i just need someone or twos help

Kate CP - posted on 05/18/2010

I'm closing this thread because the OP has abandoned the post and hasn't even been posting in other communities. I don't believe she will be returning to the thread. If she does we will re-open this thread for further comments. Thank you all for your time and suggestions!

Kate Capehart
WtCoM Moderator

Danielle - posted on 05/18/2010

i have 5 children and i have never hit any of them. time out does work if you do it the right way! dont get me wrong there have been times when i lost my mind with then and wanted to smack all the bootys with a wooden spoon like my mother did to me...but think to yourself stay calm and do a time out! i also have ptsd the key is to try to stay calm and pick your fights my oldest child is 10 and my young is 2.....

LuBeth - posted on 05/18/2010

Dear Megan,
It is extremely important to seek family or some type of respite support for you and your young son. When he acts out, it is because he is unhappy too, but doesn't know how to communicate his feeilngs. After all he is still learning. God bless you and your child! Try getting him into the Boys and Girls club at the YMCA. He can be around male figures who are a good influence on him (playing ball, fishing, bowling, etc.), which helps get his negative energy out, and gives mom a break for a little bit. God speed!

Kate - posted on 05/18/2010

Sounds like he might be board. He might need a constant introduction to new things and reintroduction to things he hasn't done in a while. All kind of art, coloring, finger paints, pretend cooking with bowls, spoons and dry pasta/rice. Blow up balloons and play don't let it hit the floor. Anything you can think of. He may be learning and think that because you get mad with him, he should be mad with you. Which can be unlearned. He may just think that's how he acts in the relationship with you and doesn't mean any harm. He may also miss his dad and doesn't know how to deal w those feelings. I raisedm y son w/o his dad and it's hard. Now that he's older, he has told me that kids just want thier parents together, they don't understand all of the reasons they wouldn't be together. They just want that b/c that's who they know, love and want to see everyday. We all do the best we can and there's no one right answer. We all lose it, it's making that the normal pattern that a parent can control. Just have to retrain ourselves and the children will follow and learn by example. Good luck girl. Thinking about you:)

Nikki - posted on 05/18/2010

Sweetheart i know where your coming from. I too have Bipolar, and im also plagued by Fibromyalgia. I have 3 kids, an 11 year old and twin daughters who are 7. My girls do not listen all the time believe me and its so frustrating. The times i have sat in a corner and cried.... Luckily i have a wonderful Hubby. I dont know what kind of support u have atm, but surely it may be worth asking your doctor for some help and possibly getting a care coordinator like i have got. Mine is brilliant and can sort summat out for u im sure, wether its help with the kids or anything else your struggling with. Hope you feel a little better soon hun. xxxx

Jenette - posted on 05/17/2010

Hi Megan. You should first look at his diet. If he is not eating well and eating too much sugar this will most certainly spark his behaviour. Try cutting out sugar all together. I found that the "naughty mat" (like on supernanny) worked wonders for my children and you really have to be persistent and don't sway from the rules. Since I introduced the "naughty mat" I did not need to spank my children at all, as it also made me feel really guilty doing it. As for your Bipolar, have you seen a nutritionist at all? You will be amazed that what you are eating or drinking could be the cause of your eratic behaviour. Cut out stimulants like caffeine and definitely no sugar and this can swing your moods dramatically. Regular Reiki (energy healing) sessions will also help you get back on track. Hope this helps.
Cheers
Jenette

Christie - posted on 05/17/2010

Aahhhh. The 'terrible threes'. (I never did think the 'twos' could hold a candle to them!)

There is a book I used to use called '101 Alternatives to Spanking.' It has some good ideas for discipline. What I have found mostly is that sometimes you just have to have enough stamina to be consistent. (Much easier to say than do, I realize.) I also recommend the book 'Don't shoot the dog' , which contains some good ideas for behavior modification.

We all have our good days and bad days. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just do the best you can each day.

I have found that my kids naturally go through 'mom' stages and 'dad' stages. You don't say if you are together with his dad, but if you can it is OK to let them gravitate to whichever gender they are drawn to at their current stage. It is part of forming their own gender identity. Just don't let it turn into a power struggle or manipulation tool for them.

You will do fine, and live to tell some great stories (write down some of those things - they are great for threatening to tell his dates in a few years!)

