I know this is not about kids but I need to know

Kimberly - posted on 02/11/2009

I didn't have all the info available to me when I answered, I hope you don't take any of this to heart.

Kim

Jamie - posted on 02/11/2009

If it is constant stuff like that, YES- I would put your foot down. If it was just something that embarassed him, it was all he could do at the time to get you to stop talking. I wouldn't get too upset over it but if it continues I would be putting your foot down for sure.

Rebecca - posted on 02/11/2009

Tit for tat, you need to have a common respect for each other and not reduce yourselves to playing childish games.

Jenn - posted on 02/11/2009

He needs to keep hands off or you can walk. Even IF this was the first time he did this, it is not ok. It shows he has no respect for you and thinks he can walk all over you. He should've waited til the house was clear and TALKED to you about it.

Jenn - posted on 02/11/2009

He needs to keep hands off or you can walk. Even IF this was the first time he did this, it is not ok. It shows he has no respect for you and thinks he can walk all over you. He should've waited til the house was clear and TALKED to you about it.

Jenn - posted on 02/11/2009

He needs to keep hands off or you can walk. Even IF this was the first time he did this, it is not ok. It shows he has no respect for you and thinks he can walk all over you. He should've waited til the house was clear and TALKED to you about it.

Becky - posted on 02/11/2009

He and you shouldn't have acted like that in front of company.  You have the power to destroy your husbands rep and he has the power of turning you into a disrepectful wife.

Maggie - posted on 02/11/2009

She said the joke embarrassed him....it wasn't about him or directed at him. She explained that earlier on....it was a joke made about a football team. His behavior was totally inappropriate.

Rochelle - posted on 02/11/2009

It is hard to tell what's really going on from just one incident, but I don't blame you for being upset with his behavior. I would tell him that even if he was just kidding, I don't want you to thump my head again. If he keeps touching you like this in anger or to "get you in line" I would definitely suggest leaving. Physical abuse generally starts with "little" things and always escalates to worse violence...

Desiree - posted on 02/11/2009

It is really sad how this thread became a bad husbands/boyfriends bashing conversation.

Lori, try reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It might help in your marriage, if you would like to make some changes. This is good for all wives to read no matter what their circumstances are.

Michelle - posted on 02/11/2009

Yes.  Bumping you on the back of the head is not appropriate even for a little kid.  I would suggest you apologize to him about making an embarrassing joke and then explain to him calmly and kindly  that you didn't like how he bumped you on the back of the head and if you embarrased him again you would appriciate it he would wait to talk to you about it later.  Leave out the part about him treating you like a kid because the main point is that you didn't like it , it felt demeaning and direspectful, and you don't like to be treated that way.  If he does something to you that you don't like, even if he thinks it is no big deal, if it bothers you, it is important. 

Kimberly - posted on 02/11/2009

In my opinion, if this is a one time thing, I would go with bruised ego in mixed group.  But if this type of correction is the norm, he should think about the equality of relationship.  If you make it a habbit of emparasing him in mixed company, you should think about it as well.  From his point of view, embarrasment may be a form of abuse too.  It can be a two way street.

Maggie - posted on 02/11/2009

You are being abused emotionally and it sounds like you are on your way to being abused physically. Don't wait around for him to "step it up". Love yourself enough to get away. Good luck and God Bless.

Pam - posted on 02/11/2009

It sounds like your husband needs to learn some respect and keep his hands off you, even in a joking matter. It is rude and disrespectful to you. especially in front of guest. Maybe someone should remind him of his manners! Sounds like your husband may have an insecurity issue... So, because he was embarrassed, he should embarrass you too ~ Very inappropriate in my opinion!

Rebecca - posted on 02/10/2009

if you read the whole thread, she has HEAPS of advice, already knows she's in an abusive relationship and in counselling (from what i can tell of more than one kind), so she should be resorting to her professional counsellors, not looking for sympathy or votes from us to arm her against her husband (which won't work in any case).

my point is she KNOWS (if you read the whole thread) that the klap to the back of the head was wrong; you can tell from the whole thread, and she has a long list of excuses not to leave. SO this is attention seeking, and actually NOT good for her. as long as she keeps getting rewarded for her victimhood, she will feel more comfortable being in it.

