I have a meddling mother in law and im scared of her should i listen to everything she says?

Casie - posted on 07/06/2010 ( 101 moms have responded )

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My mother in law has to have control over everything i do with my 3 month old and im scared of her and am not strong enough to stand up for myself. My partner wont say anything to her and always takes her side and he is starting to tell me what to do with her to. What do i do???

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Shelagh - posted on 07/06/2010

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Oh dear. Casie, you sound quite young, and so does your partner. You need to get brave. Start by thinking about the things you do with/for you baby. Are you happy that what you are doing is best for your baby? If you are, then stay calm and tell your mother-in-law that you're in charge and you'll do things your way. If you are a bit lacking in confidence (and trust me, we all lacked confidence with our first baby), then use your mother-in-law as a built-in ready reference. Don't wait for her to tell you what to do - ask her! This gives the control back to you. You could say something like - 'I'm not sure when to start solids, the books say x, and my friend says y, what do you think?' Sometimes new grandma's take a while to realise things are different from when we had our kids, and we worry.

Cheryl - posted on 07/07/2010

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My mom-in-law is also very full of advice - as is my own mom - and while i was very overwhelmed with it all in the beginning (especially as she lived with us for the first four / five months), I've now settled into my own routine with my little one. I listen to their advice, and choose what to use, and what not to. Luckily for me, my hubby is his own person, and while there are things he copies from his mom (why not - that is what they are there for), if we see it isn't working, or it clashes with something I've already set up, we change it. You have to be strong - you have to sit your man down and tell him straight out that it is YOUR child (yours and his) and that means that you two make the decisions, and that his mother is confusing and upsetting you, and that you need his full support especially now.

Angel - posted on 07/12/2010

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Well first of all you need to leave your partner. He's controlling and if his mom controls him and you then he'll eventually start with you and your baby if he hasn't already. If you have family contact them, let them help GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION, BEEN THERE DONE THAT and I got out before he killed me. I understand he's the father but just because he is the dad doesn't mean you have to be together. You are the mother, control the situation, contact the D.A. and look up the laws on line for your state and city. Plze listen, GET OUT NOW BEFROE ITS TOO LATE. Sincerely, Beth "The worried one" plze let me know your update on your situation. Plze

Charntel - posted on 07/11/2010

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oh my dear i really do feel for you. my mother in law is the same, but she lives interstate so i only have to deal with her when she comes up to see the kids in the school holidays, and fortunately my partner feels very much the same way i do about it and stands up to her, while i sit in the background and bite my tongue to keep the peace, seeing as though it's just for a short time. but if i had to deal with it permanantly, i'm not sure what i would do as i too find her intimidating and quite hard to stand up to.
first and foremost you need to talk to your partner about this or it will damage your relationship. you need to be on the same page so you can be a partnership, hence why they are called partners. then i think you should let him deal with her, he knows her a lot better than you and would have better luck approaching the situation from an angle she will most respond to positively. if you and your partner can't get on the same page about this, then i'm not sure....

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Vanessa - posted on 06/28/2013

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I dislike my mother in law. Recently my husband and i seperated and she sent a woman over to his house to be his room mate to cook and clean for him. Our 16 year old son lives with my husband too. WTF who does that? We have been married 15 years in August. Just can't understand why people turn on you for no reason. Now i have a broken heart. Will maybe I should just move on.

Cathy - posted on 07/13/2010

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Just tell her that you hear what she's saying and you'll think it over and use what advice you feel works best for you. You acknowledge that you listen to her and yet do not hurt her feelings.

Nikki - posted on 07/12/2010

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write her a letter if its to hard for you to say it to her face. your the babys mom and you make the shots. if you look at it as standing up for your baby and what you feel is best then it will be easier to say those things

Helen - posted on 07/12/2010

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Ignore and do what YOU want...YOU carried that three month old not her. Good Luck

Shelley - posted on 07/11/2010

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I can be a interfering mother in law too,but you have to be assertive and tell both your husband and your mother in law to back off If you don't they will be more over powering as time goes on!!!! It's up to you to take a stand!!!