Silvia - posted on 05/17/2010

YOU need to try to remember at all times that the intellect of your son is a lot different then yours. To understand a 3 year old, you need to go down to his level. There is a way to apply dicipline with love. There are different levels of love and understanding and we know that . Plan seeds of love and water them, let them grow. Communicate with you son and let him think how you feel. Chances are he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. He knows you are the boss and there is no need to let him know that. He needs to love you for your sacrifice. He will not want to hurt you in the future. You need to tell him in soft voice that a certain action or behavior bothers you. Remember that HE IS LEARNING. I don't know how old you are but think of the number of years you have ahead of him. Please stop feeling guilty by knowing that you are doing your absolute best. When he drives you crazy, slow down and remember how much you love him. Kiss the bundle of joy and laugh that you are letting such little creature drive you insane. Always remember that you are his world and that right now he loves nobody more then you.

Carrie - posted on 05/17/2010

Megan,
1st of all, I am a mother of a 3 year old. 2nd I have a degree in Early Childhood Education & taught K for 3 years before being a Stay at home mom. I think maybe what you are experiencing is completely natural. The frustration is what I'm referring to...and the child not listening. I personally have been told recently by several other "older mommas" that the 3's were worse than the 2's! And, I must say, they have been for me. My son is very smart as well, which also brings in a whole other side of challenges. Here's my advice. 1. Get Dr. Dobson's book Bringing up Boys. 2. IDK if you are a Christian, but I know you aren't beating your child or you wouldn't be on here asking for help. I do think that you should try to not use your hand for spankings. I recommend a plastic/silicone ended spatula or what you may call a spreader for spreading icing on a cake. I use spanking AFTER I have given my child warnings for the same occurrence or if I feel the punishment needs to be that. 3. Spanking correctly isn't wrong and isn't "beating" If you need assistance on how, I really recommend having them bend over your knee or kind of around your leg so you are sure to spank on their bottom and not their legs. 4. You need to stop worrying about what other mothers or ppl think about your "mothering" and do what you know is right. By this I mean that so often we too quickly "judge" one another's parenting techniques that we forget, hey that so could be our kid! 5. I've seen it all too often that children do "play parent against parent". He's pulling on your heart by doing so. Being "all about Dad" is natural for him. My sons Dr. (a mother of 2) told me that my son and I would have a lot of struggles b/c I didn't have testosterone like my husband. Unfortunately for you, your son's father isn't always there for you to say, "hey, tag you're it" like I do when mine is getting out of control or I feel myself about to get angry. If you feel this is the case, and when he gets in trouble he cries for Daddy (mine does this to us, if I'm getting on to him, he wants dad, if dad's getting on to him he wants me) Tell him you'll let him call him once he's settled down or maybe even have a little photo album made (walmart.com has spiral ones you can add text too!) and when he wants his Daddy, tell him when he's done in time out or done with whatever it is you're wanting that you and him can sit down and read that album or just look at the pics. He may just need some reassurance there. 6. Put yourself in time out if you need to. Sometimes the time out is so you both can chill out and collect your thoughts. So often the child gets out of control because they are excited or feel loss of control and they don't know how to channel that so we have to teach them how. I tell my son that Mommy needs a time out too. Sit in the same room and even if you just have to count to 10, do it. Then, revisit the proper way he should be acting. I believe that "mighty oaks from acorns grow"--meaning "training a child" doesn't happen over night, but it takes CONSISTENCY. I am hoping you don't beat yourself up, although I do the same thing. I feel a lot of guilt. You are not alone. If you need more support, hopefully you'll get it. I personally don't like "medicating" kids when its not needed, so be cautious in that area as well. He's probably just a "horrific 3 year old" at this point. Just whatever you do, and I do spanking, time out, and sometimes take toys, be consistent and try to keep your cool. He's gonna learn from watching you as well, Even if you have to say go sit on my bed for a minute and I'll be right there to give yourself a second to calm yourself before dealing with him. I've said lately "I Don't know what I'm gonna do with him"...but I keep on being consistent and he'll eventually get it. I just think of my cousins (about 10 yrs younger than me) who I recall being "horrible" or "brats" at this age, and now they are wonderful tender hearted teens....see training...teaching does work. It just takes time. :) Hope I helped! I'm going through the same thing. It'll get better!

Ashlei - posted on 05/17/2010

Hi, wow lots of crazy post here. And they call us nuts (im bipolar aswell, haha ) I too do not take medications and it has never interfered with my parenting. It has nothing to do with her and if anything she makes it easier to coup. I give you mad props for doing it with out medications. I know its hard but it is the better choice.