Twyla - posted on 02/10/2009

Quoting Rebecca:

can't we close the thread now. i feel that posting this when the person knows they are in an abusive relationship is attention seeking for someone who gets benefit from displaying themselves as a victim and she has now received lots of attention!

Or she could be someone who needs help, and they are reaching out for it. Its been 13 years. Its not like its an EASY fix. Sometimes a little support is what a woman needs to be strong enough to stand on their own, and either get the husband the help he needs, or strong enough to stand up and walk out...  Ladies, lets try to support our fellow Moms !!!!

Twyla - posted on 02/10/2009

I just saw this posting, I didn't read all of it, there is a lot here. I did see 13 years together, its always been like this, gun held on you,  and children together.    If it has been 13 years, psychologists says it will take 13 to 26 yrs to fix. I had a husband that was treating me like I was a child. It got worse, we tried counseling, church therapists, he'd get better, then worse.  Finally I had a friend that told me she would support me whatever I did, I needed  to weigh things out. Over the next month have a notebook that he can not get to. Think hard. Write down the reasons you are staying, things he and yourself could do so you could feel like a woman that is loved and not mentally abused or child like, the reasons you think you should not stay, and an action plan of what you would do to survive out in the world alone. See which list makes more theological sense. Emotional sense will keep women in a terrible abusive relationship WAY too long..  And as far as the children, does Dad act abusive enough that it is harming them mentally, or physically? Any type of behavior like that harms them emotionally. How much does he deeply care about them? Is it real, or put on? How many times does he hug them for no reason and tell them he is proud of them, or he loves them in a week? Women are strong and can go thru a lot, children are impressionable and can't. After 13 years as long as there is no immediate danger, another month will not hurt anything.           It is hard to be a single Mom, but there are lots of single Moms. You can do this IF that is what you decide. And if you weigh it out and choose to stay, be strong !!   You need to be you, and he needs to love " you " not who he wants you to be. Its not love if you are just a body with who " you " are hidden inside and thats the only way he is happy.  Work on things a church cousil is just as good if not better than another. Just make sure you are able to be open...   And you will be supported. 

Rebecca - posted on 02/10/2009

can't we close the thread now. i feel that posting this when the person knows they are in an abusive relationship is attention seeking for someone who gets benefit from displaying themselves as a victim and she has now received lots of attention!

Renee - posted on 02/10/2009

Didn't getting "bumped in the back of the head" embarrass you? Seems to me that he should practice what he preaches. However, try to be a little more aware of you hubby's "sensitive" needs.

Tobi - posted on 02/10/2009

That was completely disrespectful and should not be tolerated by you.  I'm passionate and would voice my opinion there and then, but that's probably not the best way!  My sister in law would have distanced herself and talked to her husband about it later... much later.

This may be the begining of something very ugly.  I hope you can settle this ASAP!

Patricia - posted on 02/10/2009

I have been there cuz I have done this and I didn't think it was a big deal.  Well, It wasn't about me...it was about him and  how HE took it.  Regardless of what I thought, he needs validated cuz it affected HIM.  I apologized to my husband and offered a suggestion LESS hurtful than a "bonk" on the head....is to have him, if he is sitting next to you, to squeeze your hand, or put his hand under your elbow and give a small squeeze or something unnoticeable so you get the hint to cease the joking about him.  Obviously, HIS FEELINGS were hurt, he was offended.  Try not to criticize, cuz again, it's not about YOU, its about HIM....he was hurt by your comments.  Take note and learn not to do that again....sure a joke is a joke, but please think first before blurting things out about your mate. 

My husband now appreciates that I have noticed and have taken action for his sake.  Whether you agree with it or not, take the  high road and think of others first, including him. 

