I have some right or wrong questions that I need answered. Is this an uninterested grandmother & should I stop trying?

Mariah - posted on 02/18/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi. My name is Mariah & I'm new to this site. I wanted to get some input & advice from others out in the world that could understand my point of view. Ok so I'm in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, his name is Ken. We've be together going on 4years now. We have a 2year old son together & his name is Kaylen. Now my biggest issue with Ken is that he doesn't support me when it comes to me speaking about his mother (her name is Nikki) having a relationship with her grandson. Now must I tell u that its a long story but I honesty need advice.


Ok. Nikki & I didn't meet until like a year after me & her son started dating. I didn't really know of her because Ken Aunt & Uncle was always around. Their names are Chastity & Curtis. Anyhow, Ken been living with his Aunt & Uncle for like 6years since he was in 8th grade. His mom wasn't really around or took care of him. It was always his aunt, his uncle, & his grandma Sheridan. I would always go over to his house when we started dating & hang out with everyone & what not. Everyone liked me & i liked them & it was just always a good vibe.


Then when his mom came in the picture things continued to be good. Me & ken would go over her house every now & then or when they had family get togethers. Everyone was cool, but I had always sensed some kind of childish ways with his mom. Then she was a young mom age 33 & acted like a teenager like I was. She has 5sons & she had all her kids at a young age. She had ken when she was 14 & dropped out of school in the 8th grade. & she never made it to high school. Anyways, like I said she was cool in the beginning but I've always sensed something weird & childish vibe with her.


Then after months after meeting her, I got pregnant. Ken moved out of his aunt house & I moved out from my mom house. We found an apartment & moved in together. We've be living together every since 2010. Now the entire time I was pregnant, everything was cool with me & ken family & my family that was involved. My co workers threw me a baby shower & ken mom did as well. His mom was acting happy that she had a grandchild on the way, might I add, it's her first grandchild & my mom first grandchild. His mom was so nice to me. She would constantly buy things for the baby before he got here and just some of everything. Everyone was happy.


Then once I had the baby, I'm guessing she wanted to play mom with me & ken son. Me being a first time mom, I wasn't having it. She wanted to keep our son a week after he was born & I wasn't going for it. I'm like, I'm a new mom, I want to experience this, enjoy these moments, have my son with me at home, I don't want my son spending the night over no ones house,especially since he was only a week old. Now me & ken did take Kaylen over to his mom house all the time when the family wanted to see him or I would announce that "hey u guys can come over our house as well to see him" especially since they lived like 7mins away from our house.


This is when things started to get crazy & people started to get mad at me. Ken, Nikki, Chastity, & Sheridan did, like they didn't understand this was my first child. All because I didn't want our son to spend nights at his mom house. Ken should've been supportive of me. Right or Wrong?


Then in Sept.2010 when it was time for me to go back to work after my maternity leave was over, I decided that I wanted to put Kaylen in daycare. He was about 2months old then. I had already discussed everything over with Ken. I felt that I had to do what was right for me & benefit me. Put Kaylen in daycare while I work. Ken mom kept him a few times when I started back to work because I was only gone for a minimum of 4-5hours (part-time) Then the time came when I had to start back working full time which was 7-9hours a day for 5days a week.


Ken mom asked me a day when I was picking kaylen up from her house 'that she could just keep him while I work'. Must I add that when it was time for me to start back working, she mentioned keeping him, & once I told her that I work a lot of days & full time, she stated 'oh nawl that's long, why not work this day & this time'. I wasn't going for that because it was money to be made & bills to be paid. Youre not going to tell me when I should work if your volunteering to babysit. Anyways, when she asked me that second time, I said "nawl I rather put him in daycare". I'm guessing she felt some kind of way (hurt) I'm guessing because after that, that's when things started to get worse between me, her, & ken.


Me being a parent, I'm looking out for myself as to my job(money), my house(bills) & my son education(learning). I stated to ken the reasons why I rather put Kaylen in daycare. He didn't agree then but he started agreeing when i started work. It's at our best interest. I can go to work anytime at any hours & take kaylen to daycare without the care providers stating "when I should or shouldn't work", no one is paying my bills for me. Then I look at it like, my son goes to daycare & learn things, they teach him at a young age so when he gets to an actual school, he'll be school ready (SMART). Am i Right or Wrong for making that decision?


Anyways, i would have to add that on Sept. 30 2010, Nikki other son had a baby, a little girl name Nyla. More about that coming up. Anyways, in the end of October, my son was going on 4months old & something else happened. I was talking to Nikki on the phone about an incident that happened that i didnt approve of & she just all of a sudden said "every since u had a baby, you've been acting like a bitch." Now must I remind u all that I said when i first met her i sensed some kind of childishness. & must i also add that i had my mom sitting next to me the entire time i was on the phone with nikki because i felt that things would get out of hand...& it did.


