I'm just curious... What is it with parents these days?

Laura - posted on 03/24/2013

When my kids left home (2 for college, 1 for military) they were fully "prepared to launch". Now that all 3 are parents they have all come back to say that now they understand why we did what we did when they were growing up. We are "old school" parents. 1 daughter started out as "new age", but her son was so out of his own control by age 5 she had to completely rework the boundaries. He's doing much better now, but its a tough learning curve for him. My daughter in law is also new age, and is a bit slower to catch on. Her older son is extremely intelligent at 6, but has some sensory issues that require some special attention.....I have no trouble with him when he's with me, but she has trouble enforcing things like homework; he plays her like a fine fiddle. Her younger two kids are different personalities and don't pack the same kind of drama. Her voice carries no authority so the kid doesn't listen. My voice is firm (not mean), so he knows I mean business and not maybe so is reasonably cooperative.

I never cared whether my kids "liked" me. One daughter once said "I wish you were more like So-andSo's mom, she's more like a friend"....My response was "You have enough friends, we'll be buddies some other time....right now you need a Mom".

Stephanie - posted on 03/19/2013

I'm with you! I have two boys 18 and almost 15. My 18 yr old still has to all to leave the house, I don't care if he's legally an adult, he also had a curfew. I'm not a helicopter patent because they do need to make done if their own decisions, but I do expect respect! And as a parent I believe there are times my kids won't like me, my rules or my decisions but that is parenting. If my kids always like me I'm doing something wrong!

Jacki - posted on 02/13/2013

I have no idea why this is but I strongly agree with you. Certainly won't be giving much options. I was brought up to appreciate what I was given or it was taken away... Like it or lump it and I chose to like outta those two rarely given options.
I've noticed children are far too spoilt and it does start to cause social problems in my opinion.

Crystal - posted on 02/11/2013

I believe children need to learn respect, respect for what their parents expect from them as well as in general and for others.

If your kid looks like an orphan and is in desperate need of a hair cut, whether he/she likes it or not it's time for a haircut. Sorry but at 4,5 6 and sometimes older, they may be capable of making decisions as to what they would and wouldn't like to do, but that doesn't mean as parents we should always hand over the reins. We need to show them appropriate behavior. My mother OFTEN said 'you're not coming out with me looking like that' because at that age I was STILL a direct reflection of her. She wasn't taking my freedoms away, but giving me limits. No I couldn't go out in my gymnastics tights in the middle of winter to go skating etc. Whether I wanted to or not.

There are certain things as parents we can be flexible on, and should be. To help teach our little people the importance in making our own decisions and what doing so holds for us. That being said, we're still responsible for them. I don't know about the rest of you, but I wouldn't want my child looking like a street bum b/c she never wanted her hair cut or brushed. Appearance is importance later in life, it's yet another lesson. Maybe not the most important thing, but certainly your boss may make a comment if you decided to dress the way some kids would choose to dress themselves if given the chance.

That being said, I -do- agree that many children and young teens these days have obviously gotten away with bloody murder and not given many or near enough limits. Lessons were not given, empathy was not shown.

I'm only 30, my daughter is only 2.5. I've already given her a few smacks. I was raised having respect for my parents, not fear of them, but fear of the repercussions my actions would bring should I act out in such a way deserving of a slap. To this day I hold my mother (the boss) in the highest of esteem. She is by far the strongest, and smartest woman I know. There could not have been a better woman I was born to. Our relationship is wonderful, we're casual, I can joke around with her as if she were a gf because I'm a grown woman myself and have respect for her.

Give them too much and they don't learn limitations and what they mean. Give them too little and you yourself limit their development and possible growth.

Angie - posted on 02/10/2013

I love your post you are so right. There is NO respect for parents anymore with Alot of children & way too many choices. Also if I see one more child standing in a shopping cart while the moms off wandering around I will throw up. I already saw a kid fall out and hit his head the parents blamed him!
Also this bulling stuff at school is getting worse these kids need to learn rules, respect others and know whats right and wrong.
This world has changed so much since we were kids and not for the better.

Chaya - posted on 02/09/2013

I can't speak for anyone else, but I tend to agree with you. I have found that children who aren't expected to respect their elders tend to be unhappy in general because they need boundaries.
There is a child I know who is the nephew of a pastor of a church I once attended. The child at age 8, treated girls horribly, refused to respect adults, and refused to participate in sunday school. Past experience has told me that this child will or has ended up in jail or prison because he's not expected to follow the rules.

Deirdre - posted on 02/09/2013

Totally agree! Amen

Cecilia - posted on 01/15/2013

Wow you have active kids. I know my kids wouldn't want to do it. but the point was you wouldn't make your child do such a thing unless you had no other choice.

