I have had sole custody of my daughter all her life since her father and I never were married. Well, last year she was 14 years old and we got in a real heated fight. She wanted to go live with her father so I thought since they have the same temper, maybe it might be where he could help her. I left him due to his disrespect of me knowing that he would teach her to also be disrespectful to me by example. Well, it has happened. I don't know who she is. She doesn't like me cause I am more strict than her father and I keep tabs on her, feeling it is my responsibility to know who and what she is doing or where she is. Well, he told me last night that he is going to take me to court for full custody so he doesn't have to consult with me about what she does or get my opinion, advise or permission. She wants to get her tongue pierced and I said,

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Angie - posted on 02/22/2009

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My kids all went through a phase about rebellion and piercings. What i told them was 18 and you pay for it. For a piecing such as their tounge. I did however compromise and let our sixteen year old have his ears gaged, eyebrow pierced and later as he took care of that his lip done. I allowed him some form of control with compromise...He is 19 now, a father and is very responsible, and of course has other piercings. Some times if you make trades and compromises it lets them feel they have some sense of control over their lives, which at this age is very important. But do not change who you are, as she needs the balance you give her to grow into a human being who cares, and wants to do well in life. And I can tell you from experience, compromise is a two way street. And it works. Good luck, and keep being the good mom you are! :)

Brandy - posted on 02/21/2009

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Stick to your guns, do what you feel is right, you are her mom and you obviously had a reason for not being with her dad.........Of course she wants to be with her dad, if he is anything like my EX, he is more like a friend and not a disiplinarian at all.   They need to know that it is not OK to do what ever they want whenever they want. You are the one in control don't let her get the upper hand, keep at her. You are doing the right thing by knowing everthing you can about her.

Shannan - posted on 02/21/2009

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  Stand your ground!  She will thank you in the long run.  As much as you may want to give up.  NEVER GIVE UP.  Good Luck!!


 

Jaime - posted on 02/21/2009

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Let me start by saying that I wouldnt worry about the dad taking her away if she is not being abused or neglected, it is not that easy anymore. Your daughter is going to test your patients and she is getting older and is gonna want to express herself more. My daughter wanted a piercing in her tongue, I said NO to the tongue because there is an arterie that can cause her to bleed to death if done improperly, so I let her get her eyebrow pierced. I was never allowed to express myself, so I cut my girls a little more slack. If you dont give her space to find herself, she will start doing things behind your back. I would rather my daughter express herself with piercings than I would with drugs or sex. Its a tough world for these kids and alot of peer-pressure. Stay firm about rules, she will respect it when she is older. I dont think any child likes rules, I didn't! Good luck!

Gidget - posted on 02/21/2009

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The JOYS (lol) of parenting!  Just stay firm!  I have an 18 year old who did the same thing to me when I divorced her dad when she was 16.  I thought, OK, I will teach her!  and let her go live with him.  BIG MISTAKE!!  He influenced her by taking her to have the piercing done and smoked with her and drank with her and did drugs with her, o please, stand your ground!!  Continue BEING THE PARENT and dont let her win.  Look at the long run, when she is 30 and has children of her own, she will respect you then and understand, until then, o god help you just BE THE PARENT and not her friend, you have the right idea, just dont let her intemidate you!  You Go Momma!!!

Jill - posted on 02/21/2009

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I guess that I would ask you a few questions first. Having had a fourteen yr old, (now 19) we went through some pretty rough patches, and the nature of 14 year olds is to want to get back at whoever they know will never leave them, their source of unconditional love. I assume from reading your post, that person is you. And, she i testing you, jut like she did when she was two, and the only word she knew was "No!" She is still looking for your unconditional love, but also wants to find her backbone

LaShanda - posted on 02/21/2009

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i have a 14yr old son. he sounds like your daughter. his father was in his life when he was a baby up until age 3, since then he or I don't hear from his father. I got married when he was 11 to a man who is only 11yrs older than he is. now my son wants to move to Atlanta with his real father cause my husband and I are in his business. we had to tell him that he can talk to his father and visit but we have his best intrest at hand. It would not be a good idea to move to Atlanta with his father. After a long weeks discussion(arguing back and forth), he realize we were right. You are going to have to hang in there and keep talking to her and ask him to reconsider. If you let him visit he might not try to take her. Talk about the tongue piercing that she can hide. what am i to do about the sagging pants?