Once my mom heard Nikki call me out my name, she snatched the phone & nicely told her off at the beginning, until Nikki got loud & then my mom really started snapping. That day had gotten crazy. When I made it back home, I told ken what had happened & how his mom called me out my name. He then called her up & confronted her, & told her she was wrong. He was crying & everything. Then later that day, instead of Nikki calling me to apologize, her husband called to apologize on her behalf. I wasn't awed at all because I feel that if your an adult & u know you're wrong in a situation, u should have the decency to apologize. She never did. She never called to admit her fault & apologize.


After all that happen, I decided to steer clear of Nikki & not let my son be around her or her be around my son. Am I Right or Wrong? Days & weeks went by, with no apology & I continued to not let my son be around her. She acted as if she didnt care because she had another grandchild now...so all her time was with Nyla. Then Christmas came & she bought Kaylen gifts & I was extremely angry, that I threw them in the trash but I eventually got them out lol. But I was fed up because I wanted her to apologize so she could see her grandchild because I did want her in his life & she already knew that was the reason why she couldn't see him or anything. She disrespected me to the up most & I wasn't having it. If u can't respect your grandchild mother than u shouldn't be aloud to be around him. That's how I felt back then.


More days & weeks went by & me & ken moved out our apartment. Me & Kaylen moved back home with my mom, & ken couldn't go move with his aunt them again because they had moved out of town. So he had no choice but to move with his mom. He never lived with her, so he didn't know how things were going to work out between them 2. He would always come to my mom house telling me how him & his mom got into it & been arguing & how her husband(his step dad) & him would get into it as well. Ken didn't want to be there at all.


Weeks & weeks went by & she still hadnt contacted me to apologize & to see her grandson. Me & ken did get into arguments because I wouldn't let his mom see him, but hey she disrespected me. Ken came to me & told me that one day his mom came to him crying about how she dont understand why she can't see Kaylen. She clearly knew why because I told her. But if u feel that don't know why, then call me up & talk to me about it. That was to Right of her to do. I had spoke with ken Aunt Chastity, (which is Nikki sister) on the phone after she had called me out my name. Chastity agreed with me as well & said "yeah she disrespected u & if u don't feel comfortable with your son around someone like that, then don't let him." She agreed with me & said she understood how I felt.


Then a month later after ken came to me & told me that, I...Mariah, being the bigger person & speaking up, even when I felt I shouldn't have or had to, I did. April 2011, i contacted Nikki on Facebook & asked her did she want to converse. She responded back saying "yes come over to my house". Now must I add, it's been 6months since she has seen her grandson. The entire time I felt like she didn't care because if u would have, u would've picked up the phone & called me because she knew my number & she knew how to contact me on fb, she could've even relayed the message through ken. She showed no actions in trying to get to know her grandson or spend time with him..why because she wanted to be stupid...think she was right & did no wrong. She wants everyone to suck up to her & kiss her butt. Im not the person to do that.


She had a granddaughter now & she wasnt worrying about Kaylen. She devoted her time to Nyla (my opinion) but that's what I felt. Now was I right or wrong by contacting her? When I went to her house, we talked everything over, she cried & apologized for everything, I forgave her & I apologized too. We hugged everything out. Everything was squashed...so i thought.


Anyways, she was seeing kaylen again but to a certain instinct. The times me & kaylen would go over there, I would pay very close attention to how she reacted towards Kaylen. She didn't really interact with him & she didn't really play with him. In my eyes she wasn't acting like a grandparent would act with their grandchild..especially since she hadn't seen him in 6months. & then when me & kaylen would go over when they would have family get togthers, everyone would be there, including Nyla & Nyla's mother named Matea. I watched how Nikki reacted then. She wouldn't pay Kaylen no attention. She was always playing with Nyla & showing her attention & just everything.


& then when we would go over & Ken grandma Sheridan would be there, Nikki would brag about Nyla. Nyla does this, Nyla does that. She even made a comment before that she couldn't watch both her grandkids together. I was very disturbed with that comment. Because i feel like, 'why wouldnt u keep & watch both of them together, take them to the park, go get ice cream, let them play together & get to know one another.' (My opinion though)


I observed soo many things of how Nikki treated her grandkids & my thought was 'FAVORITISM'. I told ken how I felt & he didn't want to believe me or listen to me & told me I'm tripping. I know he felt it & seen it to, he just didn't want to admit to it because its his mom. I even mentioned it to My Mom & a few other family members of mine, everyone said she's showing favoritism. & then another reason I felt that she wasnt interested in Kaylen was because, u hadnt seen your grandson in 6months & when u finally do, u don't ask to keep him, for him to come over to spend quality time with him or anything. Crazy isn't it.