Hayley - posted on 07/11/2010

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She probably just wants to be involved, so thank her for her advice but remember that it is just that, advice not instruction. you and your partner make the decisions but she may have some helpful tips.

Anonoymous - posted on 07/11/2010

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I am sure you would not let ANYONE including that child's father to tell you or make you harm her ar let them harm her in any way...so you tell both of them I feel that it is best for my child if I do what I feel is neccessary and if I need help I will as especially witht the mother, but with dad, he needs to get a clue and you guys should have conversations and meet in the middle..that is what I do....If I feel like there is an issue we talk it over and get it from both prospectives and make a decision together as a team and as PARENTS', tell granny to go on a vacation she has raised her children so let you raise your own!!!

Shannon - posted on 07/10/2010

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girl you have to learn to stand up for yourself for this not anything else your her mom not her. You are her voice if you dont do it no one will. Do what YOU think is right for her and you will be just fine. If someones feelings get hurt it will only last a little while they will get over it once they see your doing just fine taking care of her. Good luck

Brandy - posted on 07/10/2010

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you are the only one that knows whats best for your child let your partner know how u feel or it could possibly put a strain on your alls relationship

Erika - posted on 07/10/2010

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You are going to have to realize that it is YOUR child, and the sooner you learn to defend yourself and your child, the better you will feel. Ask your MIL what it was like when she had her first child. My Mother referred to me as her experimental child! You are going to make mistakes, she probably did things not quite like her parents and in-laws too. Let her know that you welcome advice, but this is your child. I wish that I could teach you, unfortunately thsi is just something you have to learn on your own. I hope you find your voice soon.

Cheryl - posted on 07/10/2010

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then get your best girls over there to help you and encourage you, but don't argue. Just be calm and firm....You don't have to allow her to this...also next time he asks you that...ask him if he trusts you as a mother and a women....Does he trust you to make competent decision with your daughter and to do whats best for her....also tell him that I disagree with your mother so I do it this way, but when you do this with her you are welcome to do what your mother said....but don't be angry be calm...If people know they can make you angry they will, staying calm takes their power away...

Cheryl - posted on 07/10/2010

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You realize that you are strong enough and begin to stand up for your self. Tell them that you will no longer tolerate their behavior and call them on it everytime. The problem is you will be afraid the first times but don't give into that fear. Don't allow them to make it an argument. Just say Im not going to argue will you but I will not continue to allow you to treat me this way. If you want a relationship with my family then you will respect me as a mother and wife to your son. If he does not back you up, then tell him the same thing. Don't apologize, Dont get angry, speak in a very calm and firm manner. Pray for both of them. Good luck~

Kathy - posted on 07/09/2010

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I would let it go in one ear and out the other, sit your partner down in private and tell him that he NEEDS to stop, that you and he are the parents not her and just because she was a mom before you doesn't mean that she knows everything. Maybe explain to them both that alot has changed since her kids were that little and that you are the mom, and mother always knows best!! I don't have much problem with my MIL its her spouse that sits there and tells us how to raise our child when he knows nothing about it. He has a daughter that his ex wife raised while he was always gone. So mine might be a little different but I do know how it feels. I wish you the best luck and I hope that I've helped some!!

Tahlia - posted on 07/09/2010

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I have the same problem, but i do take into consideration what she says. I listen, yet do my own thing and if that doesn't work i will try suggestions from others, even if in includes hers. Although ultimately i know my child better than anyone else and will do what is in his best interest. Sometimes putting my pride to the side is best too...unfortunately lol.

Katherine - posted on 07/09/2010

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tell your mother in law "my child my way". you want to TRY and do it politely but that may not be possible and as for your partner that may take a bigger fight but you are going to have to make him understad how he is making you feel.

Rebecca - posted on 07/09/2010

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Really no need to confront. You can just agree to her face and then pick and choose what works for you. Bottom line: follow your instincts. You know your baby the best!