Patricia - posted on 02/10/2009

Quoting Lori:

I know this is not about kids but I need to know

I have a control issue with my hubby, here is what happened... just tell me what you think... we were sitting at super bowl with a bunch of friends and some people that we did not know and I made a joke that imbarassed him and he bumped the back of my head to remind me of my manners and it really made me mad, other friends went with the joke and everyone laughed... he says that I should not think he is treating me like a kid all the time... what do you think? Was he?

Donna - posted on 02/10/2009

Yes, he was treating you as a child...very disrepectfully too. I agree with Mo's advice. Talk. Good Luck!!!

Nicole - posted on 02/10/2009

i was in a relationship that started similar to that, then rapidly got worse when i fell pregnant. I dont need to tell you my whole story but i understand how difficult it is to leave, even when you have family around you, i didnt want to tell them how bad things really were. Unfortunately i wasnt strong enough to leave permanently so it ended for me when he was arrested using a knife on me trying to kill me and threatening to kill our 2 daughters. That was nearly 10 yrs ago now, i have since married a man that would never even think of raising his hand at me, or any of our kids(there are 5 of them now). Ihad to move interstate when my ex was released from prison but it was thebest move i made. It took so long for my daughter to get over what happened, im just glad she was so young so hopefully there will be no lasting affects from it. I just hope you get out permanently before it gets any worse. Its disgusting that these "men" think they can control other people but we have to take some responsibilty for letting them do it, and in saying that, its our responsibility to get out and live a happy, safe life with our children. Good luck, hope you find a solution that makes you happy :) Oh and i read your comment about feeling guilty taking the kids father away, trust me, sometimes its the best thing you can do for your kids, they need or deserve to grow up in a house full of hostility and anger

MarQuette - posted on 02/10/2009

This sounds like a lot more than a tap on the head at a game. I myself have luckily never been exposed to this type of man or boy should I say (since I don't think it is very manly to treat anyone in this manner) My first advice is to listen to all the women on here that have been in similar situations and as I have read they are way better off now that they got away from that abusive relationship.



Are you going to wait until he turns that abuse on your children? Or the next time he feels a little angry and you are gone, maybe its the kids he pulls that gun on.



I dont have to have lived it to know it is very unhealthy for not only you but your innocent children to live in this kind of relationship.



He is teaching those children on a regular bases that it is okay to treat women like that - and you in turn are teaching your children that it is okay be abused. They watch everything and hear everything!

I agree completly with Kate (above)



As you can see from so many replys there really are good men out there, I've been with mine for 8 years and Yes you have ups and downs, but never in 8 years has my husband ever rasied a hand toward me in any manner other than a loving one. It might take time and even maybe therapy but you'll be able to get over him and find someone who will treat you the way a woman deserves to be treated. Just dont make the same mistake the second time - stop it after the 1st time, not after 13 years of it.



Also there are places out there that help people get away - if you feel treatened or in danger at all look in to it before you leave - I'm sure people on here would help you find info if you decide you need it.



I wish you all the best and much strength and will power if you do go!

May God Bless You

Lynda - posted on 02/10/2009

Ok after reading the whole story YOU& YOUR CHILDREN NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE . No one thinks about this but he has abused all of you & if you do not want long lasting results on your children that cannot be overcome then get out. I have been in that situation as a child growing up & begged my mom to just leave. Believe me even though I love my dad he was not the person that we needed to be in the house with. It will escalate & eventually it will include the childre.  GET OUT BEFORE YOU CANNOT.

Kat - posted on 02/10/2009

i agree with everything kate said. i spent over 6 years in an abusive relationship. unfortunately, it took finding out tat my kids were being hurt too before i did anything about it. get out now! don't be afraid to ask your kids if he's done anything to them, as they may need counselling at some point.



if you need anything: someone to talk to, a place to hide, please let me know.

User - posted on 02/10/2009

I'm picturing a back of the head slap - which is in no way appropriate - especally if he was drinking on top of it. you don't say what specifially embarrassed him about the joke, but even if your joke was at his expence (if so - you should appologies and not do that again.) that is no excuse for being physical. I hope you talk about this and make sure the physical stuff doesn't escalate.