She was always keeping Nyla...going to get her & taking her places, picking Nyla & Matea both up, going places with them, taking Nyla & Matea to the hospital when Nyla was sick, going places with Matea, buying Nyla gifts (toys & clothes), she would always take pics of Nyla or with Nyla & post on Facebook. She never took any pics of Kaylen & put them up on facebook. She make stats on facebook about Nyla. All her pics on facebook is of Nyla. She even took Nyla to get pictures taken at Sears, the women at her job be on her facebook page talking about Nyla.


I honestly dont think that she acknowledges that she has another grandchild/grandson . She just shows favoritism, because she didn't do none of those things with me & Kaylen, or just even Kaylen, even when we were talking & on good terms. When kaylen would go over, he would have to play with Nyla toys. Because Nikki didnt buy him anything. I just didn't think none of that was fair at all. & then I feel like yeah Kaylen was going over to spend nights but that was becauae his dad(Ken) lived there. Ken was keeping him, not Nikki, so i dont think that counts as her keeping him. I was just really uncomfortable with how she was treating my son.


I had spoke with my daycare provider about how Nikki doesnt show interest in Kaylen & why i think shes showing favoritism. Another reason i felt shes showing favoritism between Nyla & Kaylen is because Nikki has 5sons, so she never experienced what its like to have a daughter or girl around. Then when i had kaylen, its like, he's just another boy added to the bunch. So of course shes going to be all over the little girl...because shes the only girl. My daycare provider was like "yeah Kaylen has no chance, & yes she showing favoritism?" Do u all think she's showing favoritism?


All of that continued. & then when Kaylen birthday came in July 2011. I had threw him a little small party at my mom house. Everyone was telling Kaylen happy birthday whether they called or texted. Nikki didn't come to Kaylen birthday party nor did she wish him happy birthday. I was so angry with her because she didnt pick up the phone & contact me to apologize. I told Ken how i felt & he really didnt say much. He was always taking up for his mom, even when she was wrong & doing his son wrong.


Once again i was being the bigger person about things, so the next morning i texted her & told her that kaylen & I were mad at her because she didn't wish him happy birthday & she knew it was his birthday. She texted back saying 'Sorry.' I was still fed up & mortified with her. She texted again saying could I bring him over later that day so she could give him his gifts. I said to myself "really, u knew it was his bday cause u brought him gifts, if u wasn't going to come to the party, at least wish him happy birthday." I was so mad & she knew it.


Later that day, me, kaylen, & ken went over & she had baked cupcakes & a number 2candle on one cupcake & me, ken, ken little brothers, & Nikki sung Kaylen another happy birthday song & he played with his new toys. I forgave Nikki once again. Who was the Right & Wrong person in this case? Anyways, kaylen continued to go over there & spend nights with his dad...it lasted another month after Kaylen Bday because me & ken got a new apartment together. So he moved out from with his mom & I moved out from with my mom again. We moved in our apartment August 1st of 2011.


Now I must add, Kaylen was 1year old & Nikki has never tried to get him to spend nights or get him to just spend quality time or just nothing. So a couple weeks after we moved in our new apartment, Nikki texted me stating could she get Kayla--yeah that's what she texted..not Kaylen, I said yes. I was surprised because she never asked EVER to spend no kind of time with her grandson. She kept him for like 4hours & that was it. After that day, that was the end of her ever coming around Kaylen, calling or texting about Kaylen, trying to spend time with Kaylen, whatever u want to call it, she wasn't doing it. She didn't even know if her grandson was still alive, smh, crazy! I don't know what happened...I got real upset & mad & said "here we go again". I had even found out that on Nyla birthday Sept30, Matea threw a party for Nyla at chuck e cheese & no one didn't even invite Kaylen, Nikki went to Nyla's party but didn't come to Kaylen's, smh...sad situations.


Months & Months & Months went by (its been 6months again) & no contact still. I would constantly see her put pics up on her facebook of Nyla being over there on regular days & on holidays. She didnt even contact me nor Ken to bring Kaylen over on holidays or just nothing. Ken aunt Chastity moved back in town in February of 2012. She started mentioning that she wanted to get Kaylen & i was ok what that but i had to make something clear before she kept him. I had a woman to woman convo with Chastity telling her that I don't want Nikki around Kaylen & I don't want him around her especially since she haven't been around once again. It's been 7months now at this time...I need an explanation. She said ok & she said she understood. So she started keeping Kaylen for a few hours every now & then. Things were going pretty good between me & chastity.


One day me & Ken went over chastity house in March2011, to pick kaylen up & Nikki & her husband & ken brothers comes over there. They ain't really say much to us. She ain't even say anything to Kaylen, smh. Now might I add, Nikki still haven't made no effort pertaining towards Kaylen, she hasn't even been talking to her own son(Ken). So when they did pop up over there, she said a couple words to ken, he didn't want to talk to her though because she ain't been in contact. I felt like something wasn't right, something seemed planned like, Chastity was going to try to have Nikki come over to see Kaylen before I came to pick him up but I made it there before she got there. We got kaylen coat on & left.