My kids sometimes don't do to great in school. 2 of them are legally blind. I do expect them to keep up and not allow them to use it as an "excuse" Let me explain, they have IEP's which allow extra test time, they have numerous pieces of equipment to make it a fair playing ground. If a teacher does not enlarge their homework for them, i do it at home. (although they have equipment here too and thus not really needed)

when they do drop in grades i ask them why? where do they need help. what can I do to help them? Sometimes by allowing them some say they will surprise you that it is something simple. My daughter wanted to sit closer to the front in math. Her equipment is in the back of the room but she felt like she was falling behind constantly using it to see the board. I called the teacher, she moved her to the front without equipment. Her grades improved. If i would have been the mother who says "your grades suck, do better" then she wouldn't be doing any better.

I do wonder though if someone put these high standards on her as an adult, would she see it different? I know i don't expect my husband to be perfect. If i did we would end up divorced very quickly. Why would i expect my children to be perfect when i can't expect it out of an adult? Love is about working together. I know i wouldn't want my husband to expect me to be perfect.

Shawnn - posted on 01/15/2013

Quoting Cecilia: "Don't you remember the stories from grandparents telling us they walked 40 miles to school, walking barefoot in the snow up a hill both ways? Would you make your kid walk to school even 3 miles?"***

Um, yeah, I got those BS stories, and actually believed them until I was about 8, when I could put together "Here's where they lived, here was where the school was, and it ain't no 40 miles between" (however, the uphill both ways was the truth for one, as they lived at the top of a hill, walked down that and up another to get to school, so the reverse still ended as an uphill trek...LOL)

And, yes, my sons regularly walked or biked to school when they were in middle school and older, and school (doorstep to front door) was 5.3 miles each way. Did I force them? Nope, was their choice to walk!

But the OP's idea of total control is just crazy. I wasn't given "choices", per se, growing up, but I was given input in decisions. She states that she "didn't have a choice about getting decent grades, she was expected to". So, what, none of us EXPECT our kids to do well? Not true. However, it's been shown often throughout the last 40 years or more that not every child does well at everything, and demanding perfect grades, or perfect behaviour is not realistic.

What would the OP (and other authoritarian parents) do if they found out one of their children were developmentally delayed, thus making "decent grades" (and I'm reading "decent" to mean As or Bs here) not as easily achievable? Will they then punish said delayed child for NOT being able to do that?

It just seems that the OP's view is slightly skewed based on her perception of her current spouse and his ex, whom she is judging as being "too permissive".

FoxyMom - posted on 01/14/2013

I agree kids need to be kids but I also agree that there is an expectation of behavior according to age and that they should be held accountable if they get slack. I let something's slide depending on the severity. Things I don't let slide are rudeness, bullying, lying, and disrespectful behavior. I feel that by having that level of expectation we are setting our children up for a positive future.

Cecilia - posted on 01/14/2013

Richele my daughter now has streaks of blue in her hair.. also not in love with it... but it's how she is choosing to express herself.

My son has an unruly afro which i would love to cut down into a nice fade... but it is his hair and he likes it.

my toddler also love pink and sparkles, not too fond of pink.. I let her wear it :)

We're such horrible mothers and should re-evaluate our choices in life. After all according to some we're raising the next uni-bombers!!! (yes i know no one said it, but i know certain someones will think so) If nothing else they will be knocking old people out of the way and running them over with skateboards. Somehow hair has something to do with respecting elders also.

Cecilia - posted on 01/14/2013

you're right, i fixed it. It took mea minute then i realized when i reread what i wrote. Thanks for pointing it out. Would have confused people.

Jodi - posted on 01/14/2013

Actually, Cecilia, authoritarian parents are the strict autocratic, my way or the highway parents. I think you may mean "authoritative", which is a more democratic form of parenting.

You may be interested in reading a book called "Too Safe for their Own Good". It is a book that discusses the issues with very controlled childhoods and strict parents who don't allow their children to take risks, as well as how we, as parents, can foster our children's need for risk-taking behaviour in a calculated and positive way.

Cecilia - posted on 01/14/2013

Found a link that describes the different parenting types.

http://voices.yahoo.com/authoritative-au...

Mind you, what may seem like permissive parents on here... you only see the one statement on the forum. This does not give you the full picture of what type of parent they are. Just wanted you to see that "being the boss" and not caring what your child thinks or feels isn't seen as a good parenting style, and is IMO worse than a submissive parent.

Cecilia - posted on 01/14/2013

The truth is, I do think parenting styles do change through generations. Don't you remember the stories from grandparents telling us they walked 40 miles to school, walking barefoot in the snow up a hill both ways? Would you make your kid walk to school even 3 miles? nope you wouldn't. The world changes. The more we learn about children and psychology the more we adjust to what we've learned about children.

