I'm 22, i got pregnant I don't know what to do.

Katie - posted on 02/16/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I'm 22 and got pregnant. My mom is really mad. Told me I shattered her dreams, that I won't be able to help her financially and my brother for his college. I was raised by my mom to somehow depend on her a lot in deciding on things. Now, she thinks I can't handle the situation I am in. My boyfriend( 5 years older than I am) wanted us to live together and go through this together. My mom doesn't like the idea and thinks negatively of my boyfriends plan. said that it's me and my boyfriend's pride talking. Well, I'm telling you it's not. I can't live in our house when my everyday is the same thing, my mom having to talk loudly about getting tired of everything and telling us she'll do certain things just to get money. My sister doesn't even talk to me. I work as a sales representative and have to travel everyday. I plan to resign I'm not yet regular for the job, I have a substitute job which is an online english tutor that makes me work and just stay at home. My mom, thinks badly of my plan. (even if I already told her that I will be earning more than what I am earning right now)

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Jacqueline - posted on 02/17/2013

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You are clearly caught between cultures. The issue here is that at 22, with a real job and your own income, you are perfectly ready and old enough to make your own decisions.

On one side, you want to respect the traditional family values and Philipino culture, of course! You love your family and you want to help out your brother.

However, on the other side, you are a fully grown intelligent independent woman who is willing and able to embrace many of the responsibilities placed before you, including motherhood. It sounds as though your boyfriend is supportive as well.

Live your life. Have your baby. Move in with your boyfriend since clearly he means a lot to you and you to him. (You may want to go ahead and get married) That's probably what your mother is upset about--that you didn't get married first.

Your boyfriend and you can figure out a way to help your brother, if necessary. It may not be a free ride for your brother but who gets a free ride to college? He can go to a public state university, he can use his financial aid, he can apply for scholarships.

This is not a problem. Your mother's attitude is the problem.

Congratulations!

Lucy - posted on 02/19/2013

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Sounds to me that, although your baby may not have been planned, you have thought things through pretty well and found a way to make things work- now you just have to tell you Mum you're going to do it!

At 5 years older than you I assume your boyfriend is working, and it's great that he is supportive and prepared for you to live together. I also think it's very sensible that you've found yourself a job that you can do from home once the baby arrives so child care won't be an expense you'll have to consider. It is clear that your Mum's concerns are less about her worrying that you're not able to be independent and more about the fact that you already are, and that wasn't part of her plan.

Whilst it would show loyalty and gratitude to your Mum for all she has done for you to help your brother with school, you can only do so much. Do what you can, but don't feel entirely responsible. Your brother is quite capable of working his way through school, and I hope he understands that you have other responsibilities and any help you do give him should be gratefully appreciated.

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Angela - posted on 02/19/2013

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I feel you should move in with your child's father and build your future together to raise your child. You're not a teenager - you have a job and earnings! And despite cultural "norms" and family expectations, your first duty is towards the child you're expecting - your OWN child! It would probably be helpful to you and your partner to get married as well.

Help your brother if you are able to, but you're NOT obliged to. And your mother needs to realise that you are an adult in your own right. She says your perfectly feasible plan to move in with your man and raise your child together is your "pride talking" - well what's wrong with that? Isn't it desirable and sensible for the child's parents to make a family home now that they're going to be a family?

There are such things as boundaries in relationships - your mother is overstepping hers. You need to deal with this and make it clear every time she crosses a line.

Good luck!

Katie - posted on 02/18/2013

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thanks for that :) I will be talking to her as soon as she gets back from the supermarket. I plan to tell my dad first though. Thanks a lot!

Katie - posted on 02/17/2013

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-Hmm first, i did not chose to get pregnant. accident. :(
-I just came back our home from my own apartment since my mom asked me to live with them again.
-Philippines set up. Usually older siblings send younger sibs to school. My mom, I think, she is expecting me to get the financial burden from her.
-And my brother doesn't work. Not a usual thing here, children usually depend on their parents even when they get older.
-My sister is not talking to me, i don't know why. She's a little like my mother.
-online teaching, compared to my current job, yes, it does give financial security and somewhat permanency. I'm actually planning to look for a job after giving birth so as to use my college degree, i wasted my youth, I don't want to waste what I worked for during college.
-And yes your last paragraph is true except that I'll just be supporting my brother, I still have a year to prepare for his college studies.

Liz - posted on 02/17/2013

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May I ask, without wishing to appear in any way rude, why you chose to get pregnant right now in these circumstances?

Are you planning on raising the baby while still living in your mom's home and, apparently, being expected to pay for your mom and your brother's needs from your paycheck as well as for your child?

Why does your mother need you to help her financially?

Does your brother work to save money for his own college aspirations?

Why is your sister not talking to you?

Does the online English tutor job have permanency and offer a consistent number of hours, sufficient to give you financial security?

Honestly, it seems to me that if you are planning on keeping this child, that you need to find your own place and support yourselves. It's going to be tough enough to do that between you and your boyfriend, without any expectation that you'll somehow be supporting all the rest of your family as well.

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