Missy - posted on 07/09/2010

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i feel for ya hun..but u r the mother not her so let her know that her advisment is appriciated but not welcome...and maybe u should also set ur partner down and let him know exactly how this is making u feel...he needs to stand behind u ..not his mommy ..idk how old u all r but he is eventually gonna have to cut his cord from his mom and be a man..i would simply let them know that ur daughter is 3 months old and she is stil alive so u must be doing something right hang in there sweetheart..and by the way she is adorable

Nancy - posted on 07/09/2010

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WE ARE TOLD TO HONOR OUR FATHER AND MOTHER. Well, you can honor her and listen to her, then, think about what she has said, and talk it over with your husband, THEN, the two of you make a decision about what she has said, and tell her this is OUR decision!! If your husband doesn't want to take your side,go see your pastor and follow his instructions
Maybe he can intervene for you, and, talk to your mother-in-law.

Cecilia - posted on 07/09/2010

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My heart goes out to you Casie. I think someone left you a comment saying smile and nod, and then do your own thing. Mother in laws can sometimes take the lead, because they still feel like mothers, and have a lot of experience. They have also been first time mothers and they know they made mistakes. It is probably her way of showing love for your baby. And also trying to share her experience with you. I was a young mom, and didn't have any one to help me and tell me how to do things, which maybe was nice, but, in hindsight, I think I would have liked to have that, as I made many mistakes that when I look back I wish I could have done differently.

Sherry - posted on 07/08/2010

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LOL sweety I have the complete reverse problem.. my mother was the one always telling me i was doing something wrong.. I finally told her that I do things this way.. period... if I need advice I'd ask her... I also made sure that my man and I discuss things together and we agree on the raising of our son.

My man's mom (we visited her in Quebec a while ago) actually seemed quite scared of my boy.. didn't have a clue what to do.. and I think she was a little surprised at how well I know my child. She was a working mom so things were different for her.. I found that often times I'd be either left alone or my man's mom would be asking ME advice (talk about a switch up that one turned into). But as I said it's my own mother that tends to be the controle freak on me. It's actually to the point where we seldom go to see my sons grandparents (not for lack of trying) but I've imposed some restrictions that my parents are finding hard to live with (initially smoking around my son-- not so worried about it now though... but alcohol is still a major issue for me when it comes to my kid)

You need to stand up for yourself with your in-law and your hubbie... if you can't do it with them how can you ever hope to do it when your LO starts pushing bounderies or questioning your authority.. It's hard I know but you HAVE to do something. or everyone's just going to walk all over you.

Best of luck sweety. I hope everything starts looking a little rosier soon.

Sheri - posted on 07/08/2010

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Hmmm.. Tell her that she didn't carry that baby in her womb and give birth to your daughter. You need to stand your ground, otherwise she will NEVER learn to back off.

Katrina - posted on 07/08/2010

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Hey Casie I like others can agree with what you are going through. Luckily I sorted this early on in our relationship - a bad phone call in which she hung up on me and I rang her back and let rip! Since then she has much more respect for me and I dont feel intimidated by her. By partner is a mummys boy too and often agrees with his mum but I just remind him that I loook after our daughter 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I am her mother not the MIL! I still occasionally choose not to comment on things she says or change the topic if I dont agree and cant be bothered arguing but I know when to pick my battles and that if he wants to spend time wiht and babysit my daughter she has to play by MY rules! I'm not a strong person and I stood up for myself so you can too! Good luck!

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Thank them for their concern and past help. Now it is time for them to trust that you will do your best. No parent does it perfectly. You will ask them when you need their ideas and encouragement.

Dionne - posted on 07/08/2010

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That right how she get to be tellin you what to do.she than raze her kids, so she need to let you do ya thing with your child .cause if it was me i would tell her stay home where she live if she can't let me do what i won do.

Melissa - posted on 07/08/2010

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I Have The Same Problem. I Just Told Her That He's My Child And Ill Raise Him How I Please And Unless I Am Putting Him At Risk She Should Keep Her Nose Out And She Does Now :)

Kimberly - posted on 07/08/2010

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You have to remember that you are the mother of the baby! Being a mom does not come with instructions! You don't have to take all the advice your mother in law gives you! Just take what you can and ignore the rest!