Before the Victorian Era, they thought children thought like adults and thus expected them to act as adults, including working. The Christmas you know and love is because of this very change of ideas. Families became more family oriented and Christmas just the same. (not exactly what i was looking for but it gives a general idea -- http://ezinearticles.com/?Origin-of-Gift...)

Now with all of that said, We are learning about children more and more each day. Studies show that children who have very strict parents ( the examples you give) are very unhappy and have many issues later in life. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-to... there is also a link to why permissive parenting is bad. Most parents i do know try to be more of a authoritative Parent. This means to find a balance between the two.

So in my opinion, not being strict does not mean you are not doing what you think is best for the child. Everyone does what they think is best for their child.

Jodi - posted on 01/11/2013

Attacked it? Disagreed, yes, but attacked? Are you serious?

And if you are getting upset about stuff you are reading on the internet, you need to back away from the keyboard.

Jennifer - posted on 01/11/2013

To this conversation, no I do not. The original post was bait and the rest of you attacked it like starving wolves. Ive posted helpful comments to posts that were genuine concerns and not rants. I came here looking for women to lend helpful perspective and after reading this thread found myself very upset. I love that next to post it says powered by respect but so many choose to ignore, by love it I mean feel the need to vomit. I clearly chose the wrong site, this is a site for women to cat fight, lord their experience or lack there of and try to boost their wilting egos. There are women on here who are sincerely seeking advice...try not to damage them in your quest for web domination or whatever it is you've convinced yourselves you're doing with your time. As for me, I shall go back to consulting text books and family.

Jodi - posted on 01/10/2013

"Pull yourselves together ladies! If you feel one persons view was too extreme, then how is it helpful to throw an equally extreme view at them knowing full well it is at the other end of the spectrum?"

It's called debating. If someone throws a view out there in a public forum, it is open for debate. It's helpful because it brings a different perspective to the equation. No-one should ever post in a public forum expecting their view to be agreed upon by everyone, particularly if it is controversial. Who's being catty? I don't see you having anything constructive to add to the conversation. Just sayin'....

Shawnn - posted on 01/10/2013

Brandy, while I somewhat agree with you, I must point out: Judge not lest ye be judged...

And don't assume that because you've done everything "right" (in your book, up to this point) that your daughters will never act like little monsters once they hit their teens.

How about you wait a few (say 7 or so) years before revisiting your judgement of "parents these days"? Then, once you're wondering why your angels are behaving like devils, because you did everything that you could not to have them act that way...Maybe you'll see these ladies points.

And, Jennifer Griffin, if you read posts that are not meant to be inflammatory, you'll not find the sniping. When people post something like this, basically blaming "parents today" for all that is wrong with children, those of us who do all we can to raise good human beings tend to get our backs up. We don't appreciate being lumped in with the few parents out there that don't understand, and we don't appreciate someone lumping all children into the same "bad kid" box...all children but their own, that is.

Jennifer - posted on 01/10/2013

I joined this site looking for helpful feedback. Far too often I find catty behavior where grown women behave like children, bicker back and forth and might as well pull each others hair. Pull yourselves together ladies! If you feel one persons view was too extreme, then how is it helpful to throw an equally extreme view at them knowing full well it is at the other end of the spectrum? Parenting shouldn't be politics. We need to support each other, create an environment where we can lean on one another. Please

FoxyMom - posted on 01/10/2013

I agree with most things on here. When I as growing up my parents had friends who's kids were a holly terror and I knew that when I had kids they were not going down that path. I did not want to be the parents nobody wanted to invite over becuase my kids were disrespectful brats that were used to getting what they wanted.

I gave my son age approoate choices. Instead of what do you want for dinner, I decided the main course and let him help with the sides like - do you want green beans tonight or brocc and cheese? I knew people who would say "my son only eats chicken nuggets and cheese". Well that's because the kid has trained them to get what they want. They would pitch a fit and refuse to eat unless they got exactly that. Those people would basicly fix two dinners. I fix one meal. I don't expect my son to eat everything but there is no way he dislikes the whole meal. He won't starve.

My ex brother in laws kids were horrible, whiney children. They were never punished for anything because they were "expressing themselves". Im sorry but pulling cushions off the couch to bounce on them while at someone elses house is not expressing themselves, it's being disrespectful to someone elses property. I know every kid is different, some have legit problems but a lot of times peple just give in to their kids to keep them quite or because they don't want them to be unhappy or hate them. Life is full of disappointments. If they want a toy and you say no it's teaching them how to deal with rejection.

Richele - posted on 01/09/2013

My 16 year old just dyed her hair I LOVE LUCY red. Do I love it? Nope don't even really like it. I figure it's her hair though. :) If that's the worst thing she does this month I can deal with it ! Oh and my 10 year old son also has a mohawk. Also his choice.

