I have full custody and I have been receiving degrading letters from the ex twice a week, every week, since September. Help!

Eliza - posted on 01/16/2012 ( 30 moms have responded )

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How do I get through these letters? I have to read them because thats the only way that I can find out anything important that happened with my children when they were with him. I don't respond to them because I know that he wants to see that they hurt me. I was hoping that if I didn't respond, then the letters would just stop but they actually just keep getting worse. We go back to court next month so hopefully something will get resolved then, but I need some tips so when I read them they won't bother me.

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Amy - posted on 01/16/2012

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Is there someone else who can read the letters and relay the important stuff to you. Maybe a close family member, friend, or have your attorney read them pass along what you need then keep the letters for when you return to court.

Laura - posted on 01/16/2012

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It sounds like your ex has some unresolved issues. Looks like this is his last resort to get under your skin. Maybe you can turn the tables - in a positive way. The last thing your ex is expecting is for you to be nice. Maybe send him a reply that says, "Thanks for keeping me informed about what's going on with the kids. It's so important that they have a good relationship with their Dad and I want to do whatever I can to encourage that." I've found the responding positively to a negative situation SOMETIMES changes the direction of things. Not always, but it can't hurt to try. If nothing else, you can know you've done all you can. To those suggesting he stop seeing his kids - I wouldn't take that so lightly. Children long for an absent parent with all the hopeful heart of a child. That should only be considered if he's truly an unfit parent... not just a pain the butt to his ex.

Heather - posted on 01/16/2012

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Take the letters to court with you. You can also use them to get a Restraining order against him to keep him from you and your children. I would do this ASAP.

Chrystal - posted on 01/16/2012

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Well if you've got an attorney give the letters to him and see if you have a case for harassment if you do the attorney can write a written warning that if the harassment doesn't stop you'll final a case that way when you go back into court you can show you've attempted to address the issue and he's still doing it. If you don't want to go the legal route just ask your kids how their time with dad was don't interrogate but just give them a chance to say what they did that was fun. Or just don't read them or ask at all that's between the kids and dad you don't need to know every detail as long as you know they are safe with him and he's just a jerk to you. That's a tough one sorry he's an ass.

Jodi - posted on 01/16/2012

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I would ask the children if anything important happened during their visit with Dad, and not open any letters, but keep them and save them for court.

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Eliza - posted on 01/30/2012

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Just an update! I still recieve harassing letters so what I did is I went to the court house and filed for an order of protection from family court. The judge took a copy of all the letters and said he would go over them and that I can come back tomorrow at 2:00 pm to see if I can get that order of protection. So now my mind is at ease a little bit!

Malia - posted on 01/22/2012

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If you have a lawyer or a close friend to give these to, it may bebest to have them read the letters and let you know if there is anything you need to know. Plus, these letters should be presented to the judge as even more reason why your children should not be with him. You do not deserve this abuse and should not have to get through these letters!

Malia - posted on 01/22/2012

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If you have a lawyer or a close friend to give these to, it may bebest to have them read the letters and let you know if there is anything you need to know. Plus, these letters should be presented to the judge as even more reason why your children should not be with him. You do not deserve this abuse and should not have to get through these letters!

Shamilya - posted on 01/18/2012

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Take them to court with you and let the judge know he is sending them so that he can order him to stop. That constitutes harassment.

Gwen - posted on 01/18/2012

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Give copies of all letters to your attorney PRIOR to the court hearing. Also, contact your local authorities ASAP to file a police report for harassment. See if you can get a civil protection order to stop him from contacting you.

Becky - posted on 01/18/2012

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My ex has never gone to that extent (probably because he can't spell) but he used to call or text messages of that nature to me. He quite when I didn't react. I would keep them for court. He still tries to get under my skin. We are in the court process now as after over a year of him not taking his children for visits- he has now decided to want to be part of their lives again. It has not been pretty. On top of it he is over $12000 behind in child support. Sorry- that doesn't help. My ex said very disrespectful and hurtful things, that did bother me and still do. Sometimes talking to someone else who deals with similiar issues helps you realize that you're not alone, and that he does not deserve to make you feel terrible anymore. That is his whole point, he knows what gets to you and how to get to you. I guess it may not help much but as least you know ou are not alone.

Kim - posted on 01/17/2012

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Smile and remember that you have ammo against him for court. Give them to your lawyer. He's making a stupid mistake because a judge will look at these letters & see the true person behind any mask he may wear in court. I know it's hard to receive them, but, he couldn't give you any better ammo against him. Good luck!

Joanna - posted on 01/17/2012

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How exhausting for you. My heart goes out to you. Every woman who suggested legal advice was spot on. However the fact that the letters are escalating suggest asking for him to stop this behaviour perhaps shouldn't be done by you as he is looking for signs that he is hurting you. He is stepping up the behaviour to push a response from you. Keep the letters as a record but if you absolutely need to read them make sure you do something positve and self esteem building before you read them so you are more able to say these awful letters are about his bad behaviour and aim to hurt and control and NOT ABOUT YOU. Do something healing after too. Never read them when you are feeling vunerable. These letters are a tool of abuse and not the truth.

Bri - posted on 01/17/2012

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By you being friends with his ex seems a bit strange, i would let him to the handleings and conversations with him and his ex..that could stir up some frustrations. Just a hint

Laura - posted on 01/17/2012

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I have full custody as well. My ex used to send me scathing emails all the time. At one point my response was that anytime I read a communication from him that contained abusive or demeaning wording, I would immediately stop reading it and not try to even find the important parts. I asked him very directly to stop it and only communicate needs of/for the children.