Some days later (March still) Chastity took Kaylen to church on a Sunday & normally when she get him in the mornings like that, she bring him back home right after church. She didn't this time. She texted after church talking about she at home cooking dinner. I felt some kind of weird instinct like something ain't right. She trying to plan something & I was going to find out. So a couple hours later, me & ken just popped up at chastity house to get kaylen. What did I see? Nikki's car outside. I instantly got furious & Ken told me not to get mad or trip. Forget that. I was mad ass hell.


We went in, I got my son & I was ready to leave but Ken wasn't because he wanted to stay. He acted as if there wasn't a problem once again, like everything was kool. It wasn't. I specifically stated to Chastity that I didn't want Nikki around my son or him round her since she all of a sudden stopped seeing him or whatever for a total of 7months. I needed an explanation first before she could see him. Chastity agreed to my decision and said ok. Now u want to go behind my damn back. She lost all trust with me. I was extremely pissed & everybody that was in that house knew it, mainly Chastity.


Me & Ken started arguing outside & they heard it, they heard every single word I said. They all knew they were wrong. Ken walked off & me & Kaylen got in the car. I had to drive around the corner to pick Ken up. We was arguing in the car, smh. Once again, he was on his family side. Was Chastity Right or Wrong?


Sooo, days later, Ken brought it upon himself to have a sit down to talk everything over with me, his aunt Chastity, & his mom Nikki. We was at Chastity house talking. Ken started talking & I was being on his side. supporting him when he was talking. Him & Nikki was talking back & forth. Then me & Chastity started talking & i told her how i felt about what she had just recently done. i told her, "u knew how i felt, i told u my decision, u agreed to it, then went behind my back & did the opposite". She stated that, "what I'ma tell my sister she cant come to my house because Kaylen is here". I told her, "no u dont have to tell her that, u couldve called me up (because u already know my decision) & tell me Nikki is coming over, u couldve informed me first, cause then i wouldve came & got my son, instead u did otherwise. So that makes me not trust u". She didnt have anything to say after that, because she knew she was wrong.


Then Nikki stated that 'she wondered why she had to go through me in order to see kaylen again'. So I started talking. I told her what was up, how I felt, about what she did & how it was wrong. I was telling her everything. Basically she didn't have no reason to why she stopped seeing Kaylen. She stated that 'yes it was her, she don't know why she stopped seeing him, & she sorry'. She was crying & everything. I was crying too because I was upset & fed up with her doing my son like this...this was the 2nd time. But I accepted her apology just so things could try & get better but I didn't feel her apology was sincere...I didnt. But i wanted everybody to see it wasnt me & to stop pointing the finger at me because she had just admitted to it.


How many times could u possibly do your grandson like this. She was crying and all, talking about how he dont know her...well that's your fault sweetie. Everybody hugged out & things were cool, at least I thought...once again. So when we were about to leave, she stated that she wanted me & her to go out for lunch that Thursday, which was in a few days. I agreed to it. When that day came, we didn't go to lunch & she never said anything about it anymore. She wasnt even trying to see Kaylen none of the days that was passing by, but i didnt trip or say anything to Ken about it. I just said I will wait & see if she does.


Then weeks later April 2012, she asked for us to bring Kaylen over for Easter because she got all the kids Easter baskets. So I did take kaylen over. After that day, that was the last time she seen Kaylen or asked about him or anything...once again. She was starting this same shit up again. Months went by & no contact from her AT ALL. Is she Right or Wrong?


Then July2012 comes around & Kaylen Bday was coming up in a few days. I was planning at big expensive party because he was turning 2years old. I had special invitations made & an expensive cake made & beautiful decorations & everything. Now might I mention..no one of Ken family of the people that normally wants to see Kaylen, hasnt made any contact about him. Me being the nicest, sweetest, more mature person, I took Chastity & Sheridan, & Nikki them their invitations. I had approximately 75people coming to Kaylens party & I really expected the most important people to come. Now I do have to say Ken went over Nikki house later on of the day I took the invitations & when Ken got back home, I asked him was people talking about Kaylen invitations because I knew they would be.


He told me Nikki was asking all questions about them because Kaylen baby picture was printed on them. They were some really cute invitations. But anyways, she was asking all questions about who did them, where did I go to get them done at, how did they make them, how much they cost. She has always asked questions about everything like that, that we've done for Kaylen so she could turn around & do the same thing for Nyla but only better. There's no competition here lady. Crazy huh!?


