completly so shes scared and takes things out on u. im sure she loves you and DONT HATE U she just doesnt know how to releive her anger and its always sum1 else fault cuz it just cant be hers. i didnt talk to my parents that way either but our children this time and era is a new breed and their more str8 forward and direct. you tell what she can an cant do, her freinds dont so to her they the good guys. im sure her freinds feel the same way about their parents and it will pass over mrs.morgan and when she gets over she will appreciate all that you've done for her not to mention told to her. she too young to value anything right now thats truly great and beneficial cuz she dontcare enufff to value it yet. i think you shld keep doing what your doing cuz in the long run its gopne pay off and she will apologize to you in due time.

Dree - posted on 03/01/2010

Jennifer, we've tried the writing sentences deal as well. He'll no sooner get finished writing whatever it was that we asked him to write and he'll do the disrespectful behavior all over again. Or better yet....he'll hit us!!!!!!! We have even called the police on him before.

Jennifer - posted on 03/01/2010

I explain in detail how my son (13 going on 30) SHOULD have communicated and make him repeat it. I lay clear boundaries and have consistent consequences. I like to make him write the multipulcation tabels or write 50 x "I will not speak disrespectful to my mother".

Dree - posted on 03/01/2010

Something we have done with our almost 15 yr old son...Sounds cruel and unusal but it does help. The next time she treats you this way dont say a word to her. Allow her to get up the following morning...ignore her with everything that you possible can. While she is at school clean her room of EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! No books no music no tv...nothing. Leave her bed and a couple changes of clothes. This is all she gets!! When she comes ranting and raving that you took her stuff gently remind her that you love her. Then let her know that once she learns to start treating you with the respect that you deserve she can then EARN her things back. Once she has earned something back...you decide what it is not her!!!!! Keep it all under your control. She will learn to respect you or she will live a very boring life!!!!!!!!! This was suggested to us by a few different therapists.

Amanda - posted on 03/01/2010

Gretchen, great story! thanks for sharing! I've read about that in my psychology class. It's amazing, really, what goes on in the development of our brains throughout our lives.
I have four daughters. My oldest is fourteen and next year will be in highschool. I've noticed lately that her mood-swings are similar to someone with bipolar disorder. One minute she'll be her sweet loving self, and the next minute she'll be sulking, pouting, shouting, angry, etc. A lot of this comes from experiences she's having outside of my house. As one of the mothers said here, when she gets hurt by her friends, she'll take it out on me because I'm safe to her. I won't hate her or stop being her friend, and she knows that. My unconditional love makes me a target. The thing that works the best in my house is letting her have her "time". Time to herself, to listen to music, be in her room alone. When she's ready, she comes out, she's fine. Also, she is very well aware that we are the ride. We are the way she gets to all of her friends. Her ride to the mall, to the skating rink, to the places her friends meet up. If she wants those things, she has to treat her family good, and help out around the house. I tell her all the time... I do a lot for her, because I love her, and I expect her to treat me the same in return. So far we've only had one really big explosive fight. Much better than me and my own mother when I was that age. I take it one day at a time, because just like someone with bipolar disorder... that's all you can do. Every day is different. Yesterday she felt really good. She said she felt like a part of something really big. Her behavior was great. She helped out with the baby, and was nice to her younger sisters. She wasn't argumenative.... Maybe that's the key. Giving them something they can feel good about. Letting them feel like they're a part of something. All teens are searching for their "identity." Feeling lost makes everyone feel like they're coming apart at the seams. Imagine how they feel with hormone surges on top of that!