Monique - posted on 07/08/2010

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It is funny I got this in my email because I was having this same problem and have pretty much had it for the last almost 5 yrs since my daughter was born. My parents never really told us what to do and if they did it was just my mom trying to help, but they have for the most part always been supportive and know that we are doing our best. My mom always says there is no handbook on parenting but we do our best, which is true. My mother in law although I love her dearly thinks that she can disciple my kids the law she wants, buy them whatever she wants, watch them whenver she wants and whenever it's convient for her and thinks that watching my nephew because her daughter is a single mom is all or mostly what she should do even when we need a babysitter. She has gotten better about the babysitting thing lately, but it still seems like the last few months it's a chore and they are ni daycare/prek she doesn't watch them full time. I don't think it is too much to last her to watch them once a month for date night and once a week for my daughter for 2 hrs while my son has an ecfe class with me for his school. They are supportive but they like threaten to spank my kids, which is not their job, let her watch too much tv, give them too much junk food(my brother and sister in law are obese) and soda. My father in law use to give my daughter alot of candy but stopped after a few mos before my son was born. My kids are going to be 5 in 1 mo and my son is 21 mos. I can not take this. They have done alot for us and love us and our kids, but this drives me nuts. I told her I don't want her babysitting my daughter anymore because she throws a fit everytime for the last mo and she says so I get punished, it's not my fault she's a brat. It's not ours either! She said she was a brat this AM, I said ya but not the other times. I said you can still visit or she can come over here but neither one of us have time for this--you were just getting mad at her and saying the same thing. I said is this how you want to spend her time with her? Then she was mad bc she didn't wany any of the outfits to wear for gymnastics and said she didn't have so many to choose from when she was a kid. True--however, she will NOT stop buying her clothes at walmart, target and garage sales, she's bought my daughter up to size 8 and she's only in 4's and 5's. She got mad bc I said leave them at your hosue I don't have room! I get rid of my kids stuff all the time bc they have so much it's too much toys to pick up and they can't even fit all their clothes in their dresser. Most of our family/friends have started to give them gift clothes and money for college and we dont' usually buy lots of toys and try to just only buy 1 size bigger to put away when on sale. She is such a brat now and doesn't appreciate anything or want to take care of her stuff! I feel like this is partly bc she's spoiled by her grandparents. My husband talks to her but he gets mad. He thinks she's spoiled too but he doesn't usually have to see or deal with her throwing a fit bc she often babysitts when she is at work. What do I do?

Samantha - posted on 07/08/2010

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i went through the same thing with my mother-in-law...that is your baby and you should do what you think is right and what is best for your baby no matter who it comes from...you might have to sit down and talk to her about it.

Patricia - posted on 07/08/2010

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i would say from experience that you have to reign in your partner and nip this in the bud. some people are very opinionated and pushy and can actually draw you two apart. try to e honest and loving in your communication and call them on it when they're going against the family. my ex listened to neg.'s from others and joined in. it doesn't and shouldn't have to be that way. good luck! :-)

Carla - posted on 07/08/2010

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The best advice I ever got in regards to this issue was to "thank" her for her help, then tell her that "I may just give that a try if what I am doing does not work!" Another cue is to just let her 'think' you are doing it her way, then do it your way. Limit your time with her. You can even send your husband off with the new baby to visit his mom, so you know, you can have a little 'catch up time' then you do not have to see her yourself. Also, please remember, YOU are responsible for your happiness, only you. You can not be mistreated unless you let others mistreat you. Think ahead to what kind of role model you want to present to your child, a timid let everbody run over them mother or a person who stands up for herself but manages to do it kindly and diplomatically at the same time! Your child will either one, become a player and mistreat you theirself later down the road, or two, become a victim to others. Neither of these are results you want. So, you need to use this time to find a way to be a positive role model, and start by not "ALLOWING" your self to be mistreated. Your choice. Always your choice. Best wishes to you! Carla

Jill - posted on 07/08/2010

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Casie, I would say pick your battles with her and any one else. I hate to tell you this, but if you want what you think is best for your child, there will be many times you will need to advocate for your child because no one else may. Think how important the issue is for you and try to find the strength to fight the necessary battles when needed.