Bethann - posted on 02/10/2009

Please excuse my bluntness but I have to read the post from the beginning and HAVE to say something. I cannot help but feeling that you want others opinion but you are herelooking for reasurance that its okay to stay in this abusive relationship. It is NOT okay to have you DH treat you like that. I am applauded that you are staying in this relationship especially when you are affecting your children. You probaly dont realize it but you are changing your kids dynamics forever!!!! You think they dont see? They do, they know! What they are going to say to you in 10 years from now... why did u stay? What did you allow US to be in that abusive environment? You are just as guilty as he is for damaging your kids by staying in this relationship. You need to be strong and RUN as fast as you can. No counseling - u been there and tried that. YOU ARE ALLOWING HIM TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY. Pack your bags and GO!! There are tons of associations that will help you get away, gosh some of us can even help you with that. We are here to support you and I feel for you, however sometimes it has to be told bluntly. If something happens to your kids its just as much as your fault as his. Its your job as a mom to protect our babies. You need to take action NOW before something worse happens (such as a drunking binge and the gun really used). I am praying for you to gain strength to get through this, and you win. The outcome is YOUR choice, I hope you make the right one.

Silvana - posted on 02/10/2009

unfortunately he probably didnt like what you said so he wanted to embarass you back, so i think if you cant take it, dont give it.

Bethann - posted on 02/10/2009

Please excuse my bluntness but I have to read the post from the beginning and HAVE to say something. I cannot help but feeling that you want others opinion but you are herelooking for reasurance that its okay to stay in this abusive relationship. It is NOT okay to have you DH treat you like that. I am applauded that you are staying in this relationship especially when you are affecting your children. You probaly dont realize it but you are changing your kids dynamics forever!!!! You think they dont see? They do, they know! What they are going to say to you in 10 years from now... why did u stay? What did you allow US to be in that abusive environment? You are just as guilty as he is for damaging your kids by staying in this relationship. You need to be strong and RUN as fast as you can. No counseling - u been there and tried that. YOU ARE ALLOWING HIM TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY. Pack your bags and GO!! There are tons of associations that will help you get away, gosh some of us can even help you with that. We are here to support you and I feel for you, however sometimes it has to be told bluntly. If something happens to your kids its just as much as your fault as his. Its your job as a mom to protect our babies. You need to take action NOW before something worse happens (such as a drunking binge and the gun really used). I am praying for you to gain strength to get through this, and you win. The outcome is YOUR choice, I hope you make the right one.

Amanda - posted on 02/10/2009

It sounds like my husband, he does the same thing sometimes.  But I remind him that I am my own person and that if I want to laugh at something I will laugh at it.

Una - posted on 02/10/2009

yes he is, if my husband had done that he would have got the bowling ball over his head,he was also showing his male friends that he was in charge of the relationship.

Amy - posted on 02/10/2009

Well if you said something that embarrassed him then I could understand his response if my husband said something that embarrassed me I may punch his arm or something like that. I don't think he was meaning to treat you like a child. His reaction was just to you hurting his feelings. But we should never knowingly try to embarrass our loved ones.

Janet - posted on 02/10/2009

Duh...don't let some jack ass bop you on the head...smack him back..the control issue won't go away...trust me I have been doing this for 20 years and am now trying to get out of this relationship.

Rebecca - posted on 02/10/2009

i really think this depends on what the joke was? and how hard the bumopm was? and weather everyone had seen it or if he was discreet?

Lori - posted on 02/10/2009

Quoting Margarita:

I always find that joking about my husband to other people and or in front of him never ever works.It is funny to everyone else but to your husband it is a loyalty issue. I have learned in 10 years that being on the same team is much better makes us get along a lot more.

It was not a joke about him... read the entire thread...

Margarita - posted on 02/10/2009

I always find that joking about my husband to other people and or in front of him never ever works.It is funny to everyone else but to your husband it is a loyalty issue. I have learned in 10 years that being on the same team is much better makes us get along a lot more.