Sheri - posted on 01/09/2013

OK I am with you on this one Brandi. You should have a level of expectation for your children. It needs to be appropriate for their age and ability, but we need to make them accountable for actions. If your child has Autism you should still expect behavior that is at the functioning level of your child. This is how your child with thrive. All experts will tell you it is possible. But if your child is 'normal' (whatever that may be) than we need to raise our standards of behavior. I do not think that today's children over the age of 10 have a proper understanding of how to treat the elderly. They do not seem to understand that people in their 60's and over do not know everything there is about technology. They take for granted the fact that cell phones are attached to their hands with the answers to everything. My daughter has been raised to sit and listen, truely listen, to the stories of her elders. As a young child I took her to nursing homes to visit the Grandmas and Grandpas that had far away families. She is 17 now. I have seen her reprimand other teen for their bad behavior towards elderly. Also I do not ask if my children want to do something I tell them what they must do. If there is a choice in something, then I will ask. You do not ask a toddler if they want a diaper change, but you can ask if they need a diaper change. You do not ask a teenager if they want something, but if they need. And by the time they are a teenager you should have taught them the difference.

Jodi - posted on 01/06/2013

Well, you DID title your post "What is it with parents these days?".

Brandi, I assume you have raised your children to adulthood? While I get what you are trying to say, parenting is not as easy as you are making it out to be. I do think you should be REALLY careful judging people who ask for help (i.,e. why is my teenager speaking to me disrespectfully and can you help me), because these are COMMON problems faced by ALL parents (yes, even the good ones). I really hope, in throwing it out there, you have already raised yours fully.

Lacye - posted on 01/06/2013

I stand corrected. I could not find where you said all of them deserved to be spanked. I misread. However, you do need to be more specific about what children you are talking about.

Brandi - posted on 01/06/2013

Then it's not just parents today. Parents who did not do what's best for their kids years ago should have. Maybe if my husband's mother would have expected him to show respect then he would teach his child to be more respectful. Maybe if her grandmother would have taught her mother better then her mom would not let her do the things she does. My parents taught me to respect my elders, therefore, my kids have been taught the same things. It started somewhere and if people don't teach their children then it's not gonna get any better. You can't not teach your child to show respect to people and then wonder why they don't. If your kids are good and respectful then I'm not referring to you.

Lacye - posted on 01/06/2013

Jodi, makes a great point. Parents have been saying the same thing through out history. This attitude or "bad kids" is not something new. There has not been a sudden rise of disrespectful brats. Children have been acting like this for longer than any of us have been on this earth.

And if you understand sooooo much better than I do about how kids act, then please, explain to us simple minded individuals about how this has all of a sudden become something new. Just because you grew up with authoritarian parents, does not mean the rest of the world was.

Oh and before I forget, you did make a comment about bratty kids needing to be spanked and as soon as I find it, I'll repost it for you.

Jodi - posted on 01/06/2013

" I am not talking about the normal every day kid who may not jump and clean their room as soon as the parent says to "

So if this is the case, and you aren't talking about "normal every day kids" (read, the average kid), why are you blaming "parents these days" when I have CLEARLY made the point that there have been parents like this, and kids like this, right throughout history. So far you have totally ignored that particular point.

Brandi - posted on 01/06/2013

Actually Lacye, I never said "all of these children need to be spanked for acting up." What I said was parents should not be their child's friend rather than their parents and they should teach them right from wrong and how to respect people. That does not mean beat your kids. And I understand a lot better than you think about the "bad kids" throwing a fit. My middle and oldest daughters were both sexually abused. Because of this, my middle daughter had a lot of anger issues. The preschool she went to rated fits from 1 to Laynie Grayce. She would not wear panties and would try to hurt herself if something set her off. It got to the point that I did have her tested for autism. So while you are accusing me of not understanding the whole situation, I think you are misunderstanding my point. I do understand that there are kids with problems. And those kids are not the ones I am referring to...and I am sorry if I neglected to be more specific. I am referring to kids who tell their parents to shut up and nothing happens - just an example. Or kids like my step daughter who says that they are going to continue to make the step parent's life miserable until he/she leaves and the parents do nothing about it. I am also talking about the kids who bully their sibling who are 5 years younger just because they can and the parents do nothing about it. I am not talking about the normal every day kid who may not jump and clean their room as soon as the parent says to -- mine don't listen that well either. And I am not talking about the kids with real understandable reasons for acting the way they do.

Jodi - posted on 01/06/2013

Not to mention, I clearly made the point that there have always been kids like this right throughout history.