We were court ordered to communicate through a website called Ourfamilywizard.com only. All things child related go on our account from the schedule to expenses, etc.



In my custody order there was specific wording saying that neither parent could talk negatively about the other. His emails to me very strongly indicated otherwise. I filed a motion for an order to show cause (contempt order) citing the order that was broken and he was found in contempt and reprimanded by the judge. She also ordered him to have a psych eval and attend anger management counseling because he could not contain his anger when it involved me.

Amanda - posted on 01/17/2012

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Well if you're going to court I would assume you have a lawyer. Ask you lawyer to read them for you in case there is anything in there relevant to the case and just brief you about anything pertinent. If the lawyer is too busy ask a friend to help you go through them.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/17/2012

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Yes absolutely. I was going to mention that it probably would not be the best thing to get the boyfriend to read them for you. With you maybe because I am sure that it would not be a positive thing.

Nayanda - posted on 01/17/2012

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I totally agree with Jodi. If the kids are old enough to articulate what their weekend was like, you do not need to read the letters because they will always bother you. Let the lawyers handle it. Apparently he needs to get his anger out and that's fine but you're not his dumping ground. Just make sure he doesn't speak that way to his children.

Nicole - posted on 01/17/2012

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I agree with all the wonderful ladies here, give the letters to your attorney, If you feel the need to respond, keep it positive, or even respond, without mentioning them at all. He is trying to get a reaction out of you, so dont give it to him. My guess is that he has some unresolved feelings and issues. For this reason I would personally avoid involving your boyfriend in ANY capacity, for both his sake and yours. If he says anything, even in an offhand manner not intending to make the situation worse, it may set off your ex, since you describe him as abusive, he might hurt your BF, you or worse, your kids. You dont mention how old your kids are. so I am guessing they are too young to realistically describe the situation at "Dad's" house for you, and possibly too young to tell you if there is any neglect going on there? if not, without leading them, try to find out if there is anything questionable going on there... you may find that there is more than you know. Only then would I recommend keeping him away from your son. You dont want, years from now, for your kids to find out you are the reason they never had their father in their lives. Good luck and keep us posted on how things go in court!

Elizabeth - posted on 01/17/2012

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There is really no advice I can give to you on how to keep the words in the letter from bothering you. I'm sorry for that. However, if you do choose to read them, try to keep in mind that he is just trying to get a rise out of you and read with humor in your heart. I hope the new lawyer works out and this stops.

Christy - posted on 01/17/2012

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Just like the others said- take them to your attorney & keep copies (in case they get lost)...but save them for court for sure. I don't get parents...how can they be like this when they have kids??

Eliza - posted on 01/17/2012

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I left in 2006 due to abuse and neglect on his part. Since then he has had a daughter w/ another woman that he isn't with anymore and I keep in close contact with her because she goes through similiar things with him. I do have a lawyer but he isn't doing the best job at things so I fired him and I hired a new one that will help me next month.I have showed this new attorney all of the letters and he says he will help me with this problem. The funny thing is is that my ex asked me to have full custody of the kids because he moved 2 hours away and we didn't want the kids to change schools. I agreed, went to court and modified the court order to say I have full physical custody, and now he is being so spiteful about it. I will definitily give it a try and send a positive note, keep a copy, and bring everything to court w/ me so I have proof that I am being harassed

Jesse - posted on 01/17/2012

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Reply~ Try to be nice ask him to stop the abuse!! tell him you would like to get along for the children and it only makes it harder on them if you guys are fighting. if he does not stop i would get legal advice because abuse is just not needed try not to read them, you can always ask your children how there weekend went, your X is not going to give yu any useful information that he wants you to know about anyway! just wondering why is he abusing you about, does he still love you? hate your new partner, might be jealous or really miss his kids ??? there may be strong feeling's behind his degrading letters that you don't know about! and he may be showing his feeling in the wrong way, NOT THAT THIS IS OK, just saying! don't really know enough info to see both sides!! Good luck and i hope things get resolved soon and everyone involved are happy mostly for the kids tho Xx

Kim - posted on 01/16/2012

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JMO - I wouldn't involve anyone other than an attorney. Show him/her the letters, get his/her opinion, and definitely take them to court with you. His attitude in the letters could be exactly what it is with the kids - if he speaks negatively of you to/around the kids, that's bad on his part. If he is being cruel to them by being outspokenly hateful of you, it is bad on his part and the courts will intervene. Those letters are your evidence against him for harassing you, and were it me, I would use them.

Best wishes for a better outcome in court.

Cindy - posted on 01/16/2012

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You should respond, but in a positive manner. Just write a short & simple note telling him to keep the content of the letters about the children. Keep a copy of that for the court also.

Jane - posted on 01/16/2012

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Give the letters to your attorney. Then follow your attorney's advice. If he keeps it up he could even lose visitation altogether.

Eliza - posted on 01/16/2012

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Thanks for the advice Jodi, Amy, Teresa and Chrystal. From now on I will have my boyfriend read them and let me know the important details.

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If your kids are old enough to communicate w/ you I would not open the letters, but save them all for court.



If your kids aren't old enough to communicate w/ you.... have a friend or family member read the letters to see if there is any information that you actually NEED to know in them.... and keep saving them, of course.



Sorry he's doing this! Hopefully the judge will do something about it that will make a big enough impact on his behavior.

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