Lori - posted on 02/10/2009

Quoting Heather:

Quoting Janice:

I am blown away after reading this thread from beginning to end. I can't believe that you are posting a question about whether people agree with him bopping you on the head and then later revealing that he has locked you out of the house and put a gun to your head! Who cares about the Superbowl incident, that is nothing compared to that. I really hope that you think of yourself and your children and get yourself as far away from this man as possible. If you want to do marriage counselling and work through your church and hope that he can change, you can do that from a safe place. If you do so, he will not be in a position to control you and his true colors will show pretty quickly. I am speaking from experience after spending many years with a very abusive man. God bless you and your children and please take care of yourself.

  No, this is NOT okay!!  There is NOTHING excusable about him locking you out of the house and (OMG!) holding a GUN on you?  This is not normal, and this is serious.  I would advise you to take the kids and leave- or try to get him to leave and stay w/ his parents.  Can you get them involved?  Or tell someone you trust in your church.   Unless they are crazy, his parents will be shocked to hear their son held a gun on the mother of their grandchildren.  Get help from a women's group? He has some real issues, and you do not want your children to grow up seeing their father treat their mother that way.  I obviously do not know the entire situation, so I won't make a blanket statement telling you to leave him and never look back- but he HAS to have counseling, you need to get someone professional involved to make it clear to the both of you there is something WRONG here.  Please don't tell yourself this is excusable, and he will get better on his own.  At the very least he has crossed a line and owes it to you to do whatever you want him to do in order for you to trust him.  If he is not willing to see how horrifing his behavior is, then you HAVE to find someone to help you. 
Good luck, i know getting help and possibly leaving him is easier said than done, but you do not want to raise your children in this evvironment- teach them to have more respect for themselves than that.

Thank you, we are in counceling, and I am not letting him have his way, it will continue (the counceling) or it will be over, I am prepared for that!

Kate CP - posted on 02/10/2009

Quoting Rebecca:

sometimes in life we have to make the hard choices, because ultimately they are better for us. if you can't make the hard choice to leave someone who pulled a gun on you, then taking the so-called easy option is going to do you long term damage.

if you have stayed with him after that, and now complaining about him "bumping" you, then it seems to me you are trawling for sympathy while not being prepared to take actions to protect yourself.

sorry, but having counselled lots of women before on leaving abusive people and watched them go back time and time again, i have little sympathy for people who play the victim while staying in the situation where they feel victimised.

you mentioned that you have no self-esteem -- presumably he has done a lot of damage to your self esteem. well, its not just your self esteem that's at risk, its also your life and the life of your children.

a shelter may not be an ideal solution in the long term, but in the short term, you need to leave immediately and work towards a longer term solution while you are in a shelter.

until you are totally prepared to leave and stay away, you are still making excuses for the inexcusable, and you are also telling him that its ok every time you accept this behaviour.

it's time for you to stop making excuses.

That was precisely my point.

If CPS finds out about the circumstances under which your children have been living  you could lose your kids. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe your child's conduct disorder could be they are acting out because of what has been happening at home for so long? 

If my husband ever "bopped" me it would take an act of God to keep me from kicking his butt out until he's been through TONS of therapy. If he ever pulled a gun on me I would have divorced his ass and pressed charges. 

Your kids know what's going on and it's not good for them to see or experience. This is a dangerous living environment for both you and your children. If you can't, or won't, leave for yourself, then send the kids away where it's safe. This is no way for a child to live.

Tracy - posted on 02/10/2009

"it is time to rethink this relationship....he had no problem displaying it in public..this may only escalate in private...control is control...it is not a joke!"