Lacye - posted on 01/06/2013

My point is, she's saying all of these children should be spanked for "acting up". How would she know which child had something wrong with them or they were just acting like a brat? She doesn't, so she can't very well say that these kids need to be spanked when she doesn't understand the whole situation. Instead of worrying about what other people are doing with their kids, the OP needs to worry about her own kids and her own business.

Evelyn - posted on 01/06/2013

Lacye~~In your case you have to do what you need to do with your child. For the most part, what I see is that a child starts asking for something or that toy or to go eat at say MCD's. When their parents tell them no, they throw a fit. I will see it from beginning to end. The parents finally just give in and take them or give them the toy. And the one time my son tossed a fit in the store and I walked him out I still got dirty looks and this was before he was tested for Autism. He just did not like it I had said no. And my daughter at two gave a kid a dirty look whom we saw from start to finish go nuts about a toy. He actually stopped crying and yelling and looked at her.

No people do not get that it may be the kid who is doing the fit because they get a way with it or if there is something else going on. But they do think the parent is not doing what they should to make the child or children mind. But there are a lot of people that do let their kids have their way to shush them.

Lacye - posted on 01/06/2013

Ok. I have a question and I want you to really think about what I'm saying.

My daughter is considered a "bad kid" in public because yes she is prone to throwing temper tantrums and does the whole screaming hissy fit thing. If I try to walk away from it, she will run in the other direction and will get lost in the store. So yes I do try to keep her as calm as possible. I don't always allow her to get her way but for the most part, I try to keep her stress level down in order not to disturb other shoppers. But what you are saying is if my child is throwing a fit, I should spank her instead of trying to find a more peaceful way of dealing with what is wrong with her.

I don't think so. Here's the thing that some people don't get..... you don't know that child. You don't know if it is the parent's fault that the child acts this way or if it could possibly be another reason. As in the case of my daughter, she is autistic. It's a mild case but still there. She has melt downs because she doesn't understand how to deal with some things.

This is what drives me crazy. You don't know if the child is just a brat or if there is something wrong with the child. People like you don't care. You just think that if a child is "acting up" that the child should be spanked. That is not always the case. So next time you see these posts on here, you might want to think to yourself that maybe there might be something more to this particular child than what the mother is saying. Or if you see a child throwing a fit in the store, maybe there is more here than meets the eye. Either way, it's not your place to judge these people for the situations that you don't completely understand.

Ariana - posted on 01/06/2013

On one hand I understand what you're saying. Like one time I saw this mom ask her toddler, 'do you want to get a diaper change??' seriously? I get what you mean by kids not being given to many choices for every little thing, or throwing a tantrum and getting what they want. It's ridiculous!

On the other hand I don't believe forcing your kids to do everything, or thinking that a kid is going to jump the moment you speak. My son is what I'd call a 'strong-willed' child and if I tried that technique we'd both be having power struggles and be upset continuously. Does that mean I let my child do whatever he wants? Can he throw a fit for something and get it? No. But I do try to give him options when I can, I try to teach him the right way to act instead of just punishing him. I've worked hard to make sure he knows to listen but I don't need to hit him or yell at him to get him to do it.

There is nothing wrong with giving kids choices and treating them like little people. There's nothing wrong with making compromises if the situation allows for it. If I ask my kid to clean up his toys and he asks to leave a special toy out, or leave these three toys out, should I say NO you must clean all of these up, the way you make it sound that's how I should do it. Could I? Of course I could, and he'd throw a fit and scream and have to clean it all up OR I could compromise and say ok you can keep those out for now as long as everything else is cleaned up.

To me there's a hierchy, there are things I don't care about that he can choose, I don't care what toy he wants to play with or what colour pj's he wants to wear, I don't care if he eats the food I make (although that's all I'm making). It's not a big deal. Then there are things I can compromise for, I can let him keep out a couple toys, I give him 5 minute warnings before I leave somewhere, we can read 5 books before bed instead of 3. Then there's non negotiables, you can't run in the road, we don't yell in a restaurant, we don't hit, etc.

The other thing is we live in a different world. Yeah, I know, everybody says that, but it's true. Our society is geared to be selfish, to think of ourselves. Adults are concerned with being on facebook and playing videogames and connecting with other people through texting, we've very me me and who can I talk to and be social with etc. So it tinkers down to teenagers, which tinkers down to kids, who are all about me and my friends. People don't sit down at the dinner table anymore, we spend less time as a family, kids are around their peers more than their parents. Society is changing, teenagers are in their own little worlds even more now than before, and as parents we have to work even harder to try and keep our children connected to us.

