I have rude in laws...should I throw the last link away??

Temper - posted on 07/12/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My husband's side of the family has always been selfish and rude ever since I've known them. We've been married going on 8 years and together for about 10 years. We use to pretend and get along nicely with his side of the family but we finally got a point where we can't anymore and therefore don't speak. They live in our area and we avoid each other. Yesterday we went to a wedding for my husband's sister who was marrying my husband's long time friend and mentor from his past. No one came to sit with us, just as I had expected. I was only there to support my husband for wanting to be a part of his friends day, who is marrying his sister. We were invited by his friend, NOT his sister or anybody else from the family. One of his sisters was a friend, I thought. There are 6 siblings in all, 4 are sisters. His youngest sister used to wash ALL of her laundry at my house, stay for weeks at a time while her boyfriend and father of her 2 children was off and gone drinking and doing God knows what else. When their lights were turned off, they stayed with us. When she needed someone to cry to (literally cry to) WE were there. I know I shouldn't be but it shocks me that she would take sides with the "family" and have nothing to do with us in front of everybody like that when we thought she was one of the people we could rely on to "know" at the party. I know this is silly but I have her on my myspace and I believe the only reason she keeps me as a friend is to show my nosy in laws bits and peices of our life, since we choose to not come around. Not even my husband has her as a friend. That should speak volumes I know. I am wondering if I should get rid of her..I don't think a relationship with her is repairable. I was deeply offended that I go out of my way to help her no matter who's watching and she disregards me with such ease. It's not just his sisters who are horrible, they have handed it down the line to the daughters, cousins, sons, and all if their own children. I love my husband and I'm sad that he had to come from such a dysfunctional family where everything is a competion. I'm happy and thrilled that I have come from the COMPLETE opposite! My side of the family is all we have and at this point, that's definitely enough. Should I "throw her away"? and move on, just cut all ties with her as we've done with everyone else from his side? She is the last link we have tied to that "family".

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KIM - posted on 07/12/2009

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WOOOWW!!! Well, this is hard, but it sound like the sister is torn and that at one point you two had an awesome freindship. She is def stuck between a pimp and a hard place! and she rather lose you than to lose them!!! it's probably difficult for her, to have chosen between the two! If you think she's only your myspace friend to show the family bits and pieces of what's going on in your life then delete her!...if you don't want to delete her, then make a new myspace! there are ways you can tweek your myspace to where she can't see your comments or your friends! This is nothing to stress over? Are there complication between you and your husband because of his family? Are they paying your bills? Will you have any health problems if they aren't in your life?...if you answer no to all of the above then you will be just fine! Hun, don't stress yourself over their problems, it's obvious they have issues and those issues go deep within! How can't love others until they love themselves!!!! It's obvious they are unhappy with themselves and until they workout their own problems, happiness will never follow them! Just remember misery loves company...don't allow yourself to follow what has been making your life hell!...Stay HUMBLE and be the BETTER PERSON!!!

[deleted account]

If that's how she's treating you then she's not much of a link is she. Cut the tie and the weight of the world will be lifted.

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Bridget - posted on 07/12/2009

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It sounds like the link is already cut. Maybe w/ your husband's friend marrying his sister there could be a relationship there. I would let the other sister go.

Lin - posted on 07/12/2009

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I'm going through something similar with my folks and I believe it's getting stressful for you.....for example, one day, my mother, knowing that I'm pregnant with her second grandchild, seeing me with my son in the stroller, in the middle of a horrible thunderstorm, outside, drives by me, making eye contact and passing us by (traffic was slow, we live around the corner, and there was plenty of space to pull over). (My husband was getting the car for us several miles away, and we were headed a bit closer to the direction he would be driving from.) All we're asking of them is to get a bit of help in the anger management department.

My question to you is, what does your husband want to do? His long time friend is now family - does he want to throw that away? Or is it possible for hubby and said friend to maintain a friendship without family issues getting in the way? I wouldn't recommend anything less than a good example of how families are supposed to act.

The decision is hard and maybe they will come to their senses and start treating your family with respect. But with each other to support the other, you will be strong and get through this.

Libby - posted on 07/12/2009

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I found it funny that Shannon said about if ending the relationship would be harmful to your health. (Shannon, not laughing at you, just laughing about something my mother in law said last year.) When my MIL had something up her butt last year and my husband wouldn't talk to her and work it out and told her just to let it go, she sent him this email that said basically that the crap was coming from his house and he needed to fix it because her health couldn't take any more of it. I'm not really sure what was ailing on her health. I don't even talk to her, she doesn't live in the same state, he told her to let it go, etc. And the health issue she was talking about was because she was saying she needed to have surgery to have a cyst or something removed. Turns out, she never had the surgery and it is now a year later. I, however, was pregnant at the time and ended up having a very complicated pregnancy that we ended up losing halfway through. Sometimes it is better for your health to just say, you know, I did all I can do, now I must focus on MY family.

Shannon - posted on 07/12/2009

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Well. I have to agree with Kim. If ending this relationship with the last link will not be harmful to your health, or your relationship with your husband let it go. But you should handle it respectfully. Don't just delete her from myspace. Your husband and you should sit her down together and let her know personally how you have been hurt and how you feel. I would let her know that you are going to take her off of your myspace page, and allow your husband to be the one to state whether or not she is welcomed to your home in the future and how he wants her to be involved with your family if at all.