As for your son he is 3 and a boy. It is going to be hard. He is going to work your nerves. But you are stronger then these other mamas. Pick a routine of discipline that works for you and STICK WITH IT. Kids depend on consistency. And you can't bring yourself to spank him because you have a good heart and know its wrong. You are a good mom I can tell :) Hang in there. He'll only be 3 once.

Amanda - posted on 05/17/2010

I'm bipolar & so is my mother. My mom said i didnt listen as a lil kid so she hit me & my behavior just continued or got worse. Bipolar can be genetic, so im scared my lil one is going to have it too. Im hoping if maybe i control myself enough not to act out in anger/ aggression, she wont misbehave like i did or learn the same bad patterns.

Instead of yelling, try just picking him up & putting him in time out. or explaining to him why he needs to stop instead of yelling. Remember what it was like to be a kid: after someone yells at you over & over, pretty soon you just block them out & dont care that theyre yelling anymore

Shelby - posted on 05/17/2010

I have bi-polar as well and I understand your concern. Don't ever think your a bad parent! Your son has clothes, food, a roof over his head and endless love! Your doing great!

Elise - posted on 05/17/2010

Try to get some help. It is good you are talking about it but please try hard not to take it out on him. Loving strict discipline is good and all my children were good kids. I would swat them on the butt or smack their hands a little when they were real small and they knew what I meant. My son's first words were hun-ah-h....meaning NO, don't you touch that!!! As that is what I would say to him when he started to touch something he shouldn't. Your son's dad needs to discipline more but with love and understanding. Elise

Nicola - posted on 05/17/2010

Your not a bad parent. Over here in NZ it is illegal to smack a child as it creates negitive bahavoural problems and im against anything more then a tap on the hand anyway. I use positive parenting techneques on my 2 year old, I always make sure I praise him for every little thing that he does that it good rather then only focusing on the negitives. A child will do negitive things if they feel they get more attention from you by going negitive things then by doing good things so focusing on the positives is a big part of it. When my son is naughty I ask him to say sorry or put himself in his room for time out (he quite often takes up one of these two offers), if he refuses I start counting towards 5 everytime he does something wrong, once I say one I say you'll go to time out and I'll give him a warning after 4 to stop it. Once it reaches 5 its off to his bedroom for timeout, when I put him in there (no matter how much he kicks and screams) I take a breath to calm myself then I explain to him why he is in there and why its not acseptable then I tell him how long he's in time out for then I walk out and close the door. When I return 5 mins later (you should try to time this) I ask him if hes going to be a good boy and to say sorry (hes only just learning the word so a kiss is acceptable), If he hert someone I ask him to also say sorry to them, if hes still being naughty when I come in I say okay then you can wait anouther 5 mins and it starts again. When you feel like you could lose it at him remove yourself from the situation for a minute or take a breath and count to 10. You need to remember children don't just happen to know whats good and bad you have to let them know when its bad but alot of parents forget to show them theres a better way of getting attention by praising them for the good and I think thats a big key.

Samantha - posted on 05/17/2010

Hang in there Megan...I am in a similar situation with my 4 and half yr old daughter. With me..t is my tone...not yelling, but very serious...she knows I mean business. I gave her time outs and sometimes they lasted over an hour of fighting with her until she sat there...and I would always follow through with them...the thing is consistency...don't change your pattern of punishment. After wards, explain and talk about why they got punished...do they understand...this seemed to work. I do and have spanked her...but I did not start until she was around 4 or almost 4 though...relax...take a deep breath and remember, YOUR the parent and YOU run the show :) Hang in there sweetie!

Angie - posted on 05/17/2010

I have three children, 15, 8 and 8 months. My son would sometimes have behavior issues when he was about 3. When he would be having a rough time, I would disciplin him with a time out - sit on the floor in the kitchen in front of the dishwasher. A little later if things were ok, I would give him a hug and cuddle and that would completely change his attitude. Our attitude reflects onto their's. There is no right answer because every child is different and what works in one case doesn't work in an other... You'll figure it out. One thing is for certain, if you're always shouting it's not good for your relationship and it doesn't bother your child anymore.