Maria - posted on 02/21/2009

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Just had a quick read of the other replies and Yes!! Just keep being Mum. My son went to live with his father at 14 now at 25 he is back living with me. If you have raised them till now then your values are there for them. This is the age when they hate one parent and either loathe or love the other. The age is difficult, just hang in there. As for custody, don't worry about it. You have been there for 14 years, no judge will take that role away from you without VERY good reason. My son did not want to see me so I volunteered at his school to catch a glimpse of him. That stage did not last too long and he started visiting. Kids respect you more when you stick to your valules (guns) otherwise they see you as double faced. Good Luck my prayers go with you

Tanya - posted on 02/21/2009

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Being a parent is the toughest and most thankless job in the world!! I have a daughter that is now 17, her father was abusive to me during my pregnancy and after! I left him and he stalked me for a long time.. He always came over in the middle of the night saying he wanted to see "his kid" but never once went into her room to see her! If he truly wanted to see her he would be around during the day when kids are normally awake! Your fear of a custody battle with the non custodial parent will all be based on whether you are a fit mother (according to your states guidlines) and your ability to financially support the child! Even if he were to get custody of your daughter he would still have to inform you of any significant things that he lets her do!(piercing is not one of them though) Most courts order that any if not all major decisions concerning a minor child be in full knowledge of both parents. I don't know of any court that will take a minor child from one full custody parent and give it solely to the other unless it is an extreme case. The court may allow your daughter to tell them where she prefers to live but not give total custody to that parent without just cause, you will more than likely be granted either joint custody or one of you will be granted physical custody which then for all decisions for the child will have to be passed through both parents . I really don't think you need to worry though if he has not been a regular in her life, so long as you are not an alcoholic or drug user or anything like that! Keep your head up girl, this is our job... Carry 'em , Feed 'em, Nourish 'em, Teach 'em Raise 'em.....then LET 'EM GO!!

Deborah - posted on 02/20/2009

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HI there, I have a daughter who is 19 and boy about the time sheturned 12 she really thought she was big now and could make herown decision and kinda do what she wanted.  Kids they are smart people, I would sit down with my daughter, explain how I felt about what ever situation we were going thru including a belly ring. She did eventually get her belly ring, but she also waited 2 years for it.  I felt if she really wanted it  2 years later then she could have it cause that meant she really wanted it and was not just doing it cause of peer pressure. She got really good grades and earned her belly ring. I believe in strict and I believe our children grow up stonger because we guide them and but also let them make some decisions on their own. Fight for what you really believe in and base your decsion on her behavior.

Rachel - posted on 02/20/2009

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You need to stand your ground. It is your job as the parent to advise them in their best interest. She can make her own choices when she is old enough to be held responsible for them. I know you can't make a teenager do anything, but in the long run they will know you only wanted the best. Reinforce everything with I love you, but no. As for court, I doubt any judge will be changing custody after no petitions in 10+ years, because the teenager doesn't like her moms rules. Consider that an idle threat and do whats best for your childs future.

Marsha - posted on 02/20/2009

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i have not been thru this buy my sis in law went thru the exact same thing a few years back with her 13 yr old. court ended up deciding that there was no logical reason for the father to get full custody, but instead kept their agreement as it had been. the only problem that you may have is that you let her go live with him, and the courts may want to know why and you need to be prepared to answer that so that it was a decision made ONLY for her best interest. as for the tongue piercing....dont give into something just because you are being threatened by her or her father, and let the courts know that as well. i have nothing against piercings and tatoos, but as long as i am supporting my children they will not have it done with my permission.....once they are 18 they can do what they want, but they will pay for it themselves and be responsible for it. kids need to know that they have someone watching them, and they need to know that they have rules to follow and that just because they want something doesnt mean that they are gonna get it. her father is probably just trying to get on her good side (does he pay child support, thats a good way to get out of that (getting full custody)) and that is why he is making this so difficult on you.

stick in there, stand your ground and it will show how good of a mother you are if it comes down to having to prove it. its very hard to take a child from their mother.....good luck.