Stephanie - posted on 03/01/2010

OMG my hearts goes out to you!!! im not sure if you go to church are not! but if you do try having the pastor or some (positive roll model girls) her age or a little older talk and spend some time with her,,and if you don"t go to church that maybe a great and positive started for the both of you.. (and JUST PRAY ABOUT IT AND DO YOUR BEST WITH HER) . I have a 14 year old son and i don"t play with him at all.... he's taller then me but he knows i will cut that butt!!!, i make him realize who's the mother and who"s the child. I try to make sure he reads his bible and stay connect with GOD and church as much as possible and hang around positive people, because now days kids are easily influence by what they see... and we as parents can only do the best we can, and leave the rest in GOD hands...
TAKE CARE AND BE BLESS

Jessica - posted on 03/01/2010

Forget the whole grounding thing. All you as a parent by law need to do for your child is give them a bed.(mattress on the floor with a blanket). Clothes, just enough to get them by, and food. Anything else is a privlage. She needs to earn the things she has and not take them for granted. You also need to ignore her, the more you ignore her and make her feel like you could care less if she was around, the more it will start affecting her and really making her feel bad about how she treats you.

Dolores - posted on 03/01/2010

I AM SORRY YOU ARE HAVING A HARD TIME WITH YOUR DAUGHTER BUT TEEN YEARS ARE BAD SOMETIMES YOU SAY YOU TAKE THINGS AWAY FROM HER DO YOU KEEP TO YOUR WORD SHE DOES NOT TALK TO HER FRIENDS LIKE THAT CAUSE THEY WONT PLAY HER GAME AND THEN SHE WONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS I AM SURE YOU HAVE SAT DOWN WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND TALK ABOUT WHY SHE TREATS YOU LIKE SHE DOES MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL HER WHEN SHE FEELS SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING WITH YOU HAVE A TALKING TIME WITH HER SEE IF MAYBE YOU CAN GET HER TO OPEN UP IT WONT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT BUT YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP TRYING SHE WILL GIVE IN ,IN TIME IF YOU KEEP ON TRYING DONT GIVE UP TELL HER YOU LOVE HER , I AM NOT SURE I CAN HELP BUT DONT GIVE UP ON YOU CHILDREN AT ALL

Gretchen - posted on 03/01/2010

I just heard this story on NPR Morning Edition and thought it might be helpful to you:

March 1, 2010

When adolescence hit Frances Jensen's sons, she often found herself wondering, like all parents of teenagers, "What were you thinking?"

"It's a resounding mantra of parents and teachers," says Jensen, who's a pediatric neurologist at Children's Hospital in Boston.

Like when son number one, Andrew, turned 16, dyed his hair black with red stripes and went off to school wearing studded leather and platform shoes. And his grades went south.

"I watched my child morph into another being, and yet I knew deep down inside it was the same Andrew," Jensen says. Suddenly her own children seemed like an alien species.

Jensen is a Harvard expert on epilepsy, not adolescent brain development. As she coped with her boys' sour moods and their exasperating assumption that somebody else will pick up their dirty clothes, she decided to investigate what neuroscientists are discovering about teenagers' brains that makes them behave that way.
Jensen's older son Andrew was the reason his mother first started studying the teenage brain. She wa
Enlarge Richard Knox/NPR

Jensen's older son Andrew, now a physics major at Wesleyan, is the reason his mother first started studying the teenage brain. She wanted to find out what was causing his maddening teenage behavior.
Jensen's older son Andrew was the reason his mother first started studying the teenage brain. She wa
Richard Knox/NPR

Jensen's older son Andrew, now a physics major at Wesleyan, is the reason his mother first started studying the teenage brain. She wanted to find out what was causing his maddening teenage behavior.

Teenage Brains Are Different

She learned that that it's not so much what teens are thinking — it's how.

Jensen says scientists used to think human brain development was pretty complete by age 10. Or as she puts it, that "a teenage brain is just an adult brain with fewer miles on it."

But it's not. To begin with, she says, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. Really.

"It's the part of the brain that says: 'Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?' " Jensen says. "It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they're going to access it more slowly."

That's because the nerve cells that connect teenagers' frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. Teenagers don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area.