Cheryl - posted on 05/17/2010

I am a mother of three. It may be just a stage that he is going through or it could be that he is just looking for more attention from you. Reward him for being good and dismiss bad behaviour even if you have to leave the room. He needs your attention to have his little fits. If need be, follow through with what you want of him. Sometimes the "terrible twos" can be twos, threes or more. Just don't give up and remember that you can walk away from the situation anytime and come back to it when you have calmed down. Count to three and start all over again. There is always a reason behind their behaviour. As toddlers get older, they try to exurt their own agendas and misbehave when they don't get what they want. We, as adults, learn to outwit them. Try different ways to get his attention. I even once threw a tantrum myself, laying on the floor, crying, kicking my feet as I was seeing my daughter doing. She stopped dead to see what was going on. She didn't throw fits anymore after that. It was hilarious. My son would sometimes misbehave; to stop that behaviour, I would tickle him until he was screaming with laughter. At times, when they would get excited and start yelling; I would tell them that I couldn't hear what they were saying and they would eventually calm down enough to use their inside voices. Whatever works for you. Above all, remember, kids are not out to get us. They just haven't figured out how to communicate what they want in a civilized manner and haven't quite figured out who is actually in charge.

Katie - posted on 05/17/2010

I just have one thing to say, children will do anything to get out of being in trouble including lie. Especially if you have an advanced 3 year old, that kid can lie and manipulate you into circles. I nannied a 2y/o who would point blame on siblings to try and get out of time outs or other punishment.
I know what it's like to feel like your kid is completely out of control and what that does to a fragile emotional state in a mommy. The best advice is stick to your guns (you're the mommy and you're in charge, always do exactly what you say you will), try and sleep as much as possible, and St John's Wort (not to be mixed with Sudafed), Vitamin D3, and B-100 Complex are great for bi-polar and depression.

Lynnda - posted on 05/17/2010

Sweetie I run a childcare facility and have several 2's, 3's and 4 year olds. Your comment to me is you just want some one to help... help by doing what? Coming and relieve you of your child for a few of hrs. Help doing what?

Lynnda - posted on 05/17/2010

Hi Megan,

What ever you do "be constant" children do well when they have a daily routine. And you might want to seek professional help with your own personal issues

Michele - posted on 05/17/2010

First of all Megan, you will have to get ur Bipolar under control in order to be a good parent. I had severe depression when all 5 of my children were babies and I almost got divorced because I was not taking my medication. I thought everyone else around me had a problem and I was fine. I was not fine and when you are not taking medication for imbalances you cannot think clearly. This is not an attack on you I am just letting you know that you will feel a lot better and cope better if you were following a doctors guide. Also have you tried parenting classes? Medication and parenting classes would make a great combination. My oldest is now 22 and my youngest is 15 and you can NOT take back time and they grow so fast and everything you do with your children now will reflect how they behave when they are teenagers and adults. Good luck!

Lynnda - posted on 05/17/2010

Michelle, everything you said was true!

Erin - posted on 05/17/2010

Hi Megan,
I echo what everyone else is saying: you are not a bad parent because you are Bipolar! Children can push anyone's limits sometimes- even those of us who do not have a condition such as yours, believe me! I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. My two year old behaves pretty well, but I have a strategy that is different from most people that have written to you. Firstly- I never, ever spank my children. My feelings are that I am teaching my child to lash out and hit someone when they are upset and frustrated, and I don't want to encourage that. Instead, I use positive reinforcement of good behavior, and I discourage bad behavior by distracting my child onto another activity that he CAN do. For instance, my son likes to pull apart an arrangement of fake flowers that I have in my livingroom. Instead of yelling at him and spanking him when he doesn't stop, I tell him that we don't play with flowers (those belong to mommy) and I walk him over to a toy that he likes to play with, and I play alongside him. He has forgotten about the bad activity and isn't interested in it now anyway, as he is now playing with something fun and getting to play with mommy all at the same time. Because I rarely raise my voice to my children, when I do it REALLY does the trick- they are so shocked that they often stop immediately and get worried. I have only done this when a safety issue comes up- such as running towards a street, etc.
I know you don't want any advice concerning your bipolar issue, but I must say that for the sake of your child, you should be under the care of a physician and possibly be on medication to control it if the doctor thinks it necessary. Remember: you now have yourself AND your child to think about- do it for him, and you will both be happier in the long run. Good luck to you and I hope this helps in some small way:)

Alicia - posted on 05/17/2010

Learn to pick your battles. My son is 3 and he does the same thing. If you hound him about everything all day he will get confused. It takes hearing something hundreds of times to full understand it. Be consistent with punishment-Don't eat your lunch? no snack, Throw your toys around, you don't get to play with them. If hes acting up around other kids offer him a warning, "listen to mom or we're leaving." Then follow through and leave the park/friends house if he doesn't listen. After a time or two he'll get the point that you a serious. At that age they are all about testing you. They also have LOTS of energy so go to a park or even just outside and let him run or play with chalk anything. Then you can call a friend or read a book(as long as you can keep an eye of him of course) do something for yourself.