LaKesha - posted on 07/08/2010

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Thats your child. You carried for 9 months and gave birth to. Yu take care of your child how you want to take care of your child. & if your partner cant stand up for you then he's wrong. There is no reason for you to nod your head and go along with it. Is she implying that your not a good mother??

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I am sure you are strong enough to stand up for yourself. I know the feeling of helplessness, but I promise you, wou will be fine. Sit down with your partner and discuss with him how you really feel. Make sure he understands that you are the parents now, and that this is your child and your responsibility. Perhaps he just lets his mom meddle because that is what he is used to. Once your partner really understands how you feel, ask him to back you up next time you see his mom. She needs to understand that she is the grandma now, and that you are the mother. You can be tough! Insist, for example, that if she keeps interfering in your way of parenting, that you will make sure she gets to see her grandchild a lot less in the future. To see how serious you are will hit home, I am sure. Maybe not instantly, and you will have a rough time for a couple of month or so, but afterwards your in-law will be much more appreciative of the privilege of spending time with her grandchild.

Katie - posted on 07/08/2010

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try writing her a letter explaining how u feel, and that u need to learn for yourself about motherhood...try and stay calm with what u write and that u don`t wish to offend anyone but that u do need to do things your way, but that if u do need advice from her then u`d hope that she will able to help then xx good luck

Lauri - posted on 07/08/2010

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You need to have more confidence in yourself and know that you are a strong person. Surround yourself with family and friends who are a good support system for you and start demanding some respect from your partner and your mother in law. You can do it because you are worth everything to your baby. Good luck :)

Katherine - posted on 07/08/2010

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I think you need help. Why don't you find a good family counselor that you can speak to. This counselor will then want to meet your husband and talk to him and explain to him how he needs to support YOU. You're in a tough spot and a third party would be extremely helpful. A counselor can make your husband understand things that you probably can't. She/he will probably also ask to have your mother-in-law come to one of your sessions so that she can also understand that you're the mother and that she may help, when you ask for help, but that she needs to step back. I highly recommend you seek help, I think you'll be glad you did. There are so many resources out there, take advantage of them. Ask trusted friends for a referral. Where is YOUR mother in all of this? Is she around to help you? I wish you the best of luck, it's difficult to enjoy your baby and family with your mother-in-law intruding in on your private life. You need to do something NOW before it gets worse!
Best wishes!

Shannon - posted on 07/08/2010

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I really, really think just nodding along, then doing your own thing, is bad idea. It's just putting a Band-Aid on the problem instead of dealing with.

I'm sure you want to teach your child to be self-confident and strong. Have that heart-to-heart with your partner, but hear what he has to say. Come to an agreement on what issues your MIL can have input on.

Then, be proactive. Ask her advice about those agreed-upon issues before she has a chance to take over. If she starts talking about other issues, tell her what a great job she has done raising her son, and he and you decided to do "xyz" about that issue.

Be strong!! You are a mommy, and we are the strongest people in the world! And remember Dear Abby's famous line..."People can't walk all over you unless YOU put out the doormat!"

Let us know how it goes!

Monae - posted on 07/08/2010

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Well, you just remember, that is YOUR child and your partners! NOT your mother n laws! She had her chance to be a mother and this time is your time. Your partner should be the one to let her know that she should back off or tone it down. I have been thru the same thing with my mother n law. But if you dont feel comfortable telling her exactly how you feel yet, then let her say what she wants, and if you dont agree or like what she says or you dont want to do things the way she says you should, then just listen and then say, well ok, but I think I will do it this way. And talk to your partner more about how she makes you feel, try to help him understand, if maybe the shoe was on the other foot, (if HIS mother n law) tried to control things with his child, would he like it??

RACHENDA - posted on 07/08/2010

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Tell her to mind her business. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Just because she tells you something doesn't mean you have to listen. Brush it off your shoulder.