Think of it as insulation on an electrical wire. Nerves need myelin for nerve signals to flow freely. Spotty or thin myelin leads to inefficient communication between one part of the brain and another.
Jensen's younger son Will is now a Harvard student. He says he learned a lot about his teenage brain
Enlarge Kathryn C Reed

Jensen's younger son Will is now a Harvard student. He says he learned a lot about his teenage brain from his mother.
Jensen's younger son Will is now a Harvard student. He says he learned a lot about his teenage brain
Kathryn C Reed

Jensen's younger son Will is now a Harvard student. He says he learned a lot about his teenage brain from his mother.

A Partially Connected Frontal Lobe

Jensen thinks this explains what was going on inside the brain of her younger son, Will, when he turned 16. Like Andrew, he'd been a good student, a straight arrow, with good grades and high SAT scores. But one morning on the way to school, he turned left in front of an oncoming vehicle. He and the other driver were OK, but there was serious damage to the car.

"It was, uh, totaled," Will says. "Down and out. And it was about 10 minutes before morning assembly. So most of the school passed by my wrecked car with me standing next to it."

"And lo and behold," his mother adds, "who was the other driver? It was a 21-year-old — also probably not with a completely connected frontal lobe." Recent studies show that neural insulation isn't complete until the mid-20s.

This also may explain why teenagers often seem so maddeningly self-centered. "You think of them as these surly, rude, selfish people," Jensen says. "Well, actually, that's the developmental stage they're at. They aren't yet at that place where they're thinking about — or capable, necessarily, of thinking about the effects of their behavior on other people. That requires insight."

And insight requires — that's right — a fully connected frontal lobe.
Teen Brains Are Not Fully Connected

The brain's "white matter" enables nerve signals to flow freely between different parts of the brain. In teenagers, the part that governs judgment is the last to be fully connected.
The brain's

Source: Nature Neuroscience 2003

Credit: Elizabeth Sowell

More Vulnerable To Addiction

But that's not the only big difference in teenagers' brains. Nature made the brains of children and adolescents excitable. Their brain chemistry is tuned to be responsive to everything in their environment. After all, that's what makes kids learn so easily.

But this can work in ways that are not so good. Take alcohol, for example. Or nicotine, cannabis, cocaine, ecstasy ...

"Addiction has been shown to be essentially a form of 'learning,' " Jensen says. After all, if the brain is wired to form new connections in response to the environment, and potent psychoactive drugs suddenly enter that environment, those substances are "tapping into a much more robust habit-forming ability that adolescents have, compared to adults."

So studies have shown that a teenager who smokes pot will still show cognitive deficits days later. An adult who smokes the same dose will return to cognitive baseline much faster.

This bit of knowledge came in handy in Jensen's own household.

"Most parents, they'll say, 'Don't drink, don't do drugs,'" says Will, son number two. "And I'm the type of kid who'd say 'why?' "

When Will asked why, his mom could give him chapter and verse on drugs and teen brains. So they would know, she says, "that if I smoke pot tonight and I have an exam in two days' time, I'm going to do worse. It's a fact."

There were other advantages to having a neuroscientist mom, Will says. Like when he was tempted to pull an all-nighter.

"She would say, 'read it tonight and then go to sleep,'" he says. "And what she explained to me is that it will take [what you've been reading] from your short-term memory and while you sleep you will consolidate it. And actually you will know it better in the morning than right before you went to sleep."

It worked every time, he says.

It also worked for Andrew, the former Goth. He's now a senior at Wesleyan University, majoring in physics.

"I think she's great! I would not be where I am without her in my life!" Andrew says of his mom.

For any parent who has survived teenagers, there are no sweeter words.

Karen - posted on 03/01/2010

Without getting angry or in a confrontation with her talk to her about the way her words make you feel. Sometimes if they can understand that it really hurts you to talk to you in a less than respectful manner, they can get it. It works the same with husbands--they don't get it until you can help them understand how it makes you feel.