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You may want to have her convince you she is responsible enough to make her own decisions. She needs something and she is telling you in her own way that something is upsetting her. If it's just a desire to fit in, tell her to do the research herself on how safe or not a tounge piercing is. Give her a deadline - say 60 days. If there's something more to it she will not have anything to rebel aganist and may just open up and tell you what is bothering her. She needs to feel safe and listened to. Is she alone too much? Is she being teased at school? Is she getting the wrong kind of attention? Keep reassuring her you will listen to her and always be on her side. Her brain is still under construction and reasoning is the last to develop. She needs to prove that this is not an impluse and you have to trust that you've done a good job. The kid that is trusted is more behaved than the one that is suspected of doing wrong. After all if you're already being accused, might as well be guilty.

Robin - posted on 02/20/2009

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she's right. with maturity comes understanding of what was done for love and the difference between a good parent and someone who lets u walk over them..it may take awhile and it will be rough but 14 is a rough age. noone knows what they want at that age. i think a judge would see the difference..u were there for the hard parts. good luck.

Michelle - posted on 02/20/2009

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It's not going to be an easy road and there are no manuels to tell you what the right decision may be.  You are responsible for your daughter until she is 18, when she gets to that age then she can make whatever decision she wants but until then I think it's important to keep things the same.  If you shift your judgements now or change things then I would think that she would begin to question all she was taught before.  My parents changed the rules all the time and b/c of that I questioned every decision they ever made, and I still do.  I love my parents to death but I don't think that it's a good idea to change your beliefs just b/c someone told you to.  Kids require boundaries, there is a reason they are not of legal age until 18.  I think that it's pointless to talk to your daughter while she is angry, I think the best time to have a rational discussion is when she's in control of her emotions.  As far as her dad is concerned, you didn't mention whether or not he's been involved up to this point, if he hasn't then tell him to go ahead and waste his money on an attorney, if he has then both of you need to be on the same team.  If he is not helping the situation b/c he is constantly contradicing what you say then he isn't being a father.  I had to cut my older kids' dad out of their lives b/c he refused to be a dad.  He was the type of influence I did not want them to have in their lives and gave him the opportunity to change, he chose his drugs and alcohol and so now he never sees them nor does he get the opportunity.  Being a parent is probably the toughest job out there but remember you are responsible for what adults they will turn out to be.

Liv - posted on 02/20/2009

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Hey, i think that u just need to keep up being mom....from the time i was 16-18 my mom was my best friend...but that was all she was. i was more the parent than she was. i would have loved to have a mom like you...someone to give me rules and guidelines. i think you should just give her some time. my mom actually had me drinking all night with her and her boyfriend,and let me miss school all the time. it seemed pretty cool to have my mom be my friend until 4 days after i turned 18 and she let her boyfriend kick me out of the house. i had to move in with my boyfriend and finish senior year. it may be rough for you and your daughter right now, but give it a few years and she will realize what a great parent you are. just dont give up.

Maria - posted on 02/20/2009

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STICK TO YOUR GUNS BECAUSE IN THE LONG RUN SHE'LL THANK YOU FOR IT. IF YOU LET HER DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS, SHE WON'T HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR YOU. IT'S OK. FOR HER TO REACT THE WAY SHE DOES BECAUSE SHE'S GOING THRU CHANGES. DO WHAT YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT IN YOUR HEART. I'M SURE HER DAD DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE FOR FULL CUSTODY. DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN. IT'S CALL TOUGH LOVE.

Fran - posted on 02/20/2009

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Lyn i have to tell you this age is probably the worst. What i do is try to work with them. I have a 14 yr old daughter and a 17 yrs old son as well as a 19 yrs old son and a 2 1/2 yr old daughter. So i can have all the cray times in front of me right now. I negotiate alot with them, I always try to rember how i felt at that age when my mom always said no.. You can be firm and still be the favorite parent. I am called one of the most stricked parents.. I dont give alot of slack to them but i always try to be understanding and discuss why i do what i do. Don't give up fight for your daughter, find out what else she likes and say well why don't you do this now and maybe the tongue thing at 16.. the key is to be open and talk to her as much as you can and let her know what you have learned from you mistakes in life and point of other children's problems you dont want her to experience. There are always things in the newspaper that teens are in trouble for, show her and explain. Good luck, it doesn't get easier it gets harder every day..