Amber - posted on 05/17/2010

My son just turned 4 and I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been diagnosed as bipolar too and sometimes I feel like a bad parent because he doesn't always listen to me, or I yell at him before I realize I need to calm down. What you need to realize is you are not a bad parent because you love your child enough that you worry about how you are parenting him. My 4 year old is a handful to say the least. I at my wits end and even took him to a counselor. Through trial and error I discovered the most effective thing in discipline is just to follow through with what you say. There will be set backs and it will be hard. If you don't feel comfortable spanking then try time outs, or sticker charts to reward behaviors. Just remember that you are not a bad mother, your son will eventually grow out of it and just take it one day at a time.

Jennifer - posted on 05/17/2010

It's hard to find the right kind of dicipline for you. I don't like to hit my children. I will if something life-threatening is going on, I would rather they be scared of me than die. My husband and I actually do two different methods but similar styles. You can do discipline without physical contact. There is a video you may want to invest in, we leared about it when we went to a parenting class that my daughters school offered. http://www.parentmagic.com/ It's called 1-2-3 Magic - Easy-To-Learn Parenting Solutions That Work From Dr. Thomas Phelan. It worked for us, and while we didn't have horrible children, they certainly had their moments. My husband doesn't do 1.2.3...he changed his to count backward from five. I really recommend this-it's easy and you feel so much calmer in the long run. It changed the dynamic in our family. Good luck!

Missy - posted on 05/17/2010

i honestly dont know what to tell you, there are so many ppl with different thoughts and opions all i can tell u is that u do what u feel is right take abit of everyones advice onboard but use wat works for u over time u will proberply find that ur child changes again and again and different thing will work ....... i will say but maybe just try some routine i know its hard sometimes but it works for me

April - posted on 05/16/2010

hi megan just read this post. i have an almost 2 year old and shes pretty good most of the time. however i have a close family friend that works with kiddies that give their parents hard times and stuff. i also think that diet has alot to do with behaviour. my little girl goes crazy on sugar even from apples. she completely glazes over and doesn't listen to a thing i say! so i have payed very close attention to her when i give her certain foods. and she back to being an angel when she doesnt have much processed or high sugar foods. might be something to try out. good luck with everything :D

Rachel - posted on 05/16/2010

Everyone gets the guilt trip...and the fact that you are feeling it only means that you know where you want correction, not that he needs more aggressive ones.
Think about this...Your son may be acting like you. Not bi-polar, but if you yell and scream or act out/lose your temper...then you are teaching him to do the same. Your also trying to correct an issue that may have been learned for years now so it won't happen overnight. So take a step back, correct your own behavior - calm yourself down and try a different approach because its obvious that the one your on doesn't work.
You can try calmer forms of "punishment", for instance time-outs are good. He won't do it by himself? Sit there with him in your lap if you must. At 3, your looking at 1-1/2 to 3 mintues. He may want Dad because he can either get different attention or out of any punishment. But you are smarter then a 3 year old. :-)
Also, take away as much sugar as possible. Juice, cereals and such are loaded with them. Get him away from white breads or pastas. The excess sugar and bad carbs can cause blood sugar issues and also have an impact on his moods and tantrums. Its small, but that may be all he needs...just a calmer and steady baseline to match his temper with.
Good luck!

Heather - posted on 05/16/2010

I was flying into rages for no reason, crying all the time and was just plain mad. went to a therapist, I had been previously diagnosed with bi-polar disorder type 2 my therapist sent me to an awesome psychiatrist who correctly diagnosed me as having a mood disorder and anxiety. He told me that Bi-polar disorder is the most over-diagnosed disorder out there I am on the correct meds for me, and am in so much more control. Just something to think about.

Fawn - posted on 05/15/2010

@Amanda, just because a mom is bipolar and can have personal control issues does not make it her fault for a child that is misbehaving. I have 6 children and 5 of them are grown. They grew up with a mom that "was out of control" upon occasion. I would send myself to my room. They knew that the rules applied to me as well as them. They watched me struggle and have told me that even though it was often very difficult they always knew that I did not ask anything of them that I did not ask of myself.

I tried for 20 years to get help but was unable to find out what was wrong with me. Doctors told me it was all in my head. I just thought I was losing my mind. Don't make judgments about things you do not understand. Trying to describe what it is like to be bipolar is like trying to describe the color yellow to a blind person. Raising children is the most difficult job we will ever do. Having a disability only makes it more difficult. Kind words and support are what we need to share as mothers. The sign of a good parent is one who reaches out when the feel overwhelmed. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help, but even more when you know that some people will judge you for something you did not ask for, nor can you control.