Mary - posted on 03/01/2010

Having raised four daughters, who all went through the 13 year old "hell" I can tell you that this will pass. In the meantime, friends of mine told me to keep connecting on things I found that I liked about my daughter, and get interested in what she is interested in.
The transition from kid to semi adult is soooooo hard on all of you. It's a time when they start telling rather than asking permission, and you feel as if you are totally out of control. They say no when you say yes, just to set themselves apart. Things will get better. The more you ignore disrespect and appreciate when she is nice to you, the quicker this stage will go away. And don't put on your boxing gloves and enter the ring! Take a walk outside, go in the bathroom, remove yourself if you feel like lashing out at her. And be thankful you have a beautiful daughter..she must be if she looks like her mama!

Shalom - posted on 03/01/2010

I think they are tough years... My first kid was from the planet lolly pop(she blew off steam got sent to her room, and came back sweet as candy) she never really did anything bad either.. My next one gr.. trial by fire... tried everything from actually smacking him in the mouth everytime he was rude or disrespectful, or mean... in the end that only fueled his particular fire... so in the process of figuring him out, and getting the next in line who is now 13, I have figured out that just letting them know very clearly that as long as they continue to act that way, you will not continue the conversation, consider a request,or allow them to participate in any privledged activities, and simply disengage. Easier said than done at first, and they will back slide. (my now 17 year old tried to tower over me and play alpha male for a little bit) but I think eventually they figure out the old attract more flies with honey motto. good luck.

Debbie - posted on 03/01/2010

My son who is now 25 and a wonderful kid NOW but not always. What I did when I was his worst enemy to his friends and everything I did was "stupid" to him is to wait until he is at his calmest time, usually with such times as at noon when he wakes up, or sitting down to a favorite meal you cooked. A teenager is still like a small child with tantrums only they are older children with tantrums and the best time for small kids to talk to is after a nap. Well anyway, when he woke up, I would go to his room and give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him that I loved him very much and he would say I love you too mom. Then I would ask him calmly, why do you say hurtful things to me or about me to your friends, do you really hate me that much? His response would be no. Then I told him that it hurts my feelings when he says and does things like that and I would never do that to him. Then I would add, Honey, if there is anything I can do, for you to not hate me so much, then why don't you tell me and we will work something out together. Then I would kiss him again and leave the room. You don't want to pressure it, you just want to give them something to think about. When he got out of bed, I had a meal waiting for him and I wouldn't bring it up again until he talks to me like that again. I also tried family game nights where we would spend the evening together, order pizza and played whatever card game he wanted. I was a single parent, so it was just he and I. The bonding helped too. Hope that helps you out.

Kari - posted on 03/01/2010

I have a 14 year old girl, and yes, they are hard. I also have a 22 year old girl, so I do speak from a little experience. she obviously knows you love her. and as hard as it is to believe, .in a few years her whole attitude will change, so its just surviving these next couple of years. and you can do that. I know it sounds silly, but have you tried the silent treatment?? next time she says something hurtful, calmly tell her you will not be speaking to her until you get an appology. then stick to it. leave her notes if you need to comunicate with her, but when she tries to talk to you, simply walk away. have a sit down with her and tell her this is no longer acceptable, and what the consequenses will be. set aside some alone time with her, but let her know you will not give up your time to spend with someone who isnt nice.
she really will grow out of it. and you really will survive. good luck.

Cady - posted on 03/01/2010

hey!! im only 19 but me and my mother went through that! yes im addmitting i was a lil demon child myself!! with me it was my parents spliting up and gettin back together over and over! I dont know what your situation is but that was why i did what i did! I eventually grew out of it

User - posted on 03/01/2010

I have a 13 year-old boy. He is nasty to me. He's going through his hormones and finding out who he is.He expresses himself good or bad. So this just shows that she's comfortable in expressing her feelings. By all means I'm not saying it's right, but your daughter must have confidence and be a strongminded girl to not be afraid to open up. It's a good thing. believe it or not. Don't argue or respond, just let it go. Don't try to be her friend, just let it work itself out. Good Luck.

Connie - posted on 03/01/2010

My daughter's worst year was 12. I gave her the same message over and over again, simple rules to live by "Be Nice" and "It Starts at Home." I took away what hurt the most, Her Cell Phone. She would have loved to live in her bubble and for me to keep out. I told her I loved her too much and my job was to pop her bubble sometimes. Good Luck and it does get better over time.