Anyways, everyone got the invitations. & then the morning of the party, I found out from Ken that Nikki said she wasn't coming. Now must I remind u, that once again this lady haven't seen her grandson in a couple months & now wants to bail out on coming to his bday party. What a sad situation. After I starting yelling to Ken about how if she don't show up, I'ma be extremely pissed & how she should be ashamed of herself. I'm guessing he went & told her cause she ended up showing up. The party was kool. A lot of people came. Matea & Nyla came & they rode with Nikki to & from the party. (not surprising)


Now the entire time Nikki was at the party, she didn't play with kaylen NOT ONE time. She was playing with Nyla the entire time, smh, crazy huh? It's his bday, & u ain't showed him no attention. I was watching the entire time how she was reacting towards Kaylen. My cousins that was there even told me how she wasn't paying no attention to Kaylen. Crazy is all I can say. But u know what? I didn't say anything to anyone about it. Several Months went by once again, smh, SHE HASN'T MADE NO CONTACT CONCERNING KAYLEN IN NO TYPE OF CASE, no call, no text, nothing over Facebook, I mean nothing. Then i find out on Nyla bday Sept30, that Nikki threw Nyla a party at her house & didnt invite Kaylen, smh...sad situations. Something is definitely wrong with this lady.


More months went by & it's December 1st, 2012, she sends me a friend request on fb & so does one of her sons. Something was weird about that. But I was wondering why she sent it if she don't like me (cause I heard she doesn't like me). & im thinking why she sent it especially since she aint been around her grandson. So i asked her. She said "she doesn't have a problem with me, I must have a problem with her". All I could do was laugh. So I laid it down to her once again, & told her how I felt about her & what she was doing.


I basically said "I don't know what going on, but I'm not going to continue to pick the same bone with u, u either going to be in your grandson life or not, I'm not going to let anyone thats suppose to be one of the main persons in my son life come in & out of his life like that. Stop seeing him for 7,8 months & then expect to see him again like that off & on. U need to come get him, spend time with him, take him places, call to talk to him, text to see how he's doing. Now if u want to go to lunch with me to discuss on how to fix things, then u know my number." Then i told her, "u ain't doing nothing & u should be ashamed of yourself." She responded back talking about my personal business between me & ken (which had nothing to do with her), she wasnt even saying anything about Kaylen or apologizing or anything. Then she said "I'm not going to try". Basically meaning to be a grandparent to Kaylen.


So I got extremely mad & completely snapped on her. To sum it up i told her "Ok, don't waste your money on gifts for Christmas cause ima throw them in the trash. Don't bribe my son with gifts, that's not what matters most. & u aint got to worry about being around him or seeing him no more because its not gonna happen". Then I blocked her from sending me messages. Who was Right & who was Wrong?


Then his Aunt wanted us to bring Kaylen over on Christmas but we ended up going the next day after Christmas. I found out Nikki, her husband, & her other sons, & Nyla was over there the day before. Anyways, kaylen was opening up his gifts & I found out that Nikki bought him gifts anyways & I saw which ones were from her. I felt an adrenaline rush, I don't know why. The entire time I was over there, I felt uncomfortable, but I'm not gonna talk about that, that's another whole story.


Anyways, the next day at home I gathered up all the gifts Nikki bought Kaylen & returned everything back to the stores & got the money lhh. Thanks for the money Nikki lol. I told her not to buy anything but it was her decision. She rather buy gifts for him on holidays rather than spend anytime with him, smh, pitiful lady.


Then on this year 2013 New Years, I...being the bigger person once again, I texted her phone & asked her "do u plan on being in your grandson life in this new year or are things going to continue to be like it is". She said "yes, she plan on being in his life". I asked "what do u plan to do to make this happen". All she said was "u must not have anything to do today". I said "ok thanks for clarifying your answer". I left it at that.


A month later February 1st 2013 I mailed off kaylen Bday pics that he took on his past bday at Sears. I had been meaning to give everyone a pic but I kept forgetting. Anyways, I mailed everyone's pics off. Ken's family & my family. I guess when ken Aunt & them got their pics, they contacted ken on fb about it. So he called his aunt. To sum it all up, basically his aunt & grandma & mom was pissed because i mailed them off & put their names on them like their not family, that's what ken told me. I'ma mail them off because we not on the best terms right now. But who gets mad at stuff like that. My family didn't get mad at all. They all said thanks for the pics.


Ken family was so worried about me mailing them off, they asses didn't call or text me to say thank u. Like really, y'all need to grow the fuck up & stop acting childish, u better be thankful that y'all got a pic, because how y'all been acting (not trying to see kaylen) I didn't have to give y'all asses shit. When u receive gifts, aren't u suppose to say thank u??? Rude & Ungrateful asses. All this is crazy cause now his aunt acting stupid & ignorant just like her sister, smh. So was I Right or Wrong for mailing off the pics? & shouldn't they have said Thank You???