Kelly - posted on 05/15/2010

Michelle, I have advice, but I do have a question. If you do not feel your Bipolar disorder is affecting your ability to discipline your child, why did you mention it? My thought is that it is affecting your ability to discipline properly, just not in the typical way. Which still means it's not completely controlled and you need to get some help with that before you can effectively discipline your little one. Don't worry, I'm not a fan of drugs either and I'll be the last to recommend them if you don't want to take them, but I would recommend counseling. It has helped me and my sister both tremendously and it's usually covered with insurance.

As for the problems with the little one, here is what I would do (I do this with my son). Make a DETAILED list of the behaviors you want to change, and be very, very specific. For instance, don't say "Not listening." Say, "Doesn't get dressed when I ask him to. Doesn't pick up toys unless I ask several times. Throws a fit when we change tasks or locations. etc."
Then focus on one behavior a week. So, for week one focus on getting dressed. Tell him to go get dressed and walk into his room. Get his clothes and hand them to him. If he doesn't follow you, pick him up and carry him in. Give him one minute to get dressed while you stand and watch (I had to do that b/c I tend to get distracted and not come back for like 10 minutes and by then we've both forgotten what he's supposed to be doing). If he is not fully dressed at the end of the minute, dress him. Do it everyday until he is dressing--at 3 you may still have to help him a good bit. If he throws a tantrum, just completely ignore it and put him into the clothes. You can use incentives such as picking out his own outfit to encourage him.

For picking up toys, set a kitchen timer for 5 minutes and tell him that any toy still on the floor when the timer dings will be "bagged." Do not tell him what happens to the toys in the bag (if he knows they are being thrown out, it may be too much for him, but if he knows he's getting them back, he won't worry about it). When the timer dings, pick up the toys and put them in a black garbage bag, then hide them somewhere. I make my son earn them back by doing things as I ask him. I do not tell him that he has the option to earn them back, I just surprise him with a toy when he surprises me by listening. I keep the toys a minimum of 3 days.

And so on, pick a good method to change each and every behavior on your list and be consistent every day. For me, the same discipline method does not fit all problems, so I think ahead of ways to fix problem behaviors so I know how to act on the spot. There will always be days when you don't know what to do, but once you spot a new problem, write it down, work out a solution and move on :)

Btw, You said you couldn't bring yourself to hit your child hard enough to phase him--That right there is a mark of a wonderful, loving, and caring mom!! Don't beat yourself up over that!! Obviously, I don't spank, I honestly just feel it is wrong, I know a lot of mothers who do who are still good mothers, but I do not think you have to spank your child to be a good mother. There are so many more effective ways to change behavior if you don't want to spank.

Also, if you are interested, this is one of my favorite books "Playful Parenting" Lawrence J Cohen PhD.

Mackenzie - posted on 05/15/2010

Really there are a million different methods of discipline for a child but the most important part of all is to be consistent. What ever you decide it is vital that you stick with it and eventually it will pay off. Parenting is not about instant gratification and the true pay off will come years down the road when they become functioning members of society. Until then I believe that as long and you stick with it and believe in yourself to do what is right for your child this to shall pass.

Shondell - posted on 05/15/2010

I did the 1, 2, 3 magic and it worked for me. BUT anything you’re going to try will feel pointless and useless until your son knows you’re NOT going to give in or give up, CONSISTANCY. CONSISTANCY.and more CONSISTANCY. Is the only way but remember anything you try will only work if CONSISTANCY.first is put into place. My daughter is now 11 and my son is 5 and its still working strong, sure there are time when they chuck a wobble and that’s normal too because there good behavior outweighs there bad behavior by far
Last but not least I believe in treating others the same way you yourself want to be treated (you yell they yell, you scream they scream, you hit they hit, you swear they swear, you throw they throw, it’s a cycle I’m not perfect by far But I just keep that in the back of my head to help me keep on the straight and narrow.
Good luck
psI love what Kira Hudson wrote Great advive :-)

Kira - posted on 05/15/2010

Megan,

Everyone has tehir opinion of what is the best to do. But really, you need to think about how you want to re-act to these situations. Play the situation out in your head, and stick with it. I think that sometimes as parents, we try so many different things looking for something that works. When really we just need to stick with one thing.... My kids have ALWAYS responded with CONSISTANCY. Always have the same punishment for the same "crime".... It doesn't really matter what works for everyone else; it's finding what works for YOU :)

Jennifer - posted on 05/15/2010

all kids are pretty different, and boys and girls are quite different... my boy Jordan is 4 and has an amazing attentions span, he could play a game for 30 minutes for sure! That is not "normal" though in my experience!