Leah - posted on 03/01/2010

Hey Megan,
I have twin 13 year old girls. I have one that can be very disrespectful and ungrateful also. I feel your pain. The hardest thing to do is tough love, but you need to set your boundaries now or it will get worse. You wouldn't accept that treatment from anyone else and she needs to know you are not a push over. She is testing you. I would take everything away, all social media, functions and technology, etc then she can earn them back one by one with good behavior. Fill her extra time with community service or baby sitting. I did this with my son and it worked. It is hard and she will lash out before you see a change, but totally worth it in the long run.
Good luck!!

Barbara - posted on 03/01/2010

Teen girls are mouthy. They do not see that their comments are hurtful, most of the time, but if they realize it, sometimes they want a reaction because they are beginning to cut the apron strings and want to see what happens, sometimes it is because they live so much for today, and tomorrow will never get there, and they do not understand that there is a tomorrow coming! Sometimes it is a physical/chemical thing that teens get that they grow out of. Do not let her disrespect you. Consequences for that should be appropriate. Also, sometimes just ignoring is a good thing.

Angela - posted on 03/01/2010

I would just tell her to stop talking to me like that!! Keep saying it to her!! I would tell her that you don't deserve that kind of beahviour and it's not right!! If taking things away doesn't work let her start missing extra cirricular activities,, NO Mall trips or money for any little extra trip to places or no dance class and so when she misses a few and falls behind she will realize that you mean business she will eventually stop I hope for your sake...Email me at hottmomma1964@aol.com and we can talk a little more about it... Angela

Sam - posted on 03/01/2010

there should be rules as to the things she can say to you along with other reasonable rules that dont allow her to think she can get away with anything she wants. after that a firm adherance to those rules from you as far as punishment. then get some alone time with her and try to bond, communicate, where she is required to stay with you for say an hour or two but can express her self freely(verbally) and after that return to following the rules. dont forget teens need positive re-enforcement too

Amy - posted on 03/01/2010

Megan I have to agree with Colette in that most likely your daughter knows that you will love her no matter what and therefore she feels comfortable taking her frustrations out on you. It obviously doesn't make it right, but somehow you have to hang in there and keep being that person that loves her unconditionally. She will appreciate it later and perhaps thank you when she's older. At least that is what I am hoping for with my daughters (11, 13 & 14) and especially my almost 14 yr. old step-daughter right now. My step-daughter and I have had a great relationship the whole 7 yrs. we've been a family until last Sept. when I had to take her cell phone away bcuz she didn't pay the bill as agreed and we haven't seen her since. She went home, cried to her mother then her mother and grandmother went out and bought her and themselves a new Blackberry the very next day. Needless to say her mother doesn't like me and never has so of course she rewarded her for irresponsible. So now they have even went to the extent of claiming that I have physically threatened her and have actually slapped her, etc. They are making these accusations so that the judge won't make her come back to our house. We are still currently fighting this in court. I have to admit this is extremely hurtful bcuz the mother has always accused me of saying or doing things, but now that my almost 14 yr. old step-daughter is going along with it too is devistating. I now that she is being greatly rewarded for acting this way bcuz my two step-sons tell us how their mother takes her shopping, to the movies, etc. when they are gone to our house. So unfortunately I can relate to what you are going thru. Let's try to be strong and continue to be the better person in these situations.