Now about 3 weeks ago, Nikki son that has the daughter, well he just had another baby. He had a boy. Nikki put pics up of him saying "My New Grandson". It didnt really make me mad, but i looked at it more as being disrespectful, but thats my opinion. Everybody keeps telling me Fuck her, Kaylen don't need her. Yes thats true especially since she don't want to be in his life, but I know deep down inside I want her to be, because I was brought up with my grandparents around. & I want the same thing for my son.


It's going on 11months that Nikki hasn't seen Kaylen or asked to spend time with him or see him or whatever u want to call it. 11 FREAKING MONTHS. Im done! Ive tried over & over & giving her chances after chances. Like when is she going to learn. I just dont understand, i thought grandparents are suppose to be there with & for their grandkids. Grandparents are the 2nd important people in kids life next after the parents. U suppose to be lovey dovey, spending all time with your grandkids. Well she does with her other 2, not her first grandchild. Im just done!!


Im telling u all, this lady must think this is a joke, your playing around with relationships with important people. But hey I can't make someone be in my son life if they don't want to be. I just think its ridiculous & she need some physiological help or something. All of ken family members don't like me & says that I'm wrong. But I think they all are just saying that because that's their relative & they don't want to make her mad or whatever. But me & ken always end up arguing about this situation about his mom because I won't let him take kaylen over there. If she don't want to see him, why take him.


Im not going to force anyone to be there for my son. But I am his mother & I have a say so with everything that's concerning my son. She's never going to see my son EVER until she acts right & I promise that. Part of me being a parent is protecting my child from anyone who would hurt him emotionally, as well as physically, & unfortunately, this includes grandparents. That's how I see it. All this has been eating me up inside for the past 3years. my feelings are hurt by how Nikki acts & how Ken doesnt speak up & support me. Every time I think about it, I get really emotionally & cry & I feel like I can't talk to no one about it. I can't even talk to this person I'm in a relationship with about it & it's his mother. He blames me & is on her side all because she's his mom.


So please anyone, leave me comments & tell me how u all feel about all of this. About Nikki, about Ken, about his family. I need to know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need to know should i just stop trying & give up & let her contact when shes ready because thats what My Mom has been telling me. But Thank u all for taking the time out to read this BOOK lol.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Angela - posted on 02/19/2013

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OK, I’ve been reading this and this is what I think is the problem.

Nikki, your child’s grandmother is trying VERY hard to be a good grandparent because when your partner, Ken, was born she didn’t really get the opportunity to be a good mother. She was only 14 and doubtless faced a lot of judgement for having a child so young and unmarried. I’m assuming Ken’s siblings were all born within a short framework of time so she was still quite young by the time she had 3 or 4 children and other family members would have been relieving her of the responsibility of caring for those children. The bottom line was that she was a parent but family and the wider community were probably making her feel like a child.

She never got the chance to be assertive, confident and decisive for her children and the role she was to play in their lives. You say she’s immature – well I can imagine that over the years she’s never even had the CHANCE to grow up because other people have been making decisions for her! This may have made her feel inadequate and sad but she’s gone along with it because she loves her children and simply wants a peaceful life. When she’s gotten a little older, she’s simply stuck in the same pattern to preserve the status quo. She obviously has NO IDEA about boundaries! This isn’t her fault.

Then you and Ken have your baby and she’s a grandmother! She is determined to be a good grandparent, in the way she was never able to be a parent. Now obviously, you’re NOT a kid of 14 yourself (like she was with Ken) but I believe you’re fairly young and you’re not legally married to her son. You’re a lot more mature and assertive than she ever was, more so than when she was a first time mother at 14, and more so than when she was the age you are now. You’re firm and decisive and you’ve laid down a few boundaries. She never laid boundaries down for the rest of the family when she was a young mother – but you’re doing exactly that! She’s never experienced it before (except on the receiving end – firstly as a young mother and now as a young grandmother). Just like when she was a new mother at 14 she feels hurt and powerless. She desperately wants to be part of her grandson’s life and she doesn’t want to alienate you but she remembers how hurt she felt as a young mother where everyone else was making the decisions for her. So she withdraws from you and your child completely – and for several months at a time – in order to protect herself and her feelings.

Meanwhile, she becomes a grandmother again – Ken’s brother & his partner have a little girl, Nyla! Trust me, she doesn’t love Nyla any better than she loves Kaylen – but because Nyla’s parents aren’t laying down the same boundaries and assertions that you are, she feels more comfortable spending time with her. She doesn’t feel hurt or inadequate in her quality times with Nyla and her parents. She is allowed to be a doting grandmother with no obvious conditions attached.

Your intentions are good – but you make her feel like a 14 year old mother again – everyone else is making the decisions and she feels that she has no valid input to this child’s life. So she withdraws from the child physically to avoid getting the hurt feelings. She has NOT withdrawn from him emotionally though – but is too scared to do much other than buy him gifts! I don’t think it was kind or fair of you to take her gifts to him back for refunding at the store. But I at least hope the money you got for returning those items was spent on Kaylen as they were his gifts.