Sharon - posted on 05/15/2010

How long is your 3 years olds attention span?

Jennifer - posted on 05/15/2010

three year olds can definitely be challenging.... there are lots of great supports and resources. One thing I try and remember about being a good parent, be sensitive to their needs, sensible in what you expect, and sacrificing overall, because it is VERY giving to be a parent. But you also need to know when to get help and maybe take a time out too! I have had time outs in my bathroom to get me cool, there is nothing wrong with that, sometimes you need to think!

Debbie - posted on 05/15/2010

You are not a bad parent, because you care ennough to ask for help!



First though, Are you on medication? and have you talked to doctor about medication for your son who may possibly also be bi-polar? Also, maybe parenthood is just different or harder than you thought it would be, and not actually bi-polar? Good to get a doctors help if you are.



Outside that, your son really needs/wants to know where the boundaries are for his own feelings of safety in the world. So, pick one or two things that you feel you can be consistent in no matter what. the things you pick are not as important as your conviction in sticking to them kindly, but consistenly. Also, focus on an "we always..." instead of a "we never". An example could be, we always read one story before bed. Or, we always put on pajamas when the clock says this. Or whatever will work for you - pick something easy.



Also - frame questions so that you are not asking "do you want"? but rather, Simply state (firmly, and maybe 100 times) it is time for XXXX, or " we do it this way now". he will not respond at first. But if you do not yield, he will get the picture. Yell, and he wins, which means you both really lose. Let your love for him keep you strong enough to be strong for him.



Punishment will not work, and spanking will only turn him into a more violent person. Logical consequesnces are different, but have to be immediate and make sense. For example, if he throws his glass of juice on the floor, you say, "oh, now the juice is all gone. I guess you are not thirsty." And then NO ONE in the household can change that. No yelling, just no juice - or whatever. (use common sense on the wait time - maybe 15-30 minutes - so he does not get dehydrated, but make it calmly firmly clear that getting anything to drink right now is out of the question) . If it seems like it might work, set a timer. You can ask me nicely for juice when the timer rings. Be prepared for him asking non-stop the first time or 2.



Now, spilling by accident is completely different. Then its "oops that glass was too full. Lets clean that up and try again" same, no yelling. Take a deep breath, count to 5, then breath out on a 5-count. then proceed.



Also - I highly recommend getting him into organized kid-group ASAP. Pre-school, community classes, whatever you can. The structure in those will be good for him. Kids are begging for firm, kind, consistent leadership from adults. Best of luck with all that! Also, watch that Nanny show on TV. I forgot her name, but she is great!

Amy - posted on 05/15/2010

my advise to you ..that absolutly works for me is mean what u say and say what you mean ..also give positive reinforcement ...treats for doing good.also the main thing is NO SUGAR most children get wrongly diagnosed with ADHD when there moms give them sodas and sweets they misbehave and the parents wonder why...its a sugar high and it will cause even the best children to not listen...good luck

Margaret - posted on 05/15/2010

I dont thnk its good idea to beat the child try by all meens to be polite to him,you wll c he will gradualy listen to you trust me

Cynthia - posted on 05/15/2010

I have to agree you do need to treat your disorder, and you do need some hands on help with your son.
It might benifit you to write down how your routine is the same and different from when your sons dad is with you. List the ways in his fathers handling is different from yours, and how you can achieve the same goals his father achieves, with a technique that suits your circumstances and abilities....
Parenting is a skill that CAN be acquired and used even when our own emotional stabilty is rocking, KNOWING when your cycling, you need to have a support system in place to look after your son while you are trying new drugs, etc. your son is suffering from insecurity and until you have a more stable system in place you will continue to experience behavioural problems with your son.

Find out from your doctor and health unit what is availble to help you with parenting and your health issues.

I think the recommendation to join the Bipolar Mom community is a good place to start right now, for really the rest of us are on the outside looking in.

JuLeah - posted on 05/15/2010

Good for you for writing and asking.
There are parenting groups, support groups ..... I am sure you have a professional you see for the bipolar. Speak with this person about what is happening.
You losing your temper is very different from him needing correction.
Your relationship with your son is one that will last a life time. Get help.