Jolene - posted on 03/01/2010

what about telling her how you fell when she treats you this way!or start treating her the same way she treats you maybe this will make her realize wtf she is doing to u! hope this helps


i have a 12yr old hows going on 20

Diane - posted on 03/01/2010

If she says that you do it to her then maybe she has heard you say Sybill or Exorcist and maybe she's asked someone what it means. You might try going to a counsellor together then at least she would understand how big a deal this is. I know people saythe teenage years are horrible but it doesn't have to be. I work with teens at my church and seems like in the familys where that is going on it's mostly (not all but mostly) the teens giving the parents what they expect because it's no secret that the parents expect them to turn into monsters when they reach their 13th birthday (wether jokingly or not)

Lisa - posted on 03/01/2010

My daughter is 14 and tried this approach with me. It is over now and it isn't happening anymore and I will tell you what we did. Krista Elliot hit it on the head below! Our children don't hear us talk at this age, actions are all that counts. You let her know, when you aren't in an argument, what your expectations are and what happens should SHE make bad choices. You have to stick to it. No exceptions. No excuses. If it means she is late to an event, doesn't go to practice, misses an outing with friends or is late for school even... you cannot give an inch.

Right now you are her chauffeur, her chef and her make up provider to say the least. That deserves respect and she will understand you much better when you begin to stand up for yourself. DO NOT argue with a teenager. The moment you show frustration, they win. Go about your day taking care of work, family the home, etc... she will come around after she tests you to see if you can outlast her.

Be strong. It is hard but it is VERY rewarding when your precious baby girl reappears.

Patricia - posted on 03/01/2010

Find out what matters to her most and TAKE THAT AWAY whether that means no phone computer grounding her from spending time with friends etc. there has to be something she cares about. She knows when to turn it off so it can't be a medical issue. She is only doing this to you so shes getting some sort of pay off from you maybe she is just looking for attention and negative attention is better than no attention. I would positively reinforce ANY and all behavior you approve of maybe she just needs to know you love her and are there for her. Punish the bad behavior and praise the good. Do not bend. Good Luck!

Donna - posted on 03/01/2010

Good morning,
I feel like I am reading my own story. I would like to share what I have done. First of all I am assuming you are divorced? Megan, you need to be strict with her, I have put soap in my daughter's mouth before for talking so disrespectfully. At first I let it go thinking it was because of our situation and I would make excuses then it began to esculate. When I started making her accountable I noticed she was better. I also believe that she lets her anger show with you because she feels safe with you and knows that you will not leave her. Think about it, we always share our feelings (happiness, anger, frustration) with the ones we are closest to.

I pray for all of us to be blessed with that mother daughter relationship that we dream about. Do not give up on her. God told us that life would not be easy, but that He would not leave us. Pray for her and you will see the results!

KEYLA - posted on 03/01/2010

HI! I HAVE A 12 YEAR OLD AND IM GOING THRU THE SAME THING WITH MINE, BUT A LITTLE BIT DIFERENT. SHE LIKES TO TALK BACK NOT THAT MUCH WITH ME BUT WITH MY HUSBAND AND THEY FIGHT ALL DAY LONG. I TAKE HER TO COUNSELING AND IS WORKING A LITTLE BIT FOR NOW, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY THAT WITH HER AND HOPEFULY IT WOULD WORK.

Manjit - posted on 03/01/2010

hi this is the age when child doesn't want to listen lectures ,preaches and most importantly any kind of argument.you have to deal her with patiences,listen her adn do not react when she is in anger let her say bad words do her work as much as u can and use word of appericiation,plus u should develop positive attitude towards ur daughter.

Carol - posted on 02/28/2010

My teens don't do that anymore. I decided if they wanted to act like bratts they could go STAND in the corner. Yes, stand in the corner!! They hate being treated like little kids. They are not to speak, or sit and if they do I empty their room. Except for a pillow and blanket. When they are sitting in their rooms on the floor w/ no TV or bed they change their attitude, quick! It works great.

Becky - posted on 02/28/2010

It is a difficult age, they are not children but not quite teenagers. I imagine that in today's society she has a cell phone, computer,etc.. I would start by taking those privilege's away, find a way to cut out her friends and she will change her attitude pretty quick. If she is one that doesn't have friends you will have to find the thing that means the most to her, t.v., sports. whatever and ground her from that particular thing, and stick to the punishment, no matter what she says.