We have a society that doesn't show respect to adults, where children look to other peers to know what to do rather than the other adults, whether it's teachers, parents, coaches, the kids don't care as much as before. Partly because the adults don't care and the adults aren't involved with the kids. So even for those who do try to set limits and be treated with respect they've got kids spending most the day with their peers who they see acting a certain way and not respecting the adults around them. By the time they're teens they see everyone around them saying screw my parents and acting how they want. And WE let them.

We allow 12 year olds to have cell phones and facebook for pete sake and nobody sees a problem with it.

Anyway I still think there needs to be balance, we're trying to create intelligent, productive members of society, not mindless drones who do what you say when you say 'cause you said it. You want your kid to be able to think for themselves not follow whoever's in authority without question. Plus not all kids are the same. I was the type of child who would pretty much do whatever I was told just because someone lowered their voice, whereas my sibling was NOT like that at all. Not every child is the same or can be parented the same way.

Mary - posted on 01/06/2013

I have many of the same concerns. I hear ya. You can do something about it. Teach your kids to lead by example and have compassion for others. When my teenage boys were young and starting out in school I told them many times...what you do reflects on me. I told them if you're cooperative and respectful, I look good. If you're mean and pick on someone, I look bad. I likewise told them everything I do reflects on them. I told them often "don't embarrass me". I try not to embarrass them. Teaching children that they have a responsibility to their family to behave well fills them with a sense of pride. (And in my 18 year old son's case leads to *much needed* college scholarship money.) Responsibility is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids. People like to be mavericks sometimes in raising their kids. I live in Arizona. There is very much a wild west "you can't tell me what to do" mentality that is reflected in many kids as well as adults. But there are also good hardworking people trying as hard as they can to raise responsible and respectful children. Don't let a few bad apples get you down. Pick a set of core values that reflect what is important to you and make sure your kids learn to appreciate them.

A lot of people feel the way you do. There is a George Carlin skit, one of his most famous, that says almost exactly what you're saying. Part of you misses the good old days. I was raised by a Marine and a Japanese lady in the south. I know all about strict and old school. In our day strict meant love. A lot of us miss that love!

Brandi - posted on 01/06/2013

You're right Jodi. My posts was because of my husband and his ex wife and my step child. However, there are lots of kids that act just like my step daughter and everybody wants to cry about it saying "I don't know why my kids wont listen". That's exactly why they are out of control...nobody ever made them listen.

Brandi - posted on 01/06/2013

Touchy touchy. There's no need for the language. What happened to not being judgmental? I never said that letting kids make some choices was bad. My kids get to choose what is for supper, what they wear, and now that they are older how to cut their hair. I also never said that beating a child was acceptable. I am not talking about kids being made to wear certain dresses or eat certain foods. My original post was about (like my mom, my husband, and his ex wife) letting kids do things that they should not do because they wanted to be the child's friend rather than the parent. I am talking about kids who are out of control. Kids who tell their parents "I'm not going to listen and there's nothing you can do about it". If a child is not taught to respect people as young kids that's how they end up. My step daughter was always allowed to speak to adults or anybody for that matter however she wanted and now nobody knows why she acts the way she does. She was never corrected for lying and nobody knows why she lies all the time. My point was not about kids who are respectful and listen...my point was for kids like my step daughter whose parents don't make her listen.

Jodi - posted on 01/06/2013

"Parents now (like my husband and his ex wife) are more interested in keeping the child happy than doing what's best for them."

I think this is more a rant about your husband and his ex catering to your step-child and you are upset about that because somehow that is affecting you in a negative way, and you are not getting anywhere with resolving that issue.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/06/2013

Well, using your example of cutting the hair....if my kid does not want his/her hair cut why the fuck would I force them to? So they look the way I specifically want them, and not let them wear their hair the way they want? Why? Whats the point? It is their hair! Who cares?

My kids listen to me without me hitting them. Yes there is a lot wrong with having to control your child with threats of violence. There is something wrong with your child knowing that if they don't listen they are gonna get hit.

All kids have their bad days, hell all adults do too. How would you like to be hit for doing something wrong at work? Or at the grocery store? What would I have done if my child wouldn't sit in the seat? Taken her out. Had her walk with me. Or put her sitting in the large basket with some toys or a snack. Those seats are uncomfortable, of course they don't want to sit there. Then, you go to a store with all this fun stuff to look at, and you expect them to not want to get out and see? What I get from parents like you, you clearly forget what it was like to be a kid and be ruled with an iron fist. I don't want to raise my kids like that. You do, that is your prerogative. And this doesn't mean my kids are unruly, this doesn't mean I don't discipline. This doesn't mean they get to make adult decisions, but often they can be part of it IF it is something that is reasonable. Get it?

Jodi - posted on 01/05/2013

Brandi,. here's the thing....there were parents like that "back in the day" too. EVERY generation has people who parented like that.