Now, the birthday party where you invited 75 guests – I personally think this was ostentatious and far too many to invite to a small child’s birthday party. And the beautiful invitations you had made? She wanted to know where you got them from, how much they cost etc? You believe she wanted to do something similar for Nyla’s birthday? Well, you’re probably right! Why do you think she wanted to do this? Probably because as a very young mother she saw other parents who were able to do far more materially for their kids than she could afford to do for her own children. She doesn’t want Nyla’s parents to feel like that – she’d rather give them a helping hand to match your efforts for Kaylen when they plan a birthday party for Nyla. This isn’t being nasty towards YOU and YOUR SON, she’s trying to bridge the gap so Nyla’s parents don’t feel they’re being unfavourably compared to you & Ken. And let’s face it – why DID you go to all that trouble & expense if it wasn’t to make an impression? The fact you made a point of asking your partner how the invitations had gone down with his family (before the party had even taken place) proves that! It was a lovely way to make your son’s birthday event memorable and special – but it won’t have affected your son much one way or the other. He’d have been just as happy to be surrounded by the people who loved him on his birthday, to have thoughtful gifts and cards and a birthday cake he could enjoy. All the rest of it was just trimmings to impress the adults there!

I accept that your son’s grandmother, Nikki, is immature, your judgement is correct there but she’ll revert to the hurt and confused 14 year old every single time you enforce boundaries. What she needs is someone who will make her feel valued and wise as a grandparent – I bet she gets that from Nyla’s parents! Boundaries are GOOD to have in place but Nikki associates them with the disempowerment she’s had all her life since becoming a mother at 14. Another cultural change that Nikki is probably trying to get her head around is the perception of unwed parents. I’m betting that when Nikki had Ken, that the lectures and judgement she faced for only being 14 years old were only part of the story. I feel certain that she got a lot more criticism for being an unmarried mother. Apparently that’s no big deal nowadays though. So although you’re older than she was, you’re still unmarried – but because goalposts have moved, you get NO criticism for being unmarried – whilst you’re still in a position to be assertive with grandparents and set down firm boundaries. No wonder she’s confused!

Finally, you say she’s 33 – do you mean she was 33 when Kaylen was born? Or she’s 33 now? I’m wondering how old YOU are? I’m putting you at somewhere between 17 and 21. That’s not really very old Mariah – although it’s a good bit older than 14, it still means you’re a very young parent yourself.

Anyway, that’s my perception of the situation. I feel that you should have more empathy with this woman. She’s probably started out with LOADS of empathy for you (as someone who knows what it’s like to be a young, unwed mother etc ….) but then she’s had to pull back because the rules have changed, public perception has changed and YOU have clear ideas about the grandparents’ role in a child’s life which don’t fit in with her own insights. It might help to have a friendly, unhurried chat (just the two of you) and discuss your expectations and invite her input as well. Good luck.

Pamela - posted on 02/18/2013

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I know you want her to be in you son's life, but you can't force anything or make anyone change. That's something that she's going to have to want to do! I think you should just leave it alone...Don't aggravate yourself or stoop to her level. Sometimes when you are hurt and try to be the "bigger person" by calling or "making things right" it still doesn't come out the right way because deep down you're still hurt and feeling some kind of way. She will come around and be mature when she's ready and until then your son has your family whom I am sure loves him alot and gives him all of the attention he needs. Don't continue to put yourself and son in the same situation. She may never change and as sad as it is...It's reality. She may never apologize or behave the way you think she should towards you but that will always be the grandmother. Don't talk bad about her around your son and just give him the gifts...At least she is doing that and if she wants to spend her money..let her. Hopefully everything will work out for you!

Mariah - posted on 02/18/2013

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Hey everyone. Sorry about all that. I'm new to this so I didn't know how to type it on here. But I split it into paragraphs for better reading. Thanks!

Firebird - posted on 02/18/2013

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I only got about 1/3 the way through it before it hurt my eyes, can you split it into paragraphs please?

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Mariah - posted on 02/19/2013

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Thank u Angela for your advice. It was very much appreciated. Now as far as Nikki, the first time she & I had a sit down, she apologized for her actions. We shared some heart to heart feelings about Kaylen and her relationship with him & even the relationship between me & her. The second sit down we had after her disappearing act, she apologized once again, but explained that she had no reason for not being around, she just did it. I told her that I want her to be around & that I want to have a relationship with her. She stated that she didn't want to have a relationship with me. That hurt me badly but there's nothing I can do to make things change.