Daisy - posted on 02/28/2010

Hi Megan, my heart goes out to you and to the rest of the mothers who are going through the same thing with you. I couldn't imagine my own kids are going to treat me like your 13 years old. I have 3 kids and one is on the way, the eldest is now 9 years old and they are wonderful and sweet kids. But that doesn't mean they are perfect kids, my husband and I imposed discipline and doesn't tolerate bad behavior. We believe the teaching in the Bible that says "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it." {Proverbs 22:6 NIV) We believed, that once they learn how to Honor God, they will also know how to honor their parents. We are not a perfect parent, but we rely on the grace and mercy of our God to give us wisdom in our daily decision making. Our Children are the gift from God and we parents are the Steward. But the question is, are we a good steward to our child/children. Profanity is not welcome in our home, they may heard it from somewhere like television and friends but they never heard us(parents) said such a thing. They know the consequences when they chooses to act badly. So, it is their choice to act out, but as parents, we must be consistent in our rules and regulations at home. Through prayers and being a good example to our children it will help us raise a good kids. But above all, by committing our children to God, it will give us peace and hope knowing God is in control.

I was disciplined by my parents when I was growing up and I hated it but they were consistent on their positive teaching of good values. Once I became a mother myself, I came to realized the importance of discipline and I began praising more my parents and thanking them for not giving up on me. I knew, if I didn't have that strong foundation with them I would have had been astray like anyone else outhere.

I have a suggestion to buy the book called " The Five Love Laguanges", there is one for couples but also for Children" at the Christian Bookstore. This book may will help you discern what is your daughter's love languanges, and once you express that to her, she may become a new person.

Sincerely Yours,
Daisy

Tah - posted on 02/28/2010

Yes BRITTANY!!!!..my mother raised seven girls and yes you would get popped in your mouth if she thought you were even going to pretend you were going to disrespect her...if you want to call the cops..you gotta get to the phone first and it was gonna you and her until they got there, so she might as well make her trip downtown worth it....but i understand that people don't wanna do that anymore..so she doesn't need anything...no phone, no new clothes, i would go in while she was at school and take everything but the most basic of things...she gets 1 shirt for every school day(plain, i mean white with maybe a flake of glitter..and 3 pair of pants....1 pair of shoes..take her cell and she can't do anything but come in and go in her empty room and do homework and study..and yes if she leaves the house, lock her out and call the cops.....YOU HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL....don't let her know she is getting to you...make her earn what she gets...

Owie - posted on 02/28/2010

hi! Read up on Generation Y :) It'll help explain things to you. You may wanna look up what generation you're part of too and read up on it. I'm guessing you're part of the baby boomer generation. By knowing what generation you are part of and its characteristics and knowing your daughter's generation -- you'll be able to understand WHY all this is happening :) you'll know what i mean when you look it up!

Krista - posted on 02/28/2010

That's okay, Megan. We promise that the next time, our responses will be rude and useless. :) With this one, we were just luring you in.

Megan - posted on 02/28/2010

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and ideas. I really appreciate it. This is the first time that I have posted anything on here, and the response is wonderful and helpful. Thank you again.

Brittany - posted on 02/28/2010

I believe in corporal punishment, and I have never had mouth issues out of any of my kids or the children who have come to live under my roof.

Mary - posted on 02/28/2010

Hi Megan,
I am in the same position with my 15 year old son. I am a single mom and he is supposed to be the "man" of the house, but all he's been is the terror in the house... so I took him to therapy. The therapist told me not to argue with him. If they want to argue with you or speak harshly, just let them go, but not to indulge them in a conversation or argue back with them because they want to see that it hurts you, their behavior. Tell her that you aren't going to speak with her until she can speak to you in a right manor. Than punish the behavior if needed. But only if there is cursing or crude behavior. Mostly taking something away, like time with friends or ipod, cell phone something like that, but only for a couple of days or just a day so she can feel the affects of the punishment. If its too long than they forget how nice it is to have that item or time. Eventually she will come around. It's worked for me so far, and i was able to see that my son has anger issues that need addressing verses just a behavior thing.
I'll keep you in my prayers.. good luck.