Internet forum questions do not represent the majority. It actually represents the people who need help with their kids. Parents like that existed in the 70s and 80s too. I know, I saw it amongst some of my friends parents. The difference is, the internet didn't exist back then. Why do you think the 1960s, 70s and 80s brought about a whole new business of writing parenting books for various parenting styles? Because parents didn't know everything. Well, nowadays, mothers just come to internet forums for advice instead of turning to books.

They also believed in a good old-fashioned beating and ruling through fear "back in the day". Do you believe in that too? There are many more effective ways to get results.

And with regard to punishing for bad grades instead of rewarding for good....research by child psychologists shows that rewards are much more effective than punishments. Rewards don't need to mean money. But straight out punishments are not nearly as effective long-term.

Giving children choices and some say in outcomes is also not about poor parenting. It just happens to be against the "children should be seen and not heard" philosophy of days gone by. Children are human beings and should be treated as such. Giving them the ability to make choices about some things early in life can help them be confident in making good choices later on in life. Asking your daughter which dress she would like to wear, this one or this one, to me, is a way of giving some level of independence. Telling your daughter that she will wear this dress is a dictatorship, and I don't see it as necessary.

Giving children some choices in life is also a way of allowing them to express an opinion, and is important to developing critical thinking skills. Once upon a time, in education, we taught information and knowledge, but these days, with the world changing so rapidly with new technology and globalisation, the skills that they develop are more important, and critical thinking is a HUGE part of this. I know many people of our generation don't understand this, BUT if we want people who can handle our rapidly changing world, these are the types of skills our children need.

Evelyn - posted on 01/05/2013

I was raised to eat what was in front of me, to listen to my parents, to be respectful of my elders, and to do the right things. I was allowed to do a lot of the same sorts of things most kids do but there were times that I did not because my parents felt it was not something that was appropriate for my age or at all. I did push my parents buttons but I also paid for it. They did not spank us but we got our punishments just the same. But for the most part my sister and I were decent as kids and teens though my sister pulled a few things on our parents I would have died to pull.

Back in the 90's I became a mom twice. My kids are seven years apart. That is going to be something I want you to remember as you read this. I have a girl and boy. Once my kids were both old enough to start learning "NO" I taught them that you do not touch the stove as it burns, you do not go outside without mommy or daddy, you do not get into certain things (ie., cabinets and the toilet.) I lucked out as when both were little they were good and learned to do what I wanted of them. At two years old, my kids would ask me for things but I gave them the option of getting it for a birthday or Christmas. This allowed a few things to happen. We could go look at the toy section of Walmart without any tantrums or fits. (Once a boy who was around ten tossed the biggest cry fit in the store and my daughter was 2 at the time and she gave him the DIRTY LOOK. She thought it was bad that he was tossing a fit over a toy.) By looking at the toys first, we could then proceed to get my shopping done and they both loved to shop anyway. Last, sometimes they would leaven the store with a book or car that was about $1. I also taught them about staying close to me in the store too. How many times did I see kids running all over and still do without parents with them? All the time. When they were small they rode in the cart. They knew they had to sit. Once they got big enough to walk along the cart they had to hold the handle of the cart and walk with me. After they got bigger I let them go up the cart about half way to hold on to it and this allowed them some independence from me. Once they hit the teens then I would let them go over a few aisles to get me things if we had to make the trip quickly. Always they were with me in the store. Even as teens it was rare for them to be far. At the mall, they never left my side. My son did give me some rough times. At 8, he decided to toss a fit in a store and his sister having gotten her things for class picked out I took him with me and she had some money to pay for them and meet us at the car. He wanted something and it did not go his way so he screamed and cried all the way out the door. I told him he lost his special treat that night and he got louder. I got some really dirty looks. But instead of lettilng an 8 year old toss a fit in the store we had to leave. He lost his treat and his evening of fun and the next time we did something he remembered not to toss a fit if it did not go his way about something. As they grew up they learned to talk to me about everything. I have this open-door policy that they can talk to me about anything and if they did something they would still have to face the results of that. I have encouraged them to make choices by giving them choices about things such as at meals say its between the corn or carrots, as they had to at least try it. My son got to the point as kid where he would say, "mommy, I do not like it but I will eat it anyway." Now he eats almost everything! My daughter never gave me those issues much. THey also knew I never had the money to do a lot with so they never asked and I never promised to actually do something because I knew that if I did they would get upset and it would cause more problems. So instead of an actual promise for a movie or event, I would say if I had the money to go that we could or if nothing got in the way of those possible plans we could do the said activities. I laid down the law. I did want their respect but I had to earn it. And now that both are almost out of the nest, I have their respect and love.

Also, all those things I did with my oldest I did with my youngest in teaching them how to be as they grew up.