Jennifer - posted on 02/20/2009

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Keep being a momma, she may hate you today, but she'll hate you even more if you give up.

Karen - posted on 02/20/2009

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Lynn, I have had the same problem with my two children's father, I have my daughter, and 17 yr old son stayed their to finish with school. he is handicapped now i regret that.

his dad popped up and started this thing that our son needed guardenship when he turns 18 in october. he has moved him accross the state he told me that our son threatens to run away once or twice a week right now he does have custody. but i will not sign any papers. i have a 24 yr old son and a 13 yr old daughter and with comes patience. she will grow out of this and if you can get her back do it now. because it sounds like all he is doing to egging her on to behave like that, and that is not acceptable. hang in their it will get better and stand up to him and your daughter and let her know , no way will she behave in that manner. put it to her.

good luck i will pray for you and your daughter.

karen

Stephanie - posted on 02/20/2009

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What my parents told me was that when I was 18 and could pay and sign for a tattoo or any  other thing...then more power to me.  They were very strict, as I am with my son, but as long as he's doing well in school and not in trouble, then I'm pretty ok with anything.



Please remember that you left him because of the way he treated you.  If he hasn't been there for her throughout her life, why would he want custody now?  I don't think a judge will give him custody.



I would recommend sitting and talking to your daughter.  Tell her that you love her and only do things to protect her.  Remember back when you were a teen and how you had to discover who you were, rebel against your parents, etc.



Don't give up on her.



Best of luck to you.

Kimberly - posted on 02/20/2009

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i have been there and done that....i had a son 13 he went to stay with his grandparent.......(on his fathers side)....it did work out for me though and he is doing well.....what you have to remember is by 14 she has gained your morals and respect even though it dont seem like it.....she need the rules so she can say no.....but at this point if you fight with her then she will rebell......get as much information on the dangers of a toung peircing and sit down with her and tell her that its not just that your beeing a striced mom.....you just know about the dangers and think she should know them befor she pleeds her case.......as to costedy.....have no worries no judge is going to give him sole coustady......you would have to have endangerd you child....and that has not happend....wish you all the best........i am a mother of 7 with 16 years of expirience



 



kimmie

June - posted on 02/20/2009

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Lynn,



Please do not change your ways.  Hold tight to rules and keep giving them to your daughter.  You think that she dosen't like you because of your stricknes and rules but truth is that children need that and even though they won't say so they want them.  If you had no rules and allowed your daughter to do whatever she wanted eventually she would think that you don't care about her.  I'm not sure where you live, but even if he has full custody he will still have to keep you informed on your daughter.  I have full custody of my children and I have to consult with there father on things that involve the children.  I also can not move more than 50 miles away unless I have his permission as he has visitation rights.  My daughter was very much a rebel and I was very strict with her and now she is 19 and even though she was a hand full as a young teen she has become a very nice young lady.  She still has a ways to go but I see so much inprovement in her as she is getting older and I see her using the morels and values that I have taught her.  I thought she hated me to because of my strictness and she tells me everyday now that she loves me for them.  I even hear her telling others the things that I taught her and all that time I was drilling morels and values into her and thougt she wasn't listening and she was.  Hold fast to your ways.  Keeping teaching your kids because even though you think they are not listening they are!!!

Nikita - posted on 02/20/2009

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What you have to remember is she is a teenager.. they love to try their hand.. Has dad been an factor in her life??? What would be your reason for her not being able to get her tongue pierced??? What you have to remember is that many kids her age have that and tatoos and maybe she just want to fit in... Now please don't think that I am calling her a follower, but she just wants to be like other kids her age... You still be mom be firm, but you have to give sometimes... Talk it over with her and explain why you may not approve... good luck..

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