Marie - posted on 07/08/2010

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By all means....stand up to her....you can do this in an appropriate manner by being firm when speaking. Rehearse beforehand, if necessary, to prepare yourself, but NEVER, let someone control your beliefs of raising a child/ren. You can take advice, as long as it's reasonable and safe. Remember, this is your child, not hers! As far as your partner/husband, you need to show them both that you are willing to take "suggestions" and "advice" but that you are 'in control' as the mother. If you do this from the get-go, your mother-in-law and your partner will learn to RESPECT you and your choices. You can always ask, if you aren't sure of something...period. Trust me, I've been there!!!!!!!

Beth - posted on 07/08/2010

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I had the same problem,but with my own mother. I told her that this was my son not yours and if you don't like my decisions for him then you won't have part of either of our lives. She continued and I stopped speaking to her for several months. She now sees her opinion doesn't matter. If your not causing harm to your child them she needs to back down....

Jeanine - posted on 07/08/2010

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I don't agree with alot of the comments telling you to just politely nod and do whatever to make your MIL happy.... I did just that for months until one day I EXPLODED!
I would suggest telling her how it is now so that you don't have to go through this for the next 30 years.
She can see that you are a tad vulnerable, so really she is taking advantage of that...... sick lady!
And oh, your partner needs to step up and be there for you... yes, I know its his Mother.. ... maybe you should make him decide?

Kelly - posted on 07/08/2010

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"oh that's nice, this is the way I'm going to parent my child though..." YOU are the boss! YOU are the mommy! Don't doubt yourself and if you were ever going to take a stand, this is the time. Your baby needs to know that you are confident in your parenting even if you are unsure. And your husband had better get with the program, his mother's job is to be a grandparent not a parent to your child. Advice is ok but not to this extent. What are you afraid of? She won't like you? Her loss, you have a job to do, if she wants to parent she can go and have another one or adopt! Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 07/08/2010

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Are you passive aggressive? Or just passive. My mother in law was like that but she only speaks spanish. I pretended like I did not understand her. You are your child's mother and it will only confuse her if you let other people tell you how to raise her. If you can't stand up for yourself, at least look at your child. You are his/her mom and you need to do what is right for them.

Dianna - posted on 07/08/2010

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Your not alone! I agree with the other posts..Nod ur head..agree..and do ur own thing! ;) Things will fall into place! Be careful about causing any harsh arguments/ or hurtful words, That can be hard to overcome if that happens! She will probably back-off once u keep doing what u want to do, and how u want it done! Good luck! Hope this has helped.

Sharon - posted on 07/08/2010

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This is a real shame, I was in that situation before, not with the baby but my x would always take her side and she would always meddle in our business, anyways, you need to put your foot down and just ask her to go for coffee somewhere public and speak to her and tell her how she makes you feel and that you do want to get on and just be open with her, tell your husband, who should leave mum and dad to join his wife, it tells us in the Bible, so tell him u want to do something like that and that u need his support otherwise it is going to be harder in the long run. all the best.

Jennifer - posted on 07/07/2010

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if the advice is something you want or think might work - try it but as the mother you have the final say and you may have to tell her that in a nice way just let her know that you appreciate her advice but you would like to try your way

Myloe - posted on 07/07/2010

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I had to do this at the beginning with my first husband's mother. I had to take a stand with both her and my husband. I told her that while I respected her experience and knowledge and welcomed her opinions, that the final decisions about my daughter were mine and my husband. Then I had to get him on board to be a united front to both her and our daughter. If you don't get on the same page when they are young, you will be in big trouble when they are older and you are trying to discipline. Just be strong! You can do it!

Jennifer - posted on 07/07/2010

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The best advise I was told was just the other day. It was to say thank you for the advise but we will do what works for our family ( meaning myself, my husband and my daughter). I have the same in-law issues but it's the whole family. My husband however stands beside me on our decisions. It has been the hardest thing to stand up to them but still be respectful. I could not have done it without the support from my mom and my husband. Good luck.

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