Amanda - posted on 05/15/2010

Hes out of control because his mom is bipolar an dhe watches his mom get out of control with him when she is frustrated, sounds like you should seek professional help.

Erin - posted on 05/15/2010

After reading some of the answers above I've seen where people use different ways to handle they're kids. I know that all kids are different and some things work for some kids and some don't. I used the count to 3 and it didn't work at first, but when I spanked my son after 3 one day he relized that I mean it now. I still use it and it's great. You can try what you wish. I was a single parent until my son was 5 (now 6). Doctors said he also acts out some of the times because he may feel as if it's his fault things aren't how they should be and he knows that it's not right without his Dad and that male bonding time on a day to day bases. I hated my ex and he felt my anger even though I didn't express it in front of him, he could feel the vibes and he acted out over my anger some times. Just remember, meds aren't always the way to go and you are the only one who knows how you really feel. I was on meds and I went from one extream to another and I hated it. I no longer take any thing and I'm fine. I use to hide from my son when I was upset and crying, but he found me one day and wiped my tears and told me it would be ok and stop crying cause he loved me! Kids know more than you would ever thank..

Jacquelynn - posted on 05/15/2010

I have a friend who also is Bipolar. She is on medication for it but when she has those days of both her children not listening she sends them to their rooms for however old they are without anything in there rooms but beds and has a time out for mommy and kids. Also since she reads to them every night before they go to bed, if she has a bad day she takes away that reward as well. Start setting up little things that he LOVES and begs for and when he misbehaves take one away at a time.

Erin - posted on 05/15/2010

I understand where your coming from. I suffer from Depression and it's crazy at times around my house. I found out that my son was acting out all the time no matter where he was and who he was with not because of something I did, but he's ADHD. I took him to see the Dr. and had to take steps just to find out that he has ADHD and they tryed to place him on meds. I went to a local Health food store and spoke to the ladies about it. They told me about vitamines that help repair the chemical inbalance that causes ADHD. He likes them and will take them with no problem and now he can sit and listen better and doesn't destory my house as much. Good Luck and don't think your a bad parent. We all have those days, and it's easy to get upset when you've done all you can do..

Ronni - posted on 05/15/2010

Hi Megan!
The fact that you are asking for advice proves your a good parent! My husband and I are together, but he worked about 90 hrs a week, so I felt like a single mom. My girls are a little older now, but I think the 3's were the worst (the testing age). I tried the time outs, time outs for favorite toys, no tv time, no play dates. She even had her entire room emptied on one occasion (she literally only had her bed, lamp and dresser) she had to earn everything back, including her clothes (took her about 3 weeks-long 3 weeks, but it did work). Sometimes, I would need the time out to get away from the situation--and I would just make sure she couldn't get into anything (it's ok to take a break). You know your son better than anyone and what will work...just stick with it. Remember, all things shall pass. :)

Valerie - posted on 05/14/2010

HI Megan!

Some might think I'm a soft touch, but if my 3 y o daughter acts up (I mean full-blown OOC) I take her out of the situation if we're in public, or change rooms in the house if we're at home. She'll freak out, of course. I'll just keep saying "I see your upset but you can't do that because of (XYZ)" I emphasize that I see she's upset, even sympathize with how upset she is. I'll leave the room and come back if she's completely unresponsive to me or tells me to leave. She usually calms down within a few minutes and wants to talk about it, and I take that opportunity to let her know that what she did was wrong, that it's not fun to freak out like that etc.

A lot of moms would think that this sounds really weak, but it totally works for me. I'm not a yeller - if I'm yelling it's because I'm not rational, and that doesn't work for disciplining a child. I am a wimp for spanking (just like you)... and it takes a special kind of strength to balance sympathy and firmness.

Hope it helps. Just the fact that you're thinking about it and asking yourself the questions, I can see you're an awesome mom.

Kate - posted on 05/14/2010

3's are tough. Children this age can't really understand what adults understand about reasoning. So when you take too much away he just doesn't care and moves on. Sounds like there may also be a power struggle that has been created. Some places offer parenting classes if your open to that (I took one and it worked wonders) (like the YMCA or something) and they usually teach "tricks" to get what you want while teaching him to curb his behavior. Consistancy is key, it's really hard, but he will know what you expect from him and it gives him boundaries he can follow. Things like a choice of two things, just make the choices two things that you want from him. It's frustrating, but you have to repeat yourself. When you start getting angry, walk away for a few, count to ten, calm yourself and then try again. Somethings aren't worth the fight, so pick your battles. He's gonna turn 4 at some point :)