I am a very sweet, kind, considerate of others feelings, outspoken, and just a friend person to every one. I never disrespected Ken's family in any way. If anyone meets his mother, they would honestly see how immature acting she is. She loves drama & that's something that I don't like. I'm continusely trying to make peace with this Lady, but there's only so much I can do. I am the only one putting forth effort to make everyone's relationship better. Now Ken has came to me previous times & explained his mom actions from in the past from when he was a little child. He told me that she kept him away from his dads mother, so she should feel some kind of resent from Ken(as he says he does for that) which should make her want to be in Kaylen's life.


But yes she was a young mother of 5 at the age of 21. I understand how that may have brought along a lot of issues between her & her family & how she may have felt. I understand that. But there is a time in life when people need to grow up & grow out of their childish ways, especially when your an grown adult & has grandchildren. & no marriage wasnt & isn't an issue at all. But anyways, I will not give her excuses of why shes acting the way she does with her grandson & I.


The way I was brought up, I was taught to stand my ground, stand up for myself & my beliefs. I speak my mind, think my own thoughts & do things my way when it's concerning me. I won't compromise what's against how I feel in my heart. I live my life my way. I won't allow anyone to step on me & walk all over me, I refuse to tolerate injustice..Meaning, I have the courage & strength to allow myself to be me. & that's something Nikki doesn't like. She wants me to kiss up to her, kiss her behind. I'm just not that type or person.


I'm pretty sure she wants to be a good grandparent towards Kaylen or be in his life, but she's not & hasn't shown it. I don't go off words, I pay attention to actions because that's what really matters, when u know is someone is serious, dedicated, & devoted to doing something. & yes I am still young. I'm older than 21, but I am in my twenties, but when it comes to maturity, age doesn't matter(that's my opinion). & then so, no Ken & I are not married, but that's our choice & it's not an issue amongst neither of our families.


As far as boundaries, yes I have them, Im suppose to. I'm not sure if she's ever set boundaries of herself for her family, but I'm pretty sure she knows what boundaries are, & regardless of any situation, she should understand them & respect them. Then so, she shouldn't react towards me in such a way of how she felt hurt back then from when she was a child, there's no excuse because I haven't done no wrong to her. Yes Ken & I are going to make all decisions when it's concerning our son, but that shouldn't stop her from putting forth work in being a grandmother to Kaylen.


Now as far as Kaylen's birthday party, yes I invited 75people. There's nothing wrong with that, being that I have an enormous family that has little kids(cousins that Kaylen plays with). I have friends that has kids. Ken has an enormous family that has kids(whom kaylen plays with) & he has friends as well who had kids. So that wasnt a problem & it turned out well. & as far as her helping, planning, & being there for Matea & Nyla, does spark favoritism being shown in my eyes especially when she not doing anything for Kaylen or being a grandmother to him.


Seeing what we do for Kaylen & her wanting or doing the same for Nyla is no excuse. & the reason being for me throwing a BIG party with fancy invitations, cakes, decorations, etc., is because I want my son to have everything that I didn't, regardless if he won't remember it, I will. Not because I was trying to impress adults, because their opinions don't matter. Then again like I spoke of before, regardless of my boundaries that I have, she shouldn't react towards me in such a way of how she felt when she was 14. She hasn't been in Kaylen's life in order for me to value her as a grandparent. Yes she might get that from Matea because she doesn't have any worries of Nikki skipping out of Nyla's life, she's always been there for them. Not to mention, but it was once before when Mate stopped Nikki from seeing Nyla. I don't know the circumstances, but it did happen.


Then being so, Matea probably looks up to Nikki because she's only 17years old. She had done more for Matea when she found out she was having a girl, than she had done for me when she found out I was having a boy...smh! But I feel that I've tried my hardest. I've been trying to get her to be in Kaylen's life going on 3years now. That's 3years too long. I've had empathy, sympathy, & courage to get her to be there. Whatever u want to name it, I've tried it. I can only try so long. I can't continue to stress myself out about it at all. So I'm done. If she wants to be a part of our lives, she needs to put forth effort.

Mariah - posted on 02/18/2013

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Thank You Pamela for that advice. It was much needed. & this is something that I'm going to continue to do...stop trying & stop beating myself up about it. I have already prayed & forgiven her to God. There's nothing more that I could possibly do. & there would be no reason for me to ever talk bad about her to my son because he doesn't even know her. But what do u think about how my boyfriend Ken should respond to everything? His own family says he needs to start speaking up for himself. Our relationship is somewhat torn because of all of this anomocity. Do u think he should be more supportive of me? Thanks again for the advice, I will take it into consideration:)

Liz - posted on 02/18/2013

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I have no problem with the length, just with the fact that it's one solid block of text. You need to put some paragraphs in and then more people will read it, as it'll be less of a fight for them to do so.

Mariah - posted on 02/18/2013

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Yes I know it's a lot...Sorry! But it really does explain everything for what I'm needing advice for.

Liz - posted on 02/18/2013

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I'm really sorry but I just can't read that wall of text. Could you try to edit it and put in some paragraphs?

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