Rebecca - posted on 02/10/2009

sometimes in life we have to make the hard choices, because ultimately they are better for us. if you can't make the hard choice to leave someone who pulled a gun on you, then taking the so-called easy option is going to do you long term damage.

if you have stayed with him after that, and now complaining about him "bumping" you, then it seems to me you are trawling for sympathy while not being prepared to take actions to protect yourself.

sorry, but having counselled lots of women before on leaving abusive people and watched them go back time and time again, i have little sympathy for people who play the victim while staying in the situation where they feel victimised.

you mentioned that you have no self-esteem -- presumably he has done a lot of damage to your self esteem. well, its not just your self esteem that's at risk, its also your life and the life of your children.

a shelter may not be an ideal solution in the long term, but in the short term, you need to leave immediately and work towards a longer term solution while you are in a shelter.

until you are totally prepared to leave and stay away, you are still making excuses for the inexcusable, and you are also telling him that its ok every time you accept this behaviour.

it's time for you to stop making excuses.

Heather - posted on 02/10/2009

Quoting Janice:

I am blown away after reading this thread from beginning to end. I can't believe that you are posting a question about whether people agree with him bopping you on the head and then later revealing that he has locked you out of the house and put a gun to your head! Who cares about the Superbowl incident, that is nothing compared to that. I really hope that you think of yourself and your children and get yourself as far away from this man as possible. If you want to do marriage counselling and work through your church and hope that he can change, you can do that from a safe place. If you do so, he will not be in a position to control you and his true colors will show pretty quickly. I am speaking from experience after spending many years with a very abusive man. God bless you and your children and please take care of yourself.

  No, this is NOT okay!!  There is NOTHING excusable about him locking you out of the house and (OMG!) holding a GUN on you?  This is not normal, and this is serious.  I would advise you to take the kids and leave- or try to get him to leave and stay w/ his parents.  Can you get them involved?  Or tell someone you trust in your church.   Unless they are crazy, his parents will be shocked to hear their son held a gun on the mother of their grandchildren.  Get help from a women's group? He has some real issues, and you do not want your children to grow up seeing their father treat their mother that way.  I obviously do not know the entire situation, so I won't make a blanket statement telling you to leave him and never look back- but he HAS to have counseling, you need to get someone professional involved to make it clear to the both of you there is something WRONG here.  Please don't tell yourself this is excusable, and he will get better on his own.  At the very least he has crossed a line and owes it to you to do whatever you want him to do in order for you to trust him.  If he is not willing to see how horrifing his behavior is, then you HAVE to find someone to help you. 
Good luck, i know getting help and possibly leaving him is easier said than done, but you do not want to raise your children in this evvironment- teach them to have more respect for themselves than that.

Kristen - posted on 02/10/2009

I've had a few "oops, maybe that wasn't what I should have said moments"...I would talk to him and apologize if that upset him and explain that was not at all your intent but then ask kindly not to embarass you back by  "bumping"  you.  It is always best to do those things in private.  Just a thought..you are not the first.  Men want to be respected in ALL ways and women just want to be Loved in Every way.  It just takes time and patients to figure out what they want respect in and how to love us. 

Jennifer - posted on 02/10/2009

Sounds like he does have control issues!  I would have taken that "bump" as him trying to get you to behave...don't people do that to dogs, when they misbehave??  It seems like he's trying to show you and everyone else in the room, that you should obey him and his every whim.  Talk about it now!!  GOOD LUCK!

Thyra - posted on 02/10/2009

Sounds like tit for tat. .  . don't embarass him and he won't *bump* you. .  .?

Thyra - posted on 02/10/2009

Sounds like tit for tat. .  . don't embarass him and he won't *bump* you. .  .?

Rebecca - posted on 02/10/2009

if my husband did this to me i would insist on marital counselling because hitting someone on the back of the head and them calling them "over-sensitive" sounds like he has got some serious issues in his relationship with you.

Dianna - posted on 02/10/2009

i would tell him to have a sense of humor cause life is to short if you can not have fun,but if the remark hurt his feelings then he should maybe talk to the other people about what happened...but that does not give him the right at all to hit you.hope this helps you

Dianna - posted on 02/10/2009

i would tell him to have a sense of humor cause life is to short if you can not have fun,but if the remark hurt his feelings then he should maybe talk to the other people about what happened...but that does not give him the right at all to hit you.hope this helps you