Libby - posted on 07/12/2009

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My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for almost 9. His family is also crazy. I used to get along with his mom and sister but not sure where the break down happened. I have tried and tried to be nice, fix things, mend relationships, etc, but they don't seem to want any part of it. My husband used to tell me for years to ignore them. Then he finally realized that by never really saying anything to them that he was enabling their behavior, so last year he didn't speak to them for several months. He also didn't tell them personally when we were expecting our 3rd child. When they wanted to talk to him he refused and walked away (however, it was a really bad place and time for something like that anyway, it was after his uncle's funeral). They still act petty and perturb me with some of the things they say and do, but I finally feel better that my husband has stuck up for me and our family. He has told me that we are his family (me and the kids) and it didn't matter to him if he never talked to his relatives again. Which I think is what bothers his mom and sister most, that he has a family and he doesn't need them to thrive. I am adult and polite to them when I have to be around them, but I won't go out of my way for them. My husband doesn't call them, they call him. I wish he had more support and love from his family, but they can't seem to figure out what family is all about. So, in our opinion it is just me, him, our two boys, and we are expecting our 2nd daughter in Oct (our first daughter was stillborn).

Kathleen - posted on 07/12/2009

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ok well almost the same thing is happening to me... in my family and my ex partners family. but the only problem with my ex boyfriends family was his mother she didnt aprove of me being pregnant of her sons baby because she wants to keep the aboriginal in her family and im white so she just stopped talking to me when i was pregnant and she has only come to visit once. i try to be the bigger person and invite her to his birthday christmas etc but she never shows up i think she is just rude but oh well she is the one missing out. with my side of the family i have a brother who is exactly the same as the sister you have described he loves to use people for stuff but hates me! i cut ties with him and it has just caused fights we have been fighting for over a year now and have had police involved because of death threats directed at me and my son from him and his wife. i think you should just be careful! do it differently as i did just maybe stop talking to her/them dont make a deal out of it and tell them never to talk to you again like i did lol it just caused allot of drama. and as for them ignoring you atleast you have a wonderful family who is involved in your life!!! the inlaws are just going to miss out!

Natalie - posted on 07/12/2009

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You marry the man not his family so you shouldnt have to put up with it i say get her out of your life if she is the last link then get rid im sure it's for the best for your relationship and yourself :)



If you have a mo check out the Mum Club community it's a new community where mums can get together and just have a gossip and provide support for eachother any mum is welcome!

Temper - posted on 07/12/2009

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Quoting Allison:

If that's how she's treating you then she's not much of a link is she. Cut the tie and the weight of the world will be lifted.



Your absolutely RIGHT! Thank you :0)

Robyn - posted on 07/12/2009

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Its hard , but I would focus more on spending time with your family. Enjoy them and don't waste precious time worrying about his family. I wouldn't cut ties because your husband may resent that at some time in his life or throw it back in your face. Life is to short so enjoy your precious family and they may come around one day. If they don't it will be their loss. Hope this helps some.

Robyn - posted on 07/12/2009

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Quoting Temper:

I have rude in laws...should I throw the last link away??

My husband's side of the family has always been selfish and rude ever since I've known them. We've been married going on 8 years and together for about 10 years. We use to pretend and get along nicely with his side of the family but we finally got a point where we can't anymore and therefore don't speak. They live in our area and we avoid each other. Yesterday we went to a wedding for my husband's sister who was marrying my husband's long time friend and mentor from his past. No one came to sit with us, just as I had expected. I was only there to support my husband for wanting to be a part of his friends day, who is marrying his sister. We were invited by his friend, NOT his sister or anybody else from the family. One of his sisters was a friend, I thought. There are 6 siblings in all, 4 are sisters. His youngest sister used to wash ALL of her laundry at my house, stay for weeks at a time while her boyfriend and father of her 2 children was off and gone drinking and doing God knows what else. When their lights were turned off, they stayed with us. When she needed someone to cry to (literally cry to) WE were there. I know I shouldn't be but it shocks me that she would take sides with the "family" and have nothing to do with us in front of everybody like that when we thought she was one of the people we could rely on to "know" at the party. I know this is silly but I have her on my myspace and I believe the only reason she keeps me as a friend is to show my nosy in laws bits and peices of our life, since we choose to not come around. Not even my husband has her as a friend. That should speak volumes I know. I am wondering if I should get rid of her..I don't think a relationship with her is repairable. I was deeply offended that I go out of my way to help her no matter who's watching and she disregards me with such ease. It's not just his sisters who are horrible, they have handed it down the line to the daughters, cousins, sons, and all if their own children. I love my husband and I'm sad that he had to come from such a dysfunctional family where everything is a competion. I'm happy and thrilled that I have come from the COMPLETE opposite! My side of the family is all we have and at this point, that's definitely enough. Should I "throw her away"? and move on, just cut all ties with her as we've done with everyone else from his side? She is the last link we have tied to that "family".


 

Brienne - posted on 07/12/2009

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I have to agree with Kim on this. If letting them go won't cause extra stress in your life and your relationship, then don't torture yourself by hanging on to a false hope. I can't say I understand your situation exactly, but I do have an inkling about how hard this is for you.
My dad and his parents are extremely prejudice of my husband because he's East Indian. Therefore they don't really like being around my children either. I haven't completely severed all ties yet, and it's been 11 years. I may never do so unless they start acting the way your husbands family is. However, my husband refuses to have anything to do with them and I don't push him to change his mind. So my advice to you is, let her go. She chose "her" family unit, time for you to chose "yours". Stick with the people who truely care for and about you.

Alecea - posted on 07/12/2009

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I really would drop her from your life especially from Myspace. I think if your husband doesn't like his own family then i wouldn't even bother. You have the support of your family which is all that matters!

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