Brandi - posted on 01/05/2013

To make my point even louder, look at how many parents are on here saying "my daughter is having sex in my house" and "my children disrespect me" and "I can't control my teenager". No I do not have a teenager yet, but I do have 2 10 year olds, and 8 year old, and a 4 year old. I am not saying that they will never do the things that these other parents are complaining about because I would be stupid to spit in the air. My mom always said if you spit in the air it will fall back in your face. I remember what I was like as a teen and I am sure my kids will do at least the things that I did. But, it will not be because I gave them a choice to disrespect people and not listen to authority.

Brandi - posted on 01/05/2013

Just because I expect my children to listen does not mean that I beat them or do not listen to them. My children do know that if they do not listen there will be consequences. That does not mean that I am going to beat them. Yes I swatted my 2 year old on the leg because she would not stay seated in a basket. What is so wrong with that? Would you have rathered I let her stand up and fall out of the basket like I have seen other children do because their parents did not make them listen? There is absolutely nothing wrong with popping a child on the butt or the leg when it is needed. 99% of the people I grew up with had more than just a pop on the leg or butt and we turned out just fine. As a matter of fact, we would not dare act the way kids do today. So if expecting my children to be respectful and listen is a bad thing then so be it. I will just be considered a bad parent because my girls are expected to do as they are told and to respect others. Of course, everyone has their own opinions and different forms of discipline works for different kids. I have a friend that feels the same way Little Miss Can't be Wrong feels and her daughter is disrespectful and she does not listen. I just know that when my children go places whether I am with them or not they are going to act right because they were taught better than a lot of children I've seen in public.

Brandi - posted on 01/05/2013

I never said that asking your children what they want for supper or giving them options is a bad thing. However, when a parent says you are getting a hair cut and the child says no I'm not at 5 years old there is a problem. When a parent tells a child no and they throw a fit and the parent gives them what they want then yes that is a bad thing. If I tell my kids to clean their room and they flat out refuse to do it -- not that my 3 have ever done that to me, but if they did they would be in trouble. I do not disagree with letting a child pick what game they want to play or something of that sort. I do disagree with giving a child the option to listen or not.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/05/2013

Oh, and I don't believe in spanking. If you cannot hit an adult in public or in your home without charges being filed against you, why is it ok to hit a child not even 1/4 your size? There are other ways to discipline without violence. And yes, spanking, hitting, smacking, pinching...is violence. And, it makes it very difficult to teach a child not to hit, when....you are hitting them.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/05/2013

I feel my kids should be listened to as much as they should listen to me.

Brandi - posted on 01/05/2013

When my brothers and I were kids, we didn't dare throw a fit in public. We got the crap spanked out of us if we did. My dad was very strict. I do not usually have to swat any of my kids in the store, but I have. My middle daughter who is VERY strong willed decided she was going to stand in the basket where the kids are supposed to sit. I told her 3 times to sit and sat her back down...she got out of the strap. Finally on the 3rd time, I swatted her leg. I got ugly looks from some people and one older lady said she was glad I did something rather than letting her fall out on her head. I can take my 3 girls to the store and not usually have to talk more than once. My step daughter on the other hand was always allowed to do whatever she wanted and that shows in her attitude now.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/05/2013

You are right. Times have changed. With that, has come to the realization that kids are little people with their own wants, needs, and desires. I personally treat my kids with respect, and if there is an option, I usually let them choose. Grades are a no brainer. Hitting, being mean, and language are another that come with consequences. Many times I will certainly ask my children what they would like to do. Why is that so wrong?? Why is it that treating my kid with respect and like a person is considered a bad thing? I didn't like how I was raised, so I am doing it differently. Point blank. Raise your own kids the way you see fit, and let other parents raise their own kids without your judgement. We all need more understanding and love in the world, with a big dose of tolerance. There are many ways to do many things, and one persons way is not always right for another person. I want my kids happy. It doesn't mean I let them walk all over me.

Michelle - posted on 01/05/2013

I agree 100%. I was ignoring my toddler having a tantrum in a department store one day. She wanted me to carry her and I wasn't going to. She sat at the end of and aisle and I walked around the corner. She had people coming up asking if she'd lost her Mum and she would reply yes. I would poke my head around the corner and tell them to leave her alone as she's having a tantrum and doesn't deserve ANY attention.

It took 15 mins but she eventually followed me but in that time the younger parents were giving the looks that said "Terrible Mother" but I had some of the older ones come up to me and congratulate me for standing my ground. They also told me it would be worth it in the long run and she will listen to me as she gets older.

She's my 3rd and all 3 of my children respect and listen when I ask them to do things. They know I cook 1 meal and if they don't like it tough luck. My 2 oldest are from a broken home but they don't get treated any differently.