Cassie - posted on 02/28/2010

well been there done that one and the only thing that changed thing was her growing up and havingone of her own. we as parent seem to want to make them happy all the time especially when they r young, and unfortunately we feel guilty and then we find ourselves in a whole of something we dug. Now im not sayn that u dug the same hole but i realized i had to own up to my part but it will pass. now what she in going through is called adolescence and what u r going through is called middlessence now mind you this is just what was told to me. I think it usualy starts when we tell them thy cant do something doors slammed, names r called and sometimes it got physical where i had to restrain her from hurting me. ...again i am so glad those days r over...this too shall pass.
Cassie

Ruth - posted on 02/28/2010

Our daughter was our first of four kids and her 13th year was a real shocker. She was embarased by everything we said or did and hormones were raging. In looking back on this time, 13 was the worst year. A friend told me that "their brains do eventually come in" (like teeth coming in) and they do become human again. Please don't look as this as a personal attack on your self worth. Show an increase of love and return the rude remarks with a key phrase "That is unacceptable. This is your warning." If she keep on, go to a consequence that you have established during calmer moments. Above all, let her know that you love her.

Gayle - posted on 02/28/2010

Hi Megan.
Sorry to say, I have no help to offer, all I can say is I'm going through a similar thing with my 14 year old son, he's horrible a school, he's horrible at home, & he calls me all the names under the sun, it hurts so much, as I love him dearly.
If I do as he asked & don't question him he's happy as, but if I try to ask him to do something, or try to tell him off for being naughty all hell brakes lose!
I also have nothing left to take off him for his bad behaviour, & he doesn't seem to care about anything or anyone at the moment.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone, sending love to you. xoxox

Christi - posted on 02/28/2010

My daughter isn't 13 yet and has not gone in to the full "I hate my mom she is the root of all evil mode yet." However, I have seen glimmers. So far, I have handled it by explaining it's very difficult for me to treat her with respect when she doesn't treat me with respect. One day, while driving in the car, she said something so disrespectful I found myself responding on a visceral level inside. I pulled over and calmly explained that she and I were at a fork in the road. We had the choice and we needed to make it right then. We could either choose the path of resistance, where we fought each other constantly over the next few years...making each other miserable. OR, we could choose the path of acceptance. We could accept that we will not always see eye to eye, but try to handle our differences in a respectful way. I told her she was old enough now to start making these choices on her own and that I knew she would make the right decision because I had raised her well.

I also told her that I was going to do my very best not to take the hurtful, disrespectful things she said personally. I am an adult and I know this is a painful time for her. She knows my love is unconditional and will always be there, and therefore feels she can use me as her occasional whipping post. In turn, she has to acknowledge that I am only human and my reactions will get the best of me sometime. I am not the Dalia Lama after all.



I've heard of a great book called Non Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenburg. It's supposed to be a great resource for handling issues such as these.



Good luck! Breathing, yoga, and meditation keep me going! And remember, this too shall pass!



Christi

Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010

just remember who is the parent she is reaching out to you in a why she knows you will respond. so if the words hurt you let her know this . remember they are just word with no meaning this is all of your home and if she continue then you will have to be the parent. good luck you have just reach the worst years of a child life the not quite a adult and not a child . at this age good kids try to fit in,and some times it with kids who don't have someone who cares,she is lucky you do

Celina - posted on 02/28/2010

I am going through the same thing and my daughter is in counseling. Unfortunately EVERYTHING is a big deal to kids this age. I had to go to the extremes of taking away her "cool" clothes and have explained that little by little she will have pretty much everything taken away from her. Try the clothes thing....kids HATE th idea of not being cool in front of their friends. It hurt her so much she threatened to run away. I told her be my guest but she is still home. Kids are smrt. They will push all your buttons to see how far they can go.



Another thought, does the juvenile detention center in your area offer a program that allows children in there talk to your teen. ine does and she was scared out her wits. I told her "you keep this up youre gonna end up in there and it is not cushy like your